A Narcissists Logic.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Why is it the narcissist can never see your point of view?

A Narcissist uses lots of different manipulation methods to keep you confused, from all the gaslighting, pity plays, silent treatments, projecting, then now and again the reinforcement of them playing nice, so we doubt ourselves, they do this to keep us further in a trace and further away from the reality of the truth, and the narcissist then uses blame-shifting all problems onto you, so we doubt our own thoughts, then we doubt our decision-making skills, and we become trapped within a narcissists web of lies.

While in the relationship you’ll have questions like, “Why are they so angry over nothing? What have I done this time? Where have they gone? What did I do? How can I get them to talk to me? What’s the matter with them now?”

Which is how narcissists get you, they have you questioning everything about your own behaviour, and how you could improve, to help them, when in reality, no matter who you are, or what you do, it’ll never be good enough for a narcissist, they are always looking for more.

The only person you need to be good enough for, the only person you to be in competition with, and the only person who’s happiness you have full control over is your own.

After the relationship its questions of. “Who are they? Why will they not just leave me alone?”

Because of our emotional attachment to them, their manipulative games, and smear campaigns, the way they discard in hideous ways, or even when we decided enough is enough, with the trauma bond, their treatment of us hurts all the more, and as our logical thinking regarding them is usually attached to our emotional thinking, and we can not logically think why someone would treat someone so wrong, as we wouldn’t do that to another, with all their manipulative over us it keeps us in the dark as to who they indeed are for way longer than it ever should have.

What most people want to know is why someone would treat someone so wrong? So many whys?

Understanding a narcissist’s toxic logic may help you distance your emotional attachment to them, and understand why they are so cruel, and do what they do without a care for you.

Understanding a narcissist’s toxic logic. It gives more awareness of why they say and do the things they do. It gives you a deeper understanding of why they acted certain ways towards you, why they provoked and respond in certain ways to you, that most people not on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum wouldn’t do. Give you the reality back of what really happened so that you can move forward with your life.

When you’ve arranged to go out for the day, with family or friends, or to a special occasion, you try your best to start the day right, as you have an idea of what they can be like, you make the narcissist breakfast, that they’ve been guilt-tripping you throughout the night before, yet when they come down they take a bite and throw the food in the bin, or the plate to the floor. They sulk off upstairs, and you’ve no clue what’s wrong, you know if you chase after them all hell will break loose, so you clean up and leave them to it, then they come down a little later, like nothing ever happened, with no apology, possibly barely saying a word to you, or demanding your help in getting ready, find something for them, perhaps putting you down with. ”Are you really going to wear that?”

From your point of view, you cooked them a lovely breakfast, then had to clean up a lovely mess, from the narcissist’s point of view, you criticised them the night before by not readily agreeing to their demands. Therefore they awoke grumpily and chose the fact you hadn’t cooked their eggs just how they like them, to throw the plate on the floor, as you were supposed to be going out for the day with friends, something the narcissist doesn’t want to do as they’ll not be the centre of attention, they going to go all out to send your mind all over before you head out of the door.

Of course, when you turn up to meet friends, you are all over the place thinking about what’s happening, you’re puzzled and full of questions, you dare not ask for fear of reactions, thinking about if you should have worn the outfit you are in because the narcissist placed self-doubt into you. All the while the narcissist is all happy and normal, with everyone else, yet cold towards you, they may suddenly try to tickle you, which because your emotions are running on a high, your thoughts all over the place, you react because of the mornings events, however to friends, the narcissist look in a happy, playful mood and you look grumpy, meaning the next time the narcissistic sees them without you, the narcissist can smear about just how miserable you were that day.

You’re on a day out with all the children, yet you have no money to purchase lunch as you loaned it to the narcissist, who’s promised to give it to you back on the day so that you can buy everyones including their lunch.

Yet you wait and wait and wait and nothing, you don’t have extra to buy lunch, yet the narcissist walks into the takeaway and starts ordering food, then looks at you to pay, as if it’s normal and you should provided all for them, when you then have to ask them for the cash, they throw the money on the floor and storm out, while you, the children and the staff, look bewildered, you purchase lunch for everyone after picking up the money. Then go find the narcissist with their lunch in hand. When you do find them, they throw theirs in the bin, give you the silent treatment and become the life and soul with the children, leaving you once again, hurt and confused, while the narcissist is the centre of attention, why do they do this? First, they didn’t want to go out, even if it was their idea, second they felt criticised in the takeaway, believing you belittled them, in front of others. They’ve forgotten you loaned them money to them, and you hadn’t, they can not remember saying they’ed pay you back, to them, they don’t need too.

The narcissist got reactions from those around when they threw the money, and then they got reaction by storming off, you and the children chasing after them, feeds their ego a little more, so heals them from the criticism enough to play happy parent getting positive attention from the children, yet not enough to be nice to you, so in the narcissists mind you need to be punished. So you can be the one remembered as grumpy that day, and the children will forget all about the takeaway.

At the time you don’t understand what’s happening, yet when you understand how a narcissist thinks, your reality becomes clear on so many past events.

A narcissist logic isn’t the same as our logic.

How a narcissist thinks.

Everything is black and white to the narcissist, no middle ground, no grey area. It’s their way, or you get punished way, but you have to work out what their way is when their logic is completely different to yours. Their logic is.

They are superior and have to be in full control of everything and everyone.

They lie that much, and lack in cognitive reflection skills most believe in their own lies, as once they’ve made their reality, that’s them their truth.

They are not responsible for anything that goes wrong in their life, and they are never to blame. Nothing is ever their fault, and others are always to blame, they rewrite history to escape accountability, and their version of events is all they need to know.

They seek attention and validation. Emotional reactions are everything to them, negative or positive. They need others emotions to cover up their own deeply hidden insecurities.

They believe they are special and above all others and their needs should be met first and foremost.

They are self-entitled and believe they are allowed to do what they want whenever they want, and rules do not apply to them.

They have no empathy towards others, so they just don’t get how their actions would harm another, they can not relate to how someone else might feel, only their feelings matter.

If you do exactly what they want, when they want exactly how they want, they will treat you well, it’s your job to work out what they want and how they want it.

If you don’t get it right the first time, you are wrong and need to be punished.

They have no guilt or remorse, and they will twist it onto you, so they do not feel the shame.

Anyone who demands anything from them, or is deemed to them as controlling and this to the narcissist is unacceptable, as they are the ones to be in control of all others

They do not care for others feelings or truly understand them, only their own.

Anyone who criticised them, blocks them getting what they want, is terrible.

Anyone who questions their superiority over others is a deep criticism, and they must be punished. Criticism hurts them, and that when their inner rage flares up and they must punish others.

They do not care for others boundaries, and these are a challenge to be broken down.

To the narcissist, the world is against them, and they are forced to do what they do, to stay on top and protect themselves.

To a narcissist, the means justifies the end result.

They are extremely negative thinkers, and when minds are consumed with negativity, people often end up living toxic, negative lives.

Their thinking is toxic, as it means they use and abuse all those around them, to meet their own needs, without any guilt, they manipulate through pity plays, gaslighting and fear, they blame shift as to them it’s all your fault anyway.

They simply do not care for anyone other than themselves.

No contact, Grey rock and no reaction is key to breaking free, getting them to leave you alone and finding your own inner happiness again.

Take back your thoughts.

According to science, you have a default mode and a direct mode.

The default mode is when you’re on autopilot, going about your day to day business, doing what needs to be done, thoughts popping into your head.

The direct mode is when you consciously think about something on purpose, make yourself get up and do something.

Doing a mindset reset is a process because of those limiting beliefs and negative thoughts that you have on default mode. They have been programmed into your brain over a long period of time, which you repeat. Just because someone in your past trained you to think this way, or they did so many bad things to you, your mind can now be trained to assume and predict the worst, to live in negativity, fear, stress and anxiety.

If you allow your default mindset to continue thinking. Why me? What else could go wrong? I’m not happy? I can not do this? I’m a loser? I’m not worthy? I’ll never be good enough? No one will love me? Does no one care about me? I’m a failure? The problem is these thoughts have gone into your default mode, and they shouldn’t be there. They are unwanted, thoughts, limiting beliefs, that hold you back. You can change this default mode of negative thoughts into positive ones.

Bad things will happen, that’s life, life can be cruel, and it can be hard, I do not deny that you’ve experienced that.

We do need a default mode, for certain thing we go about doing in our day to day lives. So we don’t have to think about the simple tasks, so we can just get on with them.

You know all too well, you need to make changes in your life. You want to make changes in your life, but then when you start to think about change. You stop and start worrying about all the things that could possibly go wrong and go back to default mode. So ask yourself now. How well is default mode working for me right now? Are things getting any better right now? You carry on how you are right now and change nothing, or you can change how you think, and you can change everything. You’ve just got to work at it and believe in yourself. When you change how you feel, you will make significant changes in your life.

Like when you learn to ride a bike, it takes time to learn to balance pedal and drive yourself forward. Until you just do it.

Learning to swim, thinking about the movements, the strokes. Going through that water and learning that technique, takes time until one day, you just do it.

If you naturally kick a ball with your right foot, you go into autopilot to do so.

If your a natural right-handed you automatically write with your right hand on autopilot.

Yet you can make yourself kick that ball with your left foot,

You can make yourself pick up that pen with your left hand and begin to write.

You have to deliberately direct your thoughts to kick that ball with the other foot, to lift that pen with the hand you don’t usually, then practice, practice, practice, you will feel uncomfortable, and it will feel unnatural, you will miss kick, it will not be as powerful as your usual foot, your writing will be sloppy, it will be messy, and it will be hard to read.

It’s exactly the same as making yourself think about things in a more positive way. It will feel strange and uncomfortable at times, and it will feel unnatural. You need to think optimistic, and you need to support your own thoughts, you need to think positive, you need to think it is possible, then you need to work on it.

It’s going to be a process that takes time, you will have setbacks along the way when you don’t see great change, but you must keep going. Keep changing, keep learning and keep growing.

So you can choose to either carry on with your default, or you can deliberately choose what you want to think about.

Being a deliberate thinker is a skill, just like learning to swim, learning to ride a bike, kicking that ball, with the foot you don’t use, learning to write with the hand you don’t usually write with, it’s a skill, and you have to practice and keep on practising until you master it.

You can do it, and the autopilot is great on the right things, it is horrible on the wrong thoughts.

When you change how you think, you will change your life, for the better.

Whatever it is that’s stopping you right now. Whatever is your limiting beliefs you need to write them all down now.

However, that person made you feel.

Any of those setbacks you’ve had.

I’m not good enough?

Can I not trust anyone?

It’s just too hard?

My hearts had enough?

I don’t know how to start rebuilding my life?

Whatever they are, whatever got programmed into your default mode, you need to see them all write them all down.

Now you need to ask yourself, what have these beliefs cost me in my past? Then write that down. What do they cost me today? Then write those down. If I don’t change what are they going to cost me over the coming days, weeks months and years? Write them all down.

Now you know how that default mindset is affecting your day today, you need to do a reset of your mindset. Every-time old limiting beliefs come to your mind, catch that negative default mindset thought, take control back of your mind, then deliberately, direct a good thought into your mind. You need to do a mindset reset. Take back control of your own mind and your own life.

You no longer have to live your life how your default mindset has been trained to do so, your free to change that and live your life how you want to.

No more “No one will ever love me.”

Now it’s “The right people will always love me.”

No more “I don’t even know where to start.”

Now it’s “I’m going to take small daily steps each and every day, slowly but surely turning my life around.”

No more “I’m not good enough.”

Now it’s “I’m good enough for me, and the right people will understand me.”

No more. “I don’t trust anyone.”

Now it’s. “I trust my instinct.”

“What if.” A few people use, don’t end the sentence with “what if ( something bad happens)” go for “What if (something great happens.)”

Becoming a deliberate thinker, making a decision and taking action on it, will change your life, we have a choice, to be who we want, act how we want and live how we want, and we have the power to choose happiness, be kind to those who are kind to us, and walk for those who seek to bring us inner pain.

“The significant problems we face can not be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” – Albert Einstein

Keep trying new things, keep going, you’ve got this.

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Are they capable of love?

Trauma Bonding With A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Trauma bonding with the narcissist.

How to identify and break the trauma bonds with a narcissist.

Trauma bonds are both psychological and emotional, and you cannot just fall out of a trauma bond like you can fall out of love.

When you no longer love the narcissist or you might even hate them. That trauma bond can still be present. These bonds have to be broken so you can heal. It’s very difficult to stay away from a narcissist, especially if you still love them and are bonded to them. First I recommend you find out about narcissism, this will help you fall out of love with them. It’ll also help you stick to no contact or limited if you have children. Then you can heal the trauma bond.

You’re not alone lots of people stay in an abusive relationship, way longer than they ever should have, even when they know they want to leave. Lots of people also go back because of this trauma bond. It’s another manipulative tactic the narcissist will use. They know that even though you’ve left, or they left. That you’re trauma bonded and that’s why they will try to hoover.

The longer the relationship goes on, the harder it is to break free, as your boundaries will have been ripped apart by the narcissist to the point where you no longer have any. As they’ve controlled you for so long, you’ll not know who you are without them.

Trauma bonds are caused by the idealisation stages of the relationship with the narcissist, and you empathetic loyalty to those you care about. The manipulation you receive from, the love bombing, then abuse. It keeps you off balance and hoping for that nice narcissist to come back.

Traumatic relationships cause natural hormones to be released, like adrenaline, cortisol, in such high levels it becomes addictive.

In the idolisation stage, and the love bombing stages you get the dopamine hormone, that is so intense, and you simply become hooked on the dopamine release.

With this pattern of hormonal release, it becomes extremely addictive, within the body and the mind.

After the trauma bond has been created, it’s hard to stay away from the narcissist as you lose the intensity of these hormones. You may find you mistake yourself for being in love with the narcissist when you are not. It’s worse it’s a chemical and emotional bonding to the narcissist. You become dependent on them as a direct result of the abuse and inconsistency.

It’s the cycle of hormones your body and mind have become so used to and after being so conditioned by the narcissist you’re hooked. It’s an addiction to the cycle rather than the person.

When you look at the facts and find them, you’ll probably no longer respect them. You don’t trust them, you may fear them. You don’t like how they behave. You’ll probably not have much in common with them. This is not love. You don’t want the narcissist because you love them. It’s the trauma bond and conditioning of your subconscious mind, that being in any form of relationship with them has now caused. You may think the narcissist will change. This is to try and justify to yourself why you take them back. You need to realise this to break free, and A narcissist will never change.

If someone is hurting you, cheating on you, lying to you, undermining your confidence, telling people lies about you, gaslighting you manipulating you. They do not care about you. The Narcissist only cares about themselves. They are abusing you, and it is as bad as it seems to you. Truly listen to how they speak. It will always somehow revert back to them, unless you catch them out. Then, of course, it’ll be twisted around to being all your fault.

There is no excuse for a narcissist to abuse you. They don’t love you, and you no longer love them, you need to do is break the trauma bond, which is hard.

To break the trauma bond, you need to talk to yourself and work out that the narcissist is abusive in so many ways, and they never change. You need to start living in reality. Accept the truth. Look at it for what it is. It’ll never change. You need to acknowledge that someone who loved and cared would not constantly treat you this way. They will not change. You need to realise that you do not love them. You have empathy and emotions you’re allowed to be upset and grieve, in fact, that’s a vital part of the healing process from the trauma bond. You’re losing something that was once valuable to you. Even if that person you first met never actually existed, just a narcissist hiding behind the mask. Like a vampire hiding from the sun. A narcissist will draw every bit of your energy emotions and personality always from you often leaving you empty. That’s ok it happened because you’re a good person that likes to see the best in everyone, But what can you do about an empty glass. Yes, you can fill it back up. A building starts with foundations. You can build yours again, with more knowledge than you had before. Turn you into a better you. The narcissist would not help fix you if the narcissist was to smash a glass on the floor, so it’s completely broken. That narcissist can not come in say sorry to it in the narcissists way of “ I’m sorry you jumped out of my hand glass” and put it back together it’ll never happen. You’re allowed scars. Now picture that glass back together with pretty sparkly glue. Yes, exactly you’ll not go to who you were before, you can make yourself better than you were before with some added touches. You’ll be more aware of moving onto good people who don’t want to break you in the first place.

Feel how you feel now if it’s hurting you, your children or your family. If this is how you felt last year and you gave it another go, you know it didn’t work because here you are again. You can, and you will break this cycle and when you do your life will be amazing. Others have done it, and so can you.

Take each day as it comes. Start by living in the moment. Baby steps to help you get to where you want to be. You will feel better soon enough, and before you know it, you’ll feel great.

You need to create strong boundaries with the narcissist to gain your self-respect and self-care. Who cares what they are saying, they just want to destroy you as narcissist hate seeing others happy as they can never be truly happy. You can be, and you will be. You can accept accountability they can not.

You also have empathy, so it’s ok that you wanted to help them change and be a good person. There is nothing wrong with you. But you do however need to realise that, you tried, you gave it your all, it’s breaking you, and you’re no longer a happy, confident person and you need to walk away from the narcissist forever. Then you need to put all that effort you put into trying to help them. That effort needs to be put into helping you. Yes, you can change. You changed who you once were for the narcissist so you can change to who you want to be now.

Yes, it’s hard, but you can do it. Acknowledge your feeling your allowed them. Writing them down, journaling can help.

Make a list of fantasy then write the reality it helps

Example. Fantasy “ They said they would cheat”

Reality “ They cheated.”

When you acknowledge it out loud or writing it down, it helps, the chemical component of the trauma bond will lessen over time, thus making it easier to move on.

Yes, it’s hard, but it helps break the trauma bond.

Stay strong and keep going. You can do it.

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More ways to break the trauma bond.

Narcissistic Abuse. Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn, And How The Narcissist Uses These Against You.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Flight, fight, freeze or fawn.

In the 1920s a physiologist named Walter cannon described what he called the acute stress response, fight or flight. Over the years, this has been continued to be studied.

Narcissistic Abuse puts our minds into extreme states of stress and confusion when we are living under stress, and our minds try to find ways to cope with protecting ourselves from the abuse, often it’s our subconscious survival mechanisms that kick in, which helps in the short term. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help for the long term. Once in the fight, flight, freeze or fawn survival mode, a narcissist will then twist our survival instincts and use these against us. Often why the real victim feels like they are to blame, and does all they can to change and please the abuser, only once out, can the survivor being learning the truth of reality and unlearn coping mechanism that no longer serves them.

If your subconscious believes you can conquer a danger, your body jumps into flight mode, if you believe there’s no hope, you might run away flight mode, if you think you can not win by fight or flight, you may freeze. Fawn is when those three don’t work, so you find the best way to protect yourself by unwittingly going along with it, give up and agree to the very person who’s abuseing you, for fear of what could happen to you, if you stood up for yourself.

When you’ve left a narcissist, a lot of those around you, that haven’t experienced it, may not understand or may question why you didn’t leave sooner. You may be still questioning yourself, and their response isn’t helping. You may still be feeling, fear, shame, alienation, rage and grief, or depression, anxiety.

As well as the manipulation been so hidden and slowly becoming more regular. From being gaslighted into losing your own reality and sanity, to being provoked, and thus reacting, then the narcissist downplaying or denying their behaviour and exaggerating your behaviour, placing all the blame onto you, so you believe everything is your fault, those hideous silent treatments, when you had no idea what you did wrong, yet still apologised to them, to end your inner pain, even though you didn’t truly understand what you were apologising for.

You may now have CPTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and this is an attachment disorder, it is a psychological disorder, which can happen to you and your children when you’ve been exposed to repeated interpersonal trauma by a narcissist.

After a narcissistic relationship, those triggers of the painful past can quickly arise, from flashbacks to a noise that triggers you.

Humans have a basic biological need for safety and security. If this is compromised because of either, spiritual, physical, emotional, sexual abuse, any real or perceived threat of abuse or danger, this forces your inner defence mechanism, to find a way to escape what is happening to you. To avoid the situation that’s happening around you and try to control it within yourself.

With people who haven’t suffered the manipulation trauma, they don’t always understand it.

When you’ve been repeatedly, let down, ignored, made to think things that happened, didn’t. Something that didn’t happen, did. Not knowing what you’ve done wrong, words always twisted to your fault, and so much more. As it’s so slow and so underhanded, with a sudden reappearance of the nice person when the narcissist offers intermittent re idolisation of you, to then go back to the mental abuse, people in the situation don’t see it, even when they know something is not right, With the narcissists manipulation, you are left to think it’s you. So full of self-doubt and little self-worth. You genuinely believe it’s all your fault.

Abuse is abuse and it’s NOT your fault.

Your subconscious kicks in to protect yourself in these situations, you try certain things, as does a child of a narcissist. To see if it works. If it got the nice attention you craved even for a short time, or it stopped the abuse for a short while, it becomes a habit, you might end up with a few as there are so many things a narcissist will do for you to find ways to protect yourself against.

Living in constant fear or stress our bodies release adrenaline and cortisol, and over a prolonged period of time our bodies become addicted to the abuse, you are weaning yourself off a drug, why in the beginning of recovery our minds can the look for problems or fear, to release those chemicals, not understanding, this uncomfortable life, is making us feel more comfortable, even though it’s uncomfortable. What we need to do is face the painful reality, work through the pain, and find positive things to release those chemicals, while we slowly wean ourselves off them.

  • Trying new sports.
  • Saying hello to a stranger.
  • Starting new hobbies.
  • Apply for that job.
  • Go for the interview.

Not all at once take things at a pace to suit you; you’re trying to decrease the cortisol and adrenaline to an average level.

When in highly stressful situations, you could respond to the stress in one of four ways.

Fight.

Flight.

Freeze.

Fawn.

When we experience stress or trauma, our body’s automatically, gravitate to one. If a car suddenly comes towards you, you might like to think you’d run ( flight ) or you may panic and stand still ( freeze )

Children of a narcissist can carry these into adulthood if you’ve been in any form of a relationship with a narcissist you may carry them with you for a while afterwards. You will have used one of these four or sometimes all four to protect yourself against the narcissist. When you carry them with you close to the surface, it can cause problems within other areas of your life, or other relationships.

These are either learned behaviours from growing up with a narcissist parent or having a relationship with a narcissist as an adult. What you did while you were with a narcissist is not a weakness or a flaw within yourself. You did what you needed to do in order to survive. The best thing is, as it’s learned behaviour you can now unlearn it.

Also, whatever your situation was. However, you responded, is no better or worse than any other response, as you needed to protect yourself and respond. It’s ok to escape sometimes, and it’s ok to zone out, it’s ok to fight back, it’s ok to try and be kinder, with a narcissist you may have done all of these.

When we go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn, the narcissist can then continually use us against ourselves, and when we become trapped in this mindset, they can use our response in their smear campaigns against us.

Fight types of reactions, we are all capable of this, it’s our inner instinct to protect ourselves. The narcissist is actually driven by this, usually due to some form of childhood trauma, they live the rest of their lives in fight mode.

Even the best of people can be driven to their limits of depths of despair and fight back. Yet often feel guilt afterwards

Narcissistic people are extremely self-centred with an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and little to no empathy towards others. They will not feel remorse for the things they do, they’ll just blame it on all others.

Fight response are.

Passive-aggressive behaviours.

Aggressive behaviours.

Controlling behaviours.

Nice-nasty behaviours.

Overly demanding behaviours.

Entitlement.

Or

Bullies.

Demands perfection.

Shames others.

Sociopath.

In the begging, you may fight, cry, feel like punching something, glare at the narcissist and talk angrily, feel like stomping, feel intense anger, say something negative back. No, it’s not right. Yet, you were doing it to protect yourself from any given situation you were in with the narcissist. Which the narcissist will use against you, so you believe they are correct when they blame you.

Most of those who went to fight mode, often believe they could be the narcissist once out of the relationship, because of their behaviour within the relationship, for example, because you might have once spent so much of your time around them when they stop spending time with you, and you have a feeling that they are cheating, you might have been the one to start arguments, or beg for attention. Not because you’re a narcissist, because you wanted the very person who was causing you pain, to end the suffering and be honest with you, proved they still cared, as your instincts were telling you they didn’t care.

Due to the trauma bond, once you’re that far in the relationship it’s hard to see what’s truly happening and walk free, or if it was your parent, you never knew any different, and you feel guilty, walking away from the person who raised you, even though they harm you, as often there’s no physical harm, it’s hard to see.

Even with physical violence, theirs so much self-doubt, fear and paranoia, within ourselves, we dare not leave or speak against them.

Flight Response.

Flight types unconsciously believe that perfection will make them loved and safe.

Flight means you’ll try to outrun the trauma by.

Hyperactive behaviours.

Obsessive behaviours.

Running away.

Hoarding.

Compulsive rituals.

Compulsive.

Panic.

Rushing.

Worrying.

Driven-ness.

Adrenaline junkies.

Perfectionist.

Abuse stimulants such as caffeine, chocolate, cocaine, cannabis etc.

When you’re in flight mode, your legs may be restless, constantly moving legs or feet, constantly cleaning, you’re tense, you feel trapped.

As the reality your living becomes more unbearable, as you slowly lose control of your thoughts and emotions, we can try to gain control in other areas of our lives, to feel a sense of significance or control. Certainty and uncertainty are part of Tony Robbins basic human needs.

So when our relationship seems so uncertain at times, we can then, pick up obsessive behaviour to claim back some form of certainty. This can be down to routines, and feeling out of balance if you sway from your routine. To excessive exercise, and not in a healthy way. Or constantly calling or messaging the narcissist, which they will twist around onto you for being “insecure.” Even though you have every right to feel insecure as their behaviour is sending you that way, yet they can constantly message and call you and demand you to answer, yet they do this to instil fear in you, you do it for love and connection another human need.

We meet love and connection by caring for others, being close to, and communication with others, the narcissist meets it by using others, intimidating others.

Freeze Response.

This is when we can unconsciously disconnect from what’s happening to us, to stop experiencing the pain,

Dissociative.

Running away from problems.

Isolation.

Couch potato.

Tired.

Hermit.

Lack of ambition.

Daydreamer.

Depressed.

When you freeze, you may have a sense of dread, you feel exhausted, and you’re sick most of the time, have trouble doing normal day to day things.

This is perfect for the narcissist to use against you.

A narcissist often wants you isolated from support, they will often use triangulation to divide and conquer people, when you’ve gone into the human survival mechanism of freeze, you’re often left with anxiety, and not wanting to speak to those around you, feeling depressed and unable to take care of yourself, consciously tired, often coming down with illness after illness, as your body and mind are completely drained fighting daily battles within the mind.

Then when the narcissist tells you that your not good enough, your behaviour is now matching their words, often why when they say “You’re lucky to have me.” Or “No one will love you like I do.” You believe within your own mind that you are lucky to have them, not seeing they are the very person making you feel the way you do.

Then comes the narcissists smear campaigns to those around you, most often the narcissist will not self-reflect, and they will not look back to see the part they played, they’ll not overthink or analysis the situation, they’ll just see it as, you’ve stopped taking care of them, and that you have indeed gone crazy. They will then play the hero, telling all others how they’ve tried to help you, also play the victim on how badly you’ve treated them. As you might have gone in to fight mode at some point snapping at them in front of others, or you are finding it hard to take care of yourself, your behaviour then match’s the narcissists words to you and to others, causing that cognitive dissonance within your own mind, where you are living two different realities, the one you live due to the narcissists manipulation, the one the narcissist is telling you that you are living, and how your acting, yet nothing is adding up, because there’s a mismatch in the story. Living in a state of confusion. You deep down know it’s them, yet your beliefs become confused from how you are acting, and you feel completely lost within yourself. Often feeling, scared, fear or ashamed, the person you go to for help and support is the narcissist, the very person who’s trying to sink you, as you don’t believe others would understand you, as it all sounds so unbelievable within your own mind. The narcissist will then uses how you’re feeling to bring you further down.

Fawn Response.

Unconsciously seeking safety by meeting the narcissists demands and needs.

One-sided relationship.

People pleasing.

Over listening to what others say.

Class clown.

D.V victim.

Slave to others.

Loss of self.

Doormat.

Grovelling,

Co-dependent.

You become compliant and helpful, meeting the narcissist demands for fear of reactions.

You might be all smiles and giggles to the outside world, trying to hide how you really feel, for fear of reaction from the narcissist.

Often we can then become an unwitting enabler to the narcissist’s hideous treatment of others, not understanding the full picture, not knowing the whole story, as the narcissist will only ever tell you, what they want you to hear.

We learn to do all we can do to please the narcissist, for fear of reactions if we step out of line, learning to walk on eggshells around them.

Slowly losing out values and beliefs and listening to what the narcissist tells us we should or should not do, doubting ourselves more, and taking their opinions on as our own.

Begging them, when they’ve promised to do something and fail to deliver, we can then plead with them, while they will then gaslight us all the more, saying, “I never said that.” Again leaving us questioning ourselves and reality.

To recover from these, you do need to grieve, cry, scream shout, just let it all out, start reclaiming your assertiveness.

The link for trauma bonding and how to help yourself if you’re looking for more information at the end.

You may be suffering anxiety, The link on how this happens and methods to help you recover, at the end.

The mental disorders associated with responses

Fight type: Narcissism.

Flight type: obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Freeze type: dissociative disorder.

Fawn type: codependency.

If you went into fight mode, that means while around someone who is narcissistic, you became narcissistic to protect yourself, this does not mean you have the disorder.

So those who question after if you were the narcissist. No, you have empathy and cared to try and help, you just went into, fight-flight, freeze and fawn mode, deep within your subconscious to protect yourself, now it’s time to unlearn those that you taught yourself to survive on a daily basis. So you could protect yourself from the narcissist manipulation.

You can, and you will recover from this.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

Twitter https://mobile.twitter.com/CoachElizabethS

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B4X-D95Axlm/?igshid=dwrruq1k9wui

Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Trauma bond.

https://youtu.be/G5rEOArZisQ


Anxiety.

https://youtu.be/E4t1eKUkZW0

Losing The Victim Mindset.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

It is effortless to become locked in the victim mentally after being mentally, physically abused or both by a narcissist. No one could blame you, after everything they have put you through. Unfortunately, that victim mindset only serves to keep us locked in the past, and helps our depression spiral further out of control. When you’ve been gaslighted by a narcissist, left with guilt, anger, resentment, self-doubt and self-blame, once you start to wake up, most often we can go through all the was it me? Was it them? It’s them they are an abusive narcissist. No, could I be the narcissist? No, they are the narcissist. Then they seemed to move on without care while you’ve lost so much, and work through all the devastation they leave in their wake.

A narcissist is extremely calculated on playing the victim when needed, they thrive off the attention they get from those around them, they will abuse victims, then they will downplay, or deny their behaviour, provoke the real victim to get reactions, often in public or filming them and exaggerate all the reactions while gaslighting and blame-shifting onto the victim. ”If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t. ” That with the fact your emotions were running on a high and you lived under constant fear and stress, you can be left feeling like you are indeed the narcissist. If you have empathy for others, you do not have the disorder, just like negativity breeds negativity, when around narcissistic people, it’s incredibly easy to become drawn into their toxic world. This can lead some people into unwittingly becoming an abuser to their abuser, turning to the survival coping mechanism of fight, as some victims can become locked in power struggles with certain types of narcissists, getting drawn into the games. With the trauma Bonding, and becoming unwittingly addicted to the drama of the toxic relationship, your behaviour can become increasingly narcissistic, even though you’re not a narcissist. Then the victim who fawns, meaning they conform to their abusers demands for fear of what the abuser will do if they were to step out of line, making excuses for the narcissist’s behaviour, thinking ” It wasn’t that bad.” Often with the narcissist telling them “It wasn’t that bad.” Or believing they deserved it, again with the narcissists gaslighting of “If you hadn’t.” Still leaving the true victim feeling like they are to blame.

You are not to blame, yes we all need to own up to any actions we did, but we also have to recognise, when you’ve been force-fed lies through many manipulative tactics. Had your beliefs, values, boundaries and much more taken down, left believing you’re not good enough, accepting behaviour you should never have accepted, through fear, Intimidation and many more. You have to accept responsibility for your own behaviour, not at the start, as at the start you’re most likely blaming yourself for everything, at the start you need to pass responsibility back to the abuser, the rightful owner for the things they did to you. Then work on you.

Lose the self-blame, as it’s not all your fault like the narcissist had told you, yes you may have reacted at times that’s human nature, you have to accept, the part you played, you must also pass responsibility back to the rightful owner for the role they played, accept you didn’t get out sooner, be Thankful that you are out now and that you can now move forward with your life.

You also must lose the victim mindset, yes you’ve been through a hideous experience, I know that and I understand how horrible it feels once you first get out, it is just the start of your journey, it gets easier, and it gets better. You need to grieve, the loss of the hopes and dreams you had, accept you can not and will never be able to help them, you can only ever help someone who is willing to help themselves, and if by helping them, they continue to cause you pain, that is on them and not you. People can only learn from their own mistakes, and people can only change themselves. Understand the reality of what actually happened and who they really are, but to move forward you need to shift out of that victim mindset, as it’ll only hold you back, what helped me do this is focus on the fact, the narcissist will always play the victim role to all others, part of the reason they can not find true inner happiness.

You can find your happiness again, and to do so you need to move forward from the victim mindset, we are human we make mistakes, we fail to realise what’s truly happening to us, the most intelligent people get sucked in by these people, and unfortunately, you are far from alone in this.

The past and the victim mindset only serves to keep us trapped in the past and our emotions locked on past pain, so the past even when no longer around our abuser stays with us in our present.

You have empathy, you care for others on a deep level, you want to help, support, learn and grow, you can see things from others points of view, and that’s an incredible talent to have, and nothing is wrong with this at all, yet you must learn that although you have the ability to do this for others, you need to do this for yourself first, all the effort you put in to help them, you now need to put that effort into helping you.

You have to take yourself to the next level, which means finding the lessons learned from the experience, so you don’t repeat in your future, some of us had narcissistic parents and never understood, meaning you went from one narcissistic relationship to another, accepting those behaviours we should have never accepted, now you have the new-found knowledge and wisdom of those lessons learned, you can move your life forward into a new happier direction.

Developing your knowledge and understanding of what you went through, to allow yourself more awareness.

Going no contact or grey rock doesn’t mean you want to hurt them, it means you need to save yourself, and you can start healing, it takes time and work from within yourself, but you can do it, others have before you, and you can show others they can too. Once you forgive yourself and lose that victim mindset, you can begin your journey to rebuilding your, self-esteem, self-trust, self-love, learn and create new boundaries for yourself so you never get into that situation again, learning to trust yourself and tune into your intuition, then you can learn to trust those around you, as you’ll have a better understanding, of those who love and care for you and want the best for you, those who respects who you are for who you are, and don’t want to knock you down and walk all over your boundaries to destroy you, any way they can.

You’ll find it second nature to remove toxic people from your life and surround yourself with positive people, where you pick each other up, respect and care for each other.

Creating yourself a whole new belief system, by taking your responsibility for your actions ( no one deserves to be treated how a narcissist treats others.) but you have to claim back your responsibility, and not all the responsibility as most narcissists leave you feeling like you are solely to blame you were not. Creating for you a new belief system on what you want from life now, a new blueprint of where you’d like your life to go ask yourself. What direction do I want to take now?

If you put no postcode into a sat nav, it’s not going to know where to direct you, if you keep putting the same postcode in it’s going to keep taking you back to the same place, if that place brings you pain, you need to change the postcode. So work on creating where you’d like to be six months, two years from now, then see why you want it, and focus on that outcome, you will find a way, you will find the resources so long as you stick to it, it’s ok to take a detour now and again, just keep that new dream in mind, whatever that is for you.

You are no longer a victim, and you just didn’t have the knowledge to understand the situation and what was happening to you, until you made it out the other side as a survivor. While you stay in victim mindset all the things the narcissist throws your way will only keep you down, once you take back control of your mindset, understanding what they are now trying to do, you’ll have a better coping mechanism within yourself to deal with it all the right way and move forward with your life for you.

Creating yourself a different thought process, perspective, helps you move forward to a happier life, as your old thought process and perspectives are what put you where you were.

Now it’s time to listen to people’s actions and not just their words, not make endless excuses for those who hurt others. Help and be kind to those who are kind and are willing to help others.

Only you can take back your power and your control, of your own mindset and the direction you want to take your own life now.

You can achieve and accomplish anything you put your mind to, once you’re strong enough to take action to make it happen, you can make you strong enough, if another human can do something it’s possible and you can, and you will do it too.

Keep going you’ve got this.

Detaching your thoughts.

Healing insecurities.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

Twitter https://mobile.twitter.com/CoachElizabethS

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B4X-D95Axlm/?igshid=dwrruq1k9wui

Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Linkedin http://linkedin.com/in/overcoming-narcissistic-1b306a197

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

How narcissists invalidate you.

Overcoming insecurities.