Why do narcissists mirror you?
All too often within a narcissistic relationship, through their manipulative Idealisation stage, we think we fall in love with them. Yet, we end up falling In love with ourselves, not that we realise that at the time, and for a long time after as we slowly lose who we are within the relationship. As we pass, our hopes, our dreams, our hobbies and our personality onto them, while they slowly take us apart via their manipulative Devaluation of us. We project who we are onto them, and in the start, they project what we want onto us, then they project what we are not onto us, often why many of us question when we start learning about the narcissist personality disorder, Am I The Narcissist?
When they seem to good to be true, it might be because they are. When they put on their Admiration Face because they want attention, when they like all your likes, dislike all your dislikes, love all your hobbies, and you have everything in common with them.
What mirroring is?
Mirroring is what many people do on a subconscious level, when people imitate, speech patterns, gestures, body language etc. of others, to build a rapport with someone by using non-verbal signals. It often goes unnoticed between two parties, when people see us for who we are and when we can see them for who they are.
Mirroring is an integral part of the day to day life, mirroring helps establish connections with others, leading to a better understanding of each other and greater friendships.
What mirroring shouldn’t be, more a narcissist copying.
When a narcissist mirrors, it’s done on a conscious level as they study their targets to purposefully reflect back what their target wants to hear, often accompanied by Future Faking. Some will stalk our social media. Others will ask friends and family about us. They are literally gathering data. As a narcissist lacks in their own authentic personality, they are testing yours. They want to build your hopes up, which creates the Trauma Bond. So when their mask slips and their envious face comes out in full force, they will then Project their negative qualities onto us, so we doubt ourselves, they downplay their toxic behaviour, and exaggerate things we haven’t even done, to get us to conform to their demands and walk on Eggshells around them.
Mirroring is simply an Illusion as the narcissist sells us those dreams of what we want to hear, and once hooked, they begin to Devalue us in horrific ways. Still, as they’ve given us the hope of the illusion when they mirrored us in the idealisation, we don’t see what’s truly happening and do our best to bring that person we first met back. Yet, while in that mirroring stage the narcissist has also learned the things that matter to us the most, and they use these against us to provoke our Reactions or to hurt our feelings, so they can twist the story to blame it all on us, they use our own insecurities against us. Then they Project, narcissists projection is a mix of their manipulative Gaslighting and their manipulative Blame-shifting as they go all out distracting you from the truth, as they do their best to cover the truth with distorted lies, as they hide the truth of their toxic, hurtful, negative behaviour from you. At the same time they get you to doubt and blame yourself and take on the responsibility of the narcissist’s actions, they get you to defend yourself to them for how you think of feel due to their hurtful ways, so they escape accountability, so they remain in control, and so they get away with their actions time and time again, while slowly sinking you under their trance.
Through mirroring they find something out about you, to then use it against you to create self-doubts within your mind, so if you were cheated on in a previous relationship, they’ll happily cheat on you and use ”You’re to hung up on your past.” to Gaslight you into not looking at what’s genuinely happening in your present and instead focus on your past, they will reinforce with things like ”You’re insecure.”
When they are mirroring us at the beginning they treat us better than anyone ever has, they understand us like no one has understood us before, we connect with them, there mirroring of us opens our attachment system.
Humans have a natural attachment system, and this is a neurobiological system. Which drives humans to bond with other humans, the attachment system is an emotional bond that is often formed at birth, where infants attach to their primary caregivers so that they can get their basic human needs met, as babies we are dependent on our primary caregivers to get our human needs to be met, fed, changed, loved etc., this then develops into the needs for social acceptance, emotional, and cognitive development. Humans need for contribution, love and connection and significance, meaning we need to connect with other humans, but to also contribute to other humans, and connect with things more significant than ourselves, why healthy mirroring is usually two people on a subconscious level.
When the attachment system is opened within a mother and baby relationship, through skin contact, eye contact, then mirroring the actions and energy, and the mother can soothe and take care of the infant. Forming an emotional bond within the mind.
Empaths have an attachment system that’s extremely easy to open when they connect with other people, and empaths are very good at feeling another’s pain and seeing others perspectives and trying to help those they are close to. As empaths are naturally tuned into other people’s needs and feelings, even if unaware on a conscious level, it’s easy to get sucked into a narcissists games when they are mirroring you with such purposes intent.
A narcissists attachment system works. Differently, the narcissist has no sense of self, believing they are special and above others, and that others are just an extension of themselves, so there is no two-way energy flow of giving and taking, they can do this in the start of the relationship as they pick up the empaths energy. They know how to extract sympathy of the empath, what to say to gain attention, so the narcissist is like a parasite feeding off the empaths positive energy and using the empaths positivity to copy and pass back the empaths energy. They study us, copy us, and show us ourselves.
As their attachment system doesn’t open and they lack empathy to care, these are two of the many reasons they can hurt others, use others, then just up and walk away when they feel their needs are not being met.
A narcissist mirroring is cruel and calculated, they don’t do it to get to know you for you, they do it to manipulate and use you against you.
When around these toxic negative individuals we can begin to mirror their toxic behaviour, onto them and onto others, our personality becomes confused, and our subconscious is programmed to behave in ways we wouldn’t normally do, often due to the narcissists Blame Shifting and Projection. Why many of us can question if we are the narcissist, no you do not have the disorder, just like negativity breeds negativity, we subconsciously pick up on their toxic traits due to many things including mirroring their toxic behaviour, that person we see that’s good in them, the one who idealises us, the one who love bombs us, the one who enjoys all the things we do, that is us we see within them as they are mirroring us.
When we are questioning our behaviour things we’ve done, that we wouldn’t have done had we known differently at the time, when we reflect on ourselves and who we became during the relationship, the part of us we didn’t like, that is them, that’s who they are.
That person we are left as in the end, the one where we no longer have and passion for life, where we question if we are crazy, where we have to overcome some enabling behaviour when we defended them as we believed what they were saying to be true. That deep down is them, yet they put the admiration face on, and they go and mirror someone else, to hide themselves and those around them from their true selves. They have a disorder it’s who they are and what they do.
We can break the cycle. We can leave, we can move out of the brainwashing they put us through, see clearly heal, and become ourselves again, find our happiness again. If you had narcissistic parents, you are now aware, and you can live the life of your dreams created by you.
Think of something you really enjoy or have enjoyed doing in the past, something you enjoy chatting about and look at ways of getting back into that, where you’ll meet like-minded people, where you can start living for you and the things you like to do.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
The narcissists illusion.