How narcissists play the blame game.
A narcissist’s projection is a mix of their manipulative Gaslighting and their manipulative Blame-shifting. As they go all out, distracting you from the truth, as they do their best to cover the truth with distorted lies, as they hide the truth of their toxic, hurtful, negative behaviour from you. At the same time, they get you to doubt and blame yourself and take on the responsibility of the narcissist’s actions. They get you to defend yourself to them for how you think or feel due to their hurtful ways, so they escape accountability, so they remain in control, and so they get away with their actions time and time again, while slowly sinking you further￼ under their trance.
Psychological projection is a defence mechanism used by a narcissist to defend their own ego against their own negative qualities by denying the existence of their own inner faults and placing them onto others. A way to deny theirs and our reality, A way of denying something they have done and passing the blame for their behaviour, thoughts or feelings onto others. They can be projecting thoughts, flaws, emotions, characteristics, actions and feelings they don’t like within themselves.
Projection is the narcissist manipulation method to control the image. The realities they want others to see, to gaslight us into losing our minds, often causing Cognitive Dissonance where because we live in two different realities, the one we live and the one we are gaslighted into believing, we then end up living with two very different beliefs, values or ideas, which leaves us disorientated and confused. We know they cheated, we know cheating is wrong, we know it hurts, we know we deserve better, yet they gaslight us by projecting their faults onto us. ”If only you’d have paid me more attention.” most often, they’ll do all they can to deny any infidelity calling us ”Insecure.” or ”Jealous.” they don’t hide the truth to protect our feelings, like when cheating is committed in a none narcissistic relationship, where the cheater would feel remorse, guilt, would offer a genuine apology, and this infidelity still hurts. Narcissists hide the truth from us to save themselves. Even when we know the truth, they’ll still try to deny, provoke, pass the blame and find any way they can to Twist it all on us, so they can escape accountability as they feel entitled to do as they please, without the empathy to care for those they exploit and hurt along their way. So long as their needs are being met and they are receiving the attention they believe they deserve.
They do not want to be discovered for who they indeed are. They do not want to admit any wrongdoing. So with the Word salad, they throw our way, they pass all their faults onto us.
They will exaggerate something you said as evidence. At the same time, they downplay any of their toxic behaviour. They will use Triangulation manipulation by quoting a third party to get us to doubt ourselves, ”I went here with Sam, I told you last week I was going, do you want to message Sam and check with them.” when they use third parties, who they weren’t actually with, it is often a lie, a twist in the story, any way to distort and lie about reality.
Most Narcissists do actually tell on themselves. If we listen closely enough, through projection, they reveal what they are and what they are genuinely doing. They accuse us of what they have done or what they are planning on doing. They blame exes for what they truly put the exes through. They do this to pity play, to get people on their side by playing the victim, and also to project their own mistakes and faults away from themselves and onto others so they don’t feel the inner shame of their actual actions. They project their feelings onto others, so they don’t have to deal with them. They make others feel guilty for what they do and who they are, as they are unable to feel that guilt within themselves.
As a narcissist is unable and unwilling to be held accountable or responsible for things they think, say and do, they have to project onto others to escape that accountability, often lacking in cognitive reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their version of events up, theirs little chance of them looking back and reflection on any errors they made, they are often that preoccupied with getting what they want, that arrogant to believe only their thoughts, feelings and opinions count, that desperate for control, to be admired and to be right, once they’ve made their minds up, this is then their truth.
They will divert and distract you from what’s genuinely happening by changing the subject, talking over you, the aggressive anger and rage, or the passive-aggressive silent treatment, or they will blame shift onto you. To get you and others to take responsibility for their actions and avoid accountability.
Observing what a narcissistic person does and the patterns of manipulative methods they use help us get the truth from them, as they’ll never directly admit to anything. When we absorb their toxic words, we end you full of guilt, feeling like we are to blame, feeling confused about things we haven’t even done.
It’s like a bottle of poison. If we drink that poison, it takes over every part of us, slowly shutting down and killing us; if we just look at that bottle of poison and read the label, we know it’s dangerous, we understand what happens, and we don’t drink it.
Now, unfortunately, narcissists don’t come with warning labels. But one warning is listening and observing￼ how they talk about others and what they say people have done to them.
They will accuse you or others of things you are not. They will attack your character, hobbies, passions and dreams by invalidating each of them, putting you down, and calling you names like “stupid, an idiot and selfish.” Asking, “why do you have to ruin things.” When you haven’t, you’re actually trying to make it work and keep them happy. They will play the victim in those smear campaigns. They will always be looking to blame you. “If only YOU.” Any false apology often has a YOU in as to why they chose to do something to hurt you. It’s not and never has been you. It was their choice to do the things they do. No one made them. They just gaslight you into believing you made them.
- 1. They accuse you of cheating, and you know full well you’re not and never would. Not all narcissists will do this. Those that do will question where you’ve been and who you’ve been with. They will go on and on because they are cheating or planning on it.
- 2. They accuse the exes of stalking them, being crazy and obsessed with them, and being abusive. Now some exes might match this and look crazy. That’s because the narcissist drove them that way. Some exes might constantly be messaging. That’s the Trauma Bond and the ex wanting answers and closure. The narcissists will start stalking exes as soon as the ex goes no contact. As for being abusive, listen carefully as that’s precisely what they did to the ex.
- 3. They accuse the ex of withholding the Children. This can be one of two, one the narcissist does not need to use the children, so cannot be bothered to see them, to escape accountability, they blame the ex, or two, the ex has woken from the trance the narcissist put them under, realised how dangerous they are and stopped contact.
- 4. You get accused of being selfish, or ” that’s just like you.” Or “My ex would.” Yes, the crazy ex that did nothing but hurt them would have. This is to confuse you. When you set a Boundary, they want to break that down, and as they believe they are entitled and they want to be in control over you, they think you shouldn’t have boundaries, they accuse you of being selfish because they are selfish, they say “that’s just like you.” Usually, when you’ve started treating them, how they treat you. No contact for you to heal is their silent treatment for them to take you down. They are looking for a reaction from you.
- 5. They accuse you of lying. This is because they themselves are compulsive liars.
- 6. They accuse others of causing all the problems they actually caused to the other people, and those who have now stood up for themselves against the narcissist are now having their names smeared by the narcissist.
- 7. They accuse you of doing nothing for them. This is to get you to do something you don’t want to and break down your boundaries, to walk on Eggshells and do more and more to please them. In reality, when you stop and think, you most likely did everything for them, and they did nothing for you.
- 8. They say they’ll never hurt you as the ex hurt them. Meaning they are going to hurt you like they destroyed the ex.
- 9. They accuse you of being crazy, or depressed. They will most likely have gaslighted you into feeling this way if you’ve been around them for a long time. The reality is they are this way within themselves, which is why they have to have others’ attention to fill their own self-esteem. Once you break free and reality starts to return, you realise you were never the crazy one. However, they’ll be accusing you of having mental health problems when you do break free.
- 10. They accuse you of being a control freak, trying to break down your boundaries, values and beliefs. Stop you doing what you want to do and keep yourself in control of yourself.
- 11. They say. “You’ll never find someone like me.” They believe they are far superior and better than anyone, so this is a kind of truth on their part, unfortunately with researchers now suggesting one in five are on the spectrum of the disorder. They are not as unique as they believe themselves to be. Educate yourself so you never find anyone like them again.
How to disarm.
- 1. No contact is the best method. If that’s not possible grey rock.
- 2. Do not engage in it; do not listen to them. Do not react to them; don’t make it your problem, and don’t take it personally. Look at the bigger picture. What have they done? What are they thinking of doing? What are they doing? What are they hiding? Look beyond their words. Look at how you feel and what deep down you know to be true
- 3. Do not react, do not defend yourself, know your truth and leave them to it. When you defend yourself to them, this is what they want, and they view you as desperate, unstable and crazy. They will then turn your reactions into you being the problem.
- 4. Be who you want to be. Know it’s not about you. They are talking about themselves and trying to make their reality yours.
- 5. Have your boundaries, your no needs to mean no, and you need to stick to your no. If you feel the need to explain, do so once you respond. Don’t react, then leave them be.
- 6. Be careful you don’t project your good qualities onto them once you understand what they are. You can not love them into loving you. Forgiving them, trying to help them and being kind to them will only ever harm you. It will never change them. They just see this as an opportunity to exploit you more. Forgiveness is for you. It’s not to let them back in to hurt you again.
The narcissist’s projection.
Stop explaining to the narcissist.
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The narcissists are counter-parenting.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
How They Invalidate You.