The compassionate narcissist isn’t a narcissistic person who has suddenly found empathy. They are a narcissistic person who will pretend to be care about something in order to exploit someone.
In general, narcissistic people lack empathy for those around them. They only care about themselves. However, they will happily use the struggles of those around them in order to create further conflict and chaos and disorder within the world to meet an agenda of their own.
The compassionate narcissistic person more covertly acts like they care in order to gain sympathetic attention, admiration or play the victim when people take a stand against them.
The compassionate narcissist would look like they are protecting someone or look like they’re protecting a religion, a culture, a race, a belief, a gender, often by attacking the very people who don’t, then playing the woe is me victim who’s been attacked when the very people they’re attacking call them out, with claims such as “I’m only trying to help.” Or “it’s only because I care.”
By means of protecting, they’re often falsely accusing or attacking those they’re envious of, to divide and conquer, to isolate people, to stop others from having a voice, to make it so society isn’t allowed to disagree with them. If they do disagree with them, they face dire consequences, often stopping people from speaking out against them.
Narcissistic people are going to use others’ compassion in order to gain enablers to their side and gain flying monkeys to do their dirty work for them to attack other people for them, as the more they can get their flying monkeys to attack others for them, the more they keep their hands clean, then due to the shame of the flying monkeys behaviour the less likely they are to speak out or live in fear of the narcissist if they do speak out against the things that the compassionate narcissist is claiming to be protecting.
However, they’re not protecting in order for that positive sum game where there is a win-win situation for all parties and trying to get other people to see the perspectives or the different points of view, to live and let live. They’re not looking for understanding. They’re looking for compliance with the religion, the cult, the culture, the race, the gender, the belief. They’re looking to gain everybody to agree with them. They’re looking to turn everybody against those who don’t agree with them, and they’re looking to shut down those who don’t agree with them, so they can control the narrative, create conflict, and look like they’ve been a reasonable person in it all. Anyone who calls them out for what they’re actually doing, which is exploiting the religion or culture, race, belief, or gender to meet their own agenda, the narcissist will morph into the victim of how people are attacking them, gaining sympathetic attention from those around them, often meaning they get away with their hurtful and destructive behaviour, even if people in that religion, culture, race, gender or belief, disagree with the narcissist, call that narcissistic person out, The narcissistic person will just morph into the role of victim and claim “after all I’ve done for you it’s only because I care.”
Narcissistic people don’t care for anyone other than themselves. They just use other people to exploit other people to gain the attention or admiration that they believe they’re entitled to they don’t care they just don’t want other people to know they don’t care.
The compassionate narcissist is a typical school playground bully who will go all out to attack someone who they are envious of or who isn’t living up to that narcissist’s standards, isn’t living life on the narcissists terms, or they’re trying to isolate and make the scapegoat, then as soon as that person stands up to the narcissist the narcissist goes telling on that person to all those who will listen, snitching on the very person the narcissist is attacking as the narcissist morphs into the role of the victim to gain sympathetic attention so that nobody dares ever speak out against them. They rule through fake compassion, through coercion, through threats or through fear, yet they do it in a way where they seemingly look like they care so nobody believes that they could be capable of such hurtful and destructive behaviour.
The compassionate narcissist is actually a very, very poor listener. They only listen to the bits of information that they can actually use against you; however, if the information doesn’t serve themselves, they are not interested they are highly sensitive to criticism. Now we can all be sensitive to criticism, especially when someone has put us down. There is also a thing such as constructive criticism; however, a compassionate narcissist is not going to look for constructive criticism. Instead, they’re going to take it as a personal attack on them, and they are going to seek to attack you, and as they lack empathy, there is no low they won’t go to punish you. Looking to win and to win at all costs to you. They’re looking for you to agree with them. The second you disagree with them due to their arrogance, they’re going to seek to put you down, and they have the victim mentality, so you can’t speak up against them as their enablers, and flying monkeys come along believing they’re helping them by attacking you.
Yet they are so grandiose in themselves that they fail to recognise this within themselves they will not admit fault. They will just go and accuse somebody else of hurting them.
You can’t win with those who seek to outdo you, those who you can’t say no to. Narcissists aren’t interested in your opinions. They’re interested in your agreeableness, and when you don’t agree to their demands, they seek to destroy you.
The only way to win a narcissist is to carefully remove yourself from their life and go no contact.
Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Someone’s narcissistic partner is someone else’s narcissistic parent, boss, coworker, parent, friend or child. Narcissists only change their manipulation depending on who they are around. They do not change out of the disorder. It’s who they are. There are many signs someone in our life is toxic; however, as they’re also manipulative, they often gaslight our reality, so we don’t see these signs. In hindsight, red flags are wonderful full things; however, when we don’t have an awareness of what these red flags are, we don’t know what we don’t know, so we don’t understand what these signs are. Here are ten signs of a toxic narcissistic person within your life.
1. They are Hypocritical.
Narcissists can be some of the most hypocritical people you could ever meet. Common rules just don’t seem to apply to them; however, those same rules will apply to those around them. The whole do as I say and not as I do, what’s yours is mine and what’s mines my own. Narcissists tend to be incredibly self-entitled people who believe they can have what they want. When they want with whoever they want, they often have a grandiose belief that they are superior so deserve to do as they please without consequences for their actions.
One of the most confusing things about a narcissist is they don’t treat you badly all of the time.
A Narcissist will happily take your money but very unwilling to part with their.
Narcissistic parents don’t purchase things for their children out of the willingness to care for the children they created. They purchase things for their children to use those very items against their own children.
A Narcissist that will happily spend money on you, will then happily use that against you. “What about when I.” To get you to do something you’d prefer not to do. They’ll purchase a mattress for your bed. Then when move straight in with someone new, all cosy in the new supply’s bed. They’ll want that mattress back off you.
If you know how to cut hair, they’ll expect you to cut hair, yet if they know how to cook your favourite meal, they’ll not cook it, unless they want something in return from you, and you’ll usually have to do the return favour first, while they forget they ever promised to do anything for you.
A Narcissist will happily use your stuff, often claiming it’s theirs, but not be forthcoming in loaning theirs, or returning yours. You’ll have to chase them for that. If they do return, it’s often damaged in some way.
As narcissistic people are more than capable of treating you so well when they want something from you, when the narcissist seeks to punish you, as you don’t recognise you’re being emotionally abused, often you’re the one left, blaming, questioning and doubting yourself and not their mistreatment of you.
2. They create competition.
As narcissistic people can be some of the most envious people you could ever meet, they’re usually laying the bait to create some form of competition for themselves to win at the expense of those around them because they often lack the empathy to care for who they hurt.
A narcissist will create competition between themselves and others. They’ll purchase a new car just to say, “I bet sams doesn’t have this feature.” to feel better about themselves.
A young grandchild can innocently ask, “how come you only have one car.” because that child’s parents have two, for the narcissist to respond, “at least I have five bedrooms and not two.”
A narcissist will create competition between others so they can stand back and watch the show.
A narcissist will create competition between others “sam would do it for me.” to get people to compete for the narcissist’s attention.
Whatever competition they create, a narcissist creates to win.
Narcissists aren’t competitive to become better than they were yesterday, growing confidence. They are competitive where they seek to pull others down to feel or look better themselves, the narcissist’s arrogance.
3. They are Controlling.
Narcissists seek many ways to control others.
They monitor your outings, accuses you of things you haven’t done, cause arguments before you go out, or arguments when you get back, so you no longer want to bother going out or doing things for you, keeping you busy, so you don’t have time for your own hobbies. Play you off against friends and family, putting you in the middle and making you choose, often lying about what friends and family have said about you.
They control your money. Either not working and using yours, or letting you believe it’s a good idea for you not to work then them not giving you enough, yet not allowing you back into work.
They will guilt trip you, triangulate you, shame you, and pity play to get you to break down your boundaries and do things you don’t want to or wouldn’t normally do.
They will damage property, from punching doors to smashing items up.
They can never let you have the last word, even if that means them sulking off and giving you the silent treatment.
They invalidate you, call you names, call you crazy, insecure, sensitive, put you down in obvious overt ways. “You look fat in that.” or covert means. “Are you really going to wear that?”
They use anger to intimidate you or silent treatment into punishing you if you don’t give them what they want.
They don’t compromise. They always have to be right, always claiming that they know what’s best for you.
4. They shame you.
Narcissists exploit others to meet a need of their own. They might judge you, criticise you, shame you, blame you. They’ll claim it’s all your fault. “What would you do without me.”to leave you feeling like you’re not enough.
5. They guilt trip.
A narcissist might lack empathy for you. However, they know how to use your compassion against you. “If you loved me, you would.” what about me.” “After all, I’ve done for you.” to get you to do something for them, however, as they are extremely hypocritical people. If you say to them after all, I’ve done, as they’ve usually trained you to bend over backwards to help them, while they do very little for you. They will throw it all back in your face. They can use it on you. You can not use it on them, the narcissist’s hypocrisy shining through.
A narcissist will happily play the victim to exploit your compassion to meet their needs. They might come across as really open and honest with you when what they’re truly doing is using your empathy against you. You might feel comfortable being vulnerable with them initially, as a narcissist wants to get to know all about you so that they can use your vulnerabilities against you later down the line. However, once they have you, you can no longer be vulnerable with them. Now it’s a case of “you’re too sensitive.” “you’re overreacting.” “it wasn’t that bad.” try to share your news, good or bad, due to their competitiveness, seeking that external validation which at times we all can, seeking that attention, a narcissists bad news will be far worse than yours, their good news, far better than yours, they just can’t seem to be happy for you. It’s never about a two-way conversation to show they understand you. It’s to bring the attention back onto themselves.
7. Require attention.
Narcissists often require excessive attention if they can not get this attention through adoration and praise. If a narcissist doesn’t want to go all out throwing you the best party ever, expecting eternal recognition and praise, they’ll go all out to destroy a party for you while blaming you. If you call them out, they’ll come at you with things like. “Oh, I knew it would be my fault. I forgot you were perfect.”
8. Not listen to you.
If a narcissist isn’t interested, doesn’t have something to gain, they’ll happily ignore you. If they don’t want to answer a question, they’ll stonewall you, a narcissist will withhold attention, affection and support to punish you for things you haven’t even done, and a narcissist will go all out to gaslight you into doubting and blaming yourself, working harder to please them, not recognising what they’re doing to you.
Narcissists lack empathy, so when they fall silent on you, and you go and beg and plead with them, they get a twisted kick out of it. They enjoy the attention. They feel like they matter; however, your feelings do not matter to them.
9. Ignore healthy boundaries.
No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist whose losing control over someone else mind, who is not getting their own way, who is getting shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do.
A narcissist will ignore healthy boundaries. The more you try to say no to them, the more they up their games to get what they want from you. They don’t accept you’re no. They see it as a challenge to win. They’re going to start creating things, so they can start winning.
10. Nothing is ever their fault.
Narcissists will not be blamed. To them, it’s not their problem, it’s not their fault, they didn’t do it, they don’t say sorry because narcissistic people often believe other people made them do the hurtful things they do, they don’t take responsibility, they refuse to be held accountable, and they try to pass any consequences off onto those around them by blaming those around them.
As narcissists will not be held accountable for their behaviour, they don’t change their behaviour. They just learn new ways to manipulate to get away with their behaviour.
Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ email@example.com
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp. (Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Understanding the terminology to explain the narcissistic personality disorder.
Terminology relating to the narcissist personality disorder has been developed by psychologists and therapists as well as survivors of the abuse, seeking an understanding of what they have been through. This is an overview of most of the terms.
6. Lack of Empathy they can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes.
7. Preoccupied with power and/or success. Those who are victorious will brag. Those who are not will blame others.
8. Requires excessive attention. They need to be admired by others, through love or fear.
9. The belief they are special. They believe all others are inferior to them.
Meanings of words for the types of narcissists on the spectrum.
The three main types are.
1. Grandiose. Better than all others, will act and say they are.
2. Vulnerable. Can come across as kind and compassionate, like most narcissists can, yet will always play the victim and destroy those close to them.
3. Malignant. An extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial and psychopath, with paranoid traits.
The subtypes are
1. Covert. These narcissists keep their abuse more hidden. They can be shy and, to the outside world, appear kind.
2. Overt. These narcissists are most apparent, grandiose behaviour. They are arrogant, demanding and boastful. They have rage very close to the surface when they don’t get their own way. Ruthless in power and control.
3. Somatic. These narcissists usually rely upon their body’s and looks for gaining attention.
4. Cerebral. These narcissists typically rely on intelligence. Although not all are intelligent, some lie about that too.
Other words used forNarcissist types.
1. The narcissistic winner. Everything is a competition, and they want to win at all costs.
2. The sneaky narcissist, they always have the perfect sob story and play the victim very well to manipulate others into helping them.
3. They know it all, narcissists. They know anything and everything, yet they’ll never have facts to back things up.
4. The puppet master narcissist. They control and have the power of all those around them.
5. The antagonist narcissist. These will always have an enemy. They scream at other car drivers, are nasty to neighbours, rude to staff.
6. The status narcissist. These have social power, status and success.
7. The Royal narcissist. They believe they are entitled to the best of everything.
We have narcissist, narcissism, NPD and narcissistic and more that people use to describe the behaviour itself.
It is a Cluster B personality disorder. These included narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, histrionic personality disorders on the cluster B, often with those having one of the disorders also having characteristics of one of the other disorders.
We have the Victim or survivor. I prefer the term target as the Narcissist targets individuals to fill their own needs. Staying in Victim mode doesn’t help people recover. You are a survivor and now experienced in what love isn’t.
Meanings of what they do.
1. Baiting. Where the narcissist will intentionally make someone angry by saying or doing something to annoy or taunt them deliberately, to hook trap or entice someone, and getting someone to do what the narcissist wants them to do.
2. Blame shifting. Switching the crazy-making onto the innocent target. When anyone confronts the narcissist or tries to set boundaries, the narcissist will change the whole focus onto the innocent target. So they can escape accountability and not take responsibility for their actions. Putting all the attention and blame onto the target.
3. Boundaries, the narcissist will try to break down all the targets boundaries. The targets self-beliefs of things they will and will not accept, things they will And will not do. A narcissist will step over and stomp out each and everyone through their many manipulation methods.
4. Counter parenting. This is when they will use all they can against the healthy parent. They do not care for the damage they cause to the children’s minds so long as they destroy the other parent.
5. Devalue. Narcissists believe they are superior to all others. Devaluing friends, family and partners. This is when they slowly take the target apart because of their emotional level of awareness, not developing past toddlerhood. Their insecurities of unattainable perfection. They do not hesitate in putting others down through, expressing their disappointment in the target, rage, being hostile, belittling, being judgmental of the target, and abandonment of the target.
6. Discard. When the narcissist no longer sees the target as useful to them or desirable, so they throw them away, cast them to one side, usually in more mind-blowing hideous ways, just to cut the target open even more and leave them with more self-doubts.
7. Divide and conquer. To assert control over others. To create diversions among people, to dominate, and to isolate people, making it easier for the narcissist to manipulate people.
8. Enablers. Someone who doesn’t understand what the narcissist is or believes their believable pity plays at the time. Enablers are often unwittingly manipulated by the narcissist to think they truly understand them and can help them, often helping the narcissist destroys others without realising.
9. Future Faking. When the narcissist gives their targets false hope of a future, they’ll never deliver.
10. Flying Monkeys. From the film Wizard of Oz. These are enablers who help the narcissist by terrorising targets for the narcissist, and the narcissist manipulates others into doing the dirty work for them. They can be friends, partners, parents, siblings and children.
11. Gaslighting. This is an insidious form of psychological abuse where they sow seeds of self-doubt into others. Hence, the target loses their own reality, their sanity, their memories and their perceptions. The narcissist undermines the targets mental state. They lie and give false information by projection, blame-shifting, triangulation. Saying, “that never happened.” “I told you last week.” “You’re sensitive.” Or the “you’re crazy.” They brainwash their targets into believing the narcissist’s reality.
12. Hoover. Named after the hoover, as they try to suck people back in to spit them back out, they make those around them miserable, often driving others away eventually. If people pull away, they might try to hoover the target back in. They use lots of manipulative tactics to do this. The hoover is when they come to suck the target back in as they feel a need to use them again, to discard them all over again. If they have a new source of supply, they might leave them alone and focus on the new target. If the new target isn’t working out, most will hoover an old target
13. Idealisation / Love Bombing. The action of making something seemingly perfect or better than the actual reality. The narcissist will hook a target In by making them believe that they are perfect and all their dreams have come true. Followed by devaluation and discard.
14. Insincere Apology. As a narcissist is never accountable and believes they are always right. You’ll not get a real apology, only a false apology if the narcissist thinks it will meet a need of their own. To remove any shame they feel, things like. “I’m sorry if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” ” I’m sorry, but you couldn’t handle the truth.” “I’m sorry you’re too sensitive to understand.”
15. Manipulation. The action of unscrupulously controlling others for their own advantage unfairly and dishonesty.
16. Mirroring, when they copy who you are, and reflect all your likes, dislikes, hobbies, hopes and dreams back to you.
17. Narcissistic injury. They’ve usually suffered some form of emotional trauma as a child, which stunted or stopped their development of emotions as they turned to fight mode.
18. Narcissist rage. If the narcissist feels criticism, isn’t getting things their own way, or feels entitled to something they are not getting, it hurts their inflated ego setting off wild and sometimes dangerous rage, far beyond healthy anger. It’s traumatising to the targets.
19. Narcissistic Smirk. When they form, for a second smirk over something, ordinary people wouldn’t, as they can not fully contain their delight in destroying others.
20. Narcissist Stare. This is something out of this world. Anyone who’s witnessed this knows how it can make you freeze on the spot. They seem soulless, and most narcissistic eyes turn a cold black.
21. Neglect. They ignore others needs for emotional, psychological or physical requirements, and they will not give others care or attention unless it meets a need of their own.
22. Projection. Pushing their own feelings, thoughts, actions, beliefs, opinions and traits onto someone else, the narcissist will blame others escaping accountability. They will accuse others of what they are actually doing. From “you’re a liar.” “You’re cheating.” “You’re insecure.”
23. Supply. Narcissist depends on others emotions to sustain their sense of identity, and they need a number of emotions from others, negative or positive. To regulate their self-esteem. Without supply, they are empty, and they will use friends, family, work colleagues. No one is exempt. If they can not get positive, they will seek to destroy and get negative. If their primary source pulls away, they might hoover them, hoover an ex, or explore a new supply.
24. Silent treatments. Another form of psychological manipulation, to make the target beg, plead, apologies and make up to the narcissist for things they didn’t even do, the present silent treatment in the home where you’re left walking on eggshells, or where they just disappear on you.
25. Smear campaigns. This is when the narcissist is losing control of the target’s mind. So try’s to discredit the target, destroying the targets reputation or character by smearing the targets name to manipulate others to side with the narcissist. They do this also out of envy. They are extremely calculated in trying to discredit those who see through their mask, and they will gossip. Lie, blame shift about the target, to children, parents, siblings, neighbours, work colleagues—anyone they can to isolate and destroy the target.
26. The Scapegoat. The child who usually is strong-willed with a mind of its own, the narcissist struggles to control, so blames the scapegoat for everything.
27. The lost child. The child who gets nothing, no negative, no positive, no love, no hate.
28. The mascot. The child who plays the jester role to escape becoming the scapegoat.
29. The golden child, usually sensitive and keen to please, so the narcissist can easily manipulate to make the child meet the narcissist’s high demands.
30. Triangulation. Where they use others to get the target to give in to the narcissist’s demands or isolate the target from any support network. Through making lies up and informing one of something another said. To divide and conquer. To dominate all others. They create competition better others. They will even play their own children off against each other.
31. Word Salad. . A mixture of words and phrases that lack any meaning to the original topic.
Meaning of words that people of this abuse can suffer from during and have to recover from afterwards.
1. Anxiety. An excessive, irrational feeling of worry, nervousness, unease.
2. CPTSD. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Due to suffering from a series of stressful, traumatic events.
3. Depression. An excessive amount of self-doubt, misery, sadness, woe and doom.
4. Fear. An excessive amount of being scared about the narcissist, what they might do, fear for yours and the children’s safety, fear and distrust in others.
5. Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. Humans four natural defence modes. Targets often fight back, run away, freeze on the spot or give in and fawn to the narcissist’s demands as they believe life would be easier this way.
6. Guilt. For not seeing it sooner, being unable to help, enabling the narcissist thinking it was helpful, for accepting behaviours that should have never accepted, for taking all the blame. Remove that guilt. At the time, your intentions were good. Please always remember that.
7. Hyper-vigilance. Always on guard for anything and everything that could go wrong.
8. Insomnia. Unable to sleep.
9. Intrusive thoughts. Things that happened in the past, things that could happen in the future, full of fear, worry and guilt.
10. Overactivity. Keeping busy to try and stop intrusive thoughts, but doing far too much.
11. Physical health. We can have so many health problems after being around these kinds of people.
13. Self-isolation. No longer trusting others, so isolating themselves from all others for fear of being hurt.
14. Self-destructive behaviours. By not removing the guilt for things done that wasn’t understood at the time, self-sabotaging, the present as feeling unworthy.
15. Trauma Bonding. Believing in love and that the narcissist can be helped, trauma bonding is from being taken up so high to then be dropped so low, the body release chemicals, so it needs to be weaned off those drugs released by the body. It’s not love. It’s a drug addiction that the body needs to be weaned off.
Meaning of what that targets need to do to break free from the narcissist.
1. Boundaries. Your no needs to mean no, and you need to stick to your no. If something doesn’t suit you, it’s a no.
2. Grey Rock. If the target is unable to go no contact, everything is on a needs to know the business like Response only, as dull as possible. The narcissists don’t know anything about the target. With limited communication and limited contact, the target gives the narcissist no reaction.
3. No Contact. Just that no contact, the target completely removes them from any part of their life and never gets in touch again; this can include the narcissists, friends, family, flying monkeys, enablers.
4. No reaction. Never react to the narcissist’s games as that hands the targets power over to the narcissist.
5. Outsmart. Learning how to outsmart the narcissist’s manipulation games.
When awareness is out for all those going through this, all professions, there will be more understanding to help people reclaim reality, recover and move on. It’ll stop people from falling for this kind of abusive person again and, hopefully, one day stop people from getting involved in the first place.
Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered withBetterHelp(Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
When you’ve had a narcissist within your life, you’ll know a conversation with one can leave you completely confused with no idea what just went on—utterly stunned that they had no clue what you were trying to say, and it ended up being about something you did. Or that you were talking to a brick wall, banging your head against a brick wall. That in reality, you’d have probably got more sense from a brick wall.
Conversations with a narcissist are crazy-making, often leaving you feeling like the Crazy one, you often end up questioning your own sanity, your own reality, blaming yourself for things that perhaps never even happened, narcissists are exhausting to be around or communicate with, and we are often left feeling extremely emotional and extremely drained. The thought of a conversation with a narcissist can be nerve-racking. Usually, when you decide to start one, you’re left wishing you’d never started the conversation, doubting your very own instincts and wondering what on earth just happened.
The problem is some of us are born into narcissism, even on the low end of the spectrum, so we don’t always truly learn what true love is then, as we grow and make friendships, get into a relationship, we accept their behaviour as normal, that we should have never accepted, making excuses, reasoning, and those excuses are valid within our minds. With all the manipulation of self-doubt they plant into our minds, it makes us all the more susceptible to further mental abuse. We trust the words and actions of others as we don’t go around manipulating others.
Narcissistic people don’t feel, think, act or do like we do. We give them our good qualities, and when they don’t respond like we would. Like genuine, caring, kind, empathetic people would, we become confused, hurt, disappointed, angry and with the narcissists carefully chosen words, blame ourselves and work harder to please them. At some point, the narcissist will then play nice, which then reinforces our self-doubt that it’s us that are at fault. Nothing you or anyone ever does deserves this kind of manipulation or abuse in any way, shape or form. They are the ones with the problem you were never to blame for their toxic, hurtful, negative behaviour or actions towards you.
These are examples of tactics they use for crazy-making conversations, so if you still need to communicate, you can recognise the manipulative game they are playing, not get drawn into it, and begin to see just how predictable they genuinely are.
Some are dangerous, so no contact is a must.
1. Interrupting you.
In the beginning, it might be all about you, and this is just another of their manipulation tactics to get to know your likes, your dislikes as they can Mirror you, learn about your insecurities so further down the line they can use all theses against you. After The Idealisation Stage stage, suddenly the conversations will be all about them; they just love to be the centre of attention and talk all about themselves. They will have no interest in holding a two-way conversation. If you try to get a word in and it contradicts or criticises the narcissist, they will ignore you, talk over you, raise their voice, or dismiss you, While people with ADHD and other mental health struggles can find conversations difficult and interrupt people. The narcissist will intentionally interrupt you to bring the conversation straight back onto all about them. They believe they are correct superior and believe in all that they say.
They feel like they are superior and have to remain in control. So they do this by dominating conversations. They have no interest in compromising, no care for other people’s thoughts, feelings or views. To them, it’s my way, or I’ll make it my way. They will monopolise most conversations. They will interrupt and bring it back onto them. They will discredit anything you do say and use it as evidence against you. They will take control, avoid talking about any genuine issues and avoid any accountability.
How to disarm, if they keep taking you off-topic, bring it straight back to the original point, observe if they blame shift, provoke, talk over you or rage. Stop the conversation when they do, never react, only respond, and you only need to respond once. If they don’t want to listen, they’ll not. You do not need to respond if they take you off-topic as they’ve not responded to the situation at hand.
2. The silent treatment.
This is one of the narcissists most common methods for emotional manipulation of those around them. When they feel criticism or they are losing power and control over you, most go for The Silent Treatment. They will do the present silent treatment for hours, days or weeks when you are in the home, so you’re Walking On Eggshells. They will do it when with friends on purpose entirely leaving you out of the conversation, or the disappearing act, where they up and leave for days or weeks, all to keep dominance and control over you they will demand a perfect apology for things you don’t even know you’re apologising for. They would do this if you didn’t accept their point of view, to avoid discussing important issues. To avoid taking or accepting any accountability for things they have done. To get you to do as they ask, and when you do, they’ll reinforce your self-doubts by playing nice with you again, just to bring you crashing down again.
The silent treatment is used against you, so you feel insignificant, Invalidated, insecure, vulnerable, unloved, to make you question and doubt yourself, they usually make it so you can not get hold of them with the disappearing act, or so you’re walking on eggshells for the present silent treatment.
How to disarm. There’s no better way to recover from narcissistic abuse than taking the first step of No Contact, and they use it to hurt you. You use it to heal yourself. Don’t try to reason with them, don’t try to work out what’s wrong, write down and focus on your reality, no longer beg, pled or apologise, just leave them be. They can not play if you’re not playing with them, they can not fight if you’re not fighting, and they can not control if they have lost the control of your mind.
3. The topic switch.
You could be happily discussing something, then you either don’t agree with their point of view, they feel criticised, or you’ve asked them about something they don’t want you to know about. So to gain control and win, as that’s what narcissists want to win and be in control. They’ll suddenly switch the conversation onto something else. Usually, something you’ve done wrong in their eyes, or something you haven’t done for them, or they will chip away at one of your insecurities. They spew out loads of word salad to Provoke you, confuse you, hurt and upset you. Suddenly you’re in defensive mode, and the original conversation had disappeared, then you get blamed for everything for defending yourself. Or you’re reduced to tears, and they’ll sit back almost looking pleased and watch you cry while still blaming it all on you.
How to disarm. Again observe what they do and what they switch it onto, bring it back to the original conversation, if they don’t want to, then leave them to word spew on themselves and take no part in the conversation.
4. Blame shifting.
Which they do with everything and anything. When you question them, or they feel criticism in some way. They, as above, change the conversation or interrupt you or silent treatment you. They will use any of your insecurities and any they’ve drilled into you against you, so you go into the defensive. They take your attention away from the original point, then when you react, they blame it all on you. They have to escape accountability, so their lousy behaviour disappears like magic, and you’re tricked into defending yourself and taking on all the blame.
How to disarm. Don’t play, Don’t question them. They’ll never give you an answer if they do. It’s a lie or somehow your fault, instead find the answers from within yourself. Remember, they don’t want compromise or your opinions. They want to win at all costs to you.
Another they love to use on others is Projecting what they have done, think or feel onto you. The things they do and the things they say to one person when no one is watching is entirely different to when others are watching. If you listen to their character assassinations of others, this is actually, most often, the real truth of who they indeed are. They will discredit credible people, accuse people of cheating who are not cheating, accuse others of lying who are no liars, accuse people of being insecure who are trying to listen to their instincts, accuse people of being crazy who they actually drove that way, accuse people of keeping their children from them, when most of the time they don’t even pick up the children.
Narcissists do this when they are defensive, and they project all their faults onto others. They annihilate and destroy people. Genuine people try not to project, and genuine peoples comments resemble the truth of the other person. They are not outright lies.
How to disarm, if they are smearing your name, leave them to it, rise above, if they are doing it directly to you, observe those words, don’t take them on as your own, take them as a verbal confession of who they indeed are.
6. Turning up the volume.
When they overtalk you when they get angry and feel as though they are losing control of the conversation, they will turn up the volume. They do this to shock, confuse, intimated and basically bully you into submission. This is because when you feel intimated, your defence is weak. They are using more physiological warfare against you. This is when they lack intelligence over the conversation. So they have to talk louder and over you to dominate the conversation and take back control.
How to disarm. Stop talking. They are not interested in your point of view, and they want to scare you into taking on their opinions, turn your ears off. Go into your own mind and focus on your own opinions and thoughts.
7. Playing the victim.
When they’re not playing the hero, they will pity play into the role of the Victim. They will never be the villain. They do this to avoid accountability, to avoid responsibility and to avoid their actual abusive behaviours and cover them up. They know others are kind, caring and compassionate. They play on that to further their advantage over people, gain Flying Monkeys and control others opinions, all while hiding their true selves. If you’re upset over a broken promise, or something they have done, they will play victim and project something you haven’t or have done that hurt them more, how you don’t give them the empathy or sympathy, how you’re insecure or selfish. When in reality, it’s you that needs it, not them, yet you end you lowering your boundaries, feeling sorry for them, forgiving them. Whatever happens to you, they’ve always had worse happen to them.
How to disarm. Remember why the conversation started, stop listening to them and focus on the original discussion, the original problem, don’t look to them to emphasise or help. Look to yourself and what you need to do to stop the situation. Look to genuine people who will reassure and help you.
Their manipulation tactic to psychologically manipulate your mind, it’s an insidious form of abuse. They will purposefully not share information, they will rewrite history on you, either something that did happen they’ll tell you it never happened or something that didn’t happen they’ll let you know it did, then accuse you of “losing your mind.” Narcissists will claim what you saw you didn’t see, what you heard you didn’t hear, what you feel you don’t feel, what you think is wrong. This is used, so you doubt your own mind, question your reality, doubt your judgement and go to them for a reality check. They might even hide or rearrange your Belongings.
How to disarm. Always keep things via messages and email. If it’s in-person, keep a diary, take notes and go to those for your own reality check.
When they talk about what someone else has done, to get you to break down your boundaries and do it for them, they will lie about what others have said about you to dived and conquer and get you isolated from all support.
How to disarm. Know your worth and your boundaries. Just because someone else would do something doesn’t matter. You are not them. Any lies try to get the third person and the narcissist together, then ask them about it.
Without awareness and education about narcissistic abuse, those who’ve accounted one will most often end up surrounded by them. They are like vultures to kind, caring, compassionate people who don’t understand it. Emotional abuse is devastating and takes down your personality, values, beliefs, hopes, dreams, friendships, heart, soul, spirit, financial and physical health. Without knowledge of what they do, we will spend our whole lives frustrated trying to help those who are incapable of change. Yet with the knowledge, awareness and understanding, you can, and you will, heal from this. With greater understanding, you’ll not get into deep next time. As soon as you say no and stick to your no, the narcissist will most often move onto an easier target. Why everyone needs to recognise this, so they can no longer bring others down. When we finally stand up the right way to those narcissists in our lives, their games will no longer affect us as we know what they are doing and why once professionals understand the terms of.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered withBetterHelp(Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.