The Narcissist And Empathy.

Did the narcissist ever honestly care for me?

Having the ability to empathise is having the ability to care, and sometimes a narcissist can lead us into believing they care while making us doubt and blame ourselves when they show us they don’t care for us through all their twisted gaslighting words of ”If only you hadn’t. You’ll never find someone like me.” and many more they have us believing under their spell.

For the most part, we are lead to believe that narcissists are totally lacking in any empathetic skills. We often are attracted to people with empathy, which they are as they can guilt-trip those with empathy, so the narcissist has more control over them, which is what most narcissistic people are after, control. Through Love or fear, they want to control. There are different types of empathy, why some narcissists might have a negative form of empathy. Now when it comes to a narcissist psychopath, they have zero healthy, positive, good empathy according to research. These are the most dangerous, as it’s no longer a case of they are single-minded. It’s all about them. It’s a case of they simply don’t have the ability to care for other humans wants, needs or feelings in any way, shape or form, these are not only negative, toxic people, but they are also dangerous.

Empathy is what humans have that makes them able to connect and relate to another human, to understand and accept other people’s hopes, feelings, dreams, wishes, sadness and joy. Whatever another could be feelings, to be able to sympathise with them, or feel joy with them. To feel how someone else could feel within that moment, however long that moment is. People without empathy can not truly connect with others, communicate on a deeper level with others, can not genuinely love and care for others as they can not relate to how others feel. Those without healthy empathy only care about their own needs.

The three types of empathy that humans can have are.

Cognitive empathy, having an intuition, a rather accurate perspective on how another person might be feeling, it’s thinking within our minds how another person might be feeling ( although all humans make errors in judgment, even narcissists who will never admit it.) So even with cognitive empathy we might occasionally get it wrong, especially around narcissistic people who put on a grand act with their admiration face so we feel connected with them on a deeper level, help them, praise them and reciprocate those actions and feelings we believe they have for us, as their words and actions at that time are strong and positive towards us, we believe they love and care, although once out of that toxic relationship, we often realise all those times our instincts were literally screaming out at us, yet as we didn’t know what our instincts were telling us, just something they said or did, that didn’t add up, didn’t match out values or beliefs made us question, yet might not at that time truly be aware of ourselves, our beliefs were programmed to see the best in everyone, know that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all have history, as we couldn’t see proof for what our instincts were telling us, our empathetic mind overrides them for the reality that we are actually living when the narcissist is treating us so well.

The narcissist hasn’t got positive cognitive empathy. They can be tuned in instinctively that if they act a certain way towards us, they get their needs met. They just like how we are making them feel in that moment. The same goes for when they have the envious face when they are jealous or insecure, not getting their own way, losing control of someone else’s mind and are treating us so wrong, our minds are lead to believe, from when they treat us so right and all their toxic word salad, provoking, blame-shifting and gaslighting that we are the ones at fault, so again our minds override our instincts, believing that we have hurt their feelings and it’s something we did wrong. Leading us to accept behaviours from them we should have never accepted, we want to help them as we care for them and perceive that how they are feeling and acting towards us is because of something we did wrong, we then want to make it up to them, make them feel better. When we give in and do exactly what they want, they offer intermittent reinforcement of the admiration face. They play nice. We feel better as they are happier. They are treating us right, our cognitive empathy feels happier, and we believe it was our fault, it is never your fault. Cognitive empathy is our thoughts to understand how someone else is feeling in that moment, it helps us to try and negotiate with those around us as we can think about how they might be feeling in that moment, understanding their view point, even if it doesn’t match our own view point, so we try to compromise so as not to hurt another’s feelings, sometimes we then put another’s person’s needs before our own, however, narcissistic people tend to have negative cognitive empathy or extremely low levels of negative cognitive empathy, they can not relate to how you are feeling in that moment, they can not see your point of view, they feel no need within them self’s to help or motivate you to feel better, so feel no need to find a compromise, you can be sat crying inconsolably in front of them, because of something they did, and they will sit with a glint in their eye, starring straight at us sometimes you might catch a moments smirk on their face, as they ponder about how we’ve made ourselves so upset just because we didn’t do exactly as they said so they had to punish us in some way to make us, make it up-to them, and yet still we stay and try to make it up, because of all their manipulative ways, and our empathy we just do not see they are destroying who we are, they simply at that moment can not think about us, or how we might be feeling, even when sat deeply hurt in front of them, their minds haven’t the abilities to see how we feel or how they might have caused it.

Their negative cognitive empathy just means they are thinking of how they can use things against us, pull on our empathy and caring side to get their own needs met, Even good people can at times ignore others deep emotions, or not put ourselves in another’s shoes, as it depends on what we have going off in our own lives and minds at any given moment, if we have so much going off, we can miss meeting a need of another unintentionally hurting someones feeling, yet often afterwards or if that person asks we will then feel remorse or guilt, blame ourselves, learn from our errors in judgment. Whereas the narcissistic person mindset when they can sit watching you cry when they hurt others intentionally or unintentionally, they are so wrapped up in getting their own needs met, they can not think about how they have made you feel. They can not reflect or look back to see what they did, as they believe what they did was right. It’s somehow our fault. They can not feel that level of guilt or remorse to see the consequences of their own behaviour towards others.

Cognitive empathy is more about thinking empathetically rather than feeling empathetic, so the narcissists might understand that we are sad or happy. Yet, they can not put themselves in our shoes to think about how we might be feeling or how they could help, only ever about themselves.

If they are not getting their own way, if they have pushed us too far, to the point, we say no more, this is when they can recognise they need to say sorry. Yet, they don’t have the empathy to mean the sorry, they don’t have the remorse for feeling for us and giving a genuine apology for something they have done, they just see at that moment that they haven’t finished with us yet, they can still use us to meet their needs, or they haven’t got another person lined up, this is when you’ll get the false apology, the “if you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” Or they’ll pull on your empathy. “I know I need to change. I need you to help me.” Then as soon as you accept their apology, they are back true to form of being themselves. Then if you have enough and go no contact, some will up their games, using your empathy against you, knowing exactly which vulnerabilities to hit to cause you inner pain and turmoil, as they have lost control. They feel anger and resentment towards you, as they can not empathise, they don’t care for how bad they make you think, which is why it comes so naturally to most and why some of their games are hideous.

It is possible for people that have cognitive empathy actually to show compassion towards others to meet their own needs, yet lack the emotional empathy to sympathises when they are hurting someone.

Emotional empathy, this is when one person can physically feel in that moment just how another is feeling. If someone around you is happy you actually feel their happiness, if someone is sad you feel their sadness if someone is hurting you feel hurt, Like when someone smiles at you and it becomes contagious and your smile back, someone else’s emotions can become contagious and have a direct impact on your own emotional state, how you physically feel matches them, like when you’re around a negative narcissist, you feel emotionally negative, when your around a love bombing narcissist you feel emotionally high and happy, narcissistic people on some level have this again in a negative way, while those around them are meeting their needs, they fill up on their positive emotions and reflect them back out, when someone isn’t meeting their needs they feel negative and reflect them back out, they do not have the ability to feel how others are feeling. Only how they are and the needs of their own that need to be met. So when they are angry, you might connect on an emotional level and want to help them out. Yet, when you are angry they can not relate and have no intentions of helping you out if you are sad, they can not relate, they just see it as attention slipping away from them and want to do what they can to pull attention back onto them.

Having emotional empathy helps people to connect with others on a much deeper level, to connect and communicate with others and compromise on meeting each other’s needs, as many narcissists are missing emotional empathy or have cut themselves off completely from these feelings due to overwhelming childhood traumas. That was their coping mechanism, and they never learned to pull back out of it, when people feel overwhelmed with emotions, it can be extremely draining and can lead to psychological burnout. Often then making even the smallest of tasks incredibly hard to manage, and interacting with other extremely daunting, often when around negative, hurtful narcissistic people, we end up tired, drained and irrational, cutting ourselves off from the outside world, confused and full of anxiety and sometimes leading to depression.

Compassionate empathy, when we can think and feel how another is feeling, then we become extremely moved to help them any way we can, this is the empathetic ability narcissists are completely lacking in, and what can keep us trapped in a narcissistic relationship no matter who that narcissist is within your life, friend, family, members, boss or partner. We can think how they feel, feel how they feel and are moved to helping them, why even the grandiose narcissist might pull out the victim card to pull on all your empathy and get their own needs met. Also why they can hurt you so badly and just walk away, they can not think and feel about how you might be feeling, they have detached their emotions and simply do not care, especially if their own needs are being met elsewhere, they just see no more need for you within their life. Yet if you’re not giving them what they want, they feel anger towards you, and as they can have cognitive empathy, they know exactly what your weaknesses and vulnerabilities are, they will use them against you, to hurt you, as they are throwing a massive tantrum to get their own way.

Narcissists potentially have negative empathy. They might actually have empathy just different from those who actually care about others. Where they can see the empathy in others, then use others empathy to manipulate, to take people down, to find the empathy in another towards them and use it against them to meet their own needs, once those needs are no longer getting met they seek to destroy, they use people’s caring, the empathetic side against them, just like their negative emotions, so they might have the cognitive empathy yet they can only use it to see another’s empathy as to what they can gain, what vulnerabilities they can use against someone to manipulate, yet they don’t have the emotional empathy to actually care about the other might feel. People with empathy can still feel anger and rage when others provoke them on the things they care about the most, narcissistic people can pick up on others empathy, on what others genuinely care about, then instead of using positive empathy to connect in a positive way, to help others out to lift others up, they use what people care about the most, to hurt other people the most, so they can manipulate to meet needs of their own.

Some people can have two or three narcissistic traits, yet not be on the disorder as they do have the empathy to care for others on a genuine level, even if it’s limited, those you can manage yourself around, others with five or more traits are on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. No contact is the best method for recovery.

Narcissist psychopaths are usually born without empathy, narcissists and narcissist sociopaths tend to have had some early childhood trauma, so they cut off the empathy towards others to save themselves.

The best way to handle those around that is lower scale. You can not cut them out of your life, don’t give them anything they can cut you with, don’t tell about you, don’t ask about them, be monotonously boring as you possibly can, don’t make eye contact when face to face, just look over the top of their ear, keep things on a need to know basis, if they are provoking your emotions to create anger, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, remember you can not change who they are or how they treat people, you can change how you respond and how you let them make you feel, it takes time, it takes patience, it’s a learning curve, it might feel uncomfortable, you might slip up when you do slip up. That dark cloud hits, it’s just a reminder to go again, try a new approach, so you feel happy, it’s not mean treating those who like to hurt you this way, it’s for your mental health. You can, and you will recover from this.

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The two faces.


The Malignant narcissist.

What is a malignant narcissist?

The meaning of Malignant according to the dictionary -:

  • Evil in nature or effect.
  • Tending to produce death or deterioration.
  • Passionately and relentlessly aggressive.

Which sums up a malignant narcissist very well.

As far as I’m aware, The malignant Narcissist isn’t an official diagnosis. The term was coined by psychologist Erich Fromm, who was a German Jew and fled the Nazi regime and settled in the USA he describes the malignant as.

“The most severe pathology and the root of the most vicious destructiveness and inhumanity”.

The term malignant narcissist thus far does not appear in any medical diagnostic manuals. There is only one form of official diagnosis, which is Narcissist. ( or other disorders.) However, for narcissists professionals talk about different types, as they are individuals who have a disorder, they are not a disorder. There are also different levels. All are toxic. All will drain you. All are self-centred, some you can limit your time around, others it needs to be No contact. Those with a lack of empathy are those not to be trusted, as they simply do not care.

We do all have narcissism within us, and there is positive as well and negative, narcissism is different from having a narcissist personality disorder. Although those with negative narcissism, that keep going along the negative path will often get worse with Age, those with self-awareness will recognise and emotions like empathy, regret, remorse and guilt, will kick in. Which most often stops people hurting others in the first place, or if they do, they are self-aware enough not to do it again and learn from mistakes, toxic people look for others to blame to escape accountability, they have little to no self-awareness and hit the repeat button, often getting worse as they blame all others for their behaviour.

The malignant narcissist, Possibly the most dangerous and harmful narcissist there is, experts see very little difference between a psychopath and a malignant narcissist, some say a malignant narcissist is a psychopath will full awareness as to what they are doing. These are the ones, you need to be exceptionally cautious and safely get far, far away from and make sure they can never find you or get hold of you.

All narcissist can be dangerous, yet malignant ones take it to the next level.

They are a true psychopath if not worse, like most narcissists they have a lack In empathy, they will commit, multiple crimes without care, including violent and sexual offences with no remorse.

Psychologists suggest malignant narcissism is an extreme mix of the narcissistic personality disorder, and other disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, sadism, aggression and paranoia. The difference between the narcissist personality disorder and the malignant narcissist is the malignant will most often have a mixture of combined personality disorders, They have the narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic people can have traits of other disorders, like paranoia, yet a malignant narcissist has a paranoid personality disorder, they have the psychopath personality disorder. They also have an antisocial personality disorder. Most narcissists have traits of antisocial behaviour. The malignant have the full disorder.


1. Sadism will deliberately cause, harm, suffering, pain and distress to others, often showing hatred. They enjoy seeing people, animal, anything suffers. They will knowingly inflict pain and suffering on those around, to gain control of others, or to just feel powerful. This can be psychological pain or physical pain.

2. Antisocial behaviour, these are pathological liars, they have an unprovoked hostility and aggression. They can look for trouble, even pre-planning it. They have volatile mood swings, they cheat, steal and lie, they believe they are above the law and are extremely dangerous and toxic.

3. Manipulation, these don’t wait to see an opportunity to manipulate others, although they will use an opportunity. They actively create opportunities, they genuinely go around looking for those they can take advantage of, they plan, and they plot to win at any and all costs to those around them.

4. Paranoias, it’s not that they don’t trust those around them, because of how they think, they are extremely suspicious of all those around them, and believe all others are out to get them.

5. No empathy, none, nothing, zero, they get pleasure out of harming others, a complete lack of genuine compassion, they can act empathetically, if they have Cognitive Empathy.

6. No responsibility, although some of the malignant narcissists can actually admit wrongdoing, yet they will openly admit to other what they have done, by telling others that the person they harmed deserved it, at other times they will deny all knowledge, to what they’ve done to others.

7. Entitled, malignant narcissists have that sense of entitlement like most narcissists, they believe they are superior to others and expect to be treated that way. They believe they are entitled to do what they want, whenever they want, with whoever they want and whatever they want, as they believe they are above all others.

8. Extraordinarily arrogant and self-centred. They have a very fragile, super-sensitive ego. They need to convince all others just how special they are.

9. Envy. They hate seeing others with something they haven’t got, or something they want, most often assuming it’s down to pure luck that others have achieved.

10.. Charm, or ( superficial charm.) most narcissistic people can be charming, especially at first, as they put on that admiration face to draw people in.

11. Moods swings, unprovoked they can be extremely volatile and aggressive.

12. Exploit, they will exploit all others to get their needs met, with no thoughts or feelings to how it affects those around them.

13. Take over conversations. They can monopolies a conversation even with a large audience, often with flying monkeys and enablers in full support, and those who don’t agree with them are often too afraid to speak against them.

Things a malignant narcissist could do.

They will retaliate and humiliate.

They have the potential to destroy families, workplaces, communities, and entire nations.

They make a strong statement in how they dress whichever that is to them, some might be smart in suits high powered jobs with the homes and cars to match, some will be the gym bod in the gym gear and muscles, some will be the tough, hard, don’t mess with me look. ( people can look this way and not be narcissistic.) some can be the tattoos, the reputation, whatever it is to that individual narcissist. Malignants are big on appearance whatever that appearance is to them.

They will go to extreme means, to be the top and get the worlds attention as they believe they are entitled to the world.

They will go to great lengths to protect themselves. All narcissists are manipulative. Even people who don’t have the narcissist personality disorder can be manipulative, the malignant narcissist, however, takes manipulation to the next level, they take it to the extreme, they as most narcissists see in black and white they gain enablers or enemies along the way, they have a complete disregard for others, and simply do not care for the pain they cause to those around them, researchers say Adolf Hitler was a malignant narcissist. Look at the following he achieved, what he got others to do for him, and how many he destroyed.

They will show fake empathy to follows to protect themselves, to get followers to protect them. People either love and respect them or genuinely fear them both will carry out their demands.

They need power and control and achieve this by coming across as a great saviour to others in the beginning. They will go all out to protect their followers as this protects themselves.

They will hurt, and some will murder anyone who gets in their way.

They will tell you not to believe others, and they are just trying to split you up. They’ll manipulate you so well, you’ll believe them.

They will do things to others that are informing you to leave to maintain power over you. They are terrifying, and they will find any means possible to end your friendship with those trying to help you.

They will stop at nothing to protect what is important to them if you escape one of these, you will most often need to move miles away.

They are the least likely to attempt therapy, due to the disorder like other narcissists they do not see any fault in their actions blaming those around them for what they perceive as turning against them, or the fact they don’t see others as people having feelings as they don’t feel like others do, they see people as objects to use and abuse ad they feel, how they want and when they want, we are all individuals with different pain thresholds so what a narcissist on the low end might do could hurt someone in lesser ways. Yet, they feel the same pain as how a malignant narcissist would use sadistic means to destroy those who they perceive to go against them.

In a relationship like all narcissist they represent themselves as important, worthy of admiration and love, they might talk about those that hurt them in a way to gain sympathy. They might come across as an unfortunate individual who has been hurt.

As they present themselves as a loving, caring victim and your saviour, you will feel sorry for them. Partners will want to support them. They lie, manipulate and cheat like all other narcissists. They set it up, so you want to fight their corner and protect them. Once you are hooked, if you cross them there, psychopathy comes out, and they will do anything to protect themselves, and they will hurt you, to get their needs met. They may also get others to do this. Some will do anything to maintain their relationship with you.

Otto Krenberg, a psychoanalyst, In studies in the 1960s described a malignant narcissist was more aware of their wrongdoing than a psychopath is.

How to deal with a malignant narcissist, don’t, gather as much help and support as you can, and not from mutual friends, get to safety, no one knows what lengths any narcissist will go to if they feel criticism or wronged by anyone, so always be careful, with a malignant never let them know you know, or you’re leaving, just get out safely.

1. Seek help and support in leaving if you suspect you are dealing with a malignant narcissist.

2. Remember they will not change; they do not have the self-awareness to change; it’s who they are. Don’t try to change them for who you want them to be, or who they said they’ed be. Accepting who they are, and understanding you deserve better.

3. Have a healthy fear of them, so respect what they are capable of, and keep yourself safe, yes these people need bringing to justice, but you must be careful around them.

4. They see in extreme Black and white, and you will not win an argument or disagreement with these people, they genuinely believe they are right, and not only are you wrong, you are an enemy if you go against them, with their paranoia they will see this as you going against them and they do seek to destroy. Let them think they are right and leave them be.

5. Get support, do not be embarrassed about what you have been through you are far from alone, seeking support and talking to those who understand, helps you piece reality back together, know all those doubts, feelings, thoughts were real, that the reality you lived was real, validation that how you feel is normal, others do and have felt the same way, even those not dealing with malignant narcissists. Getting emotional support is a must also.

6. Do not isolate yourself, yes most of us like to go into hermit mode now and again, and that’s ok, but don’t stay stuck in hermit mode and don’t stay isolated.

7. Do not confront them. I’m all for justice. However, your safety comes first.

Don’t ever give up on yourself, and there is always hope. When good people come together, great things start to happen.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.


The Covert Narcissist.

The Grandiose Narcissist.

The Grandiose, Overt narcissists.

The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum. Those who have the disorder will have at least five of the nine Characteristics . How they act is like they all read from the same book. However, they are individuals, and their personalities differ from narcissist to the narcissist in the way in which they portray themselves to be. The way in which they manipulate those around them, someone can have one or two traits and simply be an annoying idiot, being confident, for example, that doesn’t make someone a narcissist.

We ourselves can often wonder at times if we are the narcissist, as most people can act in one way or another like one or might have in their past, the Difference is we can reflect on our behaviour, we don’t exploit others, and we have empathy for others, we can learn from our mistakes. Someone who has the disorder will look to blame those around them and never themselves.

People who have the narcissist personality disorder, are extremely self-centred, they are arrogant, they exploit those around them, they lack the empathy to care for those they hurt, they are often very Jealous of others achievements, they believe they are special and feel entitled to receive special attention, they are often preoccupied with power and success.

Those who have the disorder are very reluctant to change, as they go around, causing endless problems and heartache to those who love them. Yet, the narcissist will blame the very people the narcissists’ actions are hurting for why the narcissist themselves is not living the life that narcissist believes themselves to be entitled to.

First, You need to identify what you’re dealing with, then move on with your life. If someone’s abusive has a lack of empathy, exploits others, whatever they are, find a way to safely get out and stay out.

The grandiose narcissist is the one most people think about, those with the looks, the money, the charm, the confidence, and those around them mistake their Arrogance for confidence, their manipulation for charm.

As the disorder is on a spectrum, and as those who have the disorder are individuals, their personalities can differ, which is why most researchers and psychologist have categorised them.

A lot will compare the grandiose to those who are famous, which for some it’s true, however many famous people worked hard to get where they are and didn’t exploit others to get there, often they were exploited, especially child stars.

A grandiose narcissist can just as easily be your neighbour, your boss, your parent, that incredible new partner you’ve just met telling you all about their fabulous holidays, yet not interested in listening to you.

Most narcissist tactics are covertly hidden, the grandiose is more outrageous, more the Overt narcissist, as they usually believe themselves to be special and with their charm, they often lead those around them to agree.

A grandiose like other narcissists believe they have a right to everything, and they are self-entitled, they do believe they are special. They have a lack of Empathy, think they are better than all around them, and they believe they are good enough.

  • Grandiose v’s vulnerable.
  • Prefers to play the hero v’s often playing the victim.
  • Arrogant v’s shy.
  • Apparent v’s Hidden.
  • Loud v’s quite.
  • All narcissist are all manipulative, they have their Admiration face, where they put on the charm and seek positive attention, then they have the envy face, where they seek to destroy those they perceive to be doing better than them or break free from them. They all try their best to hide who they truly are. They just have different ways of doing it. Some are only more direct and more outrageous in the way they twist everything.

    Grandiose, overt or as some say obvious narcissism, most often have no self-awareness and are oblivious to the impact they have on those around them.

    They are the kind of people you want at a party if things are going their way. They will be the life and soul of the party. They are fun to be around.

    Signs of a grandiose narcissist.

      Extremely self-centred.
      Extremely stubborn,
      No respect for boundaries,
      They will still play the victim when needed.
      They are manipulative,
      The tell countless lies,
      They are false,
      They exaggerate their achievements,
      They will manipulate anything, everything and everyone.
      They feel superior to others.
      They have a sense of entitlement.
      They have a very inflated ego.
      They dominate and exploit, lying and cheating their way to the top.
      They see others as an extension of themselves.
      They are incredibly dominant and very charming, which draws people to them, they easily seduce, and when their needs are no longer being met, they move quickly onto the devaluation and discard phase.
      When their attempts to exploit others aren’t successful, or their demands and self-entitlement are not being met. They have anger and rage. They will destroy others that don’t conform to their demands.
      They can be prone to boredom.
      They are extremely jealous of others and very egotistical.
      Overt Narcissist is very grandiose very in-your-face and very assertive.
      They can be impulsive and big risk-takers.


    The grandiose, although they can act covertly they are often overt, meaning they openly show themselves as to who they are, as they are often oblivious to the effect their behaviours have on those around them, they also usually have. Army of Enablers supporting their behaviour, they often have the monetary items that help with their feelings of superiority.


    They believe they are special, and as those around them often look up to them, either mistaking their arrogance for confidence or through all the narcissist Future Faking, living in the hope the narcissist will deliver on those dreams the narcissist promises and sometimes delivers. Or through fear as anyone who is perceived to criticise them will be Devalued and Discarded in devastating ways, often followed with a mass Smear campaign with the narcissist’s supply of Flying Monkeys. They have exaggerated beliefs of their own self-importance, they expect and can demand admiration, they don’t want to wait in line, they want to skip to the front of the Que in anything they do, often exploiting others along the way.


    They often have the ego to match their arrogance, they will want to paint the perfect picture to the outside world of how well life is working out for them, and when it isn’t, that, of course, will be someone else fault, as they stick with their black to white Cognitive Distortions thinking. They’re often oblivious to any overspending which they’ll blame on a spouse if any awareness is made.

    Fantasies of power and success.

    With their belief in the fact they are special and entitled, they often have great fantasies of status, wealth and perfection, whatever that perfection is to the individual narcissist, career, home, looks, family, money etc. However, they’ll not want to work for it, and they’ll not be humble about it. Instead, they’ll exaggerate all achievements, and they’ll control the conversations to all about them, getting very bored if the discussion isn’t about them, often finding some way to get the attention back onto them.


    As with fantasies of power and success and the fact they love to talk all about themselves and their exaggerated accomplishments. Even those who have achieved will often exaggerate, there is no humbleness to them. Anything you can do, they have done bigger and better, so many grandiose narcissists actually haven’t achieved much, due to their fear of failure, if they were to fail this would damage their fragile ego of who they pretend to themselves to be. They will be jealous and envious of others achievements. They’ll often demean or belittle those around them who have achieved with put-downs and criticism, to claiming others only have what they have due to help from those around them. The narcissist never got that support. Even the grandiose will play the victim if it meets a need, if they can play on someone’s empathy to exploit them, or if by playing the victim, they can escape responsibility.


    They will control those around them, through triangulation, manipulation, Coercive Control, they will criticise, they will invalidate, they will even control through fear with their temper tantrums of pure anger, rage and hatred.

    What can you do?

    Learning it’s not you.

    It’s difficult, and most of us blame ourselves and walk on Eggshells around these people, but we have to realise it did not start with us. It will not end with us, those who have the disorder, have a disorder, it’s who they are, we did not cause it, most people have suffered some form of trauma, they choose to act how they do, they choose not to get help to learn how to manage their behaviour, we can not change it, that is who they are, it’s a hard enough job changing ourselves, we can not change, nor should we change another, although no one is entitled to abuse another, the responsibility is on them not us. You can not control it, no matter what anyone does we are not here to control others, only ourselves, and trying to control ourselves to keep a narcissist happy we lose who we are, it’s just not worth it. You deserve better.

    If a Narcissist can not control their behaviour, how come they change it when their could be consequences?”

    Limited contact, grey rock or no contact.

    I can not recommend No contact enough. It’s not easy. It’s a learning curve, however long term it’s so worth it. No contact isn’t always possible, in which case limited contact and grey rock.


    Learning your beliefs, your values, your dreams, your hopes. What you want from your life, anything that doesn’t fit your happiness, if the other person can not compromise as you would with them, it’s a no. Treat people how you wanted to be treated is great, but when they don’t have the respect to treat you how you should be treated, with honesty, respect and loyalty, your no needs to mean no, and it’s time to walk away, let them go left, and you go right into the path of creating your future happiness.

    No wrong way or right way to live your life, with good intentions only your way.

    Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

    On Facebook. 

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    The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

    For the full course.

    Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

    For the free course.

    Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

    To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

    Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

    All about the narcissist Online course.

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    The narcissists counter-parenting.

    Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

    Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

    Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

    Mind Games.

    A Narcissist’s Belongings.

    The narcissist and what they do with theirs and your belongings.

    The narcissist personality disorder is a disorder, people can have narcissistic traits, yet it doesn’t mean they are a narcissist, they would need to have five of the nine characteristics to be on the spectrum. so some people can do this just because they are hurting.

    Things to look out for are, do they think they are entitled to everything? Do they use people for their own gains? Do they exploit others? Do they lack in empathy towards others? Do they find blame within others and never themselves? If those answers are yes, you are most likely dealing with someone on the disorder. You did not cause it, and you can not change it, you can not control it, that is who they are, you can only control your reactions to it, retreat, rethink and respond only if you need to do so, stick to the point and only respond once, most often if what you are saying does not match what they think, then to them you are the enemy. They seek to destroy, through smear campaign , gaslighting, silent treatments, blame-shifting, and other manipulative games.

    Narcissists love playing manipulation games with people, and they will do so via any means possible including theirs and your belongings.

    If you’ve been with a narcissist you’ll know most will up and leave as and when it suits, a lot of the times when you are at a low point and need them the most, yet some will only take a few of their belongings. Why do they do this? Do they simply not care about their belongings. More about finding ways to get at you, or playing victim to others of how you’ve kept everything. YES, they care about some of their belongings, those belongings they most often take with them, the rest it is just another one of their manipulative tactics.

    With narcissist it’s all about those manipulative mind games they seem to enjoy so much. So every time you are on the rise to true happiness again, something they will never be able to do within themselves. They like to have a backup plan of more manipulation to see if they can mess with your mind some more. Which simply means they are in desperate needs of a reaction from you, they need others attention, and if they can not get positive, they will happily take negative attention. To say they don’t care about you is very accurate. They care when you are meeting their needs. What they do care about is themselves, they care about getting your emotional reaction.

    Those on the disorder are missing emotional empathy so they can not truly relate to how others feel, they might have cognitive understanding, meaning they can think how they feel. Yet, they are incapable of putting themselves into another person’s shoes to connect on a deeper level.

    Psychologists also say the lack in object consistency, this is developed around the age of two or three with the primary caregiver, those of us who have object consistency can relate, think and care about others even if there is conflict or distance, yet as soon as there is and conflict or distance for the narcissist they can simply just stop caring.


    They can leave their belongings just to leave you with some hope they’ll come back because they believe you’ll be waiting for them and they think you don’t know what they are. Healthy people don’t go from I love you yesterday to nope I just don’t love you today. Yet without empathy and object consistency, those with the disorder do. It is okay if you’ve ever hoped or is still hoping they return, you are not a narcissist, you cared for them and wanted to help them, we all accept behaviour from them we should have never accepted, yet we learn and grow from it. Then we move on from it for a much happier life.

    They leave their belongings as they think they can return because a manipulator has to talk to you to manipulate you. So they can message, email or call you up about their belongings, to test the waters on the hoover or just irritate you’re spirt, especially if you have not yet healed, they will also blame-shift that you’ve kept them twisting it all around onto you, so you defend yourself. The narcissist has you right where they want you, locked into an argument of proving yourself to them and possibly others, you know you are a good person, if you are struggling with knowing this, write down everything you did to help them, even those negatives when you were possibly an enabler, you most likely had good intentions. One step better they might try to arrange to come and get their belongings when you’re in. All while they’re telling the replacements the woe is my story about how you’ll not give them their belongings back, which falls into the next reasons they’ll happily leave as much of their stuff as possible.

    To help the narcissist with their smear campaigns, most people who’ve been discarded will feel anger and resentment So what they really want to do is, burn their belongings, cut it up, go to the new partners and dump it, which then matches the narcissists’ story of you’re crazy, if you’ve done this, you are not alone, you’re human with emotions. Or if pack all their stuff up and chuck it in the bin, take a photo and press send then again you have just reacted. They can now mind mess with your head about how childish you are, even though they disappeared and don’t talk to you for a week or five, even months or years.

    Or you pack up all their belongings and dump onto the front garden of your replacements house which might make you feel good for the second but it’ll not last so please don’t. Yes, a normal person that messes up and cheats, their new partner will see precisely why you’d do this. A narcissist new partner is not the same. Remember the narcissist has filled their head in with lies about you and just how crazy you are, all they told you about their apparent “crazy ex.” Before you. And the smear campaign. How’s this act going to look? Meaning you’ve just played right into the narcissist’s hands.

    Best way to handle a smear campaign is leaving them to it, they find it increasingly difficult without reactions from you, it’s understandable to want to defend yourself, yet you do not need to explain yourselves to these people, they don’t listen, and they don’t care, or they are pleased it happening to you. You’re reacting, gossip is much harder to spread without any evidence.

    Please don’t worry if you’ve already done this it’s a perfectly normal reaction for most people who’ve been cheated on especially in the way narcissist do it. Unfortunately, because of how a narcissist is programmed, they will not feel guilty like someone healthy who just cheated on you would. They’re waiting on your reaction to confirm the crazy story off you.

    Two years ago, I packed all my ex’s stuff up and placed in the garage for them to collect. Sent them a message letting them know. Even his parents who he was giving a 7-month silent treatment too, so they came round to see the grandchildren, said how thought-full I was and I wasn’t like all the others, who’d Chucked it, burnt it and cut it up. I fully see why they did this, and I give them a round of applause 👏 for doing so and for breaking free.

    So what did I get a thank you? Nope, I got a message saying “ for someone who’s regimented and organised, you’ve not packed my things very well “ think I almost wet myself with laughter. I did not respond.

    Although I did respond about a telly they so desperately wanted back, the one in the living room that our two young children sit and watch. The only thing the narcissist had brought for the home in the last five years. Even though they were living with my replacement, who had TVs.

    So they said I had to buy it off them for £500. Or they wanted it tomorrow. Well, that telly was in the sale. So I purchased a brand new one exactly the same for £299. Win-win. I messaged to say new telly arriving in morning yours will be in the garage to collect. What did I get. “ no today’s no good. I don’t want it today”. “ no, I don’t want it at this house.”

    That would be ok, but I didn’t want it getting broken. I didn’t want the responsibility of it. I was finally free of the narcissist, and I wanted to be free of their belongings. So what did I do? I picked up that 40inc tv with a grin on my face marched it to my replacements home when I knew ex-narcissist was home. Put it in front of the gate and messaged. To get a barrage of an abusive message back on how they didn’t want it. Hang on a min you wanted it back! What changed, oh yes you got your telly as you asked. You did not get any reaction from me. I just replied, “ it’s outside “.

    I waited and took a photo to have proof they’d gotten it as I’d got wiser to who they were, how they’d use anything to manipulate and twist.

    I was strong-minded. Strong-willed and I was taking back control of my life for me. While they slowly slipped into the someone, I used to know bracket.

    If they have belongings of yours, they’ll not give it to you, and they might make arrangements to return them or let you pick them up, for them to break those arrangements then, as you are most likely aware by now, they are full of empty, false promises, this is just to get a reaction from you. They can not function on their own, which is why they triangulate exes. When it comes to your belongings, if you can get sentimental items out first this is best if you’ve already left, do you have a friend or family member who could get your belongings? Otherwise, you’re best just leaving it, and some might bring it back, usually if they are coming for the hoover.

    You can not negotiate with these people, and they are not interested in what you have to say.

    If all else fails and you’ve had their belongings for a long time. Take to a family member if there are any good ones and not flying monkeys or enablers. Take it to a charity shop. You don’t need their belongings. In your home just because you’re a good person, it’s time to get rid of it all. If they ask about it after it’s gone, don’t worry, no doubt you gave them plenty of chances, if you destroyed it don’t worry, that’s in the past. Just play them at their own game, and either doesn’t respond or just keep replying with “ what belongings?” Don’t get drawn into an argument, the best response is. “I don’t have your things.” Best is block, delete and don’t respond.

    So where you might have left belongings in your haste to get out. They leave to further manipulation, either to come for the hoover, to get you to defend yourself in a verbal battle, or to help with their smear campaign.

    Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

    On Facebook.

    On YouTube.

    On Twitter.

    On Instagram.

    On Pinterest.

    On LinkedIn.

    The courses Elizabeth Shaw has available.

    The full course.

    Click here for the full course to help you understand and break free from narcissistic abuse. 

    The free course.

    Click here to join the free starter guide to breaking free from narcissistic abuse. 

    Help with overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety.

    Click for help overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety. 

    All about the narcissist Online course.

    Click here for more information about the narcissist personality disorder. 

    Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting.

    Click here for more information on recovery and co-parenting with a toxic ex. 

    Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. 

    Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading.

    Video for more information on the smear campaign.

    Video for more information on the idolisation, devaluation, discard and hoover.