Five Ways A Narcissist Discards.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Due to the trauma bonding through all the highs and lows with the narcissist. Alienated from friends and family, left with CPTSD, you may also have anxiety and health problems, your energy levels may have been drained, you’ve lost who you are, your self-worth, self-love, trust, money, homes and so much more, the narcissist discard can be incredibly painful and cruel as although you haven’t seen all the mental abuse, they are the one you turn to for support, not that they ever give it. Trying to understand who they even were, trying to understand what’s actually happened isn’t an easy process, it gets easier and life gets much happier once you break that trauma bond, build yourself back up and become happy again.

The narcissist gives you no explanation as to why they have left, often to add to your confusion they will within days or weeks they have met someone new, they’ll usually get a flying monkey to make sure you know about this. You want closure as most people do, human nature to want answers, yet the narcissist will not give you any. Here are ways the narcissist discards you.

1. The one where they don’t actually end it, yet they disappear without a word. You may have worked out something isn’t right, either someone from the outside has been slowly giving you doubts or your struggling with reality and you just know something isn’t right, even though you may not know what. So they discard you, usually disappearing without a word to upset and confuse you even more, with the trauma bond you may call and message them, giving them an emotional reaction. You may have stopped reacting to them how you used to and because of financial reasons or children you’ve not left or through their intimidation you are scared to leave, they haven’t got a replacement lined up yet so they understand by disappearing on you is a way to get reactions from you, and get you to beg them to come home. Then they know when they reappear, you’ll be grateful the silent treatment is over and shower them with attention, which is all they are after.

2. They’ve driven you to the depths of despair, you feel like you no longer want to live, depression, anxiety, can no longer function on a day to day basis, health problems. All caused by the manipulation and abuse you’ve been suffering from at the hands of the narcissist, during devaluation they don’t want to completely Finnish you off, sometimes they do take it too far, some of us end up having a mental breakdown at the hands of them, therefore you are no longer meeting any of their needs they are no longer the centre of attention, they are no longer getting any reactions from you. You need help and support and they simply do not care for you and will not give it, they will only do so if they have something to gain. So just as you need them the most, they vanish on you.

3. They’ve found a replacement, they may have had countless affairs in the past, yet now they managed to love bomb and secure someone new whos only giving them positive reactions and filling their cup full of holes up, whilst it’s going good with the new they will up and leave, be careful though, when the relationship goes the same way with the new most will come back to hoover you.

4. Exposure, you may have worked them out, as you have empathy you care and love for them, so you’re doing all you can to help, they will start a smear campaign against you fast, before you start reaching out to others. You may have managed to inform people before the narcissist got to them, the narcissist will take this a criticism that you have turned against them. People start taking your side, so they have to leave quick smart as they are not accountable, they will not be held accountable, they believe you’re just out to destroy them and people are turning against them.

5. You’ve stepped out of the darkness and into the light, you know exactly what they are what they need and how to destroy them, you no longer fear them, so you fire criticisms at them with no emotions. You want to punish them for all they’ve put you through and you know exactly how to do it. Yet they’re not going to allow this to happen, if they can not take you down without risk of taking themselves down, they are going to drop you like a hot potato and fun. With no closure given as you’ll know as you’ve worked out what they are. Be careful though, most narcissistic people will seek revenge months or years later.

Once we learn about the narcissistic personality disorder, we become to understand their repeated patterns of behaviour are rather predictable, as they have a disorder it’s who they are, and unfortunately, you can not help them.

One of their biggest weaknesses is they feel superior to all others, they feel entitled and above all others, they want to control all others. so once we do work them out and their patterns of behaviour by observing and not absorbing, it becomes easier to no longer take part in their games.

No longer responding to their games hits them hard, when they realise they have lost control over our minds, they don’t know what to do, as it’s a disorder on a spectrum some will up their games, do not respond, leave them to it, some will walk away, changing the story in their own minds, again leave them to it. The best revenge is living well as this is done by not causing them any harm, and with good intentions of creating your own happy life, narcissists just don’t understand how you can move on and live well, they don’t get that it’s not all about them and this hits them hard.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Revenge and karma.

25 Of The Most Common Blame Shifting Phrases Of A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Phrases narcissists use to blame shift.

As a narcissist never believes they are accountable for their own mistakes in life, they will often place the blame into those around them, here is 25 of their most commonly used blame-shifting phrases.

As a Narcissist believes they are entitled to do as they like, to get their own needs met and to them it’s up to others to clean up, after them, they often don’t see fault in their own behaviour and when they do, they change the story to suit themselves, often forgetting facts and changing the truth to their lies which most actually believe, they will play the victim or the hero depending on the situation and the people, yet they will never play the villain, as to them it’s always someone else’s fault. Those around them often believe what they say, as they say it with such truths, even when our instincts are trying to tell us otherwise, as we can not see evidence to start of their wrongdoings we find it hard to lose the image of the good person and see the nasty person that stands in front of us, then with their gaslighting, we are the ones often left questioning. What did I do wrong? You did nothing wrong, you are a good kind cared person that wanted to help, they have a disorder it’s who they are and you can not help them, you can, however, help yourself.

The most common phrases.

1.”It’s your fault.” No, it’s not your fault, Whatever they’ve been caught out on, whatever proof you have they will always, the twist is straight back onto you.

2. “What do you want me to do about it.” They’re blaming no one, but they’re not responsible so, you are the one who needs to sort it out. Do what you can to help you and leave them to it.

3.”Deal with it.” They believe they are entitled to do as they please, it’s up to you to get on with it. All you can do is do things you can do to help you, and leave them to deal with their own problems, there are great people who will help you and will appreciate help from you, any relationship in life is helping each other through life’s dramas, those you continue to put you through drama, leave them to be who they want to be, and you be who you want to be.

4” You’re too sensitive.” No, you are not. you will usually have got a very good reason to be upset, the narcissist doesn’t care will not accept blame, leaving you to question if you’re overreacting, so you to feel insecure, so you don’t question them again. Whatever you’re feeling upset about, most often we have a valid reason to be upset, find your reasons and work on those, most people get upset through life, and what upsets one person doesn’t always upset another, if someone isn’t willing to listen, care, help or support in your time of need, when you do for them, they are not the people to go to when you are feeling low.

5.”No, I didn’t.” They most likely did but they’ll never admit to something they did. Writing out your truths often helps with this, to give yourself clarity. Sometimes people do say things, that others take the wrong way, with a narcissist they will be unable to discuss a misunderstanding and they will not be held accountable.

6. ” If you hadn’t.” Finding fault with you, so again the original question isn’t answered and you’re left wondering about your own actions. We are all in control of our own actions, yes sometimes when provoked we do react, human nature, they didn’t make us react, they provoked, we reacted. Where they will focus on the fact their actions are our fault, we often feel guilty fur our reactions, which they will then use this to their advantage and use our guilt against us so they can further control us, we all make mistakes in life, it’s how we learn, from this we learn to Retreat and Rethink if we are starting to feel anger, then only Respond once calm and if we truly need to do so.

7. “If you looked after me more, I wouldn’t go elsewhere.” Even though they’ve cheated on you, if you ask again about the affair they’ll just respond with something like. “I’ve already told you why.” Again getting you to question yourself and try harder to please. A good person can cheat and can respond in negative ways in fear of losing someone from a mistake they made, yet they’ed learn from it, they wouldn’t want to feel that guilt again. Those who repeatedly cheat and blame others for doing so, it’s who they are and they’ll not stop.

8.”It’s only messages at least I’m not cheating.” They probably are cheating, but they’ll not admit that. They are definitely looking for a new source of supply. Even if they are actually cheating, you define what behaviour you will and will not accept from others, if you wouldn’t flirty message as you class it as cheating don’t be with someone who does that to you, if you believe a kiss is worse than sex, that’s your beliefs, so no longer acceptable behaviour from others that you wouldn’t do to others.

9. “You’re overreacting.” Actually no you’re not, and no you haven’t. They again just want to shift attention off themselves, and onto you, if that’s how you feel about something it’s how you feel if people are not willing to listen and support you, as you would them, those people are not the ones to go to.

10.”I love you.” They don’t even know how to love themselves, let alone others, they just want to use you for whatever you’ve got that they want or need. They might think they live you, when their needs are getting met, as soon as their needs are no longer being met, they flip the script. We all need to learn to love ourselves for who we are, so we can give the best of ourselves to others, and learn what behaviour we shall not accept from others.

11.” That didn’t happen.” Yes, most likely it did they just enjoy rewriting history and watching you doubt yourself more. To them it might not have happened, why they say it with such truths, deep down you know it did, yet with all the gaslighting we often end up questioning ourselves, why diary’s on key things is always a wise idea if you can not go No contact.

13. “That wasn’t my fault.” It most likely was totally their fault, but remember, they can not be accountable, and they will not be held responsible for things that go wrong, you are not responsible for their actions, what they do is down to them.

14. “I’m going here with xy and z tonight, I told you last week.” Nope, they didn’t tell you, again they just want to confuse you. Sometimes they may be going where they say, there will be those times they might want you to pick them up. Most of the time it’s just more lies.

15. “If you hadn’t then I wouldn’t.” They probably got you so down, so you reacted, then they blamed you. Again all to mess with your mind. Know the full story of their actions and yours.

16. “If you loved me you would.” Guilt trip to break down your boundaries. If they loved you they wouldn’t want you doing things you feel uncomfortable with, they would respect and love you for who you are, just like you do other.

17. “They’re only a friend, you read to much into everything.” No, actually most likely you didn’t, your instinct is telling you something, if they have narcissist traits, or abuse you, run for the hills and never look back.

18. “Why do you have to spoil everything.”You didn’t actually cause a problem, they probably did something to get a reaction from you, narcissists are rather negative people and spread that negativity around, they are also jealous people so if something isn’t about them, they will find a way to make it about them, all you can do in this situation is know your own truth and leave them to theirs.

19. “You make everything so difficult” that’s usually when you’ve worked out what they are and you’re no longer reacting, your only responding and now they are struggling to get any positive or negative attention from you.

20. “That’s just like you.” When you’ve found your boundaries and you’re sticking to them. This is great, yes you know your worth if they can not break down a boundary of your brilliant you’ve come so far in taking control back of your life.

21. “You need a mental evaluation.” No, you just need to get away from the narcissist, heal and recover.

22.“You’re selfish.” Again no you’re not stick to your own boundaries.

23 “You’re to hung up on your past relationships.” Well if you’ve dated a few narcissists that could be true, either way, your instinct is telling you to run.

24 “I’d never hurt you.” Nope, they’ll just steal your mind, heart and health, possibly your home and children, then walk into the sunset with someone new, but to the narcissist, it’ll be all your fault. It is never ever your fault, no one deserves to be treated how they treat people, look for patterns in behaviour when you meet new people, how respectful are they to others, also if someone repeatedly lets you down or hurts you, that who they are, no matter what you do, it’ll not change them, all you can do is leave them be.

25. “You’re insecure.” No, your instincts are screaming at you, but thanks to the narcissist’s manipulation you’re not sure what they are saying. Always trust your instincts, even when you don’t know what they are saying, they are usually right.

Please add in comments any others you, so others know what they are looking for, thank you.

A Narcissist will hook you in with the idolisation/ love-bombing phase then slowly devalues you without you even knowing. Through their many methods of manipulation.

What’s the kryptonite, no reaction, if you can go no contact do it. That’s the best revenge and karma on a narcissist, if not grey rock, or level up.

A narcissist has the mentality of a young child, who been caught, with a bar of chocolate in hand, knowing they shouldn’t have it. Still chewing on some, with it all down their top, hands and face covered. When you ask the child, have you eaten chocolate before you tea? They may smile and say “No.” A narcissist is just that a child that never learnt why it’s wrong to blatantly lie. Most children lie out of fear, just human reactions, yet as they grow they learn from mistakes, they learn and understand respect for each other and boundaries, and learn to say sorry, then change their behaviour so they don’t have a need to apologise for the same mistakes. somewhere in a narcissists world they missed this step out and end up in an adults body, throwing temper tantrums.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Why they ruin special occasions.

The Narcissist Believes What Only They Want To Believe, Cognitive Distortions.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Cognitive distortions are a simple way that our minds work that convinces us of a reality that simply is not true, these thoughts are usually used to convince our minds of negative thoughts or emotions, explaining to ourselves that things sound accurate and rational, yet in reality only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves or keep us trapped in negative situations. Narcissists believe that rules do not apply to them, that they can stomp all over peoples lives and boundaries, without a care as to who they hurt, so long as their needs are being met.

The narcissist uses this skillset, why they are negative, self-entitled people who go around destroying others.

So how do they use them? and how does this affect us with narcissistic abuse?

Psychologist have identified at least 50 types of cognitive distortions, here’s 10 examples of how these could affect narcissists thinking, and how that affects our thinking

1. Always being right, as a narcissist is also most likely lacking in cognitive reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their truth up, they can not look back and reflect, they’ve made their minds up that they are correct and all others are wrong. Narcissistic people continuously try to prove others wrong with various manipulation tactics, to a narcissist who always believes they are right, being wrong is unimaginable for them, they just can not and do not get it, they will go to extreme lengths just to prove they are right. Why there is simply no point explaining yourself or arguing with a narcissist, they simply can not and will not see your point of view.

Being right to them is more important than others feelings, that with their lack of empathy, means for us going against what a narcissists truth is can lead to devastating consequences, sometimes why when they are gaslighting they do it so well, as to them it is their reality and their truth and they shall not be swayed. To most narcissistic people, “they didn’t say that.” And “That never happened.” To them “you are being sensitive.” And “you are the one going crazy.” In their eyes and minds it’s their truth, often why their smear campaigns are also done with such truth-telling lies. Yet because you are open to opinions and ideas, can understand people make mistakes, this gaslighting then makes you question yourself, blame yourself and as you care, forgive them for their wrongdoings, why when you are walking on eggshells doing as they please they can treat you so well. You then start to blame yourself all the more, as reality is showing you how good they can treat you, yet reality is also showing you just how wrong they treat you, yet when you question them over something that you believe them to be wrong about and they believe they are right, they will go to great extremes to prove themselves right and prove you wrong. Causing that cognitive dissonance within your mind over the mismatch of realities and beliefs that you are now living under the narcissist’s spell.

2 Negative filtering. The narcissist will often, take the one negative thing you have done filtering out anything that happened before or anything they did to cause this and focus solely on that one negative thing, when in a disagreement with them they will twist it onto that one single fact and blame-shift then gaslight it all onto you, the whole “if you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And as they believe they are right that is their truth and no matter how much you try to explain or defend yourself to them, they are not listening to your point of view, they have theirs and this is final.

Negativity breeds negativity and you as an empathetic person with an open mind, that can see others points of view, with the help of their gaslighting take their negative thoughts on as your own, ending up blaming yourself and in a state of confusion.

Their reality is distorted by only the dark facts they want and those beliefs they hold so true to themselves they slowly force onto those around them. When we take everything personally and are around people that are so critical of us, it destroys who we are, so we either have to learn not to take their words and actions personally and know our truths and who we are, except that’s how they want to think or feel, and know we don’t have to feel that way and simply leave them to it, some are extremely dangerous so no contact is the only way to go.

3. Black and white thinking. A narcissist has no grey area, to them it’s either good or bad, there is no room for mistakes or errors in judgment, to them, it is all or nothing. They can only see things as either good or bad, as they themselves must be perfect, they place all blame onto others for situations or problems they might have caused, without cognitive reflection they can not look back to see what might have led up to a bad situation and without empathy they can not see how someone else might be feeling, most have cognitive empathy so they can think how they feel, yet, can simply not put themselves into someone else’s shoes, to feel or care how they are making someone feel.

This is why most will project all their failures and faults onto others, as to them they are entitled and they are superior, any mistakes made, or any achievements missed, they will place that blame onto someone else, being around this on a continued basis leaves us feeling like we are at fault, as all the projection is slowly drip-fed into our minds, also why we are rather too forgiving as we can see the good in them, often with all the blame-shifting when the bad comes out, we are led to believe this to be our fault, it is never your fault.

4. Jumping to conclusions. A narcissist might even say “I’m a great judge of character.” They believe they know exactly what others are thinking or feeling, and they are not interested in finding out otherwise, also why they Gaslight with. “You’re too sensitive.” As they believe you are too sensitive and as they’ve made their minds up, they are unable and unwilling to listen to your explanation, as they are only interested in their own.

So where your instincts might be trying to tell you something, so instead of jumping to a conclusion, you go and discuss it with them, you’re instincts are most likely correct, however, they will not validate your feelings as real as they’re made their minds up that in fact, you are “insecure.” When you are not, yet as you’ve not made a conclusion you are most often left questioning yourself as to whether you are indeed insecure? If you are pushing them away? When in fact a good person would listen to you and work it out, always trust your instincts even when you are unsure as to what they are telling you as most often they are right.

5. Catastrophising. The narcissist does this by minimising or denying their negative or bad behaviour and magnifying anything that does well to get you to focus on their good side. They minimise anything you do good and they magnify anything you do that they perceive as wrong, and once they’ve made their minds up, that is their truth and nothing you can say will shift this.

This is usually what happens to us once we’ve been around narcissistic, toxic of negative people for a long time, as they drip-feed our minds, and our subconscious sucks it all in, we are then on constant watch from their next negative mood swing, for the next smear campaign, for the next game they will play to bring is down to their level, we can both magnify their good behaviour, with the help of their toxic words and we can minimize their bad behaviour, often as we’ve been led to believe it was our fault, leaving us on edge and walking on eggshells around them to meet all their need so we don’t set them off, leaving us with anxiety as we are so concerned about how they will act and become less and less concerned about what we can do to save ourselves, as we want to help other we slowly destroy ourselves, when in reality we did not cause it, we can not change it, and we can not control it, they are who they are and no matter what action we take they have a disorder and that is who they are, which in reality means no matter what we do or do not do for them, they are a ticking time bomb that will go off as and when they please, if they feel wronged, if they feel criticism, their is absolutely nothing we can do to change this for them, it’s who they are, it’s how they want to think, it’s how they want to behave, nothing you say or do will change this, the best course of action is to leave them to it, especially those on the lower end of the spectrum, leave them to be who they want to be, and you be who you want to be, those on the higher that are dangerous, no Contact.

6. Control. As you most likely already know a narcissist is all about control, they want and need to be in control, they feel entitled to be in control of those around them and all life events, when they are not getting what they want, they will blame others, life is against them and if it wasn’t for someone else they would be achieving the success they believe they deserve.

If we feel controlled by outside events, especially when mass smear campaigns hit, we see ourselves as helpless, the victim and the “why is this happening to me.” Or “why are they doing this.” Once we take back control of our lives, those outside situations no longer impact us. Then internal control, we take on the responsibility of the happiness of those around us, we are responsible for how we feel only, and others are responsible for how they feel. As they Gaslight, intimidate and invalidate us, we slowly lose control of our minds and our lives, not knowing what truly happening to us, and trying our best to please others, not understanding that as nice as it is to help others, it’s all about helping those who a willing and able to help us, walk away from those who are not, also that it’s ok to be selfish and put our own needs first, with good intentions no wrong way, or right way to live your life only your way. The oxygen mask on the plane, yes seems selfish putting it on yourself first. If you put it on the wrong person first, they will then leave you to it, put it on the right person first, your oxygen levels might run too low, put it on yourself first and you will be able to run at your best to help others, even those who don’t deserve or appreciate help, boundaries are a must, knowing when to say yes, and when to say no, if saying yes to someone else is them saying no to you, it needs to be a no to that other person, compromise yes, if it’s all their way, you have every right to turn around and go your way.

7. The blame games. Those on the disorder blame all others for anything that is wrong with their own lives, meaning they are unable or unaware of what actions they’ve taken towards the mistakes they have made, so they can not make changes as to who they are as they simply do not see themselves as the problem.

With all the manipulative blame-shifting tactics, we go the other way and start to blame ourselves for everything, when in reality not everything is our responsibility or our fault, with their triangulation and silent treatment, we start to look at ourselves to see what we’ve done wrong and how we could be better. This is good news, as this means you have the ability to reflect, to look at past mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and changes them, the biggest lessons here, is to learn who we are, to learn the behaviour we will and will not accept from those around us, learn our own worth, learning to let go of those who only seek to steal our joy, and no longer looking to always blame ourselves, taking the responsibility for what mistakes we have made, and passing those we did not back to the rightful owner. Self-awareness is vital.

8. Change. A narcissist does not see why they need to change, they have a disorder it’s who they are, most often they can not see their own faults, they can only pass them onto others and therefore see all their own problems as to being caused by those around them, believing others need to change to suit them, again the gaslighting Of “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And most genuinely believe that if you hadn’t they wouldn’t, however most often, you haven’t actually done anything wrong, they will find something, anything you did, then they will magnify this, to put the blame at your door, they will provoke you, to get a reaction out of you, just so they can blame it all on you.

With us, as we are slowly manipulated into their negative ways of thinking, it infects our mind, yet with their gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, arguments, silent treatments and the rest, we are led to believe it’s us that need to change, our minds are led to believe this is true, as they often offer intermittent times where they play nice, and magnify something we did to deserve them being nice to us, so we are left changing who we are time and time again to attract their nice side and walking on eggshells to avoid their nasty side. In truth, they have a disorder it’s who they are, you did nothing to cause it, there’s nothing you can do to change it, and there’s nothing you can do to control it, you can, however, learn who they are, what and why they do what they do, and learn how to handle them, why you don’t need to defend yourself to them, why you don’t need to change for them, no one deserves this treatment, you did nothing wrong, trying to help others is good, just help those who are willing to be helped and leave those who only want to bring you down.

9. Personalisation. With someone on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, they feel entitled, so to them it’s all about them, in one way they have got something right here, as we should all make sure that we are good within ourselves, there is a difference between a narcissists all about me and self-care, they are in it to win it at all costs, they are most often not interested in what happens to those around them, so long as all their needs are being met, if they believe being nice to someone will meet their needs, they will be nice, if they think being nasty will meet their needs they will be nasty, in reality it’s about giving to ourselves, then giving to others, if you have £10.00 and you need to buy your children food, yet your friends are really struggling, you don’t give them the £10.00 whilst you and your children go hungry, people need to look after themselves, yet if you have more money coming in the next day, so you can split it, if you have enough with £5 give them £5. Or if you have plenty and you’re good you might invite them for dinner, give them food, give them cash, until they are on their feet again, and they should them help you out in times of need, if they leave you to struggle in times of need when they could help, they are not the people for you, A narcissist is all about self, so you could be struggling financially, yet they will take your money and happily spend it, some will even have their own as well as take yours, when you ask for it back, they will dent all knowledge, blame you, pity play or cause an argument.

They believe whatever others do or say is a direct reaction to them, they take everything personally, if someone achieves its down to them, if someone speaks you, they have criticised them, if they are late, they will blame any external source and never themselves, as to them personally it was someone else’s fault.

As they are so fast to shift the blame, those around them are often left blaming themselves for everything that’s wrong that they didn’t even cause.

10. Should. A narcissist might think that they should change, yet this is only in a moment when they are not getting something they want, why we get the false promise of ”I’ll go to counselling.” or the bring you gifts, it’s only temporary to meet a need of their own, they feel shame, so they quickly shift this shame out by changing their mind for black to white, once they have what they want they change there should, to you should. Then their own mindset becomes they shouldn’t have to and you should, as it’s never a must, it’s only ever temporary change when they do play nice. When they start directing these should statement towards others, they will then feel anger and resentment towards that other person, which is when their rage often appears, the smear campaigns and all the other destructive hurtful things they do to themselves and to others.

When we think they should behave in a certain way towards us or our children, or when we believe we should try harder to help them see, we should be able to support them, we should be able to explain and defend ourselves to them, we should be able to make it work, and with those not on the disorder we can, working with those on the disorder we can not, as their, feelings, thoughts, opinions, their minds have been made up and anything you say or do will not change this. It only ever works if they believe something to be their idea and this is hard to achieve on a continuous basis, some are dangerous so you have to leave them be, others you can teach them behaviour you will and not accept, by knowing who you are, being nice when they are to you, and leaving them be, giving them no attention when they are treating you badly, again this varies on the severity of the narcissist. When we are full of what we should be able to do, and it doesn’t happen, it leaves us feeling disappointed, let down, hurt, anger and resentment, we have to keep our own standards as high as we want them to be, and our expectations of them extremely low so we don’t feel offended.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Some examples of how narcissistic people manipulate you.

The Narcissist And Triangulation.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Triangulation is another one of their manipulative tactics. To make you feel guilty to Coercive Control you into doing something you wouldn’t normally do, breaking down your boundaries, to make you feel sorry for them and help them achieve something or get one over on someone, to drive a wedge between people, gain supporters, enablers and flying monkeys for the narcissist, by playing people off against each other, to divide and conquer.

It is another form of a narcissists manipulation of those around them, this is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two other people. then they will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this, they will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.

Through triangulation they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they gaslighting people into doubting themselves and shattering people’s self-worth. When they triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening and most of the time neither party knows the truth.

A narcissist wants to

1. Create shame in people into not believing they are worthy or good enough.

2. Create a competition of those around them by comparing people against each other.

3. Create jealous between those around them. The narcissist is extremely envious and jealous of those around them, some make this more obvious than others.

4. Create absolute chaos between people.

5. Create seeds of self-doubt in the minds of those around them.

6. Create an atmosphere in other friendships.

7. Create isolation, cutting people off from support networks and reality checks.

8. Create control of all others,

9. Create a feeling of guilt in others so they conform to the narcissist’s demands.

10. Create confusion in those around them.

11. Create conflict in those around them.

12. Create attention and reality checks going through the narcissist only.

How do they do this?

1. Killing two birds with one stone method. They will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them, or talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them. You then end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing your boundaries, and trying harder and harder to please them. So they can make you doubt your thoughts and feelings if you bring anything up by telling you. “You’re insecure.” When in reality your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention whilst they gain control of your mind and you slowly lose control of your mind.

They will play children off against each other making one the golden child and one the scapegoat, they will alienate children from the healthy parent.

Bosses will play co-workers off against each other and friends will also do this.

2. Recruiting reinforcement. They will lie and smear other people the smear campaigns they will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions become an enabler and helping the narcissist bully and destroy others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.

3. Splitting. The narcissist will extract information from one, then gossip with another about it, they’ll even lie about what one person has said about another, when you defend yourself to the narcissist, the narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what was said to them, they use this to control information shared between people, once they’ve fulled a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others, or fake concerns about you so people pity the narcissist which then cuts you of and protects the narcissists false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.

4. Flirt and deny, another one to provoke the feelings of jealousy, insecurities and self-doubt in you, yet they’ll flirt in front of you then deny all knowledge.

5. Exclusion, when out with friends they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation, they’ll leave you out of jokes, they’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure, if you speak up, they’ll say things like “they need space.” Or “you’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself. Parents will do this with other family members, co-workers and friends will also do this, the friend that is the narcissist might leave you out of an event happening, yet making sure a flying monkey informs you.

6. Extracting information than using it against you in front of others. Again they will use, gossip, lies and private information, they will shame you in front of other people, in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, then they will deny this to you if you dare to ask them.

7. Devalue some to you, so they’ll tell you that they gossip behind your back, that they are no good for you, or how bad it is someone did something you have done to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.

If you are going through triangulation, grey rock or no contact them, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. If you get chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” they informed me you’ve said this about me is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. if they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick it fact, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your own mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns they cycle around it becomes easier to break free

No one is safe from the manipulation and triangulation,

Yet more lies you may have heard from the narcissists in your life and the phrases they use to triangulate.

“My husband/ wife or partner doesn’t understand me.”

“My wife/ husband or partner will no longer have sex with me.”

“I’m sure who I’m with is cheating on me.”

“My ex is crazy.”

“My ex abused me.”

“My ex is stalking me.”

“My children have no respect for me.”

“My ex has turned the children against me.”

“My parents don’t understand me.”

“My parents always prefers my sibling.”

“My parents did nothing for me I was a mistake.”

“My boss is horrible,”

“The Person I’m training up at work is useless,”

“My neighbours have no respect.”

“My friends always want me to help them out.”

“My children never ring to see how I am,”

“My partner would rather play candy crush.”

“They don’t like me.”

“They are envious of me.”

“They talk about you behind your back.”

“I don’t trust that friend of yours, they just use you.”

“Your parents interfere too much in our lives, we should move.”

“That friend of yours just gossips.”

“They borrowed a lot of money from me and never paid me back, Don’t talk to them they are extremely dishonest.”

“The ex made up lies about me because they are bitter, now I’m not allowed to see my own children.”

“I was set up.”

“My boss doesn’t appreciate me.”

It’s to make them look like they are a good honest person and to make the other look bad. To gain control, to get sympathy, to get emotional reactions.

Dealing with the narcissist’s triangulation and smear campaigns is easier than you think once you know why and how.

Knowing who you are and your reality, learning that it doesn’t matter what others think or say about you, they do not define who you are, just because someone else will do something you will not, good for them, and you have every right to say no.

They are entitled to think and be who they want to be and you are also.

If you’re unsure who’s giving the narcissist information about you, tell those you believe it to be a different story about yourself and see which one the narcissist finds out about, you’ll know exactly who their flying monkey is.

If the are telling you story’s about what someone has said to you, ask that someone in front of the narcissist, yes you need to be brave, being brave and knowing the truth is far better than questioning yourself.

Smear campaigns leave them to it, without the fuel of you wasting your breath and good air trying to explain things to others the fire dyes out faster, yes I know that can be incredibly difficult as it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves, yet, people have a right to believe what they want, and you have the right to stay out of it, good people will stay with you, there is those that will be under the narcissists spell, that you’ll just have to walk away from.

Live for you and who you want to be, you don’t need to people please, or be liked by everyone, good people will love you for you.

The best method to help with triangulation for you is to take yourself out of the triangle, grey rock or no contact, just remove yourself from the situation and stop playing. Narcissistic people find it incredibly hard to play when you’re no longer playing.

If you can not go no contact, It’s grey rock, remove negativity from your life to allow for positive more happiness in your life. The narcissist can not play you when you’re no longer willing to be a pawn in their games, unfortunately, they may smear your name to victim play, just stay out of it, always trust your instinct, even when your unsure to what it’s telling you. It will become clear I’m time.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Why not to bother explaining yourself to a narcissist.