Overcoming Guilt After Narcissistic Abuse.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Guilt is an unhappy feeling as you believe you have done something wrong that goes against your, values, beliefs or morals.

Guilt is a healthy emotion to have when used correctly as often it stops us doing things we shouldn’t to avoid those feelings of guilt, and it prevents people from breaking the law, taking advantage or doing wrong by others. Unfortunately sometimes it can stop us doing things we need to, as our beliefs are to be kind to others and help others which is true, when people are unkind to us because we care about those people we don’t always walk away when we should, that self doubt of ” was it me” or ” it wasn’t that bad.” And thinking ” if I just do it this way, I can help them. ” we can then be left with feelings of guilt when we realise they are manipulative and walk away. Also when we don’t understand the situation we are in, we can Unwittingly become an enabler for their games, then when we realise the extent of what’s genuinely been happening, we are left with feelings of guilt and remorse.

Narcissistic people don’t feel that guilt, at least not in the way that we do, why they go around doing what they do, most can feel shame for their actions towards others, yet they quickly shift that feeling by projecting their faults onto others, blame-shifting and gaslighting to escape responsibility and avoid accountability.

Often with their blame-shifting, the innocent party is the one left with all the guilt and remorse for things they didn’t actually do, and sometimes not in all cases things they did. This can lead to depression and other mental health problems.

We all make mistakes, and we can all have errors in judgment, we are human we learn from these, a narcissist does not learn from their wrongdoing as they’ve already blamed those around them, so no longer have the feeling of Guilt, Shame, or remorse to see the error of their ways and change them, why they continue to cycle around their negative life cycle.

Some people blame all others And never truly learn.

Some people blame themselves.

Sometimes neither is at fault for why they think the way they do. It’s usually programmed in throughout childhood, passing down from one generation to the next.

What we all need to do, is pass responsibility back to the rightful owner for their actions towards us and learn from our own actions, no longer giving time or attention to those unable to admit their own errors and always pinning ALL the blame onto those around them.

( No matter what NO one deserves to be abused. )

Within any relationship, we can be at fault, when we react to their provocation, and as we know our own reactions were not good, we are often left with guilt, not only from our reactions but also from their twisted gaslighting words of “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” Or “I never did that.” This then within our thinking minimises what they did and exaggerates what we did, and with those feelings of guilt, we then do our best to see the good in them and help them out, make it up to them.

At some point, we have to pass the responsibility of their actions back to the rightful owner, The Narcissist. Then we can focus solely on learning from our own. ( no one deserves Abuse.) But what defines us from them is they can not see the error of their ways to change. We can.

Yet carrying guilt around from past mistakes does not serve our present or our future. Learn from it, grow from it, then let it go, you can not change your past, you do not need to carry into your present, and you can change the direction of your future.

If your feeling guilty that you can not help?

Feeling guilty that you’ve had to stop the kids contact with their own parent for safeguarding from mental abuse?

Feeling guilty because you’ve had to block and delete their friends and family?

Feeling guilty about walking away from a toxic person because all they do is bring you down?

Learning to stop feeling guilty now, guilt only eats into your present from your past. You’re a good person that’s done your best and at that time with good intentions, in challenging, horrendous circumstances, it’s ok.

When you feel guilty about having to do something for your own happiness, it stops you from doing something practical and your right to change it.

You end up finding and making excuses to stop you from doing what you need to do actually to take control and solve the problem, and one of the worst things about excuses are within our thoughts they are incredibly valid.

Guilt can be a very destructive emotion.

You need to stop finding reasons for not cutting them out, things like ” I feel mean their mother, father, brother, sister third cousin twice removed never did me any harm, I’m going to look like a horrible person.” And start thinking I deserve better than to be used, abused and thrown away.

You need to have a different attitude, to any mistakes you’ve made, any reactions you made to the narcissist, and you’re far from alone in reacting you need a different perspective to those misdeeds.

Children are practical, those who’ve not learnt about guilt yet, yes they need to be taught about it, so they don’t grow to harm others. But you need to teach them and yourself to get practical about your guilt, for not listening to your instincts, because you didn’t know what they were telling you. For reacting, because you wanted to be heard and stand up for yourself. ( not everyone reacts.) And most end up walking on eggshells around them at some point through fear, after what happened the first time you stood up for yourself. For going no contact, for anything and everything you feel guilty about within that relationship and after that relationship.

If you’ve made a mistake, and either you feel ashamed of it, your ex-narcissist had made you feel ashamed, or you feel like others will judge you and you can not handle that because you feel ashamed and guilty. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you are far from alone in what’s happened or how you think.

You can go around protecting your ego, and your pride, for fear of being judged by others.

You need to know, and always remember, we all make mistakes, even if a narcissist will never admit to theirs and lay all the blame on your door, making you feel even worse, we are all human, it’s never a failure to make a mistake or an error in judgment.

We all make mistakes, we have no choice in that, we have no way around not making a single mistake, or sometimes repeating that same mistake, life happens, making mistakes is all about learning, we can not learn unless we make mistakes along the way.

Thomas Edison, the great inventor’s quote who too 1000 attempts to invent the light bulb said.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

You must never be afraid of making a mistake, just learn from it.

Cutting people out of your life, who only seek to destroy you, even when that means cutting good people out who chat to the toxic person, splitting up a family home, children don’t need to live in a toxic environment, they need a healthy one, and if you stayed way longer than you should, it’s ok you did what you thought was best at the time, now is the time to let the guilt go.

You are doing those things for freedom, freedom is being allowed to make mistakes, you made mistakes, you ignored your instinct, you tried to help, you’re not alone in this trying to help this makes you a good person, but now you have got to let them go, lose the guilt, lose the ego and lose your pride, so you can learn from your mistakes, change direction in your life and do whatever is necessary for your freedom and a happier life.

We are allowed mistakes, we are permitted errors in judgment, we are allowed to take action to protect ourselves, we are allowed to become free, from all that guilt, hurt and pain we’ve been through.

Once you have a clear reality of what has actually happened, don’t do it again. Or at least realise sooner what is happening.

You are not alone if you went back a few times, trauma bonding and not knowing reality, you are not alone if you went from one narcissistic relationship, then met another narcissist, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or you caused it, all that means is you didn’t learn all the facts of what they were, you didn’t truly know you, you were healing scars and deep wounds you didn’t think you even had, now you do you can heal them the right way, be aware and not make the same mistake.

Forgive yourself, forgiveness is a choice to free yourself from past situation, forgive yourself in spite of what others might think of you, their opinions are not for you, they have not lived your life, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, you did what you believed to be right at that time with good intentions.

When guilt pops into your mind, stop tell yourself it’s the past, or you need to do it now to protect yourself, don’t let guilt stop you doing what’s right for you, you are not harming others by walking away from their hurtful behaviour towards you, you are hurting yourself by staying. Same as blocking friends and family, it’s not to be mean or spiteful, it doesn’t matter what they think, you are doing it to protect yourself from the harm others cause you. Cutting out toxic people and their flying monkeys is self-care. You can not help those who do not see, just like those who perhaps tried to warn you couldn’t help you when you could not see.

You are worth more than those who seek to harm you, or gossip about you behind your back. Some might not gossip intentionally, and you don’t need to be mean about it, just step away from it and leave them to it.

When you feel that guilt thinks about five things you did to try and help them, only to be let down, you tried at some point you have to stop trying for those who are unwilling to try for themselves and continue to hurt you, think about all you did do for them. You are not a bad person.

Listen to your intuition, it’s a wonderful gift, even if you don’t know what it’s telling you.

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https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

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how they take your boundaries.

Enablers.

Flying monkeys.

Gaslighting.

Getting Over The Narcissistic Ex.

Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw- Life Coach.

When you know they are bad for you, they make you so unhappy, they lie, cheat, steal, manipulate and so many more. It’s soul-crushing. Yet because they came in as the love of your life. As they can treat you better than anyone ever has, then worse than anyone ever has, this causes deep trauma bonds from the chemicals your body releases during the relationship. Even when you see the pattern of abuse, it’s challenging to let go of that love you have for them.

We remember all the good times, then with the emotional connections to those good times, wanting them back, knowing we can get them for a short time, yet knowing we must let go is pure torture for us at times. Most of us bury those negative, horrible times deep down, often blaming ourselves and never really bringing them back up.

As the narcissist downplays anything, they did to you, and gaslights with ”it wasn’t that bad.” ”that never happened.” if you hadn’t then I wouldn’t.” then exaggerates all the good they do and anything we do wrong within they relationship it leaves us questioning if we are good enough, often with more gaslighting from the narcissist of ”you’ll never find anyone like me.” and ”no one will ever love you.” this is an extremely hurtful and confusing place to live, causing cognitive dissonance within our minds. Video to explain more on this at the end.

Think of one moment when they brought you to your knees, either completely lost upset, heartbreak, hurt, and ask yourself. What did I do.? What did I do to deserve that? The answer will most likely be nothing. As no one deserve to be made to feel that way. When they hurt you so bad, they will sit and watch you cry with a glint in their eye, offering no emotional support, for the things they did to you, often twisting it around to be something you caused, no one deserves that, yet because they project, manipulate and blame shift, your reactions to their always provoking and twisting words, we end up blaming ourselves. It’s never ever your fault. Now think of all the good you did for them. Why would anyone treat you so bad? Because they have a problem, not you. They can not accept love, and you are not a problem.

If you want to let go, flip those around, often we don’t because that’s hard, it’s going to be painful, and we want to avoid that pain. The easiest option to go for is the pain of losing someone we love and still loving them, yet this only continues our inner pain, within our hearts and our thoughts, Once you flip it around remember those terrible times, the bad negative times, work through them, you start to distance that love, it may turn hate, anger and resentment as you process all you’ve been through, it’s normal to feel these and more, it’s also normal to not feel some, just keep working on you and keep going until it turns to nothing.

You have to face the fear and the pain to move past it.

You Don’t Need to lose the good times if there was any when you genuinely think back. However, when you feel you love and miss them if you think you want them again, any good moments are not going to help you. Thinking about the bad times and why you’re better without them will.

Thinking about do you really want to live like that in another two years? Five years? Never knowing where you stand with them, never knowing what they will do next.

The pain hurts, and it hurts hard if they left you, or you finally left them. Through that pain, we can often talk ourselves into taking them back when they come for the hoover, or we can try to reach out to win them back, which if we do get them back, the cycle begins again as does the pain. Or we can have the short term pain of learning to let them go, releasing ourselves from the inner turmoil for long term gains. It might not feel that way, to begin with, yet when your comfort zone is no longer comfortable, stepping into the uncomfortable to find fresh new happiness, new life goals and massive gains. Releasing the pain of the past for the joy of your future.

Once you let go, you begin to forgive you and forgive them, and forgiveness doesn’t excuse their abusive behaviour. Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind.

Ways to help your mind move past them.

1. Write down all those bad memories, get them all out to release them, grieve, cry and screen if you need to.

Think of it as someone you really care for showing you this. Put yourself in the ’advisors’ shoes. What would you tell someone you really cared about, what advice would you give those who’ve been through what you have. We most often have the most incredible information for others, yet as the saying goes ”easier said than done.” yet once we take that first step on our own advice. Doing it becomes easier.

2. Talk therapy, Seek help from someone you can talk to who understands you. Talking it all out to get it out of our minds with those who can validate how we feel is incredibly helpful.

3. EMDR treatment, some past traumas that cause CPTSD, can be challenging to shift, eye movement desensitisation reprocessing, is a powerful therapy with a high success rate to relieve psychological stress.

4. If you’re stuck with them in your headspace and you don’t want them there, think of the present moment. When they subconsciously crop up. Consciously remove them from your mind. Pattern interrupt technique helps with this. I’ll add the video at the end.

We also have to work on ourselves, our present and our future, so we begin to focus less on past hurt, and I know some are more than hideous, but you deserve a much happier life, so by working towards future goals, it helps us focus more on things that are good for us.

The human needs to help you heal.

A narcissistic relationship also fills your human needs at a subconscious level, this also keeps you addicted to them, as anything that meets three of these, through behaviour or action, we become addicted, so how do we become addicted to them?

Love and connection. You love someone, and you have a partner, you’re connecting when they treat you right in a positive way, yet connected when they treat you right in a negative way.

Significance. At times they make you feel insignificant, so fill it negatively, at times when they want your help, you feel good helping them, so it gets filled positively.

Certainty. Your certainty your in a relationship and have routines, and sometimes the certainty is positive sometimes negative.

Uncertainty. As you never know what mood they’ll be in next, what they’ll do next. Why they are doing what they do, a narcissistic relationship fills your need for uncertainty.

Growth, when they come back, and you try again, you feel like you’re growing and changing together, this never truly fulfils growth as it’s only ever temporary.

Contribution. All the things you do for them, fills your need for contribution on a sky-high level, as you’re always giving more and more to them while you slowly lose yourself.

As Tony Robbins said, who discovered the human needs. You can fill these negatively, neutrally or positively, and when you do something either by, action, emotionally or experience and when one thing fills three of these needs, you become addicted. So narcissistic relationship is highly addictive.

You can fill these needs in other ways to break the bond.

You can be certain getting out isn’t going to be easy, when you hit the breaking point, you can be certain it’s what you need to do, and when you get out you need to focus on the long term goals, find your certainty in other areas until and find your happy self again. Start will the simple steps, creating new routines, for you and how you want to spend your day, consciously being thank full and telling yourself you thank full for anything that is certain in your life right now, even brushing your teeth, so you’re unconscious starts to fill certainty until you’re ready to build on those foundations.

Love and connection, reach out to old friends and family or reach out to those online who’ve lived through the same to get you started, not always easy with anxiety, taking those first steps to help overcome this.

Significance, feeling this need up can be done by helping neighbours, volunteering, recognising you are a good parent if you have children, finding a job you love where you give back, driving lorry’s, health care, hairdressers, builders etc., whatever you enjoy, where you can help others, chat to others whilst earning money to live.

Uncertainty, when creating new routines, starting new hobbies, new courses, meeting and talking to new people, this creates a level of uncertainty, life is full of uncertainty, so keeping your feet grounded and just taking it step by step, tacking one new thing at a time or more if you can handle more, we are all Individuals so go at a pace that suits you.

Certainty, when you are making those new connections with new friends, when you’ve settled into your new job, when your routines are in place, asking who am I ? Or what would I like out of life? Learning to fall in love with yourself again, learning your Boundaries and becoming certain of behaviour you will and will not accept from others. Learning to listen to those instincts even when you don’t know what they are telling you, most often we go against them when we don’t see what they are saying, and when we look back at those times we often regret not listening to them sooner, remove that regret it’s ok, we all make errors in judgment and try to do our best by others often doing ourselves an injustice, all we can do is let the past go, leave the mistakes in the past and take the lessons with us.

Growth, learning from our past is growth within itself, learning new skills, joining team sports, readers groups, learning to play an instrument, whatever it is you would like to do for you, if you enjoy it and have a passion for it this will be far easier, as anything we start learning can be a challenge at times, especially if we’ve never done it before. If we enjoy it, it helps us get unstuck in those times we become stuck.

Contribution, what can you contribute to those around you? What skills have you learned? We are all special, and we can all help others in some way, learning to give to those who appreciate us and learning to walk away from those who take advantage of us, again listening to our gut feelings.

You can, and you will recover from this.

Join me on social media.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Help with anxiety.

More information on gaslighting.

The five Stages Of The Narcissists Social Media Mind Games.

Overcoming narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Social media is a fantastic resource for a narcissist to play more mind games with others, some will do all, some only do one or two, and some will not be interested in social media at all, it all depends on the narcissist.

They can and most will use social media, through each stage of the relationship, the idolisation, the devaluation, the discard and the hoover, or re idolisation and the smear campaigns. So just how exactly do narcissistic people use social media to play more mind games with us, to leave is hurt, angry and confused and what do you need to look out for.

1. In the idolisation stage of the relationship. A narcissist will happily use any form of social media to find new people, from dating sights, to Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest, etc . if you did or didn’t meet them through social media most will use it as part of their idolisation phase, by gathering as much information about you as possible, so they can easily share your likes and dislikes, your points of view, finish your sentences. When you first start dating the narcissist, the idolisation stage is when most will raise us up so high, making us feel so special and treating us better than anyone ever has, how do they use social media to idolise us?

  • When you first start dating, they might be regularly posting pictures and updates of you both, wanting to change their relationship status quickly, to in a relationship with you.
  • You might get to wake up and see something amazing on your Facebook wall from them that they’ve written about you, or they’ve re-tweeted something of yours.
    You could be going about your day today and see a notification of a picture they’ve put up of the two of you, or another fantastic comment they have left you,
    You most likely might start doing this in return, sharing your happiness with your loved ones.
    You might then start checking your social media, to see what lovely comments they’ve left you today, as it gives you that boost of inner happiness from the external comments and likes. Healthy couples can also do this, just out of love and affection and creating happy memories; narcissists do this for more sinister reasons. I shall add signs of a narcissistic person at the end.

They use it to triangulate people when You first meet, and they may want you to be the one to send them a friend request or they might send it to you, they might be playing all the mind games with the exes that one day they will play with you. They can also do this, as once you are both posting about how lovely your life is, when it starts going wrong, we can then find it harder to speak up through our own pride and ego. Speak up you have nothing to be ashamed of, and it helps others through these times. Those not active, or wanting to keep you hidden from other partners they have that you don’t know about, they might tell you they rarely go on. That they only use it for messenger, they prefer being with people, real-life matters to them more. This is only to impress you, so you think that they are their real and admire them, and to protect themselves.

2. Then comes the next stage, when they begin to devalue us that leaves us full of uncertainty, questioning what has changed, who have they become, changing ourselves, time and time again to please them, learning to walk on eggshells around them to avoid, the silent treatment, the projection, blame-shifting and everything always being our fault, to avoid their anger and their rage. With the constant gaslighting, we can not see what’s truly happening to us, The narcissist gets us to start overanalysing everything, think about what their intentions are towards us, even questioning our own instincts, thoughts and feelings. They were once so loving, so kind, so helpful. We want to stop worrying, yet you can not help yourself. Anxiety becomes more often, yet, All the amazing things they’ve said and done, all the beautiful things they used to put all over social media. For now, they have stopped.

You don’t want to worry, yet something in your gut is telling you that all is not right, either you’ve not been with them long, so don’t want to bring up any concerns, don’t want to come across insecure, or you’ve been with them a while and for fear of their reaction. So you put more self-doubt onto you, are you overreacting? Are you reading to much into everything?

So If you see any of these signs if you’re still in a relationship with someone you believe is a narcissist. Do not react, or questions them, trust your instinct as they just want you to react and walk away, follow and listen to your instincts, a narcissist will not validate your feelings, they are playing these games to make you feel insecure. Here are a few other mind games they play on social media, during the devaluation. Or did you see any of these when you were with them?

  • They may start to remove some of their tags on posts you’ve tagged them into, not many to begin with, as time goes on they remove more and more. So you start getting anxious and may start checking your profile more, to see if any more have been untagged. If you ask them, they’ll either know nothing about it, blame it on your eyesight, say it’s some sort of mistake. “ you’re insecure, stop reading into things.”
  • They may block you for an hour then unblock, and they may prevent you from looking at their social media for a day or two, then unblock. If you ask them, they will act all surprised and say it’s the websites fault. They will re-add you. Leaving you wondering for it was a mistake or not.
  • They may cause an argument, go into the silent treatment, disappear and block you.
  • Frequent likes on someone else’s profile. That someone else being of the same sex as you. There might not be any comments left at the moment. More than likely, this will be someone you do not know or haven’t even met. If you start to look through this person’s personal profile, you’ll discover that recently they’ve liked a lot of their photos or status updates, the narcissist might be trying to triangulate, or they may be lining up your replacement.
  • They may suddenly add one of their old crazy exes as a friend. You find this very strange, but do not want to ask as you don’t want to look insecure, or cause rage in them. You see no messages or no likes between them, but you’re left thinking, who asked who? And what’s this all about?
  • You wake in the morning before they go into social media, you notice they were active a few hours ago, which leaves you with so many questions such as. What were they doing at that time in the morning? Or who were they talking to? They may have been, or if they know you’re looking at stuff, they might have just set the alarm to go on, knowing you’ll be up before them and looking, just to play more mind games with you.
  • Then you may start to notice the narcissist leaving nostalgia, comments on someone’s wall. Yet they’ve never mentioned this person or things they did with them.
  • They may start posting things like “ I’m not alone, so why do I feel so lonely?” Or ” feel like I’m going crazy, yet I’m not crazy.”
  • There was a time when you did something together, they tag you on social media, now they never tag you on anything, yet they are still active, it’s not a case of life got busy, you settled down as a couple and just rarely go on, they are always on commenting on others peoples posts.
  • If you post something tagging them, it doesn’t appear on their timeline, they’ve changed their settings, so they have to approve it first. Social media platforms do like to update things, so if the person you are with isn’t abusive mentally, physically or emotionally, it could be genuine.
  • Their phone is on lockdown, codes so you can not get in, settings changed, so messages don’t show and if you see one it only states notification, or their phone is always with them or place screen down because they have things to hide.

They do these mind games and others as they want you thinking about it, stuck with that thought of wanting to know, and not wanting to be overreacting, they want you to spend time, looking and seeing what happens, so your thoughts are on them. Then the narcissist might just go completely quiet on things like Facebook.

If the narcissist in your life likes Facebook and other social media then you’ll probably have spotted some of these patterns, they do enjoy the power of Facebook, the power of social media and the power of playing games with your mind through anything they can including facebook.

  • When you first met them their once a Facebook main page, was updated regularly, always sharing story’s, tagging you, frequently changing profile pictures, including you together at the start, then just themselves, or them and their children.
  • The suddenly all goes quiet, the profile picture stays the same; the timeline goes quite. They no longer update the status on their achievement, the only thing on their posts from months or years ago, birthday wishes from others, often without reply, might be the odd thumbs-up, their Facebook has gone silent.
  • Why do they do this? They might not be doing anything on their profile page, yet they could still be using Facebook, to watch other people and calculate their next move. To spy on you and to spy on others, to gather as much information as they can about those around them. To see what you’re doing if they want to hoover, or what they could come in with to suck you back in, or looking for someone new to line up for themselves if they are devaluing you, ready for the discard.
  • They may have gone quiet on the page you know about, yet they may another profile set up, that you don’t know anything about.
  • They can also do this as they believe you are less likely to block them on discard as you think you know they don’t use it, so they can still check in on your profile after the discard ready for the hoover, Some will block you, some keep it and don’t block you as they know, you might have a look at them.
  • Some will randomly block you during the relationship or during silent treatment, to keep you questioning and guessing what’s happening.
  • They use it to deny accountability, so you question your self when you ask about cheating, they may say. “ how can I meet anyone I never go online, look at my Facebook,
  • They might let you check the messages because of course, they’ve deleted them all, they’ll them shift blame onto you, for doubting them and treating them how you do. To provoke a response from you. To get you to apologise for accusing them of things that they are actually doing, yet hiding from you.

Once you’re left feeling vulnerable, they can start with the discard, doing this to you through social media with everything else they do, is just another tactic to draw you in, then leave you with self-doubt.

3. The discard, and the smear campaign. When they feel you are no longer of use to them, or you’ve started to wake up to their horrific games, if they have discarded you, or if you have safely walked away ended the relationship and left them.

  • When they meet someone new, or they most likely will have already been with that person before discarding you they’ll be on again, show their new relationship to the world, to give that new person the social media hook, they did with you in the start.
  • To show everyone what a healthy, loving relationship, they are in to hide their own insecurities.
  • Some will use social media on the discard to cause you more discomfort, pain and questions within yourself. Often posting pictures with their new partner, looking all perfectly loved up. Leaving you questioning “what was wrong with me” there’s nothing wrong with you, or ” what’s so special about them.” We are all special in our own way, yet to a narcissist, there is nothing special about the new, it’s just someone they can use, Abuse and triangulate others with.
  • They might post pictures of them visiting places with the new that they always promised to take you to, to rub salt in your wounds, photos in your home with your children, to leave you feeling hurt and confused that the new is not only living the life the narcissist promised you in the idolisation stage and never delivered, but to twist the knife that they are doing it with your family, leaving you out in the cold. Leaving you with the questions of “why me.” or “what did I do wrong.” You did nothing wrong; it’s who they are. Posting statuses updates of how they’ve never been happier.
  • They are just idolising the new, like they once did you, they have a Disorder, That is who they are, they only see in black and white, and they will continue their life cycles and life patterns only getting worse with age, you and the new are not in competition with each other as the narcissist gets most people thinking, you have both just been fed lie after lie, a narcissist is a con artist, they start off by selling people dreams of happy ever after, and deliver a living nightmare to those closest to them.

4. The smear campaign is further manipulative mental torture that has kept us locked in the abuse and in their hiddious games.

  • They will be posting all the pictures of the new relationship to prove to themselves and others that they can be in a relationship and that they are healthy.
  • They will have flying monkeys and enablers checking out your social media if you’ve blocked the narcissist, so they can check out what you are up to, and go all out to destroy it.
  • If you have business pages, they will and most often get enablers to leave negative feedback and remarks.
  • They will post about just how crazy you are. Now the healthy person can share quotes and memes to raise awareness and help others, and they do it to destroy your good name.

5. The hoover, even if you think you’ve blocked them on everything, if you haven’t altered your settings so only friends can see, they might just set up false profiles to check in on you, see what info they can gather, some have been known to reach out through YouTube and eBay, when you’ve blocked them from all other social media.

  • They might set up new accounts and send you friend requests and messages.
  • They might set up new accounts or have other accounts to spy on you, to see if they can find a way back into your life.
  • They might send pictures to your inbox of Facebook memories to pull on your memory and caring side of that idolisation stages. And if you left them back in the will hit that pattern of repeat, as they cycle around their life story, exploiting others to meet their own needs.

So what can you do? My best advice is to block all social media contact if you can, also blocking mutual friends and family, the hard part is not blocking, it’s feeling guilty, remember you’re not doing this to hurt anyone, or with wrong motives, you’re doing it for your protection, your sanity and to leave the past behind, break the cycle and move forward onto a much happier life. I shall add no Contact at the end. You do not want them having information about you, they will only use it against you, and as much as some people might want to see what they are doing now, if you see something it’ll only bring up past hurts and past pain for you, if you’ve already looked don’t worry a lot do, nows the time to make the change and block them. It can be challenging to start, human nature to check in on someone you used to be close to, there’s a difference between the narcissist checking in on you, they do this to spy, to find ways to suck you back into their games, when you look, you often do it for answers to try and give yourself that closure, yet often you end up feeling much worse, acknowledge that you want to look, then tell yourself you will not, as you’ll only be left feeling worse, find something, anything to do to keep your own mind busy and avoid checking in on them. Learning about the disorder, who they are and what had happened to you, helps give you the closure you need to move on, you might get your answers and walk away altogether, breaking that cycle working on you and living a much happier life, you might learn what you need to, break the cycle and create a new experience, yet still look the disorder up now and again, purely because you are fascinated in the psychology behind the human mind, so long as you leave the past behind, both are normal, healthy and whatever works best for you. You will get to a point, where you see their games, understand what they do, and get busy working on yourself and your life, so you are no longer interested in focusing on that in a negative, hurtful way, more just gaining knowledge and awareness, you might be one that joins groups as you have a passion for helping others through, or completely walk away from it, do what is right for you. As it becomes just memories of the past, and that’s where you want to leave it, where it belongs in the past, yes those dark cloud moments of painful memories can hit from time to time, often becoming less over time, yet when they come, depending on how they make us feel, we might question, are we over it? Are we healed? When these hit, you must remember, that’s your past you lived it, That those memories are to remind you of the strength and knowledge that you have gained, to show you how far you have come, and to remind you of a life you no longer live and don’t want to live again, remember you of the happiness you have built up for yourself now, to be grateful for what you have achieved, and how you used your most significant hurt of the past, to drive you to make your most significant gains of your future, remember forgiveness is for you, so you can walk away heal and move on, and if you are at the start, it’s ok to feel anger, resentment, pain, normal human emotions with what you have been through, keep working on you and you will move past it. Keep going, reach out to talk to good people, it does get easier, keep going, you can, and you will recover from this.

Join me on social media.

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Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

Signs

Walking on eggshells.

Silent treatment.

Stages

how to detach your thoughts from the narcissist.

No contact.

The Malignant Narcissist.

Overcoming narcissist abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The narcissistic personality disorder has been around for many years, and growing awareness is happening in the most recent years, and people like us are looking into traits to see if we are dealing with negative, toxic, selfish fools, or something much more sinister, narcissists have a disorder and it’s who they are, dealing with them as you most likely already know, is far from easy if not impossible, there are those on the lower end of the spectrum, that once you know who they are, what they do, their patterns of behaviour, you can learn how to handle being around them, then there is The Malignant Narcissist.

We do all have narcissism within us, and there is positive as well and negative, narcissism is different from having a narcissistic personality disorder. Although those with negative narcissism, that keep going along the negative path will get worse with age, those with self-awareness will recognise and emotions like empathy, regret, remorse and guilt, will kick in. Which most often stops people hurting others in the first place, or if they do, they are self-aware enough not to do it again and learn from mistakes, toxic people look for others to blame to escape accountability, they have little to no self-awareness and hit the repeat button, often getting worse as they blame all others for their behaviour.

What is a malignant narcissist?

As far as I’m aware The malignant Narcissist isn’t an official diagnosis, even if you could get one. The term comes from psychologist Erich Fromm, who was a German Jew and fled the Nazi regime and settled in the USA he describes the malignant as.

“the most severe pathology and the root of the most vicious destructiveness and inhumanity”.

The malignant narcissist, Possibly the most dangerous and harmful narcissist there is, experts see very little difference between a psychopath and a malignant narcissist, these are the ones, you need to be extremely cautiously and safely get far, far away from and make sure they can never find you, or get hold of you.

They are a true psychopath if not worse, like most narcissists they have no empathy, they will commit, multiple crimes without care. Including violent and sexual offences with no remorse.

Psychologists suggest malignant narcissism is an extreme mix of the narcissistic personality disorder, and other disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, sadism, aggression and paranoia.

All narcissist can be dangerous, yet malignant ones take it to the next level.

Like most narcissists They rely on others to define them; self-esteem comes from the outside world, their moods can be all over; they seek approval from others. Extremely arrogant and self-centred. They have a very fragile, super-sensitive ego. They need to convince all others just how special they are.

They have the three E’s, of any narcissist.

Entitled, they believe they are entitled to do what they want, whenever they want, with whoever they want and whatever they want, and believe they are above all others.

Exploit, they will exploit all others to get their needs met, with no thoughts or feelings to how it affects those around them.

Empathy, or a complete lack of genuine compassion, they can act empathetically, I’ll add the cognitive empathy video link at the bottom.

The difference between the narcissist personality disorder and the malignant narcissist is the malignant will most often have a mixture of combined personality disorders, They have the narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic people can have traits of other disorders, like paranoia, yet a malignant narcissist has paranoia personality disorder also psychopath personality disorder. They also have antisocial personality disorder. Most narcissists have traits of antisocial behaviour, and these have the full disorder.

Signs.

1. Sadism will deliberately cause, harm, suffering, pain and distress to others, often showing hatred. They get great enjoyment in seeing people, animal, anything suffer.

2. Antisocial behaviour, these are pathological liars, they have unprovoked hostility and aggression, volatile mood swings, they cheat, steal and lie, they believe they are above the law and are extremely dangerous and toxic.

3. Manipulation, these don’t wait to see an opportunity to manipulate others, they actively create opportunities, they genuinely go around looking for those they can take advantage of, they plan, and they plot to win at any and all costs to those around them.

4. Paranoias, it’s not that they don’t just not trust those around them, because of how they think, they are extremely suspicious of those around them, and believe all others are out to get them.

5. No empathy, none, nothing, zero, they get pleasure out of harming others.

6. No responsibility, although they can actually admit wrongdoing, yet they will openly admit to other what they have done, by telling others that the person they harmed deserved it, at other times they will deny all knowledge, to what they’ve done to others.

7. Entitled, malignant narcissists have that sense of entitlement like most narcissists, they believe they are superior to others and expect to be treated that way.

8. Envy, they hate seeing others with something they haven’t got, or something they want, most often assuming it’s down to pure luck that others have achieved.

9. Charm, or ( superficial charm.) most narcissistic people can be charming, especially at first, as they put on that admiration face to draw people in.

Things a malignant narcissist could do.

They will retaliate and humiliate.

They make a strong statement in how they dress whichever that is to them, some might be smart in high powered jobs with the suits, homes and cars, some will be the gym bod in the gym gear and muscles, some will be the tough, hard, don’t mess with me look. ( people can look this way and not be narcissistic.) malignants are big on appearance whatever that appearance is to them.

They will go to extreme means, to be the top and get the worlds attention as they believe they are entitled to the world.

They will show fake empathy to follows to protect themselves, to get followers to protect them. People either love and respect them or genuinely fear them both will carry out their demands.

They will go to great lengths to protect themselves, all narcissists are manipulative, and even people who don’t have the narcissist personality disorder can be manipulative, the malignant narcissist, however, takes manipulation to the next level, they take it to the extreme, they as most narcissists see in black and white they gain enablers or enemies along the way, they have a complete disregard for others, and simply do not care for the video pain they cause to those around them, researchers say Adolf Hitler was a malignant narcissist. Look at the following he achieved, what he got others to do for him, and how many he destroyed.

They need power and control and achieve this by coming across as a great saviour to others in the beginning. They will go all out to protect their followers as this protects themselves.

They will hurt, and some will murder anyone who gets in their way.

They will tell you not to believe others, and they are just trying to split you up. They’ll manipulate you so well, you’ll believe them.

They will do things to others that are informing you to leave to maintain power over you. They are terrifying, and they will find any means possible to end your friendship with those trying to help you.

They will stop at nothing to protect what important to them if you escape one of these, you will most often need to move miles away.

The malignant narcissist is the most dangerous of all.

They are the least likely to attempt therapy, due to the disorder like other narcissists they do not see any fault in their actions blaming those around them for what they perceive as turning against them, or the fact they don’t see others as people having feelings as they don’t feel like others do, they see people as objects to use and abuse ad they feel, how they want and when they want, we are all individuals with different pain thresholds so what a narcissist on the low end might do could hurt someone in lesser ways yet they feel the same pain as how a malignant narcissist would use sadistic means to destroy those who they perceive to go against them.

Once you understand the narcissistic personality disorder. Most narcissistic people will become evident to you. Malignant, come across as helping others and are far harder to spot at first, also far harder to stop.

In a relationship like all narcissist they represent themselves as important, worthy of admiration and love, they might talk about those that hurt them in a way to gain sympathy. They might come across as an unfortunate individual who has been hurt.

As they present themselves as a loving, caring victim and your saviour, you will feel sorry for them. Partners will want to support them. They lie, manipulate and cheat like all other narcissists. They set it up, so you want to fight their corner and protect them. Once you are hooked, if you cross them there, psychopathy comes out, and they will do anything to protect themselves, and they will hurt you, to get their needs met. They may also get others to do this. Some will do anything to maintain their relationship with you.

How to deal with a malignant narcissist, don’t, gather as much help and support as you can, and not from mutual friends, get to safety, no one knows what lengths any narcissist will go to if they feel criticism or wronged by anyone, so always be careful, with a malignant never let them know you know, or you’re leaving, just get out safely.

1. Seek help and support in leaving if you suspect you are dealing with a malignant narcissist.

2. Remember they will not change; they do not have the self-awareness to change; it’s who they are.

3. Have a healthy fear of them, so respect what they are capable of, and keep yourself safe, yes these people need bringing to justice, but you must be careful around them.

4. They see in extreme black and white, and you will not win an argument or disagreement with these people, they genuinely believe they are right, and not only are you wrong, your an enemy, with their paranoia they will see this as you going against them and they do seek to destroy. Let them think they are right and leave them be.

5. Get support, do not be embarrassed about what you have been through you are far from alone, seeking support and talking to those who understand, helps you piece reality back together, know all those doubts, feelings, thought were real, that the reality you lived was real, validation that how you feel is normal, other do and have felt the same way, even those not dealing with malignant narcissists. Getting emotional support is a must also.

6. Do not isolate yourself, yes most like to go into hermit mode now and again and that’s ok, but don’t stay stuck in hermit mode and don’t stay isolated.

Don’t ever give up on yourself, and there is always hope. When good people come together, great things start to happen.

Join me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/coachelizabethshaw/

YouTube https://youtu.be/3qw9Satw9o4

Twitter https://mobile.twitter.com/CoachElizabethS

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/p/B4X-D95Axlm/?igshid=dwrruq1k9wui

Pinterest https://pin.it/goa2d3xa5ht7vt

Linkedin http://linkedin.com/in/overcoming-narcissistic-1b306a197

Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist1/?preview=

For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ beyourselfagaintoday@gmail.com

The Covert Narcissist.