The Three Types Of Attention Narcissists Seek, Understanding Narcissism.

When it comes to the narcissist personality disorder, someone would need at least five of the nine criteria to be classed as on the disorder.

One of these criteria is the requirement of excessive attention. They can go around many ways of getting this attention.

1. Pointing out their achievements.

2. Exaggerating achievements.

3. Fishing for compliments.

4. Only doing because they require something in return, materialistic or eternal gratitude, praise or recognition.

5. Causing conflict, drama or chaos.

6. Baiting people, to gain reactions from people to blame others.

7. Cheating.

8. Lying.

9. Deceiving others.

10. Being controversial to provoke an argument, not to debate to gain reactions.

12. Complaining often.

13. Guilt-tripping others.

14. Future Faking.

15. Playing the victim.

The three main ways narcissists gain attention are.

1. Gaining positive attention.

2. Gaining sympathetic attention.

3. Gain reactive attention.

Gaining positive attention.

Love bombing to influence us to beliving they’re someone they’re not.

  • Excessive attention, affection and support.
  • Excessive gifts.
  • Excessive flattery.
  • Playing your hero.
  • Mirroring likes and dislikes.
  • Future faking.
  • Agreeing with you.
  • People-pleasing to manipulate.

A narcissist will sell you an illusion of who you’d like them to be, to influence you into creating an image within your mind that they are a genuine person, they mirror and future fake, to create a belief within you that you’ve met someone why truly gets you, often believing you get them, not realising they’re selling you an illusion. Due to the narcissist’s sense of entitlement, when they don’t get their own way, when their envious face is exposed to us, we can rationalise this away with the help of their gaslighting words of. “If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t go elsewhere.” “You made me angry. At least I didn’t hit you.” As we’ve seen what we believe to be the good in them, when they show us their worst to blame us, shame us, we are led to think everything is our fault—justifying their unjust behaviour, as when they treat us well, we don’t recognise it as their manipulation to exploit us, when a narcissist puts on their admiration face it creates a false hope within us that all will be ok, we can think they’re just having a bad day. However, they’ll make us feel like we’re to blame for their bad day, as to a narcissist, nothing is ever their fault.

Narcissists treat you well to gain positive attention, so you build them up, praise them, show them gratitude, make them feel special.

Gaining sympathetic attention.

  • They don’t take responsibility. Everything is always someone else fault.
  • They hold grudges.
  • They complain often.
  • They tell you not to trust others.
  • They feel sorry for themselves.
  • They are judgmental and critical of others.

When they play the victim oh so well, often while playing the hero of “after all, I did for them, and they repaid me by stealing from me.” Narcissists hold many grudges, for the very things they do to others, as anything that goes wrong within that narcissist’s life is always someone else’s fault, anyone that doesn’t agree with them to a narcissist has turned against them and isn’t to be trusted.

When you catch a narcissist cheating, they’ll never trust you again.

Narcissists play the victim to avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour, so they’re not held accountable for their actions, so there are no consequences to their actions, and they feel entitled to continue their hurtful behaviour.

Narcissistic people will play the victim in the smear campaign to discredit another’s character, so people question the victim and not the narcissist. The narcissist can gain an army of supporters, namely their enablers and flying monkeys, to help with their exploitation of others. A Narcissist will justify hurting others by blaming others. A narcissist wants to find a scapegoat to take the fall for the narcissist’s behaviour, so the narcissist doesn’t get caught for the things they do to others.

Narcissists want to shame, blame, humiliate, criticise and judge others, so they can get revenge on those who didn’t do what the narcissist wanted. Those who stand up to the narcissist.

Narcissists will cause conflict to play the hero and save people, then if someone recognises the narcissist’s games. A narcissist will play the victim. “You always blame me. You misunderstood me. Oh, I knew it would be my fault. I forgot you were perfect.”

Narcissists do very little for you, and what they did do was to exploit you, so when you don’t do what they want, they can say, “After all, I’ve done for you.” To guilt-trip you into doing for them, often something that goes against who you are as a person.

Gaining reactive attention.

  • They intimidate.
  • They invalidate.
  • They cause intrigue.
  • False accusations.
  • They fall silent.
  • They smear your name.
  • They taunt you.
  • They humiliate you.
  • They ignore you.
  • They put you down.
  • They lie to you.
  • They lie about you.
  • They let you down.
  • The break promise on you.

When a narcissist can not get positive or sympathetic attention, they will go for your reactions, so you feel bad for reacting and do your best to make it up to them for things you don’t recognise they’re doing to you.

You’re going to feel defensive around those who are offensive.

A narcissist will provoke you to get a reaction from you so that they can blame it all on you.

Narcissists will intentionally make someone angry by saying or doing things to annoy or taunt them deliberately. To hook, trap or entice someone, and getting someone to do what they want them to do.

One of the characteristics that would put someone on the spectrum of the disorder is arrogance and dominance; they feel entitled, which is another characteristic of the disorder to have control over others with their lack of empathy another part of the disorder they give little thought to others opinions or feelings, they will take advantage over those around them and exploit people to get their own needs met, as they want the power and dominance over those around them, they want to control, and they want to win.

A narcissist uses many manipulative mind games and manipulative tactics to take control of our lives.

Baiting is used by a narcissist to provoke an emotional response from us so that they can have the power over our emotions, and ultimately, over our thinking so that they can further their control over us.

From our reactions which are perfectly understandable given the situation we are in, we often left believing everything is our fault, the narcissist will only ever tell their side of the story that they want others to know in their smear campaign against us, the one where they miss out everything they did, the one with only our reactions, it’s just further manipulation for the narcissist to play the woe is me, victim, to those around them and make you feel like your in the wrong and need to defend yourself or apologise.

Abusers love the reactive abuse as it’s proof in their minds that the person who reacted is unstable and crazy, that the one who’s reacted is mentally ill, they will use it against you for years to come, narcissistic people rewrite their own history, they change the stories they tell themselves, they are never accountable, they say so many lies they often believe their own lies and reality, and they will use reactive abuse against you for years to come.

It’s so easy to react and want to defend ourselves; it’s effortless to overlook their toxic behaviour, make excuses for their toxic behaviour, especially when we are the ones left saying, “They’re not that bad.” ”It doesn’t happen often.” ”It was my fault because.” ”They are my parents.” ”It’s my best friend. I grew up with them.” ”who would employ me.” ”What about the children.” and these are often limiting beliefs that keep us locked in a relationship we shouldn’t be in. These are lies the narcissist fed us when we have to say, “It doesn’t happen often.” it shouldn’t happen at all.

The narcissist enjoys playing with your emotions to get their needs met. It doesn’t matter if you are right or wrong. They want to watch you going crazy trying to prove yourself to them.

How to disarm, safely distance yourself from them and stop giving them your attention. When a narcissist can no longer control your emotions, they can no longer control you.

Narcissists brainwash those around them to take control of others thoughts, to manipulate people’s emotions to serve themselves. Once we recognise this, we can take back control of our emotions, taking control back of our thoughts, thus taking back control of our life.

Our mind controls our emotions, and we control our minds.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Why A Narcissist Always Thinks They Are Right.

The narcissist’s reality’s

Cognitive distortions are a simple way that our minds work that convinces us of a reality that simply is not true. These thoughts are usually used to convince our minds to feel less pain. explaining to ourselves that things sound accurate and rational. Yet, in reality, they only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves or to keep us trapped in negative situations.

Narcissists believe that rules do not apply to them, that they can stomp all over peoples lives and boundaries, without a care as to who they hurt, so long as their needs are being met. Cognitive Distortions explains why they are negative, so self-entitled who go around destroying others.

So how do cognitive Distortions affect their thinking? And how does this affect us with narcissistic abuse?

Psychologists have identified at least 50 types of cognitive distortions. Here are ten examples of how these could affect the narcissists thinking and how that affects our thinking

1. Always being right, as a narcissist, is also most likely lacking in Cognitive Reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their truth up, they can not look back and reflect. They’ve made their minds up that they are correct and all others are wrong. Narcissistic people continuously try to prove others wrong with various manipulation tactics. To a narcissist who always believes they are right, being wrong is unimaginable for them. They just can not and do not get it. They will go to extreme lengths just to prove they are right. Why there is simply no point explaining yourself or arguing with a narcissist, they simply can not and will not see your point of view. Being right to them is more important than others feelings, that with their lack of Empathy, means for us going against what a narcissists truth is, can lead to devastating consequences for us, sometimes why when they are Gaslighting us they do it so well, as to them it is their reality and their truth, and they shall not be swayed. To most narcissistic people, “They didn’t say that.” And “That never happened.” To them, “You are being sensitive.” And “You are the one going crazy.” In their eyes and minds, it’s their truth, often why their Smear Campaigns are also done with such truth-telling lies. Yet because you are open to opinions and ideas, you can understand people make mistakes, their gaslighting then makes you question yourself, blame yourself, and as you care, you then forgive them for their wrongdoings, why when you are walking on Eggshells doing as they please they can treat you so well. You then start to blame yourself all the more when they start miss treating you, as reality is showing you how good they can treat you. Yet, the reality is also showing you just how wrong they treat you, yet when you question them over something that you believe them to be wrong about. They think they are right. They will go to great extremes to prove themselves right and prove you wrong—causing that Cognitive Dissonance within your mind over the mismatch of realities and beliefs that you are now living under the narcissist’s spell.

2 Negative filtering. The narcissist will often take the one negative thing you have done, filtering out anything that happened before or anything they did to cause this. They will focus solely on that one negative thing you did when in a disagreement with them, they will then Twist it onto that one single thing you did by blame-shifting, and then gaslighting it all onto you, the whole False apology of “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And as they believe they are right, that is their truth, and no matter how much you try to explain or defend yourself to them, they are not listening to your point of view. They have theirs, and to them, theirs is final. Negativity breeds negativity, and you, as an empathetic person with an open mind that can see others points of view, with the help of their gaslighting, you end up taking their negative thoughts on as your own, ending up blaming yourself and in a state of confusion. Their reality is distorted by only the dark facts they want and those beliefs they hold so true to themselves; they slowly Manipulate these onto those around them. When we take everything personally and are around people that are so critical of us, it destroys who we are, so we either have to learn not to take their words and actions personally and know our truths and who we are, except that’s how they want to think or feel, and remember we don’t have to feel that way and simply leave them to it, some are extremely dangerous, so no contact is the only way to go.

3. Black and white thinking. A narcissist has no grey area. To them, it’s either good or bad. There is no room for mistakes or errors in judgment. To them, it is all or nothing. They can only see things as either good or bad, as they themselves must be perfect, they place all blame onto others for situations or problems they might have caused, without cognitive reflection, they can not look back to see what might have led up to a bad situation and without empathy they can not see how someone else might be feeling, most have cognitive empathy so they can think how they feel, yet, can simply not put themselves into someone else’s shoes, to feel or care how they are making someone feel. This is why most narcissists will Project all their failures and faults onto others, as to them they are entitled. They are superior, any mistakes made or any achievements missed, they will place that blame onto someone else. Being around this on a continued basis leaves us feeling like we are at fault, as all the projection is slowly drip-fed into our minds, also why we are somewhat too forgiving as we can see the good in them, often with all the blame-shifting when the bad comes out, we are led to believe this to be our fault, it is never your fault.

4. Jumping to conclusions. A narcissist might even say, “I’m a great judge of character.” They believe they know exactly what others are thinking or feeling, and they are not interested in finding out otherwise, also why they Gaslight with. “You’re too sensitive.” As they believe you are too sensitive and as they’ve made their minds up, they are unable and unwilling to listen to your explanation, as they are only interested in their own. So, where your instincts might be trying to tell you something, instead of jumping to a conclusion, you go and discuss it with them, and your instincts are most likely correct. However, they will not validate your feelings as real as they’re the narcissist has made their minds up that, in fact, to the narcissist, you are “Insecure.” When actually you are not, yet as you’ve not made a conclusion, you are most often left questioning yourself as to whether you are indeed insecure? If you are pushing them away? When in fact, a reasonable person would listen to you and work it out, always trust your instincts even when you are unsure as to what they are telling you as most often they are right.

5. Catastrophising. The narcissist does this by minimising or denying their negative or bad behaviour and magnifying anything that does well to get you to focus on their good side. They minimise anything you do good, and they magnify anything you do that they perceive as wrong, and once they’ve made their minds up, that is their truth, and nothing you can say will shift this. This is usually what happens to us once we’ve been around narcissistic, toxic or negative people for a long time, as they drip-feed our minds, and our subconscious sucks it all in, we are then on constant watch from their next negative mood swing, for the next smear campaign, for the next game they will play to bring is down to their level, we can both magnify their good behaviour, with the help of their toxic words and we can minimize their bad behaviour, often as we’ve been led to believe it was our fault, leaving us on edge and walking on eggshells around them to meet all their need so we don’t set them off, leaving us with Anxiety as we are so concerned about how they will act and become less and less concerned about what we can do to save ourselves, as we want to help other we slowly destroy ourselves, when in reality we did not cause it, we can not change it, and we can not control it, they are who they are, and no matter what action we take they have a disorder and that is who they are, which in reality means no matter what we do or don’t do for them, they are a ticking time bomb that will go off as and when they please, if they feel wronged, if they feel criticism, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change this for them, it’s who they are, it’s how they want to think, it’s how they want to behave, nothing you say or do will change this, the best course of action is to leave them to it, especially those on the lower end of the spectrum, leave them to be who they want to be, and you be who you want to be, those on the higher that are dangerous, no Contact.

6. Control. As you most likely already know, a narcissist is all about control. They want and need to be in control. They feel entitled to be in control of those around them and all life events when they are not getting what they want, they will blame others, life is against them, and if it weren’t for someone else, they would be achieving the success they believe they deserve. If we feel controlled by outside events, especially when mass smear campaigns hit, we see ourselves as helpless, the victim and the “Why is this happening to me?” Or “Why are they doing this?” Once we take back control of our lives, those outside situations no longer impact us. Without our own internal control, we take on the responsibility, of the happiness, of those around us. In reality, we are responsible for how we feel only, and others are responsible for how they feel. As they Gaslight, Intimidate and Invalidate us, we slowly lose control of our minds and our lives, not knowing what is truly happening to us, and trying our best to please others, not understanding that as nice as it is to help others, it’s all about helping those who a willing and able to help us, walk away from those who are not, also that it’s ok to be selfish and put our own needs first, with good intentions there is no wrong way or right way to live your life only your way. The oxygen mask on the plane, yes, it seems selfish putting it on yourself first. If you put it on the wrong person first, they will then leave you to it. Put it on the right person first, your oxygen levels might run too low, but they would help you, put it on yourself first. You will be able to run at your best to help others, even those who don’t deserve or appreciate the help, Boundaries are a must, knowing when to say yes, and when to say no, if saying yes to someone else is them saying no to you, it needs to be a no to that other person, compromise yes, if it’s all their way, you have every right to turn around and go your way.

7. The blame game. Those on the disorder blame all others for anything that is wrong with their own lives, meaning they are unable or unaware of what actions they’ve taken towards others, the mistakes they have made, so they can not make changes as to who they are as they simply do not see themselves as the problem. With all the manipulative blame-shifting tactics, we go the other way and start to blame ourselves for everything, when in reality, not everything is our responsibility or our fault, with their Triangulation and silent treatment, we start to look at ourselves to see what we’ve done wrong and how we could be better. This is good news, as this means you have the ability to reflect, to look at past mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and changes them. The biggest lessons here is to learn who we are, to learn the behaviour we will and will not accept from those around us, learn our own worth, learning to let go of those who only seek to Steal our joy and no longer looking to always blame ourselves, taking responsibility for what mistakes we have made, and passing those we did not back to the rightful owner. Self-awareness is vital.

8. Change. A narcissist does not see why they need to change. As they have a disorder, it’s who they are. Most often, they can not see their own faults. They can only pass them onto others and therefore see all their own problems as to being caused by those around them, believing others need to change to suit them, again the gaslighting Of “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” And most genuinely believe that if you hadn’t, they wouldn’t, however most often, you haven’t actually done anything wrong, they will find something, anything you did, then they will magnify this, to put the blame at your door, they will provoke you, to get a reaction out of you, so that they can blame it all on you. With us, as we are slowly Manipulated into their negative ways of thinking, it infects our mind. Yet, with their gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, arguments, silent treatments and the rest, we are led to believe it’s us that needs to change. Our minds are led to believe this is true, as they often offer intermittent times where they play nice, and magnify something we did to deserve them being nice to us, so we are left changing who we are time and time again to attract their nice side and walking on eggshells to avoid their nasty side. In truth, they have a disorder. It’s who they are. You did nothing to cause it, there’s nothing you can do to change it, and there’s nothing you can do to control it. You can, however, learn who they are, what and why they do what they do, and learn how to handle them, why you don’t need to defend yourself to them, why you don’t need to change for them. No one deserves this treatment. You did nothing wrong. Trying to help others is good. Just help those who are willing to be helped and leave those who only want to bring you down.

9. Personalisation. With someone on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, they feel entitled, so to them. It’s all about them. In one way, they have got something right here, as we should all make sure that we are good within ourselves. There is a difference between a narcissist all about me and self-care. They are in it to win it at all costs, they are most often not interested in what happens to those around them, so long as all their needs are being met, if they believe being nice to someone will meet their needs, they will be nice, if they think being nasty will meet their needs they will be nasty, in reality, it’s about giving to ourselves, then giving to others, if you have £10.00. You need to buy your children food, yet your friends are really struggling, you don’t provide them with the £10.00 while you and your children go hungry, people need to look after themselves, yet if you have more money coming in the next day, so you can split it if you have enough with £5 give them £5. Or if you have plenty and you’re good, you might invite them for dinner, provide them with food, provide them with cash until they are on their feet again. Then they help you out in times of need great. If they leave you to struggle in times of need when they could help, they are not the people for you. A narcissist is all about self so that you could be struggling financially. Yet, they will take your money and happily spend it. Some will even have their own as well as take yours when you ask for it back. They will dent all knowledge, blame you, pity play or cause an argument. They believe whatever others do or say is a direct reaction to them, they take everything personally, if someone achieves it is down to them, if someone speaks you, they have criticised them, if they are late, they will blame any external source and never themselves, as to them personally it was someone else’s fault. As they are so fast to shift the blame, those around them are often left blaming themselves for everything that’s wrong that they didn’t even cause.

10. Should. A narcissist might think that they should change, yet this is only in a moment when they are not getting something they want. Why do we get the false promise of ”I’ll go to counselling.” or do they bring you gifts? It’s only temporary to meet a need of their own. They feel shame, so they quickly shift this shame out by changing their mind from black to white. Once they have what they want, they change there should, to you should. Then their own mindset becomes they shouldn’t have to and you should, as it’s never a must, it’s only ever temporary change when they do play nice. When they start directing these should statement towards others, they will then feel anger and resentment towards that other person, which is when their rage often appears, the smear campaigns and all the other destructive hurtful things they do to themselves and to others. When we think they should behave in a certain way towards us or our children, or when we believe we should try harder to help them see, we should be able to support them, we should be able to explain and defend ourselves to them, we should be able to make it work, and with those not on the disorder we can, working with those on the disorder we can not, as their, feelings, thoughts, opinions, their minds have been made up, and anything you say or do will not change this. It only ever works if they believe something to be their idea and this is hard to achieve on a continuous basis, some are dangerous, so you have to leave them be, others you can teach them the behaviour you will and not accept, by knowing who you are, being nice when they are to you, and leaving them be, giving them no attention when they are mistreating you, again this varies on the severity of the narcissist. When we are full of what we should be able to do, and it doesn’t happen, it leaves us feeling disappointed, let down, hurt, anger and resentment, we have to keep our own standards as high as we want them to be, and our expectations of them extremely low, so we don’t feel offended.

Click the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

The Covert Narcissists Silent R.A.G.E

An injury is a physical trauma to the body with an external force, it can also be actions or words that trigger an emotional trauma, a psychological trauma.

Emotional or psychological trauma can be just as painful as physical as it hits those same pain pathways within our brains. We can all suffer from an emotional injury.

With many narcissists, once they’re received a narcissistic injury, they seek to punish those who the narcissist believes has hurt them. When a narcissist feels threatened in some way, they seek to hurt those who they believe to have threatened them. There are many ways to injure a narcissist.

  • Real or perceived judgment or criticism.
  • You tried giving them advice.
  • You had a different opinion.
  • You’ve set a boundary. You said no, the narcissist didn’t get their own way.
  • You attempted to hold them accountable for their actions.
  • You tried to talk about something they wanted to ignore.
  • Indifference, you showed a lack of interest in their subject.
  • Not giving them the attention they believe they’re entitled to.
  • Their need for grandiosity and entitlement, wasn’t met.
  • They fear you might expose them.
  • They feel you might abandon them.

Once a narcissist has suffered a narcissistic injury, they seek to punish those the narcissist believes has injured them either.

  • Emotional.
  • Physically.
  • Spiritually.
  • Financially.
  • Sexually.
  • Mentally.

 

Some narcissists might straight out rage at you, however with many narcissists they prefer to use a covert method, so their behaviour isn’t easy to recognise by those around them, so the narcissist can hurt others and not face any consequences for their actions as they’re to busy hiding their behaviour or creating distractions

Rationalise.

Where the narcissist will direct the context of the conversation away from their behaviour and onto your character, rather than answering a question, a narcissist will attack you. A narcissist will flirt with someone in front of you. Then when you question them, they’ll accuse you of being insecure or jealous, so you question your feelings and not their behaviour. If you keep asking, they’ll claim their ex never minded, so you think you’re the one with the problem. When you say no, they’ll claim you’re awkward, so you question if you are awkward as the narcissist tries to break down your boundaries.

They want to invalidate you, shame you, blame you, humiliate you. Lie to you.

Appeal to popular opinion.

When a narcissist is trying to claim you’re going crazy, they might add. “Even your mother thinks you’re crazy.” “My family thinks.” “Everyone thinks you’re.” to get you to doubt yourself. Or when they’re driving too fast, and you ask them to slow down as they’re scaring you. “Everyone drives at this speed on this road, what’s your problem?” even though the narcissist is breaking the speed limit because they believe they’re entitled to do so.

Argue.

Slippery slope.

The narcissist’s slippery slope is used in an argument to stop you from doing something for fear of what they’ll do next. From those intimidating covert threats of “ You’ll wish you hadn’t.” to the overt “If you do, I will.” if they find out you’re thinking of leaving, so they claim. “You’ll never see the children again.” or “If you don’t, I’m cutting you out of the will.” whatever it is you’re thinking of doing if you take action A, the narcissists will take it to B and then into C, usual, so you fear doing A, sometimes when it comes to leaving a narcissist we have to step over the fear safely, onto that slope, and ride it out until we are free from their controlling behaviour.

Circular arguments.

Where they answer with the start. Which is also the end. A cheating narcissist uses this to distract you from the fact they’re cheating. “You don’t trust me because you’re hung up on your past, so you went through my things. It’s wrong to go through my things because you’re hung up on your past. You have trust issues.”

Gaslighting.

The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 psychological thriller movie Gaslight. The film is adapted from Patrick Hamilton’s play Gaslight in 1938. The play is about a husband who slowly manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane.

Gaslighting is psychological manipulation, In which the narcissist covertly plants seeds of self-doubt, so we end up questioning our memories, our opinions, our perceptions, our values, our beliefs, our judgment and our reality. Causing things such as anxiety, codependency, ruminating, cptsd, memory problems, brain fog, lack of concentration, sleep deprivation, physical health problems, lack in confidence and cognitive dissonance, as we are living with two or more conflicting beliefs or realities, as we have the one we believe and the one the narcissist is psychologically manipulating us to no longer knowing what to believe.

Emotions.

Instead of answering the question at hand, a narcissist will use manipulation of your emotions. The narcissist wants to win the argument by using your very emotions against you. It is also a type of red herring as they avoid the original topic as they don’t answer the question. Instead, they appeal to your fear, appeal to consequences, appeal to pity, appeal to spite, appeal to ridicule, appeal to flattery, appeal to guilt. The narcissist wants to use your emotional thinking such as fear, joy, guilt, shame, obligation when you’ve said no, and they’re trying to take a boundary. “If you loved me, you would.” If they fear exposure. “What would your friends think if they knew.” If they fear abandonment. “After all, I’ve done for you.” Or they’ll suddenly have an illness or things like “What about the children.”

They might detach and withdraw, emotional neglect, those passive-aggressive silent treatments and sulks.

A narcissist wants to provoke you, so you feel invalidated, frustrated, confused, hurt, angry, upset, so you feel pain, they want to get you back, and they want to trigger a response within you, once they have this response, they want to shift all the blame over to you. So they can avoid consequences for their actions.

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Why Do We End Up Feeling So D.R.A.I.N.E.D Around Narcissists?

Being around narcissistic people leaves many feeling emotionally. Physically, financially, psychologically, mentally, and spiritually drained, the power narcissists have over our subconscious thinking process leaves us with many mental, psychological and physical issues, such as depression, confusion, anxiety, memory loss, and no longer feeling enough, with little energy and little self-confidence, ultimately making easier for the narcissists to control us by provoking emotional responses within us, so we no longer know who we are, as we’ve lost touch with our reality, left feeling like we are indeed the ones going crazy, and looking to the very person who is destroying us to help us, with their victim plays when we do catch them out, we end up doing all we can to help them, not recognising they are sinking us.

So just how do narcissists influence us into believing in them while no longer being able to believe in ourselves?

1. Deceive.

Narcissists are incredibly exploitative people who deceive others in order to get their needs met. In the love-bombing stage of any relationship with a narcissist, they will shower you with affection, attention and support. They’ll mirror you, idealise you, to sell you a future of your desires. Not only do they sell your dreams to you. They claim they want these very things too. When they don’t deliver, they blame you, as you believe they want them to, as you’re a person of your word, you work harder to please them, not wanting to let them down, not understanding they don’t want the same things as you, they just claimed they did to get their needs met by you, narcissists sell us an illusion of who they are, to influence us into trusting and believing in them, so we don’t see the real them. Narcissists lack the empathy to care for how their behaviour hurts those around them. When you don’t do as they please they withhold attention, affection and support, while placing the blame at your door, leaving many in a state of confusion due to the conflicting realities lived out within a narcissistic relationship.

2. Rationalise.

Whenever we get a glimpse of the narcissist’s true character, whenever we try to discuss their ways with them, narcissists find a way to rationalise their behaviour away, they find a way to justify their mistreatment of those around them, narcissistic people never take responsibility for their behaviour. Instead, they find someone to blame, make others feel guilty, obligated to help the narcissist. They even intimidate people into feeling afraid to speak out, causing many insecurities and self-doubts within our own mind, no longer being able to think clearly, all while the narcissist trains our subconscious how they want us to believe, even using our emotional responses to their behaviour as leverage to confuse us all the more.

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“You’re insecure.”

“You have trust issues.”

“You’re losing your mind.”

So we live in conflicting environments with conflicting beliefs, often turning more towards the narcissist for help, and less towards ourselves.

3. Argue.

A narcissists ability to start an argument over something, everything and simply nothing at all, while accusing you of creating all the conflict within the relationship is out of this world, leaving us no longer daring to speak up about the little things, let alone the big, for fear of reactions and consequences such as the silent treatment from the narcissist, narcissists covertly persuade us into accepting behaviour we never should have, leaving us walking on eggshells and full of anxiety.

Narcissists argue to provoke A narcissist will start an argument out of nowhere, just to get you to react, break your shell down and get emotional reactions from you. All they are after is your emotional response to the argument, so if you give no reaction, be prepared for them to step it up their games.

If the narcissist feels like we have criticised them, they will happily start an argument. Even if we didn’t criticise them intentionally, they either give us the silent treatment, projection, rage, violence or a massive argument. To gain emotions from us, to make themselves feel better.

4. Invalidate.

Invalidation is when your thoughts, feelings, opinions, weight, shape, Job, hobbies, dreams, relationships, it can be as severe as everything about who you are and what you do is rejected, ignored, criticised and judged, by the narcissist.

Invalidation is another form of the narcissist’s manipulation to take control of us as we slowly fawn to their demands through their invalidation of us. Narcissists use invalidation to put us down, so we don’t achieve, and they can feel superior.

The narcissist’s invalidation causes us to feel uncertain, living in an environment of instability and fear, to which just as we’ve had enough, a narcissist will come back with their intermittent reinforcement of play nice, that reward punish to leave us feeling more confused.

A Narcissist has an apt way of invalidating us while making out they’re helping us. “Do you really think that jobs for you?”

5. Neglect.

One minute you can be living with someone who seemingly cares for you better than anyone ever has, then suddenly for no apparent reason it’s like living with a complete stranger who no matter what you say or do they seem to get more pleasure out of hurting you than caring for you, we can fall into the trap of asking them ”whats wrong, what have I done, have I done something.” as we want peace, we want calm, we want to understand them and them to understand us, we care, we don’t want pain, however asking the narcissist often leads us straight into the trap of paying more attention to how we can make them happy and less attention to just how unhappy we indeed are around them, believing we are the problem through their gaslighting, blame-shifting and silent treatments, when in reality, if they cared for us in the ways we care for them, they wouldn’t want to hurt us, as it would hurt them seeing us in pain, as it hurts us seeing them in pain, our questions aren’t what have we done, our question should be why would they act this way, and our answer in within their behaviour, they lack the empathy to care correctly.

6. Emotional abuse.

Narcissist do all they can to draw out your negative emotions, then do very little to help you work through them, instead they use your emotions as leverage to invalidate you further, neglect you, fall silent on you.

A narcissist will ignore, humiliate, intimidate, isolate, plays down your feelings. ”don’t be so sensitive, stop overreacting, you’re insecure.” anything they can so you no longer feel enough, leaning on them for support while they further use your emotions against you.

7. Devalue.

Once the narcissist has us hooked through the Idealisation Stage of the relationship, where they plan the Fake Future with us, that con artists that through the idealisation stage that mirrors us, sell us our dreams, then comes the devaluation as they begin to devalue us and deliver us our worst nightmare.

A narcissist wants you to.

  • Doubt yourself by invalidating you.
  • Blame yourself while they play the victim.
  • To sabotage you.
  • To justify your decisions through them.
  • To fear them.
  • To play you off against others.
  • To isolate you.
  • To punish you.
  • To have no friends.
  • To see, you fail.
  • To control your finances.

The narcissist’s devaluation causes those feelings of shame within us, so we question our worth, we underestimate who we are as a person, we question our feelings and our capabilities, often becoming more dependent on the narcissist as all the stress we are under causes many health problems, as well as different anxieties.

Once a narcissist has drained us, they discard and move onto someone who is unaware of their behaviour. Often coming back for the hoover when their new supply isn’t working out how they wanted them to, or when they see you’ve moved on without them.

self-help

1. Find a safe way out of the relationship.

2. Limited contact so you can begin to find who you are again.

3. If possible, no contact.

4. Find safe ways to release emotions and past traumas, journaling, EMDR, therapy that you feel works for you.

5. Finding validation in your experience and reassures of what you’ve been through or you’re going through, start with learning how to reassure yourself through journaling.

6. Remember you are enough.

You can be with somebody and feel alone. You can be alone and not feel lonely.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.