Narcissists and their flying monkeys.
The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. ’The wizard of oz.’ when the witch sent out her flying monkeys to do her dirty work for her.
Flying monkeys are people who act as a third party on behalf of the narcissist to further abuse the narcissist’s target.
Flying monkeys can be anyone, the narcissist’s parent, child, partner, friend, yours or theirs, any family members.
Although the narcissists’ main partner gets most of the manipulation, and the narcissist gets the most positive and negative attention and reactions from their primary partner, they need others to gain the attention they believe that they deserve as they feel entitled, to manipulate, triangulate, use people as pawns and get others to do their dirty work, no one is exempt, from those things, be it partner, friends, family, children, parents, brothers, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, work colleagues, and acquaintances, even if these people and those around them don’t see it.
Most narcissists will have an army of supporters to help with them getting control over others. They want and expect everyone to look up to them, respect them, and take on their views. They want to copy character traits from us and pass them onto others as their own, and they want people to back them up when needed, to counteract others’ truths about them and keep their lies going. Most people unwittingly become a flying monkeys, either because they’ve been manipulated into believing the narcissist’s lies, or they have so much fear placed in them by the narcissist they turn to the human defence mode of fawn, meaning they will comply with the narcissist for a great fear of what would happen to them if they did not.
The narcissist wants others to carry out orders. Flying monkeys will spread gossip, lie, threaten you, stalk you, often with the narcissist seemingly looking like they have nothing to do with it. Abuse by proxy.
Those on the higher end of the spectrum will have plenty of people who speak highly of them. Some on the lower end of the spectrum will have plenty who say they’re the wrong one but don’t fully know why.
The narcissist wants to take control of your friends and family to switch to their side. As the narcissist turns on the charm to them, some might see straight through it. Most will not. They want your friends and family turned against you and believing them. They need your friends and family to be on their side, so when the inevitable devaluation, discard, and smear campaigns start against you, you’ve got no one to turn to for support, and they all believe the narcissist. They think you are the one lying, exaggerating or going crazy, making it harder for you to break free and easier for the narcissist to swoop back in and save you. With those around believing how wonderful they are, to not only put up with you but to still want to help you.
During the idealisation stage of the relationship, they find it easy to turn your friends against you. They might be your friends, and then they’ll be friends to both of you, then they’ll help the narcissist with the smear campaign, so you are not only left hurt from the narcissist, but you are also hurt by your friends and family.
Please remember, most have just been manipulated, as you once have been.
The narcissist wants the world to know what a decent person they are, how loving, kind, supportive, caring, and generous, they want the world to know their reality only and that people will support them, they don’t want others knowing the truth, they are extremely convincing with their lies, as to most their lies are their truths, they rewrite history to suit the story they want to sell to those around them, where all others are to blame, and they are the innocent party. With their lack of cognitive reflections, once the narcissist has made their story, it’s their truth, often why they lie so convincingly. However, most narcissists tell different people different versions of events, and this is where they can often trip themselves up, as they are never wrong or never admit to being wrong, they can think they told one person one thing that they didn’t. Then the holes in the narcissists’ web of lies begin to unravel, why the best thing you can do is stay out of it, leave them in the past where they belong, and focus on your future.
Some are dangerous, so you need to call the authorities.
As the narcissist mirrors people, manipulates people, and takes the good qualities of people on as their own personality, people will often do what the narcissist wants and needs. They will do favours for them, a lift somewhere, lend money, pick something up for them. The narcissist will find out about as much information as they can from people about their target. The narcissist might have done favours for the flying monkeys, idealisation of the flying monkeys, treating the flying monkeys so well, they believe the narcissist to be a good person, the narcissist, however, always wanting something in return which is to get them to do the narcissists dirty work, the narcissist might also have secrets on the flying monkeys, to manipulate them to conform, so people will do what the narcissist asks.
Flying monkeys will agree with the narcissist and disagree with you. They will triangulate people against each other. They will favour the narcissist.
The narcissist might even have someone that you know nothing about to suddenly appear in your life after you’ve gone no contact to give the narcissist more information.
They might have turned one person who knew you initially against you, and that person will now fill the narcissist in. They are the ones who give the narcissist your new phone number, your address, and any information. Anything you say to them, they’ll stick up for the narcissist with. “ why don’t you try this.” Or “ you don’t know how much they do for you.” Or “you must be mistaken.”
A narcissist will often have a new partner lined up. Be it one of your friends or neighbours to someone you don’t know, and they will smear you to them. They will get them to help with their smear campaign against you in any way they can.
Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.
They will use siblings against each other, parents, work colleagues and friends. Whoever the narcissist is in your life, they will have someone to go to while they leave you in the cold.
Recovery from toxic relationships.
When you are still attached to a toxic person, another way to try and turn it around and let the past hurt and pains go.
It can be hard if they’re turning everyone against you. The best thing you can do is leave them all to each other and create a better life for yourself.
Whether the narcissist was your parent, partner or friend, they have a way of pulling you back in, to push you back out.
When you know someone is so bad for you now, so bad for your self-esteem and your trust, your happiness and your future, yet you just can not get over that toxic negative person, and you keep going back to them, giving them a chance after chance, for them to hurt you all over again.
Like one minute they can seem so loving, so kind, they next they stab you in the back, then they up and leave, suddenly they reappear wanting you back, this causes the trauma bond, it is like weaning yourself off a drug. Mental abuse has so many effects, and while you are in it, you don’t even see it happening. Worst of all, they’ve made you believe it’s all your fault.
- Write down the story you are telling yourself, and then next to it, write the truth things like.
- We had an amazing connection.
They learned everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.
- They can change.
They’ve said they’d change so many times and never managed it. What’s different now? Nothing they will not change,
- It was my fault they acted that way.
No one deserves to be manipulated and abused.
- We could make it work this time.
What is different from this time to last? Nothing, we can never make it work as they do not love or care for me.
- I’ll never find real love.
If I go back to them, it’ll take longer to find real love, as they don’t love me.
2. What would you tell your friend if they were telling you everything their parents, partner, etc., had put them through?
Detach yourself from the story you’re telling yourself, then think about someone you love living it,
Would you tell them? That who they are dealing with is toxic. What would you be telling them right now when that narcissist comes swooping back for them. Would you be telling them to run the other way? If it’s your parent or a close friend, what would you be telling someone if their parent was treating them the way yours does you?
So now tell yourself to keep moving forward in your life, leaving them in your past.
When you are in it, your subconscious mind creates all sorts of stories with the help of twisted words from the narcissist. When you step away from it, consciously tell your mind the truth and keep telling it the real story.
3. What’s the reality of staying or going back to them?
Think about if you stay, or go back, what it’ll be like in six months, one year. The pattern keeps cycling. You’ve already been around it before. Start giving yourself a better future by thinking about how happy you will be, everything you can do without having the narcissist to answer to.
4. Remember, they don’t really love you. Even if you thought they did, or perhaps you still think they do, you are entitled to care about them.
Obsession, trauma bonding and attachment to anyone are intense. It is those chemicals your body has released because of those highs and lows, and it’s not real love. Are those highs really worth the lows and the doubts?
Start telling yourself over and over until it sinks into your mind, “ It’s not real love. It is an addiction, and it’s not real love. It is an addiction.”
5. stick to boundaries and No Contact.
Set boundaries and stop all contact, grey rock, if you still see them. At the start, it’s going to be really hard. You will have withdrawals. Keep going. It gets easier. Do it now, and you have to go through the withdrawals no other way. It’s far better to do it now than in ten years’ time. After withdrawals, you will reclaim your happiness.
6. Discover a new passion for yourself.
Replace that void they leave behind with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, and it’s the routine you miss.
7. When you’re having down moments, put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you, do yoga, meditation or exercise, watch something funny that makes you laugh.
Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you. You can, and you will recover from this.
Flying monkeys.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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Trauma Bond.
Smear campaign.
Great advice in this whole article…friendships with narcissists, it always seems like you’re losing so much but you just have to remember…
“We had an amazing connection.”
No–
They learned everything about me, mirroring me, and faked it all.
Narc’s can be quite funny once you have them figured out. There’s a narc whose social media I periodically check just for the entertainment value…even on her social media you can see her many faces, pandering, pretending to like different things depending on the audience and who she’s trying to trick into being her friend. For example, on one page, on her TikTok, she pretended to be a die-hard Harry Potter fan and posted about loving Harry Potter, Harry Potter-related fan things. On her other page, her Twitter, she attacked JK Rowling and urged a boycott of the books in favor of Percy Jackson. This was after JK Rowling came out with her views on transgenderism. She posted that everyone should boycott Harry Potter on Twitter while posting pro-Harry Potter stuff on TikTok literally at the same time, right after she said to boycott. She’s so fake it’s hilarious. She also pretends to like sports bc she thinks it makes her seem cool to guys. Haha.