Walking On Eggshells Around A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Walking on eggshells, what is this? What are the effects it can have on us? And how to deal with this now?

Walking on eggshells is the term most commonly used when we are trained by a narcissist to be careful of who we are when around them, for fear of reactions from them, fear of them getting angry with us, or fear of abandonment.

We begin to shut down and hide our real selves, as when we are ourselves around a narcissist they gaslight us with “Are you going to wear that?” Or “You look bad in that.” Causing us to doubt ourselves. The same with our true feelings, we begin to hide them through those fear, as often when we try to express our feelings to a narcissist, they will come back with ”You’re too sensitive.” We give up on our opinions for fear of causing an argument of them giving us the silent treatment. We slowly lose who we are to please the narcissist. Mental abuse is often a subtle form of abuse by the narcissist cohesive controlling us, and it’s gradually training us on how we should behave.

Walking on eggshells is what people end up doing around negative, toxic or abusive people, most often unconsciously we end up doing this over time in order to protect ourselves from further abuse. Usually, when we still can not work out the situation, we are in, that we are indeed being abused, and we are slowly losing your own values, beliefs and boundaries.

Most of the time, we don’t even realise we are being abused, most abusers will create an environment of insecurity, instability, confusion and fear, so they gain full power and control over us, all while telling you they love you.

We then end up walking on eggshells to please them. Some examples are.

1. If you’re afraid to speak up about anything, in case it causes an argument or for fear of reactions, fear of abandonment through the narcissist’s past silent treatments when they then blamed the silent treatment on you. You were told things like, “If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” never getting your feelings validated, getting told that ” You’re insecure.” Just because you would have liked a conversation, their gaslighting crushes your self-esteem, and leave you full of self-doubts.

2. Fear of receiving anger from them or passive-aggressive reactions.

3. Fear of making a noise that might disturb them and never knowing what their reactions might be, from the incredible sulk, guilt trips, silent treatment or rage.

4. Fear of dressing how you want for fear of what they might say or do. Overt narcissist “You look fat in that.” Or covert narcissist “are you really wearing that?” The covert doesn’t directly point it out like the overt, and both ways still plant seeds of self-doubt in your own mindset.

5. Fear of not responding to their messages or phone calls instantly, as you know you will have consequences from them and questions of why you didn’t, where you were etc., it’s a case of they say jump, and we say how high.

6. You are afraid to live your life and be exactly who you want to be.

7. Fear of asking others for help, in case they don’t believe or understand you.

8. Fear of not making their meals right for reactions.

9. Fear of going out with or talking to friends, so slowly you end up becoming cut off for those who do love and care for you, they cause arguments before you go out, or when you come home, or the silent treatment you, or they say things like. “They don’t even like you, why go out with them they only talk about you behind your back.” a form of triangulation.

10. Fear of being judged by others if you speak up.

Breaking free from any narcissist you might still suffer from these as you’ve been programmed to think this way, so you fear reactions from others who wouldn’t react to you in an abusive way, you have to focus on you freedom now, even if it’s things like, turning your music up loud when you please, hoovering whenever you’d like to.

Effects of walking on eggshells are.

1. Anxiety. You may now fear the phone ringing or a message coming through even though that’s your past and not in your present. As your mind has been subconsciously programmed to respond that way to the phone or tuning the hoover on, fear speaking up for yourself to others who are not abusive in case they react, and saying no to others, you might become a people pleaser in order to protect yourself from judgment.

2. Loss of self-esteem, from the criticism, and put-downs the narcissist has drip-fed you over time.

3. Feeling completely shut off from the outside world and others, no longer feeling able to express yourself or your feeling.

4. Constantly apologising to others.

5. Leaving your own inner critic sounding like your abuser and continually putting yourself down. Does your inner critic ask if you’re going to wear that? And do I really need to hoover now?

6. Loss of personal self and freedom, due to anxiety also, no longer wanting to do things for you, as you’ve been programmed to ask the narcissist first. Or avoid situations full stop as you already know how they’ll react.

7. Fear of speaking up for yourself.

8. Full of self-doubt, always questioning how you think or feel if you should or should not do something. Worried in excess what others think of you. Scared to just be yourself.

What can you do about it?

1. If you’re still around the narcissist, start working on a safe plan to get out safely, be careful.

2. Start working on yourself. Some are dangerous, so I wouldn’t recommend doing it in front of the narcissist if you’re working on a plan to get out. If you are out, start to express yourself again, and your own personal likes and dislikes, your needs and your wants.

3. Surrounding yourself with positive, happy people, who are happy to show any and all emotions, and this will set you free to do the same.

4. Create new boundaries, if something doesn’t feel right to you, say no, and stick to your no, and you must enforce these boundaries.

5. Create new core values and standards of the things that matter to you.

6. Choose to surround yourself with those who raise you up and walk free form those who drag you down.

7. Keep asking yourself. “Who am I.” Or “Who do I want to be.”

8. Reconnect with old friends. Those good ones will be understanding, ask yourself if this was one of your old friends and they came to you with your story, would you want to help, most people would definitely want to help.

9. Think about the things you genuinely enjoy doing, could you start these up again? Or start new hobbies, finding the things you love for you, creating new dreams, then taking steps to achieve these new dreams.

10. Taking care of your thoughts, each and every moment, don’t allow others to put you down and work on no longer putting yourself down.

Replace “I’m not good enough.” With “I am good enough.” “I can not.” To “I can.” We can all have doubts and fears, yet when it comes to creating a whole new, much happier life, we have to learn to level up on our thinking, which takes time and practice.

11. Take those baby steps, it’s the only way, and keep going each day, you’re allowed to step back now and again, just dust yourself off and go again. Find your path of the right way that suits you. There is no wrong way or right way to live your life, with good intentions, there’s only your way.

Stay strong, and you’ve got this.

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Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

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Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

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All about the narcissist Online course.

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Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

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Do people invalidate how you feel?

Anxiety.

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Cohesive control.

When You Ask A Narcissist A Question.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

With most people, you can ask a simple question and enjoy a two-way conversation with mutual respect and understand, with a narcissist who claims to hate “drama.” You can expect a whole world of drama and more besides if you were to ask them something that they just don’t agree with.

So why is it so hard to ask a narcissist a question and receive a straight forward answer?

A narcissist does not like it when you question them. As part of their disorder means they believe they are entitled, that they are special, they think they are the superior, they believe they are the boss of you.

They think no questions are needed from you about what they have or haven’t done, where they have and haven’t been, who they’ve been with, as they will never be accountable, it will most often be twisted straight back around onto what you did or did not do, where you’ve been and who with.

To a narcissist, unless they want us to know, where they’ve been and who with then it is none of our business, they’ll often take questions from us as criticism. If we ask a question just to make a conversation with them, if we ask wanting to know something, or if we ask because we need answers. These can all trigger a reaction from them. They do not want us questioning them, and if we’ve questioned them deliberately or not, as part of their disorder is entitlement, they believe they are entitled to do what they want whenever they want, and they can feel criticism of their rights to do as they please and their power over us slipping away, even if we only asked. “Did you have a good day?” Depending on the mood they are in they have to react to your question.

Even if we just ask to make conversation nothing more nothing less “Where have been? Did you had fun this evening?”

It’s not only the question we ask it’s the tone we ask it in, can cause negative reactions from a narcissist.

To a Narcissist if our question is in a calm none emotional manner, they take it that we are not giving them the attention they believe they are entitled to, that inner rage they have will surface, then they lash out at us, to them, this is our fault, not only have we criticised them within their mind, we also didn’t provide them with the correct attention.

They do class any form of questioning as them being held accountable to us, which in their eyes, they are only accountable to themselves, no one else matters. They take questions as them not being entitled to do as they please, this often angers them, their inner rage rises, and they have to hit back. They have to get their authority back and control back of us, and they also need our emotional reactions to heal the criticism they believe they have received from us, even though all we may have done is ask a simple question.

Yet as sometimes they can control this and have a conversation when they do react, and they can react badly it leaves us confused, it leaves us hurt, and wondering what we did, as they can be ok sometimes, their reactions over time can then leave us with all the self-doubts, anxiety around them and walking on eggshells so as not to set them off.

When we know where we stand with people, we know to stand with them or away from them, when people can treat us so well one minute, them so badly the next, often then punishing us with, word salad, triangulation, the silent treatment, and then blaming it all on us, it becomes a terrifying and confusing place to live.

If you ask a narcissist a question in an angry or irritated way, usually they’ve done something they promised they wouldn’t or not done someone they promised they would, and as we care for others and stick to our word, we then expect that behaviour in return from those who claim to love and care for us, yet they’ll often gaslight with responses such as. “I love you.” to the act like they don’t.” a narcissist can love you with words, yet confuse us with actions. Or you get the classic. ”I never said that.” Or “That never happened.” Which when we know they did say that, or it did happen, it leaves us hurt and confused by their responses, often our emotions then become heightened, and we can become angry through the hurt or resentment, they then enjoy that they have gotten to us and are receiving attention from us, they will then downplay and deny any wrongdoing on their part, and exaggerate our normal reactions to their toxic behaviour with ”You’re too sensitive.” or the ”You’re crazy.”

If we ask why they’ve not washed the pots or cut the grass in an irritated manner, their inner rage isn’t always triggered as they know they’ve gotten to us, and they can use us against ourselves, they are enjoying the emotional reactions. As we’ve challenged them, criticised them, they don’t like us questioning their authority, yet because of how we did it, they see an excellent opportunity to gain more attention from us, they will provoke our emotions to gain a bigger reaction, then they’ll blame it all on us, so we are the ones left with self-doubt and believing we are at fault. When all we did was ask a simple question, where in a normal relationship you’d get a simple answer, or even when ones just feeling in a mood that day, you wouldn’t walk away feeling hurt, confused or anxious.

A Trait of the disorder is arrogance and dominance. They also lack empathy, which is another trait to care for how we feel on a genuine level. A narcissist will never admit they are in the wrong, as they believe we are the ones in the wrong, they will never let us settle a disagreement as to them we shouldn’t have questioned them or their authority in the first place, they believe they are superior and don’t need to answer to us.

They will reject any questions we may ask that challenges their behaviour, they will not explain any truth to what has happened and not admit any fault, as they feel no need to do this. What they must do now is not resolve the situation, they must regain their power and control over us.

If we are to continue to question them in a calm none emotional manner, that inner rage they have could surface, then they lash out to them this again is our fault, not only have we criticised their superiority, we also didn’t provide the correct emotional attention.

They will evade any questions we ask.

We can never be able to have a normal conversation with a narcissist about anything within the relationship that concerns us. Their response is often, scary, puzzling, or plain old strange and confusing.

They will refuse to answer the question, to make us annoyed, angry and confused that we can not just have a straight forward conversation or answer with them. They just have an instinctive response to any form of questioning, and some have a more calculated response. These are some ways you may have found they respond.

A few examples of how they may respond.

1. They might try the “How dare you, after everything I do for you?” which we can then question what they actually do for us.

2. It could be the “ Why can you not leave me alone, can we not just have a normal, simple, quiet life?” Even though we only asked if they’d had a good day, it’s just to leave us hurting, and confused.

3. They may completely change the conversation, the topic switch, to something like. “I think we need to buy a new car.” Or to something happening at work, or some gossip they’ve overheard. Which is usually a lie anyway. We will try to get it back to the original conversation while they carry on deflecting.

4. To deflect by triangulation. They will shift the topic of conversation onto other people, away from them. To make the change in conversation onto talking about other people. Things like. “My ex never questioned me, why are you?” which leaves us with more questions and doubts as they said their ex was crazy, or things like their friend never gets questioned from their partner, leaving us with the self-doubts again questioning who we are.

5. Repeatedly interrupting us, telling us that In fact, we are the ones not allowing them to get a word in, which leaves us stunned and confused as it’s the other way around, they are always looking at twisting it around onto us, again leaving you confused as it’s actually us that cannot get our point of view across. They will tell us that we’re raising our voice, we need to calm down, we need to think about how we’re speaking to them, completely winding us up all the more, again not actually engaging in the conversation that we started. So we have to start defending ourself to them, again they will twist it straight back at us.

6. They might just demand that the conversation is over, they’ve had enough of talking, to have the final say, they might spit in our face or push us. Then walk away from us, and give us the silent treatment, to train us never to dare question their authority again.

7. After they’ve walked away, we may then receive the silent treatment, for as long as the narcissist wishes to do so.

8. They will raise their voice above ours, as we can not be heard, they feel we can not challenge them, leaving us in disappear, because we can not get our point of view across. They no longer listen to what we say. Instead, they see our frustration and anger. They then lap up the attention.

9. They might start questioning us about things we’ve done, that’s far worse, even if it is all their mind. So we end up defending yourself to their questioning.

Yet we may continue with them when they do these things because of our empathy, and we want the reality of what’s happened. We want to be heard and the narcissist to understand your point of view, and our feelings, we like things to be settled and sorted mutually.

No need to wonder any more why this can never happen. They do these things and many more if you question them. To gaslight us, so we don’t know what happened, and it’s not sorted. To them it’s that you criticised them, they are in charge of us, they instinctively do it to protect themselves and regain control. Ride out the storm of the waves when they come at you, give no reactions you’ll not get the answers, look to yourself for the answers. Break free forever with no contact or grey rock, and live a happy life for you.

You can, and you will.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

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Video for how not to argue if you can not go no contact.

Nine Facts You Need To Know About A Narcissists, Based On The Nine Traits.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Awareness is key, and knowledge is power, suffering at the hands of a narcissists mental and sometimes physical abuse is devastating, and a lot of us question ”Why would they treat someone that way?” ”How could they be so cruel?” ”Did they ever genuinely care?” ”Why would they be so mean?.” ”What will they do next?” and when we become trapped in the mindset of ”Why would they.” it can then keep us further locked in their cycle of abuse, often blaming ourselves for their toxic behaviour and then when we finally leave the cycle of abuse and they are running a mass smear campaign, it keeps us locked on them, with self-doubts and self-blame that it must have been something we did, why else would someone treat us that way. No, it’s not you, it’s never an excuse, but they have a disorder which is the reason behind their behaviour, it’s got nothing to do with you, and everything to with them and their disorder, can they change? No, they have a disorder it’s who they are, can they find ways to manage the disorder, only if one would wish to do so, yet due to the traits of the disorder it’s unlikely one will.

After everything you’ve been through with a narcissist, you can hate them, and you can wish karma on them, you can pity them, you can have compassion for them, so long as you do it from a distance and you can stay on track with your happiness, and your life, how you feel about them, or want to feel about them, is down to you.

The more we learn to recognise and understand their behaviour and their reality, the less confusing and hurtful it becomes, the less self-doubt, self-blame, frustration, anger, resentment we feel, the more we are able to distance our emotional responses, the happy our thoughts can become, this doesn’t mean let them walk all over you or take advantage of you. It means we can protect our feelings with greater awareness and perspectives.

When you know what they do and why they do it, they have little power and control over you. However some are dangerous, so no contact is the way to go, especially if you’re dealing with a true NPD.

The traits of the disorder and their behaviour.

1. A sense of entitlement. They believe they have a right to anything and everything they want. What’s yours is mine and what’s mines my own attitude.

In a narcissists mind, normal rules simply do not apply to them, whatever makes them feel good in the moment they will do, things like loyalty, respect, honesty etc., is not for them, they believe that’s for you, but they do not and will not agree that it’s for them, they don’t lie about affairs to protect your feelings, they lie because they don’t want you to Make a decision that’s isn’t in their best interest.

2. Arrogance and dominance. They are proud of who they are. Some will be obvious in showing it, and some will hide it away.

They want to control, and they will gaslight with arrogance to gain and keep control, they will lie about lies, they will edit the script to suit themselves, then they will lie to change the story again to someone else to benefit themselves, to the narcissist, their lies are their truths, they flip the script to what they want, and they are more convinced of their lies than you are of your truths, so they will convince you and those around them of their lies, that we are the ones who end up doubting ourselves and our reality, that we should never have.

3. Exploitative. Whatever they do is only to ever to meet a need of their own.

Even the grandiose Overts act in Covert, underhand, hidden ways, for no reason at all they will take you down, hurt you, lie to you, con you, deceive and withdrawal and they will replace you whenever they feel a need to do so, whenever they’ve exploited all they can from you, don’t be fooled though, if they believe they can exploit you some more as you now have something to offer they will come back for the hoover.

4. Grandiose. If they show it or not, they believe they are superior to all others.

Their appearance matters more to them than you, whatever that appearance is to them, often not only how they look but also what others think of them, again that’s individual to the narcissist, if they want others to think they are kind they will go all out, if they want others to think they are outspoken they’ll go with that too, they’re only interested that others think what they want others to think, and at others expense they’ll do all it takes.

5. Jealous and envious. They are never truly happy and always want more.

They do not want to be seen or feel as though they are less than others, they don’t want to feel unworthy or not good enough, and this is so deeply hidden no matter what you or I say or do to make them feel good enough it will not work, we can not love them better, some of is possible want to be loved better when we don’t feel enough, and for those with empathy who can communicate and compromise this can work, give and take to heal, however, a narcissist does not want to be loved better, you can not give what you have not got, they do not have the empathy to care for your feeling, they have no regard for how we feel, only ever themselves. They do not want to be seen or thought of as weak, inferior, having insecurities (which we all have.) they don’t want to be known vulnerable (which we all are.) as to them it is weak and inferior which they are not, why you can not appeal to their caring side, they just see you as weak, however, if it meets a need of their own, they will stoop low enough to appeal to ours, as they know they can use our caring qualities against us.

6. Lack of empathy they can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes.

They don’t have the empathetic understanding to care for what they do to those around them, as long as they get their needs met, they don’t care for ours and they never will, they can not see anything from our point of view only ever their own.

7. Preoccupied with power and/or success. Those who are successful will brag, those who are not will blame others.

They will happily take credit for other people’s success. However, they have zero interest in taking responsibility for their actions, to them “You made them do it.” “That never happened.” To be wrong in their minds would mean having vulnerabilities that others could exploit meaning they’d be weak, therefore in their minds, they are always right. No matter what facts of evidence you have against their reality. To them you are wrong, the facts are wrong, the evidence was tampered with. “It wasn’t me.” And they believe it wasn’t them.

8. Requires excessive attention. They need to be admired by others, through love or fear.

Whatever anyone does for them will never be enough as they can not regulate their own inner happiness, truth be told we all have our struggles of maintaining inner happiness at times, where we can see this within ourselves a narcissist can not, to them it’s your responsibility to make them happy, and when you fail, you’ve failed them, and they’ll find someone who can, yet they don’t understand that no one can as true happiness comes from within and the power of our thoughts, they do enjoy the games of as

9. The belief they are special. They believe all others are inferior to them.

They believe they are better than all others, they seek power, dominance and control, they seek to win, they are not interested in fairness, compromise, compassion, they see others either as a threat or someone they can exploit, they have no interest in playing fair, they seek to win at all costs to us, if they feel criticised in any way, they will seek revenge.

The three main types are.

1. Grandiose. Better than all others, will act and say they are.

2. Victim. Will look kind and compassionate, yet will always play the victim.

3. Malignant. An extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial and psychopath, with paranoid traits.

The subtypes are.

1. Covert. Are shy and to the outside world appear kind.

2. Overt. Is the most obvious, grandiose behaviour, they are arrogant, demanding and boastful, they have rage very close to the surface when they don’t get their way. Ruthless in power and control.

3. Somatic. These usually rely upon their body’s and looks.

4. Cerebral. These typically rely on intelligence. Although not all are intelligent, some just lie about that too.

Instead of questioning why they do what they do, you know what makes them do what they do.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist3/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Finding the right support for you.

https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

Eleven Mind Games Of A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

It seems to a narcissist life is all about winning, and to win at all costs to others, they don’t care for who they hurt along the way, whoever gets in their way or will not give in to a narcissists demands, those with NPD will do their best to control and dominate or stomp out anyone who gets in their way or threatens their existence or their false reality. They exploit, demean and hurt, their parents, partners, children, friends, anyone who gets in their way.

If you’ve been entangled with a narcissist in your life, whoever that narcissist was if you were close at one point you’d know, especially if it was your parents or a partner, you’re left a shell of your former self, with loss of self-worth, self-trust, self-respect, self-love and left full of anxiety, fears, self-doubt and so many more.

Narcissistic people do this to others over a prolonged period, slowly and subtly, so just how do they do this to us?

1. Idolisation, devaluation, discard, hoover. At the start they will mirror everything about you, come across as your perfect soulmate, then they will slowly take you down, to just up and leave, when you think you can not take any more they swoop back in playing all nice to sweep you off your feet again, this is a pattern they will repeat, while people who don’t see who the narcissist genuinely is allow them to do so. They will sink you so low, then offer intermittent play nice, it’s not like they tell you they hate you and treat you as they hate you, most often they tell you they love you and confuse you by treating you like they hate you, one minute they can treat you better than anyone ever has to then treat you worse than anyone ever has, they are the masters of manipulation that sell you a dream, to deliver you a living nightmare, only they provoke you and blame that nightmare all on you. Friends, family members, partners, etc., most narcissistic people will follow the pattern of idolisation, devastation, discard, hoover and repeat.

How to disarm, when you meet someone who’s taking things way to fast and wanting to move in, watch their reactions when you say no, do they accept it or keep coming at you until you give in. The only way to stops the cycle is to get out and stay out. No contact is the best thing you can do.

2. Gaslighting. is an insidious form of emotional abuse, a tactic the narcissist uses to get the target to lose their exact version of reality, phrases such as, “That didn’t happen.” “You’re imagining things.” “You’re crazy.” “You’re too sensitive.” And many more.

These phrases disable your self-trust, ability to trust in others. These phrases invalidate your feelings and events. It slowly distorts your reality, events that did or did not happen, and who you indeed are. With prolonged gaslighting abuse, targets are often left with inner conflict ( cognitive dissonance.) and can potentially end up gaslighting themselves. Full of self- doubt, overthinking and continually questioning themselves.

How to recover from gaslighting.

Write things down, keep notes of everything you need to until you can see what the narcissist does to you, then observe their behaviour don’t absorb. Don’t look to the narcissist for any reality checks, answers or closure. Either online support groups or trusted friends, to help support and validate your feelings and what you’ve been through until the fog lifts and you know yourself again.

3. The nonsense conversation of crazy-making.

If you’d like a normal, calm, pleasant conversation or discussion, even a debate or to come to some form of compromise with a narcissist, if you don’t know what they are, your boundaries will be broken, you’ll have no clue as to what actually just happened, although if you question the narcissist, they’ll tell you exactly how to think, as they throw word salad your way and completely mess with your mind. They will gaslight, project, blame-shift, Intimidate you, talk over you, shout at you, they’ll do all they can to send you feeling, confused, frustrated, or scared, to distract you from the truth or the real conversation, and make you feel guilty or to blame. In their minds, if you don’t agree with them, you are in the wrong.

How to disarm. No contact is the best method, don’t fight your enemy, they know all your weaknesses, and they will use them against you, walk away. If you can not walk away safely, focus on something else and don’t let your ears take in their words, observe don’t absorb, if it’s about children or anything they don’t agree on. Do not go off-topic, in a calm, rational voice stick to facts, only tell them once, if they don’t want to talk about it, that’s their choice, you also have the opportunity not to discuss what they are dragging you into, retreat, rethink and only respond if needed. Do not break your boundaries, and when they’ve got one, they will come after them all. Try not to put yourself in a situation where you can not get away from quickly.

4. Projection. This is the narcissist defence mechanism not to take responsibility for their actions, to place their toxic negative, hurtful and sometimes dangerous actions onto someone else. To avoid accountability and not accept responsibility. They are unwilling and often unable to ever see themselves as the problem, whatever they do wrong, someone else always made them do it. They will not acknowledge their faults, flaws or wrongdoings. Instead of admitting or apologising or working on their inner selves. They’ ed prefer to pass it all over onto someone else. They will blame shift everything onto other people. The only time they will apologise if they believe it will meet a need of their own and is often done by blaming the other party. “If you’d have done this I wouldn’t have done that.” Or ” because you didn’t let me, I had to do it.” They will change the subject on you to avoid any responsibility for their actions.

How to disarm.

Don’t project your good caring, empathetic nature into them, and they will only ever take you further under, you can not help them, you can help yourself. Don’t listen to their toxic words observe don’t absorb; they are admitting their wrongdoings with what they are trying to blame you for. If possible, just cut all ties with them and go no contact.

5. Changing the goalposts and always nitpicking at you. While there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism, a narcissist will only ever give destructive criticism, sometimes disguised as constructive. Narcissistic people are extremely jealous and envious of those around them; they do not want people to better themselves; they want you to fail. They will pull people down, nitpick and scapegoat others, anything you do well at; they will find a way to take credit for. Or drag you down over it. They will also raise the goalposts, every time you believe you’ve got it all worked out, and life’s right again, they’ll will up the ante, they will make sure by the time they’ve finished with you, you’re an empty shell of your former self, lacking in self-work, self-confidence, self-respect. Instead of helping you with insecurities and weaknesses, they will rip them all wide open and watch you bleed out. You will bend over backwards to help and please them, and they will continue their hideous manipulation.

How to disarm. If someone doesn’t want to help bring it the best in you, then they are not worthy of you, let them go and find good people who love you for who you are, change your Limiting Beliefs and start to believe in yourself.

6. Covert and Overt Threats. Due to their false sense of entitlement and think, they are, above all others. They will make unreasonable demands of you then they through silent treatment, gaslighting and many more they will punish you if they are not achieved. They will threaten to punish you, Overts are more outspoken. They’ll say things more like. “You’ll lose your home and children a Covert would say. ” how do you think you’ll manage without me?” All to place fear and doubts in your mind.

How to disarm, keep a diary of any threats, call the authorities to build up a picture of the abuse.

7. Name-calling. They do this to fill you with self-doubt, insecurities, alter your beliefs, opinions and reality. Things like ” are you going to wear that.” The Covert way or “you look fat/ far to thin in that.” The Overts way. Due to their real lack of self-worth and sense of entitlement, they will call you “idiot, stupid, insecure, sensitive.” Anything they can to break you down.

How to disarm. Don’t play the game; remember it’s a reflection of who they are, not who you are.

8. Smear campaigns and stalking. When a narcissistic person can no longer control you, or control who you are yourself, they will do their best to control how others see you, through playing the victim or playing the hero, they will go all out to bring you down, they also might stalk you in order to put fear in your mind, and so you’re always living on edge. They smear your name and stalk you to place that fear, and that sense of dread in you, you’re living in fight or flight mode looking for what they might do next.

How to disarm, stay mindful, do not react to their games, this is hard to start, it is human nature to want to defend yourself, by defending yourselves you are playing straight into their hands. Be prepared when you don’t play their games they will up their games, call authorities over any stalking issues, check your phone and car for tracking devices, stay alert but keep living your life for you.

9. Appealing to your emotions. Instead of using any form of logic, they will appeal to your feelings such as fear, guilt, loyalty, and caring side, where whatever the situation requires them to meet their own need at that time. They will also use over the top pity plays on you. Things like. “My ex cheated on me, and I know how it feels so I’d never do that to you.” Or. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Then the. “After everything, I’ve done for you, and you’ll not do this one thing for me.”

How to disarm. Listen to your instincts; if something doesn’t feel right, it’s most likely not. Remove all guilt from your past let it go, so it doesn’t eat into your future.

10. Pressure. Sometimes by triangulation “Everyone else is doing it. My ex used to let me, my friend’s partner lets them.” Again making you feel guilty or inadequate, to get you to break down your boundaries. Or by gaslighting you into believing you’re not good enough. “If only you’d.” So you work a whole lot harder to please them through them making you feel unworthy. “No one will love you.” So you keep doing all you can to keep them happy, walking on eggshells to avoid setting them off or avoid the painful silent treatments or criticism.

How to disarm. Remember first the others probably aren’t, and even if they are or did, they are not you, you are entitled to live your life, exactly how you want to, you need a million ways to say no, and once you’ve said it, stick to that no. You do not need to explain or even continue the conversation. You are enough, the problem is with them, we often blame ourselves and look inwards, which isn’t a bad thing, yet with a narcissist it’s toxic, and what they rely on, I’m all for not judging others, yet you can call a toxic person toxic, as it’s who they are. Someone who loves you would support you for who you are, have consideration for your thoughts, concern for your feelings. Have a conversation to Discuss things, take responsibility for their own wrongdoings and not pin all the blame onto you.

11. False compromise. They look like they’re going to meet you halfway. Think again, so if you pay for a holiday when they say they’ll pay you half, they might not pay at all once paid, or they might offer 25% and justify with something they’ve done for you. Or something you haven’t done as to why they shouldn’t pay any more. They may end up giving you nothing and making you feel guilty for asking, or gaslighting you that they never agreed to pay in the first place even though you know they did.

How to disarm, do not loan people money who don’t pay you back, learn after the first time, don’t give others the benefit of the doubt, people can make a genuine mistake and do so more than once, they will apologise sincerely, and they will have to give and take Abilities within good people.

Stay strong, keep learning, keep working on you, keep healing and keep growing.

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