Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
A narcissistic persons life is simply all about winning, and win at all costs to others, they simply don’t care for others who get in their way or don’t give in to their demands, they will do their best to control and dominate or stomp out anyone who gets in their way or threatens their existence or false reality. They exploit demean and hurt, parents, partners, children, friends, anyone who gets in their way.
If you’ve been entangled with a narcissist in your life, whoever that narcissist was if you were close at one point you’ll know, especially if it was your parents or a partner, you’re left a shell of your former self, with loss of self-worth, self-trust, self-respect, self-love and left full of anxiety, fears, self doubt and so many more.
Narcissistic people do this to others over a prolonged period of time, slowly and subtly, how do they do this to us?
1. Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse, a tactic the narcissist uses to get the target to lose their own true version of reality, things like. “That didn’t happen.” “You’re imagining things.” “You’re crazy.” And many more.
This disables your own self-trust, ability to trust in others, it slowly distorts your reality, events that did or did not happen and who you truly are. With prolonged gaslighting abuse, victims often are left with inner conflict and can potentially end up gaslighting themselves.
How to recover.
Write things down, keep notes of everything you need to until you can see what the narcissist does to you, then observe their behaviour don’t absorb. Don’t look to the narcissist for any reality checks, answers or closure. Either online support groups or trusted friends.
2. The nonsense conversation of crazy making.
If you’d like a normal, calm pleasant conversation or discussion, even a debate or to come to some form of compromise with a narcissist, if you don’t know what they are, your boundaries will be broken, you’ll have no clue as to what actually just happened, although if you question the narcissist they’ll tell you exactly how to think, as they throw word salad your way and completely mess with your mind. They will gaslight, project, blame-shift, talk over you, shout at you, they’ll do all they can to send you feeling, confused and frustrated, distract you from the truth or the real conversation, and make you feel guilty or to blame. In their minds, if you don’t agree with them, you are wrong.
How to disarm. No contact is the best method, don’t fight your enemy, they know all your weaknesses and they will use them against you, walk away. If you can not, focus on something else and don’t let your ears take in their words, observe don’t absorb, if it about children or anything they don’t agree with. do not go off topic, in a calm rational voice stick to facts, only tell them once, if they don’t want to talk about it, that’s their choice, you also have the choice not to discuss what they are dragging you into, retreat, rethink and only respond if needed. Do not break your boundaries, when they’ve got one, they will come after them all.
3. Projection. This is the narcissist defence mechanism to not take responsibility for their own actions, to place their own toxic negative, hurtful and sometimes dangerous actions onto someone else. To avoid accountability and not accept responsibility. They are unwilling and often unable to ever see themselves as the problem, whatever they do bad, someone else always made them do it. They simply will not acknowledge their own faults, flaws or wrongdoings. Instead of admitting or apologising or working on their inner selves. They’ ed prefer to pass it all over onto someone else. They will blame shift everything onto other people. The only time they will apologise if they believe it will meet a need and is often done by blaming the other party. “If you’d have done this I wouldn’t have done that.” Or ” because you didn’t let me I had to do it.” They will change the subject on you to avoid any responsibility for their own actions.
How to disarm.
Don’t project your good caring empathetic nature into them, they will only ever take you further under, you can not help them, you can help yourself. Don’t listen to their toxic words observe don’t absorb, they are actually admitting their own wrongdoings with what they are trying to blame you for. If possible just cut all ties with them and go no contact.
4. Changing the goalposts and constantly nitpicking at you. Whilst there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism, a narcissist will only ever give destructive criticism, sometimes disguised as constructive. Narcissistic people are extremely jealous and envious of those around them, they do not want people to better themselves, they want you to fail. They will pull people down, nitpick and scapegoat others, anything you do well at, they will find a way to take credit for. Or pull you down over it. They will also raise the goalposts, every time you believe you’ve got it all worked out and life’s good again, they’ll up the ante, they will make sure by the time they’ve finished with you, you’re an empty shell of your former self, lacking in self work, self confidence, self respect. Instead of helping you with insecurities and weaknesses they will rip them all wide open and watch you bleed out. You will bend over backwards to help and please them, and they will continue their hideous manipulation.
How to disarm. If someone doesn’t want to help bring it the best in you, then they are not worthy of you, let them go and find good people who love you for who you are, change your Limiting Beliefs and start to believe in yourself.
5. Overt and Covert threats, due to their false sense of entitlement and believe they are above all others. They will make unreasonable demands of you then they through silent treatment, gaslighting and many more they will punish you if they are not achieved. They will threaten to punish you, Overts are more outspoken. They’ll say things more like. “You’ll lose your home and children a Covert would say. ” how do you think you’ll manage without me.” All to place fear and doubts in your mind.
How to disarm, keep a diary of any threats, call the authorities to build up a picture of the abuse.
6. Name calling, they do this to fill you with self-doubt, insecurities, alter your beliefs, opinions and reality. Things like ” are you really going to wear that.” The Covert way or “you look fat/ far to thin in that.” The Overts way. Due to their true lack of self-worth and sense of entitlement, they will call you “idiot, stupid, insecure, sensitive.” Anything they can to break you down.
How to disarm. Don’t play the game, remember it’s a reflection of who they are, not who you are.
7. Love bomb, devalue, discard, hoover. At the start they will mirror everything about you, come across as your perfect soulmate, then they will slowly take you down, to just up and leave, when you think you can not take any more they swoop back in playing all nice to sweep you off your feet again, this is a pattern they will repeat, whilst people who don’t see who they truly allow them to do so.
How to disarm, when you meet someone who’s taking things way to fast and wanting to move in, watch their reactions when you say no, do they accept it or keep coming at you until you give in. The only way to stops the cycle is to get out and stay out. No contact is the best thing you can do.
8. Smear campaigns and stalking, when a narcissistic person can no longer control you, or control who you are yourself, they will do their best to control how others see you, through playing the victim or playing the hero, they will go all out to bring you down, they also might stalk you in order to put fear in your mind and so you’re constantly living on edge.
How to disarm, stay mindful, do not react to their games, this is hard to start, it is human nature to want to defend yourself, by defending yourselves you are playing straight into their hands. Be prepared when you don’t play their games they will up their games, call authorities over any stalking issues, check your phone and car for tracking devices, stay alert but keep living your life for you.
9. Appealing to your emotions. Instead of using any form of logic they will appeal to your Fear, guilt, loyalty, and caring side. Whatever the situation requires them to meet their own need at that time. They will also use over the top pity plays on you. Things like. “My ex cheated on me, I know how it feels so I’d never do that to you.” Or. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Then the. “After everything, I’ve done for you and you’ll not do this one thing for me.”
How to disarm. Listen to your instincts, if something doesn’t feel right it’s most likely not. Remove all guilt from your past let it go so it doesn’t eat into your future.
10. Pressure. “Everyone else is doing it. My ex used to let me, my friend’s partner lets them.” Again making you feel guilty or inadequate, to get you to break down your boundaries.
How to disarm. Remember first the others probably aren’t and even if they are or did, they are not you, you are entitled to live your life, exactly how you want to, you need a million ways to say no, and once you’ve said it, stick to that no. You do not need to explain or even continue the conversation.
11. False compromise. They look like they’re actually going to meet you half way. Think again, so if pay for a holiday when they say they’ll pay you half, they might not pay at all once paid, or the might offer 25% and justify with something they’ve done for you. Or something you haven’t done as to why they shouldn’t pay any more.
How to disarm, do not loan people money who don’t pay you back, learn after the first time, don’t give others the benefit of the doubt, people can make a genuine mistake and do so more than once, they will apologise sincerely and they will have to give and take Abilities within good people .
stay strong, keep learning, keep working on you, keep healing and keep growing.