The Covert Vulnerable Narcissist.

With many narcissists, they like to play games to distract others from who they indeed are, to hide their intentions or their behaviour from others. Some are arrogant enough to be pleasantly proud of who they are and how they dupe people, exploit peoples kindness with a vulnerable narcissist, they put on a grand show of the perfect sob stories, and pity plays.

A vulnerable covert narcissist can inflict unimaginable pain on their friends and families while guilt-tripping their families into standing by them. They enjoy playing the victim to gain sympathy from those around them, they use the kindness, generosity, forgiving nature in those around them to exploit people into not seeing who the narcissist truly is, whilst taking whatever they can for free, holidays, homes, cars, clothing, food, and the worst part about it is their stories seem real and valid.

They will go all out on special occasions to not want families around, providing excuse after excuse, because they don’t want to share in the joy, they don’t want to spend money on their loved ones, yet they will expect a family to invite them over, and when families do the narcissist will go all out with “Are you sure? Only if I’m welcome? Only if you want me.” So you feel bad for them. Whatever gift you buy them will not be enough for them, or they’ll claim, “You shouldn’t have.”

The vulnerable covert narcissist is often far from vulnerable, they can have homes, cars, money, family that might have tired of their behaviour, yet they will dress like the homeless to play the role of the homeless to extract sympathy from strangers, to gain free food, to take clothing away from the homeless because they feel entitled to have it.

They will sit and eat your last cookie because they claimed they were hungry, then once they’ve eaten it in front of you, they’ll pull out some freshly made cookies someone baked especially for them and eat them all to themselves in front of you if you dare ask for one they’ll claim “no these were made for me.”

They are takers and never givers. They will take whatever isn’t strapped down if they believe they can get away with it or rationalise it. With many, it becomes an addiction for the dopamine rush when they achieve it. Many know right from wrong. However, they’re addicted to the wrong, the quick fix, the great escape, then the mind games and manipulation after that to get away with their behaviour.

The covert vulnerable narcissist will come at you with things such as.

“If you loved me, you would.”

“I only did that because of you.”

“Oh, I knew it would be my fault.”

“No one understands me.”

“I knew you’d take their side.”

“I don’t know why I bother.”

“I’ve had to do everything myself.”

Vulnerable narcissists are that self-entitled hypocrite. They believe they deserve special attention, special privileges, or special treatment. However, they don’t believe others do. They will put on a false appearance to exploit people, often with those sob stories to gain sympathy and attention. They’ll expect others to help them through hard times. However, they’ll not be willing to help others unless they can play the “look how good I am.” To gain something in return, they will help out in the community if they can gain something in return.

Vulnerable narcissists are often incredibly envious of others, believing that others are envious of them, they will repeatedly put people down, always finding the negative in others achievements, or taking credit for others achievements, they will only offer false or insincere praise, those backhand compliments of, “congratulations I never thought you’d be able to do that.”

Vulnerable narcissists are exploitative as they use others for their own gains, only interested in things that suit them. However, they will have sob stories to rationalise why they can not help others if helping others doesn’t suit themselves.

They play the victim so well, sometimes to the point where they merge into that role and become depressed when the reality gap closes in, however as that depression often helps them, they use it to exploit others further.

Vulnerable narcissists are always going to shift the blame, twist the story to suit themselves.

“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.”

“I’m not controlling. You’re trying to control me.”

“If you would have done what I asked, it wouldn’t have happened.”

“You know what I’m like in the morning, and you should have left me alone.”

“If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”

“It’s not my fault your too sensitive.”

“I knew you’d blame me for your trust issues.”

“Why do you have to push my buttons.”

A vulnerable narcissist is more prone to using passive-aggressive behaviour such as the incredible sulk, the silent treatments, procrastination. Hence, people try to help them, not realise the narcissist is trying to manipulate them. They might slam doors or punch holes in walls, which of course to the narcissist will be someone’s else’s fault, the whole “you made me don’t.”

They are the very negative woe is me, which can be heartbreaking as they tell tails of woe from their hard done by childhood, only it’s not because they’re seeking help for their trauma, it’s because they’re using their past to exploit your caring nature to get their needs met in the present.

Highly sensitive to criticism, where they might start talking over you, throwing things, as they don’t want to be exposed for you they are, they want to place that fear into you, of course, they’ll still blame, shame, or guilt-trip you for their rage. “You know what I’m like if you hadn’t. I had a different past. I have no one without you.”

Vulnerable narcissists often hold many grudges. They are very resentful, believing others have all the luck, that no one cares for them, that others are privileged, they’re often very bitter, why they see no wrong in taking from others as they believe others take from them, they rationalise in their mind that others deserve the bad treatment of the narcissist and the narcissist deserves what they can steal from others.

They are incredibly selfish. They lack the empathy or consideration of others thoughts, feelings or opinions, only concerned with their own profit, gains, or happiness in exploiting another.

The vulnerable covert narcissist is committed to playing the victim’s role to get their own needs met. Some will set the stage. They’ll create the conflict or drama. They will bait others into reacting, so the narcissist can stand there with a smug look on their face and play the victim.

How to handle.

Radical acceptance that their repeat pattern of behaviour is who they are, don’t react, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, remember you did not cause it, you can not change it, it’s who they are, the more you sympathise with them and help them, the more they’ll exploit you, you can only help those who are willing to help themselves, with a vulnerable narcissist they’re only willing to help themselves to your stuff. Limited contact and grey rock, no contact if possible, talk with those who understand the unbelievable yet real behaviour of a narcissist, work on your values and beliefs to create your boundaries, work on your thought process and the meanings you give to things, step away from those who are never there for you, only their when they need something from you.

A vulnerable narcissist will smear your name. They’ll ruin neighbours business by trying to ruin their neighbour’s reputation purely because the narcissist is envious, they smear friends, family, work colleagues, they will scapegoat people, they will gossips about people, spread half-truths, outright lies, they will slander people’s names, anything to shift the blame, shift the negative attention away from themselves gain sympathy and destroy others. All while playing the victim.

Vulnerable narcissist.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Disarming A Narcissist.

How to disarm a toxic person.

So you met someone, got sucked in, you’re left with no idea of why it happened or even how it happened. You are, or you have been through all the I could have, would have, should have sort of stuff in your head. You didn’t think at the moment what you could do. You didn’t have the tools to cope with this kind of person. You might realise a person like this raised you. Hence, you accepted behaviour as normal that you should never have. Learning no contact is the best way to go. However, this might mean cutting off a healthy parent who needs you, who would be stuck with the narcissist, or you have children with your ex. You might have begun to realise a work colleague is narcissistic. In this case, no contact isn’t always possible, and it needs to become limited contact and grey rock.

So just you have to disarm a narcissist’s covert-aggressive manipulative tactics? What can you say so you don’t get drawn in, don’t go on the attack and don’t feel horrible afterwards?

Remember, many things are a game to a narcissist, one game is to provoke you into feelings such as anger, and once they get you there, they want to push you into a reaction. Once they have your reaction, they want to play the victim and pass blame over to you, so you feel ashamed, guilty, so the narcissist escapes consequences while gaining further control over you.

How to handle yourself around a narcissist?

Breath.

When they are coming at you, the first thing you do is breath. take a few deep breaths before you respond. Focus on your breathing and becoming mindful. You might notice they are hitting on that same thing within you, using your weaknesses against you. Your heart might be racing. They are just trying to make you feel uncomfortable and unworthy, so be aware of this within yourself, don’t take their words personally, recognise the games they are playing.

Boundaries.

Set boundaries and stick with them. The boundaries might be as simple as saying no, say they want to pick children up later and do it regularly to disrupt your life, and they don’t even show up just say, “ no, it’s nine as Pre-arranged or not at all” you do not need to respond to any comeback. You stood up for yourself and said no. It’s up to them to either arrive when Pre-arranged or not bother. What they do with that is not your problem.

So set boundaries, say no and make sure you enforce it. You must always enforce it. Give a narcissist an inch. They will go after the mile.

Observe.

Observe what’s going on like a third person. Listen and watch them like you’re watching yourself on tv. Read the message like it was sent to someone else. Then you’re not as caught up in the drama, and it gives you time to think and respond. Emotionally detach yourself from the situation, no upset, no anger from you towards them as that’s how they win getting those emotional responses. Stick to facts only state it once. You’ve said what needs to be said. Do not engage in an argument. Don’t act happy either, as they will find a way to twist and manipulate that onto you. When you observe what is going on, like you’re a third person, you can detach yourself from the situation. See what happens from a different perspective. Giving you the power to respond non emotionally and to the point. (You can let your emotions out afterwards when they are not around if you need to do so.)

Guard your focus.

Guard your attention like your life depends on it. Where you focus your attention is where you focus your mind, which is your best asset when talking to a narcissist or toxic person. Focus on the topic at hand and keep your attention on the initial point, as these narcissists love to divert off the original topic and provoke you in any way they can. They want to listen to your emotional response. They want to control the topic, control how they make you act, control your mind, So keep your attention on the original topic only. You control your attention. You will see them taking you off-topic, trying to draw you in and pull you down. Recognise their game for what it is. Their game of manipulation, distraction and control. When you keep your attention in your own head, you are then like. No, thank you, I’m not going down that route. Let’s stick to what we’re actually discussing. Cancel and delete in your mind what they’re trying to draw you into and stick with the first point. They like to plant seeds of doubt in your mind by deflecting you off-topic. Focus on you. Your strengths, your positives, your routine, boundaries and goals. They might try to entice you to go against your integrity, then you feel guilty, and they manipulate. Stick with your own opinions and your own integrity. Choose your integrity and do not fall into their trap. Remember being aware will help you to achieve this.

Remember what they say and do is on them.

Deflect whatever covert manipulation they are trying to use. Let it float past you, don’t accept it, don’t respond to it. Just leave it right there in mid-air and within your mind, return it to the rightful owner.

If you ever start to get upset, go back to breathing and regain your focus.

Never ever give any kind of emotional reaction to a narcissistic person. When you do they’ve got you right where they want you. They love it and feed off it. So no emotions are to be given. When you get away from them and back home, then you can process that emotion. Go home and let them out. It’s vital you release any emotion they caused when they are not around. You need to let all those emotions out.

Phrases that you could say to them, always stay safe.

When they twist the story so they can escape responsibility. “We remember things differently.”

When they try to put you down. “How you think isn’t my responsibility.”

When your opinion isn’t the same as the narcissists. “ I see you feel strongly about that, as do I, so I’m not changing my mind. You’re not changing yours. So we’ll have to agree to disagree.”

If you’ve set a new boundary and then you get from the narcissist “ you’re selfish” or “ you’re only doing this for your own weird kicks.” or “you’re stopping me from seeing the children for your own strange games “ or “ I didn’t think you were this cruel.”

If you really want to respond, especially if it’s a face to face conversation, go with “That’s interesting.” if you want to go more. “That’s interesting I wonder what makes you think that.” this is also a good response when they are calling you names. Or “How you think of me isn’t my responsibility.” Just remember to stay calm and don’t show emotions. Another good response when they are calling you names is “That’s possible.”no more, no less just “That’s possible.” don’t engage in it. Just deflect it as they do to you.

When they are playing the victim and doing the whole woe is me. Say, “ I see you’re upset about this, you should go work on that” or ask them “How can I help you.” If they want to exploit you let them know. “I don’t guilt trip you into doing things you don’t want to do.” Just put the responsibility back onto the rightful owner.

Suppose they’re throwing one of their toddler tantrums. Just say, “ I hope you feel better”, then walk away.

Suppose they’re just been plain old rude to you. If it gets tense and they start getting angry and threats “ let’s talk when you are calm, so we can keep a mutual respect “ then leave it alone.

Eventually, without the attention they believe they are entitled to, most will back down and walk away as they don’t know what to do when you’re not engaging or giving any emotions away. Also, when you’re firing back at them, things they say to you.

Remember, if you don’t need to talk to the narcissist, don’t. No contact is simply the best method. No response and not reaction.

Another is retreat, rethink and then respond only if you have to, and only respond once.

Suppose you have to because of children. Messages or email. Save them print them to keep everything documented. This is to help you if the narcissist catches you off guard in person, which they’ll probably try to do if they’re not getting an emotional response or any response/ reaction from you.

Remember with good intentions there’s no wrong way or right way to live your life only your way.

The narcissists convention manipulation.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

 

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Why You Can Feel Like You’re Going Crazy Around Narcissists.

To understand more on how a narcissist takes control of your mind, these are the theory’s behind cognitive dissonance and the different parts that play a significant role in how easy it is for your mind to be manipulated by narcissistic people.

One of our basic emotional human needs discovered by Tony Robbins is Love and connection, which is the strong human need to love and connect with someone or something.

Beliefs are thoughts in our minds that influence our own attitudes, actions and behaviours. The power of choice to what we do and do not want to believe, beliefs are only thoughts and not real, and once we have more understanding on these, we then have the power to change them to work for us. If you grew up with two parents remaining together, so you believed that how it’s done, or your parents were separated, so you wanted different for your children, or religious or various other factors, your beliefs in relationships might be you that you stick together no matter what happens, that relationships are hard. You have to work at them, which yes relationships can go through rough patches, and good people who can Communicate and compromise can work things out, when you’re with a toxic person, you need to change those beliefs and realise you don’t have to stay. Core Beliefs are formed in early childhood, other beliefs are formed within our minds, through our own personal experience or what others tell us to be true, why even if you have the same beliefs as another the interpretation of those varies from person to person.

Values, ethical values in good relationships are honesty, loyalty, respect, understanding and self-discipline.

Narcissists look for those beliefs and values in people either on a conscious or subconscious level, and at the start, they Mirror those back to you. That is not who they truly are, they are showing you, yourself, then when their Envious face comes out, and they show themselves for who they are. It cause massive conflict with those beliefs, causing you confusing thoughts and to doubt your own judgment and thinking abilities.

When you meet them, you will most often be on the receiving end of Idealisation, this is the narcissists manipulation to influence you. Doing favours for you, as when someone does favours for you, your perceptions of that person are good, and your feelings are extremely positive towards them. Overwhelming you will receive adoration and attention from them, manipulating you to spend more and more time with them. And why wouldn’t you? You feel a great connection, truly understood and very loved meeting one of your human needs. They gain your love and trust with flattery, attention, commitment, The Narcissists Future Faking. of marriage, and they’ll try to move the relationship on very quickly, things like “If I moved in we’d see each other more and I could really help you around the home, share bills.” Or. “If you move in with me, you can stop working, and I’ll take care off all the bills.”

Any personal problems or outside situations you are having, in the beginning, they will be there to help any way they can, they want you to think you’ve met the kindest person ever and admire them. Most will even drop hints subtle or obvious of just how amazing they are for you. They might continuously shower you with gifts or trips.

This is all manipulation to confuse your mind, which causes cognitive dissonance and then induced Compliance. Cognitive dissonance is a state of mind, when your own thoughts are conflicted, where there is conflicting, beliefs, realities or thoughts. Narcissists help you at the start to gain admiration from you, then they will then at some point, use this against you to break down your boundaries. Gaslighting with words such as.” After all, I did for you.” Or words to that effect. With most narcissistic people once you are hooked, they’ll actually no longer be doing anything for you, or doing the bare minimum, bread crumbing you, yet they’ll constantly remind you of things they have in the past.

You’re used to spending so much time around them, often dropping your hobbies as they so desperately wanted to be with you. They make you feel so good about yourself in the beginning, then they’ll just fall some time on you or disappear on you, again manipulation of your mind, as you lived that life, that reality when they wanted to spend so much time with you. Then you are left believing it’s your fault when they don’t. They’ll start putting you down, Invalidating you to manipulate your self-worth further to lower your standards, lower your beliefs within yourself and gain more control over your mind. All those first promises they suddenly change to, they’re not ready for marriage, they never said that, or you took it out of context. This is all a form of Gaslighting, which is an insidious form of psychological abuse to get you to doubt your own reality.

To start, they matched all your beliefs and values, you lived the fairytale, and your mind believes it as it’s seen at that moment that exact reality. Then when they change into someone, you don’t recognise, and they cause you pain and hurt you. You might have had enough and try to end it, and they’ll bring back all the charm they had in the beginning, that re idealisation, causing cognitive dissonance. When they say things to you like. “Why do you have to make life so hard.” Or “if only you’d have done this.” Then threaten or Intimidate you, even Sulking or giving you the Silent Treatment, so you try really hard, begging with them, pleading with them, doing all you can to make it up to them. They give you the reinforcement of playing nice all the charm they had in the beginning. Your mind is getting trained by them to believe it’s all your doing for any problems or conflict within the relationship, that in actual fact there is nothing wrong with them and everything wrong with you, so you change your behaviour time and time again, Walking On Eggshells trying to please them, so they don’t throw massive tantrums which cause you pain. When your mind perceives something like pleasure, a good emotion, when you’ve been trained how to act and when you act precisely how they want they will reward you, causing induced Compliance in your mind. When you don’t do exactly as they please they punish you, through many manipulation tactics, causing induced Compliance as those punishments cause you great pain, so you do all you can to avoid that pain.

The ups and downs release cortisol from the stress and dopamine from the highs, these are highly addictive natural chemicals the body releases, and you do become addicted, once addicted it becomes increasingly harder to walk free. You will have, or you will reach that point where you break free, learn about what’s happened to you and never go back.

Cognitive dissonance within your mind has variables.

Belief disinformation.

When your beliefs are being contradicted, as the narcissist leads you to believe one story, then delivers another that contradicts the first belief, with intermittent reinforcement of the first story, causing psychological, mental stress within your mind, that stress releases cortisol which is addictive in itself. Yet to reduce the mental stress of the reality that’s so painful your mind chooses to believe the less mentally stress full idea to relieve yourself of the painful thoughts leading you to downplay the abusive behaviour from the narcissist, which of course is helped by the narcissists carefully chosen Blame Shifting words of ”it wasn’t that bad, it was your fault, that never happened, it didn’t happen that way, you made me do it.” and the rest. As you seek moral support from the very person you don’t see is persuading you that your reality isn’t real, you don’t change your beliefs to the truth of the situation. Your mind unwittingly sticks to your original belief. Which gives you the brain fog, when you can see something yet you can not believe it to be true or really see it.

Induced compliance of forced compliance.

After a narcissist, preforms dissonant behaviour towards you, ( lying ) they find ways through manipulative words to get you to agree to their way of thinking, their reality and their truths, even though these are not factual, as the narcissist doesn’t want to accept responsibility for their own behaviour and is never accountable. They gaslight you psychological through words, actions and sometimes moving items for their own self-justification. So even when you know, they said or did something they will Twist it all around, leaving you getting more and more confused. They will tell you or show an example of when they treated you right. They will intimidate you. Threaten you, and they will use many manipulation tactics, so you are forced to comply with their ways of thinking, as your mind believes this will cause you less pain. Either from past hurtful actions of their behaviour towards you. Fear of reactions. Leading you to walk on eggshells around them, forcing you to behave how they want, fawning to their behaviour. All while you don’t see what’s truly happening to you.

Forbidden behaviour.

The severity of the threat on the Devaluation of the forbidden behaviour. With some narcissistic people, this can be down to when and where you sleep, who you go out with, where you go, if you work, what you wear, how long or the colour of your hair, when you have sex together when you answer your phone, so when you’ve been programmed to know you’ll get punishment from the sulks, the silent treatment, arguments, never-ending questions, threats, and all the other manipulation tactics they use to cause you psychological and emotional pain. They get you to unwittingly conform to their way of living and their way of acting, behaving and thinking, it stops you from being true to who you indeed are and what you genuinely want to do for fear of the consequences to your actions of living a free life and how you should be able to live.

Free choice.

Changes in the desirability of your freedom of choice, this part is what makes it so difficult for people to walk free form narcissistic relationships. The free choice aspect of cognitive dissonance occurs when you are faced with a difficult decision when they always appear to be an aspect of rejection or discomfort to what you choose, so you might want to go out for you, yet you know the narcissist will make it difficult. They’ll cause arguments and upset, yet if you don’t go out you’ll feel anger and frustration that you didn’t get to do what you’d like, yet know you’ll not get negative reactions from the narcissist. When you decide enough is enough, and you want out, yet if you stay, you believe you can help them and hope to get the good times back. However, you fear them and their negative behaviour towards you if you leave it’ll also cause pain, the fear of the breakdown of the relationship, pride and ego damaged as your own beliefs that you could make it work didn’t happen, feeling guilty for leaving them, or in fear of what they might do from threats of. “you’ll pay if you leave.” or “I’ll make you wish.” Then if the narcissist was the one to leave you, you’ve got the thoughts of freedom yet those thoughts of no one else will love me, I’ll be alone, again mostly from the toxic words the narcissist drilled into your mind. So you think you want them back to help comfort you from all this pain, most often they are with someone new, again this causes your thoughts to go into, what was wrong with me? What’s so special about the new? Social norms and judgment from others also play a part, worrying what others will think of you. When you don’t open up with the right people, you’re left with so many negative thoughts, the difficult choice between getting help and support and the effects it might have, or isolating yourself from the world.

These thoughts can be resolved by changing the challenged beliefs, getting out of the situation and away from the narcissist is an extremely difficult thing to do. Yet, the longer you are away from them, the clearer you own mind becomes, psychological dissonance slowly fades. Psychological consonance is restored, especially when you seek out moral support from those who’ve lived the same and at one point shared those same contradicted beliefs, your reality becomes restored. Your future becomes so much clearer and brighter.

Music can also help classical music can be the best. Any music you personally enjoy will also help.

When you make a choice for no contact, or limited contact if you can not go no contact due to having children together, the more you are away from them, the more your mind can start to think clearly, the trance they put you under slowly fades, the fog lifts. You can start to think and act for yourself again and do what’s right for you and what makes you happy, they more you connect with those that have lived it and understand it the more you can put reality back into your own mind, the more you learn about narcissistic behaviour and the effects it has on you the less you’ll ask, why are they doing this to me? Especially with Smear Campaigns and endless games of those narcissistic people, you just can not seem to shake off. The more you’ll see their pattern in behaviour, what they are doing, the more you’ll be able to laugh at how unbelievable yet believable their behaviour and true nature is, the less it’ll impact on your life and your emotions. The more you will come to realise you never even knew them to let alone loved them, it was all an Illusion, of mind trickery, and you can get control back of your mind, your thoughts and your feelings to reach the place of I’m in control of my own happiness and my own life now. You can, and you will.

The narcissists illusion.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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More on cognitive dissonance.

Narcissists Giving No Closure

Why a narcissist will not give closure and ways to find your closure.

Narcissists give no closure, as they are hoping it’ll cause us pain, hoping that we shall chase them, so they can frustrate us all the more, if they discarded as they have new supply our chasing of them plays into the hands of their smear campaign very nicely, they can claim to others that we are obsessed with them if we’ve ended it with them many will hold a grudge. Many narcissists will seek revenge, as we seek understanding of what happened and validation of our feelings to find our closure, often they’ve devalued us, so we no longer trust our thoughts, we no longer trust our instincts, as they have trained us to go to them on anything were unsure about, we try to get the answers from them, as we’ve been taught to doubt and blame ourselves, we continue to ask what we did wrong, they remain stuck within our minds, finding it harder for us to move them out, without closure, we still go searching for answers. When we should be thanking them for their inconsistency showing us who they are and walking away, any ending of any relationship can be painful. That pain can keep us trapped in the cycle of forgiving them, leading us to more pain when we need to face the pain, work through the pain and move on without them.

The narcissist not giving closure is just further manipulation to keep you hooked, as many narcissists can not let go, so they don’t see why you should be able to.

They know from the relationship you like answers, because you’re not getting them, you’ll keep chasing them, giving them the attention they believe they are entitled to.

Perhaps they owe you money, another manipulation tactic, In the hope you ask them for it, they’ll never give it to you, just provide excuses after excuses to keep you hanging, dangling a carrot and taking it away, they get to keep the connection for longer.

Or they’ll then give you the “what money?” Just to confuse and anger you more.

Then it will be belonging they leave in your home, they will issue excuses after excuses again to keep you waiting, or they’ll keep yours, the ones you most value, again they will keep the excuses going, they want you to contact them about these items, they’re keeping them to hurt you, and to smear your name to the new, they’ll not show the content of a message from you, unless it’s a reaction that works in their favour, they’ll show the missed calls.

They want to get you going, so they can remain in control of your feelings.

They may turn up where you are, so when you react, as others don’t understand you look like you’re the crazy one, helping their smear campaign against you and how crazy you are.

They may disappear for a while, to leave you wondering, what’s happened to them.

All tactics to keep you thinking about them.

Your closure will never come from them. Your closure comes from you, whatever method works for you. Learning who they genuinely are, learning what they do, know you can not love them better, you can not fix them, you are not the exception to the rule, you can not bring back the person they sold themselves to be, it was all an illusion, a manipulation tactic by them to hook you in, loving them more does not make them hurt you less. Radical acceptance of who they are, that you might have lowered your standards for someone who wants deserving of you, give yourself the closure, work on techniques, to get them out of your mind, to recover from anxiety,

When someone is no longer interested in us, we can begin to work on our closure however a narcissist will breadcrumb us, so we do our very best to please the person who is hurting us, the narcissist breadcrumbing will continue to hurt us when we don’t recognise that we are living in the hope of something they’ll never deliver, causing us psychological pain, their games keep us psychologically and emotionally trapped to them to our pain, living in the hope that if we just work harder to please them, they’ll stop hurting us, when they treat us right with intermittent reinforcement, it releases that pain, to cycle around again.

Living in hope can keep us going back to the pain of a place were not meant to be

Closure can come from knowing that something that was bad for you has come to an end, it’s time to grieve, work on you and leave the past behind you. The closure is letting go of your limitations of the painful past, and find new opportunities to bring you joy.

The closure is giving new meaning to the past so you can leave it in your past to move forwards into a better future.

The closure is seeing that story is no longer your story, that you are enough, that you will heal, that you deserve better.

The closure understanding what’s indeed happened to you, your reality, you’re meaning, validation of your feelings, learning your values and your beliefs so that you can create your personal boundaries, to close the door on that chapter in your life and walk with your head held high into your future, with mistake made lessons learned, wiser, stronger and knowing you have the coping skills to make it through anything because you are enough.

The closure is radical acceptance of who they are.

The closure is finding your peace in your freedom by walking away from those who play games with your mind, heart, dreams and soul.

A cheating narcissist not giving closure.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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