How Narcissists Use Your Feelings Against You
Narcissists don’t just ignore your feelings — they study them.
They notice what hurts you. What calms you. What triggers guilt. What sparks empathy. What makes you soften. What makes you panic. What makes you try harder.
But they are not gathering that information to deepen connection.
They are gathering it to gain control.
In healthy relationships, emotions create closeness. With a narcissist, emotions become leverage.
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
Here are six ways narcissists turn your feelings into weapons.
1. Using Your Empathy Against You
If you are empathetic, compassionate or emotionally aware, a narcissist will identify that very quickly.
They will present themselves as wounded, misunderstood, rejected or fragile. You may hear about their difficult childhood, their “crazy” ex, the way nobody appreciates them, or how sensitive they are underneath their tough exterior.
Your empathy is activated.
You begin explaining instead of confronting. You forgive quickly. You give them another chance. You stay longer than you intended because you can see the “hurt person” behind the behaviour.
But empathy without accountability becomes exploitation.
They rely on your kindness to soften consequences. The more you try to understand them, the less they have to take responsibility for how they treat you.
Your empathy keeps the relationship going — even when you are the one being harmed.
2. Turning Your Pain Into Proof You’re the Problem
When you express hurt in a healthy relationship, it leads to discussion and repair.
With a narcissist, it leads to deflection.
Instead of addressing what they did, they focus on how you reacted. They criticise your tone. They call you dramatic. They say you are too sensitive. They accuse you of overreacting.
Suddenly, the conversation is no longer about their behaviour. It is about your emotional response.
Your tears become instability.
Your frustration becomes aggression.
Your boundaries become cruelty.
This is a subtle but powerful form of gaslighting. It teaches you to distrust your own emotional signals. Over time, you may start thinking, “Maybe I am too sensitive,” rather than asking, “Why am I being treated this way?”
Your pain becomes evidence against you instead of information about what needs to change.
3. Guilt-Tripping Your Boundaries
Healthy boundaries protect emotional wellbeing. Narcissists experience boundaries as threats.
When you say no, ask for space or limit behaviour, they often respond with guilt.
“You know how sensitive I am.”
“After everything I’ve been through?”
“I can’t believe you’d treat me like this.”
Instead of respecting your limit, they reframe it as rejection.
Your compassion is used against you. You begin questioning whether you are being harsh, cold or unfair. You may withdraw the boundary just to stop the emotional pressure.
This keeps the focus on their feelings — not your safety.
In time, you may find yourself abandoning your own needs just to avoid feeling guilty. The narcissist does not need to break your boundaries directly. They simply make you feel bad enough that you remove them yourself.
4. Using Your Hope to Keep You Hooked
One of the strongest emotional hooks in narcissistic relationships is hope.
After conflict, they may show brief warmth. They might apologise. They may promise change. They may act like the loving person you saw at the beginning.
Just enough to make you believe it can improve.
This pattern is called intermittent reinforcement — unpredictable affection followed by withdrawal. Psychologically, this creates strong attachment bonds. You cling to the good moments because they feel like proof of who they “really are.”
But the pattern repeats.
Warmth.
Withdrawal.
Apology.
Disappointment.
Your hope keeps you invested. You focus on potential rather than pattern. You stay because you believe resolution is close.
In reality, the inconsistency is the control.
5. Weaponising Your Fear of Conflict
If you dislike confrontation, fear abandonment or struggle with raised voices, a narcissist will sense that.
When challenged, they may escalate quickly. They may shout, withdraw affection, storm off, or create emotional chaos. The reaction feels disproportionate to the issue raised.
Over time, your nervous system learns a lesson:
Bringing up concerns leads to discomfort.
So you stop bringing them up.
You stay quiet to keep the peace. You swallow your feelings to avoid arguments. You convince yourself it is “not worth it.”
This is not peace. It is conditioning.
The fear of conflict becomes a silent control mechanism. The narcissist does not need to silence you directly — your body does it for them.
6. Making You Responsible for Their Emotions
In healthy relationships, each person manages their own emotional responses.
With a narcissist, you become responsible for theirs.
You monitor their moods. You anticipate triggers. You adjust your tone. You walk on eggshells. You try to prevent their anger, sulking or withdrawal.
Meanwhile, your emotions are dismissed or criticised.
If they are upset, it is your fault.
If they are angry, you provoked it.
If they withdraw, you caused it.
You become the emotional regulator of the relationship.
This creates exhaustion and self-doubt. You begin believing it is your job to keep everything stable. But no matter how careful you are, stability never lasts — because control, not harmony, is the goal.
Your Feelings Were Never the Problem
Your empathy is not weakness.
Your tears are not instability.
Your hope is not foolishness.
Your desire for peace is not naïve.
These are healthy emotional traits.
The problem was not that you felt deeply. The problem was that those feelings were used strategically against you.
When emotion is respected, it creates intimacy.
When emotion is exploited, it creates manipulation.
The shift begins when you stop treating your feelings as flaws and start seeing them as signals. Signals that something feels unsafe. Signals that your boundaries matter. Signals that your needs deserve space.
Clarity does not come from hardening your heart. It comes from protecting it.
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, know this: you were not too emotional. You were emotionally open with someone who used openness as leverage.
And awareness is the first step in taking that power back.
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of A Narcissist
15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
