Nice to Your Face, Toxic Behind Your Back: 7 Narcissistic Behaviours

Have you ever met someone who seems incredibly warm, supportive, and kind—at least when you’re standing right in front of them? They compliment you, smile, and make you feel valued. But later, you hear a very different story. The same person who praised you moments ago is now criticising, questioning, or even undermining you behind your back.

This confusing contrast is not just coincidence. It is a pattern commonly associated with narcissistic behaviour. While not everyone who gossips is a narcissist, this specific mix of charm in public and criticism in private is a strong red flag. Understanding these behaviours can help you recognise them early and protect your peace.

Below are seven common narcissistic behaviours that reveal this “two-faced” dynamic.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

1. Sweet in Person, Critical Afterwards

One of the most obvious signs is the immediate shift in tone. In person, they may say things like, “You look amazing,” or “It’s so good to see you.” Their energy feels warm and welcoming.

But as soon as the person leaves, the compliments disappear. They might roll their eyes, laugh, or begin pointing out flaws. What seemed like genuine kindness was often just performance—designed to maintain a positive image rather than reflect their true thoughts.

2. Planting Doubt About Someone’s Character

Rather than openly attacking someone, narcissistic individuals often use subtle language to damage reputations. After being perfectly pleasant face-to-face, they might later say, “I don’t know… something feels off about them,” or “I’m not sure they’re as nice as they seem.”

These comments are intentionally vague. They don’t provide clear evidence, but they plant seeds of doubt. Over time, this can influence how others perceive the person, all while the narcissist appears calm, reasonable, and even thoughtful.

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3. Creating Suspicion

Another common tactic is positioning themselves as someone who is “just looking out for you.” They might say, “Just be careful around them,” or “Watch your back with that one.”

At first glance, this can seem protective. But in reality, it creates unnecessary suspicion and tension. It subtly shifts trust away from the targeted person and toward the narcissist, who appears to be the one offering guidance or warning.

4. Judging Other People’s Choices

Narcissistic individuals often feel entitled to critique decisions that have nothing to do with them. Whether it’s someone’s career path, relationship, or lifestyle, they may quietly judge and discuss it behind closed doors.

What makes this behaviour particularly toxic is the lack of accountability. They rarely express these opinions directly to the person involved. Instead, they share them with others, creating a narrative that positions them as superior or more informed.

5. Sharing Other People’s Business

Private information becomes social currency. Something told in confidence can quickly turn into a story shared with multiple people.

This isn’t always framed as malicious. It may sound like concern: “I feel bad for them, but…” followed by details that were never meant to be public. In reality, this behaviour often serves to draw attention, gain sympathy, or create a sense of importance.

Over time, it erodes trust—not just for the person being talked about, but for anyone who realises their own private matters could be treated the same way.

6. Subtle Put-Downs

Not all criticism is obvious. In fact, some of the most harmful comments are disguised as casual observations.

For example: “They say they wake up early every day… but I’ve seen otherwise,” or “They’re doing well, I guess—but who really knows?” These remarks may seem small, but they slowly chip away at someone’s credibility.

Because they are indirect, they are harder to challenge. If confronted, the narcissist can easily deny any negative intent, making the other person seem overly sensitive.

7. Presenting Themselves as the Victim

Perhaps the most manipulative behaviour is reframing criticism as kindness. Instead of openly speaking negatively, they might say, “I’ve tried so hard to be nice to them,” or “I don’t know why they treat me this way.”

This creates a powerful illusion. The narcissist appears patient, generous, and misunderstood, while the other person is subtly cast as difficult or ungrateful. It shifts sympathy toward the narcissist and reinforces their carefully constructed image.

Why This Behaviour Happens

At the core of these behaviours is a strong desire to control how others perceive them. Narcissistic individuals often prioritise their public image above authenticity. Being seen as kind, supportive, or trustworthy is essential to maintaining their social standing.

At the same time, criticism behind closed doors allows them to elevate themselves by diminishing others. It creates a sense of superiority without risking direct confrontation or accountability.

This duality—charm in public, criticism in private—is what makes the behaviour so confusing and, at times, emotionally draining for those around them.

How to Respond

Recognising the pattern is the first step. If you notice someone frequently speaking negatively about others when they’re not present, it’s worth paying attention. This behaviour rarely exists in isolation.

Here are a few ways to protect yourself:

Be mindful of what you share: If someone regularly gossips, assume your information may not stay private.
Observe consistency: Notice whether their words match their actions across different situations.
Avoid engaging in gossip: Not participating can help you maintain integrity and distance from the behaviour.
Set boundaries: You don’t have to listen to or validate conversations that feel uncomfortable or unfair.

Final Thoughts

One of the clearest signs of narcissistic behaviour is the contrast between how someone acts in public and how they speak in private. Kindness that only exists when it can be seen is often not genuine kindness at all.

If someone regularly criticises others behind their backs, it’s important to remember: this pattern doesn’t stop with other people. There’s a strong chance the same conversations happen when you’re not in the room.

Awareness isn’t about becoming suspicious of everyone—it’s about recognising patterns that protect your trust, your boundaries, and your well-being.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

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Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

🧠 How To Heal From Narcissistic Abuse: A CBT Recovery Program A structured, step-by-step healing program designed to help you rebuild your confidence, regulate triggers, and break trauma bonds using practical CBT-based tools. Learn how to reframe toxic thought patterns, strengthen emotional boundaries, and regain control of your life.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Why Narcissists Give Gifts: Manipulative Behaviour & Red Flags

Gift-giving is often seen as a symbol of care, generosity, and connection. In healthy relationships, a gift is freely given, with no expectations beyond the joy it brings. But if you’ve ever received a gift that left you feeling uneasy, pressured, or even guilty, you may have encountered a very different dynamic.

When it comes to narcissistic behaviour, gifts are not always what they seem. They can be used as subtle tools for control, validation, and emotional manipulation. Understanding these patterns is an important step in recognising narcissistic abuse—and protecting your emotional wellbeing.

The Hidden Purpose Behind Narcissistic Gift Giving

At first glance, a narcissist’s gift may appear thoughtful or even extravagant. But beneath the surface, the intention is often not about you—it’s about them.

Narcissistic individuals typically seek what psychologists call validation or supply: attention, admiration, and a sense of control. Gift-giving can become a strategy to secure these needs. Rather than a genuine act of kindness, the gift serves a purpose—whether that’s to influence your behaviour, repair their image, or reinforce emotional dependency.

This is why their behaviour around gifts can feel confusing. The gesture looks positive, but the emotional experience tells a different story.

1. Gifts With Strings Attached

One of the most common narcissistic behaviours is giving gifts that come with unspoken expectations.

Initially, the gift may feel generous. But later, it resurfaces—often at a moment when the narcissist wants something from you. They might remind you of what they’ve done, subtly implying that you now “owe” them.

This creates a transactional dynamic. The gift is no longer a gift—it becomes leverage.

You may find yourself agreeing to things you’re uncomfortable with, simply to avoid guilt or conflict. Over time, this can erode your sense of autonomy and reinforce the power imbalance in the relationship.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

2. Expecting Praise and Admiration

In healthy relationships, the giver enjoys your happiness. With narcissistic behaviour, the focus shifts to how the gift reflects on them.

They may expect an enthusiastic reaction—gratitude, excitement, even admiration. If your response doesn’t meet their expectations, they can become irritated, withdrawn, or offended.

This isn’t about appreciation—it’s about validation.

You may start to feel pressure to perform the “right” reaction, rather than responding authentically. Over time, this reinforces a pattern where your emotional expression becomes shaped by their needs, not your own.

3. Using Gifts to Avoid Accountability

Another key red flag is the use of gifts after conflict or hurtful behaviour.

Instead of addressing what happened, taking responsibility, or having an honest conversation, a narcissist may offer a gift as a shortcut to resolution. This can feel confusing—especially if part of you wants to believe things are improving.

But the underlying issue remains unresolved.

This behaviour is often linked to love bombing or intermittent reinforcement, where moments of kindness are used to offset periods of harm. It can create a cycle where you begin to associate gifts with reconciliation, even when real change hasn’t occurred.

4. Choosing Gifts That Benefit Them

Not all narcissistic gifts are obviously manipulative. Sometimes, the issue lies in the choice itself.

You may receive something that reflects their interests, their preferences, or their convenience—not yours. It might be something they enjoy, something that makes their life easier, or something that subtly reinforces their identity.

This reveals an important pattern: a lack of genuine attunement to your needs.

While it may seem minor, repeated experiences like this can make you feel unseen, misunderstood, or unimportant within the relationship.

5. Keeping Score

Healthy generosity doesn’t keep a tally. Narcissistic behaviour often does.

You may notice that gifts are frequently brought up in conversations—especially during disagreements. Statements like “after everything I’ve done for you” or “I bought you this, and this is how you treat me?” are common.

The gift becomes a tool for guilt.

This creates an emotional burden, where past gestures are used to control present behaviour. It can make it difficult to set boundaries or express your needs without feeling selfish or ungrateful.

6. Controlling Your Reaction

Another subtle but powerful pattern is how a narcissist responds to your reaction.

If your response isn’t enthusiastic enough, they may become disappointed, critical, or even angry. The focus shifts from the act of giving to how well you validate them in return.

This can make you second-guess your natural reactions. You may feel pressure to exaggerate your gratitude or hide your true feelings to avoid conflict.

Over time, this undermines your emotional authenticity and reinforces a dynamic where their ego takes priority over your experience.

Why This Matters

Individually, these behaviours may seem small or easy to dismiss. But together, they form a pattern—one that can have a significant impact on your emotional wellbeing.

Narcissistic gift-giving is rarely about connection. It’s about control, validation, and maintaining influence within the relationship.

Recognising these patterns can help you:

Trust your instincts when something feels off
Break free from guilt-based decision making
Set clearer, healthier boundaries
Reduce emotional confusion and self-doubt

Most importantly, it helps you reclaim your sense of reality.

Moving Towards Healing

If you recognise these behaviours, it’s important to remember: your response is valid. Feeling uncomfortable, pressured, or confused doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful—it means something isn’t aligned.

Healing from narcissistic abuse often involves rebuilding trust in yourself, understanding emotional triggers, and learning how to respond differently to manipulation.

Structured approaches, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), can be especially effective. They help you identify distorted thought patterns, challenge internalised beliefs, and develop practical tools for emotional regulation and boundary-setting.

Gifts should feel safe, thoughtful, and freely given. When they come with pressure, guilt, or expectations, it’s worth paying attention—because real generosity doesn’t keep score.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

The Mind Games Narcissists Play Through Their Phones

Narcissistic mind games don’t always happen face-to-face. In today’s world, some of the most confusing and emotionally draining dynamics play out through a screen — through texts, calls, and the silent spaces in between.

At first, it might feel exciting. Your phone lights up constantly. Messages come in quickly, full of attention, interest, and intensity. You feel seen. Chosen. Important.

Then something shifts.

The replies slow down. The tone changes. Where there was warmth, there is now distance. Where there was consistency, there is now unpredictability. And without any clear explanation, you find yourself staring at your phone, wondering what changed.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

This is where the mind games often begin.

One of the most common patterns is inconsistency. A narcissist may message you constantly one day, then disappear the next. This creates a cycle of anticipation and anxiety. You start checking your phone more often, replaying conversations, looking for clues. The unpredictability keeps you emotionally hooked, because you’re always waiting for things to go back to how they were.

Another tactic is delayed responses. They may see your message but not reply for hours — or even days — despite being active online. This isn’t always accidental. The delay can create a subtle sense of unease, making you question your importance to them. When they do reply, it often feels like relief, reinforcing the cycle.

Then there’s selective engagement. They might ignore certain questions completely while responding to others. You could ask something direct, only to receive a reply that shifts the topic. Over time, this can make you feel unheard and even hesitant to ask questions at all.

Read receipts and online status can also become tools in these dynamics. Seeing that someone has read your message but chosen not to respond can feel personal, even when you try to rationalise it. You may start to wonder if you said something wrong, even when you didn’t.

Another common pattern is short, minimal replies. Where there was once enthusiasm, there are now one-word answers or vague responses. This can leave you doing most of the emotional work in the conversation, trying to keep it alive.

At times, there may also be sudden bursts of attention — messages that pull you back in just when you’ve started to detach. A kind message, a check-in, or even something nostalgic. These moments can feel meaningful, but they often restart the same cycle of inconsistency.

Over time, these patterns can have a real emotional impact. You may find yourself becoming more anxious, more reactive, or more focused on your phone than you used to be. You might overanalyse messages, read into punctuation, or wait for replies in a way that feels consuming.

What makes this especially difficult is that none of these behaviours, on their own, seem extreme. It’s the repetition and the pattern that create the confusion.

It’s important to remember that communication should feel relatively steady and respectful. Occasional delays or missed messages are normal — but consistent patterns that leave you feeling unsure, anxious, or devalued are worth paying attention to.

If you notice yourself constantly checking your phone, second-guessing your messages, or feeling relieved just to get a reply, it may be a sign that the dynamic is affecting you more than you realise.

Awareness is a powerful first step. When you can recognise the pattern, you begin to step out of it. Instead of reacting to every delay or change in tone, you can start to observe it more objectively.

You might choose to set boundaries around communication — not responding immediately, not chasing replies, or not engaging with conversations that feel dismissive. You may also find it helpful to focus more on how interactions make you feel, rather than trying to decode every message.

Healthy communication doesn’t leave you feeling confused or constantly questioning yourself. It doesn’t rely on unpredictability to keep you engaged.

At the end of the day, your time, attention, and emotional energy are valuable. And the way someone communicates with you — even through something as simple as a phone — can tell you a lot about how they value those things.

If it feels like a game, it probably is.

And you don’t have to play.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

7 Projection Phrases Narcissists Use to Shift Blame

Have you ever been accused of something that felt strangely inaccurate — yet somehow convincing enough to make you question yourself?

In many cases, this experience is not random. It may be the result of projection, a psychological defence mechanism where a person attributes their own behaviour, thoughts, or emotions to someone else. Instead of acknowledging their actions, they externalise them — placing responsibility onto you.

In narcissistic dynamics, projection is not occasional. It becomes a pattern.

Over time, it can create confusion, distort your sense of reality, and shift accountability away from the person responsible. What makes it particularly effective is how believable it can sound in the moment.

Below are seven common phrases often used in projection — and what they may actually reveal.

1. “You’re the one who’s selfish.”

This accusation often appears when someone is prioritising their own needs while ignoring yours.

Rather than acknowledging their lack of consideration, they label you as the selfish one. This shifts the focus away from their behaviour and places you in a defensive position.

You may find yourself over-explaining, trying to prove that you are not selfish — while their behaviour remains unexamined.

2. “You’re trying to control me.”

This phrase is frequently used by individuals who are, in reality, highly controlling themselves.

They may dictate outcomes, steer conversations, or subtly manipulate situations. However, when you assert a boundary or express a need, the accusation is reversed.

By labelling you as controlling, they create a narrative where your attempt to protect yourself becomes the problem.

3. “You’re always lying.”

When someone regularly distorts the truth, denies events, or rewrites conversations, this phrase may surface.

Accusing you of dishonesty serves two purposes. First, it diverts attention away from their own lack of transparency. Second, it undermines your credibility.

Over time, this can lead you to question your memory or second-guess your version of events — even when you were initially certain.

4. “You’re the toxic one.”

This is one of the more powerful forms of projection because it reframes the entire dynamic.

Instead of addressing harmful behaviour, the label of “toxic” is redirected onto you. This can be particularly confusing if you have been trying to resolve issues calmly or constructively.

The accusation shifts the narrative: from their behaviour being the issue, to you being the source of the problem.

5. “You’re so manipulative.”

When manipulation is identified or challenged, it is often flipped.

By accusing you of being manipulative, they deflect attention and regain control of the narrative. This can leave you feeling defensive and uncertain, even when your intentions were clear.

It also discourages you from raising concerns in the future, as doing so may result in further accusations.

6. “You’re the one causing all the problems.”

This phrase removes any shared responsibility.

Conflict in relationships is rarely one-sided, but projection allows one person to avoid self-reflection entirely. By placing all responsibility on you, they maintain a position where they do not need to change.

This can lead to a dynamic where you are constantly trying to “fix” things — while the underlying issues remain unresolved.

7. “You’re the one who started this.”

Even when you are reacting to something that has already happened, the narrative may be reframed so that you appear to be the instigator.

This shifts attention away from the original behaviour and onto your response. Over time, this can condition you to stay silent or minimise your reactions to avoid being blamed.

The result is a dynamic where your voice becomes increasingly limited.

Why Projection Works

Projection is effective because it creates confusion.

When accusations mirror the other person’s behaviour, it becomes difficult to separate what is real from what is being suggested. You may begin to question your own intentions, your memory, or your reactions.

This confusion is not accidental — it benefits the person using it. As long as the focus remains on you, they avoid accountability.

The Psychological Impact

Repeated exposure to projection can have a significant effect.

You may begin to:

Doubt your perception of events
Feel responsible for problems you did not create
Overanalyse your behaviour in an attempt to avoid conflict
Lose confidence in your own judgment

Over time, this can lead to a state where you rely more on their version of reality than your own.

Recognising the Pattern

The key to breaking the cycle is not to argue every accusation — it is to recognise the pattern behind them.

If you consistently find that:

You are being accused of behaviours you do not recognise in yourself
The accusations closely reflect the other person’s actions
The focus repeatedly shifts away from their behaviour

Then you may not be dealing with isolated misunderstandings, but with a consistent use of projection.

Maintaining Clarity

Once you recognise projection, the goal is to maintain clarity rather than get pulled into the confusion.

This means:

Observing patterns instead of reacting to individual statements
Trusting your perception when it is consistent over time
Avoiding the need to constantly defend yourself against every accusation

Clarity does not come from winning the argument.
It comes from understanding the dynamic.

Final Thought

Projection works because it reverses roles.

It makes the person causing the problem appear as the victim, and the person reacting appear as the cause.

But when you step back and look at the pattern, the reversal becomes visible.

And once you see it clearly, it becomes much harder to be pulled into it again.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program