The Vulnerable, Victim Narcissist.

“The irony of a narcissist saying.” Why do you have to make things so difficult.”

The vulnerable narcissist is often described as the victim narcissist as they seek to gain attention by playing the victim, all narcissists are more than capable of playing the victim if it meets a need of their own. They’re also often described as the Covert narcissist, all narcissists can act covertly, as they do their best to keep their manipulative behaviour hidden from those around them. The victim narcissist often just uses their manipulation where they are to be seen as the fragile person within the relationship, they play on our emotions such as our empathy and out guilt like any other narcissist to gain control over us, however where some narcissists want to be admired for their looks, their achievements, their intelligence, their arrogance ( which we easily mistake for confidence.) The vulnerable seeks to gain attention through the grand array of pitty plays, and they’ve always suffered far worse than anyone around them. The vulnerable will exaggerate or even make up things they’ve been through to gain sympathetic attention.

The vulnerable narcissist are also know is introverted, covert, fragile or closet narcissist, they still feel, and believe they are superior to most people they meet, yet they hate being in the spotlight. They often seek to try to attach themselves to what they see as special people, and they will find pity from others to get sympathy and maybe excessive generosity to receive the attention and admiration they need to boost their inner self-worth. A victim narcissist wants us to feel sorry for them so they can control us through our pity for them, whereas a malignant will Control through love or fear, yet they can still play the victim if needed.

The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum. They do have to have at least five traits to have the disorder, as it’s on a spectrum, they are individuals and have different characteristics on the surface. However, the underlying characteristics that put them on the spectrum are the same they can have five, six, seven, eight or all nine, and depending on which they have and who they are around, depends on the personality they have and what manipulation tactics they use on those around them, they can also cross over with those underlying traits.

1. A sense of entitlement. They believe they have a right to anything and everything they want. What’s yours is mine and what’s mines my own attitude.

2. Arrogance and dominance. They are proud of who they are. Some will be obvious in showing it, and some will hide it away.

3. Exploitative. Whatever they do is only to ever to meet a need of their own.

4. Grandiose. If they show it or not, they believe they are superior to all others.

5. Jealous and envy. They are never truly happy and always want more.

6. Lack of empathy they can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes.

7. Preoccupied with power and/or success. Those who are successful will brag, those who are not will blame others.

8. Requires excessive attention. They need to be admired by others, through love or fear.

9. The belief they are special. They believe all others are inferior to them.

All those people on the disorder that have Lack of empathy, Sense of Entitlement, Lack of emotion regulation, Feelings of superiority, Disorder in home life and professional life, Non-linear relationship between facts and feelings, Self-esteem issues characterised by up and down moods, and so many more. You can come across narcissistic people, yet they are not a narcissist, however, if they are abusive, exploit you and bring you down, if they don’t want to change, you can not help them. It’s a great job changing ourselves, so you’ll be unable to change those who don’t see their actions as an issue.

The vulnerable narcissist is considered to be covert narcissists.

Vulnerable narcissistic traits.

1.Self-Absorbed.

A vulnerable narcissist has a victim mentality. They are always playing the victim, and always require a lot of sympathetic attention; they are often highly sensitive, they take offence to the slightest perceived criticism, and as narcissists do they make everything about them, if you’ve suffered a loss, theirs was far worse, if you had a bad day, they would bring it onto how theirs was far worse, offering you no emotional support and expecting you to forget about your needs and emotional support them.

Like all narcissist types, They are emotionally draining to be around. With the vulnerable, it’s, mostly because of how sensitive they are on top of being emotionally demanding. Their mission in life is to get the people around them to see them as the perfect creatures they are.

2. Lack in empathy.

Vulnerable narcissists are often depressed. The life they live does not meet the fantasy of the life they feel entitled to. The lack in empathy toward others; however, they often show compassion towards themselves.

The vulnerable narcissist has emotional ups and downs like those with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, unlike people with other disorders that try to take their own lives or self-harm, Vulnerable narcissists are one of the few people to make threats of self-harm in order to get attention. They rarely follow through with it. They can not connect to others on that empathetic level of how someone else might be feeling. They’ll quickly turn a conversation into all about them, not to show you they understand, or to have that two-way conversation about something you can both relate to, whatever’s happened to you they’ll have been through, or going through far worse, a true victim often but not always will downplay the things they’ve been through, often from the narcissists gaslighting of “It wasn’t that bad.” A victim narcissist will exaggerate to gain sympathetic attention.

The victim narcissist will often be ill, as this is the perfect excuse to get them out of doing anything. Headaches is a great one they play on, as you can not tell if they genuinely have a headache or not. Also, bad backs, if they can not pinpoint an illness, they’ll often make ones, this is why headaches are the best that they use, this is also a tactic to use to gain more sympathy from those around them.

Vulnerable narcissists often appear to be calm, quiet, reserved people, and as they have very confusing self-esteem issues.

3. Passive-aggressive.

Their first line of narcissistic defences they will be, passive-aggressive and shutting people out optioning to use the silent treatment as their preferred manipulation method to punish others. Like many narcissists, they will always play the victim card because they will always see themselves as the victim.

4. Highly sensitive.

Not all sensitive people are narcissists; however, the vulnerable like most narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism, but they’ll twist this around into them being the victim. Even if you didn’t mean to criticise them, they would use their passive-aggressive behaviours, such as the sulks, those silent treatments, provoking you until you react, so they can play the victim and blame it all on you. Insulting you, then passing it off as ”I’m only joking.” blame-shifting ”If only you.”

5. Envious and jealous.

The vulnerable are extraordinarily envious and jealous of others, often not understanding why others get stuff they do not. You might hear. “They had an inheritance.” “They sucked up to the boss.” Talking of those who are working hard for themselves and achieving. They can procrastinate as they believe the world owes them and they don’t need to work for anything. They can be very antisocial. They will continually nag if they work, they often change jobs fast, they get bored very quickly, they are extremely lazy.

6. Financial dependant.

They will offer a little flattery to their partner turning on the charm now and again when they can be bothered, and they will happily bleed their partners financial dry. They will financially help a little just to keep their partner second-guessing. Then they’ll play the poor woe is my card, so you feel sorry for them and help them out more, they’ll promise to pay you back. One day in the future which never arises, while we end up questioning ourself, if you question them, you’ll get the “ do you not remember when I brought this for the house” often something in the beginning.”

8. Blaming others.

They will not take responsibility for their own behaviour, and if they do in a moment, it’s only to get their own needs met and further down the line it’ll be your fault, or someone else fault.

How to handle.

Boundaries.

Have healthy boundaries. These are not to harm another. These are to protect yourself, to let people know your values, beliefs, morals. It’s not to hurt them. It’s to protect you.

Limited contact.

No contact is always best around toxic people, they’ll not change into the nice person they claim to be, only ever temporarily to meet a need of their own. However, no contact isn’t always possible, so the next best thing it limited contact.

Don’t take it personally.

Learning not to take anything they say or do to hurt you personally, their behaviour and attitude says more about them than it ever will you. When you’ve tried your best time and time again just to be used up and discarded time and time again, you have every right to walk away and no longer play.

Grey rock.

  • Business like communication.
  • One word answers.
  • Be boring.
  • Be monotonous.
  • Don’t ask about them.
  • Don’t tell about you.
  • Straight face.
  • No emotions.
  • Need to know basis.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. 

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