Those who’ve spent time around a narcissist will already know all too well just how confusing they can be, just how confusing your life becomes around them, slowly losing your own opinions, perceptions and reality, just how manipulative narcissists are and how they can straight out lie, often believing their own lies, with you believing their lies as they are so convincing in what they do.
These are seven ways a narcissist can play the victim and twist the story to suit their reality.
Delusion and Denial.
A narcissistic person can feel shame for the things they do. However, they don’t want to feel this shame, so they Project their shame into others by blame-shifting to escape accountability and avoid taking any responsibility. To prevent them from feeling any form of emotions like guilt and remorse. As a coping mechanism, they delude themselves and those around them to avoid any painful emotions, that their own reality is the only reality, and it’s real, even though it isn’t.
Their reality is often indeed seen by them that way, and even at times when it isn’t, they tell themselves and others their truth that much their own subconscious believes it to be real. They have to create a story in their own heads perceived in the only way they want to see it, which is everything is always someone else’s fault and never their own. The more this goes around their head, the more they believe it to be accurate, and why their stories are so convincing even when things don’t quite add up.
How to disarm.
Write down what they told you, then write down your reality.
Projection.
The narcissist will project any unhealed parts of themselves onto others, as they simply will not and can not take responsibility for their own actions. They don’t like how they are empty, they need external approval and seek attention, they are pathologically Jealous And Envious of those around them, and they will fabricate, distort, lie, Triangulation and blame shift any of their own wrongdoings onto others. This creates an alternative or false reality in the narcissist’s mind.
When you question them about something, and they say you’re jealous, it’s either to deflect the truth or because they are jealous.
When you suspect they are cheating and ask them about it. They will accuse you of cheating or being insecure to deflect the truth often because they are actually cheating.
If they say someone is insecure, they are insecure.
If they say someone was cruel to them, they were cruel to that person.
If a narcissists says you’re too sensitive, it’s to cover up the fact they hurt you’re feeling.
If a narcissist states you have trust issues, it’s to distract you from the fact they’re untrustworthy.
If they say their exes are crazy, look at the common denominator.
They want to pass all their faults onto others. To do this, they will blame your emotional reactions to their actions as being the primary problem to distract you from the fact their actions are the problem. Whatever hurtful act a narcissist does to another, the narcissist will find a way to twist it so the other person was in the wrong to make themselves out to be right.
How to disarm.
Give yourself the compassion and understanding that the narcissist will not give you. Do not give them your sympathy or empathy, as a narcissist will use this against you to hurt you more. You can not control what others say and do. You can not help them. You can give yourself your own reality check and be kind to yourself first.
Gaslighting.
Narcissists use gaslighting as a way to psychologically manipulate others into losing their own reality and taking the narcissist’s reality on as their own. Another way to escape the actual reality of the narcissist’s mistakes and wrongdoings is by making others believe the narcissist’s false reality, thus them believing their own false reality themselves.
How to disarm.
If you’re still with them, if they are a family member, write down what was said, and if in doubt, look at it. If you have children they still see, keep everything via messages or email, so you have it all in writing.
Switching the crazy-making onto the innocent target. When anyone confronts a narcissist or tries to set boundaries, the narcissist will change the whole focus onto the other person. So the narcissist can escape accountability and not take responsibility for their actions. Putting all the attention and blame onto the innocent party.
Narcissists do this with ease as they lack the empathy to care. They believe they are always right and are oblivious to how their behaviour affects others, only how people’s reactions might affect the narcissist, they refuse to listen to others, refuse to admit fault, and to the narcissist, any pain you’re in is your doing, any pain the narcissist is in will also be your doing.
They make others feel guilt by blaming those around them so that the narcissist can remain in control. They exploit peoples feelings to punish people, to bring out the worst in people, and to take advantage of people for their own gain.
When a narcissist feels.
- Threatened
- Shamed.
- Rejection.
- Embarrassment.
- Exposure.
- Disrespect.
- Neglect.
- Humiliated.
Real or perceived, and as they don’t see themselves as the problem if they embarrass themselves, they then have to abuse others by.
- Physical.
- Financial.
- Psychological.
- Emotional.
- Spiritual.
- Sexual.
Then they gaslight those they abuse into blaming themselves. At the same time, the narcissist plays the victim to feel better about themselves, the more we chase them, the more we try to help them, the more we work harder to please them, the more they believe it’s our fault, if we walk away they believe it’s our fault, there is no way to help a narcissist as they’re unwilling to help themselves. The only thing we can do is allow ourselves and walk away.
How to disarm.
Only take responsibility for your own behaviour, pass responsibility back to the rightful owner for theirs, recognising what they do to people, that they are shifting the blame, and focus on the fact their behaviour speaks volumes about who they are and not who you are.
Lies.
Narcissists are compulsive liars. It’s a defensive mechanism. Even if you have facts and evidence, they will lie through their teeth to get out of it, find some way to blame others or explain why it was all your fault.
A Narcissist will be angry at you for finding the truth out about them.
How to disarm.
Look for facts. If they are bare-faced lying with evidence in front of you, remember they can not accept responsibility, they can not be held accountable, so give yourself the answers.
How they will tell the story to others.
Even genuine people have their limits and can react and react badly. Reactive Abuse, occurs when the victim finally snaps. They might scream or shout in anger, throws insults or lash out at the abuser. Abusers are known to try and push others for this reaction. Once the narcissist has the reaction, they will twist the story so the real victim is the abuser, and the narcissist can play the victim.
They will use this against you forevermore, and some will even film it to go to the police against you.
If you reacted at any point during a narcissistic relationship, where they were controlling you, then twisting everything into you. Then you feel as you’re to blame while they escape all accountability. This does not make you a narcissist. This is further manipulation from the narcissist. The keyword is REACT. You reacted to someone who knows all your weaknesses so that they can turn everything onto you. Own responsibility for how you reacted, see the whole story, and then let it go. It’s now in the past.
How to disarm.
In any future communication, retreat, rethink and then only respond if you genuinely need to do so.
Smear campaigns and your character annihilation.
You might remember the stories they told you about the exes. They most likely will not have wanted you talking to any exes because, of course, they’re all crazy. Having empathy, you sympathise with them about just how horrible it is another person could treat someone this way.
This is what they will be doing to you, everything they did to you, any reaction you gave, they will be twisting all the facts into their own reality and blaming you.
“When a Narcissist can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you.”
Narcissists will often leave without closure, so when you call and message, they’ll show the new partner, friends and family as evidence you’re Stalking them, and they’re such a good catch that you want them back. Missing out the part, they just up and left you and moved straight in with someone new.
“Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.”
If you try to explain to the new partner, they’ll have been fed so many lies, just like you once were, that it will only confirm in the new partner’s mind that you’re trying to split them up.
Or they’ll Triangulate you both, so you both work harder to win them back, play you off against each other. They know you’ve taken them back before because of that Trauma Bond, so they’ll breadcrumb you into believing you have a chance, they’ll be telling the new how bad they feel for leaving you, and perhaps they should give you another chance, so you both without knowing fight each other to keep hold of a toxic manipulator.
How to disarm.
Leave them to it. Focus on who you are and who you want to be. Their stories fall apart when you don’t look like the crazy ex, and you begin to look happier without them.
When it comes to children, some will just up and leave the children, explaining to others how you will not let them see the children. Others will play so many mind games with the children, fail to see them when they are supposed to, and say horrible things to the children so that you have to choose no contact. They will then blame you to all others for not allowing the children to see them. They will happily drag you onto the court while you lose sleep, worrying about it all, and the effects of the children not seeing them, with the impact on the children when they are around them, are heartbreaking.
How to disarm. Keep as much written evidence on everything as you can, and be prepared. Set time aside to deal with court paperwork. They focus on being positive around the children.
Observe, don’t absorb.
When you genuinely pay attention to the words that fall from their mouths, you’ll know all those times you couldn’t work out what was happening. They were talking rubbish to you, from backhanded compliments.
“You’re hair looks better like that than it did before.”
“I didn’t think you’d get the promotion. Congratulations.”
“You look pretty when you have makeup on.”
Blame-shifting phrases,
“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.”
“I’m not controlling you. You’re trying to control me.”
“If you would have done what I asked, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“You know what I’m like in the morning, and you should have left me alone.”
“If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”
Gaslighting phrases,
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”
“It’s not my fault your too sensitive.”
“You’re crazy, and you need help.”
“I never said that.”
“I told you last week, and you must be losing your mind.”
A narcissist can not accept themselves for who they indeed are, as they believe they are superior and above and better than all others. They are either unwilling or unable to see faults within themselves, so they will make their own reality and do their best to ensure those around them believe them. They convince themselves that their reality is a fact.
They need validation from others to keep their own insecurities and faults deeply hidden.
People who’ve been close with a narcissist get hurt emotionally, psychologically, socially, financially and sometimes physically. They simply do not care, and they will turn whatever they do to you onto you so that they can escape all accountability.
You communicate on a world level, with empathy, compassion, understanding of other’s perceptions, caring, thoughtful and forgiving. They only understand they are the only person that matters.
You look for the middle ground and Compromise, and they are not looking for agreement. They are looking to win at all costs to you.
They communicate on a level which is only ever to serve and suit themselves.
The disorder is on a spectrum, so some you might be able to learn how to disarm them and how to best handle yourself around them.
With others, no contact is the only way forward.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Projection.
Common lies
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