Why Do I Attract Narcissists?

Why are narcissists attracted to you?

As the saying goes ”You attract what you are.” which isn’t entirely true when it comes to a narcissist you don’t attract a narcissist because you’re a narcissist. If you don’t exploit others and yet you attracted someone who exploits others, you attracted them because of your kind nature, if you have empathy and care for others. However, you attracted someone who lacks empathy. You attracted them because of your kind nature. We don’t always attract what we are. Sometimes we attract people who want to take advantage of who we are. Who want to benefit from who we are, and this can be down to how we look, what we own, who our friends are, whatever quality the narcissist sees within us that they want. When we first meet them, they often mirror us. We fall in love with that person, that person who’s reflecting who we are straight back at us. Yet, usually, as we don’t pay attention to our own worth, we fail to notice. However, when they devalue us, we see, and we then begin to focus more on our faults, our weakness and our insecurities often overlooking theirs through their many manipulative diversion tactics.

It also depends on the narcissist. A vulnerable covert narcissist might want someone who’s shy and quiet, who will not outshine them, who has suffered a trauma so they can emotionally blackmail, guilt trip and gain the sympathy more easily.

A somatic might want someone who looks good on their arm, or they might go for someone who they perceive not to look as good as themselves as they don’t want their partner to steal the limelight.

The cerebral might what someone of intellect, although they’ll often take this person down, or they might want someone where they can raise themselves knowing their partner doesn’t know as many big words as they do, as they’ll find it easier manipulate other things from them.

We have a natural attachment system, and this is a neurobiological system. Which drives us to bond with other people, this is an emotional bond that is formed at birth, where infants attach to their primary caregivers so that they can get their basic human needs met, as babies are dependent on primary caregivers to get their human needs met, to be fed, changed, loved etc., this then develops into the requirements for social acceptance, emotional awareness and understanding, cognitive development. Our human needs for contribution, love and connection and significance, meaning we need to connect with other people but to also contribute to other people, and connect with things more significant than ourselves.

When the attachment system is opened within a mother and baby relationship, through things like skin contact, eye contact, then mirroring the energy and the mother can soothe and take care of the infant. Forming an emotional bond within the mind.

Those with cognitive, emotional and compassionate empathy have an attachment system that’s extremely easy to open when they connect with other people, as they are very good at feeling another’s pain and seeing others perspectives and trying to help those they are close to. Naturally being tuned into other people’s needs and feelings, even if unaware on a conscious level, it’s easy to get sucked in by those who wish to manipulate so they can exploit us for our caring nature.

A narcissists attachment system works. Differently, the narcissist, believing they are above others, and that others are just an extension of themselves, so there is no two-way energy flow of giving and taking, they can do this in the start of the relationship as they pick up your energy. They know how to extract sympathy from you, so the narcissist is like a parasite feeding off your positive energy and passing your energy back to you, however as the lack on the emotional and compassionate empathy, as they only wish to serve their own needs, they don’t truly connect and care for others on a genuine level, only for what they can use a person for.

As a narcissist, gaslights, projects, blame-shifting and all the other manipulation they use, making us doubt ourselves and our reality. Our attachment system is wide open on a higher level.

Narcissists thrive off others caring nature and positive outlooks, so they slowly steal the energy of those close to them, leaving us drained and unwittingly looking towards our attachment to the narcissist for help.

So what kind of qualities within people attract narcissists.

1, you’re a child of a narcissistic parent. As we are raised around these behaviours, we can then, in turn, accept these behaviours from others believing they are normal, excusing others treatment of us as we’ve been trained to accept it. Often trying to please others so we don’t get hurt by others. Not realising that very quality of wanting to please others which is great when pleasing the right people is the quality a narcissist will use against us time and time again to get their needs met.

2. A willingness to forgive others, having forgiveness is a great quality, so we don’t hold onto that anger and resentment. Sometimes we forgive in the wrong way. There’s always a first time, and people make mistakes, after that first time you forgive them there should be no reason to give a second, third, fourth, seventh chance, if there is that person hasn’t learned the error of their ways. The more we go back, the more we forgive, the more they see the problem as ours, we can not teach others to learn for their mistakes that is on them. However, we can learn for ours, we can forgive them, which is not to excuse their toxic behaviour, it’s so we can lose any anger or resentment we hold for that person as people can only push people so far before that anger arises, some people might feel stupid within themselves. It’s never stupid to forgive those who hurt you. It’s stupid of those who hurt you not to recognise how grateful they should be that you care enough to forgive. Sometimes in life, people leave us no choice but to forgive them for who they are and leave them to be who they are while we move safely away from them.

3. You’re a very empathetic person. Often you can feel the pain in those around you and do your best to help others so they don’t feel the pain you may have or are feeling. Understanding of the pain the narcissist might have been through so we are more willing to make excuses or look past those red flags, at times not even seeing those red flags as they see others as genuine people who just make mistakes.

4. You want to help others turn their lives around, all to do with that empathy which is a fantastic quality we just have to give it to the right people and learn as hard as it is to stop giving it to those who just wish to take and use our helpful ways against us to guilt-trip us into being there for them when they wouldn’t be there for us. There is no wrong in wanting to help others. We just have to learn the difference between those who would like help and want to overcome any past mistakes, and those who can not self reflect, blame all others and exploit those who want to help them anyway the can.

5. Reliable, honest with a positive outlook on life, as a narcissist is often a very insecure shame-based person with a deeply hidden negative filter on life. Believing that others are against them. They can admire those who seem happy, although as they are envious of those who are happy, they will seek ways to destroy others happiness to feel better within themselves. They like people who are reliable as this helps with their beliefs that they are special and entitled, those who will jump when the narcissist says how high, fill their admiration. Those who are honest makes them feel safe and that they’ll not be abandoned, why most narcissists will run in those early days if you say no and stick to your no as this questions their authority and superiority, they see it as you with the problem for saying no to them. Being reliable and honest is a great quality, one we can give everyone, those who wish to exploit us, we can be reliable in walking away and never going back.

6. Strong and independent, whatever strength you have that a narcissist likes they often see a challenge they could be envious of the strength, and they’ll go all out to destroy it within you, to feel better about themselves.

7. People who are respected or admired in some way. Could be their families, their status, their career and the narcissist wishes to use them as a stepping stone to meet their own needs with the fastest route possible.

It is never your fault when we don’t know we don’t go. You’re qualities, are yours to own. With awareness of manipulative people and manipulative behaviours, they’re yours to give to those deserving of you and walk for those who only wish to use you for you.

It’s so hard to see that we can not help others, that those with a disorder can not change with the help of our forgiveness and compassion. However, those with NPD who exploit others our forgiveness and compassion enables them to believe they are in the right. They are in the wrong, we wouldn’t allow a toddler to carry on stealing from other toddlers, we shouldn’t allow adults to keep hurting adults, and sometimes the only way to teach someone how they shouldn’t treat you is to walk away for good, as those who see no errors in their ways when we return this reinforces their beliefs that we were wrong and they were right. When it’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about being a kind, compassionate, caring human, not hurting others to feel better about themselves.

Those who care often carry on giving, not seeing that those who don’t will just carry on taking.

We have to begin to treat ourselves how we treat others if we wouldn’t treat someone in some way. We should no longer accept that treatment from them.

You don’t always attract who you are. Sometimes you attract people who want to exploit you for the qualities of who you are.

How can you stop this in future relationships?

1. Heal yourself, take care of yourself, pay attention to you, ask yourself. “What do I want. What do I feel, what do I need. Who do I want to be.” Becoming aware of your true self and your actual needs, the less toxic people will enter your life. Or the quicker they will leave. Learn to love and take good care of yourself before you take care of others. So you can be at your best to give your best.

2. Learn, hold, and stick to your boundaries. If something doesn’t suit you, it’s a no and stick to your no.

3, Observe people’s behaviour, don’t absorb until you know them better.

4. Say what you mean and mean what you say, so long as your intentions are good, don’t worry about how someone will feel if you don’t want to do something, don’t. If you do, do. From the start, so you don’t get drawn in.

5. Heal your inner child. Write a letter to yourself as a child and how loveable and kind they were, think of the things you enjoyed as a child. Think about the things you enjoyed as a child.

6. Work on your emotional intelligence. Your mind controls your emotions, and you control your mind. Your emotions are controlled by you, and once you take control of your own emotions, outside situations will have far less impact on your feelings and how you react.

7. When you’re feeling unhappy or stuck, ask yourself. “What would I advise my own child, a close friend, someone I love and care for, then accept take and act on your own advice.”

8. Surround yourself with good uplifting, positive people, reach out to those kind people for help and support, to gain different perspectives, those you don’t think as good, know if they are a good person they meant well the advice just isn’t for you at that moment, those who’s advice feels good, take action on that advice.

9. Learn your beliefs and hold those beliefs that are true to you, don’t try to change others, and don’t allow others to change you.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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What narcissists say to distract you from the truth.

The discard.

Why they lie.

Boundaries.

The Narcissists Reality Gap.

A narcissist reality holds a big gap between their reality and actual reality.

The reality they want to believe within themselves is often the one they lead those around them into believing.

They often come across as very confident people who have achievements they receive attention for, heightening that belief within them that they are special, or they are very shy individuals that believe they deserve more. Still, the whole world is against them, because they are so special the world seems to bring them down.

We can admire and look up to those grandiose narcissists, and we can feel bad and want to help those vulnerable narcissists without realising their intentions are to exploit us for who we are and what we have.

A narcissist often has a very fragile ego and very fragile self-worth, which they like to keep hidden often from themselves as well as those around them, any issues they have to the narcissist will always be someone else’s fault, those who admit to past trauma do so to pull us in because we can empathise and want to help them, without realising they want to sink us. Once we understand what’s happening, or start to wake from their reality, we are often in so deep, and it’s a struggle to get back out.

With a narcissist, they don’t see any issues within themselves only those around them, any insecurities, shortcomings, any mistakes they make or any failings the narcissist will either deny, project or blame shift onto those around them. Projection is their defence mechanism to protect themselves from their true selves and actual reality. However, they often end up believing their own version of events. Those grandiose can usually get those around them to agree, making their reality gap bigger, those vulnerable not so much, often why they resort to the passive-aggressive sulks and silent treatments, and they go into their own world trying to get others to agree with their reality.

All gaslight their reality into those around them. Many with persuasive lies as their lies are their truths.

They are very judgmental of others, either that envious face of “They must have received help.” Or when someone calls them out on their toxic behaviour, so they project with “You’re cheating.” To gaslighting, to deny, to distract from what they themselves are actually doing.

They believe they are superior and above all others, they think that they are so much smarter, especially the cerebral, or stronger, better than others, more attractive than others especially the somatic, even on the lower end of the spectrum that deeply insecure vulnerable narcissist, who just never understands why their reality isn’t as it should be. They don’t get why people don’t see it from their point of view, their reality.

No matter where they are on the spectrum, a narcissist is not going to be held accountable for their own negative actions, as they believe, that those around them cause their own problems. However, the narcissist’s problems are caused by those around them, that criticism of their false reality if you were to question them often means they seek revenge, they are hurt people who wish to hurt people and deep down the good majority are hurting and insecure, screaming out for attention any way they can. This will never excuse their behaviour. Many hurt people choose to help people.

Their idealisation stage with their grandiose act to gain that admiration, and as their reality is often off, yet they believe in their reality, so their lies are often their truths, however, when someone is questioning that reality, their grandiosity, their superiority, they can then begin those smear campaigns, they prefer positive attention. Still, they’re not going to let someone get the better of them, as they believe they are entitled and as they lack the empathy to care, it’s all about them being in and staying in control.

With a narcissist when they have a low moment a bad day when they reality gap seems to be closing in on them, they will point out what’s wrong with others feel better within themselves, often they bring those around them down to raise themselves up.

They can own a very nice car, yet if someone comes along in a vehicle, they Perceive to be nicer than theirs, it’ll be “They got an inheritance.” Instead of being pleased for another, and work hard to achieve for themselves, instead of recognising they’d like that, they’ll often purposefully sabotage the car. Instead of working hard to achieve something they’d like, which would require hard work, drive and determination, a growth mindset, they’ed prefer to drag other people down for a quick fix, to feel better about themselves, then quickly project, blame shift. “If they hadn’t.” So the narcissist can escape any feelings of shame. They will exploit others to meet their own needs. Often why they think others exploit them, however when a narcissist exploits someone and gains from it, as they feel entitled, and lack the empathy to care, they believe it’s the other person fault, and that person got what they deserved.

Whatever hobby they do, is usually someone else’s, as they mirror those around them to pass personalities off as their own. Anything they do, they believe they are the best. If they don’t win, the other team cheated, if they don’t get the job, then the job was beneath them anyway.

Those at the lower end of the spectrum achieve their goals by being aggressive and rude, putting fear into others, or they play the victim and guilt-trip those around them to meet a need of their own.

Those in the middle of the spectrum will do it with extreme jealousy. Often with those Silent treatments. and those victim play

Those on the upper end of the spectrum can be aggressive but on a much more planned, more calculated way, often getting flying monkey and enablers to do their work for them so that they can escape accountability, and they’ll still play the victim if needed.

The somatic will use their looks to pull others down, the cerebral will use their intellect, the grandiose plays the hero, the vulnerable the victim, and they can all cross over to meet their own need.

Those on the lower end of the spectrum, as they still feel entitled and superior to others go through life doing as little as possible and taking as much as possible, They believe they are entitled to do as they please, take whatever they want, no one is allowed to stand in their way if someone does, they will often seek some form of revenge. Wearing the same designer clothing, that they think speaks to others for how wealthy they are, even if it was all purchased for them by the ex they exploited until they can find a new to buy them some more, how we see clothes is our own unique individual taste. If people want to wear jeans, tracksuits, trousers, skirts whatever people want to wear is for themselves. Narcissistic people tend to believe it shows to others just how important they are. They will put those around them down, about how they dress so that they can feel better within themselves, They may not work at all, to avoid maintenance payments, as they don’t believe that should financially provide for their children. They twist this any way they can to make the parent who does provide look bad for feel guilty for asking, in reality, no one should have to ask a parent to take responsibility for their own child, more often than not, you’ll have to ask a narcissist so they can feel special, and they’ll find a way to put you down, invalidating you for trying to provide for your child, they expect you to, but they believe they’re above this and shouldn’t have to, some will and they’ll also use this against you. If they do work, they are the best at their job. The only reason they’ll not get promoted will be someone else’s fault. When in reality, it’s because they’re too lazy to work harder and earn a promotion.

They will never see their own inadequacies, and live in a reality world that they have achieved more and deserve more than all others if they haven’t, then that, will be someone else’s fault.

The ones in the middle of the spectrum, they may well have a great education, great jobs, excellent incomes, music or sporting achievements, they will often have everyone around them fooled and be more the grandiose narcissist so their arrogance often mistaken for confidence means they can be very well-liked, they can even be admired for their accomplishments, which they will brag. They will boost, and they will exaggerate. This often means in one way their reality gaps not as big as they can have the lifestyle to match what they believe they’re entitled to. However, it’s also greater as their insecurities are still there, so they’ll always be on the lookout for more, and for perfection. In one way they’re looking to fill that void of love, in the wrong way, as they’re looking the wrong places they never make it. They will bring loved ones down when they feel criticism, and they will believe it’s the fault of the loved one. Therefore they will gaslight, the silent treatment and guilt trip, to strip those around them of their reality and to keep hold of their own, not realising they lose people because they hurt people, they believe others hurt them. So these can have the most significant reality gap, out of all other narcissists on the spectrum, they will demand help and support from others with those random sulks brought on because they have the odd moment of seeing real reality before they shut it down and go back into their false world full of negativity to others, manipulation and lies. The shortfall of what they are and what they want often has a massive blow to their own ego.

Those higher functioning narcissists on the higher end of the spectrum that have often exploited their way to the top as they have a greater underlying on how to manipulate people in the right way for their own gain without getting caught, those with the high powered jobs, the cars, the suits, the homes and the holidays. As they have a lack of empathy meaning no sense of remorse, as they are full of self-entitlement, because of their achievements this then emphasis to their ego and their reality that they are above all others, no matter who they are or what they achieve, even those who have done exceptionally well for themselves it is still not enough, they need more, they still believe their own reality that they are entitled to everything they have, they still believe they deserve so much more.

People on the narcissist personality disorder spectrum do live in reality, the false reality that they are entitled, above all others and worth more than they are, with a lack in empathy to care for the thoughts or feelings to others in how they get their needs met. All others are to blame for their own faults.

Happiness always comes from within, we have a nation of hurt people, trying to help people to heal their inner pain and find their inner happiness, those who are kind to others, humble within their achievements, learning from mistakes.

Then we have hurt people, who hurt people, feel a need to destroy those around them to feel better within themselves, not realising; this only makes them feel worse.

Often a narcissist gets worse with age due to the ever-widening reality gap.

Their gap in reality of how their behaviour hurts and harms others, and often ends up driving those who care about them away, however bad life gets for them. They’ll never see it as their fault they’ll still blame it on others.

A narcissist can only show that admiration face for so long, when your feelings feel off about someone, that’s when it’s time to go, the reality the narcissists wishes to sell to others, no matter how much they try to hide the gap, they envious face will show, you can not help them as they do not see themselves as the problem, to them all their problems are because of you and based on that if you want to help them, therefore you can help them and you by walking away from them.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Don’t argue with a narcissist.

Why A Narcissist Will Not Let You Go.

Why will a narcissist not leave you alone?

Most often when a narcissist had discarded us, it’s a harrowing experience, working through the pain and lightbulb moments of the past, while working on our future, working on our doubts, overcoming the trauma bond. Yet the narcissist keeps reappearing, either with their hurtful games or trying to suck us back in. So why when they discard, or when we leave them will they not just leave us alone? Why do they continue to hurt us? And why do they try to win us back?

1. The narcissist’s arrogance. When we end the relationship, it’s not to hurt them. It’s because we’ve hit the point where we can no longer take been thrown off the boat for them to pull us back up blame us and throw us back overboard to lift us back up and blame us, we realise as hard as it is, that our comfort zone is not comfortable. We need to face the pain of leaving, as the pain of staying will be worse in the long run, that we are worth more, we often feel guilty that we can not help them, that we have to block them. With a narcissist they discard because they see something they believe to be better, however when the narcissist repeats the same cycle with the new that they did with you, the narcissist is arrogant, conceited, excessively proud of themselves and believes that no one would refuse them, that they believe they can reappear to pick you up from where they left off as and when they please, they might use flattery, they might future fake to pull you back in or offer that false apology. Every time we take them back, their treatment of us gets worse as they become more self-opinionated in their sense of importance to you, believing they can do as they please and you’ll still take them back.

2.  Envy, if we refuse their advances, if we end the relationship, when we move on with our lives, they‘ll not leave us alone as a form of punishment. This depends on the narcissist, some fragile narcissists will be a lot quicker in leaving you alone for fear of denting their ego, the grandiose are most likely but not always going to try and punish you. When a narcissist feels like we’ve questioned their authority, this causes them criticism, which causes them to feel angry, thus seeking revenge on us—often resulting in a full-blown smear campaign due to the narcissist’s jealousy and envy.

3.  Preoccupied with power and success, as a narcissist is all about control. They can throw almighty tantrums when they feel like they’re losing control of someone else’s mind, they want what they believe they’re entitled to have. When we take our power back and walk away from them, this criticism to the narcissist‘s power and control over us dents their pride, so they seek to either win us back, as they prefer to love bomb and be admired. Still, they will also use the smear campaign to hurt us, to try and destroy us any way they can, in the hope they get that attention from us, they prefer positive, but as a last resort will take negative, especially when they are out for revenge.

4.  The belief they are special. The belief that they are special and even though they’ll have devalued and discarded many times, they believe that they are still the best you’ve ever had, when we go back, this confirms that belief within them, and when we no longer go back, this questions their belief, so they have to try and win us back to prove they are special or hurt us as punishment for questioning their uniqueness and walking away. They want to gain their power and control over us. If they can not control through their admiration face and love bombing, they’ll try to control through their envious face, through envy and placing fear into us, of what they might do next. They want to emphasise just how much control they believe they have over us and that we should just go back when they please. They learned all our strengths and weaknesses. They know all our flaws and insecurities. They will use the things we care for the most as these are what we’ll most passionately defend, or they’ll use what we’re insecure about to get us to hide away, to prove to themselves that they are special, and that they are superior, by either winning someone back or taking someone down.

5.   Grandiosity, because they have an unrealistic view of themselves, believing they are superior, as they invested their time in love bombing, idealising, devaluing, they believe they are in control. You walking away questions their grandiose view that they are better than all others, and there’s just no way you could live without them. Narcissists exploit people to meet their own need. They believe they should have certain benefits from others with minimal effort.

6.  Lack of empathy. They lack the compassion to care for how their behaviour affects you. They lack the guilt or remorse to care for your feelings. They only care about getting their needs met. Even if we beg or plead with them to leave us alone they don’t care, those with empathy and feelings such as sympathy, guilt, compassion and remorse, those who respect others would leave you alone, as a narc lacks these and feels entitled to do what they want when they want, they feel entitled to be a part of your life any way they can as and when they choose. Even people seeking revenge because they feel scorned would feel bad and leave you alone. However, a narcissist sees no reason to leave you alone, just because you asked, only when they feel their needs are not being met, why things like limited contact, no contact, no reaction are our best line of defence. The narcissist does not care for the pain they cause those around them. They don’t care if they’ve upset someone, they view that as your fault not theirs, and when they intend to hurt you, by you saying “you’ve upset me, you’ve hurt me, you’ve made me feel angry, you’re mean, I feel sad.” This gives our power to them, they know they can control how we feel, they know what pushes our buttons, and this is when you might see that smirk. That look of contempt as they got one over on us by hurting us.

7. Entitlement. Their significant sense of entitlement means they believe they are entitled to do as they want with who they want whenever they want, no questions asked, or they seek to devalue those who dare ask the questions, if you question their entitlement they might come after you until you fawn to their requirements, of if you stick with no contact, no reaction, Grey rock, eventually, they get bored and make up excuses of how you’re useless until then, they’ll most likely project onto you, to bait you into a reaction. Once they have that reaction, they’ll use it against you in their smear campaign.

8.  Requires special attention. If they’re not getting the attention, they believe they’re entitled they will go all out, to gain that attention any way they can, from discarding in cruel ways, to smear campaigns and to hoover you back in.

To get a narcissist to leave us alone, we must leave them alone.

When their pride and ego has been dented, when they feel like we’ve questioned their authority over us by walking away, is often when they’ll not leave us alone, the more we play their games, the more we react, the more they’ll continue to hurt us. We have to gain control of our emotions. Our reactions and no longer supply the narcissist, so they get nothing from us and leave us alone.

There are hurt people who help people. Then there are hurt people who hurt people, those who hurt you, you can not help them, you can not save them, they have to recognise their own behaviour and help themselves. You can help both them and you by safely walking away and no longer playing into their manipulative games.

Use their behaviour to learn how to handle your emotions the right way, to learn what your beliefs and values are and how to set those boundaries, to learn how you don’t want to be treated, to learn how to talk to yourself the right way, the love you tried to give them to help them, give to yourself to heal you.

No one deserves to be abused. However, we have a choice to either accept their abusive ways, to feel sorry for ourselves, to question why is this happening to me? Which keeps us unwittingly trapped within the cycle, or we can use it for what is this teaching me? What can I do to make my life happier.

We have to move away from the why is this happening to me. We have to move away from seeking revenge.

Normal feelings such as, resentment which is a feeling of disgust or a feeling of disappointment towards someone who has wronged us in some way.

The feeling of anger which is an intense emotional state that narcissists can provoke within us, as anger is our emotional response towards someone who’s threatened, exploited, or hurt us in some way.

The feeling of rage, which is an uncontrolled anger often resulting in us giving a hostile response.

These are all normal emotional feelings that narcissistic people can provoke within us, and can cause us to want to seek revenge.

Revenge is the conscious action to seek to damage or inflict harm on someone that’s inflicted damage or harm on us.

Karma, to know a person’s past caught up with them, so they can understand the pain they caused, to balance the scale.

Narcissists act on this anger and rage, often becoming obsessive in seeking revenge for things we haven’t done, for things they believe questions their beliefs that’s they believing they are superior and entitlement.

For us, the best revenge is learning to let go of any anger or resentment as those emotions are what keep us locked in our painful past, preventing us from moving on. At the same time, we seek revenge, they still have control over our emotions, while we give reactions, they still have control over our feelings.

It’s not easy to let go and move on, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it. This doesn’t mean their treatment of you was ok. This means your worth more. It means you’re taking back your power and your control. The best way to move on is by creating and living your best life.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook.

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram.

On Pinterest.

On LinkedIn.

The courses Elizabeth Shaw has available.

The full course.

Click here for the full course to help you understand and break free from narcissistic abuse. 

The free course.

Click here to join the free starter guide to breaking free from narcissistic abuse. 

Help with overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety.

Click for help overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here for more information about the narcissist personality disorder. 

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery and co-parenting with a toxic ex. 

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. 

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading.

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Signs Of Narcissistic Parents And The Affects On You.

Having narcissistic parents can affect you as a child, it will often negatively impact your childhood, and when those childhood traumas at not healed it can impact your adulthood, as a child, you may not have felt loved, heard or seen, that your reality and feelings were not valid, that one or both of your parents treated you as an accessory and not a person, things like how you look is more important than how you feel. That your intellect is more important than emotions, that your sporting abilities are more important than the hobbies you’d enjoy. To keep your feelings bottled up, not to show emotions, to put up with things you shouldn’t have to put up with the whole.” stop crying before I give you something to cry about.

Signs your parent was a narcissist.

The image of the family home to the outside world was perfect. However, it didn’t match what it was like inside the family home.

There was lots of silence one parent always hushing you with ”you know what your mum/dad is like.” or one would sulk, and you felt like you could never approach them.

Your birthday and other special occasions, were always ruined. Or your parents would go overboard and find ways to make it all about them, as your parent always required the attention.

Your parents were never wrong. They would never admit fault. If they were, they would deny or pass the blame onto you. They would twist everything and never apologise. In a genuine way, if they did, it was twisted onto why it was your fault.

They never took your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board.

They would always put you down criticise how you looked, your friends, your choices etc. Insulted you.

They Gaslighted your reality.

They might have always taken you to the doctors for issues you didn’t ever have.

They would deny you love and affection unless you achieved something that they wanted you to.

You were not allowed to express your thoughts and feelings as your parents would use them against you.

They always lied to people or about people. They loved to put others down, claim how other families were inferior to yours.

They always took the credit for your achievements ”You get that from me.”

They would storm into your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy.

They would pity play and guilt trip. ”After all, I do for you.”

They wouldn’t listen or help with your problems, or you didn’t feel like you could talk to them, but they’ed expect you to listen to theirs.

They would ask you something then compare how much better or worse it was for them.

They were only interested in you, if they felt they had something to gain, they were extremely envious of you, and believed they were entitled to whatever you have, as narcissists will exploit others to meet a need of their own.

If they want something that’s yours, they feel entitled just to have it, as they have a lack of empathy, so have no regard to your feelings. ”what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is my own.” attitude.

If you said anything to them about them that didn’t like, they would intimidate, threaten you, scream at you.

The forgotten child, the golden child that always had to perform for your parents or the scapegoat always being blamed

You had to parent your own parents, take care of them, comfort them, not just because they were ill, all the time?

Everything was a competition between siblings, parents you always had to compete for attention.

Walking on eggshells around your parent for fear of reaction.

Rules you might have needed to follow to keep your parents happy.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent often means your reality was changed continuously on you, with gaslighting words of “It didn’t happen like that.” As the narcissistic parent wants to keep up the false image, and you shouldn’t question that image the whole “Do as I say and not as I do.”

That you had to keep the family image going to the outside world, you might have been told to lie about places you’ve been or things you have, told to speak positively about the family and you might have received threats such as “Stop that you’re embarrassing me.” Or “ Just you with until we get home.”

You might have never been allowed to make a mistake, and as people make mistakes when you did, you were told: “You’re such a disappointment.” Or you received those silent treatments, often the golden child, whereas the scapegoat would have received the blame for everything, ” You don’t get that from me.” Or “You’re so ungrateful.”

That you had to be perfect for what your parent’s idea of perfection was to be loved.

You had to act like an adult and take care of your parent’s emotional needs, “It’s not a big deal, grow up.” Or “You’re so selfish.” and things like “It hurts me more than it does you.” You might have done all the chores around the house, not chores to earn pockets money. You were just expected to do your parents roles or look after siblings.

Always getting those mixed messages, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” Or “Children should be seen and not heard.”

Narcissistic parents traits and the effects it can have on you.

Grandiosity, feeling like you can not do anything right, that you can not measure up no matter how hard you try, feeling like you’re not enough, feeling like a trophy and you can not measure up.

Preoccupied with themselves, feelings of having no value, developing a lack of self-worth.

Entitlement, feeling like your not important, and you’re only here to serve others exactly how they want. Feelings of embarrassment or shame when out with them and they’ve been rude to staff.

A belief they are special, a feeling like you have to please them to feel loved.

Arrogance, feelings of confusion, as they act like the perfect parent in front of others and the parent we would like, yet at home the sulk and ignore, only paying you attention if they want something from you.

Lack of empathy, bottling up emotions as you always felt misunderstood, or wrong for having what we’re normal emotions.

Envy, feeling embarrassed or ashamed if they spoke about your flaws, or if they spoke loudly about others flaws in front of you, feelings of not been enough when they would invalidate you.

Requires excessive attention, as your parent always needed the attention, either the vulnerable playing the victim, or grandiose been over the top, you might have felt like a shadow, and extension to them, only wanted when they needed you to help them, or they needed to use you to show off.

Exploitation, you might have always felt like you just were not treated right, perhaps not seeing why, but just seeing within the family dynamics that people were not treated as equals, they were treated unfairly and always to suit the parents need.

As you grow, you feel more valued for what you do for the parent rather than for who they are as an individual. You might throw yourself into achieving things, yet still not feel enough no matter how much you accomplish. You might try to seek approval from others.

Childhood trauma in adulthood can manifest as.

Whether the trauma is direct or witnessed childhood trauma can affect adulthood and manifest as.

Confusion, trying to forget the trauma completely, or trying to suppress emotions

Full of self-doubt, self-blame, people-pleasing, trying to help others, putting others needs before your own.

Not feeling enough, seeking external validation.

Accepting behaviour from others, you should have never accepted.

Having narcissistic partners.

Difficulty setting boundaries trying to keep others happy.

Living on high alert, fear of abandonment.

Often due to the stress of childhood trauma, can contribute to living with chronic illnesses.

Batting anxiety, depression, CPTSD.

You may feel criticised and judged, instead of accepted and loved.

You may not learn appropriate boundaries for relationships.

Recovery.

Seeking the right support, one you feel happy and comfortable with, to work through past traumas. Working through any emotions.

Meditation and yoga are often found to be very helpful, as is exercise.

Trying those things you always wanted to as a child but never allowed, discovering you, your passions, your goals, your dreams.

Working through self-doubt, writing out how you talk to yourself, as it can often be how your parents spoke to you, picking up on that inner voice that doesn’t serve you and throwing out, creating a voice that lifts you up.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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