Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Terminology relating to the narcissistic personality disorder has been developed by psychologists and therapists as well as survivors of the abuse, seeking an understanding of what they have been through. This is an overview of most of the terms.
Narcissistic characteristics, and the meaning, they might not show them all at the same time.
1. A sense of entitlement. They believe they have a right to anything and everything they want. What’s yours is mine and what’s mines my own attitude.
2. Arrogance and dominance. They are proud of who they are. Some will be obvious in showing it, some will hide it away.
3. Exploitative. Whatever they do is only to ever to meet a need of their own.
4. Grandiose. If they show it or not, they believe they are superior to all others.
5. Jealous and envious. They are never truly happy and always want more.
6. Lack of empathy, they can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes.
7. Preoccupied with power and/or success. Those who are successful will brag, those who are not will blame others.
8. Requires excessive attention. They need to be admired by others, through love or fear.
9. The belief they are special. They believe all others are inferior to them.
Meanings of words for the types of narcissists on the spectrum.
The three main types are.
1. Grandiose. Better than all others, will act and say they are.
2. Victim. Will look kind and compassionate, yet will always play the victim.
3. Malignant. An extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial and psychopath, with paranoid traits.
The subtypes are
1. Covert. Are shy and to the outside world appear kind.
2. Overt. Is the most obvious, grandiose behaviour, they are arrogant, demanding and boastful, the have rage very close to the surface when they don’t get their own way. Ruthless in power and control.
3. Somatic. These usually rely upon their body’s and looks.
4. Cerebral. These usually rely on intelligence. Although not all are intelligent some just lie about that too.
Meanings for the other words for the types.
1. The narcissistic winner. Everything is a competition and they want to win at all cost.
2. The victim narcissist The sneaky narcissist, they always have the perfect sob story, and play the victim very well, to manipulate others into helping them.
3. The know it all narcissist. They know anything and everything yet they’ll never have facts to back things up.
4. The puppet master narcissist. They control and have the power of all those around them.
5. The antagonist narcissist . These will always have an enemy, they scream at other car drivers, nasty to neighbours, rude to staff.
6. The status narcissist . Theses have social power, status and success.
7. The Royal narcissist. They believe they are entitled to the best of everything.
We have narcissist, narcissism, NPD and narcissistic and more for the disorder itself.
It is Cluster B personality disorder. These included narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, histrionic personality disorders on cluster B often with those having one of the disorders also having characteristics of the other disorders.
We have the Victim or survivor. I prefer the term target as they target individuals to fill their own needs. Staying in victim mode doesn’t help you recover. You are a survivor and now experienced in what love isn’t.
Meanings of what they do.
1. Blame shifting. Switching the crazy-making onto the innocent target. When anyone confronts them or tries to set boundaries. They will switch the whole focus onto the target. So they can escape accountability and not take responsibility for their actions. Putting all the focus and blame onto the target.
2. Boundaries, the narcissist will try to break down all the targets boundaries. Their self-beliefs of things they will and will not accept, things they will And will not do. A narcissist will step over and stomp out each and everyone through their many manipulation methods.
3. Counter parenting. This is when they will use all they can against the healthy parent, they do not care for the damage they cause to the children’s minds so long as they destroy the other parent.
4. Devalue. They believe they are superior to all others. Devaluing, friends, family and partners, This is when they slowly take the target apart, because of their emotional level of awareness not developing past toddlerhood. Their own insecurities of unattainable perfection. They do not hesitate in putting others down through, expressing their disappointment in the target, rage, being hostile, belittling, being judgmental of you, and abandonment of the target.
5. Discard. They no longer see the target as useful to them or desirable, so they simply throw them away, cast them to one side, usually in more mind-blowing hideous ways, just to cut the target open even more and leave them with more doubts.
6. Divide and conquer. To assert control over others. To create diversions among people, to dominate, to isolate making it easier for the narcissist to manipulate people.
7. Enabler. Someone who doesn’t understand what the narcissist is, or believes their rather believable pity plays at the time. Enables are manipulated by the narcissist to believe they truly understand them and can help them, often helping the
narcissist destroy others without realising.
8. False apology. As a narcissist is never accountable, and believe they are always right. You’ll not get a real apology, only a false apology if the narcissist believes it will meet a need of their own. To remove any shame they feel, things like. “I’m sorry if you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” ” I’m sorry you couldn’t handle the truth.” “I’m sorry you’re too sensitive to understand.”
9. Flying monkeys. From the film Wizard of Oz. these are enablers who help the narcissist by terrorising targets for the narcissist, the narcissist manipulates others into doing the dirty work for them. They can be, friends, partners, parents, siblings and children.
10. Gaslighting. This is an insidious form of psychological abuse where they sow seeds of self-doubt into others, so the target loses their own reality, their sanity, their memories and their perceptions. They undermine the targets mental state. They lie and give false information by projection, blame shifting, triangulation. Saying “that never happened.” “I told you last week.” “You’re sensitive.” Or the “you’re crazy.” They brainwash their targets into believing the narcissist’s reality.
11. Hoover. Named after the hoover, as they make those around them miserable, often driving others away eventually if people pull away they might try to hoover the target back in. They use lots of manipulative tactics to do this. The hoover is when they come to suck the target back in as they feel a need to use them again, just to discard them all over again. If they have a new source of supply they might leave them alone and focus on the new target. If the new target isn’t working out, most will hoover an old target
12. Idealisation/ Love Bombing. The action of making something perfect or better than the true reality. The narcissist will hook a target In by making them believe that they are perfect and all their dreams have come true. Followed by devaluation and discard.
13. Manipulation. The action of unscrupulously controlling others for their own advantage unfairly and dishonesty.
14. Narcissistic injury. They’ve usually suffered some form of emotional injury as a child which stunted or stopped their development of emotions as they turned to fight mode.
15. Narcissist rage. If the narcissist feels criticism, isn’t getting things their own way, or feels entitled to something they are not getting, its hurts their inflated ego setting off wild and sometimes dangerous rage, far beyond normal anger. It’s traumatising to the targets.
16. Narcissistic smirk. When they for a second seem to smirk over something normal people wouldn’t, as they can not fully contain their delight in destroying others.
17. Narcissist stare. This is something out of the world, anyone who’s witnessed this knows how it can make you freeze on the spot, they seem soulless and most narcissistic eyes turn a cold black.
18. Neglect. The ignore others needs for emotional, psychological or physical needs, they will not give others care or attention, unless it meets a need of their own.
19. Projection. Pushing their own feelings thoughts, actions, beliefs, opinions and traits onto someone else, the narcissist will blame others to escape accountability. They will accuse others of what they are actually doing. From “you’re a liar.” “You’re cheating.” “You’re insecure.”
20. Supply. Narcissist depends on others emotions to sustain their sense of identity, they need a supply of emotions from others negative or positive. To regulate their self-esteem. Without supply they are empty, they will use friends, family, work colleagues, no one is exempt, if they can not get positive, they will seek to destroy and get negative. If their main source pulls away they might hoover them, hoover an ex, or seek new supply.
21. Silent treatment. Another form of psychological manipulation, to make the target beg, plead. Apologies and makeup to the narcissist for things they didn’t even do, the present silent treatment in the home where you’re left walking on eggshells, or where they just disappear on you.
22. Smear campaigns. This is when the narcissist is losing control of the target’s mind. So try’s to discredit the target by smearing the targets name to manipulate others to side with the narcissist. They do this also out of jealousy. They are extremely calculated in trying to discredit those who see through their mask, they will gossip. Lie, blame shift about the target, to children, parents, siblings, neighbours, work colleagues. Anyone they can to isolate and destroy the target.
23. The Scapegoat. The child who usually is strong willed with a mind of its own, the narcissist struggles to control, so blames the scapegoat for everything.
24. The Lost child. The child who gets nothing, no negative, no positive, no love, no hate.
25. The mascot. The child who plays the jester role to diffuse attention.
26. The golden child, usually sensitive and keen to please so the narcissist can easily manipulate to make the child meet the narcissist’s high demands.
27. Triangulation. Where they use others to get the target to give into the narcissist’s demands or isolate the target from any support network. Through making lies up and informing one of something another said. To divide and conquer. To dominate all others. They create competition better others. They will even play their own children off against each other.
28. Word salad. A mixture of words and phrases that lack any meaning to the original topic.
Meaning of words that people of this abuse can suffer from during and have to recover from afterwards.
1. Anxiety. An excessive irrational feeling of worry, nervousness, unease.
2. CPTSD. Complex post traumatic stress disorder. Due to suffering from a series of stressful traumatic events.
3. Depression. An excessive amount of self-doubt, misery, sadness, woe and doom.
4. Fear. An excessive amount of being scared about the narcissist, what they might do, fear for yours and the children’s safety, fear and distrust in others.
5. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn, humans four natural defence modes. targets often fight back, run away, freeze on the spot or give in to the narcissist’s demands as they believe life would be easier this way.
6. Guilt. For not seeing it sooner, being unable to help, enabling the narcissist believing it was being helpful, for accepting behaviours that should have never accepted, for taking all the blame. Remove that guilt. At the time your intentions were good please always remember that.
7. Hyper-vigilance. Always on guard for anything and everything that could go wrong.
8. Insomnia. Unable to sleep.
9. Intrusive thoughts. Things that happened in the past, things that could happen in the future, full of fear worry and guilt.
10. Overactivity. Keeping busy to try and stop intrusive thoughts, but doing far too much.
11. Self-isolation. No longer trusting others, so isolating themselves from all others for fear of being hurt.
12. Self-destructive behaviours. By not removing the guilt for things done that wasn’t understood at the time, self-sabotaging, the present as feeling unworthy.
13. Trauma Bonding. Believing it love, and that the narcissist can be helped, trauma bonding is from being taken up so high to then be dropped so low, the body release chemicals so it needs to be weaned off those drugs released by the body, it’s not love it’s a drug addiction that the body needs to be weaned off.
Meaning of what that targets need to do to break free from the narcissist
1. Boundaries. Your no needs to mean no and you need to stick to your no, if something doesn’t suit you it’s a no.
2. Grey rock. If the target is unable to go grey rock, everything is on a needs to know the business like Response only, as boring as possible. The narcissists know nothing about the target. Limited communication and limited contact, the target give to narcissist no reaction.
3. No contact. Just that no contact, the target completely removes them from any part of their life and never gets in touch again, this can include the narcissists, friends, family, flying monkeys, enablers.
4. No reaction. Never reacting to the narcissists games as that hands the targets power over to the narcissist.
When awareness is out for all those going through this, all professions, there will be more understanding to help people reclaim reality, recover and move on. It’ll stop people falling for this kind of abusive person again, and hopefully, one day stop people getting involved in the first place.