7 Ways Narcissists Keep Score in Relationships (And Use It to Control You)

7 Ways Narcissists Keep Score in Relationships

Healthy relationships are not meant to feel like business transactions.

When someone genuinely cares about you, acts of kindness are given freely. Support is offered because they want to help. Love is not measured on a scoreboard.

With narcissists, however, relationships often feel very different.

Many narcissists treat relationships like competitions where every favour, sacrifice, gift, and contribution is carefully tracked and remembered. Rather than viewing relationships as partnerships, they often see them as exchanges where someone must always owe them something.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Here are seven ways narcissists keep score in relationships.

1. They Constantly Remind You What They’ve Done for You

A narcissist rarely allows a good deed to remain in the past.

Perhaps they lent you money.

Helped you move house.

Supported you during a difficult period.

Bought you gifts.

Instead of simply helping because they cared, they repeatedly remind you of their generosity.

Months or even years later, those favours may still be mentioned.

The message becomes clear:

“Look at everything I’ve done for you.”

Rather than creating gratitude, this often creates guilt and obligation.

The favour becomes less about helping and more about establishing future leverage.

If you’re ready to stop overthinking, calm your nervous system, and finally break the trauma bond, my structured CBT-based recovery programme gives you the practical tools to rebuild confidence and regain control. 👉 Click here to start your healing journey:

2. They Turn Gifts Into Debts

Healthy giving comes without hidden conditions.

Narcissistic giving often comes with expectations.

The birthday present.

The expensive meal.

The favour.

The thoughtful gesture.

What initially appears generous may later become something they expect repayment for.

The repayment may not be financial.

Instead, they may expect loyalty.

Attention.

Compliance.

Forgiveness.

Special treatment.

The gift was never entirely free.

It came with invisible strings attached.

Many victims only realise this later when the narcissist suddenly reminds them of everything they have supposedly done.

3. They Count Their Efforts but Ignore Yours

One of the most frustrating aspects of narcissistic scorekeeping is the double standard.

They remember every sacrifice they have ever made.

Every favour.

Every act of kindness.

Every contribution.

Meanwhile, your efforts are minimised, ignored, or forgotten entirely.

You may spend years supporting them emotionally.

Helping them financially.

Making sacrifices for the relationship.

Being available whenever they need you.

Yet when conflict arises, those contributions mysteriously disappear from the conversation.

Only their efforts matter.

Only their sacrifices count.

This creates a distorted version of reality where they always appear to be giving more than they actually are.

4. They Use Past Favours During Arguments

Perhaps you’ve noticed that whenever you confront a narcissist, the conversation suddenly changes direction.

You raise a concern.

You discuss their behaviour.

You attempt to address a problem.

Then suddenly they begin listing everything they’ve ever done for you.

The argument is no longer about their actions.

It’s now about your supposed lack of appreciation.

Past favours become weapons.

Their generosity becomes evidence that they couldn’t possibly be at fault.

The original issue gets buried beneath a list of old sacrifices and contributions.

This tactic often leaves victims feeling guilty for raising legitimate concerns.

5. They Expect Recognition for Basic Responsibilities

Healthy adults generally understand that certain responsibilities are simply part of being a partner, parent, friend, or family member.

Yet narcissists often expect admiration for doing the bare minimum.

They may want praise for:

Going to work.

Paying bills.

Helping with their own children.

Showing basic courtesy.

Fulfilling responsibilities that should already be expected.

While appreciation is healthy in any relationship, narcissists often crave excessive recognition.

Ordinary behaviour becomes extraordinary.

Basic responsibilities become sacrifices.

And if sufficient praise isn’t given, resentment often follows.

6. They Keep Emotional Score

Narcissists don’t only keep score of favours.

They also keep score of perceived offences.

A disagreement from five years ago.

A criticism from last year.

A boundary you set months earlier.

These incidents may be remembered in remarkable detail.

During future disagreements, old grievances suddenly reappear.

You thought the issue had been resolved.

The narcissist did not.

Their emotional scoreboard remains active.

This creates a situation where you can never fully move forward because old mistakes are continually being resurrected.

Meanwhile, they often expect immediate forgiveness for their own behaviour.

Again, the double standard becomes obvious.

7. They Use Scorekeeping to Create Guilt and Control

Ultimately, narcissistic scorekeeping serves a larger purpose.

Control.

The more indebted you feel, the harder it becomes to challenge them.

The harder it becomes to say no.

The harder it becomes to set boundaries.

The harder it becomes to leave.

If they can convince you that you owe them everything, they gain enormous influence over your decisions.

Many victims remain trapped in unhealthy relationships because they feel guilty.

They feel responsible.

They feel they must repay years of favours and sacrifices.

The narcissist’s scoreboard becomes a powerful tool of manipulation.

Healthy Relationships Don’t Keep Score

One of the biggest differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships is how kindness is viewed.

Healthy people give because they care.

They help because they want to.

They support because the relationship matters.

They do not maintain a running total.

They do not constantly remind you what you owe them.

They do not use generosity as leverage.

They do not treat love like a transaction.

If someone repeatedly reminds you of everything they have done for you, pay attention.

True generosity doesn’t require an audience.

It doesn’t demand repayment.

And it certainly doesn’t come with a lifetime invoice attached.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual care, respect, and appreciation—not scoreboards, guilt, and control.

The moment you recognise the difference is often the moment you begin freeing yourself from the narcissist’s game.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

🧠 How To Heal From Narcissistic Abuse: A CBT Recovery Program A structured, step-by-step healing program designed to help you rebuild your confidence, regulate triggers, and break trauma bonds using practical CBT-based tools. Learn how to reframe toxic thought patterns, strengthen emotional boundaries, and regain control of your life.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

7 Signs a Narcissist Enjoys Hurting You (The Disturbing Truth)

7 Signs a Narcissist Enjoys Hurting You

One of the most disturbing realisations in a narcissistic relationship is discovering that your pain does not always stop the behaviour. In healthy relationships, seeing someone hurt usually triggers empathy, concern, and a desire to make things right. With some narcissists, however, your distress appears to have the opposite effect.

Instead of backing off when they see the damage they are causing, they continue. Sometimes they even seem energised by your emotional reaction.

While not every narcissist displays openly sadistic behaviour, many survivors describe experiences that left them questioning whether the narcissist was actually taking satisfaction from their pain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Here are seven signs that may indicate a narcissist enjoys hurting you.

1. They Keep Doing Things They Know Hurt You

Everyone makes mistakes. Healthy people occasionally hurt others without intending to.

The difference is what happens when they become aware of the pain they have caused.

A caring person usually adjusts their behaviour. They listen. They apologise. They try not to repeat the same mistake.

A narcissist may do the opposite.

You explain how their behaviour affects you. You tell them what hurts. You communicate clearly and honestly.

Yet nothing changes.

They continue lying.

They continue insulting.

They continue crossing boundaries.

After a while, it becomes difficult to believe they simply do not understand.

The issue is no longer lack of awareness. The issue is lack of concern.

2. They Smirk When You’re Upset

Many survivors describe noticing a smirk, grin, or look of satisfaction during arguments.

This can be incredibly unsettling.

You are visibly hurt, frustrated, or upset, yet instead of showing empathy, they appear amused.

Sometimes the smirk appears when they successfully provoke you into reacting emotionally.

Other times it appears when they realise they have gained control of the situation.

The expression itself is often brief, but it leaves a lasting impression because it seems completely disconnected from the seriousness of what is happening.

For many survivors, this moment becomes difficult to forget because it reveals something deeply troubling about the dynamic.

3. They Deliberately Push Your Buttons

Narcissists often spend considerable time learning about the people around them.

Unfortunately, they do not always use that knowledge in healthy ways.

They learn your insecurities.

They learn your fears.

They learn your triggers.

Then, during disagreements, they bring those vulnerabilities into the conversation.

They may mock a personal struggle.

Reference a painful experience.

Compare you to someone else.

Question something they know matters deeply to you.

These comments rarely feel accidental.

Instead, they often appear carefully designed to provoke a reaction.

The goal is frequently emotional destabilisation rather than conflict resolution.

4. They Mock Your Pain

One of the clearest signs of emotional cruelty is what happens when you are visibly suffering.

Rather than offering support, narcissists often minimise, dismiss, or ridicule your feelings.

You may be told:

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Get over it.”

Some even make jokes while you are upset.

Others become irritated that you are emotional at all.

The lack of empathy can be shocking.

Instead of seeing your pain as something that deserves compassion, they treat it as an inconvenience, a weakness, or even entertainment.

Over time, this can leave victims feeling isolated and ashamed of their emotions.

5. They Seem Happier When You’re Struggling

Healthy people celebrate your successes.

They enjoy seeing you happy.

They support your growth.

Narcissists often struggle with this.

Your confidence may threaten them.

Your success may trigger envy.

Your independence may reduce their sense of control.

As a result, they sometimes appear uncomfortable when things are going well for you.

Yet when you are struggling, they may seem calmer, more confident, or more engaged.

This does not necessarily mean they consciously want you to fail.

However, your struggles often restore a power imbalance that benefits them.

When you doubt yourself, you may become easier to control.

When you are vulnerable, you may become more dependent upon them.

6. They Create Problems During Important Moments

Many survivors notice a pattern.

Birthdays.

Holidays.

Anniversaries.

Family events.

Achievements.

Special occasions that should be positive somehow become filled with conflict.

Arguments suddenly appear.

Drama emerges from nowhere.

Tension replaces celebration.

The focus shifts away from the event and back onto the narcissist.

This behaviour often serves several purposes.

It restores attention.

It disrupts your happiness.

It ensures they remain the centre of the emotional experience.

Rather than sharing your joy, they create circumstances that force everyone to focus on them instead.

7. They Enjoy Watching You Chase Their Approval

Perhaps one of the most painful dynamics involves emotional withholding.

The narcissist provides just enough attention, affection, or validation to keep you invested.

Then they withdraw it.

Suddenly you find yourself working harder.

Trying harder.

Explaining more.

Giving more.

Hoping for the warmth and approval that briefly appeared before disappearing again.

The more effort you invest, the more power they seem to gain.

Many survivors eventually realise they spent years chasing validation that was deliberately kept out of reach.

The narcissist appeared to enjoy being pursued while offering very little in return.

The Important Difference

It is important to remember that not every narcissist consciously thinks, “I want to hurt this person.”

However, many become so focused on control, power, validation, and protecting their ego that your emotional wellbeing becomes irrelevant.

The result often feels the same.

You are hurt.

Your pain is ignored.

The behaviour continues.

Healthy relationships look very different.

Healthy people do not enjoy your tears.

They do not feel empowered by your anxiety.

They do not deliberately create suffering to gain control.

When they realise they have hurt someone they care about, they typically feel concern and want to repair the damage.

Recognising this difference can be life-changing.

Because healing often begins when you stop asking why they enjoy hurting you and start asking why you have been tolerating behaviour that no loving person should ever accept.

Someone who genuinely loves you wants to reduce your pain, not increase it. And understanding that truth is often one of the first steps towards reclaiming your peace, your confidence, and your sense of self.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Who You Become Trying to Keep a Narcissist Happy

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of a narcissistic relationship is not simply the way the narcissist treats you. It is the gradual transformation that takes place within you as you try to keep them happy.

Most people do not enter relationships intending to lose themselves. They enter with hopes, dreams, opinions, boundaries, interests, and a sense of identity. Yet over time, many people involved with narcissists find themselves becoming someone they barely recognise.

This change rarely happens overnight.

It happens slowly.

One compromise at a time.

One sacrifice at a time.

One disappointment at a time.

Until one day you realise that your life has become centred around managing someone else’s emotions while ignoring your own.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

You Become a People Pleaser

In healthy relationships, both people’s needs matter.

In narcissistic relationships, however, the focus often becomes one-sided.

You learn that keeping them happy feels safer than dealing with their anger, criticism, sulking, silent treatment, or emotional withdrawal.

Gradually, you begin putting their wants ahead of your own.

You choose the restaurant they prefer.

You watch the programmes they like.

You rearrange your schedule to suit theirs.

You become increasingly focused on making life easier for them.

The problem is that narcissists often have endless expectations and very little appreciation.

No matter how much you do, there is always something else they want.

The goalposts constantly move.

As a result, you spend more and more energy trying to earn approval that never truly arrives.

You Start Walking on Eggshells

Many survivors describe feeling as though they were constantly walking on eggshells.

You become highly aware of their moods.

You analyse facial expressions.

You monitor the tone of their voice.

You carefully consider every word before speaking.

Simple conversations begin to feel risky.

You may avoid discussing certain topics because you know they could lead to conflict.

You may stop expressing concerns because previous attempts were met with anger, blame, or ridicule.

Instead of feeling free to be yourself, you become focused on avoiding problems.

Life becomes less about living and more about preventing explosions.

You Stop Trusting Yourself

One of the most damaging effects of narcissistic abuse is the gradual erosion of self-trust.

Many narcissists engage in behaviours such as gaslighting, blame shifting, projection, and manipulation.

They deny things they said.

They rewrite history.

They question your memory.

They make you feel responsible for problems they created.

Over time, you begin questioning your own judgement.

You may find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others.

You may second-guess decisions you would once have made confidently.

You may wonder whether your feelings are valid.

Eventually, you stop looking inward for answers and start looking outward instead.

The narcissist becomes the person whose opinion seems to matter most.

This creates a dangerous imbalance where your confidence becomes dependent upon someone who continually undermines it.

You Shrink Yourself

Many people in narcissistic relationships gradually become smaller versions of themselves.

Not physically.

Emotionally.

Psychologically.

You stop sharing opinions.

You stop discussing goals.

You stop celebrating achievements.

You avoid anything that might trigger jealousy, criticism, or competition.

Perhaps you stop seeing certain friends.

Perhaps you stop pursuing hobbies.

Perhaps you stop dressing the way you like.

You begin editing yourself to reduce conflict.

Little by little, your authentic personality gets pushed into the background.

The parts of yourself that once made you unique become hidden away.

Not because they disappeared.

But because they no longer felt safe to express.

You Become Hypervigilant

Living with unpredictability often creates hypervigilance.

Hypervigilance is a state of constant alertness.

Your nervous system remains prepared for potential problems.

You become skilled at spotting subtle changes in mood.

You notice tension before anyone else.

You can sense conflict approaching long before it arrives.

While this may seem useful, it comes at a cost.

Constant vigilance is exhausting.

Your body struggles to relax.

Your mind struggles to switch off.

You may experience anxiety, sleep difficulties, stress, and emotional exhaustion.

Many survivors discover that even after the relationship ends, their nervous system remains on high alert because it has become accustomed to living in survival mode.

You Lose Sight of Your Own Needs

One of the most common consequences of narcissistic relationships is self-neglect.

When so much energy goes into managing another person’s emotions, there is very little left for yourself.

Your own needs gradually move to the bottom of the priority list.

You stop asking:

“What do I want?”

“What do I need?”

“What would make me happy?”

Instead, your focus becomes:

“What will keep them calm?”

“What will avoid conflict?”

“What will stop them getting upset?”

Over time, your own goals, dreams, interests, and wellbeing become secondary.

Many survivors reach a point where they genuinely struggle to identify what they want because they have spent so long focusing on someone else.

You Forget Who You Were Before Them

Perhaps the saddest transformation of all is losing touch with your authentic identity.

The confident person you once were may feel distant.

The carefree person you once were may feel unfamiliar.

The independent person you once were may feel forgotten.

Many survivors look back at old photographs and remember a version of themselves that seemed happier, lighter, and more secure.

This loss of identity can feel incredibly painful.

However, it is important to remember something.

You did not lose yourself completely.

The real you is still there.

The confidence.

The personality.

The dreams.

The strengths.

The values.

They may have been buried beneath years of survival, but they have not disappeared.

The Path Back to Yourself

The tragedy of trying to keep a narcissist happy is that it rarely works.

No amount of sacrificing yourself can fill another person’s emotional emptiness.

No amount of people pleasing can guarantee approval.

No amount of walking on eggshells can create lasting peace.

The more you abandon yourself, the more disconnected you become from who you truly are.

Healing begins when you stop asking how to make them happy.

Healing begins when you stop measuring your worth through their approval.

Healing begins when you start reconnecting with yourself.

Your feelings.

Your needs.

Your values.

Your goals.

Your identity.

Recovery is not about becoming someone new.

It is about rediscovering the person you were before you spent so much time trying to keep somebody else happy.

And that person is worth finding again.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Why Narcissists Never Answer Simple Questions

Have you ever asked a narcissist a simple question and somehow ended up more confused than when you started?

You ask for a yes or no answer.

You ask for clarification.

You ask for the truth.

Yet somehow the conversation goes everywhere except the question itself.

You may even find yourself repeating the same question multiple times, only to receive a completely different response every time.

Why does this happen?

Because for many narcissists, answering a simple question is not always the goal. Maintaining control, protecting their image, avoiding accountability, and shifting attention away from their behaviour often become the priority instead.

A straightforward answer can expose contradictions, reveal dishonesty, or require responsibility. For someone who struggles with accountability, avoiding the question can feel safer than answering it.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Here are seven reasons narcissists often avoid answering simple questions.

1. Deflection

One of the most common tactics narcissists use is deflection.

You ask a direct question.

Instead of answering, they redirect the conversation somewhere else entirely.

Perhaps you ask why they lied about something.

Suddenly they begin discussing your tone of voice.

You ask why they broke a promise.

Now they are talking about something that happened six months ago.

The focus quickly moves away from the original issue and onto a completely different topic.

The question remains unanswered.

Deflection works because it changes the direction of the conversation. Rather than discussing their behaviour, they create a new subject that allows them to avoid responsibility.

Many people become frustrated and follow the new topic, forgetting that the original question was never answered in the first place.

2. Word Salad

Sometimes narcissists respond with lengthy, confusing explanations that seem designed to overwhelm rather than clarify.

This tactic is often referred to as word salad.

The response may contain contradictions, irrelevant details, half-truths, and emotional statements that have little connection to the original question.

You may ask a simple question that requires a simple answer.

Instead, you receive ten minutes of confusion.

By the end of the conversation, you may struggle to remember what you originally asked.

This confusion serves a purpose.

The more confused you become, the harder it becomes to identify inconsistencies, challenge false claims, or hold someone accountable.

When clarity disappears, accountability often disappears with it.

3. Diversion

Diversion is similar to deflection but often involves creating a distraction.

Rather than discussing the issue, they introduce something new that immediately demands attention.

Suddenly there is another problem.

Another complaint.

Another emergency.

Another reason why they are the real victim.

The conversation becomes filled with unrelated issues that pull attention away from the original question.

Before long, everyone is discussing the distraction rather than the behaviour that was initially being addressed.

Diversion works because most people naturally respond to whatever seems urgent in the moment.

The narcissist understands this and uses it to redirect focus away from uncomfortable topics.

4. Counter-Accusations

One of the most frustrating experiences when dealing with a narcissist is watching a simple question turn into an attack against you.

You ask where they were.

They ask why you are so controlling.

You ask why they behaved a certain way.

They accuse you of being paranoid.

You ask for honesty.

They accuse you of being difficult.

Instead of answering, they place you on trial.

The conversation shifts from examining their behaviour to defending yours.

This tactic often leaves people feeling guilty, confused, or defensive.

Once again, the original question disappears.

A narcissist doesn’t want to discuss their actions. They want to provoke your reactions so they can use your reactions as distractions from their actions.

5. Playing Confused

Many narcissists suddenly become confused whenever accountability enters the conversation.

The question may be simple and direct.

Yet they respond with statements such as:

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I don’t remember.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“I don’t understand the question.”

This apparent confusion can be surprisingly effective.

Most reasonable people assume that if someone genuinely doesn’t understand, further explanation is required.

As a result, they spend more time explaining and clarifying while the narcissist continues avoiding the issue.

Sometimes this confusion is genuine.

Often, however, it becomes a convenient escape route.

The longer they can avoid giving a direct answer, the less likely they are to face accountability for their behaviour.

6. Changing the Subject

Changing the subject is another common avoidance tactic.

You ask one question.

They answer a completely different one.

You ask about something that happened today.

They begin discussing something that happened years ago.

You ask about their behaviour.

They start talking about your family, your job, or an unrelated disagreement.

The conversation becomes so scattered that it is difficult to maintain focus.

Many survivors describe feeling mentally exhausted after these interactions.

The reason is simple.

Healthy communication follows a logical path.

Manipulative communication often jumps from topic to topic without ever resolving anything.

The goal is not understanding.

The goal is avoidance.

7. Avoiding Accountability

At the heart of many of these behaviours lies a simple motivation: avoiding accountability.

A direct answer may expose a lie.

Reveal hypocrisy.

Confirm manipulation.

Or require an apology.

For someone who depends heavily upon maintaining a particular image, these outcomes can feel threatening.

Rather than admitting fault, they may deny, distract, confuse, accuse, or evade.

Anything becomes preferable to taking responsibility.

This is why many conversations with narcissists feel repetitive.

You ask the same question repeatedly.

You receive different responses every time.

The issue never gets resolved because resolution would require accountability.

And accountability is often the very thing they are trying to avoid.

The Pattern Matters More Than the Answer

Healthy communication involves answering questions honestly, directly, and respectfully.

Even when conversations are difficult, healthy individuals generally try to address the issue being discussed.

Manipulative communication looks very different.

It is often filled with confusion, distraction, blame-shifting, and avoidance.

If you find yourself repeatedly asking the same question without receiving a clear answer, pay attention to the pattern.

Ask yourself whether the person is genuinely trying to communicate or whether they are simply trying to escape accountability.

A single avoided question may not mean much.

A consistent pattern tells a different story.

Sometimes the refusal to answer is the answer.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.

And sometimes the most important thing you can recognise is that someone who continually avoids accountability is showing you exactly who they are.

The more you recognise these patterns, the easier it becomes to stop chasing answers that may never come and start focusing on protecting your own peace, boundaries, and emotional wellbeing.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program