Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse By, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Most people scorned by a narcissist, male or Female, your partner, parent, boss or friend, once we’ve realised we’ve been conned, juped, taken advantage of, and worse that narcissist who once claimed to love is so much, doesn’t actually care, we want to see karma hit them, and would like to give karma a helping hand.
So how do we defeat or take revenge on a narcissist, because we’ve been left, angry, hurt and confused? These are all normal emotions many experiences after going through trauma with a narcissist.
First, we need to work through these feelings and process them to heal. These are normal feelings, wanting revenge is a normal reaction, seeing karma hit them and raising a smile, is a normal human reaction.
If they discarded you, or you have to see them because you’ve got children with them. It’s hard, it gets easier, and you will get to the point where you are just simply no longer interested in them.
If your parents cut you off, or you had to walk away, and they’re busy smearing your name.
If your boss fired you, or you finally had the courage to walk away, and they’re giving you bad reference after bad reference, making sure no-one employs you, keep applying you will find that job.
If the narcissist leaves you, they will most often have someone waiting, and they jump straight into a new relationship, no one falls in love faster than a narcissist needing somewhere to live. So you might be looking for revenge, the new person is no better than you, they are just a person like you, most often sadly the narcissist is only using them to cover up their own insecurities, just how they used you. They will one day, unfortunately, get treated just how you did. Sometimes although you’ll not see it in those first few days, weeks, or months, if you take a step back, observe the whole situation in its entirety, especially when you’re moving onwards and upwards within your own life, believe it or not, you’ll be grateful they left, you may even be thankful to their new partner for taking them off your hands, giving you a new lease of life, you might even go through a phase of pity towards the narcissist, the more you learn why they are the way they are, you might then feel sorry for the new partner and everything they’re about to go through, knowing all too well how special and loved they feel right now, and how they are not loved they’re just being used like you were, then they’ll slowly get destroyed, and the new partner will have to go through the whole journey you have. You might even want to reach out and warn them, and I wouldn’t recommend this, what would you have done if the narcissists crazy ex-had reached out to you, during the idolisation stage? You will get to a point, where you are no longer thinking about them all the time, and if they pop into your mind, you will swiftly remember how great your life is now, remove that thought and get on with your day, use pattern interrupt, it is a skill that takes time to learn, if they are still running around your mind, once you do learn, it will become second nature until you get to the point, you no longer think about them.
If you’ve been with them a long time, if you have children with them and they discard you for someone new, it is heartbreaking enough, without all the other stuff they’ve done to you.
You have to go through the process of grieving, talk to someone close, if you have someone, write it all down, join support groups, whatever works for you. Once you’ve let it all out and grieved correctly, you’ll no longer need to revisit it, when you do your feelings will be different to how they are now, educate yourself of everything you’ve been through.
It truly will get easier if you work on it.
The narcissist wants attention from you, negative or positive.
The best revenge as hard as it is to start with, and perhaps not what you want to hear is. Move forward with your life and leave them on the past, the traits of their disorder is they feel superior, and they feel entitled, they thrive off attention any attention, and sometimes they can use our reactions to their behaviour against us to help with their smear campaigns. They are arrogant and dominate and want control. They are also extremely envious of others, a thing a narcissist fears most is being insignificant, not being in control, not getting attention and people doing well without them. When we move on with our own lives like they never even existed, when we work through all the emotions and look through it as an outsider, realise it was only our pride talking, and they’ve actually done us a big favour moving on so fast, as a narcissist will never truly love or care for us when we clearly see reality again, we became thankful that you’re out.
Moving on with our life, leaving them in the past where they belong, while we focus on our future, renders them insignificant to us, and that’s the best revenge, by keeping our karma intact, not doing anything that would hurt someone else, not doing something that would make us feel regret or guilt and have more emotions to overcome, use the pain they leave you with as your driving force to a happier more successful future without them.
To beat someone at their game, you have to get down to their level, you’re not a bad person, it is normal to have feelings of wanting hurt someone, who used and abused you, but you’ll never be on their level, you’re far better than they’ll ever be.
What you feel is valid and normal. They fed you a dream and sold you a nightmare.
When people can treat you how a narcissistic person does, it leaves most extremely hurt and confused.
I’m so thankful and grateful that I’m out, it’s a tough journey to go through, but I wouldn’t be who I am now, I wouldn’t have met some of the most amazing incredible people that I’ve met, I wouldn’t be able to help those who need the help, I wouldn’t have the lessons to move me forward into being a better person, I wouldn’t be teaching my children the things I am now. I wouldn’t be as positive as I am now.
It’s not easy, in fact, I’ve had plenty of really low moments, bringing old memories up, seeing them for who they indeed are, the radical realisation of the part I played in their games.
It’s what made me who I am today, and I’m far from perfect, I make mistakes, I don’t destroy people though, I can experience, pain, joy and happiness, I can get through hard times, I can survive, and so can you.
No matter where you are on your journey of rediscovery, believe in you, congratulate yourself, and If you are at the start get the help and support you need if you are in the middle keep going, you’ve got this. If you have recovered, great job because it’s tough-going at times, but you can show others that, they’re not alone, and better things will come.
So just cut off the narcissists supply, they want attention, they want information, they want your reactions, negative or positive, just don’t give them any, stop focusing on them and their games and bring your focus back on you and creating your new life now.
If you can not do no contact, then you must set boundaries, don’t tell them anything about your new life, learn to manage your emotions around them, so when they say stuff to hurt you, you can actually stand in front of them and in your head, you’ll be thinking. “ have they seriously just said that.” Or” they actually believe that.” And the “ who are they and what on earth did I ever see in this person?” Once you learn reality again, you’ll actually no longer find them attractive, and real beauty comes from within. I actually look at my ex now with not only, what did I ever see in you, but your not even attractive. When someone has an ugly soul and an ugly heart, that can not be helped, it is a real eye-opener, to how incredibly lucky we are, that you can hurt, you can heal, and you can love.
Observe don’t absorb, when you practice this you, see the bully for who they indeed are. Leaving them behind, no longer shocked or offended when they try to break down your boundaries, no longer fear to say no, no longer feeling the need to defend yourself to them.
The best and only way to get revenge on a narcissist is no reaction, go work on you, become happy again, take away your attention from them and give it to those who do love and care for you, also give that love and care to yourself.
They have to live with themselves, they are so profoundly damaged inside they don’t even know it go heal, the karma is, you can escape them, they can never escape themselves, if you find out that karma hit them, you are entitled to be happy, you are entitled to feel sorry for them, you are allowed to feel how you feel in any given moment, emotions are a part of life, we just need to learn how to handle our emotions the correct way.
The best revenge, leave them in the past and create a much happier life for you.
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