Am I A Narcissist?

Part of discovering about the narcissist personality disorder, and learning everything you’ve been through, at some point has most of us questioning if we are the narcissist or not, so how can we tell?

Is it a case that we are all on some level a narcissist? Is it a case of healthy narcissism and destructive narcissism?

Most of us can have a trait or two, or we can at some point in our lives have acted narcissistic, which is what makes us doubt ourself, you do need at least five of the characteristics to be on the disorder, also when we are around negative, narcissistic people, their toxic energy can rub off on us, this does not make you have the disorder, just become aware of the people you have in your life. Someone once said, you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with if there’s any truth to that or no isn’t the point, but negativity breeds negativity, when we hang around toxic people, we can not drag them up, as all they’ll ever do is weigh us down.

It’s far easier to drag others down and far easier to be dragged down than it is to lift ourselves up.

The main things that define someone as having the disorder are lack of Empathy. Towards others, I say lack as they have some empathetic skills, they can think empathetically, cognitive empathy, this is when a narcissist will observe you being loving and kind. Mirror it back to you, they can observe how you react to certain things, so they can play the Victim to get you to put yourself in their shoes and want to help them, they use our empathy against us to help themselves, they have the empathy to care about getting their own needs met, they just lack genuine empathy in caring for those around them or the needs of those around them, so if you can feel for others, or you can put yourself in another’s shoes. You are not a destructive narcissist.

Another Characteristic, is an entitlement, so if you only feel entitled to have what you’ve earned, we are allowed to earn and achieve things in a positive, helpful way, we can serve others to receive, if you like cutting hair, you cut hair to receive payment, so you can then pay someone to provide food, if you enjoy driving a lorry, you deliver goods, in order to get paid so you can pay someone to cut your hair etc., give and take, if you’ve earned what you have in healthy ways, without manipulating others then you are not a narcissist. Narcissistic people like to take short cuts, which many people do, only those with the disorder will take down anyone who stands in their way, they’ll exploit others to get their own needs met, without care for who they’ve hurt.

Exploitation, a narcissist uses and exploits others to get their own needs met, to gain an advantage over others, they will treat others unfairly to advantage their own gains, so if you don’t go around taking advantage of others without a care for how this would make them feel, you are not a narcissist.

Jealous and envious. When they move straight on, it’s normal to feel pangs of jealousy when you’ve been through the Illusion of the manipulative Idealisation Stage With A Narcissist. Where they are Mirroring us and creating that Fake Future within our minds, and when they’re Gaslighting with “You’re crazy, You’re Jealous.” It’s easy to take their opinions of us on as our own opinions of us. If you don’t seek to destroy all others, if you have or are going through a stage of wanting Revenge And Karma On The Narcissist, after everything they put you though, this is also a normal human emotional reaction. It will pass, as most likely you would feel bad if you saw someone else in pain, it’s ok to be slightly pleased if you hear karma visited them, it’s ok also to feel sorry for them, it’s your life, so long as you find your happiness, and live with good intentions, there’s no wrong way or right way in how you feel, or what you do, in any given moment.

When someone is going somewhere, we would love to visit, we can be jealous, yet healthy narcissism means we are happy for those who are going. So we can hear of another person’s achievement and think. ”wow, I wish I was doing that.” yet be pleased for them and wish them well. Narcissists are Jealous and envious, with malicious intent to destroy, meaning they don’t think the other person deserves what that person has worked for, and the narcissist feels that person has stolen from them. Hence, the narcissist often seeks to ruin that person achievements, in many manipulative harmful ways. If you don’t seek to destroy others, (Many people can and do go through the woe is me Victim mindset, because we’ve been through trauma, that alone doesn’t make us a narcissist.

Requires excessive attention, connecting with others to feel heard and validated is normal, wanting closure is normal, it’s just sometimes we have to have that radical acceptance that things didn’t work out in the way we wanted or the way it was sold to us, that having it out with them, hoping they’ll understand, apologise to us, see the pain they caused, deliver on their promises, isn’t closure. The closure is letting them go, leaving them and their toxic behaviour in the past, and moving onto our future. We have to learn we are in charge of our happiness and creating our dreams, not easy granted, especially when they come at you with toxic Smear Campaigns. A narcissist wants attention to feel important, to feel in control and to feel special. So if you don’t go seeking attention to make yourself feel better and make others feel worse, you’re not a narcissist.

Special, it’s ok to feel special about yourself, to care for your looks, to be kind, to be humble, to reach back and help others, to do it because you care for those around you. It’s ok to feel good about yourself for doing so, you are special, a narcissist however only ever does anything for anyone else to meet a need of their own, they feel like they are above and better than all others, they don’t reflect and question their own behaviour, they blame everyone else, so if you blamed yourself, through their toxic Blame Shifting, if you can reflect you are not a narcissist.

Grandiosity? The narcissist charm is used to manipulate those around them for their own gain. A narcissist often feels great rage if criticised, and this isn’t genuine confidence, what they actually are is arrogant, which can at first come across as confidence.

Inner confidence is knowing who you are, who you want to be, so the toxic words of others no longer impact your life. Knowing you define you, looking at constructive criticism, yet not worrying about the judgement from others, this is your life for you, not for others to bring you down. You define who you are.

We can learn to love ourselves, yet not use that love to destroy others, use it to build others up.

We can be confident within ourselves, which is a must to feel more fulfilled, yet we don’t want, need or feel better than others. We believe everyone is unique, which is healthy narcissism.

Where they copy and reflect back to us our hopes, dreams, hobbies, Personality, to build that rapport, they do this on a conscious level, mirroring is what people do on a subconscious level, to build that bond with those around them, yet, usually with two people not on the disorder they’ed stick to their beliefs, narcissistic people do it to take us down and use us against us, we can then through their manipulative Projection, start mirroring their toxic behaviours onto them, especially when they provoke us, and in that idealisation and with their mirroring, they’ve learned all about us, to know exactly what buttons to push to get our Reactions, so they can them Blame everything on us.

In recovery we can think the way in which we are treating them is now narcissistic, I’m all for treat people how you want to be treat, but when people disrespect you, hurt you, lie to you and cheat on you, it’s ok to treat them on the level of their understanding, no not to go cheat on them, that’s to hurt another with intent to pay them back, and most narcissists wouldn’t be bothered. You’d just end up feeling worse. More:-

Silent treatment and no contact.

The narcissist uses the Silent treatment cause you pain, the silent treatment is psychological abuse, to get you to doubt yourself, blame yourself and do all you can to make it up to the narcissist to relieve yourself from the pain, the silent treatment is used to hurt you.

No contact is not to cause them pain, and it’s not to get them to come running and apologise, it’s not used as a punishment, it’s to kindly walk away from someone who continues to let you down and hurt you, it’s to protect yourself from the narcissists negative, toxic, hurtful ways. 

Discard and ending the relationship.

The narcissists Discard is often done in the cruellest and sometimes calculating ways, often when you least expect it or when you needed them the most, again this is seemingly done to cause you as much psychological pain as possible, 

When you end the relationship as hard as it is, because often as hurtful as they are you care, you want to help them. You end the relationship because you know the long term pain of staying is worse than the short term pain of leaving, it’s not done to hurt them, it’s done to save yourself.

The narcissist hoover, when you want or take the narcissist back.

The narcissists’ Hoover or re-idolisation is done because they want something from you, not because they love or care, as they lack in genuine empathy to be able to care for you genuinely, the narcissist wants something from you.

You took them back or wanted them again due to the Trauma bond, caring for them and wanting to help them, wanting to make the relationship work. 

With our human needs, in our subconscious, whatever we do in any minute of any day it is fulfilling our own needs. Any action, emotion or feeling is driven around our human needs.

Our drive is our subconscious human needs. Love and connection, contribution, growth, uncertainty, certainty and significance. These can be met negatively, neutrality or positively.

A narcissists world revolves around themselves on a conscious level, they are fulfilling their needs only, and always looking for the quick, easy fix so needs are meet negatively. They negatively fill their human needs, meaning they always circle around in their own inner unhappiness, never contributing to others in a positive way, only if they have something to gain by doing so, never growing in a positive way and always circling around the Same miserable patterns of the lives they’ve created for themselves.

People who are not on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, subconsciously the world also revolves around themselves. Yet they contribute to others in a positive way, not knowing its actually fulfilling their own needs. It makes them feel good helping others, yet it’s done with good intentions and a kind heart.

So a destructive narcissist is negatively fulfilling their human needs, as it’s easier and quicker. Yet, they forever cycle around those same old patterns never fulfilling them the positive way, leading and extremely unhappy negatively life.

Some people can have high levels of narcissism traits in all areas, yet still, have empathy. Does this make them a narcissist, that depends they are not entirely as they are not on the spectrum, yet if they meet these needs in quick fix destructive ways, it does make them extremely negative, and extremely toxic, you can still be around these kinds as they are not always dangerous, so you just need to limit your time, understand where you think on a gallon level, they are only capable of thinking on a pint-sized level?

Some people are confident, take selfies, most people lie, yet they do so to protect someone, most of us like to call these white lies and those who do often feel guilty and horrible afterwards. Someone on the disorder which lies does it to protect themselves only, and only feels shame if someone finds out. They do not feel guilty.

Humans have a fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode to protect themselves, those on the narcissist personality disorder, somewhere most often due to childhood trauma turned to Fight mode. To defend themselves not understanding it’s only detrimental to their happiness, it becomes a way of life, and the more they protect themselves, the more they destroy others.

Those not on the disorder when around a narcissist might go into fight mode, not realising you’ve been manipulated and provoked you may lash out at the narcissist, does this make you a narcissist? No, this makes you human, with a defensive mechanism. Some of us do manage to avoid going into flight mode if we’ve not been manipulated too much and get out fast, some freeze and stay stuck never changing never growing, until one day they get sick and tired of being sick and tired and leave, others fawn, unwittingly giving in to the narcissist’s demands, for fear of what will happen to them if they were to stand up to the narcissist.

Abuse is abuse, so if someone is abusive towards you. Mental or physical, you need to stay clear if they are a narcissist or not.

Some toddlers have narcissism as do some teenagers, and it’s a healthy part of growing up. Yet they are not a narcissist, and they are not on the narcissist personality disorder.

So no we are not all on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, yet most of us carry traits of narcissism, those who do in a healthy way are not on the disorder. Those who hurt others and destroy others are abusive people we need to stay away from.

If it’s detrimental to your mental and physical health, you need to safely remove them from your life, No Contact or Grey Rock. Those who are not harmful and you can see them for what the are, you can just limit contact.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Reactive abuse.

The difference between a narcissists behaviour and our recovery.

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The Narcissists Mirroring.

Why do narcissists mirror you?

All too often within a narcissistic relationship, through their manipulative Idealisation stage, we think we fall in love with them. Yet, we end up falling In love with ourselves, not that we realise that at the time, and for a long time after as we slowly lose who we are within the relationship. As we pass, our hopes, our dreams, our hobbies and our personality onto them, while they slowly take us apart via their manipulative Devaluation of us. We project who we are onto them, and in the start, they project what we want onto us, then that project what we are not onto us, often why many of us question when we start learning about the narcissist personality disorder, Am I The Narcissist?

When they seem to good to be true, it might be because they are. When they put on their Admiration Face because they want attention, when they like all your likes, dislike all your dislikes, love all your hobbies, and you have everything in common with them.

What mirroring is?

Mirroring is what many people do on a subconscious level, when people imitate, speech patterns, gestures, body language etc. of others, to build a rapport with someone by using non-verbal signals. It often goes unnoticed between two parties, when people see us for who we are and when we can see them for who they are.

Mirroring is an integral part of the day to day life, mirroring helps establish connections with others, leading to a better understanding of each other and greater friendships.

What mirroring shouldn’t be, more a narcissist copying.

When a narcissist mirrors, it’s done on a conscious level as they study their targets to purposefully reflect back what their target wants to hear, often accompanied by Future Faking. Some will stalk our social media. Others will ask friends and family about us. They are literally gathering data. As a narcissist lacks in their own authentic personality, they are testing yours. They want to build your hopes up, which creates the Trauma Bond. So when their mask slips and their envious face comes out in full force, they will then Project their negative qualities onto us, so we doubt ourselves, they downplay their toxic behaviour, and exaggerate things we haven’t even done, to get us to conform to their demands and walk on Eggshells around them.

Mirroring is simply an Illusion as the narcissist sells us those dreams of what we want to hear, and once hooked, they begin to Devalue us in horrific ways. Still, as they’ve given us the hope of the illusion when they mirrored us in the idealisation, we don’t see what’s truly happening and do our best to bring that person we first met back. Yet, while in that mirroring stage the narcissist has also learned the things that matter to us the most, and they use these against us to provoke our Reactions or to hurt our feelings, so they can twist the story to blame it all on us, they use our own insecurities against us. Then they Project, narcissists projection is a mix of their manipulative Gaslighting and their manipulative Blame-shifting as they go all out distracting you from the truth, as they do their best to cover the truth with distorted lies, as they hide the truth of their toxic, hurtful, negative behaviour from you. At the same time they get you to doubt and blame yourself and take on the responsibility of the narcissist’s actions, they get you to defend yourself to them for how you think of feel due to their hurtful ways, so they escape accountability, so they remain in control, and so they get away with their actions time and time again, while slowly sinking you under their trance.

Through mirroring they find something out about you, to then use it against you to create self-doubts within your mind, so if you were cheated on in a previous relationship, they’ll happily cheat on you and use ”You’re to hung up on your past.” to Gaslight you into not looking at what’s genuinely happening in your present and instead focus on your past, they will reinforce with things like ”You’re insecure.”

When they are mirroring us at the beginning they treat us better than anyone ever has, they understand us like no one has understood us before, we connect with them, there mirroring of us opens our attachment system.

Humans have a natural attachment system, and this is a neurobiological system. Which drives humans to bond with other humans, the attachment system is an emotional bond that is often formed at birth, where infants attach to their primary caregivers so that they can get their basic human needs met, as babies we are dependent on our primary caregivers to get our human needs to be met, fed, changed, loved etc., this then develops into the needs for social acceptance, emotional, and cognitive development. Humans need for contribution, love and connection and significance, meaning we need to connect with other humans, but to also contribute to other humans, and connect with things more significant than ourselves, why healthy mirroring is usually two people on a subconscious level.

When the attachment system is opened within a mother and baby relationship, through skin contact, eye contact, then mirroring the actions and energy, and the mother can soothe and take care of the infant. Forming an emotional bond within the mind.

Empaths have an attachment system that’s extremely easy to open when they connect with other people, and empaths are very good at feeling another’s pain and seeing others perspectives and trying to help those they are close to. As empaths are naturally tuned into other people’s needs and feelings, even if unaware on a conscious level, it’s easy to get sucked into a narcissists games when they are mirroring you with such purposes intent.

A narcissists attachment system works. Differently, the narcissist has no sense of self, believing they are special and above others, and that others are just an extension of themselves, so there is no two-way energy flow of giving and taking, they can do this in the start of the relationship as they pick up the empaths energy. They know how to extract sympathy of the empath, what to say to gain attention, so the narcissist is like a parasite feeding off the empaths positive energy and using the empaths positivity to copy and pass back the empaths energy. They study us, copy us, and show us ourselves.

As their attachment system doesn’t open and they lack empathy to care, these are two of the many reasons they can hurt others, use others, then just up and walk away when they feel their needs are not being met.

A narcissist mirroring is cruel and calculated, they don’t do it to get to know you for you, they do it to manipulate and use you against you.

When around these toxic negative individuals we can begin to mirror their toxic behaviour, onto them and onto others, our personality becomes confused, and our subconscious is programmed to behave in ways we wouldn’t normally do, often due to the narcissists Blame Shifting and Projection. Why many of us can question if we are the narcissist, no you do not have the disorder, just like negativity breeds negativity, we subconsciously pick up on their toxic traits due to many things including mirroring their toxic behaviour, that person we see that’s good in them, the one who idealises us, the one who love bombs us, the one who enjoys all the things we do, that is us we see within them as they are mirroring us.

When we are questioning our behaviour things we’ve done, that we wouldn’t have done had we known differently at the time, when we reflect on ourselves and who we became during the relationship, the part of us we didn’t like, that is them, that’s who they are.

That person we are left as in the end, the one where we no longer have and passion for life, where we question if we are crazy, where we have to overcome some enabling behaviour when we defended them as we believed what they were saying to be true. That deep down is them, yet they put the admiration face on, and they go and mirror someone else, to hide themselves and those around them from their true selves. They have a disorder it’s who they are and what they do.

We can break the cycle. We can leave, we can move out of the brainwashing they put us through, see clearly heal, and become ourselves again, find our happiness again. If you had narcissistic parents, you are now aware, and you can live the life of your dreams created by you.

Think of something you really enjoy or have enjoyed doing in the past, something you enjoy chatting about and look at ways of getting back into that, where you’ll meet like-minded people, where you can start living for you and the things you like to do.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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The narcissists illusion.

Future faking.

Covert Or Overt Narcissist.

The difference between a covert and overt narcissist.

The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and can only officially be diagnosed by a professional, those who have the disorder are difficult to spot as they can manipulate the best psychologist, some have even dated them. Personally, if you’re a survivor of abuse, physical, psychological or both, whatever they are, you have every right to judge someone you know as toxic, if they lack empathy, if they exploit others, if they’re self-entitled, if they harm others without remorse you don’t need a professional diagnosis. Learning about the disorder often gives us survives the answers we never got from our abuser, it provides us clarity and closure, as we just can not understand how, or why someone could be so cruel to another, why we didn’t see, or why it took us so long to leave, why we accepted their treatment of us as normal, which was far from normal. To have the disorder, they would need five of the nine Characteristics. However, someone with four can be equally as toxic to be around, and those on the disorder are individuals, it is on a spectrum.

Experts, psychologists, and survivors have discovered three main types and four subtypes, with more and more words being used for these.

Types

Subtypes.

We are now hearing, communal, neglectful, benign, stubborn, entitled, status, control freak, and those seeming to be all of the above.

If their main character trait is requires excessive attention. If they have the power and success to match you could be dealing with a classic grandiose; especially if they are big on their looks and sexual conquests, you could be dealing with a somatic grandiose narcissist. If they have the homes, cars, following to match, you could be dealing with a very arrogant overt, grandiose, somatic narcissist, as they can afford to be outrageous with their arrogant behaviour, as they have people around them in support of their alter ego.

If their main character trait is requires excessive attention, but they have a high IQ’s and never understood physical appearance. They could use their mind more to manipulate those around them. You could be dealing with a malignant as they have the intellect to manipulate people and find alternative ways of forging friendships, If they are shy, and haven’t achieved much in life a vulnerable, Covert Narcissist.

They can, and they do cross over—an overt narcissist. Overt meaning done or shown openly, can and will act in covert ways. Covert meaning not openly acknowledge or displayed. All narcissist will act covertly at some point or another, as narcissist lie, and lie and lie to cover up their lies.

Them not telling you something is just the same as lying.”

“They don’t lie to protect your feelings. They lie to save themselves.”

A covert and an overt can cross over in personality types, although they will lean more towards one, overt or covert are both narcissistic, and both manipulate for their own goals.

If someone lacks Empathy, if they continue to Break promises and let you down, if they seem extraordinarily Jealous and envious to the point they destroy others, whoever they are, you need to get out and stay out safely.

Putting a name to why they do what they do helps, also hearing about one type and that not matching what you were dealing with can be confusing, especially at the start when you’re trying to lose the brain fog and get clarity as to what you’ve been through. Learning the types helps. However, abuse is abuse, and there is no excuse, yes, they know their behaviour is wrong. Otherwise, they would act the hurtful ways they do around all; they wouldn’t try to hide it or play endless Mind games to control others. They wouldn’t Gaslight to confuse those around them, and they wouldn’t lie.

Narcissist personality disorder, is on a spectrum, we can all have a trait or two of narcissism, meaning someone can be confident and achieve success in life, yet they have not destroyed others to get there, they care for others and are not a narcissist, some people can have quite a few, but it doesn’t make them a narcissist, more a toxic person, fool, idiot or just a twit.

You can have people with BPD, that isn’t a narcissist or someone who’s suffered past trauma, most people have suffered from. A traumatic experience in their lives, but not all that have then go around destroying others, many heal and reach back to help others, and unfortunately some try to help narcissistic people, to their own detriment.

I was that busy helping you. I didn’t see you were destroying me.”

Covert.

Coverts can seem ok, some well mannered, some polite.

Then as time goes by, something just doesn’t seem right, you just can not seem to communicate with them.

They are not loud, and in charge like you might think someone with the disorder would be.

In the beginning, they don’t tend to be argumentative, but over time, you notice they seem to have a sense of entitlement, and superiority, just not as in your face as you’d expect a narcissist to be. You feel like they are approachable after the Idealisation stage but not overly sure.

The more you get to know them, you notice, they hate feeling vulnerable, and hate any weaknesses been known to others, as you get to know more about them, when you see any humanity or flaws in them, they go on the attack with blame and shame towards you and your faults.

They shut down and withdraw, you just suddenly get the Silent treatment out of nowhere, often leaving you wondering what just happened, there’s a lack of empathy with them, they come across as cold and not interested in you, they just don’t care about you.

They seem almost smug, it’s their way or no way, they come across as a very misunderstood, special person, who knows what others think or feel, and you just don’t understand them,

Lots of Passive-aggressive behaviour, you’ll more often get the silent treatment, sulking off, cutting you mid-sentence, making promises and failing to deliver, often walking on Eggshells around them.

Everyone who manipulates tries to do it under the raider, so Overt narcissists are equally underhand with it, coverts are often the shy narcissists.

They have a lack of confidence and more self-doubt.

The covert narcissist can come across shy, empty, depressed, low energy, you’ve probably got people saying, they’re not quite right, something not all their with them, they have grandiosity on the inside, but the feel ashamed about it. If they get stressed, they might even have some anxiety.

They will be very vulnerable in front of you, gaining sympathy emotions, they will want you to feel sorry for them. They might look very dramatic when they are looking for sympathy.

They believe they have a right to everything, and they are self-entitled, they do believe they are special. They have no empathy, think they are better than all around them, yet at the same time, believe they are not good enough.

They are very arrogant and will not apologise, only if it’s twisted around onto you.

They are people who try to come across as perfect, who are morally superior.

Coverts will guilt trip others as much as they can.

Things like. “ I’ve got no money, but I really, really need to get this, that or other.” They might not directly ask. If they are ill, they’ll want a tone of sympathy. Often making those around them, feel guilty.

They will always play the victim. Even if there is evidence, they will Twist, so they are the victim.

They pass all their, insecurities onto their main partner.

Coverts are the ones who will say. “Are you really going to wear that?” or “I wouldn’t bother doing that if I was you.” They rarely directly Invalidate at you, most often it’s underhand and extremely hurtful.

Overt.

Overt narcissism these are usually the grandiose narcissist but not always. They are arrogant, boastful and they can be exhibitionist, easily offended to criticism and rage is close to the surface they have grandiose behaviour, they are demanding of specialised treatment, they want to be and will often be known as the best at everything, they really need to be recognised for their uniqueness, believing they are superior to others. Their personality is exploitative and very ruthless in gaining power and control. They have the potential to be a public figure and often but not always have power and money, always at the expense of others. A lot will not secure success, and will simply make up great story’s and lie or exaggerate about their achievements in order to gain the recognition that has never been earned.

Overt and covert narcissists have deep feelings of unworthiness. The overt narcissist will diminish, slander and Intimidate, people just because of their own Jealousy and insecurities they have very high levels of distrust believing, probably because of how untrustworthy they are.

Overts often believe themselves to be better than others, and they usually have an army of people who agree, so they are more outrageous and obvious in their ways. Both overt and covert lack a conscience and will project their own fears insecurities and damaged inner self on to others by lying, manipulating, withholding or abandoning. In fact, whatever tactic they can master to get any sort of reaction from you.

Overts can cheat, but often they have enough people sucked into their lies, or reliant upon them, those around them make them feel special on a more continuous basis, so they feel less need to cheat. However, they are human, so they are as capable of being a serial cheater, just like the Covert, and both are capable of staying faithful, although this is rare.

Overts as most narcissistic people do, believe they have a right to everything, and they are self-entitled, they do believe they are special. They have no empathy, think they are better than all around them, and they believe they are good enough.

Overts are, extremely self-centred and extremely stubborn.

Overts are the more obvious narcissist, as most often have no self-awareness and are oblivious to the impact they have on those around them. They just rule through love or fear, so people don’t stand up to them.

They can come across as very confident and fun to be around, this is often us mistaking their arrogance as dominance, narcissistic people are rarely humble.

They will still play the victim when needed.

They are manipulative,

The tell countless lies,

They exaggerate their achievements,

They will manipulate anything, everything and everyone.

They feel superior to others.

They have a sense of entitlement.

They have a very inflated ego.

They dominate and exploit, lying and cheating their way to the top.

They see others as an extension of themselves.

They are extremely dominant and very charming, which draws people to them, they easily seduce, and when their needs are no longer being met, they move quickly onto the devaluation and discard phase.

When their attempts to exploit others aren’t successful, or their demands and self-entitlement are not being met. They have anger and rage. They will destroy others that don’t conform to their demands.

They can be prone to boredom.

They are extremely jealous of others and very egotistical.

Overt Narcissist is very grandiose very in-your-face and very assertive.

They are impulsive and big risk-takers.

They will exaggerate their achievements.

The first sign that something is wrong is as soon as you start googling someone’s behaviour, when there is something you don’t like about how someone is treating you, or treating those you love, so here you are looking for information of what’s just happened, or what has happened in the past. You’ve turned into a detective, not only if you’re still in the relationship, but if you’ve got out, trying to work it out.

The best thing to look out for is, do they seem entitled, even if they don’t act it? Do they seem to exploit others? Do they lack in empathy? Do they put others down? Do they seem jealous of others? Do you feel like you’re losing or you’ve lost who you are? Do they seem to put you down? Do you feel uncomfortable around them? Is your anxiety levels rising? Do you start things with “This might sound stupid?” Even if you’re not dealing with someone on the disorder, you’re dealing with a toxic person, and you have to decide for yourself to find a safe way to step away.

Rule one if you have doubt, there probably is no doubt, and they are a narcissist if you are doubting if you are because you’d react, and it takes two to tango, no because you have empathy, you loved hard, you hurt hard. Reactive abuse is not the same as abuse, no one deserves to be manipulated or hurt, you are a good caring person who likes to look for the good in others, and there’s no wrong in that, just learning behaviour you will and will not accept from others, From now on, so I People do things you don’t like, leave them to it and find people who love you for you.

Also, if you never used to think anything was wrong with you, and you never used to question if you were a narcissist, being around a narcissist, was what got you questioning yourself, almost everyone that has been around a narcissist, will at some point question themselves when they look for answers.

Recovery.

You might question “, but they can be so nice.” Those on the cluster B personality disorder Narcissists, borderlines and histrionics have a Disorder, they are not healthy people who switch it on when they feel criticism, anger or stress, this is who they are.

Coming out of any form of relationship with a narcissist often leaves us in a state of disbelief, usually because of our own perceptions, values, beliefs, kindness, trust in others, making allowances for mistakes, with the help of their gaslighting, blame-shifting, the silent treatment and projecting their faults onto us. We rationalise, make excuses, blame ourselves and give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again, or through fear of reactions, fear no one will understand, help or believe us, and if you’ve been isolated, fear of being alone can also keep us trapped in the cycle of abuse.

When we finally awaken from the trance they put us under and finally break free for good, it can seem like a never-ending mountain to climb, and we are drained emotionally, physically and financially. Often with the narcissist still playing games.

Here are some top tips for practising daily, even when you take a step or two back, get up and go again, you will find your inner happiness, freedom and a new life for you.

1. Be patient and kind to yourself, and it takes time, work and effort from within yourself. If you’ve slipped up and reacted to them, had a knockback, or just a bad day, it’s ok these things happen, deal with the emotions, then move on from that moment as it is now in your past.

2. Create new routines for you; sometimes we miss the routine we had, starting new ones for yourself, realising you now only have to answer to yourself and do what’s right for you.

3. Release the toxicity out of your mind, and when we’ve been around these people, they poison our minds, then our subconscious starts to work against us. Get help, support groups, find and connect with others who’ve been their, best friends, family, reach out and find someone to help you. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, support groups, coaches, psychologists, EMDR treatment to release it all from your mind, then work on building your mind to think how you want to, look for the positive, no matter how big or how small and keep going, keep achieving more.

4. Accept and acknowledge the truth, then forgive yourself. You have to realise you were manipulated and duped by an extremely toxic person, who just wanted to use you for your good qualities, they do not care for you, they just want to hurt you, your forgiving kind and generous traits were used against you, being a good person is nothing to be ashamed of, learning to say no will become a deal-breaker with these kinds of people in the future.

5. Set Boundaries and stop all contact, Grey rock if you can not do no contact. At the start it’s going to be really hard, you will have withdrawals, keep going it gets easier. Do it now. You have to go through the withdrawals no other way, it’s far better to do it now, than in ten years time, after withdrawals you will reclaim your happiness.

7. Shift your focus, and you will go through a period of time where you are drawn into your past, they will be running through your mind, the pull of the trauma bond, you might still need to work out some of your past, set aside time to do so, don’t let it steal your present day.

8, Replace that void, that they leave behind, with new activities, new friends, anything, just get yourself busy, and keep going so you don’t go back. Sometimes it’s not the person you miss. It’s the routine you miss.

9. When you’re having down moments, put some uplifting music on, or call someone close to you, yoga, meditation or exercise, watch something funny that makes you laugh.

Remember It is not your fault, and no one deserves to be treated this way.

You are now more aware of yourself and educated on life itself, create new visions and dreams for you, take those steps to make these happen, the possibilities are endless, and you never know how far you can go. When you feel down focus on how far you’ve come, even if that’s just getting out, changing one thing can change everything for you.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Abuse By Proxy.

How narcissistic people abuse others by using others to do their dirty work, flying monkeys, enablers, and their smear campaigns.

”No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist whose losing control of someone else’s mind.”

When a narcissist feels they are or have lost control of someone, even before they’ve lost control. To keep control over another, they can enlist Flying Monkeys. They can Triangulate, and they can embark of their mass Smear Campaign Against You.

If they can a narcissist will gather an army of Enablers to unwitting help the narcissist’s abuse of you. Abuse by proxy, where the narcissist will create situations where abuse is inflicted on another not done directly via the narcissist.

They can gather their friends and yours, their family and yours, authorities, neighbours, work colleagues, they can manipulate anyone, their new partners, even your children’s teachers to unwitting help with the narcissists’ abuse of you.

The narcissist will often control these people how they once controlled you, through many manipulative tactics, often they will Idealise just like they do in a relationship, they will Twist the story to play the victim. They will Intimidate those around them to gather an army of supporters, through love, fear or hope. Often using Future Faking. With those around them to get new partners, new members of staff with the workplace, sibling to help with their abuse of you.

The narcissist will use Coercive Control. They will Stalk. They will threaten. They will harass. They will Provoke. They will even use a simple Conversation. They will use any manipulative means possible to keep control over another person life.

Abuse by proxy often starts within the relationship with a narcissist, whether that narcissist is a friend, boss, parent, partner, whoever they are in your life, and will continue long after the relationship is over.

Some examples of abuse by proxy.

Isolation.

Not only isolating people from friends and family, through smear campaigns, or getting their target to walk on Eggshells around the narcissist, so they dare not go out and often end up isolating themselves.

Financial.

Financial Abuse is often used by an abuser, so their target becomes dependent on the abuser, then once out this abuse can continue, through family courts, through not supporting any children, through sabotaging jobs, calling employers, ex-bosses, smearing your name so no one will employ you, or so no one goes to you for business.

Children.

They don’t co-parent, they counter-parent, they don’t care for the damage caused to a child’s mind, so long as they are getting at you.

A narcissist will use their Children. To further control and abuse their target, and they end up abusing their children too.

Creating negative situations.

They will call bosses, smear your name to as many as they can, take you in and out of the court system, anything they can to create toxic, negative shituations, for you to overcome.

Triangulation.

Through triangulation, they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they gaslighting people into doubting themselves and shattering people’s self-worth. When they triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening, and most of the time, neither party knows the truth.

Conversations.

When we’re happily discussing something, then we either don’t agree with their point of view, or they feel criticised, or we’ve asked them about something they didn’t want us to know about. So to gain control and win as that’s what narcissists want to win and be in control. They’ll suddenly switch the conversation onto something else. Usually, something we’ve done wrong in their eyes, or something we haven’t done for them, or they will chip away at one of our insecurities. They project out loads of word salad to provoke us, confuse us, hurt and upset us. Suddenly we’re in defensive mode, and the original conversation had disappeared, then we get blamed for everything for defending ourself. Or we are reduced to tears, and they’ll sit back almost looking pleased and watch you cry, while still blaming it all on you.

Provoking.

To help with their smear campaigns, they will use peoples, insecurities, weakness, and even strengths to push people to their limits. We all have our limitations, they will push people’s buttons until they React, they will often do this, so others don’t see how they provoked, yet, they all have an audience for your reactions, they’ll deny or downplay any of their behaviour and exaggerate all yours.

They are recruiting reinforcement.

They will lie and smear other people the Smear Campaigns they will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions become an enabler and helping the narcissist bully and destroy others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.

Flying monkeys.

The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. “ the wizard of oz.” when the witch sent out her flying monkeys to do her dirty work.

Flying monkeys are people who act as a third party on behalf of the narcissist, to further abuse the narcissists’ targets.

Flying monkeys can be anyone, the narcissist’s parent, child, partner, friend yours or theirs, any family members.

The narcissist wants others to carry out orders. Flying monkeys will spread gossip, lie, threaten you, stalk you, often with the narcissist seemingly looking like they have nothing to do with it.

Enablers.

Enablers are people who will help the narcissist achieve their aim, they will most often unwittingly, defend the narcissist, support the narcissist, help the narcissist, an enabler is a person the narcissist recruits to their side. They might not always agree with or defend the narcissist, yet they put up with their behaviour or stick up for them and even bail them out. People usually unwittingly become enablers to the narcissist and often don’t typically have a malicious motive, they can genuinely think they are doing the right thing by the narcissist or that they are trying to keeping the peace, some can become enablers out of fear the narcissist has instilled into them if they don’t conform to the narcissist’s demands, so they have turned to the survival mechanism Fawn, meaning they will go along with what the narcissist says, for fear of what would happen to them if they didn’t. Others often believe the narcissists lies and think they’re helping the narcissist when, in reality, they are enabling the narcissist to do their worst. Then we have the narcissists family members who will do anything to protect their family, they either believe the narcissist to be innocent, or they are narcissistic themselves and running in a pack in order to protect the family name.

The smear campaign.

The narcissist uses the smear campaign so that they can keep their toxic behaviours hidden from society, so we look like we’re jealous and either wanting the narcissist back, or wanting to seek revenge on the narcissist, they use the smear campaign to make us look like we’re crazy or obsessed with them, they will either play the hero that tried so hard to help us, and we are often left looking and acting depressed a shell of our former selves, or they’ll be playing the victim of how we’ll no longer allow them to see their children or that we abused them, they’ll exploit others by using their empathy against them. They’ll be telling all those who’ll listen, everything that they did to us, only they’ll be making out to others that we did to them. So they shift the blame and walk free, from any responsibility.

Stalking.

Stalking is when the narcissist is trying to intimidate you and restrict your freedom to keep control over you. Stalking often causes emotional and psychological harm in the target. You usually end up living in some state of fear.

Stalking is the willful harassment of another person, from repeatedly turning up at your home, bombarding you with messages or calls, getting friends and family to do so, turning up unexpectedly where you are, frequently driving past you, even moving across the road and sending you messages of what you are dressed in—approaching you, harming pets, stalking your children, calling your boss to make false accusations, sending threatening or sexual letters, any letters or messages, emails or gifts. They can guilt-trip you with I’m sick messages to play on our empathy, they can threaten to tell our insecurities to make us feel shame, and they can and will make up blatant lies to say to friends, family and work colleagues etc.

What can you do?

Emotions.

We can not change or control someone else’s toxic, harmful, destructive, cruel behaviour towards us, or their opinions of us, their views of us are not for us, only we define who we are, we can control how we walk away from those people and how we react. It’s hard to start when they push all our buttons, yet it is so worth it for our inner peace and happiness.

Emotions are telling you to either, change your perceptions, change your procedure, change your communication, change your expectations, change your circumstances. Change your situation. You need to change your state of mind. Your mind controls your Emotions. You control your mind.

1. Give no reactions and no responses, if people come asking you, they want to gossip, just let them know. “They’re my past. The truth always comes out eventually.” And leave it be.

2. If your friends ask, not the narcissists friends or their flying monkeys, your friends, tell the truth to them. People who say things like. “It takes two to tango.” Etc they are naive to teach them if they don’t want to be informed they are not the people you want to associate yourself with.

3. Block the narcissist, and their friends and family on everything, go no contact with all. If you have children, set up a new email or use Facebook messenger, its got a great ignore button, so you still get messages and can communicate about children, but you are not getting constant messages from them, you can look when you’re calm and know what they say you will only respond to if needed, only communicate about the children.

Self-care.

Self-care is a deliberate act within ourselves to take care of our mental, emotional and physical health first, so we can be at our personal best to take care of others, without being taken down by toxic people. We often overlook self-care to help others out, when others are not interested in helping us, our own inner needs get more and more neglected as we try to help those who are unable to help themselves.

To start, you need to stick to the basics, creating new routines and habits for you, just start simple and basic then keep adding more. You need to actively plan using your conscious thoughts in the beginning until your subconscious has been programmed to do it naturally.

1. Categorise lists and do it in priority order.

Relationships (friends family etc.)

Physical health.

Emotional health.

Work.

Be authentic with yourself, note things that might stand in your way and take action to see what you can do.

An essential checklist to get yourself started.

  • Start with a list of things you don’t like, something you don’t want to do and behaviours you’ll no longer accept from yourself and from others. Things like, I’m no longer checking their social media, people who can not accept no are not the people for my life. I need to stop people-pleasing. I need to stop putting myself last, and I want to get up at time set. Learn my boundaries around others.
  • Saying no to others can be challenging to start. However, it’s a must when you really don’t want to do something or don’t have the time.
  • Create a list of your own beliefs and standards you don’t need to do them all at once you can keep adding, and only ever change them for you.
  • A healthy diet, start slow if you’ve not done it before, keep a diary of your eating habits, to keep you accountable.
  • Start a simple exercise routine, listen to motivational videos, meditation, yoga, find things that pick you up on low moments and help you keep focus. This can help your mental and physical health-boosting your mood and lowering your stress.
  • Try to get enough sleep, and if you stop up way too late and feel tired in a morning just go to bed 5 minutes early each night until you get to the time you’d like to go to bed, same in a morning if you get up way too late and end up rushing get up 5 minutes early, try to prepare things you can the evening before if you always find yourself rushing around in a morning. Sleep can have negative effects if you’re not getting enough and positive impact on your emotional and physical health when you are.
  • Spend time around positive quality people, it rubs off on you, go to new places to meet new people this can be hard to start if you’ve been isolated, try getting in touch with old friends and family who you know are good people, smile at others and pay them compliments.
  • Keep a reflection journal, one if you still miss the ex, write the negatives about the relationship and look at them when you’re having doubts. Then a positive journal, each day try to add at least three things you’ve achieved in that day, also put something down you’d like to accomplish the next day, to keep yourself accountable.
  • Get organised, keep notes of appointments and where you’re supposed to be when
  • Try to get some time to relax, doing what you’d like to do for you.
  • Talk moments through with good understanding people. Any time you’re feeling down or low, chat to the right people.
  • Look for an opportunity to laugh. Laughing really is the best medicine.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Reactive abuse.