Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The narcissist can talk a great talk. Yet they don’t walk a great walk. The narcissist’s actions rarely match their words. Most often with just how convincing they are with their lies, as their lies are their truths, they confuse those around them, only once out of the situation, do you truly see just how unbelievable their words, conversations and arguments truly are.
More about covert and overt narcissistic toxic words, and how they manipulate and brainwash you.
All narcissistic people believe they are superior and think the world owes them and they are entitled. Coverts are harder to spot, as they often think they are amazing, yet the world around them often doesn’t agree. NPD is on a spectrum, and no matter what type of narcissist you are dealing with, they can act both overt and covert, they can all exaggerate, and they can all play the victim.
Everything a covert does is undercover and in secret. The people around them are never quite sure what’s actually happening; they play the victim exceptionally well. Overts are also undercover and extremely manipulative, yet can be more outrageous, and brutal in their ways.
The narcissist will abuse you emotionally and psychologically through Coercive control, yet they will gaslight you by telling you, you’re confused, and they love you. They simply brainwash you.
Brainwashing is cruel if someone says they hate you and they abuse you. You know exactly where you stand with them.
With coverts and Overts, as they show great love one minute possibly never using physical abuse, you can not see what they are genuinely doing to you. They are a bit like someone who’s, sat eating your last piece of chocolate in front of you and they’ll be saying. “ I’m not eating yours it’s mine, you ate mine.” They are like some small children trapped in an adults body. Caught red-handed yet still denying accountability, as they feel entitled they believe they have every right to do this, as they lack in cognitive reflection skills they also can not look back at any mistakes they make, they will sell themselves a story of their reality, and they will keep it.
That’s the kind of confusing twisting things they come out with. Overts would say more along the lines of “ yes it is yours, I’m eating this for your own good so you don’t get any fatter.” So they invalidate you and make you feel bad for accusing them of being in the wrong as the narcissist makes out they are doing it for your own good, slowly wiping away any inner confidence or self-esteem that you did have. Overts say it in a nasty negative way, to also make you believe they are doing you a favour.
Coverts also make you doubt your own sanity, as you can not put your finger on what’s happening, what your instincts are trying so hard to tell you.
The covert narcissist uses word salad to send your mind crazy.
Narcissist just eject a load of words out from their mouths that simply don’t connect with the conversation or the question original asked, taking you off the original topic and most often leading you straight into a verbal argument, where you try to defend yourself and most often end up even more confused, with more questions than when you first started.
Word salad, is when they see a completely different reality to you, or they are trying to keep you as far away from the truth as possible, not to protect your feelings, purely to save themselves, as most have cognitive empathy, yet they are lacking in emotional empathy they don’t genuinely care for you, yet they can think about how others would perceive their actions, even though they most often see no wrong in what they have done, they need to rewrite history on you to the story they tell themselves to escape accountability.
Politicians use word salad to skirt around the question without actually answering the question. This is exactly what narcissists do when they don’t want to admit to things they definitely did do, or when they want to provoke a reaction from you: Reactive abuse, so the can blame shift it all into why it’s all your fault and never theirs, why most people don’t leave sooner as they are led to believe they were the problem, you were never the problem, their hurtful, manipulative actions are the problem. Good people who genuinely love and care for you would not treat you this way, and they would look for compromise, they would reflect on parts they played, they’ed want to help lift you up, not pull you down.
A narcissist wants you to believe they are answering the question when they actually are not, often leaving you completely confused.
In a normal, discussion, conversation, disagreement, it’s a case of, both parties having their say and trying to reach a compromise, yes sometimes two healthy people can become defensive, and try to get their point across, yet at some point will calm down and rationally talk it through with each other, offer a genuine explanation or apology, taking on each other’s views. Sometimes when one party has been hurt, two good people can become distant, yet with the right compunction can work it out.
It’s a case of watching for patterns of behaviour in people, if it’s a one-off, they might have made a genuine mistake, or you might have, if it’s repetitive then they have a problem, you will then most likely have a problem within a toxic relationship, narcissists have a great ability of bringing the worst out in you, why most often when people first learn about the disorder they end up questioning themselves, a few questions that if you can say yes to you’re not a narcissist. Do you have genuine empathy, can you put yourself in another’s shoes and try to help with how they are feeling? Do you care about how others think? Can you reflect on the mistakes you make? Do you feel guilty if you hurt someone’s feelings?
With all narcissists it’s a case of, they will speak over you, turn it onto you and the use the excellent word salad. When they can not argue against, they will complete twist everything around, and they have to have the last word? Even by using the silent treatment until you give in and chase them to apologise to them.
Word salad lets a narcissist seem like they are answering your question without actually answering it.
It lets them covertly manipulate your state of mind. So if you ask them something with evidence, they might say “yes but don’t tell me you’ve never done that, your friend did that last week, and your sister didn’t care, but what about that thing you did yesterday.” If they have done something to hurt you, and you find out, they will find a way to make out it was your fault, or provoke a reaction, and then they will forget all about what they did and focus on your reactions.
The narcissist sentence structure is done to confuse you. Send you into that trance. In a way, they hypnotise you, which your brain goes into a confused state of mindset, doesn’t know what they are saying and gives up. It then makes your mind more open to further suggestions from the narcissist. The cognitive dissonance comes into play, as your reality is being rewritten in front of you, by the very person you are led to believe loves you.
Narcissist answer the point with a conversation that doesn’t actually answer the point.
They also use it to annoy you, provoke you, claim that you’re horrible, use something you don’t like about yourself, so they get you to turn to anger, rage and resentment, so they can then turn it around and blame you. They transfer that shame and guilt onto you, so you’re the one feeling ashamed and guilty, so your are the one that has to apologise, even though with word salad they sent you to that place, they are entirely avoiding accountability any way they possibly can, all while leaving you wondering what’s just happened.
When someone punches you in the face, you know you’ve been attacked or abused. Even a narcissist that is physically violent will say “you made me do it, it’s all your fault, if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” Then they will play super nice, so you see the nice side and forgive them.
When the narcissist uses word salad, you don’t know what’s actually happening.
Which often leads to people giving up and giving in just to put closure on it. Yet it’s never actually closed.
Coverts will use a sentence like. “Pretty please let me have that, I really need it for this that and the other.”
Whereas an overt would be. “ that’s mine, and I’m taking it.”
Coverts use things like.
“Yes I did do that, but it’s because of something that happened to me years ago, and that’s far worse than how you feel right now.”
They will accuse you of doing the very thing they have done, only they will claim you did it far worse.
Coverts are so woe is me.
If you show them facts and evidence, you might hear these sentences.
“You made me do it because you did that.”
“I would never ever do that.”
“That wasn’t me, how could you think that of me.”
Overts would say.
“It’s was for your own good.”
“Why would I tell someone as stupid as you the truth.”
“It was only because you can not handle the truth.”
“I lied to protect you.”
The covert narcissist is, if you’ve watched gremlins, they are a gremlin. Overts can be an idiot all the time as they know people look up to them, and coverts are more deeply hidden with both you’ll not know you’re in pain until months or years down the line, coverts can have a few personality types within themselves.
You go on a journey with them, then one day you’ll wake to discover they’ve stolen your mind and your heart, leaving you in agony as you need them to survive, They swiftly move on then they’re using your mind and your heart, your qualities, everything good about you, on someone else, ready to steal their minds and hearts, like a parasite a vulture they swoop in then slowly infect you and take you down. When they see you are getting your mindset and your heart back, they’ll swoop back in like nothing ever happened, straight in with the word salad to trance you again, then steal your heart and mind all over again.
The best recovery to put your reality back in place is writing down all their false promises and lies, then next to it, writing out the truths.
You can, and you will recover from this.
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Common lies narcissistic people tell.