Why You Get Confused And Feel Like You’re Going Crazy In A Narcissistic Relationship. Cognitive Dissonance And Induced Compliance, Belief Disinformation, Forbidden Behaviours And Free Choice

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

To understand more of how a narcissist takes control of your mind, the theory’s behind cognitive dissonance and the different parts that play a major part in how easy it is for your mind to be sucked in by narcissistic people.

One of our basic emotional human needs discovered by Tony Robbins is Love and connection, which is the strong human need to love and connect with someone or something.

Beliefs are thoughts in our minds, that influence our own attitudes, actions and behaviours. The power of choice to what we do and do not want to believe, beliefs are only thoughts and not real and once we have more understanding on these, we then have the power to change them to work for us. If you grew up with two parents remaining together, so you believed that how it’s done, or your parents where separated so you wanted different for your children, or religious or various other factors, your beliefs in relationships might be you stick together no matter what happens, that relationships are hard and you have to work at them, which yes relationships can go through rough patches and good people who communicate and compromise can work things out, when you’re with a toxic person you need to change those beliefs and realise you don’t have to stay. Core Beliefs are formed in early childhood, other beliefs are formed within our minds, through our own personal experience or what others tell us to be true, why even if you have the same beliefs the interpretation of those varies from person to person.

Values, good values in good relationships are honesty, loyalty, respect, understanding and self-discipline.

Narcissists look for those beliefs and values in people either on a conscience or subconscious level, then they cause massive conflict with those beliefs causing you confusing thoughts and to doubt your own judgment and thinking abilities.

When you meet them, you will most often be on the receiving end of love bombing, this is to manipulate and influence you. Doing favours for you, as when someone does favours for you, your perceptions of that person are good and your feelings are extremely positive towards them. Overwhelming you will receive adoration and attention, manipulating you to spend more and more time with them. And why wouldn’t you? You feel a great connection, truly understood and very loved meeting one of your human needs. They gain your love and trust with flattery, attention, commitment, promises of marriage, they’ll try to move the relationship on very quickly, things like “if I moved in we’d see each other more and I could really help you around the home, share bills.” Or. “If you move in with me, you can stop working and I’ll take care off all the bills.” Any personal problems or outside situations you are having, in the beginning, they will be there to help any way they can, they want to think you’ve met the kindest person ever and admire them. Most will even drop hints subtle or obvious of just how amazing they are for you. They might constantly shower you with gifts or trips.

This is all manipulation to confuse your mind, which causes cognitive dissonance and then induced Compliance. Cognitive dissonance is a state of mind, your own thoughts, where there is conflicting, beliefs, realities or thoughts. Narcissists help you at the start to gain admiration from you, they will then at some point use this against you to break down your boundaries. ” after all I did for you.” Or words to that effect. With most narcissistic people once you are hooked they’ll actually no longer be doing anything for you, yet they’ll constantly remind you of things they have in the past. You’re used to spending so much time around them, often dropping hobbies as they so desperately wanted to be with you and they make you feel so good about yourself in the beginning, then they’ll just disappear on you, again manipulation of your mind, as you lived that life, that reality when they wanted to spend so much time with you. Then you are left believing it’s your fault. They’ll start putting you down, insulting you to further manipulate your self-worth and gain more control over your mind. All those first promises they suddenly change to, they’re not ready for marriage, they never said that, or you took it out of context. This is all a form of gaslighting which is an insidious form of mental abuse to get you to doubt your own reality.

To start they matched all your beliefs and values, you lived the fairytale and your mind believes it as it’s seen at that moment that exact reality when they change into someone you don’t recognise and they cause you pain and hurt you. you might have had enough and try to end it, they’ll bring back all the charm in the beginning, causing cognitive dissonance. When they say things to you like. “Why do you have to make life so hard.” Or “if only you’d have done this.” Then threaten or intimidate you, even sulking or giving you the silent treatment, so you try really hard, begging with them, pleading with them, doing all you can to make it up to them, then they give you the reinforcement of playing nice all the charm they had in the beginning, your mind is getting trained by them to believe it’s all your doing for any problems or conflict within the relationship, that in actual fact there is nothing wrong with them and everything wrong with you, so you change your behaviour time and time again, walking on eggshells trying to please them so they don’t throw a massive tantrums which cause you pain. When your mind perceives something like pleasure, a good emotion, when you’ve been trained how to act and when you act exactly how they want they will reward you, causing induced Compliance in your mind. When you don’t do exactly as they please they punish you, through many manipulation tactics, causing induced Compliance as those punishments cause you great pain, so you do all you can to avoid that pain.

The ups and downs release cortisol from the stress and dopamine from the highs, these are highly addictive natural chemicals the body releases and you do become addicted, once addicted it becomes increasingly harder to walk free. You will have or you will reach that point where you break free, learn about what’s happened to you and never go back.

Cognitive dissonance within your mind has variables.

Belief disinformation. When your beliefs are being contradicted, as the narcissists have to lead you to believe one story, then delivers another that contradicts the first belief, with intermittent reinforcement of the first story, causing psychological mental stress within your mind, that stress releases cortisol which is addictive in itself. Yet to reduce the mental stress off the reality that’s so painful your mind chooses to believe the less mentally stress full idea to relieve yourself of the painful thoughts leading you to downplay the abusive behavior from the narcissist, which of course is helped by the narcissists carefully chosen blame-shifting words of ”it wasn’t that bad, it was your fault, that never happened, it didn’t happen that way, you made me do it.” and the rest. As you seek moral support from the very person you don’t see is persuading you that your reality isn’t real, you don’t change your beliefs to the truth of the situation, your mind unwittingly sticks to your original belief. Which gives you the brain fog, when you can see something yet you can not believe it to be true or really see it.

Induced compliance of forced compliance, after a narcissist preforms dissonant behaviour towards you, ( lying ) they find ways through manipulative words to get you to agree to their way of thinking, their reality and their truths, even though these are not factual, as the narcissist doesn’t want to accept responsibility for their own behaviour and is never accountable. They gaslight you psychological through words, actions and sometimes moving items for their own self-justification. So even when you know they said or did something they will twist it all around, leaving you getting more and more confused. They will tell you or show an example of when they treated you right. They will intimidate you. Threaten you, they will use many manipulation tactics so you are forced to comply with their ways of thinking, as your mind believes this will cause you less pain. Either from past hurtful actions of their behaviour towards you. Fear of reactions. Leading you to walk on eggshells around them, forcing you to behave how they want. All whilst you don’t see what’s truly happening to you.

Forbidden behaviour. The severity of the threat on the devaluation of the forbidden behaviour. With some narcissistic people this can be down to when and where you sleep, who you go out with, where you go, if you work, what you wear, how long or the colour of your hair, when you have sex together, when you answer your phone, so when you’ve been programmed to know you’ll get punishment from the sulks, the silent treatment, arguments, never-ending questions, threats, and all the other manipulation tactics they use to cause you mental pain and negative emotions. They get you to unwittingly conform the their way of living and their way of acting, behaving and thinking, it stops you from being true to who you truly are and what you truly want to do for the fear of the consequences to your actions of living a free life and how you should be able to live.

Free choice. Changes in the desirability of your freedom of choice, this part is what makes it so difficult for people to walk free form narcissistic relationships. The free choice aspect of cognitive dissonance occurs when you are faced with a difficult decision, when they always appear to be an aspect of rejection or discomfort to what you choose, so you might want to go out for you, yet you know the narcissist will make it difficult and it’ll cause arguments and upset, yet if you don’t go out you’ll feel anger and frustration that you didn’t get to do what you’d like, yet know you’ll not get negative reactions from the narcissist. When you decide enough is enough and you want out, yet if you stay you believe you can help them and get the good times back although you fear them and their negative behaviour towards you, if you leave it’ll also cause pain, the fear of the breakdown of the relationship, pride and ego damaged as your own beliefs that you could make it work didn’t happen, feeling guilty for leaving them, or in fear of what they might do from threats of. “you’ll pay if you leave.” or “I’ll make you wish.” Then if the narcissist was the one to leave you. You’ve got the thoughts of freedom yet those thoughts of no one else will love me, I’ll be alone, again mostly from the toxic words the narcissist drilled into your mind. So you think you want them back to help comfort you from all this pain, most often they are with someone new, again this causes your thoughts to go into, what was wrong with me? What’s so special about the new? Social norms and judgment from others also play a part, worrying what others will think of you, and when you don’t open up with the right people, you’re left with so many negative thoughts, the difficult choice between getting help and support and the effects it might have, or isolating yourself from the world.

These thoughts can be resolved by changing the challenged beliefs, getting out of the situation and away from the narcissist is an extremely difficult thing to do, yet the longer you are away the clearer you own mind becomes, psychological dissonance slowly fades and psychological consonance is restored, especially when you seek out moral support from those who’ve lived the same and at one point shared those same contradicted beliefs, your reality becomes restored and your future becomes so much clearer and brighter.

Music can also help, classical music can be the best, any music you personally enjoy will also help.

when you make the choice for no contact, or limited contact if you can not go no contact due to having children together, the more you are away from them, the more your mind can start to think clearly, the trance they put you under slowly fades, the fog lifts, and you can start to think and act for yourself again and do what’s right for you and what makes you happy, they more you connect with those that have lived it and understand it the more you can put reality back into your own mind, the more you learn about narcissistic behaviour and the effects it has on you the less you’ll ask, why are they doing this to me? Especially with smear campaigns and endless games of those narcissistic people you just can not seem to shake off. The more you’ll see their pattern in behaviour, what they are doing, the more you’ll be able to laugh at how unbelievable yet believable their behaviour and true nature is, the less it’ll impact on your life and your emotions, and the more you will come to realise you never even knew them let alone loved them, it was all an illusion of mind trickery and you can get control back of your mind, your thoughts and your feelings to reach the place of I’m in control of my own happiness and my own life now. You can and you will.

Why Recovery From A Narcissistic Relationship Can Be Extremely Hard.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Three questions I get asked often are. how long will it take to recover? Why is it so hard to recover? And I was doing so well why have I taken steps backwards?

How long has varies factors, the first is we are all individuals, it also depends on how long you were with the narcissist, how many you’ve been around and who you are? What you want from your life now? The only true answer is you can and you will recover.

Taking steps backwards is ok and part of life, don’t worry about those, easier said than done, instead focus on the steps you have taken forwards and how well you are doing, life gets hard at times, we all have bad moments, low moments, those days, it’s learning to make those days less and less, so when a situation hits, you don’t let it affect your entire day.

Why’s it so hard to recover, well to start with we are constantly being told it’s hard, so we believe it’s hard, we are told by those who’ve survived before and all the obstacles it’s going to be hard and tricky, so then when you’re doing well after a week, a month or six months, your mind begins to think, this was supposed to be hard so some of use then question what’s wrong with me why is this so easy, then we start looking for obstacles and it becomes hard again, instead focus on if you work on you one moment at a time, if you look inwards to heal and recover step by step, it will become easy to recover, and remember that it will become easy, the more your mind hears it from you, the more it believes it and the more it’ll help you make it easy. I’m not saying it is easy I’m saying focus on the fact it is, don’t miss steps out, just keep looking at the things you have healed from so far, or where you’d like to be next year at this time, focus on creating the thoughts in your mind that work for you.

Most men and women who’ve experienced relationships with a narcissistic person all share a similar experience, similar emotions and similar confusing thoughts especially until the fog begins to lift. Even when your out and know you know you want nothing to do with them. The games they play or the court battles you face, they keep you trapped in that loop, still abusing you through vindictive games, court systems and smear campaigns, and when you feel angry or hurt, or sometimes stupid believing that they might be playing nice when they were just setting up another devastating blow and you didn’t see it coming, you might question your own emotions and motives, they still have you doubting yourself, questioning you when it’s not you, or never was you, it’s time to pass responsibility back to the rightful owner the narcissist and take a stand and responsibility for learning the real reality and your own happiness. Remembering you are not stupid and even the most intelligent and wisest of people get sucked into the world of narcissistic people when we haven’t yet learned about something we don’t know what it is or what will happen. Life is about learning, most of us don’t look at a book and just read it, we were taught by others, nobody is stupid if they can not read, it just means they haven’t learned that particular skill set.

Recovery from a narcissistic relationship is something on its own level of crazy-making. Whilst you’re trying to piece your own life back together. Raise children if you had them together. Battle through divorce courts and custody battles, the narcissist makes it as hard and as ugly as they possibly can. Beginning to learn that you can control your actions, you’re reactions and your emotions only, so situations don’t affect you in the painful long-lasting way, there will be those moments, it’s learning to do the task at hand you need to do, then bringing your focus and mindset back into joy, happiness and the things you have to be grateful for.

Your belief systems and values have been taken down and destroyed bit by bit, everything you believed about human beings has been brought into question and there are the contradictions left deep within your own mind, loyalty, honesty, promises, the truth have all been denied to you on some of the most hurtful manipulative levels, by the most self-destructive people in the world. Learning what your beliefs and values were and adjusting them to what they need to be now, beliefs and values are different from person to person.

Examples of beliefs.

  • A belief that family is most important.
  • A belief in religion or not.
  • A belief in work/life balance.
  • A belief in honesty is the best policy.
  • A belief in loyalty.
  • A belief in family values.
  • A belief in respect and manners.

We can keep our own beliefs for us, yet learn not all others have the same.

Examples of Beliefs that work for us.

  • A belief that you can and you will.
  • A belief that you can.
  • A belief that dreams are possible if you put the work in to achieve them

Examples of Beliefs that have worked against people

  • A belief the titanic was unsinkable, so people stayed on board and not enough lifeboats we’re placed on.
  • A belief that life is meaningless.
  • A belief that you can not do something.
  • A belief that the whole world is broken.

Examples of values.

  • Loyalty.
  • Commitment.
  • Passion.
  • Respect.
  • Courage.
  • Perseverance.
  • Open-mindedness.
  • Appreciation.
  • Generosity.

Again people own preceptions of values varies, where one person will respect all others, another will only respect a select few, another will only respect themselves and another will only respect once respect is earned, its all about knowing you and staying true to who you are.

Breakups are hard, co-parenting can become difficult, divorce can be tricky at the best of times with two good caring people, when ones simply got no empathy for the other and will keep using the games they play as they want to win at all costs it’s not a very pleasant thing to navigate yourself through, most often isolated with little to no support.

Recognizing Your emotional pull, your beliefs and your values, that you have the power to control how you handle difficult times. Creating good connections with good people so you can navigate your way through.

Family members are hard, especially if they were your parents. You’ve got strong ties from childhood, your beliefs we created growing up around them, years of being gaslighted, you’ve been taught or trained to respect them, put their needs above your own, doubt yourself.

You have to understand that people who put you down or hurt you, have a problem within themselves and if their company is harmful to your feelings they are not for you, you can not fix all others problems, you can only help, if they are unwilling to accept help or see any wrongdoing in their own actions it’s time to walk away.

You are in recovery from mental warfare, you have to reclaim your reality, your confidence, your own thoughts, learning to manage your emotions as most are left full of negative emotions that hit hard, learning who they truly are and what you’re actually dealing with.

Finding the lesson, which isn’t easy at the start, changing the ”why is this happening to me.” to ”what is this teaching me.” learning to find the things that bring you joy and happiness especially when outside situations try to cause you pain.

When those lightbulb moments hit, one by one you see all those red flags you missed so clearly, yet it all sounds so unbelievable, only you lived it, your left questing why you didn’t pay attention to those red flags and your instinct sooner, mostly this is because you couldn’t see them clearly, from your beliefs to their manipulation and daily reality being rewritten on you.

You go through a stage of blaming yourself for everything, your mind has been hijacked, your mind has been manipulatively taken over and you’ve been fed the blame game, blaming yourself for everything that went wrong the the relationship, blaming yourself for not being able to help them, for not seeing reality sooner.

Remember if a robber walks into the bank and steals the money, the cashier is not to blame, if someone hijacked a plane the pilot and passengers are not to blame, pass the responsibility back to the rightful owner.

You feel like a fool, your pride and ego have taken a knock with questions like ”how did I not see it sooner, ”why did I not leave sooner.” how can people treat others this way, no one will believe me. Why was I so stupid, how could I have been so fooled by them? You can not see what you don’t know, they manipulate you into a trance, one that you can only take up from when you’re ready.

Nothing was what it seemed, it’s like being hit by bullet after bullet, moment after moment whilst trying to work out what happened to you. So many promises made never kept. So many lies told, more secrets coming out, realising who you thought they were, they are not, yet they are, both sides to them is exactly who they are, most think the nice narcissist isn’t real, the evil narcissist is the real person, then you realise both faces they hold within themselves is them and both are out for manipulation of others, the nice one you cared for is also not so nice when the real reasons they act the way they do come to light.

Curiosity calling, normal human feelings and behaviour. Lots of emotions play a part in this, People you once cared so deeply for, wanting to know how they are, wanting to see if life is falling apart for them as it has you, wanting to see what makes the new so special, wanting to see remorse, wanting an apology, the saying curiosity killed the cat, every time you do look, it cuts you a little deeper, if your still at this stage don’t worry it will pass, start acknowledging you want to look, accepting that it’s only going to cause more pain, tell yourself you’re not going to, then find something to do that makes you smile, read a good book, find something that fills you with joy, get something do for you, the urge to look at their social media or find what they are up to will lessen over time, you’ll get to a point where you’re simply no longer interested.

the first few days, weeks, are the hardest as time passes if you work on creating a new happier future for you, those emotional triggers become less and less, those scars begin to heal, those bad day become less and less often, the emotional rollercoaster becomes less and less, people have healed and gone on to live amazing lives before you and you will too.

Ways Narcissists Take Down Your Boundaries And How To Get Your Boundaries Back.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

A narcissist is all about control, and they want to control you, one of the ways they do this is by taking you away from who you are and leaving you an empty shell of your former self. They use plenty of manipulative methods to do this and one of those is stripping you of all your boundaries, to make you guarded, cautious, doubt yourself, defensive. Leaving you with things like anxiety and CPTSD as they are taking away your self-respect and dignity, by breaking down your boundaries, leaving you vulnerable so they get their needs met and you know longer know what your own needs are. A narcissist doesn’t have respect for others or boundaries, they just seek control. They want you to ignore who you are and your needs and to fill all their needs.

Manipulation starts from the moment you meet the narcissist, they want to break down your boundaries to steal your self-respect, your dignity, your self-esteem and who you are. If you dare to question them about things they say on first dates, most will walk away, however, as you believe people to be good and there’s no evidence that the narcissist is bad, when you meet them and they’ve got the admiration face only, they like all your likes, they treat you so well, they mirror you, flatter you, and you believe you’ve met the one. They will message you, want to spend time with you, doing the things you love to do.

Once they have you even in the first few weeks of dating, they’ll start taking down your boundaries, they’ll start asking you things that most wouldn’t even ask someone they barely knew, if you tell them the not so big secrets yet still personal, they’ll slowly push you for more, they might tell you story’s about how they’ve been miss treated making themselves look vulnerable and opening up your empathy, feeling like they understand you and you can relate to each other and connect you open up to them, telling them yours.

Now it’s good at the beginning of relationships, to be honest and to be open with each other. As we know all too well, it’s not nice finding out things years down the line which causes pain, some people who are healed from past traumatic experiences can open up and share them. Good people can connect through their vulnerabilities whatever those vulnerabilities are, but you have to accept them within yourself first so people can not use them against you, we all have vulnerabilities. If your not ready to open up to others about certain things don’t, you can let someone know you’ve had things happen and can relate but you want to leave it in the past, or you just don’t want to talk about it. if they are for you they’ll accept this, some might push you as they genuinely want to know you better but they will back off and wait until you’re ready, a narcissist will either disappear on you or keep pushing you.

Physically they will step over the mark in the way they touch you, rushing you in when you’re not truly ready, they might touch you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable to see if they can push you into their world of control, if something feels uncomfortable to you, tell them, a good person who’s overstepped the mark without realising will back off and wait, a narcissist will either keep pushing their luck to see if they can break your boundaries or disappear on you, now if you’re ready and truly feel comfortable going with the flow that’s ok, but learn to listen to yourself and how you feel, if they are moving way to fast, or it feels inappropriate to you tell them. Good people will respect you for this.

They will feed you some subtle lies about themselves or others in the beginning, to see how much you buy into them, if you question them they might change the subject or tell you more things that you just don’t think to add up, now on first dates most of us want to put out our best side, but good people don’t lie. Narcissists lie also to see if you’re agreeable or passive, to see if you’ll happily accept their viewpoint or challenge them. They are drip-feeding you lies to see how much they can get away with and what you will accept from others.

They declare love and soulmate status very quickly so they can learn all your weaknesses, so you open up faster. Learn anything from your past that’s given you insecurities in the present and find those you’ve not healed from so they can use them against you in the future, they want to know what troubles you and what fears you have, what makes you angry, so they can use these against you to provoke you in the future for many manipulative reasons and one is so they can use them against you to break down your boundaries. Only open up with new people when you’re ready, listen to your instincts they are right if you don’t want to talk about things don’t.

As the relationship progresses and they have you hooked they will up the manipulation to take down all your boundaries one by one, if you don’t want to do something and they want to control, they might do this by, make you angry, so you back down because you feel guilty, they might threaten In obvious ways, overt. “I’ll tell,” or subtle ways covert “what do you think your friends would think if they knew.” Using others against you, so you fear others finding out things your not ready for them to know. Plus countless other threats so you give in to their demands. If you have children and they know the children are your biggest weaknesses and what you’ll defend the most, they will find ways to get to you through the children, tormenting them in subtle ways, just to get reactions from you, or making the atmosphere that bad the children want to live with the other parent and the narcissist will drop obvious or subtle hints. they will provoke you to get reactions from you, they them might threaten you about your reactions or blame-shift onto you so you do what you can to make it up to them, whilst they lap up the attention. They will disappear on you, or the present silent treatment where they stay around yet will not talk, or just sulk like a toddler not getting their own way in an adults body, which is usually so you find a way to break the conflicts, Cheer them up, restore peace, and that way is usually you losing yet another boundary, more and more of who you are is slowly lost. Then they might play nice for a while to confirm in you mind the problems within the relationship was because of you, the problems are not you, they are responsible for their own actions, whilst being manipulated your not truly awake or responsible for yours, when you can not see what you don’t know, and they’ve taken power and control of your mind.

Some narcissists will beg, or pity play, so you feel sorry for them and give in, or they’ll triangulate you, let you know how someone else would for them or their friends, or the ones where they tell you that the crazy ex would have for them, leaving you doubting your abilities to sustain a healthy relationship. Or put fear into you that you might lose them if you don’t give in to what they want.

Slowly over time they have you walking on eggshells and jumping to ever demand, losing all your boundaries for fear of reactions from them. There might be that one boundary they try which is your wake up call and you just leave for good, this can be after years of being with them.

Then as you spend more time away, the fog lifts and you start to see everything you’ve been through.

everyone’s boundaries are unique to them, it’s learning your own, what behaviour you will and will not accept for others, also the other person you are dealing with, so if you’ve loaned someone money and they never pay it back, that doesn’t mean if you don’t mind loaning money and never do it again, just don’t do it with those unwilling to pay you back, do it for those who are willing to help you out in times of need, it’s all about give and take, if all someone is willing to do is take, it’s time to stop giving.

If you’re still dealing with a narcissist from your past, you need to set solid boundaries, remember they are not going to change to who you’d like them to be, they are who they are, accept that they are no good for your inner happiness and you can not help them, then for your own sanity no contact is best, if this isn’t possible due to children avoid them as much as possible. When you set boundaries to remember a narcissist is all about control and dominance, they feel entitled and are extremely stubborn and most up their games to take back control. Setting boundaries isn’t about changing them, it’s about setting yourself free, learning now you have the knowledge of who they are and what they do, as it’s incredibly hard when you’ve not got the understanding not to be taken down by these people as most of us know all too well, now we do know what they are and what they do it’s all about learning to manage ourselves.

learning who we want to be, learning our beliefs, our values, our standards, only accepting behaviour from others that we’d give to others, and no longer accepting behaviour that doesn’t match who we are, we are with good intentions hopefully allowed to be who we want to be, raising our standards, yet lowing our expectations of others so we don’t get angry or frustrated when they seek to hurt us.

Setting boundaries is hard, especially if you’ve never thought about them in the past, if you’ve always put other people’s needs before your own, boundaries that are healthy and work for you, will not only help you to say no to things that don’t suit you, it’ll also help stop attracting narcissistic or manipulative people into your future.

So if you’re still dealing with a narcissist or not, you need to learn your boundaries and stop letting others cross them.

Healthy boundaries are a way to show others how you expect to be treated as a person and why you’ll not accept from others.

It takes great courage and strength to start setting boundaries, and at first you might not notice one has been crossed until someone does something and you feel hurt or anger, even if you’re more aware of what boundaries are now, again with everything in life it’s a learning curve and we are all individuals, you might fear to speak up to that person who crossed the boundaries, you might not want to upset them, you might not want to lose them, fearing confrontation when you do, just try to keep your emotions out of it, stick to the facts and don’t let people take you off-topic, remain calm, if they are not accepting of you for who you are, they are not the people for you, good people might not even know they had crossed a boundary you might have a laugh together or a cry together, you will, however, sort it out with good people. You can not control how they react, you can control you.

Setting boundaries isn’t about winning or losing, its about mutual respect for each other. If the other person crosses a boundary or keeps trying to, and takes no responsibility towards their own actions. We are all responsible for our own actions, when someone can not take responsibility for their own, of how they have treated you they have no respect for you.

With the narcissist, you will encounter resistance from them, just because you have learned your boundaries they are not going to change who they are, stay true to you, remain calm, stand your ground because you’re worth it. Leave them to it, don’t dwell on what-ifs, go back to focusing on your own life.

You don’t need others approval , you only need your own, so long as your intentions are good it doesn’t matter what others think, being a people pleaser often ends up with you surrounded by the wrong kind of people who take advantage of your kind nature, being true to who you are first, then being kind to others you’ll surround yourself with like-minded people.

We are human not everyone likes everyone, find those who like you for you, respect you, and you respect and like them for them, people who can see perspectives of others views.

Boundaries with a narcissist.

  • Don’t take the bait, do all you can to avoid communication with them, if they are coming at you, retreat, rethink and then only respond if you need to do so, retreating means you don’t act out at the moment, a quick rethink. Do I need to respond? Is it better left unsaid? Then if you have to respond remove emotions, make it simple and stick to logic and facts. If they’re saying “you’re crazy.” No need to respond that’s their opinion, not yours don’t get drawn in that’s what they won’t leave them to it. If they’re saying. “Can not have children Friday.” Just a simple “o.k.” Or “thank you for letting me know.” They are most likely doing things to provoke you and get reactions, be warned when they see a change in you they might up their games, so not back down as them they cycle starts again, instead, ride out the storm it will pass and you’ll learn how much easier life is this way.
  • Don’t give them any bait, don’t share things about your personal life or your plans, they will try to use these against you, to bring you down, leave them out in the cold as they have done to you, there is a difference, they did it for reactions, you’re doing it for inner peace.
  • Clearly, communicate especially around children. “Parents even Wednesday at 7 p.m.” You don’t need to ask if they are going, they have the facts leave them to it, whatever they send back don’t go off-topic they have the facts if they say ” thanks for the short notice.” And you’d only just found out or forgot to tell them. You do not need to explain this to them, they will suck you in to spit you out. “I can not make it.” Again don’t respond that’s up to them, live your own life now. They’ve already proved they are not worthy of your time and attention, don’t give it to them.
  • If you are saying no to yourself, by saying yes to someone else, you need to say no to them and yes to you, so you become happier.
  • Remember their responses are purely to break your boundaries and break you down, don’t let them upset you, for a moment as you’re learning it will, but learn how to quickly shift your thoughts and look for the good within your life.
  • Be prepared the narcissist might go quite then they might come at you again, use those quiet times to really work on your inner self. When they come back to get to you again you’ll be stronger and wiser, stick to your boundaries whatever yours are.
  • Your no needs to mean no and you need to stick to your no.

How Narcissistic People Destroy Your Self Esteem And How To Rebuild It.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Being around narcissistic people isn’t only mentally and physically draining, it is soul-destroying and takes who you are away bit by bit. Part of reclaiming who you are and who you want to be is rebuilding your self-esteem which is all about working on your inner confidence.

Narcissists through many manipulation tactics slowly destroy your self-esteem, self-respect, dignity and confidence. It’s up to us to take that power away from them and take back control of our lives. Taking back your ability to control your own, Self- worth self-respect, confidence and dignity.

How do they destroy these in us? Narcissists are the masters of cruel and sometimes calculating manipulation.

Mostly through the words, it’s not always what they say, sometimes it’s the way they say it that makes it so hard to see it whilst you’re living it. Especially if you had narcissistic parents, even if you didn’t narcissist partners, friends, teachers, can have a massive impact on you. When you don’t understand it’s hard to know what’s happening to you.

Mostly through gaslighting so we end up doubting our own reality, ourselves, and our own minds start to work against us.

They will say things like. “You miss understood me.” Or. “That never happened.” Or “you’re too sensitive.” These are to make you doubt yourself, make you think you’ve overacted and it’s all your own personal issues. Leaving you with more and more personal issues.

If you’re still dealing with these people, or have the misfortune to come across more. Know your own truth, yes you can misunderstand people if they then go on to explain and be Genuine about what they meant and don’t use it against you, you misunderstood, if they make you feel worse know they meant every word. If you know something happened it happened, don’t let their words infect your mind, you’re more aware and know what you are dealing with now. Walk away.

Then the, “you’re so dramatic.” Or “I hate drama.” And the rest. So it suggests you are to blame for all conflict within the relationship. Making us doubt our own abilities, making us feel like the fault lays within us.

If you’re still dealing with them, know it matters to you and they can not take that away from you, look at the full story and who truly created the drama.

The subtle ” are you wearing that.” To the obvious. “You’d look better in that if you lost weight.” Regularly negative comments like those and the countless others. “Are you really going to do that.” Or “I wouldn’t do that if I was you. All these negative self-doubting comments instilled into us by others is extremely damaging when our minds absorb these regular and repeated toxic negative digs, making us doubt who we are and how we look, our ability to be who we want to be, fearing judgment and fearing consequences of our own actions.

If you’re still dealing with them, know that no one is entitled to belittle you, you are who you are, the problem is with them not you, good people will love you for who you are and raise you up. Know your own truths, don’t let others words play in your mind. With good intentions you’re allowed to do what you please, those that tell you ”you can not.” have an issue within themselves. Show them you can, good people will have your back and want you to succeed.

They will create conflict between people. Narcissists actually thrive off drama, especially when they’re not the centre of attention, they will play others off against each other, play them against you with words like. ” they talk about you behind your back.” Or ” they don’t really like you, to make you doubt who’s actually your friend and what’s wrong with you, they provoke to cause arguments with you, usually so they can blame it all on you. Narcissists will also happily spread, gossip, rumours and your innermost secrets, especially to those you didn’t want to know. This is a massive drain to your confidence.

If your still dealing with them, if they’ve said someone is talking about you, go and ask that person and see what their version of events is, narcissistic people lie so they might have not said anything, those who want to talk about you, that’s up to them, those people don’t deserve to be a part of your life anyway the narcissist did you a favour.

They will learn all your insecurities, vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Then they will use them all against you, anything that hurt you in your past. Anything that’s dear to you, any secrets you ever told, they will pick on these, point them out as often as they can, tell others about them. This leaves your vulnerabilities wide open and is soul-destroying that someone you loved so much is happy to use everything that hurts the most against you.

If you’re still dealing with them, understanding that everyone has vulnerabilities and you’re not alone, good people raise each other up, they don’t use them to bring you down.

Who they are, from the narcissist that showers you with attention to the narcissist that destroys you. When you reach breaking point, they’ll bring out the nice narcissist so you doubt yourselves, then when things aren’t going their way evil narcissist comes back out to play, leaving you on edge, walking on eggshells, paying more attention to their happiness and less and less to your own. No longer knowing what makes you truly happy.

Playing nice or playing evil that is who they are. They don’t change they have a personality disorder, with different sides to them, no matter how much they play nice, remember how much pain they cause and walk away.

They are the masters of negativity, living in a toxic negative environment rubs of on you. Once in that cycle, your once happy carefree state of mind is slowly driven out, left full of negative emotions towards yourself and those around to you. Leaving you questioning so much.

Focus on shifting those negative emotions out and finding the joy in life again.

They lie, lie after lie after lie, at first you might think something is off as those lies appear and you might question them, they twist it all around, leaving you doubting reality, doubting yourself and doubting those around you. How could this once loving, respect person lie so much and hurt you so much, they downplay everything, leaving you questioning and blaming yourself, shattering your trust within yourself and those around you.

They will seek others to take their side, manipulating others and lying to others, smearing your name, they flip the story’s, so you end up isolating yourself from the world, shattering your confidence within the world around you.

When you’ve been told for long enough, you’re not good enough, you’ll not find any better and all the others. Don’t your mind starts to believe it and you start to act it.

We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. The narcissist does not have the final word on your self worth you do. Other people, in general, don’t. Others judgment of you is not for you. Be who you want to be. Treat others with respect, even if they’re not respectful to you. You’ll feel better for doing so.

Your dignity, self-worth all starts within you and the inner confidence of your own abilities, achieving your own dreams. Once you build yourself up from the inside those negative people will no longer be able to take it away. Yes, they might be able to affect you at the moment but shifting onto how you think quickly and being true to you. Learning how to be confident within yourself, will not solve everything for you, life gets hard sometimes. Situations and problems hit. It will give you the ability to handle these better. Confidence is not about knowing everything. It’s about being able to handle yourself, overcome obstacles and mistakes, learning along life journey.

Being confident and trusting in who you are and your own abilities will help you in all areas of your life, from relationships to work. What you ware, how you talk to yourself and others and friendships you make.

When you’re constantly doubting yourself and those around you, doubting your own abilities. You’ll focus on those doubts and not move forward. It’s not easy to build, however, you can do this.

How to reclaim your confidence?

It’s starting all with how you hold yourself when you’re telling yourself, “I’m shy.” You don’t speak out. When you tell yourself “I can not.” You don’t. When you’re feeling sad or negative. You curl up, drop your shoulders, slouch. Drop your head and lose your smile.

Purposefully holding your body right helps massively on the impact of your inner feeling. Power pose when alone in front of a mirror. Give it a try it might make you laugh too. If you’re telling yourself you feel silly. You might and you might just laugh. Notice how much better you feel within.

Even if you think you’ve nothing to smile about. Go and find something to smile about something that makes you happy, stand tall and put that smile on your face, notice your energy shift.

When trying new things, or handling difficult situations, don’t focus on what could go wrong, focus on what will go right, when you focus your mind to what you want you’re more likely to receive the outcome you want.

When meeting new people if you’re thinking. “No one will like me.” You’ll walk in different you’ll talk differently. You’ll avoid eye contact and sit in the corner. If you walk in with. “Hey, I might meet some great new people.” Standing tall with a smile and a hello to everyone you meet, you’ll get that smile back and that hello back. You might strike up that conversation with great people, making that eye contact and connecting with others.

Find positive, uplifting, inspiring people, to surround yourself with, it also rubs off on you. Don’t settle for those who aren’t worthy of you.

When something knocks you off balance at the start of your day and you say to yourself “it’s going to be one of those days.” What usually happens? One bad thing after another.

When you get up and everything’s going great most often you pick that momentum up and keep going. When a problem arises do you let it knock you off balance and spend the rest of the day feeling negative? If you do it’s time to recognise the problem for what it was. Can you do something about it? Yes? Then do it. No? Then go focus on something you can do.

Losing negative thoughts, by finding things to be grateful for. It’s hard to emotions like feel pain, anger, hurt when the finding things that make you feel happy. Yes, some negative emotions, problems need dealing with, life’s hard at times, it gets rough at times. Dealing when it hits then move consciously back into the positive emotions.

Look at and recognise how you are taking to yourself “what’s the point.” You’ll not find the point and do it. “What if this happens.” Will stop you trying. “I’m not good enough.” You’ll not see your worth. “No one will love me.” You’ll not find your love ( some find one that helps lift them you. ) instead it needs to be “I must do it because.” And tell yourself the point, find the point. Look at the outcome if you succeed. Tell yourself “I am good enough.” Until your mind believes it. Look at things you’ve done in the past and achieved. “I’m learning to love me.” As you progress. “I love me.”

when you’re feeling down, we all have those down moments, it’s all about breaking the pattern of your thinking and bringing yourself out of them, if you’re feeling alone or miss understood, connection with those who do understand you, good online support groups are great for this to start, connecting with those who’ve loved it, you can dump your thoughts that aren’t severing you and people will give you the acknowledgement that you’re not alone in how you think or feel, tips of what you can do. If you’re feeling down and like you can not do something, tell yourself you can, look at when you’ve done something similar in the past, so your mind knows its possible, or looks for someone who has done it before you to show your mind it’s possible.

Confidence is something we create within ourself, life gets hard at times, even confident people aren’t confident all the time, you have the power within you to recognize when your thinking is working against you and consciously shift those thoughts to make them work for you.

When something happens that makes you feel those negative emotions, know this is normal we all have moments, especially when narcissistic people come at you to bring you down, or life hits hard out of the blue when the thing we’re going great, deal with those emotions there and then at that moment. Then adjust your thoughts, find the things within your life to be grateful for, find the lesson, sometimes it might be a few months later where you suddenly think ” oh if that hadn’t of happened I wouldn’t be doing this.” Find reasons to be blessed not depressed.

We’re human, we make errors, focus on the lesson, focus on the outcome and your mind will find a way. Don’t be hard over mistakes. It’s not there to beat yourself up, it’s there to learn.

Your past doesn’t define your future. It’s a learning curve retraining your own mind, it takes time and practice and once you’ve achieved you keep going, if you take a step back go again. Think about the outcomes you want, know why you want them and you will always find a way.

Thomas Edison.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Using your own mind to work for you, other people do not define who you are, situations, people you’ve been around might have shaped you, you have the power within to change you into who you want to be, how you want to feel, and how you think.