The Real Narcissist.

When raised by narcissistic parents, we don’t know or understand any different often accepting behaviour as normal that’s far from normal, then excusing others hurtful behaviour towards us as it’s what our parents did, it’s just what some people are like, with enablers often telling us “You know what they’re like.”

It’s not so easy to understand those behaviours or spot those red flags when we don’t know. Our instincts might be telling us something, however when we are unwittingly gaslighted into believing something else, seeing the good in others, believing others think like we and intentions are coming from a right place we don’t know what those red flags are telling us.

When we know, we can feel foolish, stupid and humiliated, often looking back thinking if only we’d created that boundary, listened to our instincts.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing, and when it comes to a narcissistic relationship, it takes time to come to a full understanding of the situation we were once in, if we are still in it, we begin to recognise the danger and have to find a safe route out.

A narcissist has two very different faces, the admiration seeking that they show to the world and those around them with their larger than life arrogance that we often mistake as confidence, and their rivalry seeking face from their envy, which we are often fed lies of betrayal and feel bad that others hurt them. Leaving us living two very conflicting realities we a narcissist as when we are about to unmask their rivalry side, they sell us sob stories of their past, gaslight us into doubting ourselves, blame us for their wrongdoings, project their actions or feelings into us, guilt trip us, and thoroughly confuse us.

The first person we meet is the admiration seeking narcissist, and we live the reality they sell us at this time, every moment we live. It’s our truth, we feel understood by them, valued and cared for not realising this is their mirroring, future faking, love bombing and idealising the future that will never be.

Their admiration face, be it Covert Or Overt grandiose, fragile, somatic or cerebral, as narcissists want to be admired they want excessive attention. To feed their own sense of superiority, to feel special, unique and powerful, they throw massive tantrums when these needs are not being met. However, most narcissists can control these tantrums at first. People love to feel loved, create a human connection. Most narcissistic people do not trust in others and doubt they can be loved due to various possible reasons, either a trauma in early childhood, which takes them into the Fight survival mode, those passive-aggressive or aggressive behaviour, lacking in the development of object consistency which is formed in the mind by around the age of 2 or 3 meaning people can care about others even if there is a distant, disagreement or hurt, narcissists are missing this object consistency. They might have never developed the natural attachments systems to others in infancy, where they form a bond with the primary caregiver, they might have never developed true empathy to care for others or have limited understanding to care for others genuinely, or something happened, so they removed empathy from within themselves, or deep down as they know they are all about themselves they believe others are too, as they know how they think they think others think like them, as they destroy others they believe others are out to destroy them, so they need to take people down first.

Many narcissistic people’s biggest fear is abandonment for themselves, why they seek to control and have other people lined up, they lack the empathy to care how it might hurt another if they abandon another. Most have insecurities and lack self-worth, yet they are not brave enough to bring these insecurities and vulnerabilities up and heal these wounds within themselves, as that true inner self is so painful, their ego and arrogance will not allow it, why they long for admiration from those around them to prove to themselves they are special, those who are admired will be more grandiose, overt as the world around them seemingly agrees with their false reality, those not so successful the fragile narcissist, are more vulnerable, and woe is me as they live the most significant reality gap between what they think and the world is against them. Narcissistic people most likely do actually want to feel loved, they just crave their ideal, with no room for errors, with their envy they are always seeking more, and they definitely want and need admiration, why in the Beginning they come on so strong. Yet, as they don’t know who they indeed are within themselves, they Mirror others, they will choose people out of desperation to be with someone, not willing to get to know the individual to see if their beliefs match, they see a quality within that person that they admire or they are envious of. They mirror those ideas, beliefs, values, life goals, to suck people into their games, to feel special.

In The Idealisation Stage.

A narcissist will love bomb which is cruel and is an attempt to influence you into believing something that isn’t true, sometimes this is calculated manipulation when someone tricks you into believing they are something that they are not. You get lavished with, gifts, attention, time, effort, emotions, flattery and grand gestures, they like all your likes, and dislike all your dislikes, want the same future as you, create those false dreams of the future. Which as we’ve no evidence to the contrary, we believe and trust within them. We open up to them, and they learn all about us our vulnerabilities, our deepest insecurities to your biggest dreams, they, in essence, turn their personality into us, which isn’t their true selves. That act is hard to keep, they match us like for like, leading us to believe we’ve met the one, our soul mate and all our dreams are coming true. We live this reality, and with the intermittent reinforcements of the idealisation when things go wrong, it gives us false hope that we can make it work.

With a narcissist this is all manipulation, to feed us a reality that they can never fully deliver, as it’s not them it’s not their passion, they don’t honestly care enough about those dreams, or us to create them into reality, it’s easy to spot when we know what to look for, not so easy when we don’t have the awareness or understanding believing and trusting that others all have good intentions, think like us. Love bombing is used to create feelings of obligation, and hope within us, keeping us locked in a toxic environment that we don’t even know we are in.

Once the narcissist realises that we are human and we have flaws we make errors in judgment as we have with the narcissist, even if we questioned ourselves about them in the beginning, we could feel bad for being judgmental, no one can not live up to the excessive demands of admiration the narcissist needs to keep their true selves hidden and keep their ego stroked, not without losing themselves. Once we’ve lost ourselves, the narcissist no longer likes what they see, as they’ve often projected all their negative and unwanted thoughts, feelings, the behaviour they don’t like about themselves into us, they can almost see a glimpse of who they are within us. They don’t want to be aware of this. As they can not sustain the ideal love, they can not grasp the ideas of mutual acceptance or that others have flaws. No one is perfect, Compromise, boundaries, respect, communication. They are very tunnel-visioned and only see it their way. Love feels unsafe to them, so they have to control.

Their admiration face.

  • Grandiose
  • I am great.
  • I am special.
  • I am perfect.
  • I know how to handle people.
  • I am powerful.
  • I am better than all the others.

Most don’t go straight out and say these things some do. Most, the grandiose put on the charm to draw you in, or the fragile the woe is me so you empathise with them, want to help them, as they are treating you so right, you couldn’t imagine anyone would want to hurt them, if you’ve been hurt in the past you can relate to them, open up to them.

This love bombing phase is our reality at that moment, it might well be an Illusion, and a trap on the narcissists part, as you can not see the act to us it’s real, and it builds us up to living in such a fantastic high.

As a narcissist believes in their own greatness, they have a charm a magnetic pull to them, and those who don’t fully understand them are charmed and taken in by them. If you don’t know and don’t understand, it’s effortless to fall for the love bombing. As they swoop in and sweep you off your feet, you’re not aware this person is wrong for you until you’re in too deep. Then when reality hits of how toxic they are, it’s hard to break free as you’ve lived the time when they treated you so right

When raised by narcissistic parents who withdrew love, attention, affection and support, and you’re conditioned to accept conditional love, love bombing feels like unconditional love with mutual understanding.

The other side to a narcissist is the rival narcissist, the envious narcissist.

A narcissist sees others as rivals to them, Narcissists’ are incredibly jealous and envious people, when someone is getting something they want, or the narcissistic person considers believing someone as doing better than them, they seek to destroy.

When they are not getting their own way, as they feel entitled, they take this as an in-depth criticism and the tantrums begin, they start to devalue those around them, slowly breaking down our boundaries, with the narcissists’ triangulation, their pity plays, guilt trips, projection and blame-shifting, this is usually done slowly over time, with the added Gaslighting which is psychological manipulation making us lose touch with our own reality, narcissistic people seek to take out those who they feel are not severing them as they should, not admiring them as they should.

As they feel shame, and they do not like the feelings of shame for the things they do, they Blame-Shift and Project, to escape responsibility, often telling that many lies they believe their own reality.

Narcissists act first blaming everyone else and expect others to apologise later for the narcissist’s behaviour.

The more they manipulate others into doing exactly what they want, the more we lose a part of who we are, leaving us feeling, hurt, confused and often alone as the narcissist will have most likely isolated you, or due to the trauma response freeze, you might begin to feel disconnected from the world and isolate yourself.

Yet when we get something right in the narcissist’s eyes, the narcissist will offer those intermittent plays of the nice side, to confuse us even more, or they’ll future fake to distract us from the pain of the present by getting us to focus on the future they’ll eventually gaslight us into believing they never said or it’s all our fault it never happened if we just work harder to please them all will be ok, only it’s never ok.

The narcissist slowly devalues us, through put-downs, either covert. ” are you really going out in that.” To the overt. ” you look awful in that.” Taking you down bit by bit, invalidating who you are criticising, where you go, what you do, how you treat them, how you treat others, what you do wrong, then when they need you again they lift you back you. Due to the love-bombing all too often we care and find ourselves listening to their opinions and not our own.

We eventually end up so lost and confused as to who we are, who they are, often isolated, so we only have them to go to for a reality check, leaving our reality even more confusing.

The narcissist’s envious rivalry face.

  • I am better than all the others.
  • I want others to fail.
  • I need to be the centre of attention.
  • Everyone should take care of me.
  • I’m entitled.

They also might not straight out hit you. (Some do, and some don’t.) this can leave you even more confused.

Living with the admiration seeking narcissist and the envious narcissist is confusing, living in fear walking on eggshells to avoid causing a narcissistic injury if you don’t do right by them. Living in hope, they’ll not rage and lash out or fall silent.

We are manipulated from the start, in the middle and the end, even after we manage to break free, they come at us with further manipulation and games.

It’s painful, confusing and causes so many psychological problems within our own mind.

To heal, recover and move forward, understanding the disorder and what effects it has on you, and learning to understand ourselves, learning who we are. Our beliefs, our human needs, to create our boundaries, so those reds flags are no longer question marks to be excused they become deal-breakers.

Love bombing.

How narcissists distract us from the truth.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Why We End Up Confused Around Narcissists.

Time spent around narcissistic people can leave us feeling confused, anxious, full of self-blame and self-doubt, heartbroken, with cptsd, to name a few. It can wipe out our old belief system to the point where we no longer know who we are or what to believe in. Feeling lost and overwhelmed, not trusting in our own judgment.

The internal conflict we have from being around a narcissist without realising what’s happening, between their admiration seeking face and their envious seeking face, between those Jackie and hide characters the narcissists show you to sell you an illusion of our ideal while we catch glimpses of their shadow side, which they project into us and gaslight us into no longer knowing what to think it can be crippling for your sanity, draining emotionally, physically and mentally.

What is cognitive dissonance?

This is a state of mind where your beliefs or opinions don’t match up with attitudes or behaviours, where your reality no longer matches your beliefs, so you’re always looking for ways to match them up, or you’re living two different reality’s. When the narcissist future faking words don’t match their actions, then their gaslighting stories get you questioning your actions and your memories and not their broken promises.

How do they do this?

You meet them, and they love bomb you, through various ways, if you like movies you go to the movies, long conversations if you’d like marriage and children they’ll make all those plans with you, if you don’t want those things neither do they, they message you call you, be there for you. Then at some point, it all stops, all you get is some half-truths. “I went to watch that for you, and I don’t like it.” Or “I would have if you hadn’t.” Conversations turn into them talking about themselves, and they’re no longer interested in you. They’ll guilt trip and say things like. “You don’t do this for me.” ”after all I’ve done for you.” those silent treatments. They will project all their faults onto you. You then blame yourself, beg, plead, apologies, change to suit them and the nice narcissist returns, making your mind believe it’s you, they are all those nice things, only for it to cycle back to them showing their true colours, leaving you a little more confused each and every time, slowing losing who you are, slowly losing your reality and slowing losing your mind. They’ll then call you “crazy.” Or say “you need help.” They reinforce In your mind it’s you. When in actual fact, it’s what they do to you.

Gaslighting is one of the more common forms of a narcissists manipulation. Yet, when we are unaware of what this is, it’s difficult to see it happening to us while it is happening, however with more awareness once we know we can see it a mile away.

Gaslighting is psychological manipulation to distort someone’s reality, to make someone doubt themselves and reality so much they feel like they are going crazy, often by the very person who’s sending them the way, the narcissist saying. ”You’re crazy.” so that we doubt ourselves and doubt reality all the more, the common gaslighting phrases are.

There gaslighting starts at the beginning starting that cognitive dissonance within our mind. They learn who you are and what you like and dislike, what your beliefs are, they start by showing you the reality that they match you in every way, Emotional bond, to love and care.

They mirror us and sell it back to us, so we feel understood by them, we share the same interest as them, have lived the same experience as them, share the same beliefs, values, and feel completely at ease with them.

Those long conversations with them at the beginning where they learn all about us and collect the date they will one day use against us.

We feel we can be vulnerable around them opening up to them not realising any past wounds we have they’re going to tear right open and use the things that hurt us the most to hurt us the most.

In the beginning, their arrogance can come across as confidence, we admire them, compliment them, as they lap up the attention.

As we feel so in tune with them we care for their opinions, whether we ask them for advice or not, we have that emotional connection we care for them, and we care for what they think and feel, believing they do us, with their lack of object consistency meaning if there is anger, disagreement, distance, conflict, and their lack of empathy, they don’t care in the same way we do and they switch off. They can hurt us if they feel criticism then walk away.

Once you’ve fallen in love, they then begin to use it all against you in many ways. There are a few ways they use cognitive dissonance against you.

As at first, as they show you the reality, and you lived that reality that matched your beliefs, then when they believed their needs were not being met, they gaslight, devalue as we care for them and their opinions we look to them for communication to receive those silent treatments, causing us more confusion and pain. They might provoke us into stepping out of character and reacting, so we feel guilt and work harder to please them, they project any mistake, flaws weaknesses in them onto us, they pass all the blame for anything wrong in their life onto those around them, and problems with our life they also blame us. So we believe we did wrong, then they’ll show you that false reality that matches your own beliefs, so you think it was, in fact, you that did wrong, your mind becomes torn between the fundamental truth, the alternate reality they are gaslighting you with, to cover up their bad behaviour towards you.

Then they’ll offer that intermittent reinforcement of the ideal future, ( future faking.) to give us the hope if we do right by them, they’ll do right by us.

Because of the above treatment towards you, it causes a state of confusion within your own mind, as you fight the actual reality of who they are, with the false truth of who they pretend to be that matches who you thought they were and want them to be, believing you’re at fault, so your mind will downplay their behaviour towards you. The narcissist will also gaslight with ”that never happened.” they will downplay their toxic behaviour and exaggerate yours. Your left in a trance with your mindset not matching not trusting perceptions, people and your own self. As you are holding two or more contradictory beliefs, or reality’s at the same time, it leaves you in a state of confusion, and often with anxiety, which they will use to gaslight you more, they’ll say things like. “look at the state of you.” And “I told you last week.” Or “you’re insecure.” And “you’re paranoid.” Which when you’re already full of self-doubt those words reinforce this reality, as their opinions of you matters from the beginning when you felt so understood by them, you’re continually looking for a reality check. Yet, mostly if you’ve been isolated, that reality check is coming from the very person who’s sinking you.

They’ll happily watch your head go under the water, to offer you a hand and raise you back up, just to dunk you back under.

As you experience cognitive dissonance, it makes your mind hold onto two or more beliefs, reality’s, ideas or values, it causes a hazy memory, brain fog, that fog also appears from the narcissist using fear, obligation and guilt to coercive control you. When you can see the facts and the truth, yet it’s not matching those beliefs people find any reason or excuses to relieve the discomfort within our own minds, making incidents not as bad as they were, blaming ourselves etc. the psychological abuse received in this way, leaves you confused, full of heartache, with mixed feelings of betrayal and you feeling to blame.

The gaslighting they use against you. That psychological manipulation, where the narcissist plants seeds of self-doubt within your mind, making you question your own memories, perceptions and sanity. Which results in you having cognitive dissonance, leaving you often confused, isolated and going to the narcissist for reality checks. They slowly take more power and control over your mind.

Our minds can then unwittingly self harm us. Trying to remove this cognitive dissonance. By twisting our own truth, the reality feels too uncomfortable to bear, so our minds twist it, not knowing we are running away from the truth. It makes us feel worse. It’s the minds way of protecting itself from pain, temporarily, yet long term it causes more pain, our minds find ways to eliminate facts, we don’t want to accept creating dissonance.

Evasion. We are avoiding what we don’t want to know, creating a sense of denial within our minds, creating that dissonance.

Seeking validation, which is a good thing, unfortunately, that validation we find is often from the narcissist, which only ends up reinforcing That cognitive dissonance.

What can you do?

Healthy ways to reduce cognitive dissonance and get your mind back on track and working for you.

Write it out. Keep a written diary, write down the reality and facts precisely as they are no matter how painful, facing that pain and stepping over that pain will, in the end, free your mind from the pain it’s suffering now, every time your brain tries to tell you a more straightforward story, read the truth out until you’ve got reality in your mind and can naturally leave it in the past.

Speak with trusted people, those who will relate with you, let you know your thoughts are healthy, why it’s happening and that it’s ok to think how you do, back to vulnerabilities. When good people open up and understand vulnerability within themselves, they can connect with others.

When your beliefs and reality don’t match, it helps to understand what your beliefs are and recognise the reality isn’t matching, instead of making excuses in your own mindset.

Other ways.

Change your beliefs, and this can be hard, especially if it’s important to you.

Change the situation, if the reality of the situation isn’t matching your beliefs, get out of that situation, leave it behind, it’s not working for you, it’s working against you.

Change your actions, whatever it is may have caused your feelings of guilt, pain, fear, step into those, and work through them, acknowledge them, don’t run if you run you don’t heal.

In future become more mindful.

  • Keep a written diary.
  • Exercise.
  • Read and learn new things.
  • Talk with others.
  • Meditation.
  • Yoga.

Keep a track on your beliefs, if you need to change them, you can If you need to change something in your life that’s not matching beliefs you can.

You can, and you will recover from this.

How narcissists invalidate you.

CPTSD.

Love bombing.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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How Narcissists Twist The Story To Blame You For The Things They do.

Whatever happens in a narcissists life be it the grandiose or the vulnerable, the somatic or the cerebral, those who act more overt and those who are more covert, and they can all cross over if needed to exploit another, most act covertly as they hide their true intent from those around them, however, if we listen closely their projection, their natural defence mechanism to project all the bad within their life into those around them, those grudges they hold onto of the things others did to them, which often is what the narcissist did to those very people they’re holding a grudge against, they twist the story gaslight people to escape accountability, their baiting to get that reaction from you so that they can blame it all on you, whatever happens in a narcissists life that they themselves Perceive as negative or bad, they will pass the blame and play the victim to avoid those feelings of shame for the things they actually do. So just how do they play the victim so well without us knowing? Covertly is how.

A narcissist can not accept themselves for who they indeed are, and they believe they are superior and above and better than all others. They are either unwilling or unable to see faults within themselves, so they will make their own reality and do their best to make sure those around them believe them. They convince themselves that their reality is a fact.

They need validation from others to keep their own insecurities and faults deeply hidden, they want to guilt-trip those around them to escape the shame for what they do while gaining control.

People who’ve been close with a narcissist, get hurt, emotionally, psychologically, socially, financially and sometimes physically. They simply do not care, and they will turn whatever they do to you, onto you so that they can escape all accountability.

You communicate on a broader level, with empathy, compassion, understanding of others perceptions, caring, thoughtful and forgiving. They only understand they are the only person that matters.

You look for the middle ground and Compromise, and they are not looking for agreement, they are looking to win at all costs to you.

They communicate on a level which is only ever to serve and suit themselves.

The disorder is on a spectrum so some you might be able to learn how to disarm them and how to best handle yourself around them.

With others, no contact is the only way forward.

So how do narcissistic people, twist the story to play the victim, covertly is how, mostly hidden and in one form or another through gaslighting to alter your reality, so you feel like your losing your sanity and work harder to please them.

Gaslighting. 

They use this as a way to psychologically manipulate others into losing their own reality and taking the narcissists reality on as their own. Another way to escape the actual reality of their own by making others believe their false reality, thus them believing their own false reality themselves.

Gaslighting phrases, to twist the story and shift the blame to they don’t feel responsible and lose any shame.

When they lie through omission.

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”

When they humiliate or hurt you.

“It’s not my fault your too sensitive.”

When they provoke you.

“You’re crazy, and you need help.”

When you ask about a promise, they made.

“I never said that.”

When they didn’t let on.

“I told you last week. You must be losing your mind.”

When they’ve done something, they shouldn’t.

“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.”

When you stand up to them.

“I’m not controlling. You’re trying to control me.”

When you catch them.

“If you would have done what I asked, it wouldn’t have happened.”

When they rage for seemingly no reason.

“You know what I’m like in the morning, and you should have left me alone.”

When they cheat.

“If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”

When you ask them about that message.

“You looked at my phone, wow I can not trust you can I.”

How to disarm. 

If you’re still with them, if they are a family member, write down what was said and if in doubt look at it. If you have children they still see, keep everything via messages or email, so you have it all in writing.

Lies.

They are compulsive liars, it’s a defensive mechanism, even if you have evidence they will lie through their teeth to get out of it, find some way to blame others or why it was all your fault.

  • They lie to get their needs met.
  • They lie to play the victim and get sympathetic attention from those around them.
  • They lie so they don’t suffer any consequences to their own actions.
  • They lie to escape all accountability, and because they can not reflect, they believe their own lies.
  • They lie to get admiration and positive attention.
  • They lie to confuse you and your own reality.
  • They lie to anger you and get your reactions.
  • They lie to control others, and to control their reality, to get their needs met.
    They lie, because their lies become their truths, as they don’t see fault within themselves in order to change themselves, blaming all others, and they believe others are at fault, and others should change not them.

Narcissistic people often lack in emotions such as guilt, remorse, empathy, as they live in their own reality, with their own opinions and beliefs. They may feel shame deep within themselves, often why they will blame others, or blatantly lie that they didn’t lie.

How to disarm. 

Don’t approach them they’re not looking to give you answers they give you more pain or a false apology such as ”I’m sorry but.” yes we can all make mistakes look to see if they are willing to own theirs, those who repeat toxic behaviour don’t learn from their behaviour. Look for facts, if they are bare face lying with evidence in front of them, remember they can not accept responsibility, they can not be accountable, give yourself the closure and answers.

Delusion and Denial.

A narcissist person can feel shame for the things they do. However, they don’t want to feel this shame, so they Project their shame into others by blame-shifting and Gaslighting to escape accountability and avoid taking any responsibility. To prevent them feeling any form of emotions like guilt and remorse. As a coping mechanism, they delude themselves and those around them to avoid any painful emotions, that their own reality is the only reality and it’s real, even though it isn’t.

Their reality is often indeed seen by them that way, and even at times when it isn’t, they tell themselves and others their truth that much their own subconscious believes it to be real. They have to create a story in their own heads perceived in the only way they want to see it, which is everything is always someone else fault and never their own, the more this goes around their head, the more they believe it to be accurate, why their stories are so convincing even when things don’t quite add up.

How to disarm. 

Write down what they told then write down your reality.

Projection.

The narcissist will project any unhealed parts of themselves onto others, as they simply will not and can not take responsibility for their own actions, they don’t like how they are empty, they need approval and seek attention, they are pathologically Jealous And Envious of those around them, they will fabricate, distort, lie, Triangulation and blame shift any of their own wrongdoings onto others. This creates an alternative or false reality in the narcissist’s own mind.

When you question them about something, and they say you’re jealous, it’s either to deflect the truth or because they are jealous.

When you suspect they are cheating and ask them about it. They will accuse you of cheating or being insecure, to deflect the truth often because they are actually cheating.

If they say someone was cruel to them, they were cruel to that person.

If they say someone is insecure, they are insecure.

If they say someone owes them money, they often owe that other person.

If they say their exes are crazy, look at the common denominator.

They want to pass all their faults onto others.

How they will tell the story to others.

Those with good intentions have their limits and can react in a manner, not like themselves and react badly, Reactive Abuse, this occurs when people finally snap, they might scream or shout in anger, throws insults or lash out at the abuser, abusers are known to try and push others for this reaction. Once the narcissist has the reaction, they will twist the story so the real victim is the abuser and the narcissist can play the victim.

They will use this against you forevermore, and some will even film it to go to the police against you.

If you reacted at any point during a domestic violent relationship, where they were controlling you? Then twisting everything into you? Then you feel as you’re to blame while they escape all accountability? This does not make you a narcissist, this is further manipulation from the narcissist, the keyword is REACT. You reacted to someone who knows all your weaknesses so that they can turn everything onto you. Own responsibility for how you reacted, see the whole story then let it go, it’s now in the past.

How to disarm.

In any future communication, retreat, rethink and then only respond if you genuinely need to do so.

Smear campaigns and your character annihilation.

You might remember the story’s they told you about the exes, and they most likely will not have wanted you talking to any exes because of course, they’re all crazy, having empathy you sympathise with them about just how horrible it is another person could treat someone this way.

This is what they will be doing to you, everything they did to you, any reaction you gave they will be twisting all the facts into their own reality and blaming you to the new.

They will often leave without closure, so when you call and message they’ll show the new partner, friends and family as evidence you’re Stalking them and they’re such a good catch that you want them back. Missing out the part they just up and left you and moved straight in with someone new.

“Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.”

If you try to explain to their new partner, they’ll have been fed so many lies just like you once were that it’d confirm in the new partner’s mind that you’re trying to split them up.

Or they’ll Triangulate you both, so you both work harder to win them back, play you off against each other, they know you’ve taken them back before because of that Trauma Bond , so they’ll bread crumb you into believing you have a chance, they be telling the new how bad they feel for leaving you, and perhaps they should give you another chance, so you both without knowing fight each other to keep hold of a toxic manipulator.

How to disarm.

Leave them to it, focus on who you are and who you want to be, their story’s fall apart when you don’t look like the crazy ex, and you begin to look happier without them.

When it comes to children, some will just up and leave the children, explaining to others how you will not let them see the children. Others will play so many mind games with the children, fail to see them when they are supposed to, say horrible things to the children so that you have to choose no contact, they will them blame you to all others for not allowing the children to see them. They will happily drag you onto the court, while you lose sleep worrying about it all and the effects of the children not seeing them, with the impact on the children when they are around them is heartbreaking.

How to disarm. Keep as much written evidence on everything you can and be prepared. Set time aside to deal with court paperwork, then focus on being positive around the children. Do your best to get rest, set-aside time to deal with court of smear campaign, then focus on doing things you enjoy doing.

Observe don’t absorb.

When you genuinely pay attention to the words that fall from their mouths, you’ll know all those times you couldn’t work out what was happening, they were talking rubbish to you, from backhanded compliments.

“You’re hair looks better like that than it did before.”

“I didn’t think you’d get the promotion, congratulations.”

“You look pretty when you have makeup on.”

Observe their pattern of behaviour and their words, recognising thats who they are and that’s on them not you, nothing you do will help them, you can help you.

With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life, stay in your reality.

Lies

Reactive abuse.

Communication.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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How To Respond And Not React To A Narcissist.

As most of you know, it’s extremely difficult to communicate with someone who doesn’t want to understand you, someone who says “I don’t want to argue.” Before the conversation begins or “why do you have to make things difficult.” And those “it’s not all about you.” Or the “you’re crazy.” When they are the very person who if it’s not going their way baits you into an argument or a reaction, who believes that they are right and you are wrong, they are good and you are bad, someone who sets the stage to bring out the worst in you, then stands back to watch your confusion.

It’s always advisable to go no contact with a narcissist and cut off your supply of attention to them, not always possible, in this case learning about the disorder, so you know what you’re dealing with, can recognise their pattern if behaviour and stay in your truth.

The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum. However, communication seems impossible with them all. We can open our mouths to talk, their level of understanding is the language barrier as they only understand if it’s about them in a good way, anything not about their sense of entitlement or questions their grandiosity, believe they are special, or anything they don’t see as ideal to them or the belief they are special, they take this as criticism, anything that goes against their grandiosity that they are superior, they will do all they can to gain the attention they believe they are entitled to, why merely walking away from some can cause them to rage, it’s ironic how a narcissist will tell you they don’t want to argue with you yet do their best to set the atmosphere and bait you into defending yourself to them. At the same time, they twist everything you’re saying to confuse you, upset you, create that drama and the argument.

So how do you communicate with the narcissist get your point across correctly without an argument? If you still live or work with a narcissist or someone that’s not a narcissist but has some traits, or you’ve left the narcissist, they’ve left you and especially if you’ve got children together, what can you do.

First, heal, know that other people’s opinions of you are not for you, especially the opinions of those who only wish to bring you down, to feel better about themselves.

Remember Narcissists love adoration if they can not get that, they love attention, above all else, they want to be in control, if they’re not in control, or even just because they are feeling that way out, they will bait you into none productive arguments to gain whatever attention and emotion they can from you. It’s just programmed into them for lots of reasons, from manipulating you, controlling you, getting a reaction from you, spoil your day, too they are right, and you are wrong.

With their lack of empathy, they only care about themselves. It’s a case of it’s my way, and that’s it nothing, and nobody else matters.

In the narcissist mind, it’s all about them, and you’re in the wrong. If they did something wrong of course it wasn’t actually them, to them, you made them do it, and they’re not accountable it’s you that made them act that way. They don’t reflect they just project any faults, flaws, weaknesses, mistakes over to you, to escape accountability for the things they actually do.

With a narcissist, it’s all tactics and gameplay. Anything and everything they do is to keep them in control of those around them, they will get control with persuasion, and manipulation with their tone of voice and the words they use, all else fails they will go to passive-aggressive manipulation those silent treatments/ the sulks, and /or aggression rage, violence. They are stubborn and have a closed mind if it’s of no benefit to them; they simply do not care. The worst thing you can do is argue with them. They love the emotional reactions you give them. Once they get your reactions to them it’s game on I’m winning, and they’ll keep going. You can not win an argument with a narcissist by arguing with them. As to them, their opinion is correct, and they’ll go whatever way they have to. So you believe them, or to bring you crashing down.

To us an argument or disagreement isn’t to win, it’s getting the point across while staying true to ourselves, we understand people have other opinions, to have a two-way conversation and at least reach an understanding if not an agreement. Narcissists do not so they will happily keep it going.

If you think you can go to a narcissist, to explain your thoughts or feelings, why you’re doing something, why what they did has hurt you or their own children, believing you can explain it to them, it’s not going to happen, they’ll either see criticism which they hate, or they’ll just not think your opinion matters as they’re always right. They believe they are superior, and no one will be able to change their mind. The narcissist has a lack of empathy towards others. So if they have hurt you or your children they don’t care, they don’t see it. They just feed off emotions. Positive or negative.

A narcissist only thinks their own way. They will never take others opinions on board as to them if it doesn’t match theirs, you are wrong. They don’t want or need to understand others. They also hate to think you feel competent within yourself. Whatever you think say or do that doesn’t match the narcissist they just believe you’re an idiot. However, they believe you should understand them.

If you do engage with a disagreement with a narcissist, they will twist everything with words “ who told you that, that not true, how stupid do you have to be, where did you come up with that stupid idea who on earth told you that, they’re an idiot, it’s not me that’s got the problem it’s you, I think you need some mental help” remember the words they use are tactics to drive you crazy and confused. To cause you self doubt. To make you feel stupid, wrong inadequate and foolish words like. How can you not remember? I told you that last week, I’m sure you’re losing your mind.”

You know full well they didn’t. All these words slowly spin around in your head, questioning yourself. Gaslighting is another favourite of theirs, to change your reality, so you question your sanity. Anything to make you feel like you are crazy and you rely on them to lead you and your thoughts.

As the narcissist will not see anyone’s opinions as valid if it doesn’t match their own, the best thing to do is leave well alone. No contact or limited contact. Get on with your life and what’s best for you. With children, sometimes you may have engaged with a disagreement with a narcissist, the best place to start is within your own mindset. You need to stay as calm and as emotionless as you can. Best offering no emotion.

Before approaching them to start with your own minds set.

Ask yourself if you really need to communicate with them, or can you leave them to it while focusing on you, ask yourself if your truth needs stating or you can just recognise your truth for you.

If you can retreat and leave them to it, if they came at you, the same, do they make sense? If not that’s on them, do you have to explain yourself? If so explain once, if you made sense don’t explain again as they will take you off-topic, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so.

When you do talk to them, remember a plain calm voice with zero emotions, practice grey rock. Don’t try to convince them or persuade them. Just stick to your truth the fact and the point. Do not start defending yourself when they try to twist it around onto you, which they always do, do not get drawn into it, do not go off-topic, remember they’re just trying to maintain control any way they can. The more you try to defend yourself, the more they’ll provoke you. Do not say any emotional words to them such as ”You made me feel.” this gives them to control when they know how they made you feel they will pick those feelings apart to make us feel worse, they might have made us feel, however, we have the power to step away and no longer allow then to treat us that way. When we tell them how they hurt us, they will twist that straight back at us. It’s not our job to get them to see. It’s our job to open our eyes and see them for who they are. It’s not our change their opinions. It’s our job to change our perception of them away from the one that keeps is trapped in the hope, if we just say this, just do that, they’ll treat us right, and recognise that’s who they are, it’s our job to stay true to we are and keep to our boundaries.

One example when you have to discuss children.

Narcissist love to use children to try and keep control of you. Letting them down at the drop of a hat, changing days and times. If you’ve set up a routine for your children, stick to it. Children thrive on routine, even more so if the other parent is a narcissist. Suppose the narcissist wants to mess it around simple answers. Again message are best as everything is written with no emotion.

Stick with the facts and what’s going to happen.

“The arranged time is midday, the children will see you then.”

If the narcissist disagrees, then that’s their problem, not yours. You know you make sense you know you’re doing your best by the children. You know the narcissist doesn’t care, likes to mess things around, so it’s the narcissist problem it they don’t agree to something already agreed. Stay true to yourself.

Yes, you’ll get all the “ you’re keeping the children from me.” They often play the victim.

Stick to what you said be assertive.

Do not get drawn into this. That’s not your problem. They can get them on days times already set in the routine. If they don’t want to, that’s not your problem. It’s theirs If you’ve explained to them before why there is no room for adjustment no reason to do so again, even if this was six months ago.

Stick to facts, don’t get drawn off-topic, don’t allow them to offer a false compromise then to cause feelings of anger and resentment in you.

When they start invalidating you, putting you down, insulting you, remember most often it’s their projection, and they are in one way or another telling on themselves, know your truth, if you have to respond. ”Your opinion of me isn’t for me.” remember you define you.

When they accuse you of doing things you haven’t, feeling something you don’t, again remember you wouldn’t need to explain yourself to those who care for you if you’ve done no wrong those who love you would accuse you, narcissist accuse you of things you’ve not done to escape what they do. They provoke emotions in you, to get at you, to hurt you, to cause that doubt. No response is the best response, if you need to respond. ”what you think of me isn’t my responsibility.”

When they are twisting the story, gaslighting you, stand in your truth and give nothing if you need to respond if they’re trying to bait ” we remember things differently. ” when you know something happened and they claim it didn’t. ”I have no right to control your reality.”

When they hurt your feelings, then say. You’re too sensitive. know they are your feelings, recognise what those normal feelings are telling you if you need to respond ”I can see why you think that.” As a narcissist will only see your emotional reaction to their abuse as the problem, they don’t see their behaviour as the problem and your emotions as a symptom of their hurtful ways.

When they claim you’re stubborn or awkward, recognise what boundary if yours they’re trying to take, why they are throwing a tantrum. Stick to your truth, if by saying yes to them is saying no to you, say no to them. Recognise if it’s their projection and they are not comprising yet they expect you to. If you need to respond. ”That’s you’re perception of the situation.”

Narcissist control tactics.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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