11 Ways A Covert Narcissist Will Try To Sabotage Your Life.

There a many manipulative underhand ways a narcissist will try to coercively control your life to suit their needs of you, most try to sabotage you without you even knowing what they’re doing to you or to make you feel like you’re the problem, so you don’t realise they’re causing your problems.

1. Sleep deprivation.

Sleep helps with our ability to think clearly, our memory and our ability to make choices wisely. It helps with our happiness, our immunity and our ability to regulate our emotions. Not getting enough sleep can be dangerous, from our lack of concentration to our emotional and physical health, leading to poor choice-making, depression and illnesses.

Being around a narcissist can cause sleep deprivation in many ways, from the stress and anxiety making it difficult to sleep, to the narcissist controlling when and where you sleep. The narcissist might request you stop up with them. If you say no, they might guilt you by saying “if you loved me.” so you feel bad and obliged, to the narcissist waking you in the night for special favours and if you say no, there’s hell to pay. To them keeping you so busy running around after them even when you’re resting, you’re not rested.

2. Playing the victim.

Narcissists are out for attention, one criteria of the disorder is seeking excessive attention, and another is to exploit others. When you feel bad, guilty or sorry for another, it can lead you to making poor choices because you’re coming from an emotional place of thinking and not a logical one. When a narcissist does something, and you call them out, they fire back, “ oh, I knew it would be my fault. I forgot you were perfect.”. Hence, you end up explaining yourself to them, so they don’t have to explain themselves to you, or they can say things like “ what about when you.” so you feel bad for something that is irrelevant to the current topic of conversation.

You can let them know weeks in advance that you’re going somewhere, then when it comes to you going, a narcissist will claim that you never told them, or simply state, “well, what am I supposed to do.” making you feel bad for doing things that make you happy.

3. Regularly breaking arrangements.

We are all capable of making arrangements with someone, and then life seems to get in the way. We might wish we hadn’t said yes to something; however, most genuine people will try to stick to their promise. A narcissist will make a promise in the present moment to get their needs met then fail to deliver on that promise, yet they’ll not take responsibility for this; instead, they’ll pass the blame, “it wasn’t my fault, you forgot to remind me.” so you feel bad for not reminding them as due to your own sleep deprivation you know how easy it is to forget things and can understand them, yet when you remind them they’ll claim, “I never said that.” or “you must be imagining things.” to get you to question your memory and not their lies. A narcissist will still sabotage, delay, deny and lie, it’s always a tomorrow away, or that was never said. A narcissist will make a promise to get their needs met, fail to deliver on the promise made, then lie, deny or blame someone else. Narcissists don’t do responsibility. They hurt others and fail to take accountability

4. Losing things.

We can all lose things, misplace things and forget things, especially when drained and running on empty, so when a narcissist loses something, forgets something, we can show understanding and compassion not knowing the narcissist is using our understanding against us, gaslighting by hiding things from us then helping us look for the very things they took, a narcissist will take your mental health, claim you’re going crazy and then get you on antidepressants for the problems you don’t see they’re causing you, so you’re grateful for them supporting you. Meanwhile, they’re behind your back telling everyone just how crazy you are and gaining sympathetic attention from those around you, so when you finally wake up from the trance a narcissist put you under and speak up, no one believes you. Everyone looks at you like you’re the crazy one. Reinforcing the belief within your mind that you’re the problem, helping the narcissist further their control over you and what those around you think of you.

5. Deliberately hiding information.

A narcissist doesn’t leave out information to protect your feelings. They don’t tell you to protect themselves. Narcissists don’t hide information that’s personal to another person. Narcissists can be very forward in telling you other peoples business that’s none of yours or telling others yours that’s none of theirs, such as letting others know you’re forgetting things, drinking more, your struggling when you’ve told the narcissist not to inform others, narcissists don’t tell you things that would lead you to make a choice that isn’t in that narcissist’s best interest. When you find out and ask them, while you’re emotions are understandably all over because you’re worn out, stressed out. You discover you’ve been lied to. A narcissist is going to come at you playing the victim, claiming, “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this, because you’re depressed.” as you can be feeling depressed as you’re reacting. The narcissist is stood all calm, saying, “you’re overreacting. You need to calm down.” you can find yourself in a position of apologising to the very person who should actually be saying sorry to you.

6. Deliberately disclose
personal information.

Just like telling you other peoples business and narcissist will be telling everyone yours, any mistakes, insecurities, problems, a narcissist shall be out there twisting the story, smearing your name so the narcissist can gain enablers to feel sorry and support the narcissist in your downfall.

7. The narcissist’s invalidation.

A narcissist will use your thoughts, feelings, opinions, weight, shape, Job, hobbies, dreams, relationships. It can be as severe as everything about who you are and what you do against you. They will reject, ignore, criticise, blame, shame and judge, so you don’t feel enough, as a narcissist doesn’t want to see you succeed. They are usually envious of others and want to see you fail. Sabotaging your dreams by invalidating them is the quickest way for a narcissist to sabotage your happiness and then blame you for their unhappiness. As you feel unhappy, a narcissist will project with you. “No wonder I’m so miserable being around you all the time.” so again, you’re left doubting yourself, working harder to change yourself to please the narcissist, not realising that they are destroying you.

8. Fail to give direct answers.

As we can all have moments where we need time to gather our thoughts, we can appreciate and understand when another needs to gather theirs. However, with a narcissist, it’s a repeat pattern of behaviour when they don’t want to be called out on something they definitely did do or when they don’t want to admit that they don’t want to do something they promised to do. A narcissist will not give a direct answer to doing something with you, to stop you from making arrangements without them, to stop you from doing the things you enjoy. If you do it without them, you can find yourself saying, “i asked you, can you not remember.” as a narcissist gaslights with “first I’ve heard, you never asked me.” then pity plays with. “Well, what am I supposed to do.”

9. Changing plans.

To cause resentment and frustration within you, narcissists will let you down, changing plans at the last minute, denying they ever agreed to something that they definitely agreed to, a narcissist will go all out to gain an emotional reaction out of you, so the narcissist can claim “well if you’re going to be like this I don’t want to go with you.” again you end up apologising and changing to suit the narcissists and not you.

10. Sabotage your relationships.

To gain further control over you, a narcissist will try to isolate you. Not only will the narcissist be telling others private information about you, but they’ll also be telling you. “I don’t trust them.” as you trust the narcissist who’s seemingly helping you through a bad patch when you go to talk with the other person who gives you funny looks, you question if you can trust the other person, not realising the narcissists is setting you up, either lying to them about you or setting situations up for you to trip into so the narcissist can tell others to use against you. The narcissist’s triangulation.

11: Ruin occasions.

A narcissist will go all out to sabotage any occasion that isn’t going their way, or they’re not the centre of attention.

As we can all have moments of not feeling like going to the party, a narcissist will play on this by bringing your mood down before an event or making snide remarks, “are you wearing that,” then, if you ask what is wrong with it, the narcissist will claim. “I was only asking, why do you have to turn everything into an argument.” if you say nothing and go get changed, the narcissist will say. “ that’s just like you holding us up, making everyone late.” if you mention why you’re getting changed the narcissist will turn into the victim right in front of you. “Oh, I knew it would be my fault.” they might then project with. “ you think you’re so perfect, you never take responsibility for anything.” once the narcissist has baited you into the argument, they’ll turn it around with. “ if you didn’t want to go you only had to say.” once the narcissist has you in a mood, they’ll head to the party happy and tell every “see this is what I have to put up with.” smearing your name to those around you.

The narcissist is envious, and as they feel entitled and deserving of all the attention, they feel great envy if they think others are getting something they’re not. They want to be in control, and when they feel like they’re losing control, they go through major child-like tantrums, to ruin it for others or bring the attention back onto themselves, as they lack empathy to care for how their behaviour affects others, they believe they’re in the right to behave how they do, and they will project and pass the blame onto those around them.

The narcissist doesn’t enjoy not being the reason others are happy, so they’ll find an explanation as to why others have made the narcissist unhappy to justify the narcissist then bringing others down to feel better about themselves.

Narcissists enjoy being in the driver’s seat of other peoples live and emotions.

When it comes to dealing with narcissist people, the best advice is don’t, instead deal with your emotions to the best of your capability, see the narcissist for who they are and what they do, then look at what you can do to make your life work for you.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

13 Frustrating Behaviours Of Narcissistic People.

To be classed as on the narcissist personality disorder, someone would need at least five of the nine criteria. Anyone is capable of showing these behaviours for various reasons. If they have a repeat pattern of hurtful behaviour towards you and see no wrong in their actions, narcissistic or not, it’s who they are. If someone is unwilling to learn from their behaviour, they’ll not change their behaviour. However, we can learn to find a way to change direction away from toxic people, to no longer allow them to frustrate us, no longer allow them to steal our happiness because they struggle to find their own and get a strange delight in tormenting others.

1. Not answering a question.

Narcissists don’t like answering questions. You can be going somewhere with someone and ask them a time. They might simply have a lot going on and respond with. I’m not sure yet. Or you could be dealing with a narcissistic person that thrives on keeping you in the dark, second-guessing, especially if it’s somewhere they don’t want to go, as when it comes to going, they’ll leave you be and suddenly appear saying, “come on let’s go.” and when you let them know you’re not ready, the narcissist could gaslight with things such as “how can you not be ready I told you a time.” the more you try to explain they didn’t tell you the more they’ll wind you up, to gain that emotional reaction from you, so they can say “well if you’re not bothered we’ll not go.”

You can ask a narcissist a question, and a narcissist can respond with a question, so you find yourself answering and explaining yourself to them while they avoid answering you.

It can be important information you need, like household finances for important documents. Narcissists enjoy causing intrigue and leaving out vital information. They might say, “what do you need that for.” Or even tell you to “make it up.”

Ask them about something they said they’d do, and they’ll bring something up that you haven’t done because you never said you would, again getting you on the defensive.

2, Narcissists like to create conflict.

Narcissistic people often enjoy creating controversy. They’ll be controversial for controversial sake, not because they care, purely to cause unrest and upset between others. Hence, people are that busy working on one issue a narcissist is hiding another.

3. Mocking with noises.

People can hum, sing, tut for various reasons. With a narcissist, you can say something, and because they don’t agree, instead of having a debate, they’ll tut because they don’t have a strong argument to back up their disagreement. Or when strangers are doing something they’re envious of, they can tut.

A bit like a child with fingers in ears saying, “I’m not listening.” Once a narcissist has stated their point of view as you then try to express yours, the narcissist will walk off humming or singing away to themselves as they feel contempt they don’t feel your point is worth considering, so the narcissist wishes to shut you down, leaving you not being able to get your thoughts, feelings or opinions out, feeling invalidated and confused, which can lead to frustration, resentment and anger, then when you explode at the narcissist who’s walking away humming away to themselves, they’ll turn around with. “See, there is no talking to you in this mood.” “You need to calm down.” As you take responsibility for your feelings and behaviour, you are left in further turmoil and frustration trying to work out how you can make it up to them for the very pain they’re causing you.

4. Interrupting you. You might just be trying to tell them about your day, an experience, your opinions, a feeling, something you’d like to do, and the narcissists will keep interrupting you, not because they have a strong valid point or to create the two-way conversation, mutual understanding. A narcissist will interrupt you to stop you in your track, not to allow you to speak, to get their point in, how they’ve had a day far worse than you, how their feelings were affected far more than yours. “What about when you.” Then once they’ve said their bit, they walk away humming, creating that conflict.

A narcissist will play the victim or the hero, they’re never the villain.

5. The Narcissist is staying two steps ahead. The narcissist might want you to go somewhere with them. However, while there, you might notice they’re always walking ahead of you, not willing to wait for you. Some may accuse you of being “too slow, keep up, make progress.” Yet when you get fed up with trying to keep up with them and snapback saying. “This is why I don’t want to go anywhere with you.” A narcissist will retaliate with, “I knew it would be my fault. I forget you’re perfect.” Walking ahead is a subconscious way for a narcissist to maintain control, feel dominant, feel superior, all while making you feel inferior.

6. A narcissist would rather Impress a stranger than care for their own family. You might be on a day trip out with family, the cinema, a sporting event, the countryside, the seaside. And the narcissist will be ignoring young children, Ignoring you, creating conflict between family members, walking ahead, where there’s a bunch of strangers, and the narcissist is seeming happy and jovial with them, laughing away while ignoring you.

7. Narcissists rewrite history. You can be sat with a group of friends, telling them all about something that happened to you, good or bad, and a narcissist will chime in with, “it didn’t happen like that.” So as you’re trying to have a conversation, the narcissist shall be interrupting you, shaming you “if you’re going to tell the story, at least tell it right.” possibly adding something in that makes them look good that they didn’t even do.

8. Play the victim. As narcissists don’t see themselves as the problem, they twist the story to play the victim those “oh I can’t do anything right.” to the “what about me.” when you go out with friends without them, yet due to the narcissist’s hypocrisy, those double standards, they can go out. Ask them if they have anything planned for the evening, and they’ll turn it on to you. A simple question can lead to an Almighty argument as the narcissist believes you’ve questioned their sense of superiority, their entitlement.

When you tried to tell them you were going somewhere and they kept interrupting you, suddenly when you’re going, it’s a case of. “You never told me. What am I supposed to do.”

9. Exaggerate. As narcissists are looking to impress their grandiose side, they’ll exaggerate anything they have done and things they haven’t. When impressing strangers, walking ahead, when you’re telling them about something you’ve achieved, they’ve always done one better.

10. Know it all. We all have things to learn, even in areas we already know information, growth mindset, new data, changing times. However, when it comes to a narcissist, they will know your job better than you know your own, they’ll know theirs better than anyone else, even those In the same line of work as them, they’ll claim to know you better than you know yourself. “I know what you’re like.” “do you really think you should?” “that’s just like you.” “i can read people.” They’ll even know your emotions better as a narcissist has often provoked these emotions in you, usually, their projection, if a narcissist feels criticism, they become insensitive to you, then claim “you’re too sensitive.” if they’re not getting the attention, they believe they’re entitled to, they’ll provoke jealousy within you, as you care for them, value their opinion you might ask them, to which narcissists will invalidate your feelings, your reality and just state. “You’re jealous, “ or “get over yourself already.”

11. Always has to be right. Many a narcissist will actually say to you, “you always have to be right, don’t you?” so you question and doubt yourself, simply because you didn’t agree with them, as a narcissist believes they are right, if they’re wrong, that’s your fault or someone else’s fault.

12. Shaming others. Narcissists tend to put others down so they can feel better about themselves.

A narcissist will personally attack someone to make others feel unworthy, mistaken or wrong, that somehow your behaviour isn’t right. You should change it. The narcissist will humiliate you, “everyone knows that.” when not everyone does, for a start you might not have. so the narcissist can make you feel bad, often people around don’t say anything because they don’t want to be shamed for going against the narcissist.

13. Odd gift-giving behaviour. A narcissist might lavish you with gifts in the beginning then give you nothing at all saying. “We don’t need to get each other things.” when you did in the beginning or, “what about when I brought you.” if you ask them.

A narcissist might get you something related to a hobby they enjoy that you don’t. They might even get it to fit them and not you. If you let them know it’s the wrong size, they could play the victim of “oh, I knew it wouldn’t be right.” so you feel bad for upsetting them. Or the narcissist might claim they want to spend time with you, so you go with them. The narcissist then walks ahead, talking to strangers, ignoring you, then when you try to explain your experience to them, the narcissist will react with things such as “why do you have to ruin everything.”

Then they include you in less and less to isolate you while blaming you for being “ungrateful.”

It is incredibly difficult not to take things personally that are a personal attack on us; however we have to become comfortable with who we are, so others can no longer make us feel uncomfortable for who we are.

With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life, only your way.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Signs Of A Covert Narcissists Passive-Aggressive Humor.

Narcissists enjoy getting one over on you while they hide their true intentions from you, so you can not work out what they’re doing to you.

There are a few reasons narcissistic people use the term “I’m only joking.” to hide their passive-aggressive behaviour, and some of these are.

1. Expressing their feelings while keeping them hidden.

A narcissists can delight in getting their feelings out of their system while causing you to feel similar emotions so that they can release themselves of feeling they don’t want. So when a narcissist feels criticism because they feel like you’re not giving them the attention they believe they’re entitled to, a narcissist will provoke feelings such as hurt or self-doubt within you. When you call them out, the narcissists will claim, “I’m only joking.” Or “you can’t take a joke.” “What’s wrong with you.” to pass their feelings over to you so they can feel better about themselves. While they’ve left you feeling how they felt initially, you’re then left questioning yourself as to whether they meant it or not. At the same time, the narcissist accuses you of “being too sensitive.” If you were to try and express or communicate your feelings with them because they didn’t want to express their true feelings with you.

Narcissists provoke emotional reactions to twist the story to shift the blame.

2. Envious of others.

When a narcissist is envious of another’s thoughts, they can mock them. Narcissists lack empathy to care for others feelings so they will invalidate them. A narcissist will invalidate anything they don’t agree with or anything they’re envious of. Your opinions, Job, hobbies, dreams, relationships, possessions, the car you drive, the places you go, where you live, it can be as severe as everything about who you are and what the narcissist is feeling resentful towards you having. Hence, they seek to punish you, to sabotage you or take away from you what they are envious of. If a narcissist is envious of your happiness, a narcissist will sabotage your happiness. If they’re envious of your friendships, they’ll make fun of these relationships at your expense. They seek to destroy them through triangulation and isolation. If you call them out, they might claim “they’re only messing. You’re overreacting.” To create that self-doubt within your mind. If a narcissist is envious of an idea, they’ll dismiss or make fun of you or your idea, then later down the line. They come up with it like it was their idea.

3. Anger and resentment.

When a narcissist feels criticism in some way, fears exposure or fears they’re not getting their own way, they can become angry and rageful, so they use hostile humour to hide their resentment while getting one over on the person the narcissist is angry at. They might tickle you too hard. Then when you let them know it hurts, they’ll accuse you of being “boring, grumpy, no fun.”

4. To make themselves feel superior.

Narcissists use passive-aggressive humour to make someone else feel inferior so the narcissist can regain control of their feelings of superiority.

Signs of a narcissists passive-aggressive humour.

1. The narcissist’s sarcasm.

Where a narcissist is looking to mock you, so if you tell them something they disagree with, a narcissist might parrot what you said straight back at you in a sarcastic tone. When you try to discuss something with the narcissist that they don’t want to take responsibility for, the narcissist might claim. “Stop taking everything so seriously. I was only messing. If you think I’m the one arguing, perhaps you should stop talking.” So the narcissist can shut down the conversation while leaving you doubting your very valid feelings to their hurtful behaviour, Or “there’s just no talking to some people.” As a narcissist doesn’t want to communicate with you, they want to talk at you while blaming you for not communicating with them, even though that’s what you’re trying to do communicate with them. If you disagree with them, then to a narcissist, you are wrong, and they are right.

2. The narcissist’s subtle insults.

The narcissists might use subtle insults such as. “At least your not overreacting this time.” So they’re not accusing you of overreacting, however, if you say. “So you think I’m overreacting.” A narcissist will shut this down with. “Did I say that? Now you’re just putting words I my mouth.” So they’ve indirectly insulted you, and when you call them out, they shift the blame over to you, sometimes we would be better responding with “what do you mean by that?” However, when a narcissist has no direct answer to work in their favour, they’ll go all out to further confuse, gaslighting and punish you.

3. The narcissist talking down to you.

A Narcissist might tell you, “calm down. It wasn’t that bad.” So they can downplay their actions while exaggerating your reactions. A narcissist can do this in a sarcastic tone or make out they’re trying to help and support you when they’re actually trying to manipulate you.

4. The narcissists “I’m only joking.”

When the narcissist is sarcastic, when they insult you, shame, blame, criticise, judge, belittle you, they’re not joking. They’re trying to manipulate you into thinking you can’t take a joke so that the narcissist can get away with insulting you, mocking you, being disrespectful towards you.

What can you do.

Recognise their passive-aggressive behaviour, when you have different perspectives, ideas or opinions when two people are willing to have the compassion to see it from the other person’s point of view, meet in the middle, agree to disagree, they respect each other for who each other are when one person is only willing to see it from their way and is willing to shame, blame, criticise, humiliate you, they are a narcissistic individual who is never wrong, and that behaviour is on them not you, recognising who they are and leave them to their reality. At the same time, you stay in your own reality. You’ll not be able to help them see your point of view when they’re hell-bent on destroying yours.

Learn your values and beliefs, then set your boundaries appropriately; if they’re unwilling to respect your boundaries, it’s a sign you need those boundaries.

Don’t take what they say personally, recognising it as their thoughts, feelings and opinions, not yours.

Excuse yourself from the conversation, walk away, leave them to be who they want to be while you go live a much more peaceful life without those who seek to humiliate you.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach, on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Why Are Narcissists So Negative? 10 Signs Of The Covert Narcissists Verbal Hostility.

The narcissist’s negative verbal abuse is the narcissist’s way of being defensive. By finding the negative so they can control the narrative, a narcissist wants to manipulate others through their tone of voice to what they speak of to control others.

The overt narcissist can openly show this more than a covert. However, an overt will still use covert ways, both can say “ you shouldn’t do that.” they might state what seems like valid reasons of why you shouldn’t, or they might guilt trip with those “if you go for that job who will look after the children? they need you.” or they might straight out tell you. “You’ll never see the kids. Do you think that’s fair?”

Why are narcissists so negative?

The narcissists envy. Misery likes company. When a narcissist isn’t happy ain’t no one going to be happy, when a narcissist is envious of another’s looks, career, family, home, car, the personality they seek to find the negative to pull the person down they are envious of to feel better about themselves, to create their feelings of superiority a narcissist will go all out to make others feel inferior.

The narcissist is not feeling in control. When a narcissist feels like they’re losing control, they seek to regain control by crushing another, beliefs, values, hobbies, an identity so the narcissist can feel better about their own.

The narcissist’s sabotage. To protect their ego, a narcissist will sabotage others so they can remain in control as well as stopping others from succeeding in something the narcissist doesn’t want them to, “what do you want to do that for.” to place self-doubt in those around them so the narcissist can remain in control.

To feel better about themselves, a narcissist seeks to talk badly of others, to invalidate others, to put others down, make others feel insecure, so the narcissist can feel better about who they are.

How narcissists create negativity.

1. The narcissist’s judgment. Narcissists can be extremely judgmental of others, making an excessive amount of opinions about others without any evidence, so they can see two neighbours talking. Because one waves their arms around the narcissist will call others over to look at their neighbours ‘arguing’ who are just having a regular conversation, but a narcissist wants to twist the narrative. Someone might purchase a new car, and the narcissist could say. “What would they want one of those for? Someone must have come into money. What a horrible colour.”

2. The narcissist’s gossip. Many people can fall into the gossip trap, especially when around those who love to gossip. A narcissist will happily start a rumour about someone they’re envious of then stand back and watch peoples reactions, they will discuss others personal matters that might not even be true, or they’ll threaten to disclose private information that you told the narcissist in the strictest of confidence to get you to do something you wouldn’t usually do, emotional blackmail.

3. The narcissist’s criticism. Narcissists can be extremely critical of others to make themselves feel worthy. A narcissist will happily invalidate another’s idea, then, later on, they’ll come up with the idea and claim it as their own. A Narcissist will pass judgement. They’ll be disapproving of another’s thoughts, feelings and opinions, finding fault in others abilities, hobbies, character, beliefs, values etc.

4. The narcissist’s smear campaign. The narcissist’s smear campaigns when they fear they’re losing control over you a narcissist will try to control how others see you, as a narcissist will also try to control how you see others, they will tell outright lies, half-truths, to call into question or to damage another’s reputation. Hence, people blame the innocent party who is being smeared and support the narcissist who is smearing others.

5. The Narcissist’s invalidation.

Invalidation happens to anyone who’s in any form of relationship with a narcissist, friends to family, partners to bosses.

Invalidation is when your thoughts, feelings, opinions, weight, shape, Job, hobbies, dreams, relationships, it can be as severe as everything about who you are and what you do is rejected, ignored, criticised and judged, by the narcissist.

Invalidation is another form of the narcissist’s manipulation to take control of us as we slowly fawn to their demands through their invalidation of us. Narcissists use invalidation to put us down, so we don’t achieve, and they can feel superior.

6. The narcissist’s projection. A narcissists projection is a mix of their manipulative Gaslighting and their manipulative Blame-shifting. As they go all out, distracting you from the truth, as they do their best to cover the truth with their distorted lies, as they hide the truth of their toxic, hurtful, negative behaviour from you. At the same time, they get you to doubt and blame yourself and take on the responsibility of the narcissist actions, they get you to defend yourself to them for how you think or feel due to their hurtful ways, so they escape accountability, so they remain in control, and so they get away with their actions time and time again, while slowly sinking you further under their trance.

7. The narcissist’s dismissiveness. A narcissist will dismiss your feelings, experience and, opinions, so you doubt yourself, and the narcissist feels validated that their feelings, experience, knowledge and opinions are better than yours,

8. A Narcissist will yell or talk over you. To silence you a narcissist will happily use their volume or tone of voice to place fear within you. With a narcissist, it’s a case of. They will speak over you, turn it onto something you did or did not do. When they can not argue against, they will complete twist everything around, and they have to have the last word. Even by using the silent treatment until you give in and chase them to apologise to them.

9. The narcissist’s intimidation. Narcissists intimidation is used to threaten or frighten those around them so that the narcissist can remain in control. Narcissists can intimidate in the obvious overt ways or those subtle, covert ways. Narcissists intimidate to persuade those around them into doing something they don’t want to do, believing in something that’s not true, fawning to the narcissist’s behaviour to avoid conflict or drama, appeasing the narcissist to avoid any arguments, to avoid pain.

The threats can be the double bind, where you receive mixed messages, where no matter what you choose, it’ll be a lose-lose for you and a win-win for the narcissist.

10. The narcissist’s mocking. A narcissist will Cruelly make fun of you or those around you. The narcissist can use a dismissive tone, a condescending attitude, a narcissist, can patronise you, where they are seemingly helping you but doing it in a manner where the narcissist feels superior, they can joke with others at your expense or set others up to joke at others expense.

What can you do? 

  • No contact is always the best approach if not limited contract and grey rock.
  • Remind yourself not to go for closure to those who enjoy opening up your wounds, to stop trying to point out the good to those who want to show you their bad.
  • Retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, such as co-parenting, court orders.
  • State your points and leave them to it stand in your truth.
  • Don’t continue the conversation if they’re trying to bring you down, don’t go with them.
  • Don’t defend yourself to their negativity, gaslighting or projection. Remember what they say about you, what they say about those around you, those who don’t do as the narcissist says, says more about their character than it ever will yours.
  • Remember, they like playing underhand games that they set up to win. More often than not, a narcissist is playing games to anger you, frustrate you, punish you, control you, to get you going, and once they’ve got you going, they feel smug, they feel happy, they’ll take a step back and blame you, learn to step away from their games.
  • You do not win with the narcissist by playing their games the more you play, the more they think game on, the way you beat a narcissist is by stepping away from the narcissist and no longer giving them the attention or the feeding them the attention that they believe they’re entitled to.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.