You Won’t Find Closure with a Narcissist (Here’s Why)

You Won’t Find Closure There

People often imagine closure as a conversation.

A calm moment. Honest words. A sense of understanding that ties everything together and makes it make sense.

So after everything ends, there’s a pull to go back.

Not to restart. Not to reconnect.
Just to understand.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

At first, it feels reasonable.

There are unanswered questions. Things that didn’t add up. Moments that felt confusing, contradictory, or unresolved. And somewhere in that confusion is the hope that one final conversation might bring clarity.

Maybe they’ll explain.
Maybe they’ll acknowledge it.
Maybe they’ll finally see what happened.

So the conversation begins.

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It often starts calmly.

Words are chosen carefully. The intention is clear—this isn’t about arguing. It’s about understanding. About expressing what was felt, what didn’t make sense, what hurt.

And for a brief moment, it might seem like it’s working.

They listen. They nod. They respond just enough to make it feel like progress.

But then, something shifts.

Details begin to change.

Events that felt certain are questioned. Words that were clearly said are denied or reframed. The focus starts to move—not dramatically, but subtly.

What began as a conversation about their behaviour slowly becomes a conversation about your reaction.

Your tone.
Your timing.
Your interpretation.

And before long, you’re no longer explaining what happened.

You’re explaining yourself.

The clarity you came for starts to slip away.

You try again—more carefully this time. You explain things more clearly, more calmly, hoping to remove any misunderstanding.

But the more you explain, the more it unravels.

Because the goal was never understanding.

It was control.

Sometimes, an apology comes.

But it doesn’t land.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It wasn’t my intention.”

Words that sound like accountability—but avoid it entirely.

There’s no real acknowledgment. No reflection. No ownership of what actually happened.

Just enough to end the conversation.

Not enough to resolve it.

And when it’s over, something feels off.

Not relieved. Not clear.

Heavier.

More confused than before.

Because instead of answers, there are more questions. Instead of closure, there’s a deeper sense that something still doesn’t make sense.

That’s when the realisation begins.

Slowly, but clearly.

Closure was never going to come from that conversation.

Not because the questions were wrong.
But because the person being asked was never going to answer them honestly.

Narcissistic dynamics don’t end with resolution.

They end with deflection.
With blame.
With silence.

Or with just enough response to keep the loop going.

And that loop is what keeps people going back.

Looking for something that feels like it should be there—but never is.

The truth is, closure in these situations doesn’t come from being understood.

It comes from understanding.

Understanding the pattern.

The way conversations shift.
The way responsibility is avoided.
The way clarity is replaced with confusion.

Once that pattern is seen clearly, something changes.

The need to go back starts to fade.

Not because the questions are gone—but because the expectation of getting answers from that source no longer exists.

And without that expectation, the cycle begins to break.

Closure, then, becomes something different.

Not a conversation.

Not an apology.

Not a moment shared between two people.

But a decision.

A decision to stop searching for clarity in a place that only creates confusion.

A decision to accept what was shown—not what was promised.

A decision to trust the experience, even without their confirmation.

And in that space, something steadier begins to form.

Not immediate relief. Not instant peace.

But distance.

Clarity.

A quiet understanding that what was being sought was never going to be given.

Because closure, in the end, was never something they could offer.

And the moment that becomes clear…
is the moment it starts to be found elsewhere.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

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Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

🧠 How To Heal From Narcissistic Abuse: A CBT Recovery Program A structured, step-by-step healing program designed to help you rebuild your confidence, regulate triggers, and break trauma bonds using practical CBT-based tools. Learn how to reframe toxic thought patterns, strengthen emotional boundaries, and regain control of your life.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Strange Habits Narcissists Have With Social Media

Have you ever come across someone whose social media presence feels completely different from who they are in real life?

Online, everything about them looks perfect—polished photos, confident captions, and an ideal lifestyle. But offline, the experience feels… different. Maybe even confusing.

This disconnect isn’t always accidental. In many cases, it reflects deeper behavioral patterns—especially in individuals with narcissistic tendencies.

Social media can act as a powerful stage, and for narcissists, it often becomes a carefully managed performance. Understanding these patterns can help you make sense of confusing interactions and protect your emotional well-being.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Let’s explore some of the most common—and often strange—habits narcissists display on social media.

1. Curating a Perfect, Unrealistic Image

One of the most noticeable habits is the way narcissists craft their online persona.

Their profiles are rarely spontaneous or authentic. Instead, every post, photo, and caption is carefully selected to present a flawless version of their life. Success, happiness, beauty, popularity—it’s all amplified.

But what you see is often only a highlight reel, not reality.

Behind the scenes, things may be far less perfect. However, maintaining this ideal image is important to them because it feeds their need for admiration and validation.

If their online life feels “too perfect,” there’s a good chance it’s heavily curated.

2. Posting for Validation, Not Connection

Most people use social media to share moments, connect with others, or express themselves.

Narcissists, however, often use it as a tool for validation.

Likes, comments, shares—these become a form of emotional currency. The more attention they receive, the more validated they feel. In many cases, the reaction matters more than the content itself.

You might notice patterns like:

Frequent posting with similar themes
Fishing for compliments
Deleting posts that don’t get enough engagement

It’s less about meaningful interaction and more about maintaining a steady flow of attention.

3. Ignoring You Privately, Engaging Publicly

This is one of the most confusing behaviors.

They may leave your messages unread or unanswered for hours—or even days. Yet at the same time, they’re actively liking posts, commenting, or interacting publicly.

This creates mixed signals.

You might start to question yourself:

“Did they see my message?”
“Why are they active but not responding?”
“Did I do something wrong?”

In reality, this behavior can be intentional. It allows them to maintain control while keeping you emotionally engaged.

Public interaction keeps appearances intact, while private distance creates uncertainty—often pulling you in even more.

4. Watching Without Interacting

Another subtle but telling habit is passive observation.

They consistently view your stories, check your updates, and stay aware of what you’re doing—but rarely engage directly.

It’s a quiet form of presence.

This behavior allows them to:

Stay informed about your life
Maintain a sense of control or connection
Avoid vulnerability or direct communication

It can feel strange—like someone is always “there,” but never truly engaging.

Over time, this can create a sense of emotional imbalance, where you feel watched but not valued.

5. Sending Indirect Messages Through Posts

Have you ever read a post or caption that felt like it was meant specifically for you—but didn’t name you?

Narcissists often communicate indirectly on social media.

Instead of addressing issues openly, they may use:

Vague captions
Cryptic quotes
Passive-aggressive posts
Subtle digs disguised as “general thoughts”

This approach allows them to express emotions or provoke reactions without taking responsibility.

It can leave you feeling targeted, confused, or even manipulated—especially when the message feels personal but isn’t explicitly directed.

Healthy communication is direct. When everything becomes indirect, it often signals avoidance or control.

6. Acting Completely Different Online vs. Real Life

Perhaps the most striking pattern is the contrast between online and offline behavior.

On social media, they may appear:

Warm
Charismatic
Supportive
Engaging

But in real life, the experience can be very different:

Distant
Dismissive
Critical
Emotionally unavailable

This inconsistency can be jarring.

You might find yourself drawn to their online persona while feeling confused or hurt by their real-world behavior.

This gap exists because social media allows them to control how they’re perceived—something that’s much harder to maintain in genuine, face-to-face interactions.

Why These Patterns Matter

At first glance, these habits might seem harmless or just “how people use social media.”

But over time, they can have real emotional effects.

They can:

Create confusion and mixed signals
Lead to self-doubt
Keep you emotionally invested without real connection
Blur the line between reality and performance

Understanding these behaviors doesn’t mean labeling or diagnosing someone. Instead, it helps you recognize patterns and decide how you want to respond.

How to Protect Yourself

If you notice these behaviors in someone, the most important thing is to trust your observations.

You don’t need to overanalyze or confront immediately—but you can start setting boundaries.

Here are a few ways to protect your peace:

1. Don’t rely on social media for clarity
What you see online is often curated. Focus on real-life behavior instead.

2. Pay attention to consistency
Healthy relationships feel stable, not confusing or unpredictable.

3. Limit emotional investment in mixed signals
If someone’s behavior feels unclear, step back instead of chasing clarity.

4. Value direct communication
You deserve honesty—not indirect posts or hidden messages.

Final Thoughts

Social media should be a tool for connection—not performance.

When someone’s online behavior feels confusing, inconsistent, or overly curated, it’s worth paying attention.

Because real relationships aren’t built on appearances.

They’re built on authenticity, honesty, and genuine connection.

And if something feels off, it usually is.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

How Narcissists Hook You Emotionally (And Why It’s So Hard to Leave)

It didn’t feel like manipulation at the start.
It felt like relief.

Like finally meeting someone who saw you properly — not just the version you showed the world, but the parts you kept hidden. They asked the right questions, said the right things, and somehow seemed to understand you almost instantly. It was effortless. Natural. Easy in a way that made you question why everything before had felt so complicated.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Looking back, it was too much, too soon, too fast.
But at the time, it just felt right.

They texted constantly. Morning to night. Compliments that felt personal, not generic. You weren’t just “nice” or “attractive” — you were different. Special. They told you they’d never met anyone like you before. And you believed them, because it felt genuine. It felt earned.

Then came the mirroring.

You liked something — they liked it too.
You valued honesty — so did they.
Your sense of humour, your outlook on life, even your past experiences seemed to align in a way that felt almost uncanny. It wasn’t just compatibility. It felt like connection on a deeper level. Like you’d finally found someone who got it.

And then, without really noticing how it happened, things became intense.

Deep conversations late into the night. Vulnerability shared early — sometimes surprisingly early. Talk of the future slipped in casually, as if it was already assumed. It felt comforting, not rushed. Reassuring, not overwhelming.

You felt chosen.

Out of everyone, they chose you.
And that feeling is powerful.

Because being chosen makes you invest. It makes you lean in, open up, trust faster than you normally would. It creates a bond before a foundation has had time to form.

And then… something shifted.

It wasn’t sudden. Not at first.
Just small changes.

The messages weren’t as frequent. The tone slightly different. The attention that once felt constant became inconsistent. You noticed it, but you didn’t want to overreact. Everyone has off days, you told yourself.

But the feeling didn’t go away.

So you did what most people do — you tried harder. You gave more. You became more aware of how you were coming across, more careful with your words, more focused on keeping things “good”.

Because you’d seen how good it could be.

And that’s where the hook tightens.

They’d give you glimpses of the beginning again — just enough to remind you of what you felt at the start. A compliment here. A moment of closeness there. And just as quickly, it would disappear again.

It becomes a cycle.
Highs and lows.
Attention and distance.
Warmth and coldness.

And without realising it, you start chasing it.

Not them — the feeling.
The version of them you met in the beginning.

At some point, they may start sharing more about their past. Painful experiences. People who wronged them. Situations where they were misunderstood or hurt. It feels like vulnerability, and in many ways it is — but it also creates something else.

Responsibility.

You don’t just care about them anymore. You feel for them. You want to support them, understand them, maybe even help them heal. And that emotional investment makes it even harder to step back when things don’t feel right.

Because now, leaving doesn’t just feel like losing a relationship.
It feels like abandoning someone who trusted you.

They might not ask directly for help or support. Instead, they hint. They imply. They create situations where you feel compelled to step in. To fix. To give. To prove that you’re there for them.

And slowly, the balance shifts.

You’re giving more than you’re receiving.
Trying harder than you should have to.
Explaining yourself more than necessary.

And questioning yourself more than ever before.

That’s the part no one talks about enough.

It’s not just that they change — it’s that you start to change too.

You become more anxious. More uncertain. More focused on getting it “right”. You replay conversations in your head. You wonder if you said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, expected too much.

Because the clarity you had at the start has been replaced with confusion.

And confusion is powerful.

Because when you’re confused, you don’t act.
You analyse. You wait. You hope.

You hold on to what it was, instead of accepting what it is.

That’s why it’s so hard to leave.

It’s not just attachment — it’s the way that attachment was built. Quickly. Intentionally. In a way that bypassed your usual pace, your usual boundaries, your usual caution.

By the time you start to question it properly, you’re already emotionally invested.

And walking away doesn’t just mean letting go of them.
It means letting go of what you thought it was going to be.

That version of them.
That version of the relationship.
That feeling you had in the beginning.

But here’s the truth that changes everything:

It wasn’t real in the way you believed it was.

Not because your feelings weren’t real — they were.
But because what created those feelings wasn’t consistent, stable, or genuine in the long term.

It was a hook.

And once you see that clearly, something shifts.

You stop asking, “What did I do wrong?”
And start asking, “Why did this feel so right, so quickly?”

You stop chasing the beginning.
And start paying attention to the pattern.

Because real connection doesn’t rush you.
It doesn’t confuse you.
And it doesn’t make you feel like you have to earn back something that was freely given at the start.

And the moment you recognise that — not just logically, but emotionally — is the moment you begin to take your power back.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

What Narcissists Secretly Fear (And Why They Act This Way)

What Narcissists Secretly Fear (Even If They Never Show It)

On the surface, narcissists can seem confident—almost untouchable.

They carry themselves with certainty. They speak as if they know exactly who they are and what they’re doing. To anyone looking in from the outside, they appear in control.

But beneath that image, something else is driving their behaviour.

Fear.

Not the kind they openly express—but the kind they spend a lot of energy trying to hide.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

The Fear of Being Exposed

One of their deepest fears is being seen for who they really are.

Not the confident version they present—but the insecure, flawed, and uncertain parts underneath.

This is why even small challenges can trigger strong reactions. A simple question, a disagreement, or being called out on something can feel like a threat to their entire identity.

Instead of reflecting, they defend.

They deny.
They deflect.
They may even attack.

Because being exposed doesn’t just feel uncomfortable—it feels unbearable.

The Fear of Losing Control

Control is often what keeps everything together for them.

Control over how they’re perceived.
Control over conversations.
Sometimes, control over the people around them.

When that control feels like it’s slipping—when someone sets a boundary, disagrees, or becomes independent—it can create a sense of instability.

So they try to regain it.

Through pressure.
Through guilt.
Through subtle or direct manipulation.

Not always because they want power—but because control feels like safety.

The Fear of Rejection

Despite how they may behave, many narcissists carry a deep fear of rejection or abandonment.

But instead of expressing vulnerability, they protect themselves in other ways.

They may push people away first.
Become distant or cold.
End relationships before they can be left.

From the outside, it can look like they don’t care.

But often, it’s the opposite.

It’s a way of avoiding the feeling of being unwanted.

The Fear of Being Ignored

Attention plays a bigger role than it may seem.

Being acknowledged, noticed, or even reacted to can reinforce their sense of importance.

Without it, something shifts.

They may feel invisible.
Unimportant.
Disconnected.

This is why they may seek attention in different ways—sometimes positive, sometimes negative.

Because for them, attention isn’t just about recognition.

It’s about feeling like they exist in a meaningful way.

The Fear of Criticism

Criticism, even when it’s mild or constructive, can feel like a direct attack.

Not just on their behaviour—but on who they are.

So instead of taking it in, they react.

They become defensive.
Shift the blame.
Minimise what was said.
Or shut down completely.

To others, it can seem like an overreaction.

But internally, it challenges the image they rely on to feel stable.

The Fear of Not Being Admired

Admiration isn’t just something they enjoy—it’s something they often depend on.

It reinforces their identity.
It validates how they see themselves.
It fills something that otherwise feels empty.

Without it, there can be a sense of discomfort that’s hard to sit with.

So they seek it.

Through achievements.
Through image.
Through how others respond to them.

Not always in obvious ways—but consistently.

How These Fears Shape Their Behaviour

When you step back, a pattern begins to form.

The defensiveness.
The need for control.
The sensitivity to criticism.
The push-and-pull in relationships.

It’s not random.

It’s protective.

These behaviours are often ways of managing what they don’t want to feel.

And understanding that can change how you see it.

What This Means for You

Recognising these fears doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour.

But it does provide context.

It helps you see that their reactions are not always about you—even if they feel personal.

It can explain the inconsistency.
The intensity.
The confusion.

And most importantly, it can help you stop internalising it.

The Shift in Perspective

When you understand what’s driving the behaviour, something changes.

You stop trying to fix it.
You stop trying to prove your point in every moment.
You stop measuring yourself against their reactions.

Because you begin to see the pattern for what it is.

Not a reflection of your worth—but a reflection of their internal world.

Closing

Narcissists may never openly acknowledge these fears.

In many cases, they’re not fully aware of them themselves.

But the patterns are there.

And once you see them clearly, you don’t just understand their behaviour—you understand your experience.

And that understanding is where clarity begins.

Because in the end, the power isn’t in changing them.

It’s in seeing the truth—without losing yourself in the process.

Check these out!

Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Advertisements

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

👉 Start your recovery journey here: https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/l/pdp/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-a-cbt-recovery-program