Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Have you ever had a conversation with a narcissist where you’re left completely confused with no idea what just went on? Completely stunned that they had no clue and it ended up being about something you did? Or that you were talking to a brick wall, banging your head against a brick wall? That in reality, you’d have probably got more sense from a brick wall?
Conversations with a narcissist are crazy-making, often leaving you feeling like the crazy one, you often end up questioning your own sanity, your own reality, blaming yourself for things that perhaps never even happened, they are exhausting, and you often left feeling extremely emotional and extremely drained. They can be nerve-racking. Usually, you’re left wishing you’d never started the conversation, doubting your very own instincts and wondering what on earth just happened.
The problem is some of us are born into narcissism, even on the low end of the spectrum so don’t always truly learn what true love is, then as we grow and make friendships, get into relationship we accept their behaviour as normal, that we should have never accepted, making excuses, reasoning, then with all the manipulation of self doubt they plant into our minds it makes us all the more susceptible to further mental abuse. We trust the words and actions of others as we don’t go around manipulating others.
Narcissistic people don’t feel, think, act or do like we do, we give them our good qualities, and when they don’t respond like we would like good caring, kind people would, we become confused, hurt, disappointed, angry and with the narcissists carefully chosen words, blame ourselves and work harder to please them. At some point, the narcissist will then play nice, which then reinforces our self-doubt that it’s us that are at fault. Nothing you or anyone ever does deserve this kind of manipulation or abuse in any way, shape or form. They are the ones with the problem you were never to blame.
These are examples of tactics they use for crazy-making conversations.
1. Interrupting you. In the beginning, it might be all about you, and this is just another manipulation tactics to get to know your likes, your dislikes so they can mirror you, your insecurities so further down the line they can use all theses against you. After that love bombing stage, suddenly the conversations will be all about them; they just love to be the centre of attention and talk all about themselves. They will have no interest in holding a two-way conversation, and if you try to get a word in and it contradicts or criticises the narcissist, they will ignore, talk over you, raise their voice, or dismiss you, While people with ADHD and other mental health problems can struggle with conversations and interrupt people. The narcissist will intentionality interrupt you to bring the conversation straight back onto all about them. They believe they are correct, they are superior, and you should accept trust and believe in all that they say.
They feel like they are superior and have to remain in control. So they do this by dominating conversations. They have no interest in compromising, other people’s thoughts, feelings or views. To them it my way or I’ll make it my way, they will monopolise most conversations, they will interrupt and bring it back onto them, they will discredit anything you do say and use it as evidence against you. They will take control, avoid talking about any genuine issues, avoid any accountability.
How to disarm, if they keep taking you off-topic, bring it straight back to the original point, observe if they, blame shift, provoke, talk over you or rage. Stop the conversation, never react only respond, and you only need to respond once, if they don’t want to listen, they’ll not, you do not need to respond if they take you off-topic as they’ve not responded to the situation at hand.
2. The silent treatment. This is one of the narcissists most common methods for emotional manipulation of those around them. When they feel criticism or they are losing power and control over you, most go for the silent treatment. They will do the present silent treatment. For hours, days or weeks when you are in the home, so you’re walking on eggshells. They will do it when with friends on purpose entirely leaving you out of the conversation, or the disappearing act, where they up and leave for days or weeks, all to keep dominance and control over you they will demand a perfect apology for things you don’t even know you’re apologising for. They would do this if you didn’t accept their point of view, to avoid discussing important issues. To avoid taking or accepting and accountability for things they have done. To get you to do as they ask and when you do, they’ll reinforce your self-doubts by playing nice with you again, just to bring you crashing down again.
The silent treatment is used against you, so you feel insignificant, invalidated, insecure, vulnerable, unloved, to make you question and doubt yourself, they usually make it so you can not get hold of them with the disappearing act, or so you’re walking on eggshells for the present silent treatment.
How to disarm. There’s no better way to recover from narcissistic abuse than taking the first step of no contact, and they use it to hurt you. You use it to heal you. Don’t try to reason with them, don’t try to work out what’s wrong, write down and focus on your reality, no longer, beg, pled or apologise, just leave them be, they can not play if you’re not playing with them, they can not fight if your not fighting and they can not control if they have lost the control of your mind.
3. The topic switch. You could be happily discussing something, then you either don’t agree with their point of view, they feel criticised, or you’ve asked them about something they don’t want you to know about. So to gain control and win as that’s what narcissists want to win and be In control. They suddenly switch the conversation onto something else, usually, something you’ve done, or something you haven’t done for them, one of your insecurities, they spew out loads of word salad to provoke you, confuse you, hurt and upset you. Suddenly you’re in defensive mode, and the original conversation had disappeared, then you get blamed for everything for defending yourself. Or your reduced to tears and they’ll sit back almost looking pleased and watch you cry, while still blaming it all on you.
How to disarm. Again observe what they do and what they switch it onto, bring it back to the original conversation, if they don’t want to leave them to word spew on themselves and take no part in the conversation.
4. Blame shifting. Which they do with everything and anything. When you question them, or they feel criticism in some way. They as above change the conversation or interrupt you or silent treatment you. They will use any of your insecurities and any they’ve drilled into you, against you, so you go into the defensive. They take your attention away from the original point, then when you react, they blame it all on you. They have to escape accountability, so their lousy behaviour disappears like magic and your tricked into defending yourself and taking on all the blame.
How to disarm. Don’t play, Don’t question them, they’ll never give you an answer if they do it’s a lie or somehow your fault, instead find the answers from within yourself. Remember they don’t want compromise or your opinions. They want to win at all costs to you.
5. Projection. Another they love to use on others. They things they do and the things they say to one when no one is watching is entirely different to when others are watching. If you listen to their character assassinations of others, this is actually the real truth of who they indeed are. They will discredit people who are credible, accuse people of cheating who are not cheating, accuse others of lying who are no liars, accuse people of being insecure who are trying to listen to their instincts, accuse people of being crazy who they actually drove that way, accuse people of keeping their children from them, when most of the time they don’t even pick up the children.
Narcissists do this when they are defensive, and they project all their faults onto others, they annihilate and destroy people. Good people don’t project, good peoples comments resemble the truth of the other person, they are not outright lies.
How to disarm, if they are smearing your name, leave them to it rise above, if they are doing it directly to you, observe those words, don’t take them on as your own, take them as a verbal confession of who they truly are.
6. Turning up the volume. When they over talk you. When they get angry and feel as though they are losing control of the conversation, they will turn up the volume to shock, confuse, intimated and basically bully you into submission. This is because when you feel intimated your defence is the weekend. They are using more physiological warfare against you. This is when they lack intelligence over the conversation. So they have to talk louder and over you to dominate the conversation and take back control.
How to disarm. Stop talking they are not interested in your point of view, and they want to scare you into taking on their opinions, turn your ears off. Go into your own mind and focus on your own opinions and thoughts.
7. Playing the victim. When they’re not playing the hero, they will pity play into the role of the victim. They will never be the villain. They do this to avoid accountability, to avoid responsibility and to avoid their actual abusive behaviours and cover them up. They know others are kind, caring and compassionate, and they play on that to further their advantage over people, gain flying monkeys and control others opinions all while hiding their true selves. If your upset over a broken promise, or something they have done, they will play victim and project something you haven’t or have done that hurt them more, how you don’t give them the empathy or sympathy. How you’re insecure or selfish. When in reality it’s you that needs it not them, yet you end you lowering your boundaries, feeling sorry for them, forgiving them. Whatever happens to you, they’ve always had worse happen to them.
How to disarm. Remember why the conversation started, stop listening to them and focus on the original conversation, the original problem, don’t look to them to emphasise or help, look to yourself and what you need to do to stop the situation. Look to good people who will reassure and help you.
8. Gaslighting. Their manipulation tactic to psychologically manipulate your mind it’s an insidious form of abuse, they will purposefully not share information, they will rewrite history on you, either something that did happen they’ll tell you it never happened, or something that didn’t they’ll tell you it did, then accuse you of “losing your mind.” This is used, so you doubt your own mind, question your reality, doubt your judgement and go to them for a reality check. They might even hide or rearrange your belongings.
How to disarm. Always keep things via messages and email, if it’s in-person keep a diary, take notes and got to those for your own reality check.
9. Triangulation. This is when they will talk about what someone else has done, to get you to break down your boundaries and do it for them, they will lie about what others have said about you to dived and conquer and get you isolated from all support.
How to disarm. Know your worth and your boundaries, just because someone else would do something doesn’t matter you are not them, any lies try to get the third person and the narcissist together, then ask them about it.
Without awareness and education about narcissistic abuse, those who’ve accounted one will most often end up surrounded by them, and they are like vultures to those kind caring people who don’t understand it. Emotional abuse is devastating and takes down your personality, values, beliefs, hopes, dreams, friendships, heart, soul, spirit, financial and physical health, without knowledge of what they do we will spend our whole lives frustrated trying to help those who are incapable of change. Yet with the knowledge, awareness and understanding you can, and you will heal from this, and with greater understanding you’ll not get in to deep next time, as soon as you say no and stick to your no, the narcissist will most often move onto an easier target, why everyone needs to recognise this, so they can no longer bring others down. When we finally stand up to those narcissists in our lives, their games will no longer affect us as we know what they are doing and why once professionals understand the terms of.
- Love bombing.
- Word salad.
- Blames shifting.
- Divide and conquer.
- Insincere apology.
- Flying monkeys.
- Golden child.
- Scapegoat child.
- Forgotten child.
- No contact.
- Grey rock.
- Narcissistic injury.
- Narcissistic supply.
- Narcissistic rage.
- Counter parenting.
- Smear campaigns.
- Silent treatment.
And why these things are connected and cause.
- Trauma Bonding.
- Self-destructive behaviours.
- Intrusive thoughts.
That’s when they can start helping adults and children overcome narcissistic abuse.
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