Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Those who’ve spent time around a narcissist, will already know all to well just how confusing they can be, just how confusing your life becomes, slowly losing your own perceptions and reality, how manipulating they are and how they can straight out lie often believing their own lies, with you believing their lies as they are so convincing in what they do.
This is how they play the victim and twist reality.
The narcissist will project any unhealed parts of themselves onto others, as they simply will not and can not take responsibility for their own actions, they don’t like how they are empty, they need approval and seek attention, they are pathologically envious and jealous of those around them, they will fabricate, distort, lie, triangulate and blame shift any of their own wrongdoings onto others. This creates an alternative or false reality in the narcissist’s own mind.
If they say someone is jealous, they are jealous.
If they say someone is cheating, they are cheating.
If they say someone is insecure, they are insecure.
If they say someone was cruel to them, they were cruel to that person.
If they say their exes are crazy, look at the common denominator.
They want to pass all their faults onto others.
How to disarm, do not give them your sympathy or empathy, you can not control what others say and do, you can not help them, you can give yourself your own reality check and be kind to yourself first.
Gaslighting, they use this as a way to psychologically manipulate others into losing their own reality and taking the narcissists reality on as their own. Another way to escape the true reality of their own by making others believe their false reality thus them believing their own false reality themselves.
How to disarm, if you’re still with them, if they are a family member, write down what was said and if in doubt look at it. If you have children they still see, keep everything via messages or email so you have it all in writing.
They are compulsive liars, it’s a defensive mechanism, even if you have evidence they will lie through their teeth to get out of it, find some way to blame others or why it was all your fault.
How to disarm. Look for facts, if they are bare face lying with evidence in front of them, remember they can not accept responsibility, they can not be accountable, give yourself the answers.
Delusion and Denial.
A narcissist person can feel shame for the things they do, however, they don’t want to feel this shame so they project their shame into others by blame shifting to escape accountability and avoid taking any responsibility. To avoid them feeling any form of emotions like guilt and remorse. As a coping mechanism, they delude themselves and those around them to avoid any painful emotions, that their own reality is the only reality and it’s real, even though it isn’t.
Their reality is often truly seen by them that way, even at times when it isn’t, they tell themselves and others their reality that much their own subconscious believes it to be real. They have to create a story in their own heads perceived in the only way they want to see it, which is everything is always someone else fault and never their own, the more this goes around their head the more they believe it to be true, why their stories are so convincing even when things don’t quite add up.
How to disarm. Write down what they told then write down your reality.
How they will tell the story to others.
Even good people have their limits and can react and react badly, this is reactive abuse this occurs when the victim finally snaps, they might scream or shout in anger, throws insults or lash out at the abuser, abusers are known to try and push others for this reaction. Once they have the reaction they will twist the story so the real victim is the abuser and the narcissist can play the victim.
They will use this against you forever more, some will even film it to go to the police against you.
If you reacted at any point during a domestic violent relationship, where they were controlling you, then twisting everything into you, then you feel as you’re to blame whilst they escape all accountability, this does not make you a narcissist, this is further manipulation from the narcissist, the keyword is REACT. You reacted to someone who knows all your weaknesses so they can turn everything onto you.
How to disarm. In any future communication, retreat, rethink and then only respond if you truly need to do so.
Smear campaigns and your character annihilation.
You might remember the story’s they told you about the ex’s, they most likely will not have wanted you talking to any ex’s because of course, they’re all crazy, having empathy you sympathise with them about just how horrible it is another person could treat someone this way.
This is what they will be doing to you, everything they did to you, any reaction you gave they will be twisting all the facts into their own reality and blaming you.
They will often leave without closure, so when you call and message they’ll show the new partner, friends and family as evidence you’re stalking them and they’re such a good catch that you want them back. Missing out the part they just up and left you and moved straight in with someone new.
If you try to explain to the new partner, they’ll have been fed so many lies just like you once were that it’ll confirm in the new partner’s mind that you’re trying to split them up.
Or they’ll triangulate you both, so you both work harder to win them back, play you off against each other, they know you’ve taken them back before and are trauma bonded so they’ll bread crumb you into believing you have a chance, they be telling the new how bad they feel for leaving you and perhaps they should give you another chance, so you both without knowing fight each other to keep hold of a toxic manipulator.
How to disarm, leave them to it, focus on who you are and who you want to be, their story’s fall apart when you don’t look like the crazy ex and you begin to look happier without them.
When it comes to children, some will just up and leave the children, explaining to others how you will not let them see the children. Others will play so many mind games with the children, fail to see them when they are supposed to, say horrible things to the children so that you have to choose no contact, they will them blame you to all others for not allowing the children to see them. They will happily drag you onto the court, whilst you lose sleep worrying about it all and the effects of the children not seeing them, to the effects on the children when they are around them is heartbreaking.
How to disarm. Keep as much written evidence on everything you can and be prepared. Set time aside to deal with court paperwork, they focus on being positive around the children.
Observe don’t absorb.
When you truly pay attention to the words that fall from their mouths you’ll know all those times you couldn’t work out what was happening, they were talking rubbish to you, from backhanded compliments.
“You’re hair looks better like that than it did before.”
“I didn’t think you’d get the promotion, congratulations.”
“You look pretty when you have makeup on.”
“If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.”
“I’m not controlling, you’re trying to control me.”
“If you’d had done what I asked, it wouldn’t have happened”
“You know what I’m like in a morning, you should have left me alone.”
“If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”
“It’s not my fault your too sensitive.”
“You’re crazy, you need help.”
“I never said that.”
“I told you last week, you must be losing your mind.”
A narcissist can not accept themselves for who they truly are, they believe they are above and better than all others. They are either unwilling or unable to see faults within themselves, so they will make their own reality and do their best to make sure those around them believe them. They convince themselves that their reality is a fact.
They need validation from others to keep their own insecurities and faults deeply hidden.
People who’ve been close with a narcissist, get hurt, emotionally, psychologically, socially, financially and sometimes physically. They simply do not care, they will turn whatever they do to you, onto you, so they can escape all accountability.
You communicate on a gallon level, with empathy, compassion, understanding of others perceptions, caring, thoughtful and forgiving. They only understand they are the only person that matters.
You look for the middle ground and compromise, They are not looking for compromise, they are looking to win at all costs to you.
You become less focused on them, less frustrated and start focusing on you.
The disorder is on a spectrum so some you might be able to learn how to disarm them and how to best handle yourself around them.
With other, no contact is the only way forward.