Overcoming Narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life coach.
Detaching yourself from the ex.
When you are still attached to a toxic person, some ways to try and turn it around and get over it.
When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem and your trust, your happiness and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic ex and you keep going back.
One minute they can be so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, then they reappear wanting you back, mental abuse has so many effects, whilst you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all they’ve made you believe it’s all your fault.
You have to break the pattern of thoughts within your mind, just like watching the same movie, you know what’s going to happen, you know the end, yet because of the good bits you watch it again, or the same track of music, the more you listen to it the more it sticks in your mind. You might hear different bits from it each time you listen, or you might take different perspectives from it, which is great yet when you’re listening and hearing the same thing over and over again, that’s what you’re hearing and your mind is perceiving and then your mind focuses on it, that song you hear in the morning that gets stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
Your mind and thoughts need interrupting, like when you’re deep in conversation, then someone takes you off-topic and you forget the original point because your mind was interrupted.
With the ex, unfortunately, we sometimes want to change our thoughts, yet because we’ve nothing perceived as more important to focus, stuck on the old dreams instead of finding new ones, we can not shift those thoughts, or we get so stuck and caught up in that woe is me pain mindset, even though we want to we just can not, we have to find ways to make it a must, when it’s a must, when our minds know we must. We then take action to find a way to do this, we then find ways and methods to break our thought process and make our minds work for us rather than against us.
Write down the story you tell yourself, next write the truth. Things like.
We had an amazing connection.
They learnt everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.
They can change,
They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it, what’s different now? Nothing they will not change,
It was my fault they acted that way.
No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.
We could make it work this time.
What’s different this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.
I’ll never find real love.
If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.
2. What would your friend tell you if they knew everything?
Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about your best friend, if the narcissist has cut you off from everybody, think of someone you used to be close to, who was always there for you. ( if the narcissist has cut you off, reach out to them, they may help.) then witness the whole relationship in its entirety through their eyes.
They would tell you, this person is bad for you, they are toxic, they have mental problems if they know about narcissism they may tell you that. ( if they told you before, believe them now, reach out to them, they told you because they care.) so tell yourself exactly what they would tell you.
3. What would you tell someone if they were going through what you are now?
Think of a couple you know, if one of those were treating the other how the narcissist was treating you, what would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. You’d be telling them to run the other way.
So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.
When you are in it, your mind creates all sorts of story’s, with the help of twisted words from the narcissist, when you step away from it, tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.
4. What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?
Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year, the pattern keeps cycling, you’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future, by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do, without having the ex to answer too.
5. Remember you don’t really love them. Even if you thought you did.
obsession, trauma bond and attachment to anyone is not love. It’s intense, it’s mistaken for love, you think it’s love it’s not love. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows, it’s not love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?
Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind “ it’s not love. It is an addiction, it’s not love. It is an addiction.”
6.stick to boundaries and no contact.
Set boundaries and stop all contact, Grey rock if they still see the children. At the start it’s going to be really hard, you will have withdrawals, keep going it gets easier. Do it now, you have to go through the withdrawals no other way, it’s far better to do it now, than in ten years time, after withdrawals you will reclaim your happiness.
7. Discover a new passion for you.
Replace that void, that they leave behind, with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the routine you miss.
8. When you’re having down moments put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you. Look for things you have achieved in life, look for things to be grateful for.
9. When they just pop into your head, acknowledge they have, then tell yourself you’re not interested, find anything you can to remove those thoughts. Watch something funny, Listen to something good, call a friend, start making plans for your future, whatever it takes to reprogram your mind, you can and you will.
Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their, best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you.
Hello I’m Liz, and I get the pleasure to raise five incredible boys, I have three with the ex-husband, who’s just unique, and my youngest two with the ex-narcissist, wanting to raise as much awareness as possible about narcissist personality disorder, and ways to recover, so hopefully people know the signs so don’t get involved in the first place, get out safely, help with all the counter parenting the narcissist throws in, help with whoever the narcissist is in your life, and help with recovery so you can move past it and have an incredible life.
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