The Narcissists Invalidation.

Invalidation happens to anyone who’s in any kind of relationship with a narcissist.

Invalidation is when your, thoughts, feelings, opinions, weight, shape, Job, hobbies, dreams, relationships, it can be a severe as everything about who you are and what you do is rejected, ignored, criticised and judged, by the narcissist.

Invalidation is another form of the narcissist’s manipulation, to take control of us, as we slowly fawn to their demands through their invalidation of us. Narcissists use invalidation to put us down, so we don’t achieve, and they can feel superior.

When we are invalidated over a prolonged period of time especially if it was our parents, but it can be by siblings, friends, teachers, partners etc., we begin to lose trust in our own thoughts and feelings. We lose faith in our own abilities, we end up with low self-esteem, full of self-doubts and often people-pleasing, so others don’t feel the pain we do. We begin to second guess everything we do and what those around us do, thinking everything is our fault, as even their manipulative gaslighting and blame-shifting invalidates our experiences and invalidates our reality. Invalidation makes us feel shame for being our true selves, for having feelings, it makes us close down who we are, for fear of being invalidated.

One of our six human needs is love and connection, to feel like we belong. It’s as essential to our mental health as water is to our physical health. Connecting to others and having a sense of belonging and validation is a core human need.

When we feel validated, we feel understood and accepted by those around us, when we are supportive of each other, when we raise each other up, we feel, heard, seen, worthy, confident, loved, happy and valued.

People who have the empathy to appreciate and understand how another is or could be feeling will validate others, and those who validate others it makes them feel valued when it’s reciprocated. When people acknowledge each other’s thoughts, feelings and opinions, even if they are not their own, or don’t agree, they can understand the other person’s viewpoint, yet be strong enough to hold onto their own viewpoints when needed, while not being dismissive of others.

A narcissist, however, is lacking in empathy, so they are incapable of validating another’s thoughts, feelings or sense of self, as the narcissistic person has deep down hidden insecurities and possibly never felt valued, they try to create this within themselves by invalidating those around them, to feel valued within themselves. By putting others down, this then makes them feel superior, and when they feel superior, they feel valued. Which is the wrong way to go about it as it never truly validates them, they are incapable of connecting to others on a deeper level, incapable of learning from their own mistakes or the mistakes of those around them, as growth is another one of the six human needs. They never grow; they become stuck in that pattern of repeat, hurting others and hurting themselves, contribution is another human need. As they only ever contribute sometimes positive, nonetheless it’s always to meet a need of their own, mostly it’s negative to meet their own needs. They end up feeling even less validation, creating more insecurities, more shame, which they have only learned to burry deep, hide it, mask it, run away from it, shift the blame, deep inside they live in a very woe is me, the world is against me mindset.

How do they invalidate us?

With their lack of empathy they don’t understand on the same level that we do, they can invalidate us without saying a thing, when we try to communicate our thoughts, ideas or feelings with them. We get that blank stare, they are invalidating us, when we try to express our pain and they smirk, this invalidates us, on a subconscious level.

With their arrogance, when we discuss something we would like to do, and they call us “stupid,” or “incapable,” the overt way, or when they say. “Are you sure you want that.” The covert way.

Their entitlement. So when they jump the line, or when they stand tutting and impatient as they expect to be served as soon as they walk into the shop, and you try explaining to them, we get put down, left feeing ashamed. Often we then fear to bring it up again, depending on their reactions the last time we mentioned it.

Grandiose, when you have ideas and plans for your future, and they put them all down, telling you it’s daft, or that’ll never happen, how you’re not capable, it places those doubts in our capabilities, often stopping us from doing the very things we enjoy doing, or if we do and make a mistake, as making mistakes is a part of life it’s how we learn, but that one mistake with their toxic words, their judgments, can make us quit before we even get going, we lose our drive, determination and will-power, as they invalidate us at every turn, to make themselves feel better.

Their need for excessive attention, so if something has happened to you or a loved one, and you go to talk to them about it, they’ll go on and on about something that happened to them far worse or far better. if they’re envious of your achievements, they’ll either take the credit, “You couldn’t have done that without me.” Or they’ll claim you only got that because of outside help. Two people can talk through their own experiences to validate, support and show they understand each other. A narcissist will not be interested in yours unless they can use it against you in the future to provoke a reaction and use that reaction against you. “You don’t trust me? I’ve not done anything, is this because of what your ex put you through, I’m not to blame for your ex, this isn’t about me, is it? This is about you and your past. Your mother, didn’t she abandon you? so now you think I would, that’s your issues, that’s no reason not to trust me?” They will turn your insecurities against you, they’ll not validate and help you, and this is all done to hide whatever behaviour of there is causing you to miss trust them, yet they’ll not admit to that, to them, it’s your feelings that are the problem. Then when they come at us like this, because of our past, their points in our mind become extremely valid, causing more self-doubt, causing us to focus on us, and not their treatment of us. They’ll not use things you wouldn’t be bothered about. They’ll go after the things they know will trigger you.

Invalidation is a form of gaslighting as they deny us our feelings, opinions, ideas, our reality, often to distract us from whatever they are doing to get their needs met.

Some of their manipulation methods and invalidation.

1. The silent treatment is psychological manipulation to control someone else’s mind by causing server psychological and emotional trauma.

One of the most emotionally and psychologically damaging parts of an abusive relationship is their invalidation, when a narcissist has nothing to say to us, goes silent on us, we feel, unimportant, invisible, irreverent, and worthless. We most often don’t understand why or what’s happening, we look for reasons of what we did, we are in the worst psychological and emotional pain. When we reach out, beg, plead, apologise, do all we can to make it up to them, and they still don’t respond, we feel even more worthless.

When they do finally respond, it releases the pain and trauma they put us in, in a negative way, we then perceive this as being heard and feel validated.

This is one of the causes of trauma bonding. Why we start walking on eggshells around them, with the intermittent reinforcement, of their reward, punish, when they move our emotions from excitement to panic and fear, releasing dopamine when we experience those highs and cortisol to help us through the stress of those lows, trauma bonding keeps us emotionally attached to the narcissist, we’ve lived the times when they will raise us high and shower us with attention, so we believe they can, we lived that reality, which gives us the false hope of who they can be and is what causes the cognitive dissonance within our minds, where we feel confused, in a trance a daze. In that fog. Controlled by fear, obligation and guilt. Believing we are depressed or going crazy as all our realities and beliefs are thoroughly mixed up, due to their manipulative treatment towards us, we believe if we can just treat them right, they will treat us right.

This then gets us believing within ourselves, that we are to blame. It’s all our fault because we don’t feel validated, we then falsely believe that their silent treatments, their invalidation of who we are are because of something we did wrong and not that their actions towards us are indeed what makes them in the wrong.

Then our minds get subconsciously trained into believing we must do something to earn validation. It leads us to falsely believe we are in the wrong of someone else doesn’t validate us.

As you are capable of accepting responsibility for things you haven’t even done, you are also more than capable of looking inwards, opening up, healing your inner traumas, learning about yourselves, growing and moving forward to a much happier life.

2. Gaslighting is also a hideous form of psychological manipulation to distort another’s reality, so the narcissist can keep us focused on the reality they want us focused on to distract us for the reality they don’t want us to know about, to get their needs met.

As a narcissist Denys us of our realties, our beliefs, our hopes and our dreams, our experiences, things like, ”that never happened, I never said that you’re just insecure, no one likes you, you’re overacting, you’re mistaken it didn’t happen like that, I’m not talking to you about this, you shouldn’t be angry, it’s all your fault, don’t take things so personally.” It invalidates our reality and our experiences, often leading us to go to them for validation and answers just to end up unwittingly having ourselves invalidate even more.

We slowly believe the false narrative of the narcissist’s toxic words, as it becomes easier for our minds to see it that way, and we feel validated by them when we accept their lies. Our minds believe the truth is harder to see and more painful to handle, so we run from it, when in reality that pain lasts until we face it, once we face it all and deal with it all, accept genuinely what has happened again, connecting with those who’ve lived it we then become validated within ourselves again.

3. Blame shifting, where the narcissist definitely did do something, yet they twist and turn it all around onto you, so they can escape accountability and avoid responsibility.

With the gaslighting and silent treatments our minds have already been trained to look internally at ourselves for blame, the narcissist uses many gaslighting phrases to pass the blame onto us, the silent treatments. Hence, we self blame, or they provoke to get a reaction from us, then downplay or forget what they did and turn it all around to what we did, even if we didn’t do anything, they would find fault.

When someone is always picking faults at your own behaviour, it leaves us questioning what’s wrong with us? Rather than looking at reality, their blame-shifting validates our negative behaviours. No one is perfect we all make mistakes, even with good intentions people can act in negative ways when these are the things that are always brought up, our minds begin to subconsciously look for the negatives, look for the blame, as they never validate the good that we do, we no longer feel good about ourselves, good enough or worthy of others, leaving us with self-doubt, questioning all our behaviours and actions

When our minds are programmed to think in negative ways, we find it increasingly more difficult to find the joys in life, overwhelmed with negative emotions, often causing anxiety and CPTSD.

There are lots of steps to overcome anxiety and CPTSD, another to help with this is reprogramming our subconscious mind to work for us, this takes time and practice, once you can master your own thoughts and emotions life becomes more joyful, it doesn’t mean bad things will not happen, or pain, that those low moments will not hit, it means you’ll be better prepared for how to handle those moments, be able to understand how to make life work for you, so when something happens In a morning like you can not find your car keys and start to think it’s going to be one of those days, then find everything about that day to make it one of those days, you’ll stop and think, find them, call a friend, get public transport, you’ll recognise it’s just a moment in time and doesn’t need to affect the rest of your day, you’ll find methods within your mind to overcome obstacles rather than avoid them, overcome situations, rather than let them bring you down, face the real problems rather than finding other problems.

4. Denial, the narcissist denies us of realities and truths, always lying and hiding things, I’m sure deception is their middle name, and the aim of the game is to invalidate all others, gain control and do as they please, even the breakups the discard is done in such cruel ways to deny us closure, we have to learn to give ourselves the closure that we owe to ourselves. As they leave us to try and work it all out while left in emotional turmoil, they great news is once you do learn about the narcissist personality disorder you can give yourself the closure, even with facts and evidence placed in front of them they will deny, leaving our minds confused, questioning them more, leaving us hurt and angry. At the same time, their sense of self is inflated as they feel important that others want answers, they don’t care for negative attention or positive, attention is attention, what matters to them is when they are ignored, no longer important to others, often why most will seek to destroy those who go no contact.

5. Financial abuse, there are so many ways narcissist financial abuse people. Yet, somehow most control the money, either not wanting you to work, and finding ways. So, you can not, or them not working and playing the guilt card to borrow money and never pay you back, both methods invalidating your security to either have the right to earn or spend money on yourself, invalidating your capabilities of being able to take care of yourself, keeping us trapped for fear we aren’t capable of getting the financial resources to support ourselves.

6. The constant criticism, from how you look, what you wear, your shape, size, hair, they continuously go at any flaws or insecurities that you might have had, they pick us apart bit by bit, from telling us directly. Overt. “You couldn’t do that course.” To the covert “I wouldn’t bother if I was you.” They slowly invalidate how we feel about ourselves, our capabilities, our thoughts, so they can feel better within themselves.

Narcissistic people love to manipulate and invalidate, why most survivors of narcissistic abuse are left afraid to speak out, in case others invalidate them further, yet joining support groups and supportive people, just sit back and observe first make sure they are the right people, once you are ready to open up, you’ll see how you are thinking and feeling after or during a narcissistic relationship is normal. Your thoughts and feelings are incredibly valid.

What we must learn, as hard as it is at times, it’s up to ourselves to make our worlds work for us, to raise ourselves back up, to contribute to ourselves and others in positive ways, to know ourselves well enough to validate ourselves and those around us, so we have the help and support from good people, to achieve what we want from life and when that support network isn’t there, we can give ourselves the get-up and go, we can say no to the naysayers and those who intimidate or invalidate us. We can show them it is possible. For a narcissist to change, they would have to raise their own level of self-awareness face, guilt, pain, insecurities, and so many more, even then they’d only find coping strategies, they would still have the disorder. As they are unable to see any faults or wrongdoings within themselves, it’s highly unlikely. They can falsely change at the moment to meet a need, again that change is only surface level and not getting to the route cause, they are only temporarily changing to manipulate others into getting their own needs met.

There are hurt people who go around hurting people to help themselves feel better. Then there are hurting people who go around helping people as they don’t want others to feel how they feel.

No contact with those who invalidate who you are is the best method to start recovery. Finding people who will validate you until you can start to validate yourself again helps massively.

If you can not go no contact, Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, that one response is for you, you can communicate with them, but you must understand if it doesn’t serve them they are not listening and will seek to take you down, to gain control over you. You, however, are entitled to be who you want to be and think how you want to think, narcissistic people are not looking for compromise as you are, they are looking at everything single-minded and from their way only.

If you respond state your point calmly and once, you do not need to defend your actions, thoughts or feelings to them, and most will try to take you off topic leave them to it, know your point and stick to it. You can only compromise with those who understand give and take.

Let them know if you want that you understand their point of view, yet it’s not for you.

Make sure your behaviour matches your words, once they take you down on one thing, they’ll go for more.

Don’t get angry, yes it’s hard at. First, they want you to be angry; that’s why they are doing what they do.

Creating your inner confidence and self-validation, so you observe others negativity and don’t absorb. Confidence is not something anyone just has; it’s something they create, for themselves.

Not everything is positive; try to find the positive in everything.

Start speaking up for yourself, no more I don’t mind, unless you genuinely don’t about that thing, start doing what you’d like to do for you.

Stop worrying about offending others, be tactful yes, be humble yes, but don’t deny yourself the truth of who you are, with good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way.

Face your fears head-on and overcome them one by one, not easy, start with the small ones, if it’s smiling at a stranger keep doing it, when people start smiling back it lifts you up, then look for the next fear.

Dress how you want to dress, raise your head high and walk tall, dress to impress yourself.

Compliment others, genuine compliments, raising others up actually helps raise yourself up.

Focus on the good, things to be grateful for, look for something you have achieved.

Look to others for inspiration that has achieved, and they are human just like you, they will have had their ups and downs, perhaps different to yours yet they’ll have had them, if they can do something, you can too.

Ignore the haters they are not for you.

Make some You time each day to sit and reflect, give yourself credit for things you have achieved, progress made and something you are proud of.

Know within yourself, you have a right to feel how you feel, accept how you feel in the moment, learn to recognise the emotions, and what they are teaching you, work through them.

Don’t allow frustration to let you feel shame; we all slip up, we all make mistakes, then our minds look for. “This always happens to me.” Or. “It’s going to be a bad day.” I knew I couldn’t do it, no point trying.” We the spiral into depression, most often left with these feelings after a narcissistic relationship, remind yourself that you are human, If Thomas Edison felt that way he wouldn’t have invented the light bulb. Instead, he said. “I haven’t failed, I just found 10,000 ways it didn’t work.” Tell yourself to go again, you can and you will.

Find your strengths and skills and work to create brighter things.

Some people believe having confidence makes them narcissistic, with good intentions towards others this simply isn’t true, a narcissist has arrogance and tries to build themselves up by destroying others, kind people build themselves up by helping others.

Remember, there is a difference between a confident narcissistic negative person. Their confidence is actually arrogance, as they believe they are better than all others.

Being an Empathetic, confident person, means you have learned to be certain within yourself, and your abilities.

Remember to beat any narcissist at any game. We have to just stop playing.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Why The Narcissist Always Thinks They’re Right, And How To Outsmart Them.

The narcissist’s reality’s and our reality are often entirely different.

As narcissists feel entitled to get all their needs met when they don’t get their own way, they can throw major tantrums until they do, they can intimidate us, or they can invalidate us, to put us in our place, to put down. Then they seem happy again, when those around the narcissist feel down, the narcissist then feels better as they feel superior, which is why once they’ve provoked us and got a reaction from us, they seem ok. Like that special occasion everyone is looking forward to, a narcissist can and will go all out to put everyone else down, then as soon as everyone is down, they seem like nothing happened and we are the problem, often saying things like ” why do you have to ruin everything?”

Yet instead of us seeing it for what they’ve done, as they twist all the blame, through their manipulative gaslighting and projecting their behaviour onto us, we end up blaming and changing ourselves.

Why do they do this? What it does to us, and what we can do if we are not able to go no contact.

Narcissists believe that rules do not apply to them, that they can stomp all over peoples lives and boundaries, without a care as to who they hurt, so long as their needs are being met.

Anything you say to them that goes against their thoughts, feelings, opinions or beliefs they class as criticism.

Cognitive Distortions explains more on why they can be so negative, so self-entitled why they go around destroying others, they also explain why when around manipulators our minds can convince us of a reality that simply is not true. These thoughts are usually used to convince our minds of negative thoughts or emotions, explaining to ourselves that things sound accurate and rational, yet in reality, only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves or to keep us trapped in negative situations.

So how do cognitive Distortions affect our thinking when around manipulative people? How does this affect the narcissist? What can we do?

Psychologist has identified at least 50 types of cognitive distortions; here are ten examples of how these could affect both the narcissists and our thinking.

1. Always being right.

Being right to a narcissist is more important than others thoughts or feelings, that with their lack of Empathy, means for us going against what a narcissists truth is, can lead to devastating consequences for us, sometimes why when they are Gaslighting us they do it so well, as to them it is their reality and their truth, and they shall not be swayed. To most narcissistic people, “They didn’t say that.” And “That never happened.” To them “You are being sensitive.” And “You are the one going crazy.” In their eyes and minds, it’s their truth, often why their Smear Campaigns are also done with such truth-telling lies. Yet because we are open to perceptions and opinions, we can understand people make mistakes, their gaslighting then makes us question ourself, blame ourself, and as we care for them, we then forgive them for their wrongdoings, why when we are walking on Eggshells doing as they please they can treat you so well, giving us that intermittent reinforcement, so when they treat us wrong, with their blame-shifting, we start to internalise and begin to blame ourselves, as reality is showing us how well they can treat us. Yet, the reality is also showing us just how wrong they treat us, however when we question them over something that we believe them to be wrong about. They think they are right. They will go to great extremes to prove themselves right and prove us wrong—causing that Cognitive Dissonance within your mind over the mismatch of realities and beliefs that we are now living under the narcissist’s spell.

As a narcissist is also most likely lacking in Cognitive Reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their truth up, they can not look back and reflect, they’ve made their minds up that they are correct and all others are wrong. Narcissistic people continuously try to prove others wrong with various manipulation tactics, to a narcissist who always believes they are right, being wrong is unimaginable for them, they just can not and do not get it, they will go to extreme lengths just to prove they are right. Why there is simply no point explaining yourself or arguing with a narcissist, they simply can not and will not see your point of view.

2 Negative filtering.

Negativity breeds negativity and we as a person with empathy towards others, an open mind that can see others points of view, with the help of their projection, which is a mix of their blame-shifting and gaslighting, we end up taking their behaviour, their negative thoughts on as our own, ending up blaming ourselves and in a state of confusion, often questioning if we are the narcissist.

Their reality is distorted by only the facts they want and those beliefs they hold so true to themselves; they slowly Manipulate these onto those around them. When we take everything personally and are around people that are so critical of us, it destroys who we are, so we either have to learn not to take their words and actions personally and know our truths and who we are, except that’s how they want to think or feel, and remember we don’t have to feel that way and simply leave them to it, some are extremely dangerous, so no contact is the only way to go.

The narcissist will often, take the one negative thing you have done, filtering out anything that happened before or anything they did to cause this. They will focus solely on that one negative thing you did when in a disagreement with them, they will then Twist it onto that one single thing you did by blame-shifting, and then gaslighting it all onto you, the whole False apology of “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And as they believe they are right that is their truth, and no matter how much you try to explain or defend yourself to them, they are not listening to your point of view, they have theirs, and to them theirs is final.

3. Black and white thinking.

This is why most narcissists will Project all their failures and faults onto others, as to them they are entitled. They are superior, any mistakes made, or any achievements missed, they will place that blame onto someone else, being around this on a continued basis leaves us feeling like we are at fault, as all their projection is slowly drip-fed into our minds, also why we are somewhat too forgiving as we can see what we believe to be the good in them, often with all the blame-shifting when the bad comes out, we are led to believe this to be our fault, it is never your fault.

A narcissist has no grey area, to them, it’s either good or bad, there is no room for mistakes or errors in judgment; to them, it is all or nothing. They can only see things as either good or bad, as they themselves must be perfect, they place all blame onto others for situations or problems they might have caused, without cognitive reflection they can not look back to see what might have led up to a bad situation and without empathy they can not see how someone else might be feeling, most have a cognitive understanding of empathy so they can think how they feel. They use cognitive empathy to guilt-trip those around them into doing what the narcissist wants. Yet, can simply not put themselves into someone else’s shoes, to feel or care how they are making someone feel.

4. Jumping to conclusions.

So where your instincts might be trying to tell you something, instead of jumping to a conclusion, you go and discuss it with them, and your instincts are most likely correct. However, they will not validate your feelings as real as they are the narcissist has made their minds up that, in fact, to the narcissist, you are “Insecure.” to distract you from the truth. When actually, it’s their behaviour that they’re hiding from you, making you feel this way, yet as you’ve not made a conclusion, not got evidence, hoping they’re faithful as they future faked and falsely promised with their added false apology, that they wouldn’t do it again. You are most often left questioning yourself, as to whether you are indeed insecure? If you are pushing them away? When in fact a good person would listen to you and work it out together, always trust your instincts even when you are unsure as to what they are telling you as most often they are right.

A narcissist might even say “I’m a great judge of character.” They believe they know exactly what others are thinking or feeling, and they are not interested in finding out otherwise, also why they Gaslight with. “You’re too sensitive.” As they believe you are too sensitive and as they’ve made their minds up, they are unable and unwilling to listen to your explanation, as they are only interested in their own.

5. Catastrophising.

This is usually what happens to us once we’ve been around narcissistic, toxic or negative people for a long time, as they drip-feed our minds, and our subconscious sucks it all in, we are then on constant watch from their next negative mood swing, for the next smear campaign, for the next game they will play to bring is down to their level, we can both magnify their good behaviour, with the help of their toxic words and we can minimize their bad behaviour, often as we’ve been led to believe it was our fault, leaving us on edge and walking on eggshells around them to meet all their need so we don’t set them off, leaving us with Anxiety as we are so concerned about how they will act and become less and less concerned about what we can do to save ourselves, as we want to help other we slowly destroy ourselves, when in reality we did not cause it, we can not change it, and we can not control it, they are who they are, and no matter what action we take they have a disorder and that is who they are, which in reality means no matter what we do or don’t do for them, they are a ticking alarm clock waiting to go off, that will go off as and when they please, if they feel wronged, if they feel criticism, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change this for them, it’s who they are, it’s how they want to think, it’s how they want to behave, nothing you say or do will change this, the best course of action is to leave them to it, especially those on the lower end of the spectrum, leave them to be who they want to be, and you be who you want to be, those on the higher that are dangerous, no Contact.

The narcissist catastrophises by minimising or denying their negative or bad behaviour, distracting us away from it and magnifying anything that goes well to get you to focus on their right side. They minimise anything you do good, and they magnify anything you do that they perceive as wrong, and once they’ve made their minds up, that is their truth, and nothing you can say will shift this.

6. Control.

If we feel controlled by outside events, especially when mass smear campaigns hit, we see ourselves as helpless, the victim and the “Why is this happening to me?” Or “Why are they doing this?” Once we take back control of our lives, those outside situations no longer impact us. Without our own internal control, we take on the responsibility, of the happiness, of those around us, in reality, we are responsible for how we feel only, and others are responsible for how they think. As they Gaslight, Intimidate and Invalidate us, we slowly lose control of our minds and our lives, not knowing what is truly happening to us, and trying our best to please others, not understanding that as nice as it is to help others, it’s all about helping those who a willing and able to help us, walk away from those who are not, also that it’s ok to be selfish and put our own needs first, with good intentions there is no wrong way or right way to live your life only your way.

The oxygen mask on the plane, yes it seems selfish putting it on yourself first. If you put it on the wrong person first, they will then leave you to it, put it on the right person first, your oxygen levels might run too low, but they would help you, put it on yourself first. You will be able to run at your best to help others, even those who don’t deserve or appreciate the help, Boundaries are a must, knowing when to say yes, and when to say no, if by you saying yes to someone else means you’re saying no to you, it needs to be a no to that other person, compromise yes, if it’s all their way, you have every right to turn around and go your way.

As you most likely already know a narcissist is all about control, they want and need to be in control, they feel entitled to be in control of those around them and all life events when they are not getting what they want, they will blame others, life is against them, and if it weren’t for someone else, they would be achieving the success they believe they deserve.

7. The blame game.

With all the manipulative blame-shifting tactics, we go the other way and start to blame ourselves for everything, when in reality not everything is our responsibility or our fault, with their Triangulation and silent treatment, we start to look at ourselves to see what we’ve done wrong and how we could be better. This is good news, as this means you have the ability to reflect, to look at past mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and changes them, the biggest lessons here is to learn who we are, to learn the behaviour we will and will not accept from those around us, learn our own worth, learning to let go of those who only seek to Steal our joy and no longer looking always to blame ourselves, taking responsibility for what mistakes we have made, and passing those we did not back to the rightful owner. Self-awareness is vital.

Those on the disorder blame all others for anything that is wrong with their own lives, meaning they are unable or unaware of what actions they’ve taken towards others, the mistakes they have made, so they can not make changes as to who they are as they simply do not see themselves as the problem.

8. Change.

With us, as we are slowly Manipulated into their negative ways of thinking, it infects our mind. with their gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, arguments, silent treatments and the rest, we are led to believe it’s us that needs to change, our minds are led to believe this is true, as they often offer intermittent times where they offer that reinforcement and they play nice, and magnify something we did to deserve them being nice to us, so we are left changing who we are time and time again to attract their nice side and walking on eggshells to avoid their nasty side. In truth, they have a disorder it’s who they are, you did nothing to cause it, there’s nothing you can do to change it, and there’s nothing you can do to control it, you can, however, learn who they are, what and why they do what they do, and learn how to handle them, why you don’t need to defend yourself to them, why you don’t need to change for them, no one deserves this treatment, you did nothing wrong, trying to help others is good, just help those who are willing to be helped and leave those who only want to bring you down.

A narcissist does not see why they need to change. As they have a disorder it’s who they are, most often they can not see their own faults, they can only pass them onto others and therefore see all their own problems as to being caused by those around them, believing others need to change to suit them, again the gaslighting Of “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And most genuinely believe that if you hadn’t, they wouldn’t, however most often, you haven’t actually done anything wrong, they will find something, anything you did, then they will magnify this, to put the blame at your door, they will provoke you, to get a reaction out of you, so that they can blame it all on you.

9. Personalisation. With someone on the narcissist personality disorder spectrum, they feel entitled, so to them it’s all about them, in one way they have got something right here, as we should all make sure that we are good within ourselves, there is a difference between a narcissists all about me and self-care, they are in it to win it at all costs, they are most often not interested in what happens to those around them, so long as all their needs are being met, if they believe being nice to someone will meet their needs, they will be nice, if they think being nasty will meet their needs they will be nasty, in reality, it’s about giving to ourselves, then giving to others, if you have £10.00. You need to buy your children food, yet your friends are really struggling, you don’t provide them with the £10.00 while you and your children go hungry, people need to look after themselves, yet if you have more money coming in the next day, so you can split it if you have enough with £5 give them £5. Or if you have plenty and you’re good you might invite them for dinner, provide them with food, provide them with cash, until they are on their feet again. Then they help you out in times of need great. If they leave you to struggle in times of need when they could help, they are not the people for you. A narcissist is all about self so that you could be struggling financially. Yet, they will take your money and happily spend it. Some will even have their own as well as take yours when you ask for it back. They will dent all knowledge, blame you, pity play or cause an argument.

As they believe people are an extension of themselves, they believe whatever others do or say is a direct reaction to them, they take everything personally, if someone achieves it is down to them, if someone speaks against them, they have criticised them, if they are late, they will blame any external source and never themselves, as to them personally it was someone else’s fault.

As they are so fast to shift the blame, those around them are often left blaming themselves for everything that’s wrong that they didn’t even cause.

10. Should.

When we think they should behave in a certain way towards us or our children, or when we believe we should try harder to help them see, we should be able to support them, we should be able to explain and defend ourselves to them, we should be able to make it work, we should be able to communicate and with those not on the disorder we can, working with those on the disorder we can not, as their, feelings, thoughts, opinions, their minds have been made up, and anything you say or do will not change this. It only ever works if they believe something to be their idea and this is hard to achieve on a continuous basis, some are dangerous, so you have to leave them be, others you can teach them the behaviour you will and not accept, by knowing who you are, being nice when they are to you, and leaving them be, giving them no attention when they are mistreating you, again this varies on the severity of the narcissist. When we are full of what we should be able to do, and it doesn’t happen, it leaves us feeling disappointed, let down, hurt, anger and resentment, we have to keep our own standards as high as we want them to be, and our expectations of them extremely low, so we don’t feel offended.

A narcissist might think that they should change, yet this is only in a moment when they are not getting something they want, why we get the false promise of ”I’ll go to counselling.” or they bring you gifts, it’s only temporary to meet a need of their own, they feel shame, so they quickly shift this shame out by changing their mind from black to white, once they have what they want they change there should, to you should. Then their own mindset becomes they shouldn’t have to and you should, as it’s never a must, it’s only ever temporary change when they do play nice. When they start directing these should statement towards others, they will then feel anger and resentment towards that other person, which is when their rage often appears, the smear campaigns and all the other destructive hurtful things they do to themselves and to others.

How to outsmart them, remember your safety comes first, it’s a disorder. They don’t change. They have a disorder, some you have to go no contact, others.

Remember, the best response is no response. Nevertheless, this isn’t always possible, next would be retreat, rethink and only respond if there’s a need to do so, like child arrangements, not for argument’s sake, or trying to compromise, they don’t want to compromise.

Educate yourself on the disorder.

Stay grounded, when they’re coming at you, recognise what part of the disorder is showing in them, are they acting superior? Entitled? Envious? Being arrogant? Wanting attention? Lacking empathy? wanting control ( they always wish to control.) Recognise the part of the disorder they are dealing with at that moment in time that is on them and their disorder, not you, it did not start with you, it will not end with you. You can not change it. They can not change it. You can not control it. They could control it if they were self-aware enough to do so, with lots of therapy and something to keep them accountable, you can not change them it’s who they are, they have a disorder, they’re the whole package it who they are.

Then recognise the game they’re playing to get their own way, are they triangulating, the silent treatment, gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, baiting, invalidating, intimidating, trying to isolate you? See that game is on them because, one of the characteristic just mentioned is showing, so they need to use the game in accordance with the characteristic of the disorder.

Observing their behaviour not absorbing, like that toxic cleaning solution, if we leave it be, it’ll not harm us, if we drink it, if we absorb it, it well slowly take over our bodies and shut us down. Observe the narcissist for who they are, don’t absorb their toxic behaviour as who we are.

This way, it’s far easier to know your own reality and not allow them to intoxicate you with their negative behaviour, know your own worth, your own truth and your own reality, so they have less impact on your emotions, it’s a learning curve.

Limited contact helps with this as the brain fog lifts.

Disarming phrases are.

When they mock, insult, start name-calling, ridicule or put you down.

” That says more about who you are than it does me.”

If they ask you to explain, or tell you that. ”you’re stupid, that’s dumb.”

Respond with.

” People don’t put down those they care for they build them up, they raise them up, they try to help, they validate each other, they wish them well.”

Or to prevent the possible come back, ”that’s your opinion of me.” or ” I’m not responsible for how you see me.”

When they try to use one of your weakness or insecurities against you, remember their game and respond with.

”You can either leave me be for who I am or accept me for who I am.”

Yes, the narcissist can say this, and it’s true, we either accept someone for who they are, or we walk the other way and leave them for who they are.

When they are trying to twist the story, play the victim, put you down, blame you, guilt trip you.

“We remember things differently.”

”I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Yes, narcissists use this, they use it to invalidate our feelings, we use it to protect our boundaries, the only way to communicate with some people is with the communication that they understand.

When they accuse you of feelings, you don’t have.

“How you think of me is not my responsibility.”

When they accuse you of feelings you have because they’ve done something to cause those feelings, recognising the game, what are they trying to hide? they’re not going to validate how they’ve made you feel as that would mean admitting the truth, validate your own feeling and ask yourself. ” what are my feelings telling me.” Then follow those feelings.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Some examples of how narcissistic people manipulate you.

What happens to you in a narcissistic relationship.

Why Do Narcissist’s Smirk.

The narcissists smirk.

Not every smirk comes from a narcissistic person, but most narcissistic people smirk.

A smirk is when the narcissists if feeling smug, over the pain they have caused you, or they’ve got a way with something they shouldn’t be doing, or they have great satisfaction in the fact they’ve done something others don’t know anything about. Which shows in one level they have an awareness of what they’re doing, whether that’s on a conscious level or subconscious, depends on the narcissist and what they’ve done.

Top seven examples of when narcissistic people smirk at you. The smirk can last for a moment or a few minutes. Sometimes you just get a flash that makes you feel uneasy.

Number one. When they are purposely deceiving others and think that they are getting away with it.

Number two. When they see your pain, either pain your suffering from external sources, when you’re telling them about something that’s happened to you, and for a second you see that smirk. Or it can be the pain they have caused you. The look makes you feel uncomfortable, yet you’re not sure why you feel uncomfortable.

Number three. When they then reject your thoughts, feelings or opinions when they’ve caused you to feel pain, hurt, anger, frustration through their manipulative games, actions or Conversations.

Number four. If you set boundaries and say no, you don’t give them what they want, so they punish you, through things like those silent treatments, so you’re upset, and they know you’re upset, they may smirk as they are pleased they’ve upset you.

Number five. If you ask them about something they’ve done to you, so they start Blame-shifting, gaslighting, projecting. their own insecurities and faults onto you, ” If you hadn’t.” ”You’re jealous.” as narcissists are incredibly envious of others. When you start to try and discuss or rationalise with them or start to get frustrated with them when people are provoking, it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves, they get pleasure out of the Confusion they cause within others minds, and you might catch a smirk.

Number six. When they are playing Mind games with you to manipulate you, or Gaslighting you, to distract you from the reality of their toxic behaviour, then when you’re left feeling confused or defensive, you might have seen that smirk. At the time not aware of what it’s about.

Number seven. When they manage to provoke Reactions from you.

A narcissist will provoke you, to get a reaction out of you so that they can blame it all on you.”

People can smirk to deceive others, but also to protect themselves.

Just because someone is pulling this face, it doesn’t mean they are a narcissist, or that they are toxic, some people smirk when they didn’t get what they want, or they are upset, or if they’re are feeling embarrassed or shy.

With a narcissist, the smirk is a malicious, unpleasant, mocking or even intimidating half-smile.

The smirk often forms at one side of the narcissist’s mouth as they feel contempt. The meaning of contempt is a despising or lack of respect, full disobedience, with an intense dislike. Narcissists feel contempt as they believe they are superior to all others and think they’re entitled to control and take advantage of others. They think if people aren’t doing what they want, they believe that others are then worthless or beneath them, as a narcissist lacks in empathy, they have a complete disregard for how their actions might have affected those around them, only how the actions of others affect the narcissist themselves.

A smirk is also formed when a narcissist feels happiness and pleasure, in the pain or suffering of another.

The smirk is a microexpression which is an involuntary flash of what they feel on the inside showing for a moment On the outside. Through these microexpressions, people reveal what they are truly feeling. These are when toxic and not toxic people are feeling an emotion they’re trying not to go show.

For survivors feelings emotions such as Resentment, which is a normal emotion, especially after this kind of experience, resentment can cause people to smirk when they don’t want to show the resentment. Still, for a moment it appears on their face, survivors of narcissistic abuse can show the smirk especially when we realise just how unfairly the narcissist has treated us, feelings like jealousy again it’s a universal emotion, and these emotions are very valid feelings with how much a narcissist puts you through, lies to you and exploits you, then walks off with your life, your belongings, leaving you feeling crushed. At the same time, they swan off into the sunset as nothing happened, often with your replacement; this can also cause feelings such as jealousy and anger directed towards the narcissist who has the power to provoke you. While you are in recovery, you may feel resentment towards, as they trained you to feel as though you weren’t enough, and you are still putting yourself below them, you may feel shame, feel daft, stupid, and you might be after revenge for all they’ve done to you. Therefore survivors can also pull the smirk. Having contempt towards someone who tried to destroy everything about who you are doesn’t make you a narcissist, it doesn’t make you toxic. It makes you human with emotions. Some survivors can also have a happy contempt smile if they find out Karma visited the narcissist. Not because you were actively seeking revenge because you heard some karma hit them. Not all smirks have malicious intent. Some smirks are formed because when we see someone toxic, no longer getting away with their manipulative, toxic behaviour and justice being served. There is no wrong about being happy when justice is served.

With anger, this is often a feeling we get when someone provokes us, or when someone has been unfair or unkind to us. Anger is often directed towards someone who we view as equal. As you move through recovery, you may lose the resentment and start going through the anger phase, with resentment coming back from time to time if they are still trying to provoke you, or whatever stunt they’re trying to pull. You’ll notice more anger towards them as you begin to feel more equal and realise they are not above you and do not have power or control over you, you are far from stupid, they are highly manipulative, their games are incredibly hard to see when we don’t know what they are.

Then the stage of anger for those when you realise just how harmful and hurtful they are, they are not worthy of you or your time, as they do not care for others.

Pity, the feelings of sorrow for ones suffering, we have to move away from self-pity which again is a universal emotion and most understandable, it’s an extremely valid emotion with everything narcissists put us through. However, that woe is me can bring us down and keep us trapped in the past; we have to work through any self-pity. Pitying the narcissist for things they claim to have been through, or have been through can keep us trapped with them, it can keep us going back as they pull on our empathy with those pity plays, when we get to the point when we learn about the disorder we might go through a phase of pitting them, but understand we can not help them when we realise we can not help them, yet pity them, we lose those feelings of anger and resentment for the stunts they pull, and we also stay away.

When their Admiration face is on narcissists can over exaggerate their facial and body expression. (those not on the disorder can do this too.) when a narcissist’s Envious face appears, they can anger, rage or have an utterly emotionless in the face. This is when you could witness the narcissists Stare.

A lot of narcissists are very good at faking emotions and facial expressions, over time spent around them, and getting to know them. You might start to notice a lack of facial expressions.

Often they believe their own Lies so they can come across as genuine and extremely convincing at first.

Pay close attention to how you feel around others; those are your instincts if you ask someone who reassures you, if you ask someone who invalidates you, it’s not because your feelings are wrong, it’s because they have something to hide. People’s facial expressions when you’re telling them things or they are telling you.

You can, and you will recover from this.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

The narcissists’ lies.

Why Do Narcissist Lie So Much?

The narcissists lies, why they lie? Some examples of the most common lies they all seem to tell.

The narcissist personality disorder is a disorder, and people do need at least five of the nine characteristics to be on the spectrum of the disorder. Most people will lie at some point in their life, sometimes because you don’t want to hurt others feelings. Yet, people with empathy towards others, will feel guilty and want to come clean often leading them to avoid lying in the first place, or in future. Usually, kind people resort to white lies that protect others from hurt or pain, narcissists resort to lies to protect themselves.

Why narcissists lie. 

They believe they are always right, as a narcissist is also most likely lacking in Cognitive Reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their truth up, their beliefs, their opinions. They can not look back and reflect, they’ve made their minds up that they are correct and all others are wrong. Narcissistic people continuously try to prove others wrong with various manipulation tactics, to a narcissist who always believes they are right, being wrong is unimaginable for them, they just can not and do not get it, they will go to extreme lengths just to prove they are right. Why there is simply no point explaining yourself, defending yourself or arguing your position with a narcissist, they simply can not and will not see your point of view.

Being right to them is more important than others feelings, that with their lack of Empathy, means for us going against what a narcissists truth is, can lead to devastating consequences for us, sometimes why when they are Gaslighting us they do it so convincingly, that we believe them, as to them it is their reality and their truth, and they shall not be swayed.

They will go to great extremes to prove themselves right and prove you wrong—causing that Cognitive Dissonance within your mind over the mismatch of realities and beliefs that you are now living under the narcissist’s spell.

  • They lie to escape accountability and protect themselves.
  • They lie to get their needs met.
  • They lie to play the victim and get sympathetic attention from those around them.
  • They lie so they don’t suffer any consequences to their own actions.
  • They lie to escape all accountability, and because they can not reflect, they believe their own lies.
  • They lie to get admiration and positive attention.
  • They lie to confuse you and your own reality.
  • They lie to anger you and get your reactions.
  • They lie to control others, and to control their reality, to get their needs met.
  • They lie, because their lies become their truths, as they don’t see fault within themselves in order to change themselves, blaming all others, and they believe others are at fault, and others should change not them.

Narcissistic people are often lacking in emotions such as guilt, remorse, empathy, as they live in their own reality, with their own opinions and beliefs. They may feel shame deep within themselves, often why they will blame others, or blatantly lie that they didn’t lie.

As part of their disorder is a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement, a belief they are special and willingness to exploit others, to get their needs met. They only use others. There is nothing to stop the extent of the lies they tell.

Narcissists will adopt many lies, to suit any given situation and meet their own needs, walking straight over all others, exploiting those who stand in their way, with some the number of lies they tell, they can actually end up believing their own lies to be a reality, making their lies even more convincing to others, as the lack in cognitive reflection skills to learn from the errors of their ways. Those where they know there might be consequences, they will lie to cover up their lies, through instinct to deny others reality and to keep denying others their reality, so people don’t take action that doesn’t suit the narcissist.

Types of lies based on the nine characteristics of the disorder.

1. Entitlement. They will lie to influence others. “I’m really looking forward to coming home to see you.” They’re not they just want you to believe they are, to idealise you, to love bomb you, to make you feel special and loved, so you shower them with affection, attention and support. Exaggeration and manipulation “I own the ex’s house and have to pay all mortgage and bills as they’re too lazy to work, and I have to support the children.” often they do not they just want you to believe they are a genuine, kind, loving person, they want you to feel sorry for them, not realising they are financially abusing you, as to you they are doing the right thing by their children, in reality, they are often not paying the ex anything. They are paying you nothing. They just enjoy living rent-free in your mind and your home. As they believe they are entitled to do so. ”I would never cheat, my ex cheated on me, and I know how horrible it is.” Influencing you to trust in them, when in reality they are telling you everything they are about to do to you as they feel entitled to lie about their past, to get their needs met in the present.

2. Arrogance, When you ask them a question about something, and it can be something as simple as how was your day, down to calling them out on their behaviour, as they believe you’ve questioned their authority. They can just stay quiet, not giving you the truth, just saying nothing at all, leaving you wondering if they’re ok, if you’ve hurt their feelings. They will lie by giving you the silent treatment. So you question your behaviour and work harder to please them. As they believe they are more important than you, and they are proud of their behaviour, they see it as you questioning their authority.

3. Exploit. They will lie by gaslighting, saying. “That never happened.” (When it did.) To get you to question reality, or. “I told you last week. You must be losing your mind.” They didn’t tell you anything last week. It’s all to gaslight you, so you question your own memory, causing cognitive dissonance within your mind, so you start questioning yourself, once they have you questioning your own thoughts, feelings and opinions, doubting reality and doubting yourself, it’s easier for them to manipulate and exploit you, to get their needs met.

4. Grandiose. They will lie by exaggerating the truth to make them look better than they are, any achievements they will exaggerate, as they see no problem in making themselves look better, as they believe they are better. We can mistake that arrogance for confidence, wanting to be around those who are comfortable with themselves, not understanding, it’s just their attention-seeking face, as they put the grand act on to pretend to be someone they are not.

5. Jealousy and envy. To gain attention. ” They only got the promotion because they sucked up to the boss. I’m the one that works harder.” They don’t. They just want to cover for how lazy they are. “Why are you wearing that?” Some will even buy clothes for you, that you wouldn’t usually wear, as they know their capabilities, they don’t want to lose their investment until they’ve drained you.

6. Lack of empathy. They will lie to play victim to gain sympathy. They lie to use your empathy against you. “My ex treated me horribly, we are no longer together, but I’m struggling to leave because of the children.” or ”my ex is jealous and will not let me see the children.” the worst part is things like, where they can not see their children could be true. They just miss out the part they played, So pull out the parental alienation card to gain your sympathy, yet they’ll not tell you how they, let the children down, messed with the children minds and the other parent woke up and at all costs protected to children. As the ex is doing this, and with the narcissists lies, it can look like the ex is jealous. Parents will say things like. ”my child has no respect for me.” so people feel sorry for them, they miss out the part that in reality, the child realised they were raised by a narcissist and broke free.

7. Preoccupied with their own power. They will lie by telling you something they did, but not telling you the whole Story. “ I’ve got to work late.” They may well be working late, but they’ll leave out the part that after work they went to meet someone. They will lie with admitting partial truths, “I’ve been to see person A.” They may well have been to see them, and they’ll not tell you what they’ve actually been doing with that person. So you know where they have been, and as they’ve told you part of the story, which is truth, you don’t want to question the other part, primarily as the narcissist will lie to you and reinforce within your mind that “you’re insecure.” As their actions are having an impact on your instincts, so those insecurities are your instincts trying to warn you. The narcissist makes it sound like a bad thing that you’re insecure as they’re not going to admit fault and say. “You know what you’re right. You’re insecure because I’m lying to you.”

7. They will lie by blame-shifting. “If you were a loving person that gave me what I needed, I wouldn’t have to go elsewhere.” leaving you to focus more on improving your behaviour and less on what they’ve actually done. Things like. “If you hadn’t.” So you focus more on your behaviour from the past to work harder in pleasing them. While downplaying of making excuses for their behaviour in the present, with their lie of “If only you.” Even if you did, it wouldn’t stop them doing what they want to do.

9. A belief they are special. They will deflect lie, by twisting it onto something similar you have done. “ well you went out with person A last week I’ve no idea what you got up to, I just trust you.” Making you doubt yourself for questioning them in the first place. As they believe they should be allowed to do as they please, without having to answer to anyone, which is valid with good intentions, people are allowed to do as they please without having to answer to others, with a narcissists intentions, it because they believe they are above others. Their actions often hurt those around them.

Why do they lie?

They lie to Control. As you most likely already know a narcissist is all about control, they want and need to be in control. They feel entitled to be in control of those around them and all life events when they are not getting what they want. They will blame others, to them, life is against them, and if it weren’t for someone else, they would be achieving the success they believe they deserve. They don’t think they should work at it, they believe it should be handed to them, those who do work for it will exploit others to miss a few steps on their way up.

If we feel controlled by outside events, especially when mass smear campaigns hit, we see ourselves as helpless, the victim and the “Why is this happening to me?” Or “Why are they doing this?” Once we take back control of our lives, those outside situations no longer impact us. Without our own internal control, we take on the responsibility, of the happiness, of those around us, in reality, we are responsible for how we feel only, and others are responsible for how they feel. As narcissists Lie, Gaslight, Intimidate and Invalidate us, we slowly lose control of our minds and our lives, not knowing what is truly happening to us, and trying our best to please others, not understanding that as nice as it is to help others, it’s all about helping those who a willing and able to help us, walk away from those who are not, also that it’s ok to be selfish and put our own needs first, with good intentions there is no wrong way or right way to live your life only your way.

The oxygen mask on the plane, yes it seems selfish putting it on yourself first. If you put it on the wrong person first, they will then leave you to it, put it on the right person first, your oxygen levels might run too low, but they would help you, put it on yourself first. You will be able to run at your best to help others, even those who don’t deserve or appreciate the help, Boundaries are a must, knowing when to say yes, and when to say no, if saying yes to someone else is them saying no to you, it needs to be a no to that other person, compromise yes, if it’s all their way, you have every right to turn around and go your way.

Trust your instincts, if what someone is telling you doesn’t feel right to you, leave them to it, and go your own way.

Narcissists have that black and white thinking, to them it’s either good or bad, there is no room for mistakes or errors in judgment, to them, it is all or nothing. They can only see things as either good or bad, as they themselves as everything must be perfect to suit them, they place all blame onto others for situations or problems they might have caused, without cognitive reflection they can not look back to see what might have done that led up to a bad situation and without empathy they can not see how someone else might be feeling, most have cognitive understanding of empathy so they can think how others think, and use this against them with emotional blackmail, yet, they simply can not put themselves into someone else’s shoes, to feel or care how they are making someone feel.

This is why most will Project all their failures and faults onto others, as to them they are entitled. They are superior, any mistakes made, or any achievements missed, they will place that blame onto someone else, being around this on a continued basis leaves us feeling like we are at fault, as all the projection is slowly drip-fed into our minds, also why we are somewhat too forgiving as we can see the good in them, those times they do treat us right, often with all the blame-shifting when the bad comes out, we are led to believe this to be our fault, it is never your fault.

Narcissist learns through life that to them, it’s far easier to lie than, than to tell the truth, often ending up believing their own lies to be the reality.

They are like a three-year-old caught red-handed with a bag of sweets you told them they couldn’t eat until after tea, yet while still eating these sweets blaming their siblings for getting them, or pretending they didn’t hear you say no, or they’re sure you said yes. Most people feel guilty and learn to grow out of this, a narcissist is a toddler, throwing lies and tantrums in an adults body.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

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The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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