Disarming A Narcissist With The Grey Rock Method.

How to handle yourself around a narcissist.

Realising that a partner, family member, friend or work colleague is a narcissist, or at the very least toxic, that they simply don’t care for you as they lack in the empathy to, that they only show they care when they want to use and exploit you, then discards you like an object which never existed when a shiny new person turns up for them until they get bored of them and come back to hoover you, is painful and devastating, all that manipulative rollercoaster they take you through, raising you so high, releasing that dopamine, then sinking you causing that much stress your cortisol levels rise, creating that Trauma Bond, that along with the fear from all their intimidation, and the crumbs of hope they feed us, we stay in the hope that things will change only they never do. We stay for fear of reactions if we stand up for ourselves, often unwittingly fawning to the abuse’s demands. When we have to courage to walk away, we can then have those feelings of guilt to overcome.

No contact is always the best approach, and with some, it has to be the only approach. However, this isn’t always possible, so the next best thing is grey rock.

The grey rock method is often used when you have children with a toxic or narcissistic person or one family member. If you were to go no contact, it would mean cutting other family members off who are not toxic. They just can not see through the narcissistic family member yet.

You need to take back control of your mind, your thoughts and your feelings, leaving what does not bring you peace be; these things will always enter our minds; we just have to find the ways that work for us to shift them. Creating coping strategies that work for yourself, telling yourself good positive things, looking for the things to be grateful for, and looking for those opportunities letting go of as much of the past as you can not easy to start after being mentally abused by a Narcissist. However, it’s possible, especially when we take it one step at a time when we rush things, we don’t always make it through the right way; as painful as it can be, facing the pain will at some point release the pain.

If you have children.

You can have that happy home for you and your children. With many narcissists, it has to be limited to no Contact. However, this isn’t always possible if the children do see the narcissist.

Ignore what happens when your children are with the ex; let the ex parent their own way. Just make sure you stick to your own boundaries and rules and parent with your technique at home. Positively talk to your children, so they gain a positive mindset too. Tell them they can achieve the things they want for them, for that growth mindset, validating their feelings, so they don’t feel as miss understood as a narcissist will have them to be.

You can not control how your ex talks to your children; you can control how you treat them and how you talk to them and how you explain things to them.

One happy parent will see the children happy.
Never respond to an ex if they’ve done something to or with the children that you don’t like; they will just do more of it—instead, concentrate and yourself and your children.

A narcissist is often after attention; how they get that attention, they don’t seem to care. While everything is going their way, all seems alright, although it’s never alright as we slowly lose who we are, as do children around them, and as soon as we break free from that trance, drama and chaos break loose, as we fight for our freedom, and they fight for control. A narcissist thrives on drama, and conflict, while we often dread seeing them and whatever game they are going to play next.

Grey rock.

The saying goes, you can’t get blood from a stone. A narcissist can not get reactions from you if you don’t respond

So you need to be a rock for yourself towards them so they get nothing from you that would provide the narcissist with what they want from you.

Don’t tell them.

The whole idea behind grey Rock is the Narcissistic person will get bored and lose interest in you, thus leaving you alone; if they know you’re doing it, they know they can manipulate you, and they’ll do their utmost to get you to break grey rock.

It is a learning curve, and it takes practice, so don’t worry if you sometimes wobble. Like learning to balance when learning to walk or ride a bike, you’re learning to balance your emotions around someone who knows all your weaknesses and all your strengths and will use each and everyone against you to get your reactions and do their utmost to get your emotions off balance every time they see you.

Give them nothing.

Keep any conversation to a minimum and to the point. If you don’t have to talk to them, don’t. Just say hello when they pick the children up, for the children to know how to be great people, nothing more. Have the children ready before you open the door so that it can be quick with little conversation. Avoid interacting with them as much as possible. But don’t make it a big deal, as this will just give them ammunition.

At a family gathering, try to avoid the narcissist and focus on those in the family you enjoy spending time with, especially before the event, so you’re looking forward to how well it can go when the narcissist pops into your mind. If you begin to feel anxious, remove those thoughts by learning to shift your focus on those you are looking forward to seeing, and start to imagine the event in a positive way in which you want it to go, so you’re not ruining your present thinking negativity of future events that haven’t even happened yet, your imagination is powerful, and you get to control it. Practice as our minds seem to enjoy focusing on the pain, believing it will prepare and protect us; however, at times, this can just cause us more pain by shifting our focus to things that bring us joy brings us happiness.

In the workplace, again, try to avoid them.

When you do have to talk to them, stick to the point, respond in a business-like manner, and need to know basis. If they start to ask more questions, give short, to-the-point, uninspiring answers that can’t possibly lead to further conversation. Things like “No.” and “Yes.” or “mm.” Even an “Ok.” Do not allow yourself to get drawn in.

A simple yes and no will do whenever possible, but sometimes, the question might mean you need to commit to an answer. If you’re not ready to commit, just respond with, maybe, perhaps, or we’ll see nothing more.

Detach.

Avoid eye contact if at all possible; look just over their shoulder or their ear. Don’t let them suck you in by using your emotions against you. You have to become emotionally unpredictable to those who know how to use your feelings against you. Eye contact can help them with their games as you have empathy and care for others, they are manipulative, and they can pull you in, so avoid eye contact.

They might try pulling you in at first by playing nice, asking how you are, or what you’ve been doing, they might feed you a sob story, so you feel sorry for them; when this doesn’t work, they might pull on your biggest weaknesses, any mistakes you’ve made, anything you don’t like people knowing about you, your insecurities. They might try chipping away at these to get that reaction from you. Try to focus on those good things within your life when they are doing this, things that make you happy, and let their words flow right over you and not into you. The observe don’t absorb, observe their manipulative games, see what they are trying to do, are they playing the victim? Using triangulation? Trying to make you feel insecure? Trying to intimidate you? Etc. Recognise it and understand that it has nothing to do with you; that’s all on them. Like poison, if we recognise it for what it is and leave it be, all will be ok. If we pick it up and drink it, it’ll slowly infect us, so observe their toxic behaviour, don’t absorb, either recognise and tell yourself the game they are playing (not them.) or think of something nice you’re going to do for yourself as soon as you’re away from their negative toxic vibes.

Do not chat about your personal life, even the smallest details. Remain quiet about your life without them, and any response you do have to make, make it as boring as you can if they as what you’re doing things like. The washing, the garden ( so long as they have no interest in these things and they find them boring.) etc., try not to respond at all; however, if you must, respond with something they find dull to talk about. Never tell them how well you are doing.

Do not ask them questions, even if it seems like harmless small talk.

Don’t allow them to take you off topic, recognise the games they are playing.

Try to stick to facts only, wherever possible, only short statements about children that they need to know, as this will make it hard for them to turn the statement into a conversation.

Avoid any mention of the past at all costs; if they mention it, just say, “That’s the past.”

If they try to blame you for anything in the past or now, just say ok. Even if it were not you, a simple ”ok.” would do; they are trying anything to get a conversation from you.

Watch when they try and twist things into an argument. Remember, you don’t have to take part in every argument you’re invited to; you don’t have to prove them wrong. You don’t have to prove yourself right to them; retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so if you feel like you need to say something at the moment. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or “That’s how you think, which is great. However, it’s not how I think.”

Remind yourself; that they are not looking for compromise; they don’t understand it, nor do they know how you or your children feel; the more you give them, the more they can use things against you.

Limit contact.

Wherever possible, keep contact to the absolute minimum, avoid being alone with them at all costs, try to keep as much communication as possible in writing, text, email, Messenger, etc. and keep in case you ever need it in the future.

“There’s usually more than one side to a story, and then there are those screenshots.”

Watch your response in those. They might very well provoke, do your best not to react. That’s all they want your reactions, to make themselves feel better. Retreat, rethink and only respond if needed to do so.

Keep your boundaries, keep your standards, stick with your no.

The Grey Rock Method is not always easy, but it is often effective.

You might want to scream and shout at them at times, and they will just come back for more. Stay quite. Tell yourself good positive thoughts, and move on with your own life and your own self-worth.

Boundaries.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Boundaries.

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The Narcissist And Financial Abuse.

The narcissist and financial abuse, why they use the money to abuse, some examples of how a narcissist abuses you through yours or their finances.

Why do narcissists abuse through finances?

Part of the narcissist personality disorder is to exploit others; whatever they do at any given moment is always to meet a need of their own. They lack empathy to care for those they use to get their needs met. They are all for power and dominance. They will use any Manipulative mind game possible to keep control over you. They often believe they are special and that they deserve special treatment and should get special attention. They like to get attention by any means possible, playing the hero, playing the victim. They are often Jealous of others and always wanting what others have, yet when they have it. It’s never enough. They are always looking for more. They are preoccupied with power and success. They will often use whatever means possible and whatever people possible to meet their needs. Not all will show these things as the disorder is on a spectrum, narcissistic or not, abuse is abuse, and you deserve to be treated so much better.

The narcissist is a con artist. They are dishonest from the start, Idealising us and feeding us the False dream of the future together, creating an Illusion of what life could be like together. They often start off with all the lies, not that we recognise these lies at the start, as we believe people are honest, so we trust their word. Often we may not even know how much or how little money the narcissist has, as part of their disorder is a preoccupation with power and success. Some are successful, yet they will still exaggerate all achievements. Some are not successful, and they will often blame those around them and still lie and exaggerate about what they do or do not have.

Narcissists are always looking for a replacement for love. One of their best replacements for love for them is money. They think they have money, even if they don’t have any, they believe they are entitled to have it without having to earn it, as part of their disorder is that entitlement, so they think they’re entitled to spend all the money theirs or not, they may gamble, they may use drugs, they may compulsively shop. As they will manipulatively exploit others to meet a need of their own, and their lack of empathy, they often feel no remorse when they exploit others and take others’ money as they believe they are entitled to it, their money or not.

The narcissist is the master of manipulation, from Gaslighting to Silent Treatment. When it comes to abuse, nothing is exempt, including your money and their money. They exploit anything and everything to gain and keep control.

Financial abuse is one of the most powerful ways to keep control over you and to keep you trapped in a toxic relationship. Mostly it happens in a romantic relationship. However, narcissistic parents, children and bosses can use financial abuse against you. 98% of abusive relationships have financial abuse, especially when children are involved.

The narcissist often impacts our finances in various ways.

First, they lie, and they will lie about anything, everything, and everyone to get their needs met, to con people into giving them what they demand to have, and then they threaten. Narcissistic people often meet their needs from others either through false love or fear. They can leave you without money to take care of your basic needs. They may say things like. “ I need petrol in my car to get to work, so I can not give you money for food this week.

They will put the family in debt, as they believe they are entitled to anything and everything.

You may have the tight ward narcissist that’ll not buy their children or even themselves clothes. These will often not see why they have to pay maintenance for their children. Some people are cheap or careful with their money. If they don’t take all yours while keeping all theirs, if they manage yours how they manage theirs, then it’s just who they are, if they take all yours and keep all theirs, a one-way street of they expect you to give, they’ll happily take and give nothing in return. Often we accept this as normal as we are giving out of love, not expecting anything in return. In contrast, they only give out of greed and always demanding in one manipulative way or another something in return. If they are pathological about anything, then it’s not ok.

Some narcissists can be generous to establish themselves of how important and wealthy they are. If they buy you gifts, they will expect something in return. These will sometimes pay maintenance for children after the breakup. Just so they can boast to others how good they are, or pity plays, you take all their money so they can claim they have none and use this to bleed the new supply dry. There are some great parents out there that separate and support the children because it’s their children, and generous people because it’s who they are, not because they want to boast.

Some narcissists’ will stop you from having access to money, so you’re dependent on them, making it seem harder for you to leave. If you’ve been isolated from friends and family and lacking in funds, the fear of leaving often keeps people trapped.

They’ll not want you to buy cars in your own name, they might buy you a car in their name to show others how amazing they are, or they’ll be wanting you to buy them a car, also in their name, or take loans out for them in your name.

They may take credit cards out in your name and max them out, some without your knowledge. The first you might hear is once you have split up and look for credit or receive that bill.

They may borrow money and then gaslight you when it comes to paying you back. “I never borrowed that.” “You gave it to me; how can you not remember.” And “After all, I do for you.” Which is often very little, but they want to guilt-trip us into walking on eggshells around them and not speak up for ourselves, to feel shame for daring to ask about an agreement already made. So we feel like we’re losing our minds and going crazy.

A narcissist often knows the truth, they just want the attention as you try to prove it, and they will do all they can to watch you go crazy as they deny it.

As they like to control others through money. They might take your name off bank accounts or try to get you to sign your house over to them.

They may not be in employment, so depending on your money, they might actually say. “I don’t see why I need to get a job.” I’ll take care of the home, and then they’ll do it to their basic standard of not doing anything and expect you to do it, not only draining your finances, draining your energy, so your physical and mental health suffers also, then when you’re exhausted, financially, emotionally and physically your often less able to put up a fight and more easily led by the narcissists manipulative gaslighting.

If you ask for money, they owe you. You’ll get silent treatments, gaslighting, “I never borrowed that.” “You must be mistaken.” Or guilt trips, “Don’t you remember when I.” Which you possibly don’t, as they most likely never did what they follow that sentence with.

Most narcissists want the best of everything, so they will happily spend their money and yours on themselves, getting themselves the best of everything, yet when it comes to you and your wants, they are not interested. Most people like new things, so if they’ve not got any other signs, they will not be narcissists. Although if you’re googling their behaviour, trying to work out what’s happening or happened to you, then there are some major red flags within that relationship, and narcissistic or not, if they are abusive, mentally, physically, or both, you need to find a safe way out.

Narcissists use manipulative threats over money, so if you let them know you are leaving. You may hear. “ You’ll not be able to afford to take care of the children, so I’ll have to take custody.” So we fear leaving and doubt our own abilities to take care of ourselves and our children.

If you call them out on threats, the covert will say a thing such as“ I didn’t say that.” “You miss understood me.” Or they’ll twist it onto something you did, intimidate you in some way, so they can train you to walk on Eggshells around them, never questioning them and constantly questioning yourself.

If they promise you a nice holiday for weeks, then don’t deliver because they’ve spent money elsewhere, you’ll get the “I didn’t promise that.” Or “You must be imagining things.” They might ask you to book and pay with the promise of giving you the money back, which you’ll never receive back if you agreed to 50/50 they’d find a way out of it, even if that’s just making you too scared to ask because of the arguments they caused the last time you dared to speak up for yourself.

Financial abuse chips away at you. You doubt yourself, your stability and your doubt your financial abilities to take care of yourself and your children.

So they gaslight you with money.

They will lie about how much money they make. They will spend too much on the best car they can to look like they have money. Don’t get me wrong. Some people just want a nice car. If they don’t have other traits just because someone wants a nice car, they are not narcissists.

They will sabotage. When you’re trying to regain control of your finance, they might create situations where you can not work. Or if you do work, they may want that money.

Give you no access to bank accounts

They might not allow you to do any sort of formal study, to further or start a career, as they don’t want to do well for yourself. A narcissist will never lift you up, only temporarily to meet a need of their own, then they’ll drag you back down.

You might be unwittingly forced to skip paying bills because they’ll either need the money for something, will have played you at the start to give up your job so they can take care of you, to the barely give you anything, or they’ll expect you to work, while the leech of you and spend all your money.

The narcissist steals from you. It’s never two-way. It’s never give and take if they give. They always expect something in return.

The narcissist doesn’t trust others because they are very manipulative. We often don’t see it while we live it, as we simply don’t think as they do.

What can you do?

If you’re still with the narcissist and looking to leave, or if you’ve left, they might still have control of the finances, or you might be left with debt. So you need to protect your accounts. Make sure you set new accounts up in your name only, so they can not get access.

Get all your documents, from birth certificates to passports, and any spare money you can get, and give to a friend or family member. If you’re isolated, set up a safe account, this can be tricky if they are stalking everything. Create a budget, no matter how hard.

Once safely out. Call any loan company’s or credit card to see if you can make a payment arrangement you can afford. Change passwords and PIN numbers. Don’t feel bad asking for help.

Look for odd jobs, things you can sell, there’s always a way to make money, and you can find it. Start that course. You might get financial help to do so, further your career, and take control back of your life. The best revenge is leaving them in the past, living your life for yourself and being successful in those things you always wanted to do but couldn’t through fear when you were with them, yet now you’re free to live your life for yourself.

Money is only money at the end of the day. If you earned it before, you’d earn it again. If you’re at risk trying to set up accounts etc., call your domestic abuse shelters and get to safety, if possible, taking your essential documents that you can get hold of. If not, don’t worry. It can be sorted later. Your safety comes. First, everything else can be sorted out afterwards.

Others have broken free from the narcissist and succeeded, and so can you.

Believe you deserve better because you do.

Remember, recovery is all about the baby steps, so celebrate each achievement no matter how small.

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

A relationship with a narcissist.

Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People, Rule 3 Don’t.

The best way forward after any kind of narcissistic relationship is no contact, which is not always easy and not always possible.

A narcissist isn’t going to learn how to treat us right. Only how to manipulate us by treating us right when they want something from us; therefore, when we can’t go no contact, we need to learn just how to handle ourselves best when around them. Limited contact is always best after no contact.

So rule 3 for dealing with narcissistic people is don’t.

Do not deal with them. At all costs, avoid them, avoid seeing them, avoid spending time with them, avoid communicating with them, avoid their games, avoid their traps, avoid eye contact especially in a court situations, avoid the narcissist, and act like they’re not in the room, they don’t exist, direct all answers to those who are asking if the narcissist is asking, direct answers to the judge and look at the judge.

Avoid dealing with narcissistic people at all costs to protect your psychological health.

Narcissistic people can be some of the most self-entitled people you could ever meet, that with their exploitative behaviour, willingness to manipulate situations in their favour, the narcissist seeking adoration and lacking empathy to care for others, you do need to be careful when no longer dealing with narcissistic people, they can take your lack of attention as criticism and seek to punish you.

When it’s one person in a friendship group you don’t often see, one family member that you might only see at another family member’s special occasion, it’s going to be easier to implement the don’t deal rule.

When it’s someone you live with, you need to be careful as those with high characteristic traits of seeking adoration, exploration, entitlement, and lack of empathy you need to be extremely cautious around. As sometimes, when you stop dealing with a narcissist, the narcissist will double down. They’ll escalate their games to get something from you.

Narcissists require attention from others to fill their own perceived inadequacy’s. As the narcissist is struggling internationally, which you can not help them with, they need to help themselves. However, they don’t want to. They seek to help themselves to other people’s stuff. Narcissistic people help lift themselves up by tearing others down. Therefore due to the narcissist’s own internal struggles, they require that attention, adoration, recognition and praise from outside sources of supply, and they learn what supply they can gain what attention from.

Narcissists aren’t interested in how you’re feeling. They’re interested in how they’re feeling, so if you have a special occasion coming up that the narcissist isn’t going to be the centre of attention of, feels envious of, they’re going to seek to extract negative emotions from within you. They’re going to seek to frustrate you by delaying you, anger you by taunting you, invalidate you by mocking you, hurt you by ignoring you, confuse you by humiliating you, and make you feel insecure to destroy your confidence.

When a narcissist isn’t happy, they’re going to go all out to make all those around them feel unhappy. Then once the narcissist has got you there, they’ll suddenly be ok again and ask. “Are you having a bad day?” “Wow, you’ve got a temper.” To further frustrate you, yet the more you feel worse, the happier the narcissist becomes as they’ve passed all their negative feelings over to you.

A narcissist will play the hero to gain admiration. They’ll be your saviour, to later down the line use those very things against you, “after all I’ve done for you?” A narcissist will play the victim to a reality they created to gain that compassion and sympathetic attention “if it wasn’t for them.” To pull on people’s compassion.

A narcissist will be controversial for controversies’ sake just to create an argument between people. They will blame, shame, ridicule, and judge others to feel better about their own insecurities. Their own inadequacy also to creat self-doubt within those around them, then a narcissist can scapegoat one person to take the fall for the narcissist’s behaviour, so the narcissist can get away with their behaviour or getting everyone to talk badly of one person, it creates a smugness within the narcissist. The narcissist feels superior when they get away with their behaviour.

A narcissist will exaggerate, they will exaggerate achievements to gain adoration, they will exaggerate traumas to gain compassion, and a narcissist will guilt trip others to get their needs met by others.

A narcissist will go all out go create drama, conflict, and absolute chaos and then they’ll stand back and watch the show.

A narcissist will bait, provoke, and goad people, a narcissist will do all they can to get people going, and once the other people have lost all control of their manipulated emotions, the narcissist will act all calm and smug.

They will lie, cheat and steal, then deny or knowledge or shift the blame over to you or those around you.

A narcissist will go around complaining about anything, everything and simply nothing at all just to find something to complain about. Food too hot, too cold, too hard, too soft, too early to late, whatever you do, it’ll not be enough, and it’ll not be right.

As one of the criteria of narcissism is seeking excessive admiration, the best way to deal with them is don’t. The more you give, the more they want, the more you don’t deal with them, and the more likely it is they’ll leave you alone. If they’ve got what they wanted in the past, they might double down with their manipulation. The longer you don’t fall for it, the sooner a narcissist will leave you alone.

Those who suffer with eczema, they might need, different diets, creams and oils, but if they leave the eczema well alone, it usually heals on its own, depending on the severity; however, eczema can be extremely irritable as soon as you give into the itch and start scratching, it gets progressively worse until you treat it the right way and leave well alone. Just like a graze, leave it, and it heals, give in to scratching the irritating scab. It can bleed, get worse and take longer to heal. Scratching at an itch gives temporary relief. However, it makes healing longer. Reacting to a narcissist gives temporary relief. However, it makes breaking free longer.

Looking at a narcissist as an irritant and as much as you want to react towards them, it might give you temporary relief, but it’ll give you long term grief.

It’s instinct, human nature to scratch eczema, scratch the scab, it’s difficult to stop ourselves at times we might do it without realising, it’s human nature to want to defend and react to narcissistic people who are irritating us, it’s tough to step away.

We have to learn to give a narcissist no reaction, no response. When a narcissist is coming at you with those verbal attacks, you need to take your attention elsewhere. You’ll often find with a narcissist when they don’t get a rise out of you. They’ll repeat that little dig they’re making towards you. When you don’t acknowledge them the first time, they’ll keep repeating the same thing. You might hear them speaking to someone else, “I don’t think they’ve heard me.” Or “have you seen how rude they are.” As the narcissist doesn’t see their words as an issue, they see your lack of response as the issue.

Do not let them know anything about you. The less is more approach, the less they know about you, the less they have to use against you.

Don’t try to outsmart the narc, don’t try to outshine a narcissistic person, know your truth yet act naively. Sometimes the best way to approach a narcissist is not to outsmart them. Outsmart them in your mind, know their games, know your reality, know your truth, let them think you don’t know, let them believe they are getting what they want, let them think they know more, let them think they’re getting their own way, it saves triggering a narcissists insecurities to the point where they’ll make you a victim of their insecurities. Sometimes around narcissistic people, you’re best playing dumb to get them to leave you alone.

Don’t take things personally. When they’re attacking your character, recognise it says nothing about your motives and capabilities and everything about their insecurities. When they’re playing the victim, don’t try to rescue them. The more we try to save them, the more they learn they can manipulate us the less they learn to be honest with themselves. When they are playing the victim to a reality, they created, step away. If you need to respond, it’s the narcissist’s words of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” as the more you help a narcissist, the more they’ll exploit your helpfulness, support the right people they’ll appreciate you, help the wrong people and they’ll exploit you. The right people wouldn’t ask too much from you and would respect you if you had other things you needed to do, a narcissist will sulk at you for not putting them first, and they’ll expect more from you. They’ll be offended if you’re too busy.

If they’re being controversial, don’t engage if you have to one-word answers. “Ok.” “I see your point.” just because you don’t agree doesn’t mean you can’t see. In your own mind, stand in your truth. However, you don’t need to defend your truth to a narcissistic person, as they’re usually being controversial to draw you into that non-productive argument with them, step away.

Don’t people please, don’t give in. However, when they’re coming at you with a controversial topic, just nod your head, and take your attention elsewhere, don’t agree or disagree, leave them to it. If you disagree with a narcissist, they take this as in-depth criticism, and they seek to punish you. Don’t let them draw you into non-productive arguments, so they learn that the topic is not going to get under your skin. When they don’t get under you, they might try to get one over on you again. Give them nothing until they learn it’s not going to work with you. Some might repeat because they need you to pay attention to it. The more you take your attention away from it, at some point, they will stop repeating because they’re not getting the reaction they want from you. Stay safe if you live with them, as some will escalate their behaviour

When they’re blaming, shaming, criticising, judging you or others, don’t give them any attention, don’t defend yourself, don’t explain yourself. As soon as you start explaining yourself to them, they’re going to use those explanations against you to hurt you all the more. The only person you need to explain and justify yourself to is yourself. Genuine people who are willing to communicate with you, yes, narcissistic people who are going to use your explanations against you, no. Once we’ve explained ourselves to someone once, and they’ve used it against us, that’s our lesson not to explain ourselves to them again. Disengage from the conversation, disengage from the situation. If it is a family event or with a group of friends, and you’re in a group conversation, and the narcissist is escalating, excuse yourself and go talk to someone else; it doesn’t matter what they think of you. It’s what you think of yourself.

Don’t take the bait, recognise the game, just like that scab on your skin, recognise it wants you to scratch it because it’s irritable. Still, you need to find something to take your mind away from the irritant, something to soothe the irritation, and the best way to soothe yourself around an irritating narcissist is by taking yourself out of the conversation, out of the situation, and leaving them to it, recognise the game they play, recognise what they’re trying to bait you into and step away, acknowledgement to yourself that you know what they are doing then finding something to do that creates happiness within you. Ignore their insults and recognise it says more about their character than it ever will yours.

The more you don’t respond to a narcissist, the sooner the narcissist learns they’re not going to get the attention they want from you, and unfortunately, they go to seek that attention elsewhere.

Once you can recognise who the narcissist is and what they are doing, leave them well alone. The more you engage in conversations and give emotional reactions to the narcissist, the weaker this makes you. The more you disengage from communication and disagreements with a narcissistic person, the more it weakens them because, the less knowledge they have about you. The less attention they get from you, the more you disengage, the weaker they become. Yes, some will escalate their games, so you need to stay safe; however, most at some point will realise they’re not getting what they want from you and, unfortunately, move on to someone new

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

The Devaluation Stage Of A Relationship With A Narcissist.

Once the narcissist has us hooked through the Idealisation Stage of the relationship, where they plan the Fake Future with us, that con artist that through the idealisation stage mirrors us to sell us our dreams, then comes the devaluation as they begin to devalue us and deliver us our worst nightmare.

A narcissist wants you to.

  • Doubt yourself by invalidating yourself.
    Blame yourself while they play the victim.
    To justify all your decisions through them.
    To sabotage you.
  • To fear them.
  • To play you off against others.
  • To isolate you.
  • To punish you.
  • To have no friends.
  • To see, you fail.
  • To control your finances.

How do they devalue us without us even knowing?

Gaslighting.

We are often being gaslighted from the very start as they don’t show themselves to be the very person they indeed are. Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse, a tactic the narcissist uses to get us to lose our version of reality. You might have heard phrases such as, “That didn’t happen.” “You’re imagining things.” “You’re crazy.” ”I’m only joking.” ”It wasn’t that bad.” ”You made me do it.”And many more from the narcissist.

These phrases disable our Self-Trust. Our ability to trust in others and it slowly distorts our reality, events that did or did not happen, and who we indeed are. With prolonged gaslighting abuse, we are often left with inner conflict. We can potentially end up gaslighting ourselves, as gaslighting causes cognitive dissonance, where we live in one reality yet being brainwashed into believing another within our minds.

Blame shifting.

As a Narcissist believes they are entitled to do as they like, to get their own needs met, and to them, it’s up to others to clean up after them. They often don’t see any faults in their own behaviour. When they do, they change the story to suit themselves, often forgetting facts and changing the truth to their lies which most narcissists actually believe. They will play the victim or the hero, depending on the situation and the people. Yet, they will never admit to being the villain, as to them, it’s always someone else’s fault. Those around them often believe what they say, as they say it with such truths, even when our instincts are trying to tell us otherwise, as we can not see evidence of their wrongdoings, we find it hard to lose the image of the nice person they sold to us in the idealisation stage and see the nasty person that stands in front of us, then with their gaslighting, we are the ones often left questioning. What did I do wrong? We did nothing wrong. You are a genuine, kind, caring person that wanted to help. They have a disorder. It’s who they are, and you can not help them. You can, however, help yourself.

Silent treatment.

The Narcissists Silent Treatment is another form of psychological manipulation the narcissist uses against others. It is another form of emotional abuse to fill their need for power and dominance, to keep power and control over us, to avoid taking responsibility for something they have done, avoiding being held accountable for their own actions. To maintain their dominance over us. It’s used to punish us for something we have or haven’t done to their liking. They believe we are beneath them, and they want to do it, so we question ourselves, doubt ourselves, chase them and conform to their demands.

The silent treatment can last for hours, days, weeks or months. Some people do this because they are genuinely hurt and unable to speak. When they do feel able, it’ll be a two-way conversation when they are ready. A narcissist uses the silent treatment to punish us. They want you to conform. There is no give and take. To the narcissist, it’s always our fault, and with all that self-doubt their manipulation causes, we believe it’s our doing when it is not. They are grown adults responsible for their own behaviour.

The silent treatment makes us feel powerless, invisible, confused, intimidated, guilty, angry, frustrated, hurt, lonely, depressed, anxious and insignificant.

Projection.

This is the narcissist’s self-defence mechanism not to take responsibility for their actions, to place their toxic, negative, hurtful and sometimes dangerous actions onto someone else, to avoid accountability and not accept responsibility. So they can exploit those around them and get away with it. They are unwilling and often unable to ever see themselves as the problem. Whatever they do wrong, to a narcissist, someone else always made them do it. They will not acknowledge their faults, flaws or wrongdoings. Instead of admitting or apologising or working on their inner selves, they’d prefer to pass it all over onto someone else. They will blame and shift everything onto other people. The only time they will Apologies is when they believe it will meet a need of their own, and is often done by blaming the other party. “If you’d have done this, I wouldn’t have done that.” Or ” because you didn’t let me, I had to do it.” They will change the subject to you to avoid any responsibility for their actions.

Triangulation.

The Narcissists’ Triangulation is another form of manipulation of those around them. This is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two other people. Then they will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this, and they will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.

They do this to gain control of others, divide and conquer people, drive a wedge between people, gain supporters and flying monkeys for the narcissist by playing people off against each other as they are often jealous of others’ friendships or relationships and will happily seek to destroy those who are happy.

Through triangulation, they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, and they gaslight people into questioning themselves and shattering people’s self-worth. When they triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening, and most of the time, neither party knows the truth.

Pressure. “Everyone else is doing it. My ex used to let me, my friend’s partner lets them.” “You’re brother/sister would.” Again making you feel guilty or inadequate to get you to break down your boundaries.

Intimidation.

The main reason a narcissist uses Intimidation is, so we fear them, so they can continue to dominate and keep control over us. Through that fear from their intimidation, we will often conform to their demands out of fear. They also use it to manipulate us and cause us more confusion within our own minds, with subtle threats that make us wonder if it’s a real threat, if they’re messing around, and if they will act on this threat or leave it be. They do this on purpose, so we are worried about the threat, but at the same time, we don’t want to make a fuss, or we also fear if we speak out or to other people, they might think we’re overreacting, as the narcissist will tell us and others, over and over “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overeating.” or things like “You are imagining things.” the more it’s repeated, the more our subconscious believes the narcissists lie, the more we believe it, the more our own thoughts match the manipulative, gaslighting, lies of the narcissist.

The types of intimidation they use.

1. Standing over us, looking down at us, or getting in our face, breaking things, punching things, raising their voice, all to get us to fear them.

2. Isolation, destroying our personal property or hiding passports, giving us no access to finances, or when driving in a car so there is no way out. Taking us to isolated places, cutting us off from friends and family, making sure we have no support, taking our phones off us. Or as the one I knew did, throwing it out of the window that first time I was to call for help, for them to make a whole joke about it afterwards because, of course, I was apparently far too sensitive.

3. Restraining us, blocking doorways, locking doors and hiding keys, taking our car, physically holding us back, often claiming “it’s in our best interest.” Anything to cause us to feel trapped with no escape, threats of “I’ll tell everyone you’ve done this.” Often using your biggest secrets against you, so we conform to the narcissist’s demands for fear of others knowing things we don’t want them to, for none of us are perfect. We are all imperfectly perfect. Trapping us is then causing us to feel trapped with no choice but to do as the narcissist says.

4. Aggression. There are many types of aggression they may use. Spitting, slapping, pulling hair, strangling, pushing past us, shoving, playfully sitting on us, yet you’ve requested them to stop as they are hurting us, so they do it all the more, saying, “You’re boring.” Or “It’s only a game.” Only it’s not a game to them, and it’s causing you pain, it is them trying to let you know they are strong, so you fear them. Things like making you feel guilty over saying no to sex and trying to guilt-trip you, or they may sulk to break down your boundaries and get you to change your mind.

5. As those close to the narcissist become used to the behaviour and gain a level of tolerance to the abuse, the narcissist can recognise that if we haven’t fawned to their demands (fawn meaning complying to what they ask of you, walking on eggshells around them to protect yourself from further harm.), some will escalate their intimidation to verbal threats of killing you or your loved ones, physical violence becoming more regular often with the “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” And “who would believe you? You’re crazy. ”

Not all narcissist turns to physical violence. Most stick with intimidation.

They take any and all of your resources.

Without care for us, as they are lacking In the Empathy to care, with pity plays, threats, blame-shifting, making us feel guilty, or sinking our mental health, so we become dependent on them. Most move into our homes, don’t pay the bills and eat our food. To them, it’s merely what’s yours is theirs, and what’s theirs is their own. They spend our money, try to take our home, and some will vandalise our property, again blaming us. Some will try to get us to sell up and move you miles away, leaving us completely isolated. A lot will walk out and leave us with nothing, feeling empty on the inside as well as the outside, slowly manipulating everything we once had away from us.

They are selling a dream to deliver a nightmare.

Our hopes and dreams. At the start of the idealisation, they pretend to love all that we do, false promises to fulfil all those dreams with our soul mate. Then during devaluation, they slowly take all our dreams, hobbies, passions and hopes away from us. Most of us are left with nothing, an empty shell of our former self, full of self-doubt, fear and anxiety to get up and go again, with no idea as to who we are.

Ruin emotional health, often our physical health also.

They take over our emotional health, like a virus slowly taking over and swooping in for the kill, the idealisation where they get all the positive attention and emotions from us, joy, happiness, we want to please and love them any way we can. Our praise to them and about them, to the devaluation where they’ll happily make us angry or cry, they’ll sit and watch us cry, or walk out on us, and then they’ll blame it all on us, leaving us hurt and confused. Even the discard is done each and every time with no closure leaving you hurt and confused, the hoover when they come to ’rescue’ you. Then when you finally wake up and see them for all that they are, they use any and all your weaknesses against you, cutting you wide open for more emotional torture. All this is extremely draining on our physical health also.

Take our trust.

  • Our trust, the extent of the manipulation and lies they do to us, we lose our self-trust and our trust in others. Questioning and over analysing everything and others’ motives towards you, including our own motives. In a hypervigilance state throughout the devaluation and after discarding all the games they throw our way.
  • They are viruses and infect our hearts, mind and soul. Not only are they a parasite in our home, but they’re also a leach draining us through manipulation slowly over time, from songs they play us to the words they say to us, so we no longer know who we are, from the idealisation and always being at our side in the start, to the sudden disappearing acts, leaving you wondering what we did wrong, planting seeds of self-doubt in your mind not only with their actions also their gaslighting words. From “you’re too sensitive.” And “That never happened.” Too ” You’ll never find someone like me.” And ” Who’d want you? You’re crazy.” during devaluation, our subconscious is slowly programmed over time to grow those seeds of self-doubt into our own thoughts as we are slowly losing our self-worth.

    The nonsense conversation of crazy-making.

    If you’d like a normal, calm, pleasant Conversation or discussion, even a debate, or to come to some form of compromise with a narcissist, if you don’t know what they are, our Boundaries will be broken. We’ll have no clue as to what actually just happened, although if we question the narcissist, they’ll tell us exactly how to think as they throw word salad our way and completely mess with our mind. They will gaslight, project, blame-shift, Intimidate us, talk over us, shout at us, they’ll do all they can to send us feeling confused, frustrated, or scared, to distract us from the truth or the real conversation, and make us feel guilty or to blame. In their minds, if you disagree with them, we are in the wrong.

    Changing the goalposts and always nitpicking at us. While there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism, a narcissist will only ever give destructive criticism, sometimes disguised as constructive. Narcissistic people are extremely jealous and envious of those around them; they do not want people to better themselves; they want us to fail. They will pull people down, nitpick and scapegoat others. Anything we do well at, they will find a way to take credit for. Or drag us down over it. They will also raise the goalposts. Every time we believe we’ve got it all worked out, and life’s right again, they will up the ante. They will make sure by the time they’ve finished with us that we’re an empty shell of our former selves, lacking in self-work, self-confidence, and self-respect. Instead of helping us with our insecurities and weaknesses, they will rip them all wide open and watch us bleed out. We will bend over backwards to help and please them, and they will continue their hideous manipulation to cause us pain.

    Invalidation.

    They will invalidate who we are. Name-calling, they do this to fill us with self-doubt and insecurities and alter our beliefs, opinions and reality. Things like ” are you going to wear that.” The Covert way or “you look fat/ far too thin in that.” The Overts way. Due to their real lack of self-worth and sense of entitlement, they will call us “idiot, stupid, insecure, sensitive.” Anything they can to break us down. They are envious of others and believe they are special. They don’t want to see others succeed or do well unless the narcissist can take credit for it. They want to pull people down.

    They are appealing to our emotions.

    Instead of using any form of logic, they will appeal to our fear, guilt, loyalty, and caring side. A narcissist is lacking in emotional empathy, so they can not feel how someone might feel, yet they often have a cognitive understanding of empathy, meaning that they can think empathetically and use our caring side against us. Whatever the situation requires them to do, it’s always to meet their own need at that time. They will also use over the top pity plays on you. Things like. “My ex cheated on me, and I know how it feels, so I’d never do that to you.” Or. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Then the. “After everything I’ve done for you, and you’ll not do this one thing for me.”

    False compromise.

    If they look like they’re going to meet us halfway, think again, so if we pay for a holiday when they say they’ll pay us half, they might not pay at all once paid, or they might offer 25% and justify with something they’ve done for us. Or something we haven’t done as to why they shouldn’t pay anymore.

    Walking on eggshells.

    Walking On Eggshells is the term most commonly used when a narcissist trains us to be careful of who we are when around them, for fear of reactions from them, fear of them getting angry with us, or fear of abandonment.

    We begin to shut down and hide our real selves, as when we are ourselves around a narcissist, they gaslight us with, “Are you going to wear that?” Or “You look bad in that.” Causing us to doubt ourselves. The same with our true feelings. We begin to hide them through those fear, as often, when we try to express our feelings to a narcissist, they will come back with,” You’re too sensitive.” We give up on our opinions for fear of causing an argument or them giving us the silent treatment. We slowly lose who we are to please the narcissist. Mental abuse is often a subtle form of abuse by the narcissist cohesive controlling us, and it’s gradually training us on how we should behave.

    Walking on eggshells is what people end up doing around negative, toxic or abusive people. Most often, unconsciously, we end up doing this over time in order to protect ourselves from further abuse. Usually, when we still can not work out the situation we are in, we are being abused, and we are slowly losing our own values, beliefs and boundaries. –

    Most of the time, we don’t even realise we are being abused. Most abusers will create an environment of insecurity, instability, confusion and fear, so they gain full power and control over us, all while telling you they love you. –

    You can, and you will recover from this.

    • Safely get away from the narcissist, removing the source of the pain and confusion from your life—no contact or grey rock.
    • Set up your boundaries, block them and any flying monkeys. Learn a million ways to say no and stick to your no.
    • Learn about narcissist personality disorder, put your reality back together, and forgive yourself for things you didn’t know. Any reactions you gave, learn to tune into your instincts that your mind and heart choose to ignore.
    • Start filling your human needs for love and connection. Certainly, significance. Growth, uncertainty contribution. By learning new things, making new friends, connecting with those who understand you, this will help overcome the trauma bond. Fixing any trauma you had as a child, working on you.
    • Finding your focus and creating new dreams for yourself. Starting new hobbies or taking up old ones.
    • Practice observing and not absorbing their toxins and those around you. Listen to people’s actions, not only their words.
      Be patient and kind to yourself. Most of us slip up on the road to recovery. Keep taking those baby steps until you make it.
      Smile at all others. Don’t fear reactions. You never know who’s a day you might brighten. A simple smile can infect the world.
    • Develop your mindset, teach your brain, consciously throw out those negative thoughts and find the positive each and every day, learn to know things and give yourself new knowledge and wisdom, new skills. When it gets hard to keep going, think creative, think constructive, think big, dream big, and then take those small steps to learn and go for it. Work on your mindset, work on your knowledge, and use your brain the right way to benefit you.
    • Pay others compliments. How do you feel when you receive a compliment? Give compliments out to those you know and those you don’t. Lift other’s spirits with a simple compliment. When others compliment you, you automatically like them more. It feels good receiving praise, and it also feels good giving them. Giving out genuine compliments helps you develop your own people skills, leading to more confidence within yourself. Only sincere compliments, and if it’s easier to start, do it within your mind until you read to compliment someone verbally.
    • Your sense of humour, whatever that is to you. Laughter truly helps lift your mood.

    Getting the narcissist out of your head.

    Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

    On Facebook. 

    On YouTube.

    On Twitter.

    On Instagram. 

    On Pinterest. 

    On LinkedIn.

    The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

    For the full course.

    Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

    For the free course.

    Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

    To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

    Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

    All about the narcissist Online course.

    Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

    The narcissists counter-parenting.

    Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

    Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

    Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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    Gaslighting.

    Eggshells.

    Cognitive Dissonance.

    Silent treatment.

    Social media mind games.

    Overcoming loneliness.