The narcissists’ hoover.
A narcissist may or may not hoover. With some, it can be days, others weeks or years, some might not bother, especially if you do strict No Contact, and you’ve raised your boundaries so high, they can no longer touch you. Even with excellent no contact in place, some will find a way to get in touch with you.
The hoover, Is named after the vacuum cleaner brand, ￼hoover, as the narcissist only wants to suck you back in, and once they have achieved this, once their own selfish needs have been met, they will then treat you like dirt again and Discard you all over again, like emptying the dirt of the hoover, I prefer the re-idealisation stage, as we are worth so much more. Than what a narcissist had us believe we are worth.
A narcissist sees us and uses us as an appliance. As part of their disorder is to exploit others, they have no shame reaching out to Exes if they need somewhere to live, need to borrow some money. As another part of the disorder is requires excessive attention, they will reach out to exes if they need to Triangulate and make someone else jealous and work harder for the narcissist’s attention. If they’re feeling too lazy to find someone new, they will Hoover an ex. Where some people can look to get back together with a narcissist, this is often done due to the Trauma Bond and wanting the Illusion back that the manipulative narcissist fed them in The Idealisation stage, wanting to help the narcissist, wanting the family unit together. Fear of being alone. A narcissist just wants to use, abuse and then Discard again.
If you managed to get out, or if they discarded you, with Anxiety. With the trauma bond and possible CPTSD, we are left with endless wounds, self-doubts, insecurities and vulnerabilities that we must heal and overcome. It can feel like a long, hard, incredibly draining journey at times, but please stick with it. It will become so much easier. You will get there, and you will find your happiness again. It just takes work from you.
With the trauma bond, we are weaning ourselves off a drug. Those around you that haven’t been through it will not understand, so join support groups of people who have been there. Any question you ask, someone will have been through the same or very similar, it’ll help you to understand you’re not alone, to stop doubting and start believing in yourself, gain clarity in what you’ve been through. Also, you are far from alone in how you think and feel.
Narcissistic relationships cause a whole lot of damage that we have to heal. If you have children with the narcissist, it’s a greater challenge as you can not just cut the narcissist out. Also, the narcissist will be using those children to further their manipulative destruction of you.
As part of the disorder is a lack of empathy, why they can seemingly hurt you and their own children without care. They will not give you answers or closure about what happened. They want to keep us confused if they know they are doing it or not, which is debatable. Some do things with great calculation. Others, it’s just instinct. So the best step for us is to research the narcissistic personality disorder, to give ourselves more understanding of what we have been through and who we are dealing with, and provide ourselves with closure while working on a brighter future for ourselves.
It’s not all your fault. No matter what you do, no one deserves that kind of abuse, so no matter how many times they blame you, you need to remove that thought from your mind. They are responsible for their own actions. You did not make them do it.
You most likely, as so many of us do, changed yourself so many times to suit the narcissist, walking on Eggshells around them, until you lost who you were to try to make the relationship work with the narcissist, to get that illusion of the person you met back. With the fact they Gaslighting us into believing any issues within the relationship is our doing, and then they offer that intermittent play nice to confuse us all the more.
When you know about narcissism, Some of us can be waiting for the hoover, even though you’ve possibly been back before, just to validate they are a narcissist. Narcissistic or not, abuse is abuse, mental or physical, so you need to get out and stay out.
If it’s before you have recovered or after you have recovered, you may suddenly get a message from the narcissist, or if you have children with them, they might unexpectedly change how they talk to you. When they do this, you may feel so many emotions from anger to guilt, and your self-confidence might go, you may wonder what they will try next. You might still question if they are indeed a narcissist, and your self-doubt might creep back in.
You may think right now that there is no way you’d get back together with this person. Or you might still have the trauma bond and want them back. Unfortunately, they are extremely good at what they do, and most people have gone back at least once, often a lot more than once, especially if you didn’t know what they were. We do, however, learn, and at some point, we break free, and we stay free.
Remember the narcissist, does not respect boundaries or rules; they do not respect you; they are never accountable; they are always right. As part of the disorder is arrogance and dominance, they believe they should have all control and all power. They think they own you and should be able to have you back whenever they choose. It’s never about you, and it’s always what the narcissist wants. They believe they are entitled to have what they want when they want, and they can throw almighty tantrums from the Silent Treatment. to the rage to try and exploit others and get their own way.
As soon as we fall for one of their manipulative tactics, they have got what they need. They only come back to get what they need from you or a relationship, then they up and leave, they discard all over again.
If you’ve not had any form of a Hoover, you may question yourself as to whether they are a narcissist as they are not reaching out. In all the hoover ways, you’ve heard that narcissistic people do try to suck you back in.
If they have five of the Nine Characteristics, they are most likely on the narcissist personality disorder spectrum. If they were abusive, no matter what their personality type, abuse is abuse, and there is no excuse. Narcissistic personality disorder Is one of many readers behind those on the disorders ways of living. It’s not an excuse. Safely get out and safely stay out.
Some narcissists are simply far too lazy to hoover, like those who didn’t work as they are far too lazy, although if they think it’s easy enough, they will try to hoover.
As part of the disorder is an entitlement, narcissistic people believe they are entitled to have what they want when they want, and with their lack of genuine empathy to care for those who care for them, they don’t care for who they hurt in getting their needs met. As they believe they are above all others and special, most will convince themselves. They could have you whenever they want you.
When you’ve not been hoovered, it can leave you confused as to why the narcissist hasn’t.
You may actually want them to hoover, so you can have it out with them about what’s happened. This will only end up with you feeling worse, as they’ll not give closure. They’ll twist into an Argument you knew nothing about. You may want to lash out at them for how they’ve treated you, this only helps their ego, and they will twist the words to play victim to others.
You may want closure. They’ll never give it to you. You’ll only feel worse, work on yourself; instead, you’re inner happiness and giving yourself closure.
You may want the hoover to happen, as you’re still in the trauma bond, you’ve not yet worked on yourself to get over them, and still believe you can help them and make it work. You can not use this time to work on yourself.
You may want to let them know you know Exactly What They Are. This isn’t worth it. They only believe in their own reality. Instead, take your newfound knowledge to stay away from these negative people.
You may want them to hoover, so you can prove how strong you are, and tell them where to go, you are strong, moving forwards with your own life proves that and they may not be Hoovering as they recognise how strong you are, so would they would prefer to dream that you’d always go back, but not risk their own ego by trying.
They owe you money, or they left their Belongings. You may want to sort financial things out or try to get some belongings back if they have yours. They can do this is. Hence, you communicate to them, cut your losses￼, if you can, or ask a friend to retrieve any belongings, sort out your own finances as hard as that can be, the narcissist will not be accountable, and they will not help. They’ll just enjoy the attention, same as belongings, just chuck their out, as hard as that can be.
Depending on where the narcissist is on the spectrum, some have an awareness of this, so they are not forthcoming with the hoover, as they are waiting for you to make the first move to get in touch with them.
Provoke for attention. Sometimes, they carry on the games to destroy you, the negative hoover. They are enjoying the negative reactions, so they’ll be flaunting the New Partner, playing happy families with children that are not biologically theirs, while completely ignoring their own, which is why it’s vital not to give them any reactions, so they will eventually leave you alone.
Stalking. They may be stalking you, including your social media with false accounts, to see what their chances are and if it’s worth their time.
They may have called you or message you but not respond when you picked up or messaged back. They just wanted the tone of your voice or to see if you’d keep trying to message them back. This is a hoover of gaining emotions and testing the waters.
Flying Monkeys. They may have gotten one of their flying monkeys to get in touch with you again to see what your response is. Also, to see if it’s worth their time trying to hoover you.
If you’re giving them attention anyway, you may be still constantly contacting them for answers that they feel no need to hoover, as they are getting your attention anyway.
It might be too soon, and they have someone else meeting their needs. It could be years before they come for the hoover.
They may be too consumed in hoovering an ex before you.
You have managed to stay clear of them, avoiding them of all costs, so you’re no longer on their radar to try and hoover you.
You may have made the steps to cut all contact, block all flying monkeys, and they are unable to try and hoover you. This no contact is by far the best option for you, and no hoover makes it far easier for you to move onto a much better life.
Whatever the reason they are not coming for the hoover, be grateful. It makes healing and becoming happy again so much easier.
Those who have been hoovered would love to find themselves in this position, to be able to just get on with their lives, freely without those reminders and missed calls,
These are a few common examples of how a narcissist might hoover.
The Message; if you are in contact over the children, they might change how they message you. They might start being reasonable, asking if your ok, what your doing, send a photo of you and the children. If you don’t have children, they might try and email you or use a friend via Facebook if you’ve blocked them. They might set up a false account to contact you, deposit some money via a bank transfer with a short message.
They may suddenly get in touch asking you about a good time you had had together or somewhere you visited together, something you did with the kids, anything to bring up good memories. We can then start to reminisce, and again it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact. If you’ve reached a better, happier place, you are allowed to remember the good. You lived those moments, yet recognise the reality of the relationship in its entirety, not better than it was and not worse than it was, just as it was. How you truly feel when around them.
Narcissists do this to test the waters and their chance of getting you back. They’re waiting to see what responses they get from you. They can either leave you be if no response from you, try other messages, or lose the friendly tone and insult or invalidate you to get a reaction from you. You may feel lonely. You may want answers, closure, to communicate, compromise. You may wish to that apology. You’ll not get a genuine one. Don’t do it, no reaction, no contact, often. If you react negatively, they will accept this also and use all they can to hit you with more messages to get those reactions from you.
The gift. Out of nowhere, they send you a nice gift, leaving us with questions we might message to thank them, which then start the conversation back up, and the narcissist can try to gaslight you back into their drama of illusions and manipulative lies.
The gift is just a game to the narcissist. It’s just a trick. Remember, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so. The best approach is no approach, no reaction, no contact, their admiration face has come out to play, to suck you back in as you have something they want, keep your borders up and keep them away from your territory. If you’re feeling weak, which a lot do until recovered, write down all other times they played nice, you showered them back with attention, then what happened? Did it cycle back to the end? Start journaling about each and every good thing you’ve achieved since you split up, no matter how big or small, to remind yourself why you need to stay free.
If you still see them in person, they might start telling you how much they have missed and love you, that you are their soulmate, and they see this now. You, like so many others, might think things will be different this time. It will not. No reaction, no contact. Just respond with. “That’s interesting,” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” If face to face. Tell them, “I don’t feel that way.” And leave it at that. You do not need to explain why to them, and you need to know your why? As to why you will not go back? If you can not remember in a moment of weakness and most have those moments have them written down to remind you, at the same time have positive things written down as to what you are going to do with your life now you are free. Take action to achieve your new goals and dreams.
The accidental contact, they may bump into you somewhere, or they may send you a message then pretend it was for someone else. You might then start to think about them again. Stop no reaction, no contact. Just as you might have finally evicted them from running around your mind rent-free, and that, most likely took time and self-work to do so, then suddenly boom they are back, you are allowed to think about them, don’t question if they have changed, instead think they have a disorder, one that you did not cause, one that you can not change, and one you can not control, it’s how they are, however, you can take back control of your thoughts, give yourself ten minutes or however long you’d like, acknowledge to yourself. “I’m going to reminisce. I know they are toxic. Then I’m going to do????.” And go do something that takes your mind elsewhere, watch something funny, call a friend, read a book, clean, run, do yoga, whatever you enjoy doing for you, and bring all your mind and attention onto that present moment.
They may apologise, the False Apologise, if they say they’ll change, remember you’ve heard it all before, it’s all lies. You might want to clear the air with them, no reaction, no contact. You don’t need to clear the air with them, only yourself. Observe the false apology words for what they indeed are, manipulation to use you again, don’t Absorb, as you’re a good, kind, caring person. Most want to believe their apology. Look for times you have in the past, only for them to hurt you again. An apology without changed behaviour is just further manipulation.
There’s a crisis, the victim pity play, they will use fake illness for themselves or for family members, as they have cognitive empathy, they can think empathetically and use our empathy against us. They just lack in empathy to put themselves in our shoes to relate to how we feel. They know the empathy we have will mean we want to help. That we’d feel guilty if we ignored them. If you receive the crisis message run for the hills, it’s a trick, no reaction, no contact. They are no longer your problem. Ask yourself, ask yourself, would they come to help you if it was the other way around? If you really need to help them, call and inform their family or friends, and leave them to deal with them. It’s ok to be selfish towards those who are never there for you.
They might ask a friend or family member to contact you for them. You might be curious. You might want to not look rude by not replying to their family or friends. Again tricks, lies and manipulation, no reaction, no contact. The best is no response. If you do respond, keep it single. “O.k.” Or “thanks.” Don’t tell them anything about you, as that information shall be fed straight back to the narcissist.
Calling you up to say they’re moving away, I would like to see you one last time before they leave, so you meet up. You’d like closure, and it’s another trick. No Reaction, no contact. If they have bumped into you in person or they have called you from a new number and have you on the phone, just say “thank you, but no.” Do not arrange to meet them.
They will beg, make great promises for the future, tell you they will change, cry, yell, shame, threats, try to guilt trip, blame shift, make false accusations. No reaction, no contact, If you left them, and they win you back. It will be worse as they’ll try to punish you for abandoning them.
They will try being sweet at first, or vulnerable, or add the pity play, and they might act like they are sorry. It’s a lie to hook you in, no reaction, no contact.
If your boundaries are solid and that doesn’t work.
They may tell you that you’re a horrible person.
They may then shift onto how amazing their new partner is, and they don’t need you anyway. Or that they just want the best for you.
Your standing firm and your boundaries are strong. They will go after what matters to you the most and go all out to destroy it. They’ll tell you what a rubbish parent you are, or the no one like you.
They may leave you alone for a while, even years, and then they’ll start all over again.
The narcissist knows how to suck people in, so remember, they are only in it for themselves. They only come back and try the hoover if they believe they can gain something from you. Not because they love or care for you.
Do not fall for their tricks. Keep moving forward, no contact, grey rock, stay strong, enjoy your freedom. Narcissists know they can pull exes back in. That trauma bond lasts, and it is completely normal to want to go back, but you need to remember how bad they made you feel. No reaction, no contact, grey rock.
Create a vision of where you want to be in six months, one year from now, write it down, focus on it, then take steps to get yourself there.
Embrace your loneliness. Your time is now yours, to do what makes you happy, to find what you enjoy, to do things that give you inner joy, have a break and do what you want to do.
Learn to be happy with your own company. Join groups, people with similar interests to your own, find new interests. Volunteer, or give something back. It really helps you. As Charles Dickens said. “ no one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another.” find something you’re interested in that’s creative and do it, even if it’s just singing in the shower.
Be true to yourself, don’t people, please, do what makes you happy, do what feels right for you. Find one thing you are, then take note, then find another, then take note, keep asking yourself, “ what do I enjoy,” “who do I want to be.” “ who am I.”
Work on your Presences. Right now, you need to focus on the moment, focus on today, don’t be distracted by worrying about the past or the future. Live in the here and now. Whatever you are doing at every moment of every day, focus on the task you are doing if you start obsessing about the past. Bring yourself back and concentrate on what you are doing right now.
Keep moving forwards with your life. You’ve got this.
The two sides to a narcissist after no contact.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
A relationship with a narcissist.