Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Why is it the narcissist can never see your point of view?
A Narcissist uses lots of different manipulation methods to keep you confused, from all the gaslighting, pity plays, silent treatments, projecting, then now and again the reinforcement of them playing nice, so we doubt ourselves, they do this to keep us further in a trace and further away from the reality of the truth, and the narcissist then uses blame-shifting all problems onto you, so we doubt our own thoughts, then we doubt our decision-making skills, and we become trapped within a narcissists web of lies.
While in the relationship you’ll have questions like, “Why are they so angry over nothing? What have I done this time? Where have they gone? What did I do? How can I get them to talk to me? What’s the matter with them now?”
Which is how narcissists get you, they have you questioning everything about your own behaviour, and how you could improve, to help them, when in reality, no matter who you are, or what you do, it’ll never be good enough for a narcissist, they are always looking for more.
The only person you need to be good enough for, the only person you to be in competition with, and the only person who’s happiness you have full control over is your own.
After the relationship its questions of. “Who are they? Why will they not just leave me alone?”
Because of our emotional attachment to them, their manipulative games, and smear campaigns, the way they discard in hideous ways, or even when we decided enough is enough, with the trauma bond, their treatment of us hurts all the more, and as our logical thinking regarding them is usually attached to our emotional thinking, and we can not logically think why someone would treat someone so wrong, as we wouldn’t do that to another, with all their manipulative over us it keeps us in the dark as to who they indeed are for way longer than it ever should have.
What most people want to know is why someone would treat someone so wrong? So many whys?
Understanding a narcissist’s toxic logic may help you distance your emotional attachment to them, and understand why they are so cruel, and do what they do without a care for you.
Understanding a narcissist’s toxic logic. It gives more awareness of why they say and do the things they do. It gives you a deeper understanding of why they acted certain ways towards you, why they provoked and respond in certain ways to you, that most people not on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum wouldn’t do. Give you the reality back of what really happened so that you can move forward with your life.
When you’ve arranged to go out for the day, with family or friends, or to a special occasion, you try your best to start the day right, as you have an idea of what they can be like, you make the narcissist breakfast, that they’ve been guilt-tripping you throughout the night before, yet when they come down they take a bite and throw the food in the bin, or the plate to the floor. They sulk off upstairs, and you’ve no clue what’s wrong, you know if you chase after them all hell will break loose, so you clean up and leave them to it, then they come down a little later, like nothing ever happened, with no apology, possibly barely saying a word to you, or demanding your help in getting ready, find something for them, perhaps putting you down with. ”Are you really going to wear that?”
From your point of view, you cooked them a lovely breakfast, then had to clean up a lovely mess, from the narcissist’s point of view, you criticised them the night before by not readily agreeing to their demands. Therefore they awoke grumpily and chose the fact you hadn’t cooked their eggs just how they like them, to throw the plate on the floor, as you were supposed to be going out for the day with friends, something the narcissist doesn’t want to do as they’ll not be the centre of attention, they going to go all out to send your mind all over before you head out of the door.
Of course, when you turn up to meet friends, you are all over the place thinking about what’s happening, you’re puzzled and full of questions, you dare not ask for fear of reactions, thinking about if you should have worn the outfit you are in because the narcissist placed self-doubt into you. All the while the narcissist is all happy and normal, with everyone else, yet cold towards you, they may suddenly try to tickle you, which because your emotions are running on a high, your thoughts all over the place, you react because of the mornings events, however to friends, the narcissist look in a happy, playful mood and you look grumpy, meaning the next time the narcissistic sees them without you, the narcissist can smear about just how miserable you were that day.
You’re on a day out with all the children, yet you have no money to purchase lunch as you loaned it to the narcissist, who’s promised to give it to you back on the day so that you can buy everyones including their lunch.
Yet you wait and wait and wait and nothing, you don’t have extra to buy lunch, yet the narcissist walks into the takeaway and starts ordering food, then looks at you to pay, as if it’s normal and you should provided all for them, when you then have to ask them for the cash, they throw the money on the floor and storm out, while you, the children and the staff, look bewildered, you purchase lunch for everyone after picking up the money. Then go find the narcissist with their lunch in hand. When you do find them, they throw theirs in the bin, give you the silent treatment and become the life and soul with the children, leaving you once again, hurt and confused, while the narcissist is the centre of attention, why do they do this? First, they didn’t want to go out, even if it was their idea, second they felt criticised in the takeaway, believing you belittled them, in front of others. They’ve forgotten you loaned them money to them, and you hadn’t, they can not remember saying they’ed pay you back, to them, they don’t need too.
The narcissist got reactions from those around when they threw the money, and then they got reaction by storming off, you and the children chasing after them, feeds their ego a little more, so heals them from the criticism enough to play happy parent getting positive attention from the children, yet not enough to be nice to you, so in the narcissists mind you need to be punished. So you can be the one remembered as grumpy that day, and the children will forget all about the takeaway.
At the time you don’t understand what’s happening, yet when you understand how a narcissist thinks, your reality becomes clear on so many past events.
A narcissist logic isn’t the same as our logic.
How a narcissist thinks.
Everything is black and white to the narcissist, no middle ground, no grey area. It’s their way, or you get punished way, but you have to work out what their way is when their logic is completely different to yours. Their logic is.
They are superior and have to be in full control of everything and everyone.
They lie that much, and lack in cognitive reflection skills most believe in their own lies, as once they’ve made their reality, that’s them their truth.
They are not responsible for anything that goes wrong in their life, and they are never to blame. Nothing is ever their fault, and others are always to blame, they rewrite history to escape accountability, and their version of events is all they need to know.
They seek attention and validation. Emotional reactions are everything to them, negative or positive. They need others emotions to cover up their own deeply hidden insecurities.
They believe they are special and above all others and their needs should be met first and foremost.
They are self-entitled and believe they are allowed to do what they want whenever they want, and rules do not apply to them.
They have no empathy towards others, so they just don’t get how their actions would harm another, they can not relate to how someone else might feel, only their feelings matter.
If you do exactly what they want, when they want exactly how they want, they will treat you well, it’s your job to work out what they want and how they want it.
If you don’t get it right the first time, you are wrong and need to be punished.
They have no guilt or remorse, and they will twist it onto you, so they do not feel the shame.
Anyone who demands anything from them, or is deemed to them as controlling and this to the narcissist is unacceptable, as they are the ones to be in control of all others
They do not care for others feelings or truly understand them, only their own.
Anyone who criticised them, blocks them getting what they want, is terrible.
Anyone who questions their superiority over others is a deep criticism, and they must be punished. Criticism hurts them, and that when their inner rage flares up and they must punish others.
They do not care for others boundaries, and these are a challenge to be broken down.
To the narcissist, the world is against them, and they are forced to do what they do, to stay on top and protect themselves.
To a narcissist, the means justifies the end result.
They are extremely negative thinkers, and when minds are consumed with negativity, people often end up living toxic, negative lives.
Their thinking is toxic, as it means they use and abuse all those around them, to meet their own needs, without any guilt, they manipulate through pity plays, gaslighting and fear, they blame shift as to them it’s all your fault anyway.
They simply do not care for anyone other than themselves.
No contact, Grey rock and no reaction is key to breaking free, getting them to leave you alone and finding your own inner happiness again.
Take back your thoughts.
According to science, you have a default mode and a direct mode.
The default mode is when you’re on autopilot, going about your day to day business, doing what needs to be done, thoughts popping into your head.
The direct mode is when you consciously think about something on purpose, make yourself get up and do something.
Doing a mindset reset is a process because of those limiting beliefs and negative thoughts that you have on default mode. They have been programmed into your brain over a long period of time, which you repeat. Just because someone in your past trained you to think this way, or they did so many bad things to you, your mind can now be trained to assume and predict the worst, to live in negativity, fear, stress and anxiety.
If you allow your default mindset to continue thinking. Why me? What else could go wrong? I’m not happy? I can not do this? I’m a loser? I’m not worthy? I’ll never be good enough? No one will love me? Does no one care about me? I’m a failure? The problem is these thoughts have gone into your default mode, and they shouldn’t be there. They are unwanted, thoughts, limiting beliefs, that hold you back. You can change this default mode of negative thoughts into positive ones.
Bad things will happen, that’s life, life can be cruel, and it can be hard, I do not deny that you’ve experienced that.
We do need a default mode, for certain thing we go about doing in our day to day lives. So we don’t have to think about the simple tasks, so we can just get on with them.
You know all too well, you need to make changes in your life. You want to make changes in your life, but then when you start to think about change. You stop and start worrying about all the things that could possibly go wrong and go back to default mode. So ask yourself now. How well is default mode working for me right now? Are things getting any better right now? You carry on how you are right now and change nothing, or you can change how you think, and you can change everything. You’ve just got to work at it and believe in yourself. When you change how you feel, you will make significant changes in your life.
Like when you learn to ride a bike, it takes time to learn to balance pedal and drive yourself forward. Until you just do it.
Learning to swim, thinking about the movements, the strokes. Going through that water and learning that technique, takes time until one day, you just do it.
If you naturally kick a ball with your right foot, you go into autopilot to do so.
If your a natural right-handed you automatically write with your right hand on autopilot.
Yet you can make yourself kick that ball with your left foot,
You can make yourself pick up that pen with your left hand and begin to write.
You have to deliberately direct your thoughts to kick that ball with the other foot, to lift that pen with the hand you don’t usually, then practice, practice, practice, you will feel uncomfortable, and it will feel unnatural, you will miss kick, it will not be as powerful as your usual foot, your writing will be sloppy, it will be messy, and it will be hard to read.
It’s exactly the same as making yourself think about things in a more positive way. It will feel strange and uncomfortable at times, and it will feel unnatural. You need to think optimistic, and you need to support your own thoughts, you need to think positive, you need to think it is possible, then you need to work on it.
It’s going to be a process that takes time, you will have setbacks along the way when you don’t see great change, but you must keep going. Keep changing, keep learning and keep growing.
So you can choose to either carry on with your default, or you can deliberately choose what you want to think about.
Being a deliberate thinker is a skill, just like learning to swim, learning to ride a bike, kicking that ball, with the foot you don’t use, learning to write with the hand you don’t usually write with, it’s a skill, and you have to practice and keep on practising until you master it.
You can do it, and the autopilot is great on the right things, it is horrible on the wrong thoughts.
When you change how you think, you will change your life, for the better.
Whatever it is that’s stopping you right now. Whatever is your limiting beliefs you need to write them all down now.
However, that person made you feel.
Any of those setbacks you’ve had.
I’m not good enough?
Can I not trust anyone?
It’s just too hard?
My hearts had enough?
I don’t know how to start rebuilding my life?
Whatever they are, whatever got programmed into your default mode, you need to see them all write them all down.
Now you need to ask yourself, what have these beliefs cost me in my past? Then write that down. What do they cost me today? Then write those down. If I don’t change what are they going to cost me over the coming days, weeks months and years? Write them all down.
Now you know how that default mindset is affecting your day today, you need to do a reset of your mindset. Every-time old limiting beliefs come to your mind, catch that negative default mindset thought, take control back of your mind, then deliberately, direct a good thought into your mind. You need to do a mindset reset. Take back control of your own mind and your own life.
You no longer have to live your life how your default mindset has been trained to do so, your free to change that and live your life how you want to.
No more “No one will ever love me.”
Now it’s “The right people will always love me.”
No more “I don’t even know where to start.”
Now it’s “I’m going to take small daily steps each and every day, slowly but surely turning my life around.”
No more “I’m not good enough.”
Now it’s “I’m good enough for me, and the right people will understand me.”
No more. “I don’t trust anyone.”
Now it’s. “I trust my instinct.”
“What if.” A few people use, don’t end the sentence with “what if ( something bad happens)” go for “What if (something great happens.)”
Becoming a deliberate thinker, making a decision and taking action on it, will change your life, we have a choice, to be who we want, act how we want and live how we want, and we have the power to choose happiness, be kind to those who are kind to us, and walk for those who seek to bring us inner pain.
“The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” – Albert Einstein
Keep trying new things, keep going, you’ve got this.
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