Reactive Abuse, The Narcissist And Our Reactions.

“Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so. “

Even the best of people have their own limits. Those who are good, kind, generous, loyal, loving people have their limitations. We are human, after all. When people chip away at you, push all your buttons, use all your insecurities and weaknesses against you, send you into a state of fear, anxiety and depression, most people react to try and release all the stress, heartache, pain and emotional build-up, only this then ends up with us feeling worse, as we are left feeling like we are to blame, guilty, and more lost from who we indeed are.Definition of reactive abuse. Reactive abuse happens when someone who’s been abused, mind games or controlled, either physically or psychologically, reacts to their abuser, standing up for themselves, either by screaming, shouting, slapping, spitting, throwing things, either throwing insults with the words or lashing out physically. That’s all the abuser needs to then blame it all on the one they’ve been provoking. Why do narcissists use it?

A narcissist will provoke you to get a reaction from you so that they can blame it all on you.

From their reactions, the real victims often then believe they are at fault, the narcissist will only ever tell their side of the story to others in the smear campaign, the one where you looked bad, what you did to them, what you said to them, they’ll not tell people the lead up to what happened, it’s just further manipulation for the narcissist to play the woe is me, victim, to those around them and make you feel like your in the wrong and need to apologise. Abusers love the reactive abuse as it’s proof in their minds that the person who reacted is unstable and crazy, that the one who’s reacted is mentally ill, they will use it against you for years to come, narcissistic people rewrite their own history, they change the stories they tell themselves, they are never accountable, they say so many lies they often believe their own lies and reality, and they will use reactive abuse against you for years to come. They have been known to.

  • Install cameras in the home, and edit footage.
  • Film reactions and show others.
  • Edit their messages out and show others.
  • Call the family to come help calm you down.
  • Call friends to come and help.
  • Give you the silent treatment before a special occasion, then when you arrive, they are good, and you look grumpy.
  • Threaten you.
  • Take people to the doctors to get you on antidepressants.
  • Call the police.

At the start, it’s often the innocent party who usually makes excuses for the narcissist’s behaviour and is often left blaming themselves. A narcissist might do this but in another twisted, manipulative way. Where the actual victim might say, In the beginning, “If I’d have not done this, then they wouldn’t have done that.” Or “They are tired.” Things like. “I’ve not been at my best.” A narcissist will say. “I did all I could. They just abused me.” Or “I tried to help. They are crazy.” A narcissist will always play the victim or the hero, yet never the villain for years to come. Ways they will cause reactive abuse? First, they bait, they provoke, then they gaslight, project and, blame shift. They will bait. Baiting is used by a narcissist to provoke an emotional response from us so that they can have the power over our emotions, and ultimately, over our thinking so that they can further their control over us. Baiting is used to make people feel:-

  • Scared.
  • Guilty.
  • Responsible.
  • Anxious.
  • Hopeful.

Which makes it easier for the narcissist to manipulate them further. They will provoke, prod and chip away at you.

  • They will start an argument out of fresh air.
  • Say backhanded insults.
  • Use your insecurities against you.
  • Ignore you.
  • Lie to you.
  • Change events on you.
  • Triangulation with other people.
  • Say obvious hurtful things.
  • Say subtle hurtful things.
  • Upset the children.
  • Upset you any way they can.
  • Threaten you.
  • Threaten family and friends.

Then when you get upset, they will escalate the situation until you snap. You’re then left feeling bad for lashing out, saying hurtful things, being angry, and you apologise and do your best to make it up to them. Even though you know your reactions were wrong, you end up blaming it all on you, not paying attention to the part they played. We can not control what they say or do. Even when the relationships are over, we can, however, learn to control our reactions. They trick you into it. The worst part is, your reactions are your reactions, fooled or not, and we have to own up and take responsibility for our own actions as that’s something they are incapable of and one of the many things that separate us from them. Who started what is irrelevant? If you are with someone who brings out the worst in you (even the most caring people have a breaking point.), a narcissist will argue with anyone and everyone, if you’re behaving out of character around certain people, if they bring out a side you don’t like about yourself, it’s time to break free. They will trick you into reacting so you are fully aware you are not perfect. ( no one is.) They will threaten to tell others that you are not happy with your own behaviour as it’s not like you. They know you feel worse about yourself; they wear you down slowly over time, so you no longer feel good enough. You lose your integrity and stay trapped in the cycle of abuse. Gaslighting is an insidious form of psychological manipulation where the abuser gets the target to question their own reality and sanity, and they will gaslight you with things like. “You’re just insecure.” If you think they are cheating. “I was only joking.” They were not, but to escape accountability and pin the blame on you. “It didn’t happen like that.” It did, but they want you to forget what they did. “You’re losing your mind.” Again so you think you’re going crazy and blame it all on yourself. “I never did that.” They did. They just want that part wiping from your memory. Projection is a defensive mechanism commonly used by abusers. They are defending themselves against unconscious traits, beliefs, actions to escape accountability. It’s a combination of blame-shifting and gaslighting, distracting the target from what is really happening while getting the target to blame themselves. Things like. “You started it, accusing me, then who knows what you’ve been up to.” or. “If you didn’t talk down to me, you’re always having a dig at me.” Blame shifting is when the narcissist has done something wrong. Then they dump all the blame onto the target to avoid any feelings of remorse or shame, also to escape accountability. They will play the victim, downplaying or avoiding what they did and making what you did to be far worse. They bring up your tone of voice, or how you spoke down to them, as they know you have a caring, emphatic side, they will guilt trip or pity play, there could be the accusations, covert ” If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” To the overt ” You hit me, you abused me. I did nothing wrong.” After provoking a reaction from you, where you’d like to communicate with them, some will go into the silent treatment, either the one where they stick around ( the present silent treatment.) or where they disappear, they want you to beg and plead for forgiveness, Silent Treatment is psychological torture, and causes great pain to the brain, you’re left looking to yourself as to what you did wrong, how you can make it up to them, and when you do, they’ll bring back the intermittent niceness as a reinforcement to your mind, that you were wrong. They were right, leaving them to believe their realities and you questioning yours. This all leads to cognitive dissonance. The target ends up full of self-blame, self-doubt, feeling like they are the narcissist, feeling unworthy, feeling grateful, that the narcissist who’s a bully and a con artist will take you back, changing who you are time and time again to please them, trying to help them while you slowly lose who you are. When you can see different realities, one that matches your beliefs and another that is continuously being rewritten on you, it’s hard to see it while you are living it. It takes time to work it out once you break free. Suppose you’re still with or around someone who brings out the worst in you when you think. “This isn’t me, and this isn’t how I behave.” That’s when you have to take note of the people you are surrounding yourself with and change something when you’re not true to yourself when you are constantly questioning yourself. Your own integrity, this is what narcissistic people want, they want you to be confused, to feel like you’re going crazy, to keep you out of reality and in their reality, unfortunately, most become in such a trace that by the time they start to wake up, they are trauma bonded, scared, or don’t have the means to leave, plenty have left scared, got out safely, left with nothing and are living much happier lives, it’s all taking that first step, make a choice for you, for your health, wealth and happiness, change one thing at a time, and it’ll change everything for you. What can you do? If you can no contact, get out safely and go no contact. If you are still with them, or for whatever reason can not go any contact, have children with them? Is a boss? (If you can change job, do.) or would mean cutting other family members out, respond do not react. The best method is the three R’s, Retreat, Rethink, respond, and only respond if you really need to, keep response to the point, say it once and do not let them take you off-topic, avoid being alone around them, avoid spending too much time around them. Stop the blame game, and it’s the past it’s irrelevant now, blaming keeps it in the present, you need to focus on the here and now and create new visions and dreams for you, holding onto anger and resentment, guilt, pain, regret, will only harm your future, let it all go, for no one else other than you. Learning all about the disorder, who they are, why they do what they do, gives you a better understanding of healing and how to handle ones in your life on the low end of the spectrum, also how to avoid them in the future, you also need to focus on building your life back up, to who you want to be, and how you want to live.

For more information about how narcissists provoke reactions, click here.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Facing The Fear And Safely Leaving A Narcissist.

If you are still in the relationship.

Suppose you are starting to realise that something isn’t right within your relationship. Some behaviours you’ve accepted as normal and adjusted who you are and your life to suit them. Or never really truly knew who you were.

The reality of the life you’ve been living and the reality that you can make it better have you now thinking. “I must break free, but how do I break free?”

These thoughts can keep you entangled with a narcissist for years, and it’s all about how the narcissist has managed to take control of you through putting that fear into you.

A little bit of fear is healthy in day to day life. Rational fear actually helps you instinctively protect yourself from harm. With a narcissist, they have manipulated and programmed your mind through threats, anger, rage, taking away your self-esteem through gaslighting, blame-shifting and projection. Getting you to question your actions and your motives.

To face reality, we have to understand when breaking free from narcissistic people, and there will not be one or two obstacles to set yourself free. There is many. You are not alone in this. Just focus on the first steps to getting out.

So now is the time to break down those obstacles fear is putting in your way, how they control you through fear and actions you can take to break free.

What makes the narcissist want to manipulate and control you?

Those on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, as you might be aware by now, feel entitled, superior, envious, and need attention, to dominate and be in control by exploiting others. To name a few, and they use many tactics, traits and manipulation to achieve this, they use a pattern of idealisation, devalue, discard, hoover.

They wear a false mask most of the time as they use others to fabricate a false sense of self. They need this false self to avoid taking responsibility and avoid their actual reality, which is that they themselves and their own lives are out of control, they are flawed, they don’t have genuine connections with others, they don’t feel loved, and they have extremely low levels of empathy with some having no understanding.

To keep control of their own lives and their false reality, they need targets to use as supply to validate their false selves. This is an addiction to them. This is how they fill their human needs of love and connection, certainty, uncertainty, contribution, significance and growth. They negatively do them all. Therefore, they never truly grow, only temporarily then they are back at the start, trying to run from the shame and not get found out for who they indeed are.

They idealise people to start, they mirror you, manipulate you into believing you’ve found the one, you then shower them with positivity, and they return this often in grand amounts. This is how they start your addiction to them.

They devalue people when they realise you are not perfect at taking care of their every want and need, that they themselves don’t understand what they want and need. They take manipulation to a different level to remain in control over you. They don’t care for positive or negative attention, just attention, so they feel superior, protecting their false selves.

The best revenge on a narcissist and the best healing for you, without causing harm to others, is to cut off your supply of emotions and attention. Leave them to themselves and focus on your own life.

They will discard people often in cruel ways when they no longer feel a need for that person, often coming back for the hoover to take back their control.

Fear is one of the biggest reasons people stay trapped in a narcissistic relationship of any kind. How do they do this?

As the narcissist’s abuse continues to be physically, psychological, emotional, mental and also sexual. You might start to realise something isn’t right and begin to resist. The narcissist might then offer intermittent reinforcement and play nice, blame shift and project, so you look inwards, blame yourself and work harder to please. Making you question the abuse and. “If only I didn’t, they wouldn’t.” Mindset.

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED, you were never the problem, and you should have never been treated this way.

The more you resist, the more they’ll use their manipulation tactics. They’ll escalate it further, including threats of. Harming you, harming those around you, or no one will love you, who’d want you? You’re crazy. No one will believe you.

This is untrue, and you need to reprogram your mind that you most certainly are not crazy, you are more than lovable, and people will believe you.

Our survivor instincts are, fight, flight, freeze or fawn, yet when we fight back with these kinds of people, it’s always turned around in a manipulative way to be our fault, and we get punished, when we take flight, we are made to feel guilty, they pull out all the charm, and with the trauma bond, we get sucked straight back in. So most of us go for freeze and stay clinging on to the hope we can change. We can help when they come with the pity plays. And then fawn, and we submit all our beliefs, opinions, values and boundaries over to them. It might seem like the easy option, yet as you most likely know, giving up on yourself, hopes, dreams, and vision. To suit someone who’s unable and unwilling to have their own, to love and care for you makes your life hard. It is not an easy option.

You end up stuck and trapped in fear of do I stay and be miserable or do I go. Some of the fears of leaving are.

  • What they might do to you.
  • Loss of family life.
  • Loss of children.
  • Fear of judgment from others.
  • Loss of employment, any friends or family you have left through the narcissists smear campaigns.
  • Financial hardship.
  • Loss of home.
  • Escalated violence and the games they play.
  • The fear of no longer knowing who you are and reality.
  • You’ve been fed lies that you’re not good enough, and your subconscious believes the narcissist’s words.

And so many more. These doubts and fears are scary, and some are real things you have to face. You know you need to meet them and break free. It can be overwhelming, others have done it, and you can too, one step at a time. It’s time to face those fears, jump over them one by one and rebuild your life into a much more positive happier future.

Dealing with the fear.

The fear is real and normal, you are far from alone, and you don’t need to do it alone.

The narcissist controls people through fear, and you can not wait to overcome this. You have to take safe actioned steps.

Living in daily fear can be temporary. If you face your fears, walk straight through them and break free. Or stay and continue to live in fear.

Choose your pain wisely. The pain of staying is long term; the pain of leaving is temporary if you continue to work on yourself.

You have a decision, you have a choice, change one thing, and it will change everything, make that change action it and stick to it.

How to leave an abusive partner.

1. Evaluate the risks, so you can take action to avoid those risks.

2. Create an action plan.

3. Seek professional help.

  • Evidence is key for the future. Take photos, keep a diary of dates, keep text messages, recorded anything as evidence of the abusive partner’s behaviour. Store on a password protected USB. You can hide, send to a new email address and delete all evidence, store it at a friends. If they have cameras watching you, don’t do anything that would risk your safety to get proof.
  • Try to gather important documents, passports, birth certificate, bank accounts info, do this last if you believe they might notice.
  • Domestic abuse helplines in your area. Suppose you don’t have friends or family to go to, to find a safe refuge.
  • Try to research on devices the abuser can not get access to. Public libraries, friends devise.
  • Delete browser history.
  • Try to gather any money you can, again safely.
  • Get support, friends, family, police, online groups, domestic violence agencies. Some people lived it, made it out, Understand and want to help best they can.
  • Get a copy of the car and house keys stored where the abuser doesn’t know.
  • Try to safely gather only sentimental items and only if a safe way to do so.
  • Do not leave in the heat of an argument.
  • Do not tell them directly.
  • Know exactly where you are going once you leave.
  • Leave during a safe window of time. When the abuser isn’t around, don’t leave a note.
  • Change your phone if needed.
  • Go straight to your place of safety.
  • Don’t let people know who might talk to your abuser know where you are.
  • Change all your passwords.
  • Get a restraining order, protection order or a non-molestation order.

Others have got out safely before you, and you can also get out safely. Once you’ve taken this step which is the most important, you can start working on yourself and your life again.

Click here for the video about going no contact.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

How Narcissists Manipulate With Reward & Punish.

One minute you can be living with someone who seemingly cares for you better than anyone ever has, then suddenly, for no apparent reason, it’s like living with a complete stranger who, no matter what you say or do they seem to get more pleasure out of hurting you than caring for you, we can fall into the trap of asking them ”what’s wrong? what have I done? have I done something?” As we want peace, we want calm, we want to understand them and them to understand us, we care, we don’t want pain, however asking the narcissist often leads us straight into the trap of paying more attention to how we can make them happy and less attention to just how unhappy we indeed are around them, believing we are the problem through the narcissists gaslighting, blame-shifting and silent treatments, when in reality if they cared for us in the ways we care for them, they wouldn’t want to hurt us, as it would hurt them seeing us in pain, as it hurts us seeing them in pain, our question isn’t what have we done, our question should be why would they act this way, and our answer in within their behaviour, as they manipulate to exploit others as they feel entitled to get their needs met with a lack the empathy to care for how their behaviour affects you, only how with the exposure they might suffer consequences. Therefore they covertly manipulate those around them into taking all the blame for the narcissist’s behaviour, so the narcissist can hide their true intentions, to hide their behaviour, and one way a narcissist will manipulate you is to punish you by withholding. They can withhold anything and everything from compassion, care, communication, friendships, family, love, safety, sleep, money, protection, affection, and privacy.

Narcissists slowly withhold things from you, so you don’t recognise what they’re actually doing to you. If you do start to recognise what they’re doing to you and ask them about this, they will gaslight you into blaming yourself for their behaviour towards you.

Narcissists like to withhold when they’re not getting their own way, when you’ve called them out on their behaviour, when you’ve set a boundary when they feel criticism, when they fear exposure, they seek to punish you for the very things that they’re actually doing to you, so you and questioning yourself more and not that behaviour.

Then when you start jumping through hoops to do exactly what they want you to do, they might reward you, and they might show you some compassion, some care, they might communicate with you, they might make you feel safe, they might leave you to sleep, treat you to something and give you that affection attention and support back.

This reward, punishment is what makes it so confusing when they withhold from you again as our minds can remember the fact that they treated us right. This is their admiration seeking face.

The narcissist’s admiration face, I am great, I am special, I am perfect, I know how to handle people, I am powerful, I am better than all the others.

They don’t go straight out and say it. They instead put on their charismatic charm to draw you in, or the woe is me so you empathise with them, want to help them, as they are treating you so right, you couldn’t imagine they would willingly want to hurt you, if you’ve been hurt in the past you can relate to them.

The love bombing phase and the narcissists reward phase is your reality at that moment, it might well be an act and An Illusion, and a trap on the narcissists part, as you can not see the act to you it’s real, and it builds you up to living in such a fantastic high.

Then when they don’t get what they want, their envious face comes out.

The envious face, I am better than all the others, I want others to fail, I need to be the centre of attention, Everyone should take care of me, and they withdraw from you. When they are not getting their own way, as they feel entitled, they take this as an in-depth criticism and the tantrums begin, slowly breaking down your boundaries, with The Narcissists’ Triangulation. Pity plays, guilt trips, and more are usually done slowly over time, with the added Gaslighting, which is psychological manipulation making you lose your sense of reality. Narcissists seek to take out those who they feel are not serving them as they should, not admiring them as they should.

As narcissistic people might feel shame, they do not like the feelings of shame for the things they do, they Blame-Shift and Project to escape responsibility, often telling that many lies they believe their own reality.

The more they manipulate us into doing exactly what they want, the more we lose who we are, leaving us hurt, confused and often alone as the narcissist will have most likely isolated us.

The narcissist slowly Devalues us, through their put-downs, either covert. ” are you really going out in that.” To the overt. ” you look awful in that.” Taking us down bit by bit, criticising, where you go, what you do, how you treat them, how you treat others, what you do wrong, then when they need you again, they lift you back to you.

Yet when we do get something right for the narcissist, the narcissist will offer intermittent plays of the nice side, reward us to confuse us even more.

We can remember when they treated us well, and then they blame us when they take it away from us. Then they reward us when we do something that suits them, so we are influenced into believing we are the problem, and this is reinforced in our mind when they punish us, then when we try to make it up to them, it’s reinforced that it was our fault when they treat us right.

It’s never your fault. It’s who they are.

Another manipulation method narcissists use to get us questioning ourselves and isolated from support is to give you things in public in front of others in front of friends, family, strangers that they are withholding from you within the home. A narcissist will emotionally murder you within the privacy of your own home. Because they reward you in public and give you those things in public, those around you don’t recognise what’s happening to you then when you try to explain what’s happening to those around you. People don’t believe you as they only see the side to the narcissist when a narcissist is treating you well. 

In some cases, a narcissist can give the things they’re withholding from you to others in front of you. This often happens with siblings. What the narcissistic parent is withholding from one sibling they will give to another sibling a narcissistic partner will up and abandon their family. Then they will go and give the new supply and the new supplies children the things they’re withholding from their own family.

When people have been hurt because someone has lied, cheated, duped, exploited them, they can withhold. When the one who hurt them try’s to gain forgiveness, they can slowly stop withholding. With a narcissist, their admiration seeking face got hurt, they didn’t get their own way, so they withhold to punish and reward when you make it up to them. It’s all in patterns of behaviour and intentions behind the behaviour.

It’s not all about what narcissists do to you. It’s what they don’t do for you and what they take away from you. Narcissistic people train you to expect nothing and give everything. 

The narcissist’s reward punish.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.), where you will be matched with a licensed councillor who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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7 Ways Narcissists Twist The Story To Make Out They’re The Victim And You’re The villain.

Those who’ve spent time around a narcissist will already know all too well just how confusing they can be, just how confusing your life becomes around them, slowly losing your own opinions, perceptions and reality, just how manipulative narcissists are and how they can straight out lie, often believing their own lies, with you believing their lies as they are so convincing in what they do.

This is seven ways a narcissist can play the victim and twist the story to suit their reality.

Delusion and Denial.

A narcissistic person can feel shame for the things they do. However, they don’t want to feel this shame, so they Project their shame into others by blame-shifting to escape accountability and avoid taking any responsibility. To prevent them from feeling any form of emotions like guilt and remorse. As a coping mechanism, they delude themselves and those around them to avoid any painful emotions, that their own reality is the only reality, and it’s real, even though it isn’t.

Their reality is often indeed seen by them that way, and even at times when it isn’t, they tell themselves and others their truth that much their own subconscious believes it to be real. They have to create a story in their own heads perceived in the only way they want to see it, which is everything is always someone else’s fault and never their own. The more this goes around their head, the more they believe it to be accurate, why their stories are so convincing even when things don’t quite add up.

How to disarm.

Write down what they told, then write down your reality.

Projection.

The narcissist will project any unhealed parts of themselves onto others, as they simply will not and can not take responsibility for their own actions, they don’t like how they are empty, they need approval and seek attention, they are pathologically Jealous And Envious of those around them, they will fabricate, distort, lie, Triangulation and blame shift any of their own wrongdoings onto others. This creates an alternative or false reality in the narcissist’s own mind.

When you question them about something, and they say you’re jealous, it’s either to deflect the truth or because they are jealous.

When you suspect they are cheating and ask them about it. They will accuse you of cheating or being insecure to deflect the truth often because they are actually cheating.

If they say someone is insecure, they are insecure.

If they say someone was cruel to them, they were cruel to that person.

If a narcissists says you’re too sensitive, it’s to cover up the fact they hurt you’re feeling.

If a narcissist states you have trust issues, it’s to distract you from the fact they’re untrustworthy.

If they say their exes are crazy, look at the common denominator.

They want to pass all their faults onto others. To do this, they will blame your emotional reactions to their actions as being the primary problem to distract you from the fact their actions are the problem. Whatever hurtful act a narcissist does to another, the narcissist will find a way to twist it, so the other person was in the wrong to make themselves out to be right.

How to disarm.

Give yourself the compassion and understanding that the narcissist will not give you. Do not give them your sympathy or empathy, as a narcissist will use this against you to hurt you more. You can not control what others say and do. You can not help them. You can give yourself your own reality check and be kind to yourself first.

Gaslighting.

Narcissists use gaslighting as a way to psychologically manipulate others into losing their own reality and taking the narcissists reality on as their own. Another way to escape the actual reality of the narcissist’s mistakes and wrongdoings by making others believe the narcissist’s false reality, thus them believing their own false reality themselves.

How to disarm.

If you’re still with them, if they are a family member, write down what was said and if in doubt, look at it. If you have children they still see, keep everything via messages or email, so you have it all in writing.

Blame shifting.

Switching the crazy-making onto the innocent target. When anyone confronts a narcissist or tries to set boundaries, the narcissist will change the whole focus onto the other person. So the narcissist can escape accountability and not take responsibility for their actions. Putting all the attention and blame onto the innocent party.

Narcissists do this with ease as they lack the empathy to care, they believe they are always right and are oblivious to how their behaviour affects others, only how peoples reactions might affect the narcissist, they refuse to listen to others, refuse to admit fault, and to the narcissist, any pain you’re in is your doing, any pain the narcissist is in will also be your doing. 

They make others feel guilt by blaming those around them so that the narcissist can remain in control. They exploit peoples feelings to punish people, to bring out the worst in people, to take advantage of people for their own gain. 

When a narcissist feels. 

  • Threatened
  • Shamed.
  • Rejection.
  • Embarrassment.
  • Exposure.
  • Disrespect.
  • Neglect.
  • Humiliated.

Real or perceived, and as they don’t see themselves as the problem, if they embarrass themselves, they then have to abuse others by.

  • Physical.
  • Financial.
  • Psychological.
  • Emotional.
  • Spiritual.
  • Sexual.

Then they gaslight those they abuse into blaming themselves. At the same time, the narcissist plays the victim, to feel better about themselves, the more we chase them, the more we try to help them, the more we work harder to please them, the more they believe it’s our fault, if we walk away they believe it’s our fault, there is no way to help a narcissist as they’re unwilling to help themselves. The only thing we can do is allow ourselves and walk away.

How to disarm.

Only take responsibility for your own behaviour, pass responsibility back to the rightful owner for theirs, recognising what they do to people, that they are shifting the blame, focus on the fact their behaviour speaks volumes about who they are and not who you are.

Lies.

Narcissists are compulsive liars. It’s a defensive mechanism. Even if you have facts and evidence, they will lie through their teeth to get out of it, find some way to blame others or why it was all your fault.

A Narcissist will be angry at you for finding the truth out about them.

How to disarm.

Look for facts. If they are bare face lying with evidence in front of them, remember they can not accept responsibility, they can not be held accountable, give yourself the answers.

How they will tell the story to others.

Even genuine people have their limits and can react and react badly. Reactive Abuse, this occurs when the victim finally snaps. They might scream or shout in anger, throws insults or lash out at the abuser. Abusers are known to try and push others for this reaction. Once the narcissist has the reaction, they will twist the story, so the real victim is the abuser, and the narcissist can play the victim.

They will use this against you forevermore, and some will even film it to go to the police against you.

If you reacted at any point during a narcissistic relationship, where they were controlling you. Then twisting everything into you. Then you feel as you’re to blame while they escape all accountability. This does not make you a narcissist. This is further manipulation from the narcissist. The keyword is REACT. You reacted to someone who knows all your weaknesses so that they can turn everything onto you. Own responsibility for how you reacted, see the whole story, then let it go. It’s now in the past.

How to disarm.

In any future communication, retreat, rethink and then only respond if you genuinely need to do so.

Smear campaigns and your character annihilation.

You might remember the story’s they told you about the exes. They most likely will not have wanted you talking to any exes because, of course, they’re all crazy. Having empathy, you sympathise with them about just how horrible it is another person could treat someone this way.

This is what they will be doing to you, everything they did to you, any reaction you gave they will be twisting all the facts into their own reality and blaming you.

“When a Narcissist can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you.”

Narcissists will often leave without closure, so when you call and message, they’ll show the new partner, friends and family as evidence you’re Stalking them, and they’re such a good catch that you want them back. Missing out the part, they just up and left you and moved straight in with someone new.

“Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.”

If you try to explain to the new partner, they’ll have been fed so many lies just like you once were that it’d confirm in the new partner’s mind that you’re trying to split them up.

Or they’ll Triangulate you both, so you both work harder to win them back, play you off against each other, they know you’ve taken them back before because of that Trauma Bond, so they’ll bread crumb you into believing you have a chance, they be telling the new how bad they feel for leaving you, and perhaps they should give you another chance, so you both without knowing fight each other to keep hold of a toxic manipulator.

How to disarm.

Leave them to it, focus on who you are and who you want to be. Their story’s fall apart when you don’t look like the crazy ex, and you begin to look happier without them.

When it comes to children, some will just up and leave the children, explaining to others how you will not let them see the children. Others will play so many mind games with the children, fail to see them when they are supposed to, say horrible things to the children so that you have to choose no contact, they will them blame you to all others for not allowing the children to see them. They will happily drag you onto the court while you lose sleep worrying about it all and the effects of the children not seeing them, with the impact on the children when they are around them is heartbreaking.

How to disarm. Keep as much written evidence on everything you can and be prepared. Set time aside to deal with court paperwork, they focus on being positive around the children.

Observe don’t absorb.

When you genuinely pay attention to the words that fall from their mouths, you’ll know all those times you couldn’t work out what was happening, they were talking rubbish to you, from backhanded compliments.

“You’re hair looks better like that than it did before.”

“I didn’t think you’d get the promotion. Congratulations.”

“You look pretty when you have makeup on.”

Blame shifting phrases,

“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.”

“I’m not controlling you. You’re trying to control me.”

“If you would have done what I asked, it wouldn’t have happened.”

“You know what I’m like in the morning, and you should have left me alone.”

“If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”

Gaslighting phrases,

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”

“It’s not my fault your too sensitive.”

“You’re crazy, and you need help.”

“I never said that.”

“I told you last week, and you must be losing your mind.”

A narcissist can not accept themselves for who they indeed are, as they believe they are superior and above and better than all others. They are either unwilling or unable to see faults within themselves, so they will make their own reality and do their best to make sure those around them believe them. They convince themselves that their reality is a fact.

They need validation from others to keep their own insecurities and faults deeply hidden.

People who’ve been close with a narcissist get hurt emotionally, psychologically, socially, financially and sometimes physically. They simply do not care, and they will turn whatever they do to you onto you so that they can escape all accountability.

You communicate on a world level, with empathy, compassion, understanding of others perceptions, caring, thoughtful and forgiving. They only understand they are the only person that matters.

You look for the middle ground and Compromise, and they are not looking for agreement. They are looking to win at all costs to you.

They communicate on a level which is only ever to serve and suit themselves.

The disorder is on a spectrum, so some you might be able to learn how to disarm them and how to best handle yourself around them.

With others, no contact is the only way forward.

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The narcissists counter-parenting.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Projection.

Common lies