Why A Narcissist Will Not Let You Go.

Why will a narcissist not leave you alone?

Most often when a narcissist had discarded us, it’s a harrowing experience, working through the pain and lightbulb moments of the past, while working on our future, working on our doubts, overcoming the trauma bond. Yet the narcissist keeps reappearing, either with their hurtful games or trying to suck us back in. So why when they discard, or when we leave them will they not just leave us alone? Why do they continue to hurt us? And why do they try to win us back?

1. The narcissist’s arrogance. When we end the relationship, it’s not to hurt them. It’s because we’ve hit the point where we can no longer take been thrown off the boat for them to pull us back up blame us and throw us back overboard to lift us back up and blame us, we realise as hard as it is, that our comfort zone is not comfortable. We need to face the pain of leaving, as the pain of staying will be worse in the long run, that we are worth more, we often feel guilty that we can not help them, that we have to block them. With a narcissist they discard because they see something they believe to be better, however when the narcissist repeats the same cycle with the new that they did with you, the narcissist is arrogant, conceited, excessively proud of themselves and believes that no one would refuse them, that they believe they can reappear to pick you up from where they left off as and when they please, they might use flattery, they might future fake to pull you back in or offer that false apology. Every time we take them back, their treatment of us gets worse as they become more self-opinionated in their sense of importance to you, believing they can do as they please and you’ll still take them back.

2.  Envy, if we refuse their advances, if we end the relationship, when we move on with our lives, they‘ll not leave us alone as a form of punishment. This depends on the narcissist, some fragile narcissists will be a lot quicker in leaving you alone for fear of denting their ego, the grandiose are most likely but not always going to try and punish you. When a narcissist feels like we’ve questioned their authority, this causes them criticism, which causes them to feel angry, thus seeking revenge on us—often resulting in a full-blown smear campaign due to the narcissist’s jealousy and envy.

3.  Preoccupied with power and success, as a narcissist is all about control. They can throw almighty tantrums when they feel like they’re losing control of someone else’s mind, they want what they believe they’re entitled to have. When we take our power back and walk away from them, this criticism to the narcissist‘s power and control over us dents their pride, so they seek to either win us back, as they prefer to love bomb and be admired. Still, they will also use the smear campaign to hurt us, to try and destroy us any way they can, in the hope they get that attention from us, they prefer positive, but as a last resort will take negative, especially when they are out for revenge.

4.  The belief they are special. The belief that they are special and even though they’ll have devalued and discarded many times, they believe that they are still the best you’ve ever had, when we go back, this confirms that belief within them, and when we no longer go back, this questions their belief, so they have to try and win us back to prove they are special or hurt us as punishment for questioning their uniqueness and walking away. They want to gain their power and control over us. If they can not control through their admiration face and love bombing, they’ll try to control through their envious face, through envy and placing fear into us, of what they might do next. They want to emphasise just how much control they believe they have over us and that we should just go back when they please. They learned all our strengths and weaknesses. They know all our flaws and insecurities. They will use the things we care for the most as these are what we’ll most passionately defend, or they’ll use what we’re insecure about to get us to hide away, to prove to themselves that they are special, and that they are superior, by either winning someone back or taking someone down.

5.   Grandiosity, because they have an unrealistic view of themselves, believing they are superior, as they invested their time in love bombing, idealising, devaluing, they believe they are in control. You walking away questions their grandiose view that they are better than all others, and there’s just no way you could live without them. Narcissists exploit people to meet their own need. They believe they should have certain benefits from others with minimal effort.

6.  Lack of empathy. They lack the compassion to care for how their behaviour affects you. They lack the guilt or remorse to care for your feelings. They only care about getting their needs met. Even if we beg or plead with them to leave us alone they don’t care, those with empathy and feelings such as sympathy, guilt, compassion and remorse, those who respect others would leave you alone, as a narc lacks these and feels entitled to do what they want when they want, they feel entitled to be a part of your life any way they can as and when they choose. Even people seeking revenge because they feel scorned would feel bad and leave you alone. However, a narcissist sees no reason to leave you alone, just because you asked, only when they feel their needs are not being met, why things like limited contact, no contact, no reaction are our best line of defence. The narcissist does not care for the pain they cause those around them. They don’t care if they’ve upset someone, they view that as your fault not theirs, and when they intend to hurt you, by you saying “you’ve upset me, you’ve hurt me, you’ve made me feel angry, you’re mean, I feel sad.” This gives our power to them, they know they can control how we feel, they know what pushes our buttons, and this is when you might see that smirk. That look of contempt as they got one over on us by hurting us.

7. Entitlement. Their significant sense of entitlement means they believe they are entitled to do as they want with who they want whenever they want, no questions asked, or they seek to devalue those who dare ask the questions, if you question their entitlement they might come after you until you fawn to their requirements, of if you stick with no contact, no reaction, Grey rock, eventually, they get bored and make up excuses of how you’re useless until then, they’ll most likely project onto you, to bait you into a reaction. Once they have that reaction, they’ll use it against you in their smear campaign.

8.  Requires special attention. If they’re not getting the attention, they believe they’re entitled they will go all out, to gain that attention any way they can, from discarding in cruel ways, to smear campaigns and to hoover you back in.

To get a narcissist to leave us alone, we must leave them alone.

When their pride and ego has been dented, when they feel like we’ve questioned their authority over us by walking away, is often when they’ll not leave us alone, the more we play their games, the more we react, the more they’ll continue to hurt us. We have to gain control of our emotions. Our reactions and no longer supply the narcissist, so they get nothing from us and leave us alone.

There are hurt people who help people. Then there are hurt people who hurt people, those who hurt you, you can not help them, you can not save them, they have to recognise their own behaviour and help themselves. You can help both them and you by safely walking away and no longer playing into their manipulative games.

Use their behaviour to learn how to handle your emotions the right way, to learn what your beliefs and values are and how to set those boundaries, to learn how you don’t want to be treated, to learn how to talk to yourself the right way, the love you tried to give them to help them, give to yourself to heal you.

No one deserves to be abused. However, we have a choice to either accept their abusive ways, to feel sorry for ourselves, to question why is this happening to me? Which keeps us unwittingly trapped within the cycle, or we can use it for what is this teaching me? What can I do to make my life happier.

We have to move away from the why is this happening to me. We have to move away from seeking revenge.

Normal feelings such as, resentment which is a feeling of disgust or a feeling of disappointment towards someone who has wronged us in some way.

The feeling of anger which is an intense emotional state that narcissists can provoke within us, as anger is our emotional response towards someone who’s threatened, exploited, or hurt us in some way.

The feeling of rage, which is an uncontrolled anger often resulting in us giving a hostile response.

These are all normal emotional feelings that narcissistic people can provoke within us, and can cause us to want to seek revenge.

Revenge is the conscious action to seek to damage or inflict harm on someone that’s inflicted damage or harm on us.

Karma, to know a person’s past caught up with them, so they can understand the pain they caused, to balance the scale.

Narcissists act on this anger and rage, often becoming obsessive in seeking revenge for things we haven’t done, for things they believe questions their beliefs that’s they believing they are superior and entitlement.

For us, the best revenge is learning to let go of any anger or resentment as those emotions are what keep us locked in our painful past, preventing us from moving on. At the same time, we seek revenge, they still have control over our emotions, while we give reactions, they still have control over our feelings.

It’s not easy to let go and move on, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it. This doesn’t mean their treatment of you was ok. This means your worth more. It means you’re taking back your power and your control. The best way to move on is by creating and living your best life.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. 

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Signs Of Narcissistic Parents And The Affects On You.

Having narcissistic parents can affect you as a child, it will often negatively impact your childhood, and when those childhood traumas at not healed it can impact your adulthood, as a child, you may not have felt loved, heard or seen, that your reality and feelings were not valid, that one or both of your parents treated you as an accessory and not a person, things like how you look is more important than how you feel. That your intellect is more important than emotions, that your sporting abilities are more important than the hobbies you’d enjoy. To keep your feelings bottled up, not to show emotions, to put up with things you shouldn’t have to put up with the whole.” stop crying before I give you something to cry about.

Signs your parent was a narcissist.

The image of the family home to the outside world was perfect. However, it didn’t match what it was like inside the family home.

There was lots of silence one parent always hushing you with ”you know what your mum/dad is like.” or one would sulk, and you felt like you could never approach them.

Your birthday and other special occasions, were always ruined. Or your parents would go overboard and find ways to make it all about them, as your parent always required the attention.

Your parents were never wrong. They would never admit fault. If they were, they would deny or pass the blame onto you. They would twist everything and never apologise. In a genuine way, if they did, it was twisted onto why it was your fault.

They never took your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board.

They would always put you down criticise how you looked, your friends, your choices etc. Insulted you.

They Gaslighted your reality.

They might have always taken you to the doctors for issues you didn’t ever have.

They would deny you love and affection unless you achieved something that they wanted you to.

You were not allowed to express your thoughts and feelings as your parents would use them against you.

They always lied to people or about people. They loved to put others down, claim how other families were inferior to yours.

They always took the credit for your achievements ”You get that from me.”

They would storm into your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy.

They would pity play and guilt trip. ”After all, I do for you.”

They wouldn’t listen or help with your problems, or you didn’t feel like you could talk to them, but they’ed expect you to listen to theirs.

They would ask you something then compare how much better or worse it was for them.

They were only interested in you, if they felt they had something to gain, they were extremely envious of you, and believed they were entitled to whatever you have, as narcissists will exploit others to meet a need of their own.

If they want something that’s yours, they feel entitled just to have it, as they have a lack of empathy, so have no regard to your feelings. ”what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is my own.” attitude.

If you said anything to them about them that didn’t like, they would intimidate, threaten you, scream at you.

The forgotten child, the golden child that always had to perform for your parents or the scapegoat always being blamed

You had to parent your own parents, take care of them, comfort them, not just because they were ill, all the time?

Everything was a competition between siblings, parents you always had to compete for attention.

Walking on eggshells around your parent for fear of reaction.

Rules you might have needed to follow to keep your parents happy.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent often means your reality was changed continuously on you, with gaslighting words of “It didn’t happen like that.” As the narcissistic parent wants to keep up the false image, and you shouldn’t question that image the whole “Do as I say and not as I do.”

That you had to keep the family image going to the outside world, you might have been told to lie about places you’ve been or things you have, told to speak positively about the family and you might have received threats such as “Stop that you’re embarrassing me.” Or “ Just you with until we get home.”

You might have never been allowed to make a mistake, and as people make mistakes when you did, you were told: “You’re such a disappointment.” Or you received those silent treatments, often the golden child, whereas the scapegoat would have received the blame for everything, ” You don’t get that from me.” Or “You’re so ungrateful.”

That you had to be perfect for what your parent’s idea of perfection was to be loved.

You had to act like an adult and take care of your parent’s emotional needs, “It’s not a big deal, grow up.” Or “You’re so selfish.” and things like “It hurts me more than it does you.” You might have done all the chores around the house, not chores to earn pockets money. You were just expected to do your parents roles or look after siblings.

Always getting those mixed messages, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” Or “Children should be seen and not heard.”

Narcissistic parents traits and the effects it can have on you.

Grandiosity, feeling like you can not do anything right, that you can not measure up no matter how hard you try, feeling like you’re not enough, feeling like a trophy and you can not measure up.

Preoccupied with themselves, feelings of having no value, developing a lack of self-worth.

Entitlement, feeling like your not important, and you’re only here to serve others exactly how they want. Feelings of embarrassment or shame when out with them and they’ve been rude to staff.

A belief they are special, a feeling like you have to please them to feel loved.

Arrogance, feelings of confusion, as they act like the perfect parent in front of others and the parent we would like, yet at home the sulk and ignore, only paying you attention if they want something from you.

Lack of empathy, bottling up emotions as you always felt misunderstood, or wrong for having what we’re normal emotions.

Envy, feeling embarrassed or ashamed if they spoke about your flaws, or if they spoke loudly about others flaws in front of you, feelings of not been enough when they would invalidate you.

Requires excessive attention, as your parent always needed the attention, either the vulnerable playing the victim, or grandiose been over the top, you might have felt like a shadow, and extension to them, only wanted when they needed you to help them, or they needed to use you to show off.

Exploitation, you might have always felt like you just were not treated right, perhaps not seeing why, but just seeing within the family dynamics that people were not treated as equals, they were treated unfairly and always to suit the parents need.

As you grow, you feel more valued for what you do for the parent rather than for who they are as an individual. You might throw yourself into achieving things, yet still not feel enough no matter how much you accomplish. You might try to seek approval from others.

Childhood trauma in adulthood can manifest as.

Whether the trauma is direct or witnessed childhood trauma can affect adulthood and manifest as.

Confusion, trying to forget the trauma completely, or trying to suppress emotions

Full of self-doubt, self-blame, people-pleasing, trying to help others, putting others needs before your own.

Not feeling enough, seeking external validation.

Accepting behaviour from others, you should have never accepted.

Having narcissistic partners.

Difficulty setting boundaries trying to keep others happy.

Living on high alert, fear of abandonment.

Often due to the stress of childhood trauma, can contribute to living with chronic illnesses.

Batting anxiety, depression, CPTSD.

You may feel criticised and judged, instead of accepted and loved.

You may not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.

Recovery.

Seeking the right support, one you feel happy and comfortable with, to work through past traumas. Working through any emotions.

Meditation and yoga are often found to be very helpful, as is exercise.

Trying those things you always wanted to as a child but never allowed, discovering you, your passions, your goals, your dreams.

Working through self-doubt, writing out how you talk to yourself, as it can often be how your parents spoke to you, picking up on that inner voice that doesn’t serve you and throwing out, creating a voice that lifts you up.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

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For the free course.

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To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

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The narcissists counter-parenting.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Limiting beliefs.

Don’t argue with a narcissist.

Self-doubt.

Self-esteem.

How Narcissists Control Through Fear.

How narcissists manipulate, so you fear them, and how to step over your fears.

A healthy fear of rational things is good to protect us, but use that fear to protect yourself the right way, never to keep you stuck in a place you shouldn’t be.

Fear is a powerful and natural human emotion, caused by the real or perceived threat of harm, danger, pain or threat.

Fear changes our behaviour such as taking flight, fleeing from the situation, or fawning, trying to please others to avoid confrontation, freeze, not moving forwards due to past events.

A narcissist gets you to fear them through many manipulative tactics, meaning you will conform to their demands out of fear. With subtle threats, that make you wonder if it’s a real threat? If they’re messing around? If they will act on this threat or leave it be? They do this on purpose, to confuse you, so you are worried about the threat. Still, at the same time, you don’t want to make a fuss, or you also fear if you speak out to the narcissist for fear of reactions, or speak out to other people, for fear they would not believe you, for fear they’d think you’re stupid, you might think you’re overreacting, as the narcissist will gaslight by downplaying their toxic behaviour and telling you, “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re overeating.” or things like “You are imagining things.” Or they say things like ”What would your parents say, what would they think of you.” You become fearful of those around you finding out.

You are not overacting any threat should be taken seriously, and you do not imagine things if it happened it happened.

The types of intimidation they use so we fear them. 

1. Isolation, things like using triangulation, so they are cutting you off from friends and family, making sure you have no support, taking your phone off you. Destroying your personal property or hiding passports, giving you no access to finances, or when driving in a car, they could start an argument, start threatening. Hence, there is no way out for you making it all the scarier. Taking you to isolated places

2. Causing arguments or drama, accusing you of not caring about them, keeping you busy, so you’re tired and drained, often creating arguments before you go out, accusing you of things you’re not doing, or when you get home. Hence, you begin to dread going out for fear of those consequences when you return, even going out with friends can cause anxiety as they might not overtly argue, they might continuously message while your there, they might want you to put you location setting on, they’ll explain theses away with “It’s because I care, I need to know you’re safe and you’re ok.” Or something similar. Then if we don’t do it or respond to those messages, they can guilt-trip us once home, so we feel bad. The next time we go out, we feel uncomfortable having to message them. Slowly the discomfort of letting friends down, losing out hobbies becomes less comfortable than just no longer making plans and just staying in, without realising that comfort zone is what’s causing us so much pain, we fear going out, we fear staying in, we begin to shut down, and the narcissist furthers their control.

3. Standing over you, looking down at you, or getting in your face, breaking things, smashing televisions, punching walls and doors, raising their voice, to get you to fear them. Covert threats of. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Or ” How will you afford to live without me.” Or overt threats like ” I’ll make you pay.” Or the “I will.” Followed with some form of punishment. “Things like. “You’ll never see the children again.” Or ” You’ll have nothing without me.” ”Who would believe you?” To stop you from doing something or leaving. Threatening to harm family members, pets so you fawn and give in to their demands for fear of what could happen to loved ones, the threat of not being able to find work when it comes to bosses with things like ”I’ll make sure no one employs you.” Pity plays of “I’ve got nothing without you.” So you go and help your parents out, don’t leave your partner. Again people not on the disorder can say these things. Usually, because they are, trauma bonded or genuinely believe they would have nothing without the narcissist. A narcissist says it to guilt-trip those around them into doing what the narcissist wants.

4. Restraining you, hiding keys. blocking doorways, locking doors, throwing your phone out of the window, taking your car, physically holding you back, often claiming “It’s in your best interest.” Anything to cause you to feel trapped with no escape, threats of “I’ll tell everyone you’ve done this.” Often using your biggest secrets against you, so you conform to the narcissist’s demands for fear of others knowing things you don’t want them to, causing you to feel trapped with no choice but to do as the narcissist says.

5. Aggression. There are many types of aggression they may use. Spitting, slapping, pushing past you, shoving, playfully sitting on you yet you’ve requested them to stop as they are hurting you, so they do it all the more, saying “You’re boring.” Or “It’s only a game.” Only it’s not a game to them, and it’s causing you pain, it is them trying to let you know they are strong, so you fear them. Things like making you feel guilty over saying no to sex and trying to guilt-trip you, or they may sulk to break down your boundaries and get you to change your mind. Tickling you but to the point it causes pain, and you know they are not playing. Hitting you with something, throwing things at you, hair pulling. Strangling, kicking, biting, burning, force-feeding or denying you the right to eat, shaking you, pinching you, punching you and many more. They will always find a way to justify their behaviour. It’ll not be a case of a person pushed to their limits, who understands this is not an excuse to hurt another, knows the error of their ways feels guilty and will never do it again, or a person throwing things to defend themselves (reactive abuse.) The Narcissist will find a way to twist all the blame onto you and see no fault in their own behaviour.

6. As those close to the narcissist become used to the behaviour and gain a level of tolerance to the abuse, the narcissist can recognise that if you haven’t fawned to their demands (fawn meaning complying to what they ask of you, walking on eggshells around them to protect yourself from further harm.), some will escalate their intimidation to verbal threats of killing you or your loved ones, physical violence becoming more regular often with the “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” And “who would believe you, you’re crazy. ”

Threats should always be taken seriously, always call the police and still find a safe way out.

Living under constant fear with a narcissist no matter what the extent, no matter who it was, parents, siblings, friends, bosses, partner, can have many lasting effects if we don’t handle our fears, from the fear of what they may do, the fear to be ourselves due to the constant criticism and put-downs, the fear of speaking to others for fear of reaction as our subconscious has been trained, we can become scared of talking to others, or when we try those words just don’t come out, fear applying for that job, painting that picture, taking that course because we’ve been intimidated and invalidated. Then when we try, and we make a mistake as everyone makes mistakes, those doubts arise. We can quit before we indeed got started. Good things take time. Great things take patience.

Losing your fear, after coming out of a narcissistic relationship, where you lived day to day on edge in anxiety mode and living in fear of what will happen next?

If you’re still in a relationship where you live in real fear of what will happen next, that is who they are. The fear you need to lose is the fear of leaving, think about what you want from life, think about your happiness, if your day brings drama and negativity from those around you, safely move away from those around you, it’s hard enough losing our own fears, without having others place fear into us.

Once out, you may have carried that fear from your past with you, living in fear, hurts our state of mind as we are not living in the present day of the hear and now, we are fearing events that have happened in the past or haven’t even happened. After a narcissistic relationship, this is normal, yet not helpful in our present or future.

Bringing yourself back into reality, never fearing the unknown. It’s ok to be prepared for events, but don’t dream them up to actually happen. Instead, manifest thoughts of great things that are going to happen, to make your reality a good one.

Similar to anxiety, when in fear, we can begin to hyperventilate, fear is our emotional response to fear, anxiety is our fight or flight reaction to our emotions of fear. Box breathing can help reduce stress, close your eyes, breath in slowly counting to four, taking the air into you lungs, calmly hold the breath in while counting to four, slowly exhale the whole breath while counting to four, and keep going three of four times and you’re starting to feel calmer.

Whatever is not happening right now, is in your mind. Your mind is your imagination, your past memories are memories of your past, yet as they are in your past, if they are not happening in the present, they are our imagination of our past, some of those memories are very real as they happened. However, we have to learn not to allow the pain of our history continues to cause us pain in our present as it’ll then cause us pain in our future.

Bringing our focus on the present and not on the bad things that happened in our past, or that could happen.

We have to learn to let go for our happiness. It never means someone’s mistreatment of us was ok. It means we no longer allow their mistreatment to impact our life.

Imagination is a powerful thing when used correctly, but you need to imagine great things.

Use any fear of the unknown to your advantage, use that fear to motivate yourself, fear is a product of your emotional mind, do not let it control you, learn to control your fear the right way, do not allow others to control you through fear, instead move away from those, people, take steps to protect yourself and enjoy your new life.

Fearing things that don’t exist in the present doesn’t benefit you.

Fearing change, you need to embrace that fear, you need to decide to make a choice of how you want to live, who you want to be, and how you are going to do it.

Though fear We can stay stuck in a place we were never meant to be, and staying stuck is a very uncomfortable place to be, facing fear to step out of your comfort zone, that’s not all that comfortable right now, to step into a new zone, where you can find your happiness.

On the other side of your fear, can come the most amazing and incredible things you’ll ever experience.

How to overcome anything in life you have to take the first step, then the next and the next, until before you know it, you’ve overcome it. Don’t look at the whole staircases; just take it one step at a time.

If your thinking “I can not.” Stop and look for something you thought you couldn’t in the past, yet you did it. Then tell yourself. “I can.”

Living in a relationship with real fear is not healthy, so if you’re still in it, embrace the fear of the unknown, find a safe route out. It will take steps, it will take work, but you will bring better things into your life, being free from the narcissist, will one day be the most amazing and incredible feeling, even if you don’t see it to start, being able to be yourself again and fill your life with happiness again.

Don’t allow fear to hold you back in places causing that fear, use it to move out of those places, all you need to do is take the step, into a new direction, baby steps one day, leaps the next, back to baby steps. Sometimes stepping sideways or taking one backwards, but get up and go again, keep taking those steps until you make it and once you do, keep taking those steps.

We all make mistakes, we all fall down, the beauty is to learn, to get back up and to go again and again until you make your dreams a reality. What if? Is no excuse, what if? Means you stopped yourself. What if? Is holding you back. Take precautions, get out safely, keep yourself safe, but never let those what-if moments stop you. It takes time it doesn’t matter if you stumble on your way out, or you’ve tried to leave a few times but failed, failure is better than nothing, just go again, until you understand it’s time to get out and start living for you.

Behind every fear is either a person you don’t want to be around. Or a person you now want to become.

That person who causes you fear, move away from safely.

That fear of leaving is preventing you from becoming who you indeed are.

When you fall down, you stand back up, when you release yourself from fear, you rise again.

Abuse is abuse, don’t make excuses, don’t rationalise, don’t accept being disrespected, no longer accept less than you deserve, and you do deserve better, no one is entitled to abuse you.

The first step is to take action, and you may need to plan a safe route out.

Once you are out, be cautious and be prepared, other than that, don’t let your fears hold you back, you’ve made the biggest step, now keep going, onwards and upwards.

When our minds wander to the past, we can stay stuck in the past, stop yourself and imagine your future as you want it to be for you, then take those steps to achieve, if we put our minds to it, then our actions to it, we can all achieve the life and the happiness we want, for ourselves.

There’s nothing wrong when you are out and trauma bonded feeling like you want them back, to face the fear to remember those hurtful times, to grieve and to cry, and to remember why you shouldn’t go back, once you’ve remembered why you need to stay away, remover the thought and focus on the present day.

The fear of telling those around you, if you want people to know, tell them, yet only tell them once, you’ll learn who’s willing to listen, help and be there for you, and who’s simply not listening to you, some people just do not care, others are too busy living life, and some are grateful it wasn’t them. You don’t need to explain yourself to all who will listen, all you need to do is be you if you want to tell your story to everyone, tell it, just don’t expect everyone to listen or indeed understand, it’s hard enough for those who’ve lived it to understand it. If you don’t want to talk don’t, just never let the pain of your past, keep you trapped in the past, don’t let the fear of judgment or the fear of being misunderstood stop you, know yourself that well, that others can never use you against you. If you want to tell just a couple of people to tell them, not everyone needs to know your business, unless you want them to, how you live is by what feels right for you.

Today and for the next five days, write out what you want out of life to be, like you’ve already got it, feel and imagine like you are already there, after the first day you write it, take a look at how you wrote it, any negative change, to things like, ”I am grateful.” ”I am happy.” ”I deserve.” ”I am elated.”

Don’t be afraid of asking for too much from your life, with a good heart you deserve the best.

Create a vision board of the things you’d like from your life, put it as a screen saver, or inside your wardrobe, somewhere you will look every day, so when days get hard, it reminds you what you are working towards. Acknowledge any achievement you make along the way.

Use your imagination to work for you, you can, and you will.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Self doubt.

Lies Narcissist Tell About Those Around Them.

Narcissist are very good at distracting us from the truth or lying about the truth to not only cover up for what they did, but also to gain sympathy from those around them, and they tell their stories with less confusion than those just coming away from a toxic relationship, as those walking away are left confused, often blaming themselves, full of self-doubts and trying to work out what’s been happening, however a narcissist knows in one aspect precisely what they are doing, exploiting people to meet a need of their own, sometimes what they are telling us just doesn’t seem right, yet we want to believe them, and the reason it doesn’t seem right is because they miss out the truth, they twist the story to meet their own need, and sometimes when we listen carefully we can hear those holes in their stories, but when they are telling us the ex is ”bitter and jealous and will not allow me to see my children.” and that ex has sent them some toxic messages which the narcissist has shown us, they just don’t show the part where they exploited the exes weaknesses to provoke anger and gain that reaction, as they don’t see their children, yet they miss out the part where they were having a negative impact on the children’s mental health, of where they let they children down and don’t bother with them, we don’t see the whole story only the part the narcissist wants us to see, we only hear their twisted tales of what they want us to believe.

So here are some common lies survivors of narcissist abuse have heard from the narcissist which can be part of their manipulative triangulation game, where the narcissist can play one person of against another to gain sympathy, to make you feel sorry them and help them achieve something or get one over on someone who you believe has hurt the narcissist. Or to divide and conquer.

No one is safe from the manipulation and triangulation.

“My husband/ wife or partner doesn’t understand me.” True the possibly don’t if they didn’t know about NPD the husband or wife will most likely be trying, while the narcissist is to busy trying it on with someone new.

“My wife/ husband or partner will no longer have sex with me.” could be real, they could be too exhausted from all the abuse, or the narcissist could no longer be interested but blaming the other half, or they could have a good sex life, but they don’t want you to know that, they want you to feel sorry for them.

“I’m sure who I’m with is cheating on me.” Projection as very often they’re cheating on that person with the very person they’re lying to, to make it seem acceptable that they’re with you when they have a partner, to make you feel sorry for them, who they’re with is most likely faithful, yet the narcissist will have told that person they’re jealous, to distract from what the narcissist is really doing.

“My ex is crazy.” The ex is just recovering from the very person who tried to send them that way and will do their best to send you that way, Some of the exes usually, do look and act crazy, if you’ve got out of a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll now know exactly why, and what the narcissist did to them to drive them to think and feel this way, when the exes come wanting to warn you, or wanting closure, as the narcissist has got their twisted truth in first you believe the ex is crazy, or jealous.

“My ex abused me.” often the narcissist abused them, they might have provoked some reactive abuse. Still, again they’ll miss out the part they played, the one who’s been abused would often tell both sides of the story, including the things the narcissist gaslighted then into believing was their fault.

“My ex is stalking me.” if the ex is chasing for answers, closure, divorce, child support, it could seem that way. Often the narcissist is Stalking the ex, to provoke those responses that they can then use to twist the story and manipulate.

“My children have no respect for me.” young children might have just not conformed mainly the scapegoat, older children might be recovering from childhood emotional abuse.

“My ex has turned the children against me.” the ex is most likely protecting the children or something like, “The ex made up lies about me because they are bitter, now I’m not allowed to see my own children.”

“My parents don’t understand me.” or the parents have has enough of being exploited.

“My parents always prefers my sibling.” The narcissist envy, no matter what the parents did for the narcissist, it wouldn’t be enough.

“My parents did nothing for me I was a mistake.” to gain attention an sympathy, as they believe they are special, they expect special attention from their parents, and when the parents don’t do as the narcissist says they sulk.

“My boss is horrible, ” or the boss will not do as the narcissist wants, the narcissist isn’t willing to put the work in.

“The Person I’m training up at work is useless, ” The narcissist feels above having to help others, others should just know.

“My neighbours have no respect.” The narcissist has no respect for their neighbours, but they have to twist the story to escape accountability.

“My friends always wants me to help them out.” usually because they want to get out of doing anything for their friends, or they can use as a decoy while they meet up with someone they don’t want you to know about.

“My children never ring to see how I am, ” They never call their children, if they do it’s usually past their bedtime or to inconvenience everyone as they feel entitled to do as they please and envious of those living life. Hence, they seek to disrupt any way they can.

“They don’t like me.” To get you to feel sorry for them.

“They are envious of me.” Usually, because the narcissist is envious of the very person, they’re claiming to be envious of them

“They talk about you behind your back.” To get you to lose your faith and trust in those you’re close to so they can isolate you from support.

Or they’ll use things like

“I don’t trust that friend of yours. They just use you.”

“Your parents interfere too much in our lives, we should move.”

“That friend of yours just gossips.”

All to divide and conquer, coercive control, so they plant the seeds of doubt within your mind, then they water them, so your the one who cuts people of thinking the narcissist is protecting you when they are sinking you.

“They borrowed a lot of money from me and never paid me back. Don’t talk to them; they are extremely dishonest.” The narcissist often did this to that person but didn’t want you to know the truth, so they’re triangulating so you don’t talk to them and discover the truth.

“I was set up.”

It’s to make them look like they are a right honest person and to make the other look bad. To gain control, to get sympathy, to get emotional reactions

They use the ex-partners for triangulation, the narcissist tells countless lies about the ex to you.

The ones where they tell you the truth about what happened with the ex, they just reverse the roles and explain what’s about to happen in your future to you—all without you even knowing.

The one where they say the ex trapped them. As the narcissist drip-feeds you lies of their past, with how well they are treating you during idealisation you believe a narcissist is a genuine person, they will say the ex trapped them, either how the narcissist’s ex just moved in with them and never left, or how the narcissists’ ex made them move in with them within not long of meeting, or the female narcissist will tell you the male ex got them pregnant, the ex messed with their birth control, or the male narcissist will say the female ex became pregnant really fast, to trap them.

The one where they say. Their ex’s behaviour changed toward them. They will also say, ” there ’s nothing wrong with moving fast when you’ve met the one when you’ve found your soulmate.” because of course, nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live, even though they claim this is what the ex did to them.

They will tell you the ex-abused them, how the narcissist gave it their all and got nothing in return, how the ex is obsessed with them, smearing the ex to you, also protecting themselves if the ex tries to warn you, as the narcissist got in their first, when you’re in the love-bombing stage you believe the narcissist to be genuine, so you feel sorry for the narcissist.

There’s the one when you’ve been together a while, where they tell you. They should have stayed with the ex, as the ex treated them far better than you do, the ex would have never treated them how you do, it’s all your fault, you charmed them away from the love of their lives, you trapped them. The ex, cooked better, parented better, looked better, they will tell you that they want to go back to the ex unless you try harder to be more like them, so you walk on eggshells, so you break down your boundaries and do things you wouldn’t normally do if the ex did this. They still left the ex, doesn’t matter if you do it, they’ll still leave you.

That they still love the ex, that they’ve released what a massive mistake they’ve made, you’ve made them realise what true love is, and they want to leave you and be with the one they truly love.

The ex loves and misses them, and the ex keeps trying to get back together with them, they’ll tell you not to worry, and they will handle it because they want to be with you as you treat them so well. This is to get you to up your game and give in to their demands.

Most of us go back a few times, and they might even have one that they always go back to, and always takes them back, listen carefully to the story’s they tell, watch for patterns in past behaviour and relationships.

Work on you, who you want to be, create new routines, new dreams and take those baby steps for a happier, healthier, more positive life.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Why do they hurt people?