Losing The Victim Mindset.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

It is effortless to become locked in the victim mentally after being mentally, physically abused or both by a narcissist. No one could blame you, after everything they have put you through. Unfortunately, that victim mindset only serves to keep us locked in the past, and helps our depression spiral further out of control. When you’ve been gaslighted by a narcissist, left with guilt, anger, resentment, self-doubt and self-blame, once you start to wake up, most often we can go through all the was it me? Was it them? It’s them they are an abusive narcissist. No, could I be the narcissist? No, they are the narcissist. Then they seemed to move on without care while you’ve lost so much, and work through all the devastation they leave in their wake.

A narcissist is extremely calculated on playing the victim when needed, they thrive off the attention they get from those around them, they will abuse victims, then they will downplay, or deny their behaviour, provoke the real victim to get reactions, often in public or filming them and exaggerate all the reactions while gaslighting and blame-shifting onto the victim. ”If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t. ” That with the fact your emotions were running on a high and you lived under constant fear and stress, you can be left feeling like you are indeed the narcissist. If you have empathy for others, you do not have the disorder, just like negativity breeds negativity, when around narcissistic people, it’s incredibly easy to become drawn into their toxic world. This can lead some people into unwittingly becoming an abuser to their abuser, turning to the survival coping mechanism of fight, as some victims can become locked in power struggles with certain types of narcissists, getting drawn into the games. With the trauma Bonding, and becoming unwittingly addicted to the drama of the toxic relationship, your behaviour can become increasingly narcissistic, even though you’re not a narcissist. Then the victim who fawns, meaning they conform to their abusers demands for fear of what the abuser will do if they were to step out of line, making excuses for the narcissist’s behaviour, thinking ” It wasn’t that bad.” Often with the narcissist telling them “It wasn’t that bad.” Or believing they deserved it, again with the narcissists gaslighting of “If you hadn’t.” Still leaving the true victim feeling like they are to blame.

You are not to blame, yes we all need to own up to any actions we did, but we also have to recognise, when you’ve been force-fed lies through many manipulative tactics. Had your beliefs, values, boundaries and much more taken down, left believing you’re not good enough, accepting behaviour you should never have accepted, through fear, Intimidation and many more. You have to accept responsibility for your own behaviour, not at the start, as at the start you’re most likely blaming yourself for everything, at the start you need to pass responsibility back to the abuser, the rightful owner for the things they did to you. Then work on you.

Lose the self-blame, as it’s not all your fault like the narcissist had told you, yes you may have reacted at times that’s human nature, you have to accept, the part you played, you must also pass responsibility back to the rightful owner for the role they played, accept you didn’t get out sooner, be Thankful that you are out now and that you can now move forward with your life.

You also must lose the victim mindset, yes you’ve been through a hideous experience, I know that and I understand how horrible it feels once you first get out, it is just the start of your journey, it gets easier, and it gets better. You need to grieve, the loss of the hopes and dreams you had, accept you can not and will never be able to help them, you can only ever help someone who is willing to help themselves, and if by helping them, they continue to cause you pain, that is on them and not you. People can only learn from their own mistakes, and people can only change themselves. Understand the reality of what actually happened and who they really are, but to move forward you need to shift out of that victim mindset, as it’ll only hold you back, what helped me do this is focus on the fact, the narcissist will always play the victim role to all others, part of the reason they can not find true inner happiness.

You can find your happiness again, and to do so you need to move forward from the victim mindset, we are human we make mistakes, we fail to realise what’s truly happening to us, the most intelligent people get sucked in by these people, and unfortunately, you are far from alone in this.

The past and the victim mindset only serves to keep us trapped in the past and our emotions locked on past pain, so the past even when no longer around our abuser stays with us in our present.

You have empathy, you care for others on a deep level, you want to help, support, learn and grow, you can see things from others points of view, and that’s an incredible talent to have, and nothing is wrong with this at all, yet you must learn that although you have the ability to do this for others, you need to do this for yourself first, all the effort you put in to help them, you now need to put that effort into helping you.

You have to take yourself to the next level, which means finding the lessons learned from the experience, so you don’t repeat in your future, some of us had narcissistic parents and never understood, meaning you went from one narcissistic relationship to another, accepting those behaviours we should have never accepted, now you have the new-found knowledge and wisdom of those lessons learned, you can move your life forward into a new happier direction.

Developing your knowledge and understanding of what you went through, to allow yourself more awareness.

Going no contact or grey rock doesn’t mean you want to hurt them, it means you need to save yourself, and you can start healing, it takes time and work from within yourself, but you can do it, others have before you, and you can show others they can too. Once you forgive yourself and lose that victim mindset, you can begin your journey to rebuilding your, self-esteem, self-trust, self-love, learn and create new boundaries for yourself so you never get into that situation again, learning to trust yourself and tune into your intuition, then you can learn to trust those around you, as you’ll have a better understanding, of those who love and care for you and want the best for you, those who respects who you are for who you are, and don’t want to knock you down and walk all over your boundaries to destroy you, any way they can.

You’ll find it second nature to remove toxic people from your life and surround yourself with positive people, where you pick each other up, respect and care for each other.

Creating yourself a whole new belief system, by taking your responsibility for your actions ( no one deserves to be treated how a narcissist treats others.) but you have to claim back your responsibility, and not all the responsibility as most narcissists leave you feeling like you are solely to blame you were not. Creating for you a new belief system on what you want from life now, a new blueprint of where you’d like your life to go ask yourself. What direction do I want to take now?

If you put no postcode into a sat nav, it’s not going to know where to direct you, if you keep putting the same postcode in it’s going to keep taking you back to the same place, if that place brings you pain, you need to change the postcode. So work on creating where you’d like to be six months, two years from now, then see why you want it, and focus on that outcome, you will find a way, you will find the resources so long as you stick to it, it’s ok to take a detour now and again, just keep that new dream in mind, whatever that is for you.

You are no longer a victim, and you just didn’t have the knowledge to understand the situation and what was happening to you, until you made it out the other side as a survivor. While you stay in victim mindset all the things the narcissist throws your way will only keep you down, once you take back control of your mindset, understanding what they are now trying to do, you’ll have a better coping mechanism within yourself to deal with it all the right way and move forward with your life for you.

Creating yourself a different thought process, perspective, helps you move forward to a happier life, as your old thought process and perspectives are what put you where you were.

Now it’s time to listen to people’s actions and not just their words, not make endless excuses for those who hurt others. Help and be kind to those who are kind and are willing to help others.

Only you can take back your power and your control, of your own mindset and the direction you want to take your own life now.

You can achieve and accomplish anything you put your mind to, once you’re strong enough to take action to make it happen, you can make you strong enough, if another human can do something it’s possible and you can, and you will do it too.

Keep going you’ve got this.

Detaching your thoughts.

Healing insecurities.

Join me on social media.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

How narcissists invalidate you.

Overcoming insecurities.

Raised By A Narcissistic Parent.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Most often, once people come away from one form of a toxic relationship and discover all about the narcissistic personality disorder, they realise they’ve been around a few within their lives, and one of these could well have been one or both of your parents.

Whoever the narcissist is within your life, that narcissist to you, is to another their friend, boss, child, parent, partner etc.

Narcissists are incredibly damaging to those around them, often leaving the narcissists targets with mental health problems, emotional problems, physical challenges, financial difficulties and many more.

As the narcissist over time, places, self-doubt, low self-esteem, depression, fear, anxieties, illnesses, CPTSD, OCD, and many other issues within their target.

Through the gaslighting, which is an insidious form of mental abuse, causing the victim to doubt their own sanity. To blame-shifting, where the narcissist will downplay or outright deny any of their behaviours and exaggerate all yours. That with their ability to invalidate and intimidate those around them, leaving people questioning everything about their own behaviour, blaming themselves, and making endless excuses for the narcissist behaviour.

People are getting so many health issues, most often due to the stress and other implications of a narcissistic relationship, once people are away from the narcissist, gain knowledge of what happened to them, work on overcoming the past, their lives and health start to improve massively, and their stress levels lower.

This often takes time, especially if you had a narcissist parent.

Although statistics claim there is a much higher percentage of narcissistic fathers than mothers, as mothers are often primary caregivers, they usually have more impact on children, which is often why narcissistic mothers are spoken about more.

The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and they do need to have at least five traits to have the disorder, these are.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.

2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.

3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.

4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.

5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.

6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.

7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.

8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.

9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.

Red flags of a narcissistic parent.

Did you think your parents were, not there for you, challenging, strict, selfish, mean, hurtful, unfeeling towards you, disrespectful, didn’t understand you neglected your needs? Narcissistic or not these behaviours can be extremely damaging to young children, and cause those mental and physical health problems in children and then if not healed, we can carry those wounds into adulthood.

Signs of a narcissistic parent.

  • Control. Pushing all their dreams into you. “If only you would.”
  • Invalidation. Never feeling like you could measure up to their demands.
  • Triangulation. “Your mum/dad doesn’t love you as I do.” “It’s your mum/dad/brother/sisters fault.”
  • Guilt trip. ”All I do for you, and your so ungrateful.”
  • Shaming. ”You’re an embarrassment to this family.”
  • Triangulation. ” Why can you not be more like your sibling.”
  • Pressure. ”Do your best to make ME proud.”
  • Blame-shifting. ”If only you’d.”
  • Invalidation. “You can not.”
  • Threats to instil fear. “If you don’t, I will.” followed with some threat of punishment.
    Flattering others for attention. Always parading you in public and in the home, (The golden child.) or shaming you in public, also in the house. ( The scapegoat child.)
    Was the image outside the family home always perfect, yet inside was completely different?
  • When friends or family came over, your narcissistic parent would either be the life and soul of the home putting on a grand show, not like their usual behaviour, gaining all attention, and your friends thought you had the most fantastic parent ever?
  • Nobody was allowed to your home, you visited other family and not very often, or if people came over, your parent would sit staring at the T.V, be extremely rude, and not talk to people, so people scarcely came to visit?
  • Was either every single aspect of your childhood controlled by your parent? Or were you wholly ignored like you didn’t even exist? Or they might have tried and lived through you, by pushing their hobbies onto you and not allowing you to learn your own goals.
  • Were special occasions ruined?
  • Did you never or rarely receive hugs?
  • Did they deny your love and affection unless you achieved something they wanted, then you might have received hugs?
  • Where they never wrong?
  • Were you never allowed to speak against them?
  • Would they twist everything to blame you?
  • Did they never apologise?
  • Did they never seem to take your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board?
  • Did they always criticise you and put you down?
  • Were you gaslighted and controlled by your parent?
  • Were you insulted by your parent?
  • Told you were ”Selfish.” If you didn’t do as they pleased, or wanted to do something for yourself?
  • Always spoke of their problems with you, but never listened to yours?
  • If you said anything to them about them, they didn’t like, and your parent would punish you with the silent treatment, smack you, send you to your room or scream at you?
  • Were you always ignored, the forgotten child?
  • The golden child that always had to perform for your parent or the scapegoat always being blamed?
  • Felt like could never share your thoughts or feelings, as they would be used against you?
  • Did your parents always exaggerate, lie, manipulate and try to control you?
  • Did they always take the credit for your achievements?
  • Did you feel like your parent was always competing with you?
  • Did your parent just regularly come into your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy?
  • Did the hurt you to rescue you?
  • Did your parent deliberately break things you owned?
  • Did your parent sabotage you?
  • Did they always guilt trip you?
  • Did you feel like you had to parent your own parent, take care of them, comfort them, not just because they were under the weather but most of the time?
  • Did the stories they told others not to match the reality you lived?
  • Did they always seem envious of neighbours and other family members? ”They’ve only got that because of an inheritance.”
  • Did they always play the victim about their own childhood?
  • Always pitted off against your siblings, either. ”look how good your sibling is, why can you not do that.” or ” I don’t know what’s wrong with your sibling, I’ll treat you to this, as you know how to behave.
  • After they put you down or ignored you, would they take you out and spoil you.?

What effects do narcissist parents have on their children? The scapegoat and the golden child.

Children adapt to fit the narcissist’s needs. The child adapts to the narcissist to get love. The child will either try to fill the role of whatever the narcissist wants from the child, at any given moment to get CONDITIONAL love the golden child or a child will go against the narcissist, the scapegoat child. The narcissist classes the scapegoat child as a ‘bad child’ within the family.

If the narcissist has more than one child, they will assign them roles. The scapegoat child and the golden child.

There are no rules, and some narcissists will give them clear roles, sometimes they can cross over to which gets the position on a day to day basis depending on which one pleases the narcissist at that moment. If a child speaks up against the parent, they’ll idolise the other child and make the one that spoke up the scapegoat.

They do like to triangulate the children against each other without the children knowing, gaining attention from the children.

They drive a wedge between anyone and everyone, including their own children. The children will not know they’ve been played off against each other, and they’ll know there is conflict but will be confused as to why. As the narcissist usually never directly does things, it’s all calculated and manipulation. The narcissist just wants everyone around them against each other and all for them. Its a case of Abuse by proxy.

They will get the golden child to gang up with them against the scapegoat.

The narcissist will get the golden child to help with the abuse towards the scapegoat child.

The narcissist will try and get the scapegoat and golden child to dislike each other. They will do all they can to drive a wedge.

The golden child will be pushed to perform and achieve, and when they don’t achieve to the narcissist standards, there will be ridicule, criticism and punishment. They use these same tactics also to push them to do what they want them to do. The children lose their sense of self as they’re too busy trying to be what the parent wants them to be. The golden child gets treated so well when they achieve that they don’t always grow to see what’s happening. The golden child aims to please as they don’t want the harsh words, silent treatment or punishment. They end up with no self-worth.

The golden child is often left with feelings of guilt.

The narcissist usually classes the scapegoat as the rebel child that will not conform to the narcissist’s manipulation. They will get constant criticism over anything and everything, although they typically grow to achieve a better sense of self. Self-esteem, self-awareness and clarity. They will often call the narcissist out on what they’ve said or done/ not done. The scapegoat usually works it out first because they don’t get many of the love bombings.

When the children have constant scrutiny, lack of privacy, been continuously played off against each other, been continually provoked, the narcissist was causing arguments that the children don’t even know what it was about and the children end up feeling confused. They unknowingly play into the narcissist’s hand as they can deflect onto the sibling because they’re hoping they’re not going to get all the harsh actions of the narcissist themselves. That’s the whole game the narcissist is playing they just want everyone to please them.

It’s no better or worse if the child is the scapegoat or the golden child, they can both feel anxious. They both develop self-doubt from constant criticism. They are getting phycological abused, and they don’t know what mood the parent will be in the moment to moment. Both children can be going along having a great day, then all of a sudden, their parents go on one for what seems to be no reason giving the children emotional and physiological pain.

Whatever the children do is never enough for the narcissist.

Both the scapegoat and golden child receive manipulation, and both can experience attachment trauma.

The narcissist will not care for the golden child, yet they will treat the child better than the scapegoat, the child that makes the narcissist look good by conforming to the narcissist’s demands. That child who often obeys also feels responsible for making their parents happy. They will learn tricks of the parent to keep their parent looking happy, and they will never take the spotlight away from the parent. A child of a narcissist can be used as the Golden Child, the scapegoat child or the forgotten child, depending on the needs of the narcissist at any given time, a narcissist can also cycle around all three with one child.

Narcissist parents traits can cause attachment trauma within the child.

Narcissistic parents traits leave trauma within the child.

The grandiose parents can leave you feeling that you just cannot do anything right, this starts as a young child, and then we often carry it into adulthood.

The entitlement of the parent can leave you to feel unimportant. Then in adulthood often put your needs at the bottom of the list.

The Vanity in the parent can leave you feeling like you are just a trophy, this can be carried into adulthood, always feeling like you have to be perfect at something to be liked by others.

The Selfishness in the parent can leave you feeling that your needs are always ignored, often then in adulthood playing down your needs, and taking care of all others, so they don’t feel how you do.

No empathy in the parent can leave you always feeling misunderstood, then in adulthood not wanting to speak of your feelings with others, as they often were dismissed or invalidated as a child.

The Competition, the parent, create can leave you always feeling that you were never enough, then in adulthood either doing very little as you don’t feel enough or overextending yourself to feel good enough.

The manipulation from the parent can leave you walking on eggshells.

Being raised by a narcissist can lead you to struggle with setting healthy boundaries.

People pleasing.

Neglect your own wants and needs becoming fearful of speaking up for yourself.

Being unable to trust in others fully.

Struggling with addictions.

Some people raised by narcissists do become narcissists themselves.

What can you do?

Level up, if you still see your narcissist parent, get mentally prepared beforehand, know what they do, understand who they are, learn and know the patterns behind their behaviour, focus on the outcome you want, don’t play into their games, watch what they do, don’t engage with, if they are being nice, compliment them, if they are being hurtful don’t react, instead, see what they are trying to do to your emotions and don’t let them. The whole give them positive attention when they are nice, provide them with nothing when they invalidate you.

If you can, no contact.

Healing you.

  • You are educating yourself not only about the disorder but also the effects it has on you, working through recovery on each one.
  • Grieve the pain of the past.
  • Work through the trauma and triggers, having a safe place or person to do so.
  • Seek therapy, with someone who understands, and someone you feel comfortable with.
    Start setting healthy boundaries.

Develop your mindset.

Teach your brain, consciously throw out those negative thoughts and find the positive each and every day, learn know things and give yourself new knowledge and wisdom, new skills, when it gets hard to keep going, think creative, think constructive, think big, dream big, then take those small steps to learn and go for it. Work on your mindset work on your knowledge, use your brain the right way to benefit you.

The key factor to your happiness is you.

If your mind has been programmed over time to think or feel certain ways, about life, about others and about yourself, it’s your subconscious talking to you, and it’s been trained to speak to you negatively, filling your life full of disappointment and negativity, it’s time to learn to change how you think.

The great things about your mindset are you can change it to think precisely what you want to believe, and it’s a skill set of your very own.

At the start, it feels strange and extremely uncomfortable, as you are basically fighting with yourself, your own beliefs and your own thoughts, but you’ve probably been arguing against your instincts for years.

Once you take action to stop those thoughts, consciously and change them for positive ones, it gets easier and easier, until you one day just realise you’re no longer fighting those negative thoughts, you’ve just got a positive mindset.

“I’m not good enough.” Needs to be “I am good enough.”

“I’ll never be happy.” Needs to be. “ I’m going to find my happiness and live it.”

So when that negative talk appears within your mind, stitch it and work on it.

”Why is this happening to me.” needs to become. ” what is this teaching me? Can I do something about it? Yes? ” then do it. ”No.” then leave it.

”I’m not enough.” needs to stop there, before your mind escalates and you bring yourself down, and it needs to become. ”I’m working on knowing I’m enough, why am I doing this? To find my happiness, what will make me happy? What do I want in my future? I’ve achieved a goal I had before; When accomplishing this one. How will that achievement make me feel? What steps can I take?

You are finding the reasons why? You can do something that makes you far happier than looking for excuses for not doing.

Then when you’ve been following your instincts, even though at times you didn’t know what they were saying to you, life becomes so much more peaceful.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Video for more information on the scapegoat child.

Moving Past Narcissistic Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

When you’ve suffered from the hands of a narcissist mentally or physically, it can feel like the whole world is against you, crippling anxiety, continually fighting that civil war that’s going off in your own mind, knowing there has to be more than this, but not knowing what or how to achieve more. Every-time you think you’ve worked it out the relationship is going well, the narcissist is allowing you to come up for air, just to sink you further under, leaving you with more self-doubt more stress, trying to figure it all out, while the narcissist keeps changing the game on you, one minute they can treat you better than anyone ever has, and you feel safe and loved, the next they treat you worse, and you feel scared and full of fear. Fear of the narcissist, fear of doing the right or wrong thing, fear of judgment from others, fear of what will happen if you stay and fear of what will happen if you do leave.

Then one day something hits, and it hits hard, either they leave you for the first time or the 20th time, or you finally leave them for the last time, yet they still will not leave you alone, worse when you’re trying to get help for you and your children, they still come at you with their twisted games.

When you’re trying to reach out to others, you fear their reactions, trying to get help and you see the looks on their faces as they just don’t understand and you’re left with more self-doubt.

You can not get out of bed, or you’re dragging yourself out of bed, you’re clinging on to life and finding the simple things like showering or brushing your teeth extremely draining, left with anxiety, adrenaline fatigue and health problems.

When it feels like the whole world is against you, not sure, who to turn to, feeling like you’ve lost your mind, in financial difficulty and possibly losing your home, while the narcissists are still using all your weaknesses against you.

The harder life gets, the more power you have to find, the tougher life gets the more strength you find, when you have to get out of bed kicking and screaming you get up and do it anyway.

You have the power to overcome narcissistic abuse, and you have the determination to overcome narcissist abuse, you have the strength to overcome narcissist abuse, you have the fight in you, keep fighting the fight.

You might be addicted to the narcissist through trauma bond, you might have CPTSD. Depression, anxiety, you will also be addicted through your subconscious human needs.

Take those steps to recover from anxiety, take those baby steps to heal, grieve and heal, Take those each and every moment of each and every day.

Another way to heal through your human needs.

Tony Robbins discovered the six human need. He states. Once you meet three, you become addicted, and you can meet them, negatively, neutrally or positivity. So now is the time to meet them in a positive way and help you break free from the narcissists Abuse and stop attracting narcissistic people, or even if you attract a couple, you’ll walk away straight away.

The need for Certainty to feel safe and secure, ways to refill it positive.

    Set your self small tasks at first and make sure you complete each one.
  • Start new routines, either a 10 minute one in the morning or evening, then slowly add more each day.
  • Eating healthy, start small, baby steps, exercise, meditation or yoga.
  • Set small achievable goals to start it’ll give you the self-belief, confidence and drive to keep going.
  • Start an online course, college or uni, read books that fill you with knowledge.
  • Have a backup plan for different outcomes.
  • Set a time for yourself, if that’s getting up earlier or however you can give yourself some time to relax each day.
  • Join support groups, reconnect with friends and family.

The need for Uncertainty, feel different, challenged, change, surprises. You might be filling the need heavily a little too heavy at the start, how to fill it positively.

  • Read new books, learn something different.
  • Step out of your comfort zone, start smiling at others, walk a little further, order something difficult, try a new meal, try a new restaurant.
  • Take a risk on something that could turn out positive.
  • Travel somewhere new.

The need for love and connection. The need to feel togetherness, compassion and warmth.

  • Becoming none judgmental of yourself.
  • Learning to be who you are and love who you are.
  • Learning to trust and tune into your instincts.
  • Being kind and helpful to others.
  • Not judging others.
  • Reading with your children.
  • Support groups who are positive and understanding.
  • Being supportive of others and none judgmental of others.
  • Helping others out.
  • Letting that car pull out in front.
  • Opening or holding a door for a stranger or someone you know.
  • Doing something kind for someone else that no one knows about.

The need for significance. To feel important, needed, special, unique.

  • Finding your personal meaning of life.
  • Providing for others the best you can.
  • Helping others out, giving back.
  • Making contributions to others.
  • Giving to charity.
  • Support others.
  • Helping out at school or with charity.
  • Become a better version of yourself.
  • The way you dress.
  • Tattoos.
  • Piercings.

The need for contribution. Giving, leaving a mark, helping, serving, contributing to others.

  • Contributing beyond yourself.
  • Serving others at work.
  • Helping others online offering support.
  • Donate.
  • Volunteer.
  • Doing good deeds for others.
  • Brightening someone’s day with a smile or a joke.
  • Looking after your children.

The need for Growth. Developing, strengthening, learning.

  • Reading books.
  • Listening to motivational videos.
  • Learning about narcissism and how to handle them.
  • Having a career change.
  • Starting a new job.
  • Becoming a better person.
  • Working out.
  • Learning new things.

There are plenty of positive ways to fulfil your human needs in positivity ways, those are some ideas to get you started, and some things like learning new things or exercise can meet three of these to get you positivity addicted. Remember you are worthy, you do deserve more, you are beautiful, caring and kind.

Most people who recover from narcissistic abuse learn all about narcissism, not only will it fill a lot of your human needs, it also helps you understand what you went through and how to handle them, why they do what they do.

Keep going, you’ve got this.

How To Beat A Narcissist. Don’t Absorb, Do Observe.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Another way to emotionally disconnect from the narcissist’s manipulation.

Observe don’t absorb, created by Ross Rosenburg.

”Never react to a narcissist, you’ll feel bad, and the narcissist enjoys it.”

The best way to beat a narcissist, is to no longer play their games, no longer playing their games is no reactions, sounds simple, yet as most of us who’ve had dealings with these kinds of people, understand it’s not always that straight forward.

A narcissist is highly skilled at taking your thoughts away from you, and planting those seeds of self-doubt in your mind, then using your emotions against you to let those self-doubt thoughts grow within your own subconscious, to the point where you’re no longer being controlled by you rational thinking, your emotional thinking is leading you, and a narcissist knows exactly how to pull your emotions out negatively, from you feeling guilty for not helping them, or reacting to feeling frustrated that they will just not listen to reason, from feeling anxiety when around them, to feeling hopelessly depressed, from feeling fearful of what they might do next to feeling overwhelmed within life itself.

Don’t absorb, instead observe technique.

The simple advice to overcome this is to learn how to detach your emotional responses and start thinking for yourself again. Watch the narcissist and all their games. Listen to the narcissist and do not react.

Imagine you’re watching them on tv. Watch their body language and facial expression. Ask yourself “How is the narcissist trying to get me to react?” Or ” How are they trying to use my thoughts and feelings against me.” Then do not react, by not reacting, you’ll leave them powerless. You can then watch and observe them go into all the other manipulation forms they use. Again observe them.

When you can practice observing and not absorbing, observe what they do. Watch how manipulative they indeed are, how incapable the narcissist is to continue with manipulation when you don’t react when you no longer play.

With a narcissist, with how they manipulate they gain control, by pulling you deeper and deeper into their games.

If you drink something toxic, you get physically sick. If you absorb a toxic person’s words over time, you get mentally ill.

If you look at something toxic, you stay well, if you listen to your own mind, you get clarity.

If you’ve left the narcissist, you know what they are, yet if there is not major safeguarding issues in place to completely stop contact, or you may still have to deal with them, either you have children with them, or if they are a family member or a work colleague, you can not altogether remove, from your life.

You need to observe what happens and distance yourself from the situation, and you need to consciously, take your emotions away situation. Purposefully, distancing yourself from emotional attachment so that you can keep control of your emotions, your thoughts and not get drawn into the situation. If you observe you don’t let them affect your emotions, you’re not connecting emotionally, so you’ll not get pulled into what they are trying to achieve.

They want to set off your emotions when your emotions get attached to the situation they get you to react, they win. The narcissist is extremely manipulative and will then twist everything because your feelings are involved; you are then not in your correct headspace to defend yourself or set appropriate boundaries for yourself and your happiness.

To get drawn into it is like accepting the narcissist’s poison into your mind.

When you know what they use, and you start to learn the capabilities of your own mind, you watch, know and understand.

1. They are giving me the silent treatment because I wouldn’t break down the boundaries to who I authentically am.

2. They are trying to provoke reactions out of me so that they can blame their flaws on me.

3. They are trying to put me down, so I feel insecure, as they are not capable of seeing my strengths, and if they do see them, they have insecurities and are jealous of mine, that is not my responsibility, that is theirs. I don’t have to put myself down to make others feel better, I’m in control of me, and they are in control of themselves.

4. They are twisting the story to take me off topic and narrate the script to suit themselves.

5. They are provoking an argument as they don’t understand the reasoning, comprise or others perspectives. Opinions they are entitled to theirs and I’m allowed to mine, and I don’t have to take part in every argument I’m invited to.

6. They are intimidating me because they have no power or control over me, they want me to fear them, so I no longer live for me.

7. They are smearing my name, as they don’t want to be held accountable for their own actions, I know my truth, and I do not have to defend my actions or my life to those who just want to gossip or believe liars, they can stay in their lane, and I will stay in mine.

8. They are using triangulation, to get me to question myself and those around me, to get me to do things I wouldn’t typically do, if others want to do that, then that’s for them. However, it’s not for me. Others opinions of me are not for me, only I define who I want to be.

When you do have to communicate with them, do your best to stay relaxed, do not show them any emotions, look just over their right ear. If they are reasonable, be reasonable back, if they are being negative or hurtful, do not engage, just like two wrongs don’t make a right, two people locked in negative don’t bring either happiness. You can scream and cry let those emotions out once they have left. This is why it’s best to stick to limited contact, messages and emails, especially at the start, some are dangerous so it would need to be no contact.

When they are trying to provoke you, never respond instantly. If you don’t need, to respond, don’t. Trying to clear your name, or make them aware of your, thoughts, feelings and opinions doesn’t work, they are not interested in those, they just want to draw you into their games, and pull out your reactions.

Remember, retreat, rethink and only then respond if you need to do so. Most often you don’t need to respond, getting to know yourself so well, others opinion of you no longer count, losing self-doubt, by understanding your intentions are from a good place, and listening to your instincts, the only person you need to explain yourself to, is you.

If you can remove them from your life and go no contact, do it, if you have children, or they are a family member you can not remove, ( If a family member is extremely toxic you need to remove them.) or a work colleague, it’s grey rock and observe do not absorb.

Be who you want to be, put your needs first and the needs of others second, so you can be at your best to give your best. You are not being selfish. A narcissist is selfish as they expect you to put their needs before your own, yet they’ll not put yours before theirs. It’s ok to loan someone money if they need it, so long as that person would do the same in return, those who expect people to give to them, and are unwilling to give back are the selfish one, so if you don’t want to loan money to others, that’s for you, and you wouldn’t ask someone for money, as you wouldn’t expect someone to do for you, what you wouldn’t do for them. A narcissist works the other way round the selfish way, they expect people to loan them money, yet they wouldn’t lend someone money in return, that’s selfish.

With your control of your own inner mind, emotions, and happiness, your life will become so much more peaceful.

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