Narcissists Lacking In Critical Thinking Skills. Communication With A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

when it’s comes to communication with a narcissist, be it your parents, partners siblings, boss, friends, co-workers or trying to co-parent, fear and panic can hit hard, learning how to Stand up for yourself and speaking your mind to them, to be yourself around them, then when you do try to get your point of view across, enforce your boundaries, it can be one of the most emotionally draining, hurtful, confusing and at times scary experiences. conversations with a narcissist at times are impossible. You can communicate with them, all we have to do is open our mouths and talk, that’s communication, yet having a conversation with them about something they have done, finding a compromise find the middle ground, trying to work through issues together is virtually impossible. One of the best methods to recover from this kind of emotional abuse is no contact, in some cases, this isn’t always possible, and in some cases they are on the lower end of the spectrum, these are when it’s best to learn how they work, and how to handle yourself around them. So you don’t end up feeling angry, hurt and confused. When you feel yourself going it’s always best to retreat, rethink and then respond if you need to do so.

A conversation with a narcissist is crazy-making. They will provoke you. Switch the topic, talk over you, play the victim. Gaslight you, triangulate or fall silent. Anger and rage when they don’t get what they want. This could be learned behaviour from childhood, or it could simply be they do not understand why we don’t see it their way. Just like we don’t understand to begin with how they don’t ours, yet we are capable of learning. As they don’t understand sometimes a simple conversation they can take as criticism if it doesn’t match exactly what they think, Provoking their defensive mechanics and creating rage and anger in them, even though that’s not our intentions, or when you just want them to say sorry, give you closure, yet they are either unwilling or unable. Now some are highly toxic and dangerous, these are more the narcissistic sociopath or narcissistic psychopath, only you know the kind of narcissist you are dealing with, but the more you stand your ground to them, the more all hell seems to break loose, and you are left constantly on the lookout for the next game.

Here’s a little more information on why a narcissist can not just see your point of view and always seems to work against you, as it’s always their way or you will suffer way, and it doesn’t have to be that way, you can lead them to think something was their idea, true to narcissist form if they believe it’s their idea they will go with it, yes this seems manipulative, so long as your doing it so your relationship works better with your parents, boss, children’s parents, so long as it’s not out of spite to cause hurt or pain, you’re doing it to see healthier results all round not to be hurtful.

New research shows that narcissists are less likely to use critical thinking and are lacking in cognitive reflection skills, this is good news for those of you that question am I the narcissist? Which most of us do when first learning about the disorder another reason your not when you overthink and over reflect and question so much from your past, also another reason why narcissists act on impulse and can simply walk away taking everything with them without a glance back.

Grandiose and victim narcissist differ in their cognitive reflection skills, the grandiose narcissist is the type most people think about when they hear the word narcissist, arrogant, superiority, entitled and come across as having very high self-esteem, and extroverted. to the outside world. Vulnerable narcissists can come across as insecure to those closest to them. They are more defensive and often yet not always more introverted. Most narcissists do act on impulse and are unable to reflect on what they did wrong, whilst others are more calculated and once they’ve made a choice are still less able to reflect on that choice. Both the grandiose and the venerable narcissist are self-centred and can be highly impulsive, even if they don’t act on impulse all the time, once they’ve made a choice they stick with it and don’t have the ability to reflect correctly, see it from another viewpoint or change their mind. Once they’ve set a plan into action they just roll with it and stick to their truths, their false reality. A vulnerable narcissist is most likely to reflect temporary but only in a process that is namely me, myself and I, and not usually for the benefit of others.

Most narcissists seem to lack the ability to make a choice based on critical thinking skills, and even when they are wrong, lacking in cognitive reflection means they are not as able as those not on the spectrum to effectively reflect on the choices they have made.

Narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum so their is those that might be able to yet that’s often rarely to never, and they often revert back to their original way of thinking when their needs are met, often why you get the false apology, that’s usually blamed on something you did, then once needs are met they revert back to their negative ways.

Narcissists are far less likely to use critical thinking which is important to make good sound decisions and the ability to solve problems.

Cognitive reflection is a person having the ability to reflect on something they might have done wrong, mistakes they have made, instead they override any thought that they could, in fact, be in the wrong as they can not reflect on their own actions, if others perceive them as wrong, they will cling on to the fact that they are right as they are unable to reflect and find ways of making their actions or behaviour correct.

Which is why no one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do, yet don’t want others to think they are wrong. The whole, That didn’t happen, and if it did, it wasn’t my fault and if it was, then you made me do it.

Critical thinking is having the ability to analyse facts to form a judgment, the ability to think clearly and rationally then understanding the logic between ideas, or actions, the ability to engage and reflect.

No one thinks critically all of the time, especially when our self-control is affected by anger, pain, resentment, grief or joy, or we are just being single-minded which even those of us who are not narcissistic can slip into in various situations, however a narcissist rarely uses critical thinking for the good of others, only temporarily to serve themselves.

This is why when you are trying to reach a compromise with them over something, they can not see it from your point of view, they can only see it from their own, you might as well go blue in the face discussing things that matter to you at a brick wall, as if you’ve thoughts, feelings or opinions are not the same as the narcissists they are not listening, if they are and they don’t agree with you, the more you push the subject the more anger they feel that you don’t see it their way, the more the act on impulse to cut you down.

when narcissists are show facts, they struggle to use critical thinking skills, instead of going for gut instincts resulting in impulsive behaviours.

The grandiose side of their personality disorder overrides their ability to critically analysis facts.

so with some, it could simply be they are truly incapable of listening to what you are trying to say. They are simply stuck within their own mindset without the ability to think differently.

If you can not go, no contact, which I always advise as best, as their thinking skills, mixed with a lack of empathy and remorse. Makes for some of the most hurtful, toxic people their is, so with most it truly needs to be no contact. Yet there are those on the lower end of the spectrum or If you can not go no contact, here’s a few ways to deal with them, in conversation.

Always look calm and collected, looking just over their shoulder and try not to make direct eye contact when they come at you with the word salad.

If it’s face to face and you feel a need to respond, do not react to the vile things they are saying to provoke you. Remember who they are observing them, knowing they are only saying things to provoke you, passing their own insecurities off onto you, do not absorb the words, don’t take them personally, don’t defend yourself that’s what they want and why they are doing it. Instead, say things like. “You seem upset all the time are you ok.” Or “you seem negative all the time are you ok.” And leave them to it, don’t continue a conversation just hit repeat of what you said, as they will try to twist it and turn it onto you. If you repeat the same thing you’ll watch them get more frustrating that they can not draw the reactions out of you that they want from you.

Shut them down by not reacting to what they are saying, if it’s messages, don’t go off-topic, do not respond to whatever they are throwing at you, say it once and leave it. So if it’s things like. ” kids have something on, they’ll be ready at 6.” And they come at you with. “That’s just like you.” You’ve said all that needed to be said, do not explain yourself you already have, they didn’t listen the first time they’ll not listen the second. Or when they bring the children home late, pick up late, again act to them like it’s not bothered you.

Other phrases are. “Why would you think that.” Or “you’re entitled to your point of view and I’m entitled to mine.

When you do say these things make sure your face stays straight and keep your emotions hidden. Always look calm and collected. When they are not getting what they want from you, they get angry and they make themselves feel better by making you feel bad.

Once you learn to do it, you’ll know their games and it’ll no longer affects you, it takes practice.

At the start, you may need to get your reactions and emotions out, just do not do it to the narcissist.

Boundaries and no contact is best if it’s not possible then do the above, you are worth so much more. You will recover and move forward to a much happier life.

You’re Allowed To Cut Narcissistic Parents Out Of Your Life.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Before I start on why it’s ok to remove toxic parents from your life, I’ll explain some signs your parents could be full scale narcissistic, also please remember the narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum and some you can once heal and once learned how to handle a narcissist those on the lower end of the spectrum you might not need to fully cut out, if you can manage your emotions around them and not let their negativity, toxic behaviour affect you. I say you as they will not change who they are, so we have to learn to accept them for who they are, choose to heal and overcome then manage ourselves and our time with them, which is great if you can, if not or they are on the upper end of the scale, no contact is always best, this often makes people feel bad, or guilty and this is normal to feel this way, so I’ll explain why in some cases you need to go no contact and you need to let go of that guilt for doing so.

I too without realising it at the time grew up with a narcissistic father, as the scapegoat child I left home at fifteen and went no contact, unfortunately this also meant no contact with my mother, who is an amazing mother, when I was expecting my first child a few years later I reached out, as I wanted the children to have their grandparents, unfortunately growing up with a narcissist, meant I married a narcissist, my first partner was not a narcissist and treated me so well, yet sadly after a few years we just grew apart, then I met, married and had children with a narcissist, through childhood programming of beliefs, I accepted behaviour from the husband as normal that I should have never accepted, even though I knew something wasn’t right, by beliefs that children should grow with both parents together, guilt for splitting you a family unit, kept me trapped in that relationship way longer than I should have stayed, after the fourth affair I finally left, the ex-husband, was in the middle of the spectrum, then I met the narcissist sociopath five years I split from the husband, as you will all most likely know he treated me better than anyone ever had before I knew what hit me, he just happened to be living with me and a few years later we were expecting our first child, which is when things changed, again not having the awareness of what was truly happening and from learned behaviour from childhood I did not see what was happening to me, I did however finally break free came across the term narcissist, started crossing the t’s and dotting the I’s and the massive realisation after realisation, it was a long hard road. During the time with the ex sociopath narcissist, I had become isolated from so many including my parents again, as I had done so in the past I believed it was all down to me and myself to blame, I had been programmed throughout childhood to take the blame, with the ex narcissist sociopaths triangulation surrounding my parents and toxic words, I’d told him all about my past, so he knew exactly what to use against me to get my mind ticking and cut my father off, which yet again resulted in little contact with my own mother, who’s not narcissistic.

You see my dad is extremely negative, full of criticism and always expects me to pay for everything, other than ” I put a roof over your head.” And I helped do your garden.” The only thing he ever did and that was for the sole purpose to bath at my home and have a cooked meal, as he’s the tightest person I’ve ever met when it comes to money. Those are the only two things he ever did for me, he did however also teach me to be self-reliant which helped massively when getting away from toxic ex’s. When I first learned about narcissistic behaviour, and my dad would come at me, I’d just imagine myself flicking him on the nose, slowly I’ve learned to just prove him wrong when he says I can not, limit my time around him, observing his words and letting them bounce off me not absorbing, finding the laughter in the unbelievable things he comes out with and saying phrases like. “That’s interesting.” Or “why would you think that.” And things like. “In your opinion, however, that’s not my opinion.” Then leaving it be, not getting drawn off-topic or into an argument as the only person who ends up feeling hurt, disappointment or anger is me, he like most narcissistic people gets a real kick out of seeing me upset, he even asked if I was looking forward to a finding of facts case in court with the ex, unbelievable. They do not have the perspectives or emotional empathy to care or see how something could be affecting you.

Now it’s taken hard work, mistakes, and practice to get to the point of being able to spend limited time around him, without letting him have and say or impact on my life, and this isn’t for everyone, it depends on the narcissist you are dealing with, understanding those you can manage yourself around understand only on a pint-sized level, their level of perspectives and opinions, whist good people understand empathy, prospectives and opinions of others on a gallon-sized level also helps, my dad had very little empathy, yet he had a little, ex narcissist sociopath doesn’t so it’s simply no contact, which was far from simple to start.

If they have one or two of these they might just be negative people and you can manage your time around them, if they have them all, only you know just how bad it is or affects you and if you can disarm them when around them, or it needs to be no contact.

A few signs of Narcissistic parents signs, like signs of all narcissists.

1. Jealous and envious of you, when you make your own life choices, putting you down when you are doing well or telling you that you can not do that when you’re trying something new.

2. Dependent on you, emotionally, financially, there’s nothing wrong with taking care of your parents, yet good parents would not want you to sacrifice who you are or what your doing to take care of them, narcissistic parents look for ways to make sure you’re sacrificing your life for them as they feel more important and want to feel special.

3. Lack of empathy, they invalidate your thoughts, feelings and opinions, only what they think matters.

4. Lives through you, wants you to do what they want, wants you to have the career they want, not open to what you would like to do for you.

5. Superficial image, everything they portray to the outside world about family life, is exaggerated or lies and doesn’t match the reality of what family life is truly like.

6. Manipulation, the words they use to undermine you and destroy your self-worth. Things like.

Comparison in a negative way. “Why can you not be more like your siblings.”

Guilt trips. “After all, I’ve done for you, you can not do this for me, you’re so ungrateful.

Shaming you.” How could you not achieve this, you’re an embarrassment.”

Unreasonably pressure. ” if you don’t do your best you’re no child of mine.” Good parents will raise you to try your best and help you through mistakes.

Manipulative reward. “If you don’t do this I’m cutting you out of my will.”

There are just a few examples theirs so many more.

Sometimes we end up with a narcissistic partner because one or both parents were narcissistic.

A few more things if you’re still working out if your parents are narcissistic. They might not have done all of these, if you find yourself saying yes to most, you are most likely dealing with a narcissistic parent.

Was either every single aspect of your childhood controlled by one of your parents? Or were you completely ignored like you didn’t even exist? Or they might try and live through you, living their own dreams by pushing them onto you and not allowing you to learn to live your own dreams.

When you’re growing up you look up to your parents as role models, if they were narcissistic you developed coping mechanisms to survive.

So what is the difference between a narcissistic parent and a normal whatever normal is parent?

Most parents want the best for their children, most are proud and most think their children are beautiful. Most will discipline their children, most like to show off about their children and most do have grumpy days, that may result in snapping at their children, this is normal.

The most common signs your parent was a narcissist is they denied you the right to be yourself, to discover who you are, they have no empathy for you or how you feel.

Was the image outside the family home always perfect, yet inside was completely different?

Did they go around ruining special occasions, always needing to be the centre of attention?

Where they never wrong? Would they twist everything to blame you? Did they never apologise? Or if the did apologise did you feel like it was still your fault?

Did they never seem to take your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board?

Did they always criticise you and put you down?

If you were Gaslighted and controlled by your parent? They most likely are a narcissist.

Where you constantly insulted, criticised and put down by your parent?

Did they always take you to the doctors for issues you didn’t know you had?

Did they deny you love and affection unless you achieved?

You could never share thought or feelings, as they would be used against you?

Did your parent always, lie, manipulate and try to control you?

Did they always take the credit for your achievements?

Did you feel like your parent was always competing with you?

Did your parents just constantly storm your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy?

Did they look through your personal belongings? often saying they just want to know more about you, yet not giving you your personal space?

Did they deliberately break things you owned?

Did they always guilt trip you?

Always spoke of their problems with you, but never listened to yours?

If you said anything to them about them that they didn’t like, did they smack you, send you to your room or scream at you?

Were you the forgotten child, the golden child that always had to perform for your mother or the scapegoat always being blamed?

Did you feel like you had to parent your own parent, take care of them, comfort them, not just because they were under the weather but all the time?

If you’re a people pleaser it might just be because your own parent was a narcissist. Do you feel shame or guilt? Constantly trying your best so that all others like you. You may have always felt empty inside like you don’t deserve happiness, you may have trust issues, you may find your emotions hard to deal with. You may find it difficult to say no, creating and enforcing boundaries, little self-worth and self-love if you felt this way growing up, and into adulthood, you may have always had to defend yourself to your parent, often doubting reality around her. it could be because you had a narcissistic parent.

When you’re surrounded with negativity it breeds negatively. Being around toxic people sends your mind and your spirit into turmoil. Surrounded by issues, problems, yelling, screaming, pain, hurt, lies, anger, dysfunction. It goes on all day every day, walking on eggshells not knowing what is going to happen next, so when you go to sleep at night, you may sleep but you’re not resting. This also has massive effects on your mental health.

When the things you are doing, the places you’re in, the circles of people you’re around isn’t bringing you inner joy it affects everything about you. To the point, you no longer know who you are. And you no longer love yourself.

The Narcissist is jealous and envious of all those around them, they have issues and insecurities they project onto you. They’ve sent you ever sign imaginable that they don’t care for you. As we are so trained to have people around us, we continue to make excuses and go back, we accept the behaviour as normal that we should have never accepted. you continue to show up to everything they invite you to, hoping for better, yet knowing they are no good for you, yet as you don’t know why you continue to work harder to please them and try again.

I’m not saying you need to remove everybody and go it completely alone forever. It’s about being around the right people.

When you’re surrounded by negative and dark toxic people, you will be unable to love yourself, find who you are. Go to sleep at night and rest. Your days will not feel good.

So what if you’ve spent years with them?

So what if you have children with them?

So what if they are family?

So what if it’s familiar?

You have to learn no matter how hard it is, to love yourself, have a happier life. You have to walk away from negative people and walk in the direction of peace.

You want to love yourself and love life, you want to laugh, smile and enjoy. You need to feel good about you and those around you.

You have a choice, you might think it’s a hard choice, but when you stay around toxic negative people, that choice isn’t working too well, the choice to leave is hard, but life will become better when you make the right choices for you and work through the pain, learn from the mistakes and grow into who you want to be.

When you keep extreme toxic people in your life, its always draining, it is always challenging, its always hard, it is always heartbreaking.

They are insecure they try and make you feel bad, they have a problem with you, yet you don’t have a problem with them, you try time and time again to help them, and all that happens is you lose a little more of who you are each and every time.

They subtlety manipulate you, they are jealous of you. They don’t like that you can change develop and grow, people come to your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime, you need to learn what people have entered your life for. You have to recognize when the season that person entered your life for is over.

In order for you to not sink, in order for your career, your personal life your everything to not go under, you need to remove toxic people, if you have gone under, you need to remove toxic people and build yourself right back up.

If you’re not growing with someone, your dying with them, loyalty is not worth it when they are not loyal to you and all they do is sink you further into depths of despair.

When you’ve been overused and over abused that loyalty needs an expiration date.

Some people are just not right for you. Don’t play the victim. You do not need to be a victim, do not define who you are as a victim, victim mindset will work against you and never for you.

When your mind creates negative thoughts you don’t have to think them if it’s not happening in that present moment you can change them.

When people invite you to negative places when they invite you to arguments you have a choice to no longer show up.

No one wants to be alone, but why spend the rest of your life with those who make you feel lonely, don’t allow those who make you feel lonely to rent space in your head for free.

Feeling good, feeling happy, isn’t an opportunity, its a responsibility, its great opportunity’s you have to create for yourself.

Who cares what they or others say about you. Stigmas, or what others say, does not define who you are, you can not control those around you. You can control you. With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your live fro you.

The people you invite into your life is going to have a massive impact on how you feel.

You may not have to know what they were in the beginning, they play a good part of being a good person, you may not know in the middle, but once you do know, it’s time to face your fears, face your own insecurities, lose the guilt and walk away, you can not help those unwilling to help themselves. You can help you.

Love yourself enough, you remove toxic people from your life, find those who raise you, leave those who drain you.

Walk with those who want to grow with you, who want to better themselves, who want to give back and help others, there’s nothing wrong with trying to help and giving to others, you just need to do it with the right people.

Want better for you, take the baby steps to do better for you, make the choices that are right for you. Walk with those who bring the best out in you. Not the worst out in you.

You want better for you, you deserve better for you, do what’s right for you.

Signs You Are Healing. When You Are Having A Bad Moment, Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse By Elizabeth Shaw -Life Coach.

Healing after narcissistic abuse, whether you were raised by narcissists or didn’t meet one until later in life, no matter who that narcissist was to you. It is a step by step process, we all have good days, and we all have those moments and those moments that can turn into one of those days, we can then start to overthink, over-feel and wonder what’s going on especially when we’ve been doing so well. When our minds are not sure, they might then start to wander and look for what’s wrong. Sometimes it is something that has triggered us, if it is that we do need to feel the pain, face the fear to deal with it, let it go and move past it, yet sometimes it’s not that, sometimes it is just life, life likes to knock us off balance at times, when we can not pinpoint what it is we can then look for problems to make sense of it all, sometimes it’s just one of those moments, one of those days, sometimes life gets hard. When those days hit, in the morning think about three things no matter how small, you will achieve that day, and do them, then acknowledge you did in the evening, this builds momentum, and do the same the next day, your mind might be craving some certainty within your life, or a shift in your routine can help, being more prepared for the next day, finding something funny, or even trying something new, your human needs might just be wanting to create some uncertainty in your life, positive uncertainty, like a new hobby. Reaching out to friends as you might be craving some connection with others, just know it’s ok to have those off moments and those down days, just find the method within to keep going, the moment will soon be over and you can find brighter things. Just know and remember you’re not alone. We all have our moments.

Remember when you hit a low, you’ve just been planted to grow, when those dark moments come, work through them to find the light.

“Darkness can not drive out darkness only light can do that, hate can not drive out hate, only love can do that.” Martin Luther King jr.

Learning to love yourself again for who you are and not what others tell you to be.

Here are a few things to remember and recognise you are healing, if you’ve come so far and that bad moment has made you question something.

First, of all no matter where you are in your life’s journey of rediscovery and healing No matter where you are in your journey. congratulate yourself for taking the steps to overcome an extremely painful and traumatic experience both emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physical, even if they were never physically violent emotional abuse takes a toll on our physical health, from adrenaline fatigue to blood pressure, illness, lots of things.

Congratulate yourself for now choosing every day to no longer participate in the narcissist deeply hidden slow mental abuse, congratulate yourself for working out what is very hard to see. Congratulate yourself for taking positive steps forward, for making the choice to change direction in your life, to find your happiness and your joy.

When you have newfound confidence, happiness, respect for yourself and others, moving forward in your life no matter how slow or how fast, you are a great example to others going through this very traumatic experience, you are healing from narcissist abuse. You are stronger and wiser than you were before and you have a newfound ability to stand up for yourself. You now recognise when you’ve been manipulated by, shame, guilt, passive-aggressive behaviour. Take steps to keep discovering your inner confidence, it’s something you create from within daily. By how you walk, how you talk to yourself, how you dress, trying new things, growing who you are as an individual.

If you can now assertively and loving to communicate who you are to others, if you can now say no to something that you don’t believe is good for you, even if you take a step back, that’s ok just go again, reminding yourself of your values, who you are. What you will and will not accept from others.

If you’ve seen reality, even if that reality hit hard, if you now can respect and know yourself enough, to walk away from people who simply don’t make you feel good, not fearing hurting those who hurt you by simply walking away, remember they Handed you the knife with their treatment towards you. That’s why you had to cut them loose, this is never mean or to hurt another. This is because they hurt you, they are no good for you. All you did it’s what’s best for your mental health, they are not worthy of you, nothing to feel guilty or ashamed for, you are a loving, kind, caring person who gave it your all and perhaps more than you should as you didn’t understand. Now you are starting to understand you know you can not help them, you’re freeing each other, what they choose to do with that is up to them, your entitled to live in a non-toxic environment, you’re entitled to be you.

When you are no longer in denial, you want to stand up for yourself, you want to be valued and be heard, you’ll no longer worry about being judged, as you know those who judge have their own issues, those who truly love and care about you, will respect you as you do them. With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life. There is only your way. Don’t worry about judgment from others, the haters or the naysayers. They are not your problem, you can believe and recover. You can aim high and miss them go again, we all make mistakes, those mistakes are ok, we just get up, learn from them and go again.

Be humble, not everyone needs to know your business, most don’t care, some are glad it’s you and others are envious of you, yet there are those who truly care about you, just like you care for others. Share with those who raise you up, those who pull you down, teach them with massive action and success, whatever you want to be successful in that they underestimate you.

When you start to feel whole within yourself and not need someone else to complete you, you’ll know if you’ve found the right one or someone to walk away from. When you fill your own cup up, create your own inner happiness, shifting away from those moments to the great moments, it’s ok to not be ok all the time, in fact, it’s normal, learning to Handel who you are, how you think and how you feel.

When you no longer people please, you’ll be able to say no to others without fear of them walking out of your life because you’ll know people like that are not worthy of you. Even if you’re just learning the art of saying no, recognising that you can be with someone and feel alone, yet you can be alone and not feel lonely, this takes time and practice, once you start doing things for you it gets easier.

When know and recognise that any relationship is given and take. You’ll happily give to those who are willing to give to you. When respect and manners are no longer being served you now know to leave the table.

No longer making excuses for other people’s bad behaviour. Knowing how someone behaves is a reflection of them, not you, always be kind to others, even if that kindness is walking away, don’t let how others act towards you affect how you feel, their bad behaviour is their responsibility only, your response is your responsibility.

Either keep on or start to surround your self, with people who understand others have different opinions and that it’s ok. People who are willing to learn and grow, you’ll know everyone makes mistakes, but those who are willing to learn from them you want as friends. People who understand we have highs and lows, people who can relate, people who have your back, through the good times, the bad times and the ugly times.

Knowing that your empathy and compassion is always a good thing. It’s beautiful, you are special, worthy, loveable and you have greatness within you. You’ll know that you need to apply those to yourself before others. You need to create the best of you to give the best of you, even when you’re feeling at your worst, like the plain, you put the oxygen mask on yourself first, so you can be at your best to help others, good people will walk with you, we all make mistakes, we all have flaws, good people will see those flaws and making you flawless, they see imperfections as what makes you perfect, they’ll see vulnerabilities as strengths, they’ll see kindness as quality. Be who you want to be, good people will be right with you at your worst on those bad days when you’re overwhelmed with emotions and on those good days when you’re feeling so lucky.

When you lose interest in people, who have vague communication skills, who are mysterious, who play mind games, as you’ll be well aware of these games. You’ll no longer be confused. You’ll be able to observe situations with more objectiveness, you understand what’s flattery and what compliments.

Know you are not alone, we all fall, we all struggle, we all have those moments, it ok to feel down, and it’s also ok to build yourself back up and feel strong, life’s a roller coaster, ride out those lows and create those highs, when a dark cloud from the past comes along, it’s not to dampen your day or your spirit, it’s to remind you of how far you have come, how much you have grown, how much brighter your days are. How much you have to be grateful for. Stay strong, you’ve truly got this and I for one am right behind you.

How The Narcissist Invalidates You And How To Handle It.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Invalidation is when your, thoughts, feelings, opinions, Weight, shape, Job, relationships, it can be a severe as everything about who you and what you do is rejected, ignored, criticised and judged, by the narcissist.

One of our six human needs is love and connection, to feel like we belong. It’s as essential to our mental health as water is to our physical health. Connecting to others and having a sense of belonging and validation is a core human need.

When we feel validated, we feel understood and accepted by those around us, when we are supportive of each other, when we raise each other up, we feel, heard, seen, worthy, confident, loved, happy and valued.

People who have the empathy to appreciate and understand how another is or could be feeling will validate others and those who validate others makes them feel valued when it’s reciprocated. When people acknowledge each other’s thoughts, feelings and opinions, even if they are not their own, they can understand the other person’s viewpoint, yet be strong enough to hold onto their own viewpoints when needed, whilst not being dismissive of others.

A narcissist, however, is lacking in empathy so they are incapable to validate another’s thoughts, feelings or sense of self, as the narcissistic person has deep down hidden insecurities and possibly never felt valued, they try to create this within themselves by invalidating those around them, to feel valued within themselves. By putting others down, this then makes them feel superior and when they feel superior they feel valued. Which is the wrong way to go about it as it never truly validates them, they are incapable of connecting to others on a deeper level, incapable to learn from their own mistakes or other mistakes, as growth is one of the six human needs and they never grow, they become stuck in that pattern of repeat, hurting others and hurting themselves, contribution is another human need, and as they only ever contribute sometimes positive to meet a need of their own, mostly negative to meet their own needs, they end up feeling even less validation, creating more insecurities, more shame, which they have only learned to burry deep, hide it, mask it, run away from it, shift the blame, deep inside they live in a very woe is me, the world is against me mindset.

What we all need to learn, as hard as it is at times, it’s up to ourselves to make our worlds work for us, to raise ourselves back up, to contribute to ourselves and others in positive ways, to know ourselves well enough to validate ourselves and those around us, so we have the help and support from good people, to achieve what we want from life and when that support network isn’t there, we can give ourselves the get up and go, we can say no to the naysayers and those who intimidate or invalidate us, instead we can show them it is possible. For a narcissist to change, they would have to raise their own level of self-awareness face, guilt, pain, insecurities and so many more. As they are unable to see any faults or wrongdoings within themselves it’s highly unlikely, they can falsely change at the moment to meet a need, again that change is only surface level and not getting to the route cause, they are only temporarily changing to manipulate others into getting their own needs met.

How do they invalidate us?

1. The silent treatment, psychological manipulation to control someone else’s mind, by causing server psychological and emotional trauma.

one of the most emotionally and psychologically damaging parts of an abusive relationship is the invalidation, when a narcissist has no reaction to us, goes silent on us, we feel, unimportant, invisible, irreverent, and worthless. We most often don’t understand why or what’s happening, we look for reasons of what we did, we are in the worst psychological and emotional pain, then when we reach out, beg, plead, apologies, do all we can to make it up to them and they still don’t respond, we feel more worthless.

When they do finally respond, it releases the pain and trauma they put us in, in a negative way we then perceive this as being heard and feel validated.

This is one of the causes for trauma bonding, and why we start walking on eggshells around them, the intermittent reinforcement, we’ve lived the times when they will raise us high and shower us with attention, so we believe they can, we lived that reality, which is what causes the cognitive dissonance within our minds, where we feel confused, in a trance a daze? Believing we are depressed or going crazy as all our realities and beliefs are completely mixed up, due to their manipulative treatment towards us, we believe if we can just treat them right, they will treat us right.

This then gets us believing within ourselves, that we are to blame and it’s all our fault, because we don’t feel validated, we then falsely believe that their silent treatments, their invalidation of who we are are because of something we did wrong and not that their actions towards us are indeed what makes them in the wrong.

When our minds get trained into believing we must do something to earn validation, it leads us to falsely believe we are in the wrong of someone else doesn’t validate us.

As we are capable of accepting responsibility for things we haven’t even done, we are capable of looking inwards, opening up, healing our inner traumas, learning about ourselves, growing and moving forward to a much happier life.

2. Gaslighting is also a hideous form of psychological manipulation to distort another’s reality.

As a narcissist Denys us of our realties, our beliefs, our hopes and our dreams, our experiences, things like, that never happened, I never said that you’re just insecure, no one likes you, you’re overacting, you’re mistaken it didn’t happen like that, I’m not talking to you about this, you shouldn’t be angry, it’s all your fault, don’t take things personally. It invalidates our reality and our experiences, often leading us to go to them for validation and answers just to have ourselves invalidate even more.

We slowly believe the false narrative of the narcissist’s toxic words, as it becomes easier for our minds to see it that way, and we feel validated by them when we accept their lies. Our minds believes The truth is harder to see and more painful to handle so we run from it, when in reality that pain lasts until we face it, once we face it all and deal with it all, accept truly what has happened again, connecting with those who’ve lived it we then become validated within ourselves again.

3. Blame shifting, where the narcissist definitely did do something, yet they twist and turn it all around onto you, so they can escape accountability and avoid responsibility.

with the gaslighting and silent treatments our minds have already been trained to look towards ourselves for blame, the narcissist uses many gaslighting phrases to pass the blame onto us, the silent treatments so we self blame, or they provoke to get a reaction from us, then downplay or forget what they did and turn it all around to what we did, even if we didn’t do anything, they will find fault.

When someone is always picking faults at own behaviour, it leaves us questioning what’s wrong with us, rather than looking at reality, their blame-shifting validates our negative behaviours, no one is perfect we all make mistakes, even with good intentions people can act in negative ways, when these are the things that are always brought up, our minds begin to subconsciously look for the negatives, look for the blame, as they never validate the good that we do, we no longer feel good about ourselves, good enough or worthy of others, leaving us with self-doubt, questioning all our behaviours and actions

When our minds are programmed to think in negative ways, we find it increasingly more difficult to find the joys in life, overwhelmed with negative emotions, often causing anxiety and CPTSD.

There are lots of steps to overcome anxiety and CPTSD which I’ve talked about before, another to help with this is reprogramming our subconscious mind to work for us, this takes time an practice, once you can master your own thoughts and emotions life becomes more joyful, it doesn’t mean bad things will not happen, or pain those low moments will not hit, it means you’ll be better prepared for how to handle those moments, be able to understand how to make life work for you, so when something happens In a morning, like you can not find your car keys and start to think it’s going to be one of those days, then find everything about that day to make it one of those days, you’ll stop and think, find them, call a friend, get public transport, you’ll recognise it’s just a moment in time and doesn’t need to affect the rest of your day, you’ll find methods within your mind to overcome obstacles rather than avoid them, overcome situations, rather than let them bring you down, face the real problems rather than finding other problems.

4. Denial, the narcissist denies us of realities and truths, always lying and hiding things, deception is their middle name and the aim of the game is to invalidate all others, gain control and do as they please, even the breakups the discard, is done in such cruel ways to deny us closure, to leave us to try and work it all out whilst left in emotional turmoil, they great news is once you do learn about the narcissistic personality disorder you can give yourself the closure, even with facts and evidence placed in front of them they will deny, leaving our minds confused, questioning them more, leaving us hurt and angry, whilst their sense of self is inflated as they feel important that others want answers, they don’t care for negative attention or positive, attention is attention, what matters to them is when they are ignored, no longer important to others, often why most will seek to destroy those who go no contact.

5. Financial abuse, there are so many ways narcissist financial abuse people, yet somehow most control the money, either not wanting you to work, and finding ways so you can not, or them not working and playing the guilt card to borrow money and never pay you back, both methods invalidate your security to either have the right to earn or spend money on yourself.

6. The constant criticism, from how you look, what you wear, your shape, size, hair, they constantly go at any flaws or insecurities that you might have had, they pick us apart bit by bit, from telling us directly. Overt. “You couldn’t do that course.” To the covert “I wouldn’t bother if I was you.” They slowly invalidate how we feel about ourselves, our capabilities, our thoughts, so they can feel better within themselves.

Narcissistic people love to manipulate and invalidate, why most survivors of narcissistic abuse are left afraid to speak out, in case others invalidate them further, yet joining support groups and supportive people, just sit back and observe first make sure they are the right people, once you are ready to open up, you’ll see how you are thinking and feeling after or during a narcissistic relationship is normal and your thoughts are valid.

There are hurt people who go around hurting people to help themselves feel better. Then there are hurting people who go around helping people as they don’t want others to feel how they feel.

No contact with those who invalidate who you are is the best method to start recovery, finding people who will validate you until you can start to validate yourself again helps massively.

If you can not go no contact, Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, that one response is for you, you can communicate with them, but you must understand if it doesn’t serve them they are not listening and will seek to take you down, to gain control over you. You, however, are entitled to be who you want to be and think how you want to think, narcissistic people are not looking for compromise as you are, they are looking at everything single-minded and from their way only.

If you respond state your point calmly and once, you do not need to defend your actions, thoughts or feelings to them, most will try to take you off topic leave them to it, know your point and stick to it. You can only compromise with those who understand give and take.

Let them know if you want that you understand their point of view, yet it’s not for you.

Make sure your behaviour matches your words, once they take you down on one thing, they’ll go for more.

Don’t get angry, yes it’s hard at first, they want you to be angry, that’s why they are doing what they do.

creating your inner confidence and self-validation, so you observe others negativity and don’t absorb. Confidence is not something anyone just has, it’s something they create, for themselves.

Not everything is positive, try to find the positive in everything.

Start speaking up for yourself, no more I don’t mind, unless you truly don’t about that thing, start doing what you’d like to do for you.

Stop worrying about offending others, be tactful yes, be humble yes, but don’t deny yourself the truth of who you are, with good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way.

Face your fears head-on and overcome them one by one, not easy, start with the small ones, if it’s smiling at a stranger keep doing it, when people start smiling back it lifts you up, then look for the next fear.

Dress how you want to dress, raise your head high and walk tall, dress to impress yourself.

Compliment others, genuine compliments, raising others up actually helps raise yourself up.

Focus on the good, things to be grateful for, look for things you have achieved.

Look to others for inspiration that has achieved, they are human just like you, they will have had their ups and downs, perhaps different to yours yet they’ll have had them, if they can do something, you can too.

Ignore the haters they are not for you.

make some You time each day to sit and reflect, give yourself credit for things you have achieved, progress made and things you are proud of.

Know within yourself, you have a right to feel how you feel, accept how you feel in the moment, learn to recognise the emotions and what they are teaching you, work through them.

Don’t allow frustration to let you feel shame, we all slip up, we all make mistakes, then our minds look for. “This always happens to me.” Or. “It’s going to be a bad day.” I knew I couldn’t do it, no point trying.” We the spiral into depression, most often left with these feelings after a narcissistic relationship, remind yourself that you are human, If Thomas Edison felt that way he wouldn’t have invented the light bulb, instead he said. “I haven’t failed, I just found 10,000 ways it didn’t work.” Tell yourself to go again, you can and you will.

Find your strengths and skills and work to create brighter things.

Some people believe having confidence makes them narcissistic, with good intentions towards others this simply isn’t true, a narcissist tries to build themselves up by destroying others, good people build themselves up by helping others.

Remember there is a difference between a confident narcissistic negative person. Their confidence is actually arrogance, they believe they are better than all others.

Empathetic confident person. The ability of been certain within yourself and your abilities.