Why Most Narcissistic People Are Incapable Of Admitting Fault, Or Saying Sorry.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

It’s extremely hard to begin to understand why some people can hurt us so badly, cause so much pain, most of us just want an Apology two little words “I’m sorry.” And they are simply incapable of giving one if you’re lucky enough to get one, it’s usually fake to meet a need of their own, or twisted into something you didn’t even do. “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” You just can not get a straight genuine apology from some people.

Not all people that will not say sorry are narcissistic, most people who’ve been around one are programmed to say sorry even for things they don’t need to. Most people do not enjoy admitting fault and saying sorry, especially if they’ve unintentionally hurt someone, or made one genuine mistake, it’s hard to swallow pride and admit fault sometimes, it’s even harder to admit a wrongdoing when you know full well how you’d feel if someone had done that to you, fear of reactions, fear of hurting them and losing them. Narcissistic people only fear what might happen to them, what they will lose, they are not concerned for how the other person feels or the pain it will cause, so will not feel the need to admit fault and definitely no need to apologise as in their mind they’ve done no wrong.

This also further manipulates our emotions, we are left feeling, hurt, angry, and wondering why people can not care enough about us to say those two little words correctly.

So what makes it impossible for those narcissistic people to just say “I’m sorry.”

The act of saying sorry to someone for something you did wrong, means actually admitting fault of your own actions or mistakes that you have made.

For narcissistic people who believe they are above all others, want control, dominance and power, the act of admitting wrongdoing on a permanent basis is not possible, they might do in a moment to meet a need of their own, however, most don’t and those who do will either blame it for something we did or a few days later forget they ever even said sorry.

To be able to admit that we’ve done something wrong means having a certain level of self-esteem, which is good information for us, as most of us are left with self-blame due to the manipulative words fed to us by narcissists, most of us can admit our faults and even those that are not ours. Meaning when we leave believing we have no self-esteem, we do actually have some to start building ourselves back up. Narcissists although they’ll never admit it are deeply insecure people, with shattered self-esteem and find it a great challenge to say sorry, as admitting fault within themselves would destroy their entire self-worth and the false reality they’ve created as to who they are, admitting that they make mistakes and hurt others, would open the floodgates to a whole reservoir of emotions they are trying their best to keep so deeply hidden, the shame and inadequacy, the vulnerabilities they keep hidden deep within would be opened up, not only for them to see but others also.

They don’t have the empathy to care that they hurt us, or that they hurt anyone, some have very little empathy, so they might care in a moment yet that moment is soon lost. They don’t class our hurt as their fault, they see that our hurt as ours and that’s for us to deal with not them.

To be able to say sorry, people need to be vulnerable and admit to fault of their own actions that hurt others, and this is far too scary for narcissistic people, they’ve buried their feeling deep and it’s far too painful to bring them up, as this would leave them open to feelings of hurt, it would damage their pride and ego, the false reality they’ve created for themselves. They deeply fear not being perfect, making mistakes is part of human nature it’s how we learn, failure is our first attempt in learning and failing to recognise it at any point means we as humans then don’t learn. With empathy and thoughts towards others feeling, it’s easy to not do something to hurt another in the first place, as most narcissistic people are missing empathy they never see it from how it would make another person feel, only how others might perceive them when they get caught out, why they will start the smear campaign to avoid any feelings of shame, blaming all others and getting their enablers and flying monkeys to give them attention and support whilst destroying the true victim, we might have once been that enabler, believing the narcissists lie so well, as their lies are their reality, they tell them so convincingly, it’s only once out we realise we too were duped, why there is no point holding any judgement or resentment to the new person, one day they will painfully see unfortunately, just like we had to. More understanding and more awareness will help, rather than more negativity towards others. There are enough negative narcissists in the world without us being negative also.

This is why we can heal and move forward in our life’s, we can see errors we make, we can be vulnerable, we can admit to our mistakes, to ourselves and to those we trust. We have the ability to learn and grow from our mistakes, this is why narcissistic people stay stuck in a pattern of repeat, hurting themselves and those around them, they are unable and unwilling to ever look at themselves for the mistakes they make, meaning they can simply never learn from them, as they never grown in a positive way, they’re stuck in that negative mindset.

Narcissistic people enjoy the Havoc they reck on others lives, that high dopamine rush they get from the drama, leaves them addicted to the drama, why it’s hard for us to break free. Living with the high low cycles of narcissistic abuse releases dopamine from the highs, and cortisol from the stress, causing our body’s to become chemically addicted. Like breaking any addiction, you need to know the reason why you want to break it. You need to know the outcome you want for you, If you start missing the narcissist focus on the reasons why you need to get out or stay out, and the positive outcomes you want from your life now, your mind will find a way when it knows those two things, no contact helps massively, if that’s not possible then it’s limited contact. Then finding new hobbies, creating new routines to fill up your time in positive happy ways, talking to yourself kindly.

They have a fear of loss, not of actually losing you, more a fear of losing what you provide for them, where we wouldn’t put ourselves in a situation that might mean we’d hurt someone we love. ( or if you have remembered we all make mistakes.) most learn from that never to do it again, most will feel guilt and admit fault and say sorry, then change their behaviour so as not to hurt others again. Narcissistic people believe they’re entitled to do as they please, they don’t lie to protect your feelings, they lie in case they don’t like the choice you make after you find out, then no longer serve their needs, why if they do get caught they will try many manipulations to make you suffer, from provoking you by not answering questions, causing arguments so they can blame it on our reactions and play victim, to the silent treatments, which makes us feel more pain, and reach out for that apology, explanation to end our pain and suffering, if the narcissist has no other source available, they might promise change, or offer to go to counselling they know we are forgiving people and once we forgive, they are straight back to doing it all over again, they are just incapable of learning, respect, morals, trust, empathy or care towards others. A narcissist would have to admit to so many mistakes and open up to so many vulnerabilities to truly change who they are, and as they see themselves as perfect and it would crush their already damaged self-esteem, meaning most are incapable of doing so.

They change reality, they change story’s, they change partners, they change homes, they never change themselves.

To narcissistic people acknowledging or admitting any wrongdoings makes them feel weak, what they don’t realise is this very effort to not feel weak actually makes them weak, destructive, unhappy individuals. Often pushing all those around them away one by one, growing old most end up alone.

Admitting to mistakes, having the ability to care and respond to others in the right way, most people can unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings, and when they do they recognise it, see how they’ve made them feel, apologise and make sure they don’t do it again. Admitting any errors in Judgment, any mistakes, is being respectful and compassionate towards others and ourselves. That’s true confidence within ourselves and our ability’s, true empathy towards our feelings and others. It’s not a weakness to recognise your own faults it’s a strength, now this doesn’t mean take responsibility for other wrongdoing, that needs to stop now and responsibility needs passing back the rightful owner.

To summarise, a narcissist does not have the empathy to care. They do not have the thought process to understand how their actions would hurt another before they act, they feel no remorse after they act, they can not admit fault as this would damage their ego and pride and the false self they’ve created, they can not open up to their own vulnerabilities or insecurities, therefore they do not have the ability acknowledge how their actions make others feel. They do not feel the need to say sorry as in their distorted reality they’ve done no wrong, and any problems in their life are always someone else’s fault.

Don’t wait for a sorry, if you get one it’s just further manipulation to meet their own needs. Instead, learn who they are and why they do what they do, understand what you’re dealing with, give yourself the apology and forgiveness, for putting up with the behaviour you should have walked away from yet didn’t know what you were dealing with and tried to help them. Focus on new dreams and a new happier life for you. Know your outcome, know your why, then keep going until you find the way. Steps back and mistakes along the way are allowed. It’s how we learn and what makes us human. No one is perfect.

Ways You End Up With Anxiety’s After Being Around Narcissistic People, Methods To Start Recovery.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most dangerous and harmful psychological types of abuse.

The most common targets for narcissists are those who see different perceptions, who are kind, caring and compassionate, with a willingness to help others, empathetic people who trust and choose to see the best in everyone, even when people show them the worst, they believe they can help.

The narcissist will constantly try to reduce the self-confidence in you, and they gaslight you into believing that you are going crazy. They will convince you things didn’t happen, that it wasn’t that bad, that it was your fault, or that you made them do it. As narcissistic people have a natural ability to lie and most often end up believing their own lies, most are highly skilled at manipulating others into believing their lies. Especially when people have never experienced this kind of abuse, or don’t have the knowledge or understanding. Leading to you being unable to think clearly, constantly under stress, adrenaline fatigue, often then leading to anxiety, CPTSD, and major depression, which are the things that often leave people trapped in the vicious cycle of abuse, the lowered state of self-confidence, living under constant pressure and stress most often leads to adrenaline fatigue, living in constant fear that they are doing something wrong, fear from of threatening behaviour, fear of what others will think of them, fear no one will believe them, a lot of targets become unable to function correctly and they most likely have already been isolated from others, if not most will then begin to isolate themselves.

In this state is when major depression and anxiety kick in, and with constant gaslighting, manipulating reminders from the narcissist that you are crazy and you need help, confirming in your already Destroyed mental state and thinking abilities, that you are the one that is in need of help, which to an extent you are due to all the psychological abuse you’ve suffered at the hands of a narcissist, unfortunately, most of us end up trusting and turning to the narcissist for that help, slowly destroying ourselves more without even realising it.

There is rational anxiety, like when you’re walking across a road and out of nowhere, a big lorry is coming straight for you, this is designed to protect us and make us take action to help us. Although sometimes our minds turn to freeze mode where we stop dead, fawn where we give up, flight when we run, or flight mode where we stand up for ourselves.

Most often in a narcissistic relationship we might start with fight and defend ourselves, then as time passes and we fear reactions this might turn to freeze, of fawn where we just give in and end up walking on eggshells, then one day we have enough not fully knowing what of take flight and run, yet because we’ve been conditioned to think and act certain ways, these modes are heightened In us as they were only designed to help us on a temporary basis, using our natural defence mechanisms over a prolonged period of time trains our minds to think certain ways, often leading to irrational anxiety.

Irrational anxiety is when we are safe at that moment, yet fear the worst due to repeated bad past experiences.

So how do narcissistic people so subtly cause people to have major anxiety issues?

Self-doubt. They cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities. They chip away at your self-confidence, either my obvious of subtle remarks about how you look, what you ware, what others think of you, what you are not capable of, they gaslight you into believing something did happen that didn’t, of something didn’t happen that did, they give you the silent treatments so you question yourself, silent treatment can cause extreme mental pain, so when you beg and pled and do all you can to end the silent treatment end the pain, they offer intermittent reinforcement by playing nice towards you, so you doubt what truly happened and blame yourself, yet at the same time doubt your own thoughts. They drive you into self-doubt in as many areas of your life that they can. Leaving you in a very confused state of mind.

One of the causes of anxiety is persistent second-guessing of yourself and others, actions, behaviour or words/ thoughts, doubts in your own capabilities and doubts In the intentions of those around you, leading you to constantly question yourself and others, often leading to self-isolating and more fears and doubts. No longer seeing yourself for who you are, questioning your weight, how you act and dress, what others think of you, fearing judgment and constantly judging yourself.

One way to heal self-doubt, is to start paying attention to how you are talking to yourself, your subconscious has been trained to think certain ways and it’s time to make your conscience take over, writing down any negative thoughts, who put them there? Are they true or false? Looking for things that contradict those thoughts, of you, believe you are not capable of doing something, look for a time you have to give your mind the evidence you can, if your not comfortable in what you ware change it and be who you want to be, it’s for you and your own prescriptions what you ware not others, those who judge have insecurities within. Doubting you are not good enough, why not? Everyone is good enough, just because a toxic person tried to derail you, doesn’t make you not good enough, it makes them not good enough for you, gives responsibility back to the rightful owner. Look for the things you have achieved, good people you’ve had in your life, or good people in the world, look at you and how much you tried to help others and know there are others just like you who want to help. Walk tall and smile more, find photos, find things to be grateful for and smile. Connect with those who’ve lived similar as they know how you feel, knowing your thoughts are normal after what you’ve been through, that others understand and want to help, also you help them, the connections you make by opening up to your vulnerabilities with those who have the same, helps you to both learn and grow. It’s a learning curve losing self-doubt the more you practice the easier it becomes.

Excessive worry. They cause you to worry about so many aspects of your life and your relationship, by being continually told you’re not good enough outright, or by always been punished for something, it might just be the simple things of them always telling you that you haven’t made their food right, the house isn’t clean enough, how could you be late? If you plan to go out fearing their reactions when you tell them, or when you get home, the silent treatments they give you, to financial abuse, where they either beg and plead for all your money, taking loans out for them, or they limit the money they give you causing financial stress, constantly worrying about what mood they’ll wake up in, to what mood they are in when you get home or they arrive home, not daring to speak up for yourself for fear of reactions as they are never looking for compromise it’s always their way or you get punished way, living in fear of what they might do, what they might say to others. Worrying about the actual relationship and what’s happening, worrying about your own mind and only getting reality checks from the very person who’s confusing you and doing their utmost to take you down. Worrying if they are cheating, never getting the answers you’re looking for. Worrying about what others think, worrying about what you can or can not do.

One cause of anxiety is excessive fear or worry. We all have normal worry’s in life, it becomes excessive when you’re living it nearly every moment of your life, and a narcissist will train you to worry about so much theirs rarely a moment when you’re not worried about one thing or another. Even when they play nice your worried that the not so nice will come back out, treading on eggshells around them, trying your utmost not to upset them with anything you say or do, and as a narcissist doesn’t truly know themselves that switch can get flicked at any moment, even when you’ve done nothing and done your best to keep them happy, they will manipulate by blame-shifting, provoking you or the silent treatment so you look for what you did wrong and find ways to fix it. This excessive worry and negative thoughts most often continue after the relationship is over.

Ways to heal from excessive worry. Writing down all your worries, looking at the ones you can take action on, don’t spend all day every day on it, set a time and a time limit, then go about crossing off those normal worry’s you can not do anything about and focus on the ones you can, then take action, watch how you talk to yourself, pull you up on any negative remarks towards yourself, stop telling yourself you can not as your mind starts to believe it and start telling yourself you can, is one place to start, give yourself time it’s a learning curve, when babies learn to walk it takes practice, yet they don’t give up. Do not give up on yourself you can do this. Finding evidence of your thoughts, looking for times you have down something, or someone else has to prove to yourself that it is possible. Don’t predict bad things will happen that is not happening, look at the outcomes you want, focus on what you want and take action, your mind will find a way. Talking with others who have felt the same can also help give outside perspectives on your worry’s that you might be taking out of context, they might also have solutions you’ve not thought of that helped them and can help you. Exercise, meditation and yoga can help massively.

Compulsive behaviour. Living or being around a narcissist causes so much uncertainty within our lives, not knowing what’s going to happen next, who they are going to be that day, if the bills will be paid, where you’ll live, triangulation from the narcissist about those around you, fearing that others don’t like you, uncertainty who genuinely cares.

One cause of anxiety is compulsive behaviour, when you’re around negative toxic people and you have so much uncertainty your body and mind start to crave certainty, this can be down to routines of cleaning, what and when you eat, developing patterns know as rituals that you have to do or you feel worse, now there is nothing wrong with routines, there is nothing wrong with exercising every day, or having a clean home, it’s all about how you want to live your life, and what suits you. OCD is a chronic behaviour that doesn’t actually serve you.

Cognitive behaviour therapy is one way to help overcome OCD. This treatment can take 6 to 12 months. Watching how you talk to yourself helps also. OCD if you can learn to self-manage, trying to break the pattern your in, so if you wash your hands 10 times, tell yourself it now needs to be 9 and keep going until you’re convinced them to go for 8 etc. If it’s cleaning, see if you can tell yourself, no not hoovering now, something else on, and find somewhere to go, especially out of the home, fill your time elsewhere, start slow as changing your routines to quick will not help you in the long run.

Panic, and fear. Through their many manipulative punishments, narcissistic people train you to panic and fear their reactions, with some it’s if you don’t message them straight away, answer the phone as soon as they call. Due to the questions, you get from them if you don’t, or the silent treatments towards you. They are attitude if you sever someone before them. If your out and the waiting staff make you wait purely because they are busy and take time. Yet the fuss and abusive sometimes obvious and sometimes subtle they make at those people, threats they make towards you, even the subtle, ” I wouldn’t if I was you.” causes you to constantly live on edge from their reaction and start panicking about other people also.

One cause of anxiety is panic and then you might end up with panic attacks through fear of past experiences, the overwhelming fear and helplessness doesn’t just disappear once out of the relationship, for some it does for most their is scars to heal, you might even still be in fear of them even though you are free, receiving endless threats, smear campaigns, their flying monkeys and enables coming at you.

Taking a stand and calling the authorities, most don’t do this during the relationship through fear, and most don’t after through fear of not been understood, psychological abuse is getting more awareness now, you must call them and at that moment especially at the start, before you start to think, you need to keep your self safe and you need a picture building up with the authorities of who they truly are. This is taking a stand, creating boundaries and letting them know you’ll no longer accept their abusive behaviour.

Whatever triggers your fears and panic, learn to recognize them, see if its rational, if the phones ringing and that’s one that triggers you, tell yourself ” I am safe now.” learn to leave your phone in another room, find a good anchor, a photo to look at, something to hold. When you feel it coming stop and focus on deep breaths, talk to yourself positively.

Sleep problems. Narcissists can play havoc with your sleep, from laying awake wondering where they are, to them waking you up in the middle of the night, some even put that much fear into you, you go to bed when they tell you to go to bed. Jist living under constant stress can cause sleep problems, even when you are asleep your mind might not fully shut off and rest.

not getting enough sleep can cause you problems in other areas of your life, if you’ve got financial problems, stress, worry’s, the lack of sleep is only going to emphasise these things, sometimes anxiety starts before sleep problems, others sleep problems start before anxiety.

Trying to go to bed five minutes early each night, trying to nap during the day can help, just not late on if it affects you falling asleep at night, trying to get up five minutes early each day, which isn’t always easy, yet might help you fall to sleep better and night, getting your mind and body into a new sleep routine so it works for you and a routine so your mind gets trained by you when to switch off and fall to sleep, exercise regularly, making your bedroom comfortable, the lighting, the heat, putting some calming music on. Set a time as above to deal with any worry’s but don’t leave it until bedtime. When laid in bed start dreaming new dreams, look for the good, things to be grateful for, tune your imagination into to working for you and visioning what you would like life to look like six months from now, create your own happy positive script.

It takes time to heal, that time depends on who you are, its possible, you can and you will overcome anxiety. Keep working on you, get extra help and support when needed, you are not alone in how you feel, good people will help you.

Why You Get Confused And Feel Like You’re Going Crazy In A Narcissistic Relationship. Cognitive Dissonance And Induced Compliance, Belief Disinformation, Forbidden Behaviours And Free Choice

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

To understand more of how a narcissist takes control of your mind, the theory’s behind cognitive dissonance and the different parts that play a major part in how easy it is for your mind to be sucked in by narcissistic people.

One of our basic emotional human needs discovered by Tony Robbins is Love and connection, which is the strong human need to love and connect with someone or something.

Beliefs are thoughts in our minds, that influence our own attitudes, actions and behaviours. The power of choice to what we do and do not want to believe, beliefs are only thoughts and not real and once we have more understanding on these, we then have the power to change them to work for us. If you grew up with two parents remaining together, so you believed that how it’s done, or your parents where separated so you wanted different for your children, or religious or various other factors, your beliefs in relationships might be you stick together no matter what happens, that relationships are hard and you have to work at them, which yes relationships can go through rough patches and good people who communicate and compromise can work things out, when you’re with a toxic person you need to change those beliefs and realise you don’t have to stay. Core Beliefs are formed in early childhood, other beliefs are formed within our minds, through our own personal experience or what others tell us to be true, why even if you have the same beliefs the interpretation of those varies from person to person.

Values, good values in good relationships are honesty, loyalty, respect, understanding and self-discipline.

Narcissists look for those beliefs and values in people either on a conscience or subconscious level, then they cause massive conflict with those beliefs causing you confusing thoughts and to doubt your own judgment and thinking abilities.

When you meet them, you will most often be on the receiving end of love bombing, this is to manipulate and influence you. Doing favours for you, as when someone does favours for you, your perceptions of that person are good and your feelings are extremely positive towards them. Overwhelming you will receive adoration and attention, manipulating you to spend more and more time with them. And why wouldn’t you? You feel a great connection, truly understood and very loved meeting one of your human needs. They gain your love and trust with flattery, attention, commitment, promises of marriage, they’ll try to move the relationship on very quickly, things like “if I moved in we’d see each other more and I could really help you around the home, share bills.” Or. “If you move in with me, you can stop working and I’ll take care off all the bills.” Any personal problems or outside situations you are having, in the beginning, they will be there to help any way they can, they want to think you’ve met the kindest person ever and admire them. Most will even drop hints subtle or obvious of just how amazing they are for you. They might constantly shower you with gifts or trips.

This is all manipulation to confuse your mind, which causes cognitive dissonance and then induced Compliance. Cognitive dissonance is a state of mind, your own thoughts, where there is conflicting, beliefs, realities or thoughts. Narcissists help you at the start to gain admiration from you, they will then at some point use this against you to break down your boundaries. ” after all I did for you.” Or words to that effect. With most narcissistic people once you are hooked they’ll actually no longer be doing anything for you, yet they’ll constantly remind you of things they have in the past. You’re used to spending so much time around them, often dropping hobbies as they so desperately wanted to be with you and they make you feel so good about yourself in the beginning, then they’ll just disappear on you, again manipulation of your mind, as you lived that life, that reality when they wanted to spend so much time with you. Then you are left believing it’s your fault. They’ll start putting you down, insulting you to further manipulate your self-worth and gain more control over your mind. All those first promises they suddenly change to, they’re not ready for marriage, they never said that, or you took it out of context. This is all a form of gaslighting which is an insidious form of mental abuse to get you to doubt your own reality.

To start they matched all your beliefs and values, you lived the fairytale and your mind believes it as it’s seen at that moment that exact reality when they change into someone you don’t recognise and they cause you pain and hurt you. you might have had enough and try to end it, they’ll bring back all the charm in the beginning, causing cognitive dissonance. When they say things to you like. “Why do you have to make life so hard.” Or “if only you’d have done this.” Then threaten or intimidate you, even sulking or giving you the silent treatment, so you try really hard, begging with them, pleading with them, doing all you can to make it up to them, then they give you the reinforcement of playing nice all the charm they had in the beginning, your mind is getting trained by them to believe it’s all your doing for any problems or conflict within the relationship, that in actual fact there is nothing wrong with them and everything wrong with you, so you change your behaviour time and time again, walking on eggshells trying to please them so they don’t throw a massive tantrums which cause you pain. When your mind perceives something like pleasure, a good emotion, when you’ve been trained how to act and when you act exactly how they want they will reward you, causing induced Compliance in your mind. When you don’t do exactly as they please they punish you, through many manipulation tactics, causing induced Compliance as those punishments cause you great pain, so you do all you can to avoid that pain.

The ups and downs release cortisol from the stress and dopamine from the highs, these are highly addictive natural chemicals the body releases and you do become addicted, once addicted it becomes increasingly harder to walk free. You will have or you will reach that point where you break free, learn about what’s happened to you and never go back.

Cognitive dissonance within your mind has variables.

Belief disinformation. When your beliefs are being contradicted, as the narcissists have to lead you to believe one story, then delivers another that contradicts the first belief, with intermittent reinforcement of the first story, causing psychological mental stress within your mind, that stress releases cortisol which is addictive in itself. Yet to reduce the mental stress off the reality that’s so painful your mind chooses to believe the less mentally stress full idea to relieve yourself of the painful thoughts leading you to downplay the abusive behavior from the narcissist, which of course is helped by the narcissists carefully chosen blame-shifting words of ”it wasn’t that bad, it was your fault, that never happened, it didn’t happen that way, you made me do it.” and the rest. As you seek moral support from the very person you don’t see is persuading you that your reality isn’t real, you don’t change your beliefs to the truth of the situation, your mind unwittingly sticks to your original belief. Which gives you the brain fog, when you can see something yet you can not believe it to be true or really see it.

Induced compliance of forced compliance, after a narcissist preforms dissonant behaviour towards you, ( lying ) they find ways through manipulative words to get you to agree to their way of thinking, their reality and their truths, even though these are not factual, as the narcissist doesn’t want to accept responsibility for their own behaviour and is never accountable. They gaslight you psychological through words, actions and sometimes moving items for their own self-justification. So even when you know they said or did something they will twist it all around, leaving you getting more and more confused. They will tell you or show an example of when they treated you right. They will intimidate you. Threaten you, they will use many manipulation tactics so you are forced to comply with their ways of thinking, as your mind believes this will cause you less pain. Either from past hurtful actions of their behaviour towards you. Fear of reactions. Leading you to walk on eggshells around them, forcing you to behave how they want. All whilst you don’t see what’s truly happening to you.

Forbidden behaviour. The severity of the threat on the devaluation of the forbidden behaviour. With some narcissistic people this can be down to when and where you sleep, who you go out with, where you go, if you work, what you wear, how long or the colour of your hair, when you have sex together, when you answer your phone, so when you’ve been programmed to know you’ll get punishment from the sulks, the silent treatment, arguments, never-ending questions, threats, and all the other manipulation tactics they use to cause you mental pain and negative emotions. They get you to unwittingly conform the their way of living and their way of acting, behaving and thinking, it stops you from being true to who you truly are and what you truly want to do for the fear of the consequences to your actions of living a free life and how you should be able to live.

Free choice. Changes in the desirability of your freedom of choice, this part is what makes it so difficult for people to walk free form narcissistic relationships. The free choice aspect of cognitive dissonance occurs when you are faced with a difficult decision, when they always appear to be an aspect of rejection or discomfort to what you choose, so you might want to go out for you, yet you know the narcissist will make it difficult and it’ll cause arguments and upset, yet if you don’t go out you’ll feel anger and frustration that you didn’t get to do what you’d like, yet know you’ll not get negative reactions from the narcissist. When you decide enough is enough and you want out, yet if you stay you believe you can help them and get the good times back although you fear them and their negative behaviour towards you, if you leave it’ll also cause pain, the fear of the breakdown of the relationship, pride and ego damaged as your own beliefs that you could make it work didn’t happen, feeling guilty for leaving them, or in fear of what they might do from threats of. “you’ll pay if you leave.” or “I’ll make you wish.” Then if the narcissist was the one to leave you. You’ve got the thoughts of freedom yet those thoughts of no one else will love me, I’ll be alone, again mostly from the toxic words the narcissist drilled into your mind. So you think you want them back to help comfort you from all this pain, most often they are with someone new, again this causes your thoughts to go into, what was wrong with me? What’s so special about the new? Social norms and judgment from others also play a part, worrying what others will think of you, and when you don’t open up with the right people, you’re left with so many negative thoughts, the difficult choice between getting help and support and the effects it might have, or isolating yourself from the world.

These thoughts can be resolved by changing the challenged beliefs, getting out of the situation and away from the narcissist is an extremely difficult thing to do, yet the longer you are away the clearer you own mind becomes, psychological dissonance slowly fades and psychological consonance is restored, especially when you seek out moral support from those who’ve lived the same and at one point shared those same contradicted beliefs, your reality becomes restored and your future becomes so much clearer and brighter.

Music can also help, classical music can be the best, any music you personally enjoy will also help.

when you make the choice for no contact, or limited contact if you can not go no contact due to having children together, the more you are away from them, the more your mind can start to think clearly, the trance they put you under slowly fades, the fog lifts, and you can start to think and act for yourself again and do what’s right for you and what makes you happy, they more you connect with those that have lived it and understand it the more you can put reality back into your own mind, the more you learn about narcissistic behaviour and the effects it has on you the less you’ll ask, why are they doing this to me? Especially with smear campaigns and endless games of those narcissistic people you just can not seem to shake off. The more you’ll see their pattern in behaviour, what they are doing, the more you’ll be able to laugh at how unbelievable yet believable their behaviour and true nature is, the less it’ll impact on your life and your emotions, and the more you will come to realise you never even knew them let alone loved them, it was all an illusion of mind trickery and you can get control back of your mind, your thoughts and your feelings to reach the place of I’m in control of my own happiness and my own life now. You can and you will.

Why Recovery From A Narcissistic Relationship Can Be Extremely Hard.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Three questions I get asked often are. how long will it take to recover? Why is it so hard to recover? And I was doing so well why have I taken steps backwards?

How long has varies factors, the first is we are all individuals, it also depends on how long you were with the narcissist, how many you’ve been around and who you are? What you want from your life now? The only true answer is you can and you will recover.

Taking steps backwards is ok and part of life, don’t worry about those, easier said than done, instead focus on the steps you have taken forwards and how well you are doing, life gets hard at times, we all have bad moments, low moments, those days, it’s learning to make those days less and less, so when a situation hits, you don’t let it affect your entire day.

Why’s it so hard to recover, well to start with we are constantly being told it’s hard, so we believe it’s hard, we are told by those who’ve survived before and all the obstacles it’s going to be hard and tricky, so then when you’re doing well after a week, a month or six months, your mind begins to think, this was supposed to be hard so some of use then question what’s wrong with me why is this so easy, then we start looking for obstacles and it becomes hard again, instead focus on if you work on you one moment at a time, if you look inwards to heal and recover step by step, it will become easy to recover, and remember that it will become easy, the more your mind hears it from you, the more it believes it and the more it’ll help you make it easy. I’m not saying it is easy I’m saying focus on the fact it is, don’t miss steps out, just keep looking at the things you have healed from so far, or where you’d like to be next year at this time, focus on creating the thoughts in your mind that work for you.

Most men and women who’ve experienced relationships with a narcissistic person all share a similar experience, similar emotions and similar confusing thoughts especially until the fog begins to lift. Even when your out and know you know you want nothing to do with them. The games they play or the court battles you face, they keep you trapped in that loop, still abusing you through vindictive games, court systems and smear campaigns, and when you feel angry or hurt, or sometimes stupid believing that they might be playing nice when they were just setting up another devastating blow and you didn’t see it coming, you might question your own emotions and motives, they still have you doubting yourself, questioning you when it’s not you, or never was you, it’s time to pass responsibility back to the rightful owner the narcissist and take a stand and responsibility for learning the real reality and your own happiness. Remembering you are not stupid and even the most intelligent and wisest of people get sucked into the world of narcissistic people when we haven’t yet learned about something we don’t know what it is or what will happen. Life is about learning, most of us don’t look at a book and just read it, we were taught by others, nobody is stupid if they can not read, it just means they haven’t learned that particular skill set.

Recovery from a narcissistic relationship is something on its own level of crazy-making. Whilst you’re trying to piece your own life back together. Raise children if you had them together. Battle through divorce courts and custody battles, the narcissist makes it as hard and as ugly as they possibly can. Beginning to learn that you can control your actions, you’re reactions and your emotions only, so situations don’t affect you in the painful long-lasting way, there will be those moments, it’s learning to do the task at hand you need to do, then bringing your focus and mindset back into joy, happiness and the things you have to be grateful for.

Your belief systems and values have been taken down and destroyed bit by bit, everything you believed about human beings has been brought into question and there are the contradictions left deep within your own mind, loyalty, honesty, promises, the truth have all been denied to you on some of the most hurtful manipulative levels, by the most self-destructive people in the world. Learning what your beliefs and values were and adjusting them to what they need to be now, beliefs and values are different from person to person.

Examples of beliefs.

  • A belief that family is most important.
  • A belief in religion or not.
  • A belief in work/life balance.
  • A belief in honesty is the best policy.
  • A belief in loyalty.
  • A belief in family values.
  • A belief in respect and manners.

We can keep our own beliefs for us, yet learn not all others have the same.

Examples of Beliefs that work for us.

  • A belief that you can and you will.
  • A belief that you can.
  • A belief that dreams are possible if you put the work in to achieve them

Examples of Beliefs that have worked against people

  • A belief the titanic was unsinkable, so people stayed on board and not enough lifeboats we’re placed on.
  • A belief that life is meaningless.
  • A belief that you can not do something.
  • A belief that the whole world is broken.

Examples of values.

  • Loyalty.
  • Commitment.
  • Passion.
  • Respect.
  • Courage.
  • Perseverance.
  • Open-mindedness.
  • Appreciation.
  • Generosity.

Again people own preceptions of values varies, where one person will respect all others, another will only respect a select few, another will only respect themselves and another will only respect once respect is earned, its all about knowing you and staying true to who you are.

Breakups are hard, co-parenting can become difficult, divorce can be tricky at the best of times with two good caring people, when ones simply got no empathy for the other and will keep using the games they play as they want to win at all costs it’s not a very pleasant thing to navigate yourself through, most often isolated with little to no support.

Recognizing Your emotional pull, your beliefs and your values, that you have the power to control how you handle difficult times. Creating good connections with good people so you can navigate your way through.

Family members are hard, especially if they were your parents. You’ve got strong ties from childhood, your beliefs we created growing up around them, years of being gaslighted, you’ve been taught or trained to respect them, put their needs above your own, doubt yourself.

You have to understand that people who put you down or hurt you, have a problem within themselves and if their company is harmful to your feelings they are not for you, you can not fix all others problems, you can only help, if they are unwilling to accept help or see any wrongdoing in their own actions it’s time to walk away.

You are in recovery from mental warfare, you have to reclaim your reality, your confidence, your own thoughts, learning to manage your emotions as most are left full of negative emotions that hit hard, learning who they truly are and what you’re actually dealing with.

Finding the lesson, which isn’t easy at the start, changing the ”why is this happening to me.” to ”what is this teaching me.” learning to find the things that bring you joy and happiness especially when outside situations try to cause you pain.

When those lightbulb moments hit, one by one you see all those red flags you missed so clearly, yet it all sounds so unbelievable, only you lived it, your left questing why you didn’t pay attention to those red flags and your instinct sooner, mostly this is because you couldn’t see them clearly, from your beliefs to their manipulation and daily reality being rewritten on you.

You go through a stage of blaming yourself for everything, your mind has been hijacked, your mind has been manipulatively taken over and you’ve been fed the blame game, blaming yourself for everything that went wrong the the relationship, blaming yourself for not being able to help them, for not seeing reality sooner.

Remember if a robber walks into the bank and steals the money, the cashier is not to blame, if someone hijacked a plane the pilot and passengers are not to blame, pass the responsibility back to the rightful owner.

You feel like a fool, your pride and ego have taken a knock with questions like ”how did I not see it sooner, ”why did I not leave sooner.” how can people treat others this way, no one will believe me. Why was I so stupid, how could I have been so fooled by them? You can not see what you don’t know, they manipulate you into a trance, one that you can only take up from when you’re ready.

Nothing was what it seemed, it’s like being hit by bullet after bullet, moment after moment whilst trying to work out what happened to you. So many promises made never kept. So many lies told, more secrets coming out, realising who you thought they were, they are not, yet they are, both sides to them is exactly who they are, most think the nice narcissist isn’t real, the evil narcissist is the real person, then you realise both faces they hold within themselves is them and both are out for manipulation of others, the nice one you cared for is also not so nice when the real reasons they act the way they do come to light.

Curiosity calling, normal human feelings and behaviour. Lots of emotions play a part in this, People you once cared so deeply for, wanting to know how they are, wanting to see if life is falling apart for them as it has you, wanting to see what makes the new so special, wanting to see remorse, wanting an apology, the saying curiosity killed the cat, every time you do look, it cuts you a little deeper, if your still at this stage don’t worry it will pass, start acknowledging you want to look, accepting that it’s only going to cause more pain, tell yourself you’re not going to, then find something to do that makes you smile, read a good book, find something that fills you with joy, get something do for you, the urge to look at their social media or find what they are up to will lessen over time, you’ll get to a point where you’re simply no longer interested.

the first few days, weeks, are the hardest as time passes if you work on creating a new happier future for you, those emotional triggers become less and less, those scars begin to heal, those bad day become less and less often, the emotional rollercoaster becomes less and less, people have healed and gone on to live amazing lives before you and you will too.