Narcissists Lie To You.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Narcissists what they say and what they actually mean, some examples of the top gaslighting sentences they say to manipulate you, to cause cognitive dissonance within your mind, when they continually tell you one thing, yet it rarely matches your reality, then they will often isolate you, so you only have them for the reality checks, even if they haven’t isolated you, not wanting to open up to others for fear of judgment, or not being understood, added words from the narcissist of ”Who would believe you.” and then with the added obvious or subtle threats they throw in, it’s a terrifying, confusing place to live, and a difficult place to escape from. With reactive abuse, this can make you fear speaking out, and this can end up making you feel like you’re the narcissist if you have empathy for other people you are not.

Remember the three E’s if someone lacks in genuine empathy towards you if they act entitled and if they exploit others, no matter what they tell you, they only seek to harm you if they are physically abusive of not if they try to control your life you need to remove yourself from their life safely.

People on the narcissist personality disorder spectrum are very egotistical, self-centred people and expect others to give them everything they want. Without giving anything back, they are tough to spot in society, and they are the masters of manipulation. They are masters of words and lies, the lies they tell they often believe themselves. They use lies and manipulation so well that even when their actions don’t match their words. You doubt yourself and not them. Many a narcissist could possibly pass a lie director test, as they rewrite history to escape accountability, and with little to no cognitive reflection skills, their lies over time become their truths, while those around them who think empathetically and have emotional empathy end up extremely disorientated, and drained, trying to look for the good in those who continue to show them their worst, mostly due to the narcissists gaslighting words.

Narcissists Lies are incredibly effective, most healthy people tend to try not to lie, in the first place, and when they do they guilt will often make them admit to it, or if they do and get caught, they will apologise for it, learn from it and not do it again, so when a narcissist lies and continues to do so, often with the lies that you wouldn’t even think was a lie like “I love you.” And the more they repeat this, the more you believe this even when their actions don’t match their words, often as most narcissists, be it a boss, a parent, a friend, whoever they are in your life will idolise you at some point, or they will offer intermittent plays of idolisation, so when they say “I love you.” Or “I love your work ethics.” You believe that they do. Then when they turn so cruel and cold towards you, and you start to wake up from the lies, and your instincts are screaming at you, they come back at your with the play nice, and the more your mind believes those continued lies, rather than their actions and the truth.

The phrase they tell people and what they truly mean, and these can be from any narcissist within your life, not just a partner.

They say. “I’d never hurt you.”

They mean. They’re not going to hurt you while you do as they please, while you take care of them, while you shower them with attention, when they say they’ll never hurt you they mean, while you meet their needs all will be well, as soon as you don’t Most will go all out to destroy you until you do as they say again, they also mean they don’t want you to wake up and realise what they are doing to you.

Remember only you define you, and as hard as it can be to see when someone is hurting you so much, you are in control of your emotions, so finding the methods that work for you, those who continue to hurt you are not for you.

They say. “Your work is the best.”

They mean. If it’s a boss, while you are doing all the work for them you’re good, while They can play you off against other workers all is well, they love how you come in early to work just to please them how you go home late and miss out on your children’s bedtime just to please them. They love how they only have to say how good your work is, and you go all out to do more for me. When they say your work is the best, they meanwhile they can play you off against other colleagues, while you’ll run extra errands for them and go above and beyond in your job without extra pay, they love how they are in charge of your life. If it’s a parent, they love how you’re running around trying to please them and doing everything they want to get their approval. If it’s a partner, they love how you take care of the home, the bills and they children, so that they have to do very little.

Remember, your boundaries if something doesn’t feel right for you. If by saying yes to someone else, you are saying no to yourself, it needs to be a no.

They say. “You’re lazy.”

They mean that you’re not doing enough for them, and even if you’re doing all you can, they enjoy flipping the script to make you feel guilty and work harder to please them, they mean that you should be doing more to please them yet no matter how much you do it’ll never be enough for them.

Remember you define you, you know if you listen to yourself enough and not those around you when you’ve done enough when you need to rest, listen to your own body and mind and do what’s in the best interests for you, with good intentions there is no right or wrong way to live your life, you have to be at your best to give your best.

They say. “ I love you.”

They mean. They are just using the word love to control you, and they don’t really love you. They love that you make your life about them. They love how you solve their issues, relieve their pain, fix their problems, they love how you take time for them and not yourself, give them your attention only, how you make their happiness your responsibility, they love how you need them to love you. They love how they can make you feel unworthy and insignificant to try harder to please them. When they say I love you, they mean, I love how you live by and respect their rules, and they love what you do to please them or what you provide them. They do not love you for you, for who you are as a person, it’s all about what you do for them.

Remember those who love you would not continue to hurt you and let you down when you love someone you don’t want to cause or see them in pain, only allow those to treat you in the same way you treat others, love yourself for who you are, own your insecurities we all have them, and they are nothing to be ashamed of when we acknowledge ourselves for who we are, others can not use our insecurities against us.

They say “It’s not all about you.”

They mean. When they say this, they mean it’s all about them, they can not Handle you being the centre of attention. If you ever mention your needs that they don’t care for, they’ll make you feel guilty and ashamed of having these needs. They mean I’m the only important one, and you’ve got to learn that your needs and who you are as a person do not matter. They mean “it’s all about me.”

Remember It is about you, it’s about others too, if your not happy about something you have every right to change it. It’s your life; you don’t need to hurt people by walking away from those who hurt you, you’ve most likely tried all you can to help them, and have been left a shell of your former self, now is the time to take care of yourself before you take care of others, this is not to hurt others, this is to be at your best for those who deserve you. Good people do exist, those who continue to treat you with disrespect don’t deserve your time and attention, so respect them for who they are and will the other way to them.

They say “You have trust issues.”

They mean. They would never genuinely admit it to you, but they are a very untrustworthy person, and even though they have possibly shown you many times by betraying you, in various forms, lying, cheating, saying they’ll do one thing and doing another. They love the power and control they have over you with their words, making you doubt yourself and questioning your own sanity. You no longer know what is right or wrong unless they tell you. When you need to trust your instincts and know a narcissist will deny anything even with facts and evidence against them.

Remember, your instincts are telling you the truth; you will have trust issues around those who have lying issues.

They say. “That never happened.”

They mean. They don’t want you knowing the truth, and they don’t want you thinking wrongly of them, they don’t want you to see what’s truly happening, they want you to live by their rules.

Remember your truths, no matter what others say, if you know it happened, then it happened. If you’re still around them, keep a written diary until your mind sees clearly that their actions don’t match their words.

They say. “You are so jealous and insecure.”

They mean, they enjoy seeing you compete for their attention when they flirt with others, that makes them powerful and wanted. They make you feel unworthy, and you often then want the narcissist more. You know what you suspect, is real, but they’ll do their best to manipulate you into thinking it’s not real. You can never do anything right, and they’ve got you doubting yourself, so you become trauma bonded to them and don’t leave never leave.

Remember you don’t deserve someone who lets you down, you are never indeed there for you, and who continues to hurt you. You deserve someone who you trust, who is honest, open, caring and kind like you.

They say “we are just friends.”

They mean. Whenever they get bored with you, they will be straight on the phone calling this person. In case you do manage to leave the narcissist, they can simply replace you with this person and make you feel worse, this person might already be acting as a valuable side piece.

They’ll also make sure this new person knows how controlling and toxic you are. So if you ever talk to this person about the narcissist’s behaviour, it will just confirm how crazy you are. You’re not actually the crazy one, but they love smearing your name and making it look that way. They love the power they have over you to humiliate and provoke you. When you react, it feels so good to them to have that attention, and they can then show people you act crazy.

Remember, yes two people can just be friends, but if it’s making you feel uncomfortable, you’re not insecure or sensitive and all the other toxic gaslighting phrases the narcissist uses, you’re human with feelings, and something doesn’t add up, and you’re instincts are usually correct.

They say “You don’t have anyone, other than me.” Or “No one will love you.”

They meant this is because they’ve already removed anyone important to you in your life. They are now the only one who has power over your life now, of course, people would love you, but they don’t want you to wake up and realise that. They want control over you, and they want you doing as they please to earn their love.”

Remember, you are worthy, and you are loveable, and that love and happiness starts from within, you need to detach yourself from negative, toxic people who bring you down, so you can discover what you enjoy in life, what you love about you, they right people will be there for you and love you for who you are.

They say “ you’re overthinking or overreacting”

They mean you have perfectly normal thoughts to their behaviour and normal reactions to their countless lies, but they don’t want you to wake up and smell the coffee, they can never let you catch on not know. They want to make you doubt yourself in every way, and they’ll make you feel like the bad and make you feel guilty, so you work harder to please them, you will trust their words and not own thoughts and feelings. They reap all the benefits while you work so hard to make it up to them and please them for ever doubting them, while slowly losing who you are.

Remember you were given a mind to think for yourself and how you want to believe, and if something bothers you, internally process it and take action to change it, so it no longer bothers you, even if that means walking away from those who continue to let you down and walk away from you when you needed them the most.

They say “ you’re oversensitive.”

They mean. They love making you feel worse, which makes them feel better, they love the power you give to them, and they enjoy taking advantage of your kindness and hearing you explain your good intentions to them, while they take you off-topic, twist your words and watch you lose yourself. They get a weird kick out of how they make you feel horrible when they mention something they did to hurt you, yet they will have turned it all around to be your fault. They often show a smirk on their face as they watch the pain, sadness and disappointment on your face.

Remember you are you and no one defines you, sensitive or not, that’s who you are and being sensitive means you have feelings for yourself and others, and good people will respect those feeling.

They say“ I’m sorry you feel that way.”

They mean they’re not sorry you feel that way, they don’t have the emotional empathy to care for how you feel, they are just saying this so they can continue with their abusive behaviour, they are only ever sorry that they got caught, they feel no need to apologise, but they will say ”I’m sorry you.” meaning they are not sorry for what they did, they are feeling sorry for themselves that they are being made to apologise for things they believe they are entitled to do. They will always turn it onto you. They care for your emotions or how you feel, They only care about what they can get from you.

Remember if someone continues to hurt you, and they don’t change their hurtful behaviour towards you, they don’t care for you, this is just further manipulation.

They say “You’ll never find someone like me.”

They mean, they know it would be the best thing to happen to you if you never found someone like them, there are so many people that would treat you far better than the narcissist ever did, but they want to make sure that never happens for you, they want you so hooked on them, that you’ll only be free when they have done with you, by which point you’ll be so broken no one will want you, and you’ll trust no one if by any chance you start to recover prepare for the narcissist hoover, they will swoop back in as a changed person, but I’ll never change.

Remember good people do exist, and the sooner you remove those from your life that put out your light, that put down, squash and takes away all your hopes, dreams, happiness, money, health, and all the others they steal from you, as soon as you remove negativity, you make way for positivity, your inner love, your dreams, your happiness and your kind of people.

Hopefully, this will explain to you why after coming out of a relationship with these people, you doubt everything around you and everyone, you can feel judged, silly and stupid, you’re scared to tell people to in case you sound crazy, you are not crazy, now is the time to rebuild yourself and cut negativity out of your and your children’s life, you are not silly, crazy or stupid just because one person manipulated you, you just love, and you are kind, you can always change things for yourself, you can move on. You may have anxiety, and you can heal your anxiety also, you may have CPTSD, you can overcome this.

This is all normal, after this kind of relationship and you are not alone in how you feel, people out there do understand and have been through similar, trust yourself again, remember who you once was, you’ve allowed your thinking and mindset to be retrained, now you need to work on you to retrain your mindset, change negative thoughts too positive thoughts, trust, know everyone’s allowed an opinion if you don’t agree move on no harm done, you can work on yourself, some can recover with self-taught research, others with support groups, therapists and EMDR treatment, it’s finding the right coping strategies for you, then using them to work for you. The best relationship you can have is one with yourself. So work on yourself today, tell yourself you can do this and you so will. Love you for you.

Life isn’t always easy when we go easy on people that makes us unhappy life becomes hard when we work on ourselves, and life becomes easy.

You can, and you will.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

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Cognitive Dissonance.


Cohesive control.

Mind games.

The Cheating Covert Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Signs of a covert narcissist.

A covert and an overt narcissist can cross over in personality types, although they will lean more towards one, overt or covert are both narcissistic, and both manipulate for their own goals. They kind of have a split personality, Coverts like most narcissists are hard to spot, especially when we don’t understand people like this exist. First, You need to define what you’re dealing with, then move on with your life. If someones abusive lacks empathy, acts as though they are entitled, exploits others, let you down and continues to hurt you, whatever they are, get out and stay out.

Most narcissists tactics are hidden, yet covet don’t always match what you read about narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissist personality disorder, is on a spectrum, we can all have a trait or two of narcissism, meaning someone can be confident and achieve success in life, yet they’ve not destroyed others to get there, they care for others and are not a narcissist, some people can have quite a few, but it doesn’t make them a narcissist, more a toxic person, fool, idiot or just a twit.

Overt v’s covert.

not Vulnerable v’s vulnerable although most narcissists can play the victim card if it meets a need of theirs at that time.

Arrogant v’s shy.

What a covert narcissist can be like.

You meet them, and they seem ok, some are well mannered, well dressed and some are polite.

Then as time goes by, something just doesn’t seem right, you just can not seem to communicate with them.

Sometimes people can have that self-centeredness that’s not as harsh as you’d think when you look at narcissism in the media. Coverts are not loud and in charge.

In the beginning, they don’t tend to be argumentative, but over time, you notice they seem to have a sense of entitlement, and superiority, just not as in your face as you’d expect a narcissist to be. You feel like they are approachable after the idolisation stage, but you are not overly sure.

The more you get to know them, you notice, they hate feeling vulnerable, and hate any weaknesses been known to others, as you get to know more about them, they don’t tell you to much about themselves, when you see any humanity or flaws in them, they go on the attack with blame and shame towards you and your faults.

They shut down and withdraw, you just suddenly get the silent treatment out of nowhere, often leaving you wondering what just happened, there’s a lack of empathy with them, they come across as cold and not interested in you like they just don’t care about you, and they don’t.

Lots of passive-aggressive behaviour, you’ll more often, get the silent treatment, sulking off, cutting you mid-sentence, making promises and failing to deliver, you will walk on eggshells around them.

They seem almost smug, it’s their way or no way, they come across as a very misunderstood, special person, who knows what others think or feel, and you just don’t understand them,

Everyone who manipulates tries to do it without being noticed, so even an overt narcissist is sly with it, coverts are basically the shy narcissists.

If you have doubt, there probably is no doubt, and they are a narcissist if you are doubting if you are because you’d reacted, and it takes two to tango, no because you have empathy, you loved hard, you hurt hard. Reactive Abuse is not the same as abuse, and even the best of people have their limits, but they would most often feel guilt after reacting, no one deserves to be manipulated, abused or hurt, you are a good caring person who likes to look for the good in others, and there’s no wrong in that, just learning behaviour you will and will not accept from others, From now on, so when people do things you don’t like, leave them to it and find people who love you for you. 

Also, you never used to think anything was wrong with you, and you never used to question if you were a narcissist, being around a narcissist, was what got you questioning yourself, almost everyone that has been around a narcissist, will at some point question themselves when they look for answers.

An overt narcissist is like a baseball bat to the mind.

A covert is like cancer taking over your mind.

The covert narcissist can come across shy, empty, depressed, low energy, you’ve probably got people saying, they’re not quite right, somethings not all their with them, yet most people will offer them support, they can have grandiosity on the inside, but the feel ashamed about it. If they get stressed, they might even have some anxiety.

They can be very vulnerable in front of you, gaining sympathetic attention from you, they will want you to feel sorry for them. They might look very dramatic when they are looking for sympathy.

They believe they have a right to everything, and they are self-entitled, they do believe they are special. They have no empathy, think they are better than all around them, yet at the same time, believe they are not good enough.

Extremely self-centred.

Extremely stubborn,

No respect for boundaries,

Hypersensitive to criticism,

They are very arrogant and will not apologise, only if it’s twisted around onto you.


They are people who try to come across as perfect, who are morally superior.

Coverts will guilt trip others as much as they can.

Things like. “ I’ve got no money, but I really, really need to get this, that or other.” They might not directly ask. If they are ill, they’ll want a tone of sympathy. Often making those around them, feel guilty for not doing enough, yet if you’re ill, they’ll often offer you little to no sympathy.

They will play the victim. Even if there is evidence, they will twist, so they are the victim.

They pass all their, insecurities onto their primary partner. 

Covert are the ones who will say. “Are you really going to wear that. ” or “I wouldn’t bother doing that if I was you.” They rarely directly have a dig at you, most often it’s underhand and extremely hurtful. 

The cheating Covert Narcissist.

When you date someone or marry them when they came into your life, they literally swept you off your feet, the idolisation stage, when they match all your likes and dislikes, you’ve met someone who truly understands you, and you believe you understand them, life just couldn’t get any better.

When you’re dating someone new to discover they had a boyfriend/girlfriend or wife/husband behind your back throughout your entire relationship. The person you married has been having an affair after, some you might have known and forgiven them, with others you are married for years before you find out about the first affair the truth, then once you discover they have one other partner you might find they had two or three more at the same time or crossing over.

Narcissists are con artists they sell you a dream and deliver you a living nightmare. Not only are most narcissists con artists, but they are also pick-up artists. The narcissist is renowned for not only physical cheating on their intimate partners but also emotional cheating with the classic lines of. ” It’s not cheating, it’s only a message.” or ”Don’t be so sensitive we are only friends.” To play down their behaviour. To the. ”If you showed me more attention, I wouldn’t need to chat to others.” and ”why have you looked at my phone, don’t you trust me.” which is done to blame-shift their hurtful behaviour onto you so they can escape accountability. The narcissist is often serial cheaters, always on the lookout for their next target, always using others, always exploiting and hurting those around them.

Whether the narcissist has sexual satisfaction within their primary relationship or not, extramarital affairs, emotional or physical is common with a narcissist and nothing you did or did not do caused it, they have the narcissist personality disorder, empathy towards others feelings are often none existent, and they are also lacking in respect or morals towards others as they feel entitled and exploit others to meet a need of their own, they are simply not interested in your wants, needs or feelings, it’s all about themselves.

Emotional cheating or physical cheating, if you’re not happy, it’s cheating, and they do not care for you or your feelings.

People can cheat who are not on the narcissist spectrum, and those will often be after a cheap thrill, not think of the consequences, and they will often feel remorseful. A narcissist is always on the search for attention to fill an inner void they are unable to, as true happiness starts from within and they are always chasing external happiness, healthy people can not have found their happiness from within themselves, yet as they have empathy towards others, they often try to help those around them to feel better within themselves, a narcissist is exceptionally negative, so they destroy others to make themselves feel better.

What all of us need to realise and work on is finding out own emotional stability and our happiness from within, when we create this happiness from within, then we will no longer try to help those who only seek to destroy us, yet we will help those with empathy who do need the support.

A narcissists ability to gaslight others and manipulate those around them, often causing cognitive dissonance in those close to them is what makes them such convincing storytellers and con artists. As they are such compelling con artists, they not only fool intimate parents, but they can also fool, friends, family and the community around them.

As they are so grandstanding in the idolisation stage meaning, they will be able to attract attention and influence the opinion of those who are listening, and the covert narcissist will talk about and play on how others have hurt or let them down in the past, (the pitty play.) often describing what they did to others, yet twisting the story around to suit the narcissist, they will talk about their wisdom and how they value respect, honesty, integrity, and would always be faithful as they would never want to cheat or hurt someone in that way, which healthy people can have that conversation, with a narcissist your instincts most likely told you that they protest too much, so what they are claiming that they would never do such a thing over and over again, this often means they have, or will do.

They might even say they’ve been promiscuous in the past, and have learned the error of their ways. “They were young.” Or “The Ex was crazy.” While saying that they’d never lie to you, when we listen carefully, instead of discounting our instincts and wanting to believe them, we see the red flags of just how contradictory a narcissists words genuinely are. And healthy people can be contradictory as their opinions and beliefs adapt and change to self- love and inner happiness.

If you’ve just got into a relationship with someone who is forever cancelling plans, going away for long business trips, they are always late and always letting you down, or if you are a few months or years in and they are giving you the regular disappearing act silent treatment, they are often with at least one other target, if not circling around a few.

When they lie constantly, they do this to protect themselves not protect your feelings, because they have something to hide when you ask healthy people where they are going, or where they’ve been, healthy people see this as a two-way conversation. The narcissist sees this as criticism that they are not allowed to do what they want, and you are trying to control them, so they either spin a tail of where they are going or have been. (Which isn’t what they were doing or where they were.) and your instincts might think that something just doesn’t ring true, or they’ll provoke an argument, often so they can then hit you with the silent treatment and disappear on you, or they’ll take you off topic and twist the conversation onto where you were six months ago, even though you were where you said you were, they will get you to defend yourself, to downplay what they are doing and exaggerate what you are doing, all call you “insecure, crazy.” And the others so you’re left with self-doubt.

When the narcissist is claiming that all their exes are stalkers, crazy, in need of help, obsessed with them, and due to that trauma bond and being left with no closure the ex usually matches the narcissists smear campaign words, so the exes are often suffering from CPTSD and looking for answers, the narcissist lies about them often matches the exes behaviour, making the narcissists lies all the more believable, yet when those crazy exes come warning you, they’re not doing it because you win the prize, they are doing it because they know everything they have just lived through and how they feel, even if they don’t have all the answers right there and then, they know you’re about to live it too, and they are trying to save you all the pain they have just been through.

It’s never your fault that a narcissist targeted you, they came after you because they saw something in you that they wanted, a kind, caring, forgiving, loyal person, no one asks to be abused, narcissists are like vultures going after one target to the next. Unfortunately, they have probably been through some form of trauma that’s sent them on this crash course life pattern of destruction, not only for those around them, often without them realising to themselves also. Yet as they are always blaming all others, they never see themselves as the problem in order to see what they need to change within themselves, they have to learn from the mistakes they make, as they are unable to do this the narcissist never finds their true happiness.

You can feel sorry for them, and you can hate them, you can pity them. However you feel after all they put you through, is for you. However, you need to break the trauma bond, leave them in the past where they belong, and start focusing on and living for you. The more you focus on them, the more you bring that past reality into your mind, the more you focus on you and a much happier future, the more you’ll work towards that future and start taking the steps in your reality to make those future dreams your reality.

You can, and you will.

Join me on social media.







Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @

Cognitive dissonance.

Gaslight ing.

Trauma bond

The Narcissist And Intimidation Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The Narcissist and intimidation.

The main reason a narcissist uses intimidation is, so you fear them, meaning you will conform to their demands out of fear. They also use it to manipulate you and cause you more confusion within your own mind, with subtle threats, that make you wonder if it’s a real threat if they’re messing around if they will act on this threat or leave it be. They do this on purpose, so you are worried about the threat, but at the same time you don’t want to make a fuss, or you also fear if you speak out, or to other people, they might think you’re overreacting, as the narcissist will tell you and others, “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overeating.” or things like “You are imagining things.”

You are not overacting any threat should be taken seriously, and you do not imagine things if it happened it happened.

The types of intimidation they use.

1. Standing over you, looking down at you, or getting in your face, breaking things, punching things, raising their voice, to get you to fear them. Covert threats of. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Or ” how will you afford to live without me.” Or overt threats like ” I’ll make you pay.” Or the “I will.” Followed with some form of punishment. “Things like. “You’ll never see the children again.” Or ” you’ll have nothing.” To stop you from doing something or leaving. Threatening to harm family members, pets so you fawn and give in to their demands for fear of what could happen to loved ones, the threat of debt collectors when it comes to bosses, pity plays of “I’ve got nothing without you.” So you go and help your parents out, don’t leave your partner. Again people not on the disorder can say these things, usually because they genuinely believe they would have nothing without the narcissist. A narcissist says it to guilt-trip those around them into doing what the narcissist wants.

2. Isolation, destroying your personal property or hiding passports, giving you no access to finances, or when driving in a car so there is no way out for you. Taking you to isolated places, cutting you off from friends and family, making sure you have no support, taking your phone off you.

3. Restraining you, blocking doorways, locking doors and hiding keys, taking your car, physically holding you back, often claiming “it’s in your best interest.” Anything to cause you to feel trapped with no escape, threats of “I’ll tell everyone you’ve done this.” Often using your biggest secrets against you, so you conform to the narcissist’s demands for fear of others knowing things you don’t want them to, causing you to feel trapped with no choice but to do as the narcissist says.

4. Aggression. There are many types of aggression they may use. Spitting, slapping, pushing past you, shoving, playfully sitting on you yet you’ve requested them to stop as they are hurting you, so they do it all the more, saying “You’re boring.” Or “It’s only a game.” Only it’s not a game to them and it’s causing you pain, it is them trying to let you know they are strong so you fear them. Things like making you feel guilty over saying no to sex and trying to guilt-trip you, or they may sulk to break down your boundaries and get you to change your mind. Tickling you but to the point it causes pain, and you know they are not playing. Hitting you with something, throwing things at you, hair pulling. Strangling, kicking, biting, burning, force-feeding or denying you the right to eat, shaking you, pinching you, punching you and many more. They will always find a way to justify their behaviour, and it’ll not be a case of a good person pushed to their limits, who understands this is not an excuse to hurt another, knows the error of their ways feels guilty and will never do it again, or a good person throwing things to defend themselves (reactive Abuse.) The Narcissist will find a way to twist all the blame onto you and see no fault in their own behaviour.

5. As those close to the narcissist become used to the behaviour and gain a level of tolerance to the abuse, the narcissist can recognise that if you haven’t fawned to their demands (fawn meaning complying to what they ask of you, walking on eggshells around them to protect yourself from further harm.) some will escalate their intimidation to verbal threats of killing you or your loved ones, physical violence becoming more regular often with the “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” And “who would believe you, you’re crazy. ”

Not all narcissist turn to physical violence, most stick with intimidation.

What to not do.

1. Plead with them to stop, Most see this as a weakness to continue.

2. Argue or fight back, they are not interested in your point of view, and they enjoy taking you off-topic, twisting facts on you, watching you get angry, and they will often provoke until you react, so they can play down what they did, and exaggerate whatever your reaction was.

3. Defend or explain yourself, anything you say will be used against you, know in your own mind what your intentions are, when you explain yourself to the narcissist, they are then left believing they can criticise you, put you down, judge you, and they will do these, know within your own mind, only you define you, and you don’t not have to explain yourself to people who don’t understand you.

4. Seek to be understood or seek them to understand how you feel, they are not interested in you, and they are interested in winning at all cost to you.

5. Don’t make threats back, and this will most likely escalate the situation.

6. Make excuses for their abusive ways, Abuse is Abuse, and no one deserves to be treated that way.

7. Self-blame. You did not cause their abuse, and we are all in control of our own actions towards others. Yes, sometimes even good people get pushed past their limits, but they will feel guilty, a narcissist has no limits, and without consequences from authorities, they will continue to abuse.

How to handle Intimidation.

We are all capable of abuse without even realising it, when we are provoked, angry, hurt or scared. We can all be guilty of judging others, withholding, criticism, and controlling, but where we can see where we went wrong, learn from it, apologies for it, and not do it again, abusers take it to a whole new level and just pass the blame, it’s healthy to be accountable for our own actions, but we should never take accountability for someone else’s, no matter what is said or done, no one is entitled to abuse another person, even good people have their limits, and if you’re around people who push you to those limits, it’s time to walk away from them, if they are narcissistic or not, abuse is abuse, and it’s time to leave them in your past and look toward your future.

People either can not or don’t want to cut people out of their life, or you might still be in the relationship, with a boss, parent, family members, friends or siblings, so here are some ways to handle them.

In order to help yourself when it comes to intimidation, you have to know within yourself, that you do not imagine things, the narcissist twists everything not to be accountable.

If you’re still in a relationship with the narcissist, you need to take notes of these threats, recorded every act no matter how small. Same as your phone, if you can record, take photos and send to a secure email account and delete off the phone. I wish I’d done this more. In the odd moment, I’d take a photo, so I have some evidence, at the time I didn’t know why I did, just that I needed to. in case you need to gather evidence, that they are abusive for any court dates. Never ever show that record to the narcissist to prove you are right, they will take it as a criticism. You will get rage, and it will be destroyed. Make sure it’s kept away from home, or where the narcissist can find it.

If it comes out, some will deny it. Say it’s taken out of context, of that you’ve made it up, with enough evidence, the truth speaks. Their reality is different to yours, and you may also need these to remind yourself of what you are leaving behind, or have left, in those moments of self-doubt that they weren’t that bad.

They will have done their best to get in first with others, and their smear campaign, leave them to the gossip and know your own truths.

A written diary of events down the line will counteract the narcissist, memory of events that took place.

When they start to threaten, if at all possible, you need to leave the room you are in, they may follow as they will feel criticised, only you know the capabilities of the narcissist that you are dealing with. If you stay in the room, do not challenge them as hard as this can be. If you pay close attention, they are very predictable in the patterns, of the way they argue. The manipulation methods they work through, the idolisation, devalue, discard, hoover. Your brain has been trained to respond in a certain way to them, so now you need to make a conscious, effort to re-train your mind.

When you break the repetition of your reactions to them, it gives you an advantage, as they go off balance. Do not agree to save yourself from the threat, do not challenge them on it, no reaction,

If you’ve left, they might stop with the intimidation, and they might change to their next tactic, again if you take note and observe you will see the pattern. Some narcissists are extremely dangerous, so you need to get out and get away, others mostly mouth little action.

Know your boundaries, and stick to them, when you say no, it’s no, having healthy boundaries is to protect yourself.

Get support if needed, police, therapy, speak with those you trust about what is happening to you.

The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum. Yes, they all have the same traits, they are all individuals though, you know what yours is truly capable of.

The narcissist doesn’t learn lessons, as they can not self reflect or accept responsibility for their own actions or mistakes, they just blame all others and never learn from their own behaviour, they will just repeat the same cycle, so once they’ve worked through all other methods and still not got to you. They will go back to intimidation.

You can, and you will move forward to a better life for you.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

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Cognitive Dissonance.

A car journey with a narcissist.

Reactive Abuse.

Why not to argue.

Do Narcissists All Read From The Same Book?

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse by, Elizabeth Shaw – Life coach.

The more you read or hear the story’s about others dealings with narcissists, the more you realise you’re far from alone in this, others have been through seemingly the same identical story’s like you, you can relate so much to what others said happened to them, how you are feeling and you no longer feel alone.

Do narcissists have some form of the written handbook? Or all go the same night classes?

They even use the same phrase. “ my ex was crazy.” “You’re too sensitive.” “That never happened.” “You made me do it.” “If only you’d.” “I’m sorry YOU feel that way.” “You need help.” And all the others.

The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so if they are a narcissist they do have the same character traits, yet as they are individuals they do use them all different, depending on the type of narcissist you’re dealing with, malignant is one of the most dangerous forms, yet you do need to be careful around any narcissist, as those without empathy towards others, if they think they can get away with something they will act on it.

The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and they do need to have at least five traits to have the disorder, these are.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.

2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.

3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.

4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.

5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.

6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.

7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.

8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.

9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.

There are so many similarities, yet there are also differences.

So although their behaviours appears similar it all depends on the narcissist, if eight of you were all with a classic narcissist you will have eerily similar story’s, if eight of you were with a vulnerable you’ll all have similar stories, yet because they can cross over depending on the situation and manipulation needed at the time they use it, if one of you is with a malignant, you’ll still have a few Story’s the similar as the other sixteen people who weren’t with a malignant.

It’s a personality type, they are very similar, some will be more physically violent, others will use no physical violence, a lot like to try and strangle you, yet there is those who will not. They do cross over. All use psychological manipulation, most if not all will use the silent treatment, yet some will use it more often than others, or some will go more for the disappearing act, others will use the present silent treatment more, some will spit and slap, some may punch, some will destroy property, others will not, or extremely rare. Some like to bite or kick, some even headbutt walls and doors, etc., some do not. They all gaslight; some are smarter than others in doing so; those who are smarter will use gaslighting as their primary tactic. All will use your weakness to threaten or provoke to gain reactions to blame you. They all have similar behaviours they just use the tactics on different levels, some rage and turn to physical violence, and others plan your downfall more carefully. Most will pity play at some point, the victim narcissist most often, and even if they’re not a covert narcissist, all will manipulate any way they can, they all want control of those around them, due to their lack in cognitive reflection skills, they all believe their own version of reality, some will use a false apology if they think they can gain something by doing so.

Most will idolise you, devalue you and them discard you. Most will come back with the hoover, there is, however, the odd one that’s too lazy to do so.

Narcissists all need attention, positive or negative; they all need control and power, they all seek to destroy those who criticise them, they all have no genuine emotional empathy, and they all see those around them as an extension of themselves, they all exploit people, they all see others as an object to pick up and put down when they can meet a need.

Where we turn the hot tap on for a warm bath, they charm people for positive emotions, and positive attention and admiration.

Where we turn the cold tap on for a drink, they turn to silent treatment, anger and rage for negative emotions, negative attention, and so people fear them or walk on eggshells around them.

Narcissists just use people to meet a need of their own, with no regard for others feelings.

Their reality is the reality, and yours isn’t of value to them.

You will always be wrong, even when you’re right.

Rule 1, a narcissist is always right.

Rule 2 if a narcissist is wrong rule 1 applies.

As a narcissist can not self reflect, nothing is ever their fault or problem, and they will project and blame-shift and once done they’ve escaped all accountability, take no responsibility for their own actions and never learn from their mistakes as to them it’s always someone else’s fault, forever repeating their own negative life cycle.

If you ever questioned if you were the narcissists, yet you felt like you were to blame for everything that goes wrong, and you have empathy towards others, you are not the narcissist.

They can not self-trust. Therefore, they don’t trust those around them.

They have a self-entitlement and believe others are here to serve them to meet their demands simply.

They all lie, and they all manipulate.

They all have a false perception of humanity therefor all those around them are never to be trusted.

Some are needy, some are passive-aggressive, some are aggressive, and some are grandiose.

Some are highly successful, and some cannot be bothered to work.

They all love bomb, devalue, smear, discard, destroy and then most hover.

They all hit that cycle of the repeat. A washing machine stuck on autopilot, while ever we allow them to continue.

Not everyone is a narcissistic person, yes most people have one trait, just because some is self-confident doesn’t make them a narcissist, if someone is woe is me without the other characteristics they are not a narcissist, some people go silent when they are hurt, they will then talk and explain, they don’t do it to manipulate, they do it because they don’t have the words and when they do they’ll talk, without the other traits they are not narcissistic. Narcissists deploy the silent treatment to hurt others and gain control.

So why do narcissist all act the same? It’s merely because they all have the same disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder.

They want to be the puppet masters.

Research suggests there are seven types on the spectrum.

Classic grandiose.



Then the subtypes





Although researchers have suggested, there is also the inverted cerebral vulnerable, but some say, that’s the other seven crossings over, which they do cross over.

Narcissists are incredibly negative, toxic people, they either do not feel positive emotions like, joy, happiness, pleasure, peace, hope, gratitude, love, satisfaction, interest, amusement, relief, confidence, at least they can not create those feelings within themselves by being a good person, they meet those feelings from the attention they gain from others, as they don’t seem to be able to self regulate these emotions, they don’t last, and they go around zapping them out of those close to them, those close to them are often left with physical and mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, CPTSD. So the narcissist moves on to drain the life out of someone new. Most feel negative emotions, envy, greed, lust, anger, resentment, desire, which their negative emotions are what most often feeds their drive to destroy those around them.

Most are either completely lacking or stunted in the feelings of, guilt, remorse, or empathy, why they are able to hurt others without a care seemingly, those who do feel these at the moment, will quickly shift the blame, so they no longer feel them.

So it’s less like they read from one book and more like hepatology.

Which seven types of narcissists is somewhat ironic seen as they all follow the seven deadly sins, and they literally kill off the spirit from those around them.

The seven deadly sins.

Pride, excessive belief in own abilities.

Envy, for all other traits, status, possessions, abilities or situations.

Gluttony, they steal everything from others even if they do not need it.

Lust, adulatory.

Anger, hot or cold, passive or aggressive, desire to hurt or punish others.

Greed, for materialistic items, always wanting the best.

Sloth, avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

Which sums up the emotional traits of the people on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. Why they operate with very similar stories.

The bottom line is they all have a personality disorder, the narcissist personality disorder, they all feel entitled, and they all use others to meet a need of their own.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who stay in their own lane and do good by others, are pleased for other, look at others and think wow I could do that, without taking others out, and there are those who try to cross lanes to cut people up, destroy others to build themselves up. Not all who are negative are narcissists, yet all narcissists are negative.

If you’ve delt, or you are dealing with anyone like this within your life, be it a parent, sibling, in-laws, child, boss, friend those who threaten, those who invalidate your feelings, and you might fear speaking up or out against them, there are help and support systems available, always call the relevant authorities as soon as someone tries to threaten you, save all emails, messages, photos etc. as evidence.

If you need to take action, set time aside each day to sort, think and take action on what you need to, then use your conscious thoughts, to get on with the rest of your day, look for a better life for you. Things you’d like to accomplish for you in the future, what are you good at? What do you enjoy? Reach out to those who’ve lived it, to give you the understanding and clarity, and often a good mind dump can help, seek appropriate treatment like EMDR. Some people can self recover, and some need extra support and guidance. Look for ways that suit you to overcome anxiety and find the right coping strategies for you, get some exercise, meditation, listen or watch uplifting things, in the smear campaigns don’t worry what others say about you, what they think of you is none of your business, only you define you.

Most importantly, laugh, find your sense of humour, whatever that humour is for you.

When you wake in the morning feeling low and drained, your far from alone, stop yourself, don’t start looking for reasons of why you feel low, no matter how hard, stand tall and put that big smile on your face, and look for all the things that make you feel happy, when something hits that day to bring you down, because life is hard at times don’t do the why me? Do the what is this teaching me? Take a moment to deal with it, if you can not, let it go and move on, find something good, go back to it later if you must, leave it if you can, each and every moment is a moment in time and once done it’s done, so try to make the most, and when it hits hard, remember it’s a moment, it will pass, and it’ll pass quicker if you help it pass.

No, it’s not easy to start. However, it’s possible, and the more you try, the easier it becomes.

Sometimes it can feel like you’re doing so well then bam out of nowhere another storm hits, these storms pass, don’t look at it as problem, or you’ve not made it yet, life is about growth, everything grows, and when it’s not growing it’s dying, flowers lose their petals, to flower again, trees lose their leaves faster in storms, ready to come back the next year after a little bigger and a little brighter than the year before.

When those storms hit, it’s either to remind you of how far you’ve come or to tell you to changes direction, and it’s up to you which you do, storms are never for you to remain stuck.

Sometimes our comfort zone is so uncomfortable, yet we stay for fear of the unknown, yet once we face the fear and step into that unknown, we see our old comfort zone was never that comfortable in the first place.

Stay safe, stay happy, tell yourself you can, and you will.

Join me on social media.







Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

All about the narcissist Online course.

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @

Why a narcissist will not let you go.

The smear campaign.

Changing your limiting beliefs.