How narcissists play people off against each other.
Triangulation is another one of the narcissist’s manipulative tactics. To make you feel guilty to Coercive Control you into doing something you wouldn’t normally do, breaking down your Boundaries, to make you feel sorry for them and help them achieve something or get one over on someone, to drive a wedge between people, gain supporters, Enablers and Flying Monkeys for the narcissist, by playing people off against each other, to divide and conquer.
It is another form of narcissistic manipulation of those around them, and this is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two other people. Then they will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this. Narcissists will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.
Through triangulation, they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they gaslighting people into doubting themselves and shattering people’s self-worth. When they triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening, and most of the time, neither party knows the truth.
A narcissist wants to
1. Create shame in people into not believing they are worthy or good enough.
2. Create a competition for those around them by comparing people against each other.
3. Create jealousy between those around them. The narcissist is extremely Envious and jealous of those around them, and some make this more obvious than others.
4. Create absolute chaos between people.
5. Create seeds of self-doubt in the minds of those around them.
6. Create an atmosphere in other friendships.
7. Create isolation, cutting people off from support networks and reality checks.
8. Create control of all others,
9. Create a feeling of guilt in others, so they conform to the narcissist’s demands.
10. Create confusion in those around them.
11. Create conflict in those around them.
12. Create attention and reality checks going through the narcissist only.
How do they do this?
1. Killing two birds with one stone method. They will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them or talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them. You then end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing your boundaries and trying harder and harder to please them. So they can make you doubt your thoughts and feelings if you bring anything up by the narcissist telling you. “You’re insecure.” When, in reality, your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention while they gain control of your mind, and you slowly lose control over your mind.
Narcissists will play children off against each other, making one The Golden Child And The Other The Scapegoat Child. They will alienate children from the healthy parent.
Bosses will play co-workers off against each other, and friends will also do this.
2. Recruiting reinforcement. They will lie and smear other people the Smear Campaigns they will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions becoming an enabler and helping the narcissist bully and destroy others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.
3. Splitting. The narcissist will extract information from one person. Gossip with another about it. They’ll even lie about what one person has said about another when you defend yourself to the narcissist. The narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what was said to them. They use this to control information shared between people. Once they’ve fulled a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others or fake concerns about you. Hence, people pity the narcissist, which then cuts you off and protects the narcissist’s false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim, and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.
4. Flirt and deny, another one to provoke the feelings of jealousy, insecurities and self-doubt in you. Yet, they’ll flirt in front of you then deny all knowledge, often accusing you of being jealous when you call them out on their behaviour.
5. Exclusion, when out with friends, they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation, they’ll leave you out of jokes, they’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure. If you speak up, they’ll say things like “they need space.” Or “you’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself. Parents will do this with other family members, co-workers, and friends will also do this. The friend that is the narcissist might leave you out of an event happening, yet making sure a flying monkey informs you.
6. Extracting information then using it against you in front of others. Again they will use gossip, lies and private information. They will shame you in front of other people in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, and then they will deny this to you if you dare to ask them.
7. Devalue someone to you, so they’ll tell you that they gossip behind your back, that they are no good for you, or how bad it is someone did something you have done to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.
If you are going through triangulation, Grey Rock or no contact them, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. Suppose you get the chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” They informed me you’d said this about me. Is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. If they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick it facts, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your own mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible, no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns, they cycle around. It becomes easier to break free
No one is safe from the manipulation and triangulation,
Yet more lies you may have heard from the narcissists in your life and the phrases they use to triangulate.
“My husband/ wife or partner doesn’t understand me.”
“My wife/ husband or partner will no longer have sex with me.”
“I’m sure who I’m with is cheating on me.”
“My ex is crazy.”
“My ex abused me.”
“My ex is stalking me.”
“My children have no respect for me.”
“My ex has turned the children against me.”
“My parents don’t understand me.”
“My parents always prefers my sibling.”
“My parents did nothing for me. I was a mistake.”
“My boss is horrible,”
“The Person I’m training up at work is useless,”
“My neighbours have no respect.”
“My friends always want me to help them out.”
“My children never ring to see how I am,”
“My partner would rather play candy crush.”
“They don’t like me.”
“They are envious of me.”
“They talk about you behind your back.”
“I don’t trust that friend of yours, and they just use you.”
“Your parents interfere too much in our lives. We should move.”
“That friend of yours just gossips.”
“They borrowed a lot of money from me and never paid me back. Don’t talk to them. They are extremely dishonest.”
“The ex made up lies about me because they are bitter. Now I’m not allowed to see my own children.”
“I was set up.”
“My boss doesn’t appreciate me.”
It’s to make them look like they are a genuine honest person and to make the other look bad. To gain control, to get sympathy, to get emotional reactions.
Dealing with the narcissist’s triangulation and smear campaigns is easier than you think once you know why and how.
Knowing who you are and your reality, learning that it doesn’t matter what others think or say about you, they do not define who you are, just because someone else will do something you will not, good for them, and you have every right to say no.
They are entitled to think and be who they want to be, and you are also.
If you’re unsure who’s giving the narcissist information about you, tell those you believe it to be a different story about yourself and see which one the narcissist finds out about. You’ll know precisely who their flying monkey is.
If they are telling you story’s about what someone has said to you, ask that someone in front of the narcissist. Yes, you need to be brave. Being brave and knowing the truth is far better than questioning yourself.
Smear campaigns leave them to it, without the fuel of you wasting your breath and good oxygen trying to explain things to others, the fire dyes out faster, yes. I know that can be incredibly difficult as it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves, yet, people have a right to believe what they want. You have the right to stay out of it. Good people will stay with you. Some will be under the narcissists’ spell, which you’ll just have to walk away from.
Live for you and who you want to be, and you don’t need to people-please or be liked by everyone. Good people will love you for you.
The best method to help with triangulation for you is to take yourself out of the triangle, grey rock or no contact, just remove yourself from the situation and stop playing. Narcissistic people find it incredibly hard to play when you’re no longer playing.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Why not to bother explaining yourself to a narcissist.