The Narcissist Believes What Only They Want To Believe, Cognitive Distortions.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Cognitive distortions are a simple way that our minds work that convinces us of a reality that simply is not true, these thoughts are usually used to convince our minds of negative thoughts or emotions, explaining to ourselves that things sound accurate and rational, yet in reality only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves or keep us trapped in negative situations. Narcissists believe that rules do not apply to them, that they can stomp all over peoples lives and boundaries, without a care as to who they hurt, so long as their needs are being met.

The narcissist uses this skillset, why they are negative, self-entitled people who go around destroying others.

So how do they use them? and how does this affect us with narcissistic abuse?

Psychologist have identified at least 50 types of cognitive distortions, here’s 10 examples of how these could affect narcissists thinking, and how that affects our thinking

1. Always being right, as a narcissist is also most likely lacking in cognitive reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their truth up, they can not look back and reflect, they’ve made their minds up that they are correct and all others are wrong. Narcissistic people continuously try to prove others wrong with various manipulation tactics, to a narcissist who always believes they are right, being wrong is unimaginable for them, they just can not and do not get it, they will go to extreme lengths just to prove they are right. Why there is simply no point explaining yourself or arguing with a narcissist, they simply can not and will not see your point of view.

Being right to them is more important than others feelings, that with their lack of empathy, means for us going against what a narcissists truth is can lead to devastating consequences, sometimes why when they are gaslighting they do it so well, as to them it is their reality and their truth and they shall not be swayed. To most narcissistic people, “they didn’t say that.” And “That never happened.” To them “you are being sensitive.” And “you are the one going crazy.” In their eyes and minds it’s their truth, often why their smear campaigns are also done with such truth-telling lies. Yet because you are open to opinions and ideas, can understand people make mistakes, this gaslighting then makes you question yourself, blame yourself and as you care, forgive them for their wrongdoings, why when you are walking on eggshells doing as they please they can treat you so well. You then start to blame yourself all the more, as reality is showing you how good they can treat you, yet reality is also showing you just how wrong they treat you, yet when you question them over something that you believe them to be wrong about and they believe they are right, they will go to great extremes to prove themselves right and prove you wrong. Causing that cognitive dissonance within your mind over the mismatch of realities and beliefs that you are now living under the narcissist’s spell.

2 Negative filtering. The narcissist will often, take the one negative thing you have done filtering out anything that happened before or anything they did to cause this and focus solely on that one negative thing, when in a disagreement with them they will twist it onto that one single fact and blame-shift then gaslight it all onto you, the whole “if you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And as they believe they are right that is their truth and no matter how much you try to explain or defend yourself to them, they are not listening to your point of view, they have theirs and this is final.

Negativity breeds negativity and you as an empathetic person with an open mind, that can see others points of view, with the help of their gaslighting take their negative thoughts on as your own, ending up blaming yourself and in a state of confusion.

Their reality is distorted by only the dark facts they want and those beliefs they hold so true to themselves they slowly force onto those around them. When we take everything personally and are around people that are so critical of us, it destroys who we are, so we either have to learn not to take their words and actions personally and know our truths and who we are, except that’s how they want to think or feel, and know we don’t have to feel that way and simply leave them to it, some are extremely dangerous so no contact is the only way to go.

3. Black and white thinking. A narcissist has no grey area, to them it’s either good or bad, there is no room for mistakes or errors in judgment, to them, it is all or nothing. They can only see things as either good or bad, as they themselves must be perfect, they place all blame onto others for situations or problems they might have caused, without cognitive reflection they can not look back to see what might have led up to a bad situation and without empathy they can not see how someone else might be feeling, most have cognitive empathy so they can think how they feel, yet, can simply not put themselves into someone else’s shoes, to feel or care how they are making someone feel.

This is why most will project all their failures and faults onto others, as to them they are entitled and they are superior, any mistakes made, or any achievements missed, they will place that blame onto someone else, being around this on a continued basis leaves us feeling like we are at fault, as all the projection is slowly drip-fed into our minds, also why we are rather too forgiving as we can see the good in them, often with all the blame-shifting when the bad comes out, we are led to believe this to be our fault, it is never your fault.

4. Jumping to conclusions. A narcissist might even say “I’m a great judge of character.” They believe they know exactly what others are thinking or feeling, and they are not interested in finding out otherwise, also why they Gaslight with. “You’re too sensitive.” As they believe you are too sensitive and as they’ve made their minds up, they are unable and unwilling to listen to your explanation, as they are only interested in their own.

So where your instincts might be trying to tell you something, so instead of jumping to a conclusion, you go and discuss it with them, you’re instincts are most likely correct, however, they will not validate your feelings as real as they’re made their minds up that in fact, you are “insecure.” When you are not, yet as you’ve not made a conclusion you are most often left questioning yourself as to whether you are indeed insecure? If you are pushing them away? When in fact a good person would listen to you and work it out, always trust your instincts even when you are unsure as to what they are telling you as most often they are right.

5. Catastrophising. The narcissist does this by minimising or denying their negative or bad behaviour and magnifying anything that does well to get you to focus on their good side. They minimise anything you do good and they magnify anything you do that they perceive as wrong, and once they’ve made their minds up, that is their truth and nothing you can say will shift this.

This is usually what happens to us once we’ve been around narcissistic, toxic of negative people for a long time, as they drip-feed our minds, and our subconscious sucks it all in, we are then on constant watch from their next negative mood swing, for the next smear campaign, for the next game they will play to bring is down to their level, we can both magnify their good behaviour, with the help of their toxic words and we can minimize their bad behaviour, often as we’ve been led to believe it was our fault, leaving us on edge and walking on eggshells around them to meet all their need so we don’t set them off, leaving us with anxiety as we are so concerned about how they will act and become less and less concerned about what we can do to save ourselves, as we want to help other we slowly destroy ourselves, when in reality we did not cause it, we can not change it, and we can not control it, they are who they are and no matter what action we take they have a disorder and that is who they are, which in reality means no matter what we do or do not do for them, they are a ticking time bomb that will go off as and when they please, if they feel wronged, if they feel criticism, their is absolutely nothing we can do to change this for them, it’s who they are, it’s how they want to think, it’s how they want to behave, nothing you say or do will change this, the best course of action is to leave them to it, especially those on the lower end of the spectrum, leave them to be who they want to be, and you be who you want to be, those on the higher that are dangerous, no Contact.

6. Control. As you most likely already know a narcissist is all about control, they want and need to be in control, they feel entitled to be in control of those around them and all life events, when they are not getting what they want, they will blame others, life is against them and if it wasn’t for someone else they would be achieving the success they believe they deserve.

If we feel controlled by outside events, especially when mass smear campaigns hit, we see ourselves as helpless, the victim and the “why is this happening to me.” Or “why are they doing this.” Once we take back control of our lives, those outside situations no longer impact us. Then internal control, we take on the responsibility of the happiness of those around us, we are responsible for how we feel only, and others are responsible for how they feel. As they Gaslight, intimidate and invalidate us, we slowly lose control of our minds and our lives, not knowing what truly happening to us, and trying our best to please others, not understanding that as nice as it is to help others, it’s all about helping those who a willing and able to help us, walk away from those who are not, also that it’s ok to be selfish and put our own needs first, with good intentions no wrong way, or right way to live your life only your way. The oxygen mask on the plane, yes seems selfish putting it on yourself first. If you put it on the wrong person first, they will then leave you to it, put it on the right person first, your oxygen levels might run too low, put it on yourself first and you will be able to run at your best to help others, even those who don’t deserve or appreciate help, boundaries are a must, knowing when to say yes, and when to say no, if saying yes to someone else is them saying no to you, it needs to be a no to that other person, compromise yes, if it’s all their way, you have every right to turn around and go your way.

7. The blame games. Those on the disorder blame all others for anything that is wrong with their own lives, meaning they are unable or unaware of what actions they’ve taken towards the mistakes they have made, so they can not make changes as to who they are as they simply do not see themselves as the problem.

With all the manipulative blame-shifting tactics, we go the other way and start to blame ourselves for everything, when in reality not everything is our responsibility or our fault, with their triangulation and silent treatment, we start to look at ourselves to see what we’ve done wrong and how we could be better. This is good news, as this means you have the ability to reflect, to look at past mistakes, learn from them, grow from them, and changes them, the biggest lessons here, is to learn who we are, to learn the behaviour we will and will not accept from those around us, learn our own worth, learning to let go of those who only seek to steal our joy, and no longer looking to always blame ourselves, taking the responsibility for what mistakes we have made, and passing those we did not back to the rightful owner. Self-awareness is vital.

8. Change. A narcissist does not see why they need to change, they have a disorder it’s who they are, most often they can not see their own faults, they can only pass them onto others and therefore see all their own problems as to being caused by those around them, believing others need to change to suit them, again the gaslighting Of “If you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” And most genuinely believe that if you hadn’t they wouldn’t, however most often, you haven’t actually done anything wrong, they will find something, anything you did, then they will magnify this, to put the blame at your door, they will provoke you, to get a reaction out of you, just so they can blame it all on you.

With us, as we are slowly manipulated into their negative ways of thinking, it infects our mind, yet with their gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, arguments, silent treatments and the rest, we are led to believe it’s us that need to change, our minds are led to believe this is true, as they often offer intermittent times where they play nice, and magnify something we did to deserve them being nice to us, so we are left changing who we are time and time again to attract their nice side and walking on eggshells to avoid their nasty side. In truth, they have a disorder it’s who they are, you did nothing to cause it, there’s nothing you can do to change it, and there’s nothing you can do to control it, you can, however, learn who they are, what and why they do what they do, and learn how to handle them, why you don’t need to defend yourself to them, why you don’t need to change for them, no one deserves this treatment, you did nothing wrong, trying to help others is good, just help those who are willing to be helped and leave those who only want to bring you down.

9. Personalisation. With someone on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, they feel entitled, so to them it’s all about them, in one way they have got something right here, as we should all make sure that we are good within ourselves, there is a difference between a narcissists all about me and self-care, they are in it to win it at all costs, they are most often not interested in what happens to those around them, so long as all their needs are being met, if they believe being nice to someone will meet their needs, they will be nice, if they think being nasty will meet their needs they will be nasty, in reality it’s about giving to ourselves, then giving to others, if you have £10.00 and you need to buy your children food, yet your friends are really struggling, you don’t give them the £10.00 whilst you and your children go hungry, people need to look after themselves, yet if you have more money coming in the next day, so you can split it, if you have enough with £5 give them £5. Or if you have plenty and you’re good you might invite them for dinner, give them food, give them cash, until they are on their feet again, and they should them help you out in times of need, if they leave you to struggle in times of need when they could help, they are not the people for you, A narcissist is all about self, so you could be struggling financially, yet they will take your money and happily spend it, some will even have their own as well as take yours, when you ask for it back, they will dent all knowledge, blame you, pity play or cause an argument.

They believe whatever others do or say is a direct reaction to them, they take everything personally, if someone achieves its down to them, if someone speaks you, they have criticised them, if they are late, they will blame any external source and never themselves, as to them personally it was someone else’s fault.

As they are so fast to shift the blame, those around them are often left blaming themselves for everything that’s wrong that they didn’t even cause.

10. Should. A narcissist might think that they should change, yet this is only in a moment when they are not getting something they want, why we get the false promise of ”I’ll go to counselling.” or the bring you gifts, it’s only temporary to meet a need of their own, they feel shame, so they quickly shift this shame out by changing their mind for black to white, once they have what they want they change there should, to you should. Then their own mindset becomes they shouldn’t have to and you should, as it’s never a must, it’s only ever temporary change when they do play nice. When they start directing these should statement towards others, they will then feel anger and resentment towards that other person, which is when their rage often appears, the smear campaigns and all the other destructive hurtful things they do to themselves and to others.

When we think they should behave in a certain way towards us or our children, or when we believe we should try harder to help them see, we should be able to support them, we should be able to explain and defend ourselves to them, we should be able to make it work, and with those not on the disorder we can, working with those on the disorder we can not, as their, feelings, thoughts, opinions, their minds have been made up and anything you say or do will not change this. It only ever works if they believe something to be their idea and this is hard to achieve on a continuous basis, some are dangerous so you have to leave them be, others you can teach them behaviour you will and not accept, by knowing who you are, being nice when they are to you, and leaving them be, giving them no attention when they are treating you badly, again this varies on the severity of the narcissist. When we are full of what we should be able to do, and it doesn’t happen, it leaves us feeling disappointed, let down, hurt, anger and resentment, we have to keep our own standards as high as we want them to be, and our expectations of them extremely low so we don’t feel offended.

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Some examples of how narcissistic people manipulate you.

The Narcissist And Triangulation.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Triangulation is another one of their manipulative tactics. To make you feel guilty to Coercive Control you into doing something you wouldn’t normally do, breaking down your boundaries, to make you feel sorry for them and help them achieve something or get one over on someone, to drive a wedge between people, gain supporters, enablers and flying monkeys for the narcissist, by playing people off against each other, to divide and conquer.

It is another form of a narcissists manipulation of those around them, this is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two other people. then they will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this, they will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.

Through triangulation they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they gaslighting people into doubting themselves and shattering people’s self-worth. When they triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening and most of the time neither party knows the truth.

A narcissist wants to

1. Create shame in people into not believing they are worthy or good enough.

2. Create a competition of those around them by comparing people against each other.

3. Create jealous between those around them. The narcissist is extremely envious and jealous of those around them, some make this more obvious than others.

4. Create absolute chaos between people.

5. Create seeds of self-doubt in the minds of those around them.

6. Create an atmosphere in other friendships.

7. Create isolation, cutting people off from support networks and reality checks.

8. Create control of all others,

9. Create a feeling of guilt in others so they conform to the narcissist’s demands.

10. Create confusion in those around them.

11. Create conflict in those around them.

12. Create attention and reality checks going through the narcissist only.

How do they do this?

1. Killing two birds with one stone method. They will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them, or talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them. You then end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing your boundaries, and trying harder and harder to please them. So they can make you doubt your thoughts and feelings if you bring anything up by telling you. “You’re insecure.” When in reality your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention whilst they gain control of your mind and you slowly lose control of your mind.

They will play children off against each other making one the golden child and one the scapegoat, they will alienate children from the healthy parent.

Bosses will play co-workers off against each other and friends will also do this.

2. Recruiting reinforcement. They will lie and smear other people the smear campaigns they will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions become an enabler and helping the narcissist bully and destroy others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.

3. Splitting. The narcissist will extract information from one, then gossip with another about it, they’ll even lie about what one person has said about another, when you defend yourself to the narcissist, the narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what was said to them, they use this to control information shared between people, once they’ve fulled a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others, or fake concerns about you so people pity the narcissist which then cuts you of and protects the narcissists false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.

4. Flirt and deny, another one to provoke the feelings of jealousy, insecurities and self-doubt in you, yet they’ll flirt in front of you then deny all knowledge.

5. Exclusion, when out with friends they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation, they’ll leave you out of jokes, they’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure, if you speak up, they’ll say things like “they need space.” Or “you’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself. Parents will do this with other family members, co-workers and friends will also do this, the friend that is the narcissist might leave you out of an event happening, yet making sure a flying monkey informs you.

6. Extracting information than using it against you in front of others. Again they will use, gossip, lies and private information, they will shame you in front of other people, in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, then they will deny this to you if you dare to ask them.

7. Devalue some to you, so they’ll tell you that they gossip behind your back, that they are no good for you, or how bad it is someone did something you have done to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.

If you are going through triangulation, grey rock or no contact them, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. If you get chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” they informed me you’ve said this about me is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. if they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick it fact, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your own mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns they cycle around it becomes easier to break free

No one is safe from the manipulation and triangulation,

Yet more lies you may have heard from the narcissists in your life and the phrases they use to triangulate.

“My husband/ wife or partner doesn’t understand me.”

“My wife/ husband or partner will no longer have sex with me.”

“I’m sure who I’m with is cheating on me.”

“My ex is crazy.”

“My ex abused me.”

“My ex is stalking me.”

“My children have no respect for me.”

“My ex has turned the children against me.”

“My parents don’t understand me.”

“My parents always prefers my sibling.”

“My parents did nothing for me I was a mistake.”

“My boss is horrible,”

“The Person I’m training up at work is useless,”

“My neighbours have no respect.”

“My friends always want me to help them out.”

“My children never ring to see how I am,”

“My partner would rather play candy crush.”

“They don’t like me.”

“They are envious of me.”

“They talk about you behind your back.”

“I don’t trust that friend of yours, they just use you.”

“Your parents interfere too much in our lives, we should move.”

“That friend of yours just gossips.”

“They borrowed a lot of money from me and never paid me back, Don’t talk to them they are extremely dishonest.”

“The ex made up lies about me because they are bitter, now I’m not allowed to see my own children.”

“I was set up.”

“My boss doesn’t appreciate me.”

It’s to make them look like they are a good honest person and to make the other look bad. To gain control, to get sympathy, to get emotional reactions.

Dealing with the narcissist’s triangulation and smear campaigns is easier than you think once you know why and how.

Knowing who you are and your reality, learning that it doesn’t matter what others think or say about you, they do not define who you are, just because someone else will do something you will not, good for them, and you have every right to say no.

They are entitled to think and be who they want to be and you are also.

If you’re unsure who’s giving the narcissist information about you, tell those you believe it to be a different story about yourself and see which one the narcissist finds out about, you’ll know exactly who their flying monkey is.

If the are telling you story’s about what someone has said to you, ask that someone in front of the narcissist, yes you need to be brave, being brave and knowing the truth is far better than questioning yourself.

Smear campaigns leave them to it, without the fuel of you wasting your breath and good air trying to explain things to others the fire dyes out faster, yes I know that can be incredibly difficult as it’s human nature to want to defend ourselves, yet, people have a right to believe what they want, and you have the right to stay out of it, good people will stay with you, there is those that will be under the narcissists spell, that you’ll just have to walk away from.

Live for you and who you want to be, you don’t need to people please, or be liked by everyone, good people will love you for you.

The best method to help with triangulation for you is to take yourself out of the triangle, grey rock or no contact, just remove yourself from the situation and stop playing. Narcissistic people find it incredibly hard to play when you’re no longer playing.

If you can not go no contact, It’s grey rock, remove negativity from your life to allow for positive more happiness in your life. The narcissist can not play you when you’re no longer willing to be a pawn in their games, unfortunately, they may smear your name to victim play, just stay out of it, always trust your instinct, even when your unsure to what it’s telling you. It will become clear I’m time.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

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Why not to bother explaining yourself to a narcissist.

The Ageing Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

The ageing narcissist.

Do the narcissist’s games ever stop?

Can they ever recover?

Narcissist seems to be invincible, running around, stealing hearts, minds, physical health, home, children and belongings.

not that anyone owns children, yet narcissistic people believe the children to be their property.

They just don’t seem to stop and never seem to be held accountable, just running around destroying people’s lives, then driving off into the sunset onto the next person they are about to destroy.

Nothing and no one seems to be able to stop them from destroying those around them, worse still they have no remorse for the things they do to those around them.

What is the fate of a narcissist?

You might be wondering, why you as a good person has had your life destroyed, whilst the narcissist swans on onto a new life. You might be asking, where is the karma?

Karma hits them, every second of every day, even if the narcissist walked away with everything and you’ve ended up with nothing, possessions aren’t happiness, they are an illusion, I’m not denying it nice to have nice things, but it’s more vital that you get your happiness from within, you are now free to do this, you will have nice things Again.

People with all the possessions in the world and people with none can be happy.

People with all the possessions in the world and people with none can be miserable.

A narcissist deep inside will always be miserable, always searching for external happiness, the narcissist does not have a true sense of self-worth.

If right now your left devastated and miserable, you can rise and you can climb out of it, then whether you become extremely wealthy or not. You’ll not need Material items, to be happy, you’ll be happy within yourself, you’ll be grateful for them.

Your relationship with your self is the most important thing.

as they are lacking in cognitive reflection skills, they just can no over the past to see any mistakes they’ve made to reflect or change their behaviour, it a disorder that is on a spectrum, they have a disorder and they can not change that and without the ability to reflect, they can not learn ways to manage the disorder as once they’ve created their own reality they will stick to that reality and blame all others, also they believe they are entitled to do as they please, as they also might suffer from cognitive distortion. This means they have categories of automatic thinking.

They are always right.

As the lack in empathy they will prioritise themselves over others, they will actively try and prove that their thoughts and actions are always correct and others are wrong, the black and white thinking, no middle ground. It’s either good or it’s bad and nothing is in between to them.

Always Blaming others.

Even if they intentionally inflict emotional distress onto others, cause harm to others, they will hold that person responsible for their actions towards them, the narcissist will make a reality up of why it’s always someone else fault.

There is a thing called the narcissists collapses, they might have pushed everyone away. The overt have grown old lost the looks and charm they relied upon for years, people around them have just seen through their toxic nature when all those around them just start to wake up. whatever it is one day that mask slips and their true selves are shown to all.

They seem to have a mental breakdown down, they become withdrawn, depressed and often isolated. They can no longer face the world as that would mean facing themselves.

From what I’ve read most narcissists, never get past the collapse and they spend the rest of their days alone and miserable, blaming all those around them.

As a narcissist grows older they lose their popularity.

A narcissist can not sub-stain long term healthy relationships.

As they age they lose the ability to charm so easily and can no longer bring in new people. They are often left with no support for their ageing health problems.

Those with substance abuse or other addictions and debts leave them constantly searching for more and destroying themselves in the process.

Some narcissists become more critical as they get older. As all narcissist play victim from Time to Time, some will switch to victim mode as they age.

No matter what a narcissist owns, or whoever they are with, they get bored of them, they need more, they’re always looking for something bigger and better.

A narcissist is so happy with new people or new items, yet it’s only ever temporary, Then they see someone else has got what they believe to be something better, belongings, money and privileges do not actually provide true happiness.

People who are abused by a narcissist who is determined to heal. Will heal and the narcissist will no longer be able to affect them.

A narcissist can not feel true love, not even for themselves. They can not feel you love them as they’re always looking for more. They don’t heal, they don’t heal themselves.

More and more people are healing, becoming stronger, taking control back of their own lives. Then they lose the fear of the narcissist. They calmly and clearly go to court and they win, narcissistic people need your fear to hurt you. The more you stand up to them and no longer fear them, they can no longer hurt you.

When a narcissist falls, they fall badly. It crushes a narcissist when they don’t win.

As narcissistic people age, they slowly get destroyed. They’ve left destruction all along with their lives. Narcissist age and lose their looks, they lose their ability to charm and intimidate others, they lose their power, they lose their jobs, all narcissist end up facing their tortured selves. That they never healed.

You can love yourself again, you can love others, others will love you, the best relationship you can have is the one with yourself, you can learn, you can grow, you have the strength and the power within you to create a new much happier, healthier life for you. You can and you will.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

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Revenge and karma.

Narcissistic Mothers.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Did you have a narcissistic mother?

Normal mothers love and nurture, yes they make mistakes but they do their best to make you feel, secure, safe, loved, cared for and accepted, make you feel complete and whole from the inside, feeling you are loved for who you are.

When you’re raised with a narcissistic mother it doesn’t turn out this way, often left depressed, empty and broken, then falling into a relationship after relationship with narcissistic people. You grow up believing you are unlovable.

It’s not an excuse, but these narcissistic parents have usually suffered some form of trauma themselves to kick in the survival mode, unfortunately, people who’ve been hurt can then go around hurting others, not always the case but one sibling may grow to be a narcissist, and one grow with great empathy for others, they may all grow with empathy and attract narcissistic partners as they don’t know any different and want to people please, you learn to accept behaviour from your parents in childhood that you should have never accepted as you didn’t know any different, or they may all grow up with a lot of narcissistic traits, narcissistic psychopaths are born that way, narcissistic sociopaths and narcissist are usually created during childhood trauma, as they go into the human survival instinct of the fight mode and fail to step back out of it.

Sometimes we end up with a narcissistic partner because one or both parents were narcissistic.

Was either every single aspect of your childhood controlled by your mother? Or were you completely ignored like you didn’t even exist? Or they might try and live through you, living her dreams by pushing them onto you and not allowing you to learn your own dreams.

When you’re growing up you look up to your parents as role models, if they were narcissistic you developed coping mechanism to survive.

So what is the difference between a narcissistic mother and a normal mother?

Most parents want the best for their children, most are proud and most think their children are beautiful. Most will discipline their children, most like to show off about their children and most do have grumpy days, that may result in snapping at their children, this is normal.

The most common signs your mother was a narcissist is they denied you the right to be yourself, to discover who you are, they have no empathy for you or how you felt.

Was the image outside the family home always perfect, yet inside was completely different?

Signs your mother was a narcissist.

Were they always ruining special occasions? Finding ways to make it all about them?

Were they never wrong? Would they twist everything to blame you? Did they never apologise?

Did they never seem to take your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board?

Did they always criticise you and put you down?

If you were Gaslighted and controlled by your mother she is most likely a narcissist.

Were you constantly insulted by your mother?

Did she always take you to the doctors for issues you didn’t know you had?

Did they deny you love and affection unless you achieved something?

You could never share thought or feelings, as they would be used against you.

Did your mother always, lie, manipulate and try to control you?

Did she always take the credit for your achievements?

Did you feel like your mother was always competing with you?

Did your mother just constantly storm your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy?

Did she deliberately break things you owned?

Did she always guilt trip you?

Always spoke of their problems with you, but never listened to yours?

If you said anything to her about her she didn’t like, did she smack you, send you to your room or screen at you?

Were you the forgotten child, the golden child that always had to perform for your mother or the scapegoat always being blamed?

Did you feel like you had to parent your own mother, take care of her, comfort her, not just because she was under the weather but all the time?

If you’re a people pleaser it might just be because your mother was a narcissist. Do you feel shame or guilt? Constantly trying your best so that all others like you. You may have always felt empty inside like you don’t deserve happiness, you may have trust issues, you may find your emotions hard to deal with. You may find it difficult to say no, creating and enforcing boundaries, little self-worth and self-love if you felt this way growing up, and into adulthood, you might be full of anxiety, you may have always had to defend yourself to your mother, often doubting reality around her. it could be because you had a narcissistic mother.

Boys might grow to spend every relationship trying to turn the women into something their mother wasn’t when the women fail to take away that deeply hidden inner trauma, they punish them, trying to pay back their mother who was the person who caused them so much, pain anger and resentment. Then those women become damaged traumatised and start to act out of anger also.

The girls grow to mirror her mother’s insecurities and be the mother to her children that her mother was to her, often being abusive to her partner.

Sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers may grow up to become a co-dependant.

When you spend your entire life trying to get your mothers approval and support, and no matter what you do, it’s not there. It’s an incredibly tough way to grow up, it shapes who you are. The good news is you can recover and reshape yourself to who you want to be if you put the work in. You can heal those wounds overcome the mindset and inner self that’s been drilled into you from such a young age. You can evolve and have a much happier future.

You may have only just stumbled across the word narcissism because of your ex, it might only just be occurring to you that one, or both of your parents were narcissists. You may still be in contact with them.

You may not want to do anything for fear of upsetting other family members, sacrificing your own happiness, for others.

Not only dealing with a narcissistic mother yourself you may have had a narcissist mother in law, but you may also have been walking on eggshells, trying to avoid upsetting your mother or your mother in law. Some of these mothers have the power to control entire families.

If you only had one narcissist in your life or you’ve had many, from parents to siblings, or your partners, recovery follows the same pattern.

Unfortunately, you have to take away that thought process that blood is thicker than water, the same as marriage is forever.

If one parent wasn’t a narcissist they Might have enabled the narcissistic parent through fear.

If you can find coping methods so you are not affected, and still be around the narcissist, that’s the best way to go. The disorder is on a spectrum so some you can learn how to handle yourself around them others you will need to either distance yourself or completely cut them out.

Only you know what will work best for you. If they are still in your life no reaction. If you have a sibling who can relate with you so you can vent to each other about how unbelievable your mother is. If you can do this great, unfortunately, a lot of us can not, as the others have narcissistic traits, or are just unwilling to open their eyes to reality.

If they are damaging to your true inner self, you need to cut them out of your life. No excuse.

If your worried what others think, or if you’re worried they are elderly and need you. So what, if they are still damaging your mental health and your inner self, you have to remove them from your life.

If they are no longer causing you issues and you can put up with them, then no need to cut them out.

observe their toxic words, know that they are theirs and not yours, do not absorb them, only you define you.

Narcissistic mother or father or any other family members, the same things apply to recover and live a happier life for yourself.

If you can not counteract it and lose the trauma patterns if your children are learning from the abusive behaviour you have to cut them out.

If it is affecting any of those you love and you can cut them out, you need to do so.

One of the main things you need to do, if you don’t cut them from your life, is establishing firm boundaries, them actioning them.

We are individuals, so healing is what works best for you, it’s about breaking that trauma bond, then finding who you truly are, once you rediscover who you are, it’s gets so much easier. If you’re in a negative mindset, you need to work on your programming, it will take work to start with, changes your thought process, it will get easier.

Finding out who you truly are, you have to put the work in, it is possible if you’re willing to learn, grow and accept change, trying out new interests until you discover what it is you enjoy and not what your mother forced on you to enjoy.

A simple step is if you always order one of two dishes when you go out to eat, go for something you’ve never eaten before, try a restaurant you’ve never been to, join reading groups, gaining knowledge and meeting new people, try writing.

Have a go at horse riding or take a simple walk, try dancing just try new activities, until you find what you enjoy for you. change the restaurant you usually eat in. whatever it keeps going until you find the things you truly love and enjoy doing, for you.

Click the link below for the free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/kick-start-breaking-free-from-the-narcissist/?preview=

Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.

https://overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-free-from-the-narcissist2/?preview=

All about the narcissist Online course.

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Full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse

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The scapegoat child.

More on signs your parents are narcissistic and it’s ok to cut them out.

Anxiety recovery.