When the narcissist uses the present to create dreams of the future, that will only ever exists in your imagination.
“A narcissist is a con artist. They sell you a dream to deliver you a nightmare.
They might actually deliver some of those dreams. Still, there will be strings attached as to whatever narcissists do is to exploit others to get their needs met. They will also make sure they use your past against you to deliver you all your worst nightmares, which often leaves us completely confused, feeling like we are going crazy, full of self-doubt, full of anxiety full of fear, and many more.
What is future faking?
It’s another manipulation tactic used by many narcissistic people. Future faking is when the narcissist uses our future to control us in our present.
Future faking is exactly what it says, only it’s better explained the other way around. It’s when the narcissist fakes a future with us. They will make fake promises about our future together to get their needs met in the present, to hide how horrible it is in the present by getting us to focus on the future promises they’ll never deliver. They build up or hopes to miss the mark. They will gaslight, which is psychological manipulation to distort our reality, but not only do they distort our present reality, they use the present to distort our future, to hide what they are doing to us in the present; they lie in those idealisation stages, to sell us an illusion of something that will never be. The Narcissist will mirror us, they’ll get to know all our likes and all our dislikes in the idealisation stage, so they can sell us that dream to deliver us our worst nightmare. What they promise is rarely to never delivered. They will fail to act on their promises time and time again, often then with intermittent future faking, gaslighting, blames-shifting, projection, silent treatments, financial abuse, triangulation, and other forms of coercive control to leave us feeling like we are at fault that they didn’t act on their promises, leaving us with the hope when they future fake that our wishes and dreams with them will come true, so they can escape accountability for whatever is happening in the present then not delivering on their fake future promises, in the future. So we try harder to please them. In the hope that they’ll deliver on those future dreams and plans they made with us in the beginning when they could treat us so well.
What future faking does to us.
Future faking pulls on our emotions, our hopes, our wishes, our desires, our dreams, and our happiness. Narcissists take a hold of our beliefs about what our future will be like. They show glimpses, yet the longer we’re around them, the less they’ll deliver on those promises unless we begin to wake from the trance they put us under. They’ll offer that intermittent play nice and deliver on a promise. As we can be so grateful for this, we can then shower them with attention. They might deliver more, depending on what needs of theirs needs to be met at that time. They will throw us the crumbs, just enough to keep us hungry for more. It’s hard walking away from parents, childhood friends, siblings, partners, and that dream job. As we hold beliefs as to who they can be and what life should be, yet we repeatedly get hurt by them. We have beliefs of what family life will be like, yet when that family life becomes painful, our beliefs of what it could be like keep us trapped in the reality of what it’s really like, that and fear, and of course, the Narcissists psychological manipulation of our reality and our minds.
Future faking causes that cognitive dissonance within our minds, that confusion, the brain fog, as we end up living two or more realities, two or more belief systems that just don’t fit together which, no matter how much we try to match those jigsaw pieces up, a narcissist is always sneakily pulling another one out from behind our back, then claiming it was nothing to do with them, it must have been us, how can we not remember, they manipulate in the cruellest ways, future faking destroys our trust in others. Our trust within ourselves, it can leave us questioning our memories, blaming ourselves, overthinking in a negative way, withdrawing from people, and full of self-doubts.
Examples of future faking With a partner.
In the idealisation stage, when they want the kind of home you want, to get married where you want, they love all the same movies, sports and music as you do, to sell you the fairytale. They get to know you so well, not because they care so that they can use you against you, they’ll only promise the things you like. Some of the more common future faking lines from a narcissist are.
- You’re my soulmate. I’ve never met anyone like you. We should get married, why don’t you start looking at wedding venues.
- I really think we should have a child together.
- You should quit your job and move in with me. I can provide for both of us.
- I’m at yours all the time and look how much I help you. I should move in. Then I’m always around for you.
- I think we should start looking at houses to buy.
- I just want to wake up with you every morning and snuggle up every evening.
- I’d like us to travel the world together when we retire. I could really see us having so much fun together.
- I just knew you were the one for me. We are so good together, a perfect fit.
- I would never hurt you.
- I can not wait to have a family with you, grow old together and have our grandchildren visit.
- We are so good together.
In the devaluation stage, when we’ve lived through the reality of the illusion, which is the idealisation stage, once they have control over us, they feel a sense of entitlement to exploit us some more and see how far they can go with their control over us, without the empathy to care for how we think that our future together is often us in pain, as they cheat and then deny, that home they promised is always a tomorrow away. We moved in with them, stopped working to take care of them and the large family we both wanted, yet they barely give us enough money to buy the basics. They moved in with us, one minute they stopped over, then they just never left, rarely to never paying towards the bills, that wedding not happening. Some future fakes in the devaluation stage.
- When I’ve paid this loan, we can get the house. I think that one’s perfect.
- I’ll make up for it. I’ll take you on holiday. You pick, I’ll pay.
- I didn’t get a bonus next year we can have a holiday.
- I’m a little short. I promise I’ll not be next week.
- I will pay you back.
- I promise I’ll never hurt you again.
- I will change for you.
- I will get help.
They discard if they want to triangulate to gain the attention of both parties, to have their cake and eat it.
- I love you. I just need a break from you.
- I promise I just need a break. We will sort things out.
- I’m just stressed and need a time out. I will be back.
Then the hoover, when it’s not working as well as they hoped with the new, or they see you have something they want, or just because they see you’re doing well without them and they can not have that, they get jealous and envious, so they want to crush you all over again.
- Can we go to counselling together?
- I will change for you, I see how incredible you are, and I needed to realise you were the only one for me.
- I promise I’ll not hurt you this time.
- I’ll never let you or the children down again.
- I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just needed space.
- I know I don’t deserve you, I’ll buy you that home, and we will get married.
- I need your help.
- We were good together, and we can be again.
Parents, any family member, friends, co-workers and bosses can also use future faking to manipulate you.
When you find your boss promising you that pay rise time and time again, those job opportunities, yet it never seems to appear, you have much more responsibility than you used to, running errands that’s aren’t part of your job titles, with things like.
- If you can just show me how you’d complete this project, I’ll look into that pay rise and promotion.
- If you can work the extra hrs, then a pay rise could be coming your way.
- You’re the best on the team. I need you to complete it for me. It’ll prepare you for your promotion.
Parents and friends can promise you things, yet they just never seem to happen.
- Whatever you need, we are right here for you.
- We could meet up next week.
- If you could just help me with this, I’ll not ask again.
- I know I said we’d go, but your brother was free, and you weren’t. Well, do it next time.
- I can not meet you today, but next week we’ll check that place out you keep talking about.
- If you visit mum/dad this time, I promise I’ll go next time.
- Can you pick dad/mum this up? I’ll do it next time. (Which they never or rarely do, unless they want something from mum or dad, and if you try to bring it up with your siblings, you’ll get those.
- Why do I have to do everything?
Whoever the narcissist is in your life, whatever the promise they make, yet fail to deliver time and time again, can leave the best of people feeling angry, frustrated, confused, and hurt, especially with the added fact it’s not a case of they say they will, then they don’t, at rare times they do half-heartedly deliver some promises, which when they don’t, if you ask them they’ll take you off topic and exaggerate with those things they have done. With those projections, blame-shifting, triangulating, gaslighting words of.
- Can you not remember when.
- After all, I do for you.
- I never said that.
- You’re imagining things.
- You’re overacting.
- Are you going crazy?
- You need help.
- If only you’d.
- I thought she/he was more suited to the job.
- Well, if you’d make more effort.
- Why do you have to make everything so awkward?
- You’re always causing drama.
- My friend was ok about it.
- You’re so ungrateful.
Or they’ll just walk out on you and go silent for daring to ask them about a promise they made. They might intimidate you, do their best to play on your empathy, your guilt, your ego, anything they can manipulate you with, so you end up feeling like you’re in the wrong, you feel bad, you feel full of self-doubt, you walk on eggshells more and more around the narcissist as they manipulatively, by psychology Abuse and coercive Control, gain more control over everything you say and do, who you are and who you become, especially when there is financial abuse, as soon as they have a hold over us financially which often happens in at least 94% of abusive relationships, that control they have is harder to break.
When we know what to look out for, we can almost become immune to their behaviour and spot a narcissist’s manipulative game miles away; we do need to be careful, though, as we can all promise to ring someone then things crop up, or cancel plans and forget to rearrange, we can discuss a future with a significant other, we can forget to check in on our friends, and people not on the disorder can do this, observing the patterns of behaviour, do you just feel off around them? Do they reach out and apologise when they remember, or do they pass the blame, make an excuse, do they repeatedly lie to you, hurt you, and let you down, then deny they ever did that?
People can have a rough patch, so observe the situation in its entirety. Do they seem too good to be true? Do they exaggerate everything, do they tell you the whole story, do they give valid reasons, or do they palm you off with excuses? Do they seem to let people down while blaming the other person, do they repeatedly let people down, do they repeatedly let you down.
“Actions speak louder than words.”
Remember you are in control of yourself, our dreams are our responsibility, and we don’t give our power away by telling others, as not everyone is going to be happy for you, especially not a narcissist, they’ll be jealous of you and want to take those dreams away from you in any way they can.
There is no wrong in having hopes and dreams; in fact, it’s a must and a part of life to get you out of bed every day; having that vision, that hope, that passion, it’s never your fault that a narcissist took advantage of your kind heart that’s on them, they missed out not you. There’s no wrong in having hopes, wishes and dreams with someone who had those same desires to you, however, we have to learn to recognise when others repeatedly let us down on the small things in the beginning, and it leaves us feeling disappointed. They invalidate those feeling when they don’t call or pick you up because they ”fell asleep.” and you get an” I promise next time.” only next time, they repeat the last time. So it’s not just once; it’s not then because they fell asleep once; it’s because they don’t care. Those people are not the ones to have hopes and dreams with. They will dash them at every turn, and you deserve better when we keep hoping they change to the person they say they’ll be. While they continue to show us the person they are, we are the ones left feeling hurt, confused, angry and frustrated. It’s ok to no longer be there for those who were never truly there for you.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.