Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Narcissists what they say and what they actually mean, some examples of the top gaslighting sentences they say to manipulate you, to cause cognitive dissonance within your mind, when they continually tell you one thing, yet it rarely matches your reality, then they will often isolate you, so you only have them for the reality checks, even if they haven’t isolated you, not wanting to open up to others for fear of judgment, or not being understood, added words from the narcissist of ”Who would believe you.” and then with the added obvious or subtle threats they throw in, it’s a terrifying, confusing place to live, and a difficult place to escape from. With reactive abuse, this can make you fear speaking out, and this can end up making you feel like you’re the narcissist if you have empathy for other people you are not.
Remember the three E’s if someone lacks in genuine empathy towards you if they act entitled and if they exploit others, no matter what they tell you, they only seek to harm you if they are physically abusive of not if they try to control your life you need to remove yourself from their life safely.
People on the narcissist personality disorder spectrum are very egotistical, self-centred people and expect others to give them everything they want. Without giving anything back, they are tough to spot in society, and they are the masters of manipulation. They are masters of words and lies, the lies they tell they often believe themselves. They use lies and manipulation so well that even when their actions don’t match their words. You doubt yourself and not them. Many a narcissist could possibly pass a lie director test, as they rewrite history to escape accountability, and with little to no cognitive reflection skills, their lies over time become their truths, while those around them who think empathetically and have emotional empathy end up extremely disorientated, and drained, trying to look for the good in those who continue to show them their worst, mostly due to the narcissists gaslighting words.
Narcissists Lies are incredibly effective, most healthy people tend to try not to lie, in the first place, and when they do they guilt will often make them admit to it, or if they do and get caught, they will apologise for it, learn from it and not do it again, so when a narcissist lies and continues to do so, often with the lies that you wouldn’t even think was a lie like “I love you.” And the more they repeat this, the more you believe this even when their actions don’t match their words, often as most narcissists, be it a boss, a parent, a friend, whoever they are in your life will idolise you at some point, or they will offer intermittent plays of idolisation, so when they say “I love you.” Or “I love your work ethics.” You believe that they do. Then when they turn so cruel and cold towards you, and you start to wake up from the lies, and your instincts are screaming at you, they come back at your with the play nice, and the more your mind believes those continued lies, rather than their actions and the truth.
The phrase they tell people and what they truly mean, and these can be from any narcissist within your life, not just a partner.
They say. “I’d never hurt you.”
They mean. They’re not going to hurt you while you do as they please, while you take care of them, while you shower them with attention, when they say they’ll never hurt you they mean, while you meet their needs all will be well, as soon as you don’t Most will go all out to destroy you until you do as they say again, they also mean they don’t want you to wake up and realise what they are doing to you.
Remember only you define you, and as hard as it can be to see when someone is hurting you so much, you are in control of your emotions, so finding the methods that work for you, those who continue to hurt you are not for you.
They say. “Your work is the best.”
They mean. If it’s a boss, while you are doing all the work for them you’re good, while They can play you off against other workers all is well, they love how you come in early to work just to please them how you go home late and miss out on your children’s bedtime just to please them. They love how they only have to say how good your work is, and you go all out to do more for me. When they say your work is the best, they meanwhile they can play you off against other colleagues, while you’ll run extra errands for them and go above and beyond in your job without extra pay, they love how they are in charge of your life. If it’s a parent, they love how you’re running around trying to please them and doing everything they want to get their approval. If it’s a partner, they love how you take care of the home, the bills and they children, so that they have to do very little.
Remember, your boundaries if something doesn’t feel right for you. If by saying yes to someone else, you are saying no to yourself, it needs to be a no.
They say. “You’re lazy.”
They mean that you’re not doing enough for them, and even if you’re doing all you can, they enjoy flipping the script to make you feel guilty and work harder to please them, they mean that you should be doing more to please them yet no matter how much you do it’ll never be enough for them.
Remember you define you, you know if you listen to yourself enough and not those around you when you’ve done enough when you need to rest, listen to your own body and mind and do what’s in the best interests for you, with good intentions there is no right or wrong way to live your life, you have to be at your best to give your best.
They say. “ I love you.”
They mean. They are just using the word love to control you, and they don’t really love you. They love that you make your life about them. They love how you solve their issues, relieve their pain, fix their problems, they love how you take time for them and not yourself, give them your attention only, how you make their happiness your responsibility, they love how you need them to love you. They love how they can make you feel unworthy and insignificant to try harder to please them. When they say I love you, they mean, I love how you live by and respect their rules, and they love what you do to please them or what you provide them. They do not love you for you, for who you are as a person, it’s all about what you do for them.
Remember those who love you would not continue to hurt you and let you down when you love someone you don’t want to cause or see them in pain, only allow those to treat you in the same way you treat others, love yourself for who you are, own your insecurities we all have them, and they are nothing to be ashamed of when we acknowledge ourselves for who we are, others can not use our insecurities against us.
They say “It’s not all about you.”
They mean. When they say this, they mean it’s all about them, they can not Handle you being the centre of attention. If you ever mention your needs that they don’t care for, they’ll make you feel guilty and ashamed of having these needs. They mean I’m the only important one, and you’ve got to learn that your needs and who you are as a person do not matter. They mean “it’s all about me.”
Remember It is about you, it’s about others too, if your not happy about something you have every right to change it. It’s your life; you don’t need to hurt people by walking away from those who hurt you, you’ve most likely tried all you can to help them, and have been left a shell of your former self, now is the time to take care of yourself before you take care of others, this is not to hurt others, this is to be at your best for those who deserve you. Good people do exist, those who continue to treat you with disrespect don’t deserve your time and attention, so respect them for who they are and will the other way to them.
They say “You have trust issues.”
They mean. They would never genuinely admit it to you, but they are a very untrustworthy person, and even though they have possibly shown you many times by betraying you, in various forms, lying, cheating, saying they’ll do one thing and doing another. They love the power and control they have over you with their words, making you doubt yourself and questioning your own sanity. You no longer know what is right or wrong unless they tell you. When you need to trust your instincts and know a narcissist will deny anything even with facts and evidence against them.
Remember, your instincts are telling you the truth; you will have trust issues around those who have lying issues.
They say. “That never happened.”
They mean. They don’t want you knowing the truth, and they don’t want you thinking wrongly of them, they don’t want you to see what’s truly happening, they want you to live by their rules.
Remember your truths, no matter what others say, if you know it happened, then it happened. If you’re still around them, keep a written diary until your mind sees clearly that their actions don’t match their words.
They say. “You are so jealous and insecure.”
They mean, they enjoy seeing you compete for their attention when they flirt with others, that makes them powerful and wanted. They make you feel unworthy, and you often then want the narcissist more. You know what you suspect, is real, but they’ll do their best to manipulate you into thinking it’s not real. You can never do anything right, and they’ve got you doubting yourself, so you become trauma bonded to them and don’t leave never leave.
Remember you don’t deserve someone who lets you down, you are never indeed there for you, and who continues to hurt you. You deserve someone who you trust, who is honest, open, caring and kind like you.
They say “we are just friends.”
They mean. Whenever they get bored with you, they will be straight on the phone calling this person. In case you do manage to leave the narcissist, they can simply replace you with this person and make you feel worse, this person might already be acting as a valuable side piece.
They’ll also make sure this new person knows how controlling and toxic you are. So if you ever talk to this person about the narcissist’s behaviour, it will just confirm how crazy you are. You’re not actually the crazy one, but they love smearing your name and making it look that way. They love the power they have over you to humiliate and provoke you. When you react, it feels so good to them to have that attention, and they can then show people you act crazy.
Remember, yes two people can just be friends, but if it’s making you feel uncomfortable, you’re not insecure or sensitive and all the other toxic gaslighting phrases the narcissist uses, you’re human with feelings, and something doesn’t add up, and you’re instincts are usually correct.
They say “You don’t have anyone, other than me.” Or “No one will love you.”
They meant this is because they’ve already removed anyone important to you in your life. They are now the only one who has power over your life now, of course, people would love you, but they don’t want you to wake up and realise that. They want control over you, and they want you doing as they please to earn their love.”
Remember, you are worthy, and you are loveable, and that love and happiness starts from within, you need to detach yourself from negative, toxic people who bring you down, so you can discover what you enjoy in life, what you love about you, they right people will be there for you and love you for who you are.
They say “ you’re overthinking or overreacting”
They mean you have perfectly normal thoughts to their behaviour and normal reactions to their countless lies, but they don’t want you to wake up and smell the coffee, they can never let you catch on not know. They want to make you doubt yourself in every way, and they’ll make you feel like the bad and make you feel guilty, so you work harder to please them, you will trust their words and not own thoughts and feelings. They reap all the benefits while you work so hard to make it up to them and please them for ever doubting them, while slowly losing who you are.
Remember you were given a mind to think for yourself and how you want to believe, and if something bothers you, internally process it and take action to change it, so it no longer bothers you, even if that means walking away from those who continue to let you down and walk away from you when you needed them the most.
They say “ you’re oversensitive.”
They mean. They love making you feel worse, which makes them feel better, they love the power you give to them, and they enjoy taking advantage of your kindness and hearing you explain your good intentions to them, while they take you off-topic, twist your words and watch you lose yourself. They get a weird kick out of how they make you feel horrible when they mention something they did to hurt you, yet they will have turned it all around to be your fault. They often show a smirk on their face as they watch the pain, sadness and disappointment on your face.
Remember you are you and no one defines you, sensitive or not, that’s who you are and being sensitive means you have feelings for yourself and others, and good people will respect those feeling.
They say“ I’m sorry you feel that way.”
They mean they’re not sorry you feel that way, they don’t have the emotional empathy to care for how you feel, they are just saying this so they can continue with their abusive behaviour, they are only ever sorry that they got caught, they feel no need to apologise, but they will say ”I’m sorry you.” meaning they are not sorry for what they did, they are feeling sorry for themselves that they are being made to apologise for things they believe they are entitled to do. They will always turn it onto you. They care for your emotions or how you feel, They only care about what they can get from you.
Remember if someone continues to hurt you, and they don’t change their hurtful behaviour towards you, they don’t care for you, this is just further manipulation.
They say “You’ll never find someone like me.”
They mean, they know it would be the best thing to happen to you if you never found someone like them, there are so many people that would treat you far better than the narcissist ever did, but they want to make sure that never happens for you, they want you so hooked on them, that you’ll only be free when they have done with you, by which point you’ll be so broken no one will want you, and you’ll trust no one if by any chance you start to recover prepare for the narcissist hoover, they will swoop back in as a changed person, but I’ll never change.
Remember good people do exist, and the sooner you remove those from your life that put out your light, that put down, squash and takes away all your hopes, dreams, happiness, money, health, and all the others they steal from you, as soon as you remove negativity, you make way for positivity, your inner love, your dreams, your happiness and your kind of people.
Hopefully, this will explain to you why after coming out of a relationship with these people, you doubt everything around you and everyone, you can feel judged, silly and stupid, you’re scared to tell people to in case you sound crazy, you are not crazy, now is the time to rebuild yourself and cut negativity out of your and your children’s life, you are not silly, crazy or stupid just because one person manipulated you, you just love, and you are kind, you can always change things for yourself, you can move on. You may have anxiety, and you can heal your anxiety also, you may have CPTSD, you can overcome this.
This is all normal, after this kind of relationship and you are not alone in how you feel, people out there do understand and have been through similar, trust yourself again, remember who you once was, you’ve allowed your thinking and mindset to be retrained, now you need to work on you to retrain your mindset, change negative thoughts too positive thoughts, trust, know everyone’s allowed an opinion if you don’t agree move on no harm done, you can work on yourself, some can recover with self-taught research, others with support groups, therapists and EMDR treatment, it’s finding the right coping strategies for you, then using them to work for you. The best relationship you can have is one with yourself. So work on yourself today, tell yourself you can do this and you so will. Love you for you.
Life isn’t always easy when we go easy on people that makes us unhappy life becomes hard when we work on ourselves, and life becomes easy.
You can, and you will.
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