7 Things Narcissists Say When They’re Losing Control
When a narcissist feels in control, they can appear calm, confident, even charming. They may seem persuasive, composed and entirely reasonable.
But the moment you begin setting boundaries, questioning their behaviour, or refusing to react in the way you once did, something shifts.
The tone changes.
The language sharpens.
The manipulation becomes more obvious.
When control starts slipping, their words reveal far more than they intend.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Here are seven common things narcissists say when they feel their grip weakening — and what those phrases really mean.
1. “You’ve changed.”
On the surface, this may sound observational. Perhaps even disappointed.
But what it often means is: You’re no longer easy to manage.
When you grow, assert boundaries, or begin acting independently, it disrupts the dynamic. Narcissistic relationships frequently rely on predictability — your emotional responses, your willingness to accommodate, your silence.
Growth feels threatening when someone benefits from your compliance.
“You’ve changed” is rarely about concern. It is about discomfort. Your development removes the control they once relied upon.
2. “You’re overreacting.”
This is a classic minimisation tactic.
Rather than addressing the behaviour you are raising, the focus shifts to your reaction. Your feelings become the issue.
If they can frame you as irrational or dramatic, they avoid accountability. The goal is not resolution — it is redirection.
Repeated often enough, this can create self-doubt. You may begin questioning your own emotional judgement.
However, healthy communication does not dismiss emotion. It seeks to understand it.
When control slips, minimising your response is a quick way to regain psychological footing.
3. “After everything I’ve done for you…”
Here, guilt becomes leverage.
Past gestures, support or generosity are presented as emotional currency — something you now owe.
In healthy relationships, kindness is not transactional. It is not stored away for use during conflict.
When a narcissist feels control fading, reminding you of their “sacrifices” helps re-establish obligation. The focus shifts from their current behaviour to your supposed ingratitude.
The discussion is no longer about the issue.
It becomes about your loyalty.
4. “You’re too sensitive.”
Labelling your emotional response as weakness allows dismissal without engagement.
This phrase reframes empathy as fragility. It suggests the problem is not what was said or done, but your inability to tolerate it.
Over time, hearing this repeatedly can erode confidence. You may begin suppressing feelings to avoid criticism.
But emotional awareness is not weakness. Sensitivity is not a flaw.
When someone dismisses your concerns in this way, it often signals avoidance of responsibility rather than genuine misunderstanding.
5. “No one else has a problem with me.”
Here, public image becomes a defence.
They appeal to reputation to invalidate your private experience.
This tactic can feel isolating. It implies that if others do not see a problem, the issue must lie with you.
Yet many narcissistic individuals maintain carefully managed external personas. Charm in public does not negate harm in private.
When control begins to slip, invoking social proof protects their ego and undermines your credibility.
The focus moves from behaviour to perception.
6. “Fine. I’m just a terrible person then.”
At first glance, this may sound like accountability.
It is not.
It is emotional deflection.
This exaggerated self-criticism redirects the conversation. Instead of discussing the behaviour in question, you feel compelled to reassure them.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“You’re not terrible.”
Suddenly, you are comforting the person who caused the issue.
True accountability sounds measured and specific:
“You’re right. That wasn’t fair. Let’s talk about it.”
Deflection sounds dramatic and self-pitying.
The aim is to restore emotional control, not resolve the problem.
7. “You’re the abusive one.”
When control decreases, projection often increases.
This tactic is sometimes referred to as DARVO — Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
They deny wrongdoing, attack your character, and position themselves as the victim.
The result is confusion.
If they can destabilise your sense of reality, they regain psychological advantage.
Projection protects their ego while forcing you into defence mode.
And when you are defending yourself, you are no longer holding them accountable.
Why Their Language Changes
Narcissistic dynamics frequently revolve around emotional influence. As long as your reactions are predictable, control feels secure.
But boundaries disrupt predictability.
Emotional detachment removes fuel.
Calm responses weaken manipulation.
When you stop reacting in familiar ways, escalation often follows.
Not because you are wrong.
But because the dynamic is shifting.
Words become sharper. Tactics become clearer. Attempts to provoke intensify.
This stage can feel unsettling — particularly if you are accustomed to maintaining harmony.
However, the shift is not a sign of failure.
It is often a sign of strength.
Control Versus Communication
Healthy communication includes:
- Acknowledgement
- Mutual problem-solving
- Empathy
- Repair
Control sounds different. It involves:
- Blame
- Guilt
- Minimisation
- Reversal
- Projection
The clearer you can hear the distinction, the less confusing these exchanges become.
You stop seeking clarity from someone invested in distortion.
You stop explaining yourself to someone determined to misinterpret.
You begin protecting your peace.
Recognition Is Power
The most significant shift is not changing what they say.
It is changing how you interpret it.
Once you understand these phrases as tactics rather than truths, they lose much of their emotional impact.
“You’ve changed” becomes evidence of growth.
“You’re overreacting” becomes avoidance.
“You’re the abusive one” becomes projection.
Control depends upon confusion.
Clarity disrupts it.
And once you recognise the pattern in real time, you stop reacting automatically.
You begin responding deliberately.
That is where your power returns.
Not through winning arguments.
But through refusing to participate in manipulation.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.








