The Narcissistic Work Colleague or Boss.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse By, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The narcissist in your life as most of you might already know could be anyone, from a parent to a partner, friend to a colleague, boss to siblings, neighbour or even your own children. ( some toddlers and teenagers do have traits, so if yours are showing them it doesn’t always mean they are.) so how do you know a work colleague or a boss is a narcissist, how do you handle them, and with them being a boss or a work colleagues, this means that places you, eat, drink, shop and stay could have a narcissist in there. As we become more aware and more tuned into our instincts we can often spot the rather fast.

A narcissistic boss or work colleague can make work-life extremely difficult, and for the most part, you have to work around them if they are extreme and your employer doesn’t take action you might need to consider a new job.

1. Bosses will expect recognition for themselves when things go well.

2. Blame all others and dodge responsibility when things go wrong.

3. Has favourites and will change these depending on who’s the most useful at that time.

4. Takes over meetings and conversations, always trying to get the last word in.

5. Causes conflict between people, Plays people off against each other, the divide and conquer.

6. Makes unreasonable demands, or changes the game at the last minute often not letting others know to create confusion.

7. Keeps promising new job opportunities, pay raises, promotions yet fails to deliver.

Signs are similar to most narcissistic people, as they have a disorder, it’s who they are and it’s what they do.

1. Idolisation, when you first start, or they first start, they might seem like really nice people that really want to get to know you, they might want to socialise outside of work, they might want your help in learning about the job, they might flatter you, then the next minute for what you can find no reason, they hate you, narcissists due to cognitive distortions only see in black and white, so they either love people (in their way.) or they hate people, there is no compromise and no middle ground. They might just walk into the job or you might and they are envious of you from day one and seek to take you down or they might try to make friends with you, they most often will start their triangulation games, to divide and conquer, smear your name and destroy you in the workplace, I’ll add a triangulation link at the bottom for more information. So with a work colleague or a boss you might never be idolised, however, you most often always will be devalued at some point and eventually discarded. When you’re not doing exactly what they want when they want they will most often begin to devalue you in front of others, so a boss could raise you so high in front of others, with constant flattery and attention to how good at your job you are, which when narcissists are involved often leads to employees falling out, then when they have you isolated from your co-workers they have you where they want you, so when they begin to devalue you have no one for support.

How to disarm, best advice is to just avoid them, not always possible depending on your boss or the size of your workplace when it comes to avoiding colleagues, so when they are playing nice, enjoy it and play nice back, but tread carefully they usually only ever play nice because they want something and as soon as you say no they will throw almighty tantrums, when they do, ignore, ignore and ignore some more. If it’s extreme, then it’s a case of looking for a new job.

2. They will do their personal best to take all the credit for the work that you have done. Narcissists are thieves and they believe they can take whatever they want whenever they want and pass off as there own as they are self-entitled, arrogant and they do not care for who they walk over to get their own needs met.

How to disarm, if you can ask them about it, in-font of a boss, or other colleagues as they most likely not know the full details to explain and you can then step in and explain, keep a record of your work, also if it’s a colleague don’t tell people who you believe are their enablers what your new ideas are.

3. As they believe they are above all others and feel entitled, they often enjoy talking about themselves and exaggerating all accomplishments, or lying about things they’ve achieved, they love to brag and get attention, now good people also do like to talk but it’s usually a two way conversation, not just the narc way. So pay attention to whether their words match their actions and achievements.

How to disarm. Leave them to it, don’t buy into it, and if others want to let them listen and learn, you go about your job and your life, let them do what they do.

4. Intimidation, they might yell, name call, project, gossip, silent treatment, play people off against each other, threaten to make life as difficult as possible for you.

How to disarm, retreat and don’t react, take notes, keep records, document with, dates, witnesses, and take to the boss or senior management if it’s the boss, take it to whoever you need, until you get the help and support you need, for smaller companies you might just have to face the fear and walk away, to start an incredible new job.

5. Insensitive to others needs. You can get this again with a boss or a colleague, with their lack of empathy they have no thoughts to the needs of those around them. If you’re overworked, underpaid, stressed, family issues or ill, to them it’s not their problem, they will offer no help or support, they will just want to take more from you, unless your being idolised, which they are usually doing to play you off against other colleagues, or to get something from you before they drop you again.

How to disarm, don’t tell them things they don’t need to know, they’re not interested and will only use them against you if you’re too ill to work, they call in sick, hold the phone away whilst they moan, thank them when they’ve done and then hang up, relax, rest up and get better.

6. Uses you to for their own gains, as narcissists are self-entitled and exploit people, they do use people, so they might want you to go above and beyond for them, so they’ll want you to do things for them that are above and beyond the job description, or more than you’d normally do for a work colleague, they might want you to run personal errands, they be no or very little give and take, they be no extra pay or acknowledgement, any praise will be given in front of others, to make those feel envious and work harder, now some bosses or colleagues might ask these things, it will be genuine and if you were to ask them they most likely would for you.

A colleague might ask continually to borrow money from you, rarely to never paying you back, they might ask you to go to their home and help them lift or fix something, they might always be in need of a lift to or from work and if you say no for whatever reason you can not help out that day, you will most often get the silent treatment, if you say yes they’ll just ask for more and more, never really showing any form of gratitude, and always just using you more and more to meet their own needs, they don’t care if you have to go out of your way for them on a continued basis, all they care for is their needs are being met.

How to disarm, if it’s not in your contract and you feel uncomfortable doing something then say no, if it’s a colleague, then they will have people to help them if they can not help themselves, yes good people might be in need of support, and there is nothing wrong with doing favours for those in need, just make sure you’re doing them for the right people. narcissistic people are all about taking.

7. Uses you to break rules or ethical norms, often they will do just enough for you, so when they ask you to do something that’s not feeling right, you believe they are a good person, they ask with such conviction you feel guilty or like you would be betraying them if you didn’t, they pull you in with the idolisation, twist it into your idea, so you do things that you wouldn’t normally do, they often make out that in some way it’s not for them it’s all to help you, and when you do it, they will use it against you further down the line either to break a boundary, so when you stand tall and say no, they can do the “after all I’ve done for you.” To try and make you feel guilty or to intimidate you, as they believe they are entitled, they pull you in unwittingly as an enabler, until you struggle to find a way to break free. Many narcissists believe they are above the law, they will take big or small advantage of those around them, they will abuse financial expenses, often using employees somehow to do so, they will falsify legal documents, to meet needs of their own, or to gain extra financial resources by falsifying business earnings, either by earning less or more depending in their need at that time.

How to disarm. There’s no easy way out of these things, make sure you safely have as much evidence as you can, in case they come after you, then make the choice to accept no more and leave the job, person or business, they might hit with smear campaigns. I’ll add the smear campaign link at the bottom, just stay out of it the best you can.

8. They will blame others for their own failures as a narcissist can not self reflect on the errors of their ways and will not accept accountability in any for or responsibility unless it serves a purpose for them, once served they will switch the blame again, they are highly sensitive to any form of perceived criticism. Negative feedback or constructive criticism severely damages the narcissists already fragile ego, they will blame employees, triangulate employees, project onto those around them, you might witness anger, or forms of the silent treatment, I shall add silent treatment link at the bottom.

How to disarm, if it’s a colleague just stay clear of them and use the grey rock approach that I shall add at the bottom, if it’s a boss, the best advice is looking for a new job.

10. The negative emotions, narcissist are full of negative emotions, they can and they will do all that they can to pull others down and make them feel insecure, be it a boss triangulating employees or a colleague playing people off against each other, they do all they can to manipulate and keep people off balance, they can criticise, judge and ridicule often in subtle ways, or in ways perceived to be helpful yet are toxic They like to make those around them feel inferior so that they feel dominant.

How to disarm, avoiding them is best, Observe their toxic words don’t absorb, know your truths, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, don’t let others opinions of you define who you are, trust those instincts if something doesn’t feel right, it most often isn’t.

11. Tantrum or threaten, a narcissist boss or colleague will threaten with all they have, anything they Manipulated you to do they will use against you, they will threaten court proceedings if they feel they can, again this can be subtle “I could take you.” The Covert way, or obvious “I will take you.”

Remember most things you did at the time you believed them to be a good person, and you did what you did with good intentions, whether what you did was rights or wrong, most often these predictors do take advantage of other people’s good nature, most often if they take you to court, you might be able to gather enough evidence to let them sink themselves, so if they are threatening, gather what evidence you can, emails, texts, bank transfers and dates, keep them safe, where they’ll never be able to get to them and walk away.

12. The pity play, when the boss wants you to work longer and longer with little extra pay, or will not give you a pay rise, they might have been most helpful to start, yet now no more, and they’ll say how they’ve got homes to run, children to feed, to try and make you feel guilty for asking, they will ask more and more from you to give less and less back, work colleagues can also ask for loans with pity plays of the children’s birthday, they’ll not be able to get to work etc, pulling on your empathy to break down your boundaries and give in to their demands.

How to disarm, know your worth, if you’re not contracted to work extra say no, mean no, and stick to that no if they’re a colleague and you don’t want to loan them money don’t loan them money.

They will be gaslighting people with all the “I never said that.” Or “If only you’d had done this correctly.” Or “I never agreed to that.” They are most often always looking for that get out of jail free card.

Instincts, always listen to your instincts, if something feels off about a person, or things don’t sit right with you, no matter who they are, those instincts are usually right and trying to warn you, listen to them, either avoid the people, avoid the places, change jobs, we often get ourselves caught up in the cycle through fear We could be wrong or fear of change, safely step through that fear, change that thing and it can change everything for you.

You can help other people who will either inspire you or drain you, if they drain you it’s time to walk away, you can not change other people especially those with a disorder it’s who they are and unless they can recognise and take action to change they will continue the cycle with you or with someone else, no one deserves to be abused, every deserves to make the choice to walk away.

You did not cause it and you can not change it, it’s who they are, it’s a tough enough job changing ourselves and our own life patterns, people can only ever change themselves, yes with helpful guidance and support, but manipulative people only ever do this on a temporary basis, we all make mistakes and errors in judgment that’s a part of life, life’s lessons and how we learn, yet mistakes repeated more than once is a decision, whether, that’s someone else’s decision because they don’t feel guilty, empathy or remorse and see no need to change, or ours through fear or regret or what if we are wrong about them, we should stand by and help them, unfortunately this isn’t always the case, good people yes, those who rattle your anxiety, your instincts, your inner peace, no walk away, set yourself free, and create a much happier, more peaceful life for you.

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Triangulation.

Silent treatment.

Intimidation.

Smear campaign.

How to handle yourself.

Eight Characteristics Of A Covert Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse By, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so some are just mental and emotionally abusive which in itself is soul-destroying to those who’ve lived it, some are also physically abusive, yet through fear people stay, as it’s on a spectrum there is those who you can learn to handle, now I know a few say why me, I’m not actually in the wrong. ( once over all the self-blame and Self-doubt toxic spell they put us under.) The thing is they have a disorder it’s who they are, they do not see themselves as a problem, they do not reflect on their actions, they are never accountable, therefore they see no need to change, they change their partners, they change their lies, all to meet a need of their own, they never change themselves, now those without empathy can be extremely dangerous, you know what you’ve been through and how far they take things, so always get our safely and always put your safety first. There are those you will need to move miles away from, usually the narcissist sociopath or narcissist psychopath, I’ll add the video link at the bottom, others, however, if you have to co-parent, cut off a good parent if you cut off the toxic one, work colleague and other than them your jobs great, you can learn to handle yourself around them, yet there are so many types on the disorder so how do you know what you’re truly dealing with, to know if you need to disarm them. First things first Abuse is Abuse, mental, physical or both, no one deserves this, and no one should put up with this, whether they are narcissistic or not.

When people think of narcissism, they often think of the outward grandiose, attention-seeking, superior, confident, outgoing, charming, ( superficial charm.) lack of responsibility, exploiting others, manipulative and the rest. Yet not all are the overt, grandiose or extraverted, some are introverted, shy, vulnerable, closet, the covert narcissist. Yes they have the same destructive behaviours as the grandiose or overt narcissist, and they can both cross over between the two at times, depending on who they are with and what manipulation they are doing, so most narcissists can play the woe is my victim if needed, most can play the hero if needed, and most will never play the villain, only ever offering a false apology if they have something to gain by doing so.

Many introverts and extroverts are not actually narcissistic if they don’t go around exploiting people. If they don’t feel entitled, and if they have the ability to care for others, empathy, they are not a narcissist.

Although no type of narcissist is actually obvious at first as we often don’t even know about the disorder, yet when we do, we listen more to our own instincts when the signals go off, even when we are unsure as to what they are telling us, as narcissistic people do have a way of making others feel off-balance, they have a way of influencing others, and the more we know, the more we notice, as hard as it can be to listen to those instincts as most will have raised you high at some point so we want to believe they are good genuine people, with their blame-shifting, gaslight and other manipulative behaviours, we are often led to believe the problem is us, yet once we’ve been sucked in before, learned about the disorder and learned about ourselves, we learn to listen to those instincts and walk away from people we meet that just something doesn’t feel right, words not matching actions, the way they treat other etc.

An overt narcissist will say things in move obvious ways ” I more educated than you.” “You look awful in that.” “You’re not qualified.” “You’re not capable.” “You’re crazy.” You can not do that.” And all the rest.

A covert does the same yet a lot more subtle. ” I don’t think you can do that.” “I don’t think you should wear that.” ” are you really going to do that.” “I wouldn’t do that if I was you.” “Are you losing your mind.” And all the rest.

Still when you love and care for someone it’s hard to pay close attention to these comments, instead our brains take them in and we begin to question ourselves, instead of questioning the very person that’s telling them to us, leaving us full of self-doubt and going to the very person that’s giving us self-doubt for support only for them to sink us further.

Eight characteristics of a covert narcissist.

1. Lack of empathy, now most narcissists have a complete lack in empathy, they are self-absorbed and often just think about themselves and getting their need met, they will rarely to never be there for you when you need them the most, some people when sick will keep going, therefore they might act, say or do things in a way you wouldn’t if someone else is sick, so for example if someone with empathy is sick, yet carry on, when you’re sick they might ask how you are, yet expect you to carry on, yet not judge you if you don’t, a covert narcissist will want, need and demand attention help and support when they are sick, yet when you are it’ll be things like. “You said you’d do this for me today.” Or “are you still going to take me here?” It will always be about them getting their needs met, and if you don’t, they will hold it against you forevermore when they need to bring it up, they’ll forget the part where you were so sick you couldn’t and remind you about the fact you didn’t do something for them.

2. Passive-aggressive. Some covert narcissists, deal with conflict or situations in passive-aggressive ways, often acting indirectly aggressive, which most narcissists can do, coverts do so most of the time, the show resistance to requests from those around them in more subtle ways, than the obvious covert who will tell you straight out, “I’m not doing that.” Or “I do things my way.” A covert might actually agree with a shrug of the shoulders, say “of course.” “Yes.” Or “as you like.” When You ask them if they could help you out, then sit and do nothing, they might be sullen, sit and procrastinate or be stubborn about it, yet not actually do it. When you ask why they didn’t they might make up excuses, or say things like. “I thought you meant this.” Or “I forgot.” And still not bother even though they agreed. They will conveniently forget. So if you ask them to grab something and they don’t it’ll be. ” I forgot.” You feel let down as you thought they would, yet can not really say anything as it could be a mistake. Now good people do forget and will often try to make it up. Covert conveniently forget on a regular basis, gaslight by saying “I forgot.” They shrug their shoulders and never do anything about it.

3. Highly sensitive. Most narcissists are sensitive to most forms of criticism even constructive helpful criticism, where an overt might twist it onto you, provoke an argument so they can blame-shift an overt will most likely, defend themselves with snugness, seem to completely dismiss what you’ve said to them, or completely withdraw from the conversation, and go on a silent treatment. Most do not let on that they have been offended and will continue to scheme to get people back if you’ve offered advice, they might just shut the conversation down, they might pity play so you feel sorry for them and make excuses up for them. Things like. “It’s ok for you, you got help from x, I have to do things for myself, no one ever helped me out.”

4. Misunderstood. Whilst most narcissists believe they are better than all others, unique and special, and it’s ok to feel special, the difference is narcissistic people feel special entitled and above all others, they do not see people as individuals that are equal and every is worthy, they only see themselves as worthy, a covert can feel like the world is against them, as most narcissists do, there are the overt that put the grand superiority act on, and then the covert act and speak more venerable and tell tails of how all others let them down and hurt them, overt will often say. “They can read people.” Coverts will say. “Nobody gets me.”

5. Quite smugness, entitlement, superior. Once we learn about the disorder overt scam be easier to spot with their big act in grand ways of how much better they are than others and their exaggeration of achievements, coverts are a little trickier, they tend to listen half-heartedly and observe what’s happening around them, they might not express negativity straight out like the overt who’d criticise what others say or do and put people down, coverts most often, eye roll, groan, eye glare, start yawing, dismissive gestures or get bored. Any comments made will be extremely judgemental and only from one point of view which is as all narcissists their point of view only.

6. Self-absorbed. Most narcissists do not pay attention or listen to others, with the overt they will but in a take over conversations, not to be helpful, to make it all about them, coverts can be quieter, therefore they might just look like they are listening and paying attention to you, the just zone out and block what you are saying, good people can do this if they are busy, or stressed over a situation, coverts do this most of the time, they make a quick judgement on whether the conversation will serve them, and if not, their mind is out of there as they think about themselves.

7. Difficulty maintaining relationships. Most narcissistic people find this difficult, as deep down most are insecure individuals that run around telling so many lies, they don’t know who to trust, some have actually had some form of trauma and been deeply hurt in their past, although this is no excuse to go around hurting others, good people who’ve been hurt go around helping others through which does help them feel better, narcissists go around destroying all others to help them feel better, most narcissistic people do the idolisation, devalue, discard and hoover, and some can stay in a relationship for years others only months, but all have problems maintaining a healthy relationship with anyone close to them, due to their lack of ability to compromise, their need for control, and the fact they never think anything is their fault, as they flip the script within their own minds, change the reality and end up believing their own lies, whilst getting enables and flying monkeys to believe them also.

8. Patronising and condescending, most narcissists patronise people around them, all take people down, so those around them are left feeling not good enough, with an overt it’s more “you can not do that.” Or “you’re crazy. With a covert, they’ll say things more like. “I wouldn’t if I was you.” Or “I’m concerned for your mental health.”

Coverts on the outside don’t often seem that bad and are not often physically abusive, all narcissists are confusing when we don’t understand what they do, yet coverts are so much more subtle in the way they go around things, often their words never match their actions, and you just feel off around them, they might not directly put you down, or they might do it in a way that seems to be like they are helping you, they might not scream and shout or lash out. Yet you feel belittled by them and confused around them, questioning what they meant by that last remark. Listening to your body and your instincts, if something feels off, even if you don’t know what, those instincts are trying to protect you.

The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, they will use a weakness or strength of the individual they are targeting, they will use their manipulation tactics to suit their needs and depending on the person they are trying to manipulate. As we have the malignant, grandiose, somatic, cerebral, overt and covert, the victim narcissist on the spectrum, some are far more dangerous than others and you need to stay well clear, others if you can manage your own state of mind and limit contact you don’t have to completely cut them off, just be careful they don’t infect your mind.

Some once you see what they are and what they do, you can learn to observe and not absorb their toxic natural, I shall add the video link at the bottom, some you can limit time around and avoid certain topics of conversation, some you need to stay well clear.

Those who have the disorder, have a disorder, you can not change them, it’s a hard enough job changing ourselves, plus they don’t want to recognise and faults within themselves to learn from mistakes and find strategies to cope with their disorder, they’ed just prefer to carry on their path of destruction whilst blaming all others.

Never call them out on their behaviour, those without empathy, you never know how they will act, if you don’t like how someone treats you, you are more than entitled to leave them to it and go live your life with them no longer in it, it’s not cruel, it’s not mean, to let someone who continuously lets you down and hurts you to go live their life, whilst you go and live yours, much wiser, much stronger and so much happier.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Psychopath, sociopaths.

Observe don’t absorb.

How To Do No Contact With A Narcissist And Some Hoover Tactics They Might Try Afterwards.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse By, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The first step to breaking free and recovery from narcissistic abuse, once you are out safely is no contact it’s not always possible to go no contact if you can this is the best thing you can do, if not it’s the grey rock. Yet so many people do get a little stuck in the no contact stage. Whether it’s due to the need for closure, self-esteem issues, the trauma bond a need to seek revenge, not being able to let go, allowing the narcissist to contact you by not blocking them, or you find ways to contact them, you are far from alone, this, however, will only keep you trapped in the endless cycle of misery and pain that comes with a toxic relationship, yes it takes practice and it is a learning curve, some people do get it straight away, for others it takes time, start with telling yourself after you’ve achieved one day no contact you will reward yourself, whatever that reward is for you to keep you on track, then think of something to reward yourself after seven days again after fourteen days, then after one month, and keep your mind focused on that reward or that treat, whatever it is for you, and you’re not allowed it if you break no Contact, then keep going until your mind can see that life without the narcissist is much more peaceful, joyful and happy. As humans, most of us are extremely creative in our ability to deny the negative consequences of our own actions and choices. No, you did not deserve the Abuse, no one deserves the Abuse, and with the added toxic words from their gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting and other manipulation methods, our minds end up with so many different confusing stories. So if we give ourselves a positive reward it helps us through this no contact step.

So what is no contact, what no contact isn’t and what hoover manipulation moves might the narcissist try after no contact?

Sometimes going no contact isn’t the hard part, it’s the guilt we feel, if it’s the other parent to our children, a friend, ex-partner, our own parents or siblings, as we care and build a bond we can feel a large amount of guilt, depending on to what extent you’ve been through, some can just feel anger and resentment, or we can work through both, these are both normal emotions after a narcissistic relationship, I’ll add links at the bottom for more information on these.

Most often we deceive ourselves in thinking that if we just reach out, if we just try to explain our point of view, if we can just get them to understand it will not have any negative consequences in any serious way if we break no contact, just once, just to see, Sometimes life just seems far too painful without them, as they’ve downplayed their abuse and shifted the blame onto you so we have that self-doubt and question ourselves, so we go for that quick fix of gaining relief believing the narcissist will help or wanting answers and it can be very hard to resist.  In the case of a toxic relationship, most of us become so addicted to those crazy cycles we’ve fallen into with the narcissist, due to the human needs been met in negative ways and the trauma bond, I’ll add a link at the bottom of these, that we find any excuse we can to let them back into our life so we can experience temporary relief from the pain we are feeling. The worst thing about excuses is within our own minds they are extremely valid. Because of the six human needs being met in negative ways and the trauma bonding, we are weaning ourselves off a drug from all those highs and lows the narcissist puts us through. But just as the alcoholic who gives in and takes that one drink will likely end up going straight out on a bender, then having to start over, often when they come for the hoover you end up taking them back. It takes an average of seven attempts for people to get out and stay out of these kinds of relationships, so if you stayed out on the first of the twenty-first you’re not alone, if you haven’t yet, you can and you will just do so safely, although the narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, those with little to no empathy can be dangerous, some are just mentally abusive, some are mentally and physically, so make a safe exit plan. I’ll link a video at the bottom for more information on getting out.

If you have already tried no contact or grey rock and broken it, you might already know all too well that we are the ones who pay the price for breaking No Contact. Our only hope for true recovery and freedom is by taking those baby steps each and every day, riding out the storms of the times we want to reach out, the times we want to defend ourselves to the mass smear campaigns and those feelings of withdrawal and the cravings most of us do have at the start for contact with the narcissist that you may well have early on in the process. The steps to losing your Narcissist and truly withdrawing from them are the same as quitting any other addictive substances. Your addiction and the thoughts and feelings it produces in you is nothing to be ashamed of at all, and you are far from alone in how you feel. yet it is something you need to and you will overcome. We have a great ability within ourselves to alter our own mindsets and recreate ourselves, you have a greater chance of doing so, by sticking to no contact or grey rock. So you can lift the brain fog and the toxic spell they put us under, to day by day start seeing clearly and thinking clearly for ourselves, whilst starting then using your present to focus on creating a much happier future for you.

What is and how to implement no contact.

No Contact is no Contact with someone there is a number of specific things you need to do when it comes to no contact with a narcissist to make sure that it’s truly no contact, most of us do slip up at first, as it is Unnatural to most, it’s a learning curve so please don’t worry if you have or do just go again.

1. Blocking them from your mobile phone. Some phones no longer allow the complete blocking of numbers, but you can program your phone to have any calls or voicemails. Do not listen to any voicemails left by the narcissist as tempting as this may be. Save them in case you need to save them for a possible harassment/stalking, non-molestation or restraining orders. Some phone plans allow you to call your service provider and block numbers through them using a password. Let a friend or family member handle the password so that you won’t have the ability to unblock the narcissist’s number. Sometimes you might have to take the step to just get a new number and let all your contacts know, other than any that might inform the narcissist. This method has proven highly successful for many people who had problems maintaining No Contact and unblocked the narcissist from their phones during moments of weakness, again please don’t worry if you’ve had those moments, it’s ok just like learning anything keep going until you succeed.

2. Blocking them from your email accounts.  If you feel the need to explain what you are doing, then send them a final email immediately before blocking them. I would recommend not explaining but some of us find it easier to do so. Don’t look for a reply, because doing so will only lead to more crazy-making. Don’t talk yourself into thinking you can negotiate with them. All you’ll ever get in return is blame-shifting, project and all the other forms of psychological manipulation that you’ve been subjected to so many times before. I shall add the link at the bottom to explain why they always think they are right.

3. Blocking them from all of your social networks This includes Facebook, Instagram, Skype, Snapchat, Facetime, youtube, Pinterest. eBay etc. Make a complete list of all the networks you use and remove them from all of them, some narcissists have been known to contact through eBay and YouTube. So if you can not block close the accounts and open new ones, yes it’s annoying, but short term pain for long term gain. Many of us have a hard time hitting the unfriend button on the narcissist on our social media networks. Then hitting delete and black. This usually due to two things. First, most of us believe it’s cruel.  If you find yourself with this thought, write down all those times you’ve needed them and they were not there for you. you’d do well to recognize the fact that, for all the sympathy you may show the narcissist, they are plotting ways to get to you, some will use social media to show you their replacement of you and how well they are apparently treating them.

Another reason that you may find it’s hard to block the narcissist from your social networks is that it might not feel ready or and you may not be fully prepared to completely and permanently remove them from your life, NO CONTACT can feel like a death only they are still alive And in many ways, it is like one, the person you thought they were, the dreams you were sold and were never delivered. You have to remove negative and toxic people from your life for your own sanity. Remember that the person you loved and who is now gone from your life was really just an illusion, anyway. Start creating new dreams for you, and focusing on making those a reality as you can, you’re in charge of your mind and your life now is the time to take back control of you.

4. Do not answer the door if they come over.  And the abusive narcissist will often do just that when they have no other ways or means of contacting you.  But don’t be fooled by them, do not open the door it only shows the narcissist that they are still inside your head, which is all they really want, We can often feel and think that ignoring them is being unkind and cruel, but if you open the door, they will be validated in their idea that you are inferior and easy to fool and that they truly are superior and can do as they please. Ignore those feelings and remember just how baldly they’ve treated you and let you down, not been there for them when you truly needed them, that they do it to cause you psychological pain, you are doing it to remove that pain from your life. If they are persistent and continue knocking on your door, walk away from it, go to a far room. call the police. Which can be difficult to do, but it’s hard for police to gain enough to charge these people, so building up that record of their best bits of help. You are taking a stand, all they want is power and control, so those who persist, don’t think that they are doing it because they love or care, they are doing it either because they want to use you for something, or realise they are insignificant and are losing control of you.

5. not responding to any of the narcissist’s friends or family that they send your way in order to give you information from the narcissist or in order to give the narcissist information about you. You will most likely have to also block and delete their family, friends and mutual friends. Only have one trusted friend that you share your struggles with.  You will need to inform everyone else who tries to initiate a conversation with you regarding the narcissist that you are moving on and prefer not to talk about the situation. Or if someone tells you something that the narcissist has said respond with. “Oh this is very interesting, please tell me what I did next.” If you have mutual friends, you might have to leave them with the narcissist, the only other thing is to not inform them of anything about you, or if you believe the narcissist is getting information from someone you know, tell those you think it might be a different story and then wait to see which one the narcissist finds out about, their your flying monkey, no contact them, yes that’s hard, but remember they are telling things about you to others, and people who don’t respect you, are not needed in your life. Joining support groups can help you connect with others who understand what you’ve been through.

6. Any letters that arrive from them to you, give them to a good friend or relative to open and let them see if it’s a legal matter or just another of the narcissist’s attempts at hoovering. If you are being harassed give them to the police. Any that arrive for them, simply put return to sender and back into the post box. not opening any cards, boxes or packages that they might have delivered to your home or work.  If you are at home when the delivery person arrives, determine if it’s something from the narcissist and, if so, refuse the delivery.  If you aren’t home and the item is left at your door, give it to a trusted friend or neighbour without opening it. If you think it may have evidence give to the police. Or mark as a return to sender and take to sorting office.

7. Do not accepting any new friend requests on social networks, as these are often online surveillance cameras for the narcissists especially if it’s a new profile with no picture.  The new friend request could either be the narcissist themselves or one of their flying monkeys sent to monitor your Facebook activity. You may find that ignoring friend requests is rude or mean, but you’ll want to let go of this. Now is the time to protect yourself and do what’s right and best for you. You have every right to your privacy and a  peaceful and happy life. If you don’t know the person, don’t accept the request.

No contact is not.

1. Ignoring and blocking for a few days in the hopes they’ll see your point of view and take on board your thoughts and feelings, then have a personality transplant and genuinely love and care for you, they have a disorder, it’s who they are, it did not start with you, it will not end with you, when they are repeatedly cruel, hurtful and destructive, then play nice, they play nice because they want something from you, not because they have changed, those mistakes they keep making is who they are, they don’t want to nor will they change, real change is changed behaviour which they can not do on a permanent basis as they don’t believe they are the problem, lacking in those cognitive reflection skills.

2. leaving it open for them to contact you, and you just decide if you want to react or not, you need to block and delete of everything.

3. leaving them on your social media to show them how happy your new life is, or unblocking them.

4. giving their friends or family information about you, or what’s happening, in the hope they’ll talk sense to the narcissist, even if they believed you over them, they will not be able to talk sense into a narcissist.

So some ways they might try to suck you back into what seems like their never ending games, yet these games can end with you, when you stop playing and start living for you, and why no contact is vital.

Unwittingly during the relationship the narcissist learned all they needed to about you, they know all your weaknesses and your insecurities and they’re going to now use each and everyone against you to bring you down. They know your emotional triggers, your pain and your fears and they will use them against you.

When a narcissist wants you back or wants revenge, they will throw all they can at you. You’ve gone into your new life wise and strong you no longer want them, you know you need to heal from trauma bonding, CPTSD, anxiety and you’re working so hard to do so, then come messages, even when blocked they find a way.

When they come at you, if they start nice you might think back to. “If only if done this or not that.”

You might still be weaning yourself of them like the come down from a highly addictive drug. The more games they throw, the more you mind gets stuck in the past with them, do they miss me? To what are they going to do next?

If you’ve broken up before and tried to stay free you might notice they have a pattern of tantrums they go around, the more you go no contact and don’t respond, the more some will escalate, once they have tried them all the might circle back to the start.

Some are lazy and will leave you alone for the most part, some will have plenty of other sources and just go all out to hurt you. It all depends on the narcissist you were tangled up with.

Some will play the waiting game, as most often throughout the relationship, the narcissist will have manipulated through the silent treatment, and as they feel entitled and above all others, they will have learned that you are the one to give in, reach out and fix things, so most will wait it out, they do hate being ignored though, so if they’ve not got someone else feeding them attention, they might try these sooner rather than later, some can be years down the line.

A narcissist feeds of excitement and control,

Ways they get to you.

1. Opening a conversation up, They might send you a message about a memory of a great time you had together, to bring up the good, to pull on your heartstrings, with an “I miss you, we were good together” and the rest, you do your best to not respond and they will up it to, the fact they have never felt this way about anyone before, now part of you might be pleased that the shoe is finally on the other foot, yet it also confuses you and makes you start to believe perhaps they do care, yet still you do not respond. They might keep going and at some point, you could respond with a simple “we are over.” Or give an explanation as you’re feeling bad not responding, then the narcissist has what the wanted to contact, you might then get more pity plays off. “I can not live without you.” “You said you’d always love me.” “I need you and want us back together.” This potentially can open your heart more and you might respond more in-depth giving away the fact you did love them but they’ve hurt you so much, the narcissist will love this. Now they will try to open up a full conversation with you, and you’ve been sucked straight back into the vortex of doom and gloom.

If memory doesn’t work they might go for the pity play, some will even fake illnesses within themselves or the children, they might try jealousy, they will try and try until they find something that gets your attention.

Write down the abuse and the bad things that happened to you within the relationship. Every time you start to doubt yourself and think of responding, look at it and remember just how manipulative they are. If you break no contact or start to respond, just stop responding and start no contact again. Don’t focus on the slip-up, focus on you will succeed this time.

2. Announce they ended the relationship. You will have most likely spit up a few times in the past, if this time was your choice to end it, you might notice that the narcissist is telling people it was them to leave you and how crazy you are. Facebook status changing, people telling you things they are saying, and it can hurt, yet more lies. Your abandonment issues might kick in.

Stop and refocus, don’t go trying to make your point. you know the truth, we don’t need to be tit for tat on who Finished with who, yes it knocks out that sense of pride and ego that you finally made it out, but all you need to focus on is the main fact that you are out, what others think or believe is not for you, know your own truth. And focus on the fact that you are now free, don’t get drawn into the battle of who ended with who, focus on you’re out.

3. The emergency. They might come to you with an emergency again pulling your empathy of wanting to help people, they might claim to have an illness knowing you’ll want to help and feel bad for not doing so.

Remember first this is possibly a complete lie, second, if it’s true, you can not help them, you’ve tried too many times before and it will only ever hurt you, they’ll get help if they need it. Ask yourself. How many times has that person truly helped me with good intentions? Work on you and leave them to it, do not get drawn into the games. When a narcissist promises change, they will change just long enough to suck you back in, then once you are back in, they will punish you for making them seek therapy as in their minds it’s all your fault. They do not change, only their lies, their manipulation or their partner, never themselves.

4. Abuse by proxy, damaging property, smearing your name, having flying monkeys or enablers come at you, dragging you through the court. Changing passwords on your social media. Hurting those you love, threats, financial abuse again through courts or stealing from you, stalking you, hurting you and trying to destroy you any way they can. They want to punish you for walking free, also as they project and believe in their reality that what they did to you, you did to them they want revenge. If you’ve had to take the children no contact because they are not safe around the narcissist, the narcissist will blame you to all others, if you’ll not let them pick children up when it suits and ignore children when it suits, they will blame you as to why they don’t have them. They are never accountable or responsible, to them the faults within themselves and their lives are always someone else fault. They want your attention, a lot enjoy the court system as they can be the star of the show and remind themselves that they still exist to you.

If it’s court and the clown wants to drag you to the circus, prepare and learn to become the ringmaster, focus on the outcome you need and get as much support and backing as you can, get rest and take care of yourself. Pull away when you get drawn in, heal any wounds, look at your true reality and beliefs, look for the opportunities, for example if it’s divorce focus on what rightfully yours and stand firm, children if you had a belief that children should always see the other parent, focus on the fact that’s only the case if the other parent is safe, look for the positives on how well the children are doing without them, how the children anxiety and attachment is healing, look at it as the last bit of the puzzle and finally getting closure, they are not looking for compromise they are looking to win, write the outcome you want and go all out to get it. If they are smearing your name leave them to it, focus on you, don’t get drawn into the battle the truth will our far quicker. Write down any triggers and heal them within.

5. The new relationship. Most move on fast with a new person, often making sure you know, some will even move in with someone close to where you live. If they believe they are losing control over you, they’ll have a backup or three waiting. They will go all out to flaunt this to you, to try and cause your pain and trauma, they will be looking like the happiest loved up a couple you ever met, to leave you questioning what was wrong with me? Where’s my dream gone? What’s so special about them? They might move them into your home? Playing happy families with your children?

Don’t try to get into a new relationship fast yourself it will only hurt you more. Don’t try to warn the new, they are being sold the dream they’ll not listen to you, if they come to you when it becomes their nightmare you can help, other than that stay out of it, you need to heal you, so outside situations no longer affect you on the inside. Cry it out, scream it out, know the narcissist is only doing to them what they did to you and work on loving who you are.

6. Leaving belongings behind or keeping yours as a way of staying in touch with you.

If they are yours try to get someone else to get them, if at all possible let them go and move on, if it’s theirs, return them, remove from your home and give them back, leave at their home and take a photo and send, or deliver to a friend of theirs.

7. Making contact about random things, asking about unimportant random things.

Ignore ignore ignore.

8. They will change. They might promise change, offer a long deep conversation and offer to see councillors, work on their issues, get themselves help and want your support, they are pulling you in on your empathy towards others. It can be hard to resist as it goes against your nature.

don’t fall for their manipulation and lies You need to heal you, remember how many other times they’ve promised a change to only cause you more pain. focus on the fact you can not help them, you’ve tried so many times to just get further hurt if they want to go get help, it’s none of your business leave them to it and focus on helping yourself.

It did not start with you and it will not end with you.

9. They might get with your new partners’ ex to play games, especially if you all have children.

Try to avoid them finding out about your new life in the first place, if they do this, then there will be a storm you have to ride out until the narcissist gets fed up and leaves them for someone new.

Get a good support network in place, people who understand what you’ve been through, get reality checks from good people if you are struggling to give them yourself.

If you can ignore all attempts for communication if the children still see them, limited contact and are extremely boring.

Unfollow on social media, they will post things to trigger you.

Be careful about mutual friends, it’s hard but you might need to remove some from your life.

Stick with no contact, stick to observe don’t absorb if you can not go no contact, go grey rock, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so. Keep working on who you are, creating new routines and new dreams for you.

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Anger and resentment.

Grey Rock

How to leave.

Why they always think they are right.

Why the can not compromise.

Human needs

A Narcissist And Their Children.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Sadly a narcissist will use their own children, there are lots of ways they do this as you might already know, they know how much those children mean to you. So they’ll happily use them to manipulate you, to hurt you and upset you any way they can. Which also hurts the children. First learn not let the narcissist know it has bothered you, they know the children are what you will most passionately stick up for and defend, why they play these hideous games with their own children, and it’s extremely hard at first not to react, they might up their games when they don’t get reactions from you. They may find someone else to hurt. Stick with no reaction it gets easier once we understand that’s all they want and start to focus less on them and their games, and focus more on ourselves and our children. So why do they have children? Parental alienation, what affects they have on children, what they see children as, some of the manipulations they do, and what can you do to protect yourself and the children?

Why does a narcissist have children?

Narcissists like to repackage their shame as a false dream.

Having a child to a narcissist is a

1. A self-serving illusion.

2. A feel-good redemption story about themselves.

3. Recasting themselves into victim mode, when the other parent will not let them see the child or, hero mode as they saved the child from the crazy parent.

4. Creates, for a short time a distance of fundamental brokenness within themselves, this can not last for them as they can not heal their inner selves.

5. Partners often stay way longer than they should, because of the beliefs about a child’s family unit.

6. Good men and Good women then find it harder to leave as they want children to have both parents.

7. They can try to use the children in any way they can to keep control of the other parent.

They believe and do Behave as they want to. They happily Ignoring rules and don’t believe they have to abide by them. They will never accept blame Rarely apologising they only time they will offer a false apology is if they want something from you or they are hoovering you. They will not help in any scenario be it work or home. They love Making promises and then breaking promises and agreements Failing to pay in respect of obligations such as bills, They have grand ideas and make great plans with you and the children but rarely act on these often blaming you or denying making these arrangements. Repeatedly lying to maintain the avoidance of accountability Of those challenging them. The only way to beat them is to remove them from your life. This is rather impossible when it comes to having children together.

Parental alienation.

now this is Most commonly know as one parent not letting the other parent see the child, which yes I agree narcissistic mums and narcissistic dads can do this as a weapon, unfortunately then a lot of good mums, and good dads that have woken from the spell a narcissists put them under and sees the damage caused to a child’s mind gets accused of alienation when they are trying to protect, often the children have anxiety or depression and this is usually blamed on the parent who is alienating, now if the parent who is alienating is toxic this could be true, most often though once the child no longer sees the narcissist and the parent recovers children do so much better. Sam Vaknin, claims children should not be around these people.

Yes someone without empathy is or can be extremely dangerous, a true narcissist can be extremely dangerous, not only mentally but also physically, so follow whatever you believe is in the best interest of your child, if you think Contact is unsafe, it’s unsafe. It’s on a spectrum though so, be careful which way you go.

Good mums and dads often feel extreme guilt, cutting contact, even though they know it’s best, it’s hard to do, and especially when others do not see. A child is better off with good parents, they are not better with an abusive parent. I shall add a link at the bottom for overcoming guilt.

Now men and women can up and leave their children, then claim they didn’t, they only left the child’s mum or dad, often a narcissist has jumped straight into a new relationship and expects children to adapt, this isn’t true children don’t simply adapt, children hurt and question what they did, for there mum or dad to leave, they question what they could change about their own behaviour, so that mummy or daddy would live with them, children have to heal from the trauma and the pain also, young or old, we are all human with thoughts emotions and feelings, as the child’s parent who was left hurts so does the child, now if you’ve been Abused you need to leave and do whatever you can to leave with the children, if you’re a man or a women and you leave the family home for a new family, you left your children, for a new partner and the children feel this they both feel abandoned, yes good people do make this mistake, those good people tend to see and wish they’ ed done it differently afterwards, so just because a man or a woman leaves, it doesn’t make them a narcissist, if they were abusive too mentally or physically, they most likely are.

Relationships can break down, those with empathy will do their best to damage control, and do their best for all parties feelings to be hurt as little as possible, and to support everyone through, those without empathy will not care for how the parent or child feels as they have no empathy to genuinely care, they will run mass smear campaigns and do all they can to keep twisting the knife in the healthy parents back, to make them look unhinged and like the bad one, the crazy one, they will play the victim or the hero, but never the villain.

To me there is paternal alienation and maternal alienation, when the other parent wasn’t abusive, yet the narcissists are no longer allowing the children to see them or talking toxic negative words to the children, to alienate and distort the child’s mind, to divide and conquer, with no care or thought to the affects it has on the child’s mental health, someone who’s abusive often has little to no empathy, therefore they will not put children’s needs first, yes if your been abused, leaving is putting you and your children first, if two healthy separate they will still try to support each other for the children to learn how people treat people, yes to start might be hard especially if one didn’t want it to end, they will eventually find a. way.

Emotional and phycological damage that the narcissistic parent causes their own child, It is horrendous, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching and overwhelming, it’s unbearable at times for the parent trying to do their best for themselves and the children.

What narcissistic parents see children as and the problems they cause.

Narcissistic parents, see their children as a possession, and most will plot and plan any way they can to get control of their children’s minds.

The narcissist sees all others as an extension of themselves including their own children.

If the children are seen as attractive to the narcissist or have a gift (all children are gifted.) but a gift that the narcissist values, that the narcissist can use to make themselves look better.

Narcissists actually believe that they are an excellent parent, those that stick around to counter-parent, they don’t see how the let downs or the negative talk has negative effects on the child, they really believe they are a great parent. They believe the other parent is at fault. Their lack in cognitive reflection, and lack in guilt or remorse, means they never see any part they played and most genuine believe the other parent is at fault, so if you’ve ever questioned yourself, have empathy to care for others, find it difficult to understand what the best thing to do, then when you follow your instincts feel guilty, you are not the narcissist, I’ll link the removing guilt and what is not a narcissist at the bottom for more information.

Narcissists will go all out in the smear campaign to all those around them, including the children, about the healthy parent. Some of these parents are isolated from friends and family, because of the narcissist, making it even tougher.

The narcissist will step up their games, through the children, through mediation and through family court, in order to win the children at all costs.

The narcissist will blame the normal parent for the relationship to break down to the child.

The Narcissists wants the child to doubt the other parent so the child goes to the narcissist for a reality check.

The narcissist might just say straight out, “your parent is mean.” Or “they are lazy.” Or “you don’t have to listen to their regimented rules live with me.” They will repeat these things, to get the seeds of doubt and the thoughts planted to remain in the children’s heads. They will Gaslight their own children.

They may play inappropriate songs on repeat to the children.

They may threaten or phone social services, child protection on the healthy parent.

They will often give the children no boundaries or rules, telling the children. “I know it’s boring with your other parent, I’ll make it exciting when you back with me.”

If the child mentions the other parent to the narcissist, the narcissist will shut the child down, “we don’t need to discuss that.” Or that’s not important.” Or the might just roll their eyes at the child.

If the children choose to spend to much time with the healthy parent the narcissist will use silent treatment on the child, to make the child feel bad.

Affects on the children.

Narcissist parents traits v’s what they cause within children things like.

Attachment: trauma within the child, as they never feel truly validated.

Grandiosity: The child feels like they can never measure up.

Entitlement: The child often feels unimportant, and uncomfortable.

Vanity: The child feels like a trophy.

Selfishness: The child needs are often ignored.

No empathy: The child feels misunderstood, fear of not doing things the narcissist’s way.

Competition: The child feels like they can not measure up.

Manipulation: The child walks on eggshells.

Children can learn they have to be a certain way, to get affection from the narcissist. The children can then feel and learn they have to lie about certain things or keep secrets about things. The children can develop anxieties and depression, may self-harm, struggle with their emotions. The child may then learn to play the parents off against each other, as they grow older. They can struggle through adulthood, if it’s not dealt with correctly In childhood, they may struggle to regulate their emotions.

They do find children an inconvenience a lot of the time, so they’ll either never see the children, yet all blame will be laid at the other parent’s door for not allowing them to see them. They use them for their own gains of the grand story’s they tell others about what a great parent they are, how amazing the children are. They will pick them up when convenient or needed and drop them when not, they will happily with no shame use them to get their next partner drawn into the lies. by showing others what a great parent they are but these people only get a glimpse, plus narcissists are great storytellers and liars to others, they are so great because they often believe themselves. The link at the bottom about why they believe their own lies. If you have more than one child narcissist will usually have one as the golden child, the golden child usually, naturally conforms to the narcissist demands, they are still affected as when they don’t conform, they receive cruelty, criticism and silent treatment, until they learn how not to go against the parent, they give up their authentic self to please the parent this can lead for an already very shy, quiet, scared individual to be extremely confused. Not trusting others yet trusting the narcissist parent whilst questioning everything and everyone in the world.

The scapegoat child is usually more strong-willed and willing to challenge the narcissist parent, which angers the parent, they receive the same, cruelty, criticism and silent treatment as the golden child yet more often. Because the scapegoat is constantly blamed in childhood, because they have more adversity in childhood, they often find the inner strength a lot sooner, this inner strength often helps them distance themselves from the parent a lot sooner. Link about scapegoat children at the bottom.

The narcissist will teach the child to question themselves about themselves and about you, so avoid white lies. Think before you speak and try to always stick to your word, something a narcissist struggles with. Explain your actions if they differed to your words.

Parenting with a narcissist.

Sometimes you can parallel parent, hold your head high, do the children’s handovers meeting together, ignore the narcissist’s toxic words. If possible have someone present on child handovers, even recording what’s said and done.

Sometimes other safeguarding issues are in place, so you have to drop off and collect children in a busy place.

Sometimes, bigger safeguarding issue arises, where the children have to visit the other parent with a safe person always around.

Sometimes, safeguarding issues are that big they can only see the other parent in a contact centre.

Sometimes the safeguarding issues are that big, the children simply can not see the other parent as it’s too dangerous.

Then the extreme cases where you have to move miles away.

Whichever contact or no contact you and the children have with the other parent is fine as although all narcissist have similar traits, they all have different levels of manipulation and violence.

Whatever your personal situation, keep as much as possible in writing from the start, In case the children need to see this when they are older, be prepared for an upsetting deep heart to heart with the children when they ask, just give age-appropriate answers.

One thing that is the same in all of these situations, is the narcissist will never see it as being a problem caused by them, they will lay all the blame on you. They will twist it all around on you, to your face and behind your back.

Limited contact within a routine, the less time they spend with the narcissist, the more time the children’s brain can think clearly for themselves. Routine. Exact day of the week. every week. Or same evening if it’s a Monday stick with Monday every week. Exact time allowing for traffic delays. If the narcissist is a no show that is the narcissist’s problem and is, in fact, a blessing on your children. If they don’t arrive at time arranged tough that again is the narcissist problem. You’re doing nothing wrong. In fact stability and routine is a must for children with a narcissistic parent. It’s hard with everything that the narcissist is throwing at you and your children. Just remember, one word answers towards the narcissist with no emotion if they ask to pick up another day if it suits you and the children then say yes, if not it’s a “no” and if they tell you ” the children are here on days arranged.” Or “you are keeping my child from me” if you must respond using their own words against them, it confuses them when you don’t react. “ that’s interesting “ or “ sorry you feel that way” or “ why would you think that” if you have to re-answer. Stick with these same answers. The narcissist hates routine and loves messing everyone around. no need to explain yourself more than once to the narcissist as you’ve more than likely done this countless times and it’s all fallen on deaf ears. With their cognitive Distortions, I shall link this at the bottom to explain more. They will twist things around and try to take you off-topic, so explain once and leave it. After giving them chance after chance to pick up the children on their days. From time to time they may act like they love and care about the children. This is only if it’s to the narcissist advantage. Don’t be fooled they do not change and they always resort back to their manipulative ways. The narcissist only loves and cares for themselves. Instead of wasting your breath on the narcissist. Turn it into a positive with your children. Yes, this is hard but it can be achieved. Link about why they argue at the bottom.

You may find they want to start doing the school run, with a narcissist this will be so they can get into a relationship with one of the other parents up there. Worse the teacher. The narcissist is always looking at what they can gain control over with no thought to how it affects others.

Remember the narcissist is looking to win the child round at the moment. You need to look at the end game. They may have made the children say stuff to you like “ it’s all your fault” or the children may blame themselves. simply let the children know “ it’s not mummy’s fault, it’s not daddy’s fault and it’s definitely not your fault sometimes in life things don’t work out. So look for the positive and move forward.” Re-enforce that whenever needed. Find that positive and tell them one which can be hard and you might have to say it through gritted teeth.

If the narcissist has moved in with someone new and the children are finding it hard say things like “ you don’t have to like them straight away, you don’t have to like or love them even if you don’t want to, but you must respect the new persons.” And perhaps “ it’s ok you’ve just got more people to love you and look out for you” Or “ just show respect if nothing else. It’s hard now but you may grow to really like them. If not when you are older it’s your choice too if you spend time with them” it’s all about you being positive at the moment with everything you say and do with your children. Making sure your actions match your words. As children listen to both, as they grow, they will see for themselves. That because you’ve to surround them with positive, love and care. Something the narcissist cannot do. They will know who was truly around for them and it will be ok. You may have lost something in the moment with what the narcissist had said but you and your child will win in the end. Do not slate the narcissist to the child, the child will be dealing with enough of this from the narcissist.

For you if they did straight in with someone new, it can hit your emotions hard and this is normal, remember no one falls in love faster than a narcissist that needs somewhere to live, this is not love, this is using people for their own gain. It can be extremely hurtful and hard on you at first if the children come home really liking the new partner, Remember no one can replace you, the children love you, think of it that they have more people to love them and hopefully one good role model when they are with the narcissist.

They will talk to the children In Very manipulative ways, asking questing about you, planting seeds. The children will often come back different and Throw everything at you. They may be stressed or agitated. This is actually a Positive. No, not that your children are acting that way. But look for the positive, your children feel safe, secure and loved enough with you to let it all out. Let them let it all out. They need to get it out “ ask what’s bothering them” let them know if they don’t want to talk now it’s ok. do not put your words into the children’s heads, this can be hard and frustrating, as the narcissist is doing this to them, they need to learn they have one parent that will listen and they don’t doubt that reliable parent. Then find something to bring them back out of that mindset, watch something funny, read a funny book etc. Whatever you and your children enjoy.

You need to accept that right now your child might not be able to see who you are clearly and who the other parent is. Just love them accept them and be there for them. It will slowly become clearer to them. The truth always out itself. As you know from being in a relationship with a narcissist it just takes time.

Limited contact is the best approach. If safeguarding is too big, no contact.

The narcissist may suddenly get involved with what school the child goes to, yes look into the school don’t just say no because it’s what the narcissist wants. If you’ve already looked into the school and don’t like it. Then yes it’s a no. If not go in with an open mind. You know and care about your child you know what’s suitable. They do not. So stick with your choice. They may want their children to do activities with them. I believe that’s good as they can not directly speak one on one, whilst at the activity. Although they might use these to put the children down when they don’t play how the Narcissist wanted them to. All because this is an embarrassment to the narcissist, The only way for you to counteract this is by making sure you also take them. ( not you and the narcissist take together, you take one week the narcissist the next, or they do an activity on a Monday, you do one on a Friday. When you take them. Tell them how proud you are. Really lift their spirits when you go. Do not mention if they play bad, because of the narcissist the child might mention it to you then go with “ oh I didn’t notice that because of how well you did this, well if you think you made a mistake that’s fine we all make them don’t worry about it for too long, instead think what you could do within yourself to improve you for you. Could you practice more? I think you did amazing and it’s great quality and to know your own strengths and weaknesses. Just make sure you remember what you did well, and don’t let others put you down for what you didn’t do so well. That’s for you and you only to work on”

If you going away with the child or days out. The narcissist will resent this as they are trying to stop you having anything fun in your life. They might say to the child things like “ you can not go on holiday and leave me I’ll be lonely. Why don’t you tell the other parent you don’t want to go” I’ve had something along those lines. What I’ve learnt is don’t tell them. Don’t let them know just do it or tell them once you know the child will not see them again before you go “ booked a holiday we go in Sunday so kids will not be with you this Monday” leave it there. The kids will travel with a clear head and enjoy.

Keep all communication via email or messages.

If they drag you to mediation or court, this is why it’s vital you do as much communication about contact via messenger or email. Including the ones where you explained why and given them chances. Because the first thing they do is twist everything they do onto you. Then you can simply hand over the written evidence and watch the narcissist squirm. This is great if you’re finding communication too difficult.

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Also, remain calm and polite in your response, remember when you use these as evidence they’ll look at both sides of those messages. Don’t panic most of us have sent some reaction ones, now is the time to learn not to react and to just respond.

your children. Children can and will thrive with the unconditional love of one stable parent. Eventually, they will grow up and know the difference between a narcissistic personality and other personality’s, surround yourself and your children with as many positive people as you can to counteract the mental abuse.

how to help yourself.

One strong, happy, safe, loving parent is enough for your children to grow up happy and secure.

Working on a happier you, your self-love and your self-esteem each and every day, focus on where you’d like to be one year from now and take those steps to make your new dreams your new reality.

Keep everything recorded, for when the children are old enough to understand. Stick to facts. Do not fight fire with fire. Put it out by blaming no one to your child. Explain it’s no one person fault. Things happen and people just don’t get on all the time. You’re the child we realise this is the own time.

Try to keep your mind busy, If they see the other parent or not. try new things with your children. Stay positive stay happy.

Stick with your boundaries, narcissists love to take these down, stick to them.

Call authorities each and every time they threaten you, get restraining orders, non molestation orders

If they don’t see the other parent, and you don’t have much family around, join support groups, join toddler groups, connect with other for you and your children, if they are older, dancing or martial arts, tennis, football, soccer, hockey, team sports are good so they can make new friends, as can you with other parents.

If possible try to find time for yourself to relax or do the things you love to do for you.

They to get enough rest and sleep.

Find your sense of humour, truly it helps.

Find support, friends, family members, people who’ve lived it.

Key points.

A narcissist only ever puts themselves first.

Some are dangerous, be careful.

Boundaries and routine are best, stick to them. That can be very hard when dealing with idiots and you might like most have your moments of taking a step backwards, just go again.

When they come at you, hang up the phone, close the door. Saying No. do not let them in your home, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so.

keep communication by, messages or email.

Also as the children get older, if they need to see if they can.

Teach your children to put themselves in other’s shoes, and teach them empathy.

Teach them if something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

Focus on creating a new happier life for you and your children, take the steps each day, you can and you will.

Get as much support from those around you, as you possibly can, get child psychologist in for the children if needed, keep communication via messages and email means. If they take you to mediation or court, you have written evidence. Do not let the ex know you have. keep a backup record if needed. Records need to be kept, excellent ones and consistent, with dates and times, the good if there is any and the bad.

why they always think they are right.

Cognitive reflection.

Overcoming guilt.

Why they argue.

Lies

Scapegoat and golden child

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