Discard and ending the relationship.
The narcissists discard is often done in the cruellest and sometimes calculating ways, usually when we least expect it or when we felt like we needed them the most; again, this is seemingly done to cause us as much psychological pain as possible, with no closure given, so we often end up chasing them for answers, which often helps with Their Smear Campaign Against Us, we have to leave them to it and find our own closure, we’ll never get honest answers from a narcissist, the closest we’ll get to the truth is the smear campaign story’s they told us about what others have done to them, which is often what the narcissist did to the other person.
When we end the relationship as hard as it is, because often, as hurtful as they are, we care, we want to help them. We want to make it work, possibly still googling ( Can a narcissist change.) we believe we should be there for them, our children should have a two-parent household, we should be there for our parents, as society claims it should be, we end the relationship because you know the long term pain of staying is worse than the short term pain of leaving, it’s not done to hurt them, it’s done to save yourself.
The narcissist will Idealise us. When we meet them, they are our soulmates, our perfect match in every way. Our one true love. They lift us so high in that idealisation stage all our dreams are coming true, they like all that we do, they understand us, they even dislike all our dislikes. Life was great.
Then comes the Devaluation Stage, when bit by bit, they take us down. Slowly things change, sending us into a downward spiral of despair and confusion, always questioning ourselves, what we’ve done wrong? What could we do better? How could we change to get that person we met back? Then they’re around playing nice again, to poof, the relationship problems are there too, and we all know that relationships can be fantastic to start and can hit problems. Hence, we accept it as normal, even though our instincts are trying to tell us otherwise. They provoke us by psychological manipulation, mental abuse through gaslighting, provoke arguments, pity plays and Silent Treatments, then blame-shifting it all into us. They are leaving us full of self-doubts, confused, continually changing, walking on eggshells, afraid to speak out, Afraid to be our true self, afraid to leave. Full of insecurities, anxiety’s, heartache, shame, guilt and pain, constantly doubting them, you, reality, and what you can do better.
Their discard hits us hard. As they fill up our human needs for certainty, we’re in a relationship with uncertainty as we never know where we stand with them. Love and connection, growth and contribution as we are constantly changing to meet their needs, always connected in our mind to them, sometimes positive and sometimes negative, significance in a positive way when we’re helping them. Negative when they make us feel so insignificant. We become addicted to them, and it’s no longer the love we feel. It’s trauma bonding and addiction. However, the idealisation stage was an Illusion. And lies created by the narcissist, we lived it, we experienced it, and thanks to the narcissist manipulative devaluation stage, our inner critic cannot help but think the discard was caused by something we did. You did nothing, and if they are Narcissistic or not, no one deserves abuse, mental or physical.
Narcissists will give intermittent rest bites from the devaluation, as they are using us, either because we’re trying our best to please them, they want or need something from us, so they keep us hooked by lifting us out of the water just long enough for us to be grateful, to dunk us straight back under again. Narcissists reward and then punish to reward and then punish to hook their targets. Often why if we let it, the discard is often only ever temporary. Another manipulative illusion by the narcissist, so we are grateful when they return, ignore how much they hurt us, as the narcissist will have told us, “you made me do it.” Only for them to take us down again and discard again until we finally wake and make the hard decision to say no more, they’re toxic, work on recovery and go no Contact.
Then they discard us like we meant nothing to them. Why do they do this? The word discard means to get rid of something that is no longer of use to us. They throw you away in the cruellest and calculated way often as they have a new supply that they can use. To a narcissist, we are an appliance, and when they believe we are faulty or no longer serving them, they discard us, as we would a broken toaster.
The discard is also done hideously; they often move straight on and flaunt the new partner any way they can, giving us no closure. Any relationship breakup is painful; people who are not narcissistic can act out in hurtful ways. With narcissists, there is a behavioural pattern from idealisation, devaluation, discard smear campaigns and most Hoover. There often is vindictiveness throughout the relationship with a narcissist, and this most often not always continues after the relationship has ended. Some will cut us off completely, and some will continue to contact us and give us the beliefs we could get back together. Some play hideous games. They most often want to humiliate and destroy us after the discard, with more lies and smear campaigns as they protect themselves from releasing the shame by playing the victim or the hero to others yet never the villain. The actual victim is usually left deep in depression with anxiety and fears running deep, most often blaming themselves, while the narcissistic person swans into the sunset with your self-esteem, self-love, self-trust, life, home and belongings in tatters. They might threaten you, stalk you, intimate you any way they can, provoke you any way they can. They will use all your weaknesses and fears against you.
They discard for a few reasons. The main one is they’ve usually found an easier source of supply.
1. The one where they don’t actually end it, yet they disappear without a word. The long-absent silent treatment. We might have worked out something that isn’t right or found out about something they’ve done and asked them about it. A friend has warmed us, or we just know something isn’t right, even though we might not know what. Your instincts are loud, and we’ve stopped saying how high every time they ask us to jump, So they discard us, usually disappearing without a word to upset and confuse you even more
2. We became more aware that something wasn’t right with their treatment of us, our children or others. We still don’t fully understand. We just know that things are not making sense. We don’t like or feel hurt by their behaviour and start showing those we can messages or explain things that have happened to check if we are indeed “crazy.” As the narcissist claims. Just to get some clarification on what’s happening, some validation that our thoughts and feelings are real, it’s not us as the narcissist leads us to believe.
3. We called them out on their behaviour and started creating our boundaries, stopped pleasing them. We may have worked out. Something just isn’t right, as we have empathy, we care and have love for them, so we’re doing all we can to help. They could start a smear campaign against us fast before we start reaching out to others for help. The narcissist will take this criticism that you have turned against them. As to the narcissist people start taking our side, they don’t like this, so they have to leave as they do not take responsibility and never feel as though they are accountable, they will not be held accountable, they believe we’re turned against them just to destroy them, and people are turning against them.
4. We stop giving them emotional responses. We’ve stepped out of the darkness and into the light, we know exactly what they are, what they need and how they destroy us, we no longer fear them, as they require excessive attention, which they are no longer receiving from us, they are going to drop you and run with no closure given.
5. Their games are no longer working on us, we’ve learned to respond and not react, or when they go into silent treatment, you don’t chase them. You simply leave them be.
6. They drained us. They’ve driven us to the depths of despair. We can end up feeling like we no longer want to live, depression, anxiety, can no longer function on a day to day basis, health problems. All caused by the manipulation and abuse we’ve been suffering from at the hands of the narcissist, so many suffer from mental breakdowns due to the abuse they received at the hands of a narcissist. When this happens, the narcissist will not help us. As We are no longer meeting any of their needs, they are no longer the centre of attention.
7. They are no longer getting any reactions from you. We are now the ones in extreme need of help and support. They simply do not want to. With their lack of empathy, they can not care for us on a genuine level. They will only help us if they have something to gain, like looking good for someone else, playing the unfortunate victim of how tiring it is to have to help us. Playing the hero of how good to us they are. Meanwhile, they are the very person sinking us. They took everything from us, and we hit rock bottom, so we no longer have anything to offer them, as they don’t want to help us. They’ve taken our mental health and our physical health, drained us financially, we’re stressed and depressed with anxiety. They drain us, so there’s nothing left of us.￼ Then they up and leave us.
8. They’ve found a replacement, they might have had countless affairs in the past, yet now they managed to idealise someone new who’s only giving them the attention they believe they deserve, or we called them out on the affair. They had nowhere else to go, the new is happily filling their cup full of holes up, believing they’ve met the one, and the lies the narcissist is telling them about us, the new isn’t questioning their behaviour, and the narcissist finds it easier being with the new. While it’s going good with the new, they will up and leave, we have to be careful, though, when there relationship goes the same way as it did with us, and it will one day, the narcissist has a disorder. You can not take the disorder out of them, and as nothing is ever their fault, they don’t see a reason to change their negative toxic behaviour, so when the news doesn’t work out, most will come back to hoover you.
How can they do this? It is a question most people ask. They simply do not have the empathy to care for anyone other than themselves. Do they miss you? It is often a question I get asked. The answer is no, not in the way we miss those we cared or care for. They might get to a point when they see you doing better, so they feel jealous or envious towards you, so they come back for the hoover to use you again. It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship finally. Once you know all about NPD, most often you go. Some have doubts, is it me? And I might try one more time. Most often, that will be the last.
They hoover. If they can triangulate the ex’s and new supply to get them both to please the narcissist and beg for the narcissist’s attention, there is no winner in this other than the narcissist. The best thing you can do for yourself and the new partner or ex-partner of theirs is taking yourself out of the equation and leave the partner to work it out for themselves, and they too are hooked, so they will not listen to reason from you.
When you take them back, it’s always temporarily, and their behaviour gets worse the more they get away with it. They never come back because they love you. It’s never about you, and it’s always to use you in any way they can.
How do you recover?
Due to the possible Trauma bonding through all the highs and lows with the narcissist. Alienated from friends and family, left with CPTSD, you may also have anxiety and health problems, your energy levels may have been drained, you’ve lost who you are, your self-worth, self-love, trust, money, homes, and so much more, the narcissist discard can be incredibly painful and cruel, and most often when you need them the most. However, not always, as although you haven’t known or seen all the mental abuse, you’ve most often been isolated from support, so they are the ones you turn to for support, not that they genuinely ever give it. Trying to understand who they even were, trying to understand what’s actually happened, isn’t an easy process. It gets easier, and life gets much happier once you break that trauma bond, build yourself back up and become happy again.
It’s not an easy or straightforward journey recovering from narcissist abuse. More and more secrets and lies come out as you start, lots of things to learn and put into place, looking deep and healing deep within yourself, however with the right steps, it is possible.
Tony Robbins six human needs and how to use these to help with your recovery.
The need for Certainty to feel safe and secure, ways to refill it positive.
- Set yourself small tasks at first and
Make sure you complete each one.
- Start new routines, either a 10 minute one in the morning or evening, then slowly add more each day.
- Eating healthy, starting small, baby steps, exercise, meditation or yoga.
- Set small achievable goals to start. It’ll give you the self-belief, confidence and drive to keep going.
- Start an online course, college or uni, read books that fill you with knowledge.
- Have a backup plan for different outcomes.
- Set a time for yourself, if that’s getting up earlier or however you can give yourself some time to relax each day.
- Join support groups, reconnect with friends and family.
The need for Uncertainty, feeling different, challenged, change, surprises. You might be filling the need heavily, a little too heavy at the start, how to fill it positively.
- Read new books, learn something different.
- Step out of your comfort zone, start smiling at others, walk a little further, order something difficult, try a new meal, try a new restaurant.
- Take a risk on something that could turn out positive.
- Travel somewhere new.
The need for love and connection. The need to feel togetherness, compassion and warmth.
- Becoming none judgmental of yourself.
- Learning to be who you are and love who you are.
- Learning to trust and tune into your instincts.
- Being kind and helpful to others.
- Not judging others.
- Reading with your children.
- Support groups who are positive and understanding.
- Being supportive of others and none judged of others.
- Helping others out.
- Letting that car pull out in front.
- Opening or holding a door for a stranger or someone you know.
- Doing something kind for someone else that no one knows about.
The need for significance. To feel important, needed, special, unique.
- Finding the meaning of your life.
- Providing for others the best you can.
- Helping others out, giving back,
- Making contributions to others.
- Giving to charity.
- Support others.
- Helping out at school or with charity,
- Become a better version of yourself.
- The way you dress.
The need for contribution. Giving, leaving a mark, helping, serving, contributing to others.
- Contributing beyond yourself.
- Serving others at work.
- Helping others online offering support.
- Doing good deeds for others.
- Brightening someone’s day with a smile or a joke.
- Looking after your children.
The need for Growth. Developing, strengthening, learning.
- Reading books.
- Listening to motivational videos.
- Learning about narcissism and how to handle them.
- Having a career change.
- Starting a new job.
- Becoming a better person.
- Working out.
- Learning new things.
There are plenty of positive ways to fulfil your human needs in positivity ways, and some things like learning new things or exercise can meet three of these to get you positivity addicted. Remember, you are worthy, you do deserve more, you are beautiful, caring and kind.
Most people who recover from narcissistic abuse learn all about narcissism. Not only will it fill a lot of your human needs, but it also helps you understand what you went through and how to handle them, why they do what they do. While learning all about who they are and what they do, you must also start to use your present-day to work on your future and where you’d like to be six months from now.
- Grieve the loss, cry, set a time limit, one day/ two days.
- Write out the false reality and write in the true reality. To give yourself the closure, they’ll never give closure, and they will only ever blame shift onto you, making you feel worse.
- Remember the bad they put you through.
- Focus on the positives of why life will be better without them.
- Work on your anxiety triggers.
- Create new routines.
- Any doubt, tell the story as if it happened to someone you really cared about. What advice would you tell that person?
- Work on your mindset. It was not your fault, and you are lovable. You are worthy
- Work on filling your human needs up in other more positive constructive ways, things like joining support groups help you by helping others learn about the experience helps you, this fills contribution, growth, connection, if once you’ve learned it, you’re no longer interested learn something new keep growing who you want to be.
- Create new routines to full certainty.
- Try new activities and hobbies.
- Learn your standards, your belief system and your boundaries.
- Make sure you rest and take care of your needs.
14. Laugh, find your sense of humour, whatever that is to you and own it.
We are all individuals. We take the steps in our own timescale and our own order. What works for one may not work for another. Keep going, keep learning, keep growing, be exactly who you want to be for yourself in the present moment, and keep updating your mindset to create who you want to become in the future. Reach out to others, whether that to receive help or give help, most people in the world want to help, and most people want to be helped.
A cheating narcissist not giving closure.
Why a narcissist will not give closure.
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For the free course.
To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.
All about the narcissist Online course.
The narcissists counter-parenting.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
A relationship with a narcissist.
The rollercoaster ride of recovery.