Did The Narcissist Ever Truly Love And Care For me.

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

No matter who the narcissist is in your life, be it a family member, partner, friend or someone you work with, it can be an extremely, negative, daunting, hurting, confusing and painful experience, it can literally drain everything out of you, ending up with emotional overload and cognitive dissonance as well as numerous health problems. One of the questions I get asked a lot is did they ever truly love me, a lot about recovery is getting the answer to all the whys? What ifs? And did they? So you can forgive yourself, remove any guilt, learn from the past, let go and move onto your future, The did they ever truly love me depends on the narcissist you were action dealing with.

A narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, it’s who they are and they can not change, if they wanted to they could learn coping strategies to manage the disorder, yet as most don’t want to look too deeply into who they are this will most likely not happen.

Narcissism is something that most people have, most people have at least one trait of narcissism in them, most people have healthy narcissism, yet when around people with negative unhealthy narcissism it can bring out out negative narcissism, those not on the disorder can and most often do love and care for you, sometimes the relationship gets so toxic that some people just stop loving and caring to protect themselves, others no matter how negative the experience was will still care on some level, we are human and either way is normal and right for you, so long as you are happy with who you are.

The nine traits of the narcissistic personality disorder and to have the disorder the person you are dealing with needs at least five of these traits.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.

2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.

3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.

4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.

5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.

6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.

7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.

8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.

9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.

So your parents of your partner, even your boss might just have three of these traits. They could take advantage of others to meet their own needs, yet not in a harmful way, unless someone gets in their way, they might have a great job and feel entitled because they worked hard to achieve this, people can put their own needs first and be confident, people need to put their own needs first in positive ways to give the best of themselves, people can seem to lack in empathy, yet they show empathy towards those they truly care for, just like when we cut narcissistic people out because they bring out the worst in us, doesn’t mean we don’t have empathy, or we don’t care, just means we’ve learned to walk away from those who seek to bring us down. people can come across as selfish and people can think they look good and take lots of selfies, in fact we all need to learn to love ourselves for who we are, not to be a narcissist, just to bring us inner happiness so we give the best of ourselves to those worthy of us and walk away from those who wish to harm us, so we no longer people please just to be liked as we like ourselves, be who you want to be with good intentions towards others, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life and you will find the right people.

Now you can have someone in you’re living with three or four of these traits and you just bring out the worst in each other and a toxic relationship is formed, you can have someone with three or four of these traits who are controlling and demanding, then when you’ve stood your ground all hell broke loose, you can suffer narcissistic abuse from someone who isn’t actually on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, therefore if needed, if you can not go no contact, you can with the right support find new ways to communicate, or how to handle yourself around them, so you bring the best out of each other, these people can genuinely love and care for you, even if they don’t always show it.

Yet if you’re with someone with at least five of these traits you have most likely suffered the most hideous form of narcissistic abuse at the hands of someone who has the disorder.

Can someone with narcissistic personality disorder love you, I believe yes, that my own personal beliefs, others believe no, I believe in their own way, in that moment when all their wants and needs are being met by you, they love what you are serving them, at that moment in time, they care that you are making them feel good at that moment in time, and whilst you stay in that places of serving their every need all will be alright. Yet it’s not alright as you are slowly losing who you are, losing your boundaries, your beliefs, your self-worth, your dignity, your happiness, your values, and as soon as you stand you for yourself, they wreak havoc within your life, they no longer love and care for you and they seek to destroy you. They are no longer interested in you, as you are no longer meeting their needs. They are only interested in loving and caring for you in their own unique way when it suits them when it no longer meets their need they just cut it off.

so some people can be so full of anger and resentment towards someone, they can learn to switch off any feeling they had for them at that moment, people on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum are lacking a few things, so they can just stop loving and caring.

Empathy is humans ability to identify with another person’s thoughts of feeling, so we can respond in an appropriate way. Empathy is when you can think about how you would feel if something bad happened to someone. A narcissistic person most often can simply just not have the emotional empathy to see what another person is feeling, they just don’t understand it. They can not relate, put themselves in another’s shoes to genuinely care, some have cognitive empathy, this is to think emphatically and is used in a negative way, they only see how they can use other empathy for their advantage and not how they can help others.

They have little to no guilt or remorse. Without that empathy, they don’t feel bad when they hurt someone, they can see how others would perceive them, so they do carry shame, however, they quickly remove this shame, by blame-shifting it onto others, projecting their own thoughts and feelings into others, then telling stories to those who do empathize of how badly they were treated as they’ve learned this gets them attention. Often believe their own stories as reality.

They don’t have to the attachment to others. An attachment system is usually formed in early childhood with a baby and its primary caregiver, either this never happens or something happens to them in childhood that they turn to fight mode to protect themselves cutting of their attachment, healthy emotions like joy, happiness and love to protect themselves, meaning on a deep level they can never truly comment with others.

They lack a conscience, meaning they are unaware within themselves of the true differences between right and wrong, they believe they are special and superior and rules don’t apply to them.

They lack object consistency. This is usually formed around the age of 2-3 meaning they develop aside to caring for others even if they are not around that person at that time, those of us who have this means even when someone hurts us we can still care about them, a narcissist in any moment can just stop caring if their needs are not being met.

They lack whole object relations, they are unable to see that others have good and bad qualities, that humans are not perfect and come with flaws. So once they realise they don’t like something about someone else, instead of seeing them as perfectly imperfect, with different thought and feelings, who make mistakes, they see them as damaged and hurtful and just don’t care enough or have the ability to understand and find a middle ground.

They lack cognitive reflection, therefore they can not reflect on how their own personal behaviour has caused and issue, they believe it’s your fault for any problems they are having, they blame all others for their own failing, rarely to never reflecting on their own behaviour, mistakes or errors in judgment.

So if you are dealing with someone who has some narcissism, they most likely did love and care for you, and the relationship was toxic and broke down, this can be with, friends, family, or a parent.

If you’re dealing with someone on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum, they love in their own way, that’s mostly self-serving at that moment in time if they believe you have something to offer most will come back to take from you again, only to walk again once their needs have been met.

Someone with traits you can learn to build awareness and understanding of each other. Find a way to communicate.

Those on the disorder will never listen to reason or your point of view, so learning how to handle your own emotions and your own responses around them, I do recommend no contact as the best approach.

The Narcissist And Empathy.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

For the most part we are lead to believe that narcissists are either totally lacking in any empathetic skills, and often are attracted to people with empathy, I shall explain a little more about the different types of empathy, why some narcissists might have a negative form of empathy, to hopefully give you more understanding on the empathetic levels of the narcissist you might have been or you are dealing within your life. Now when it comes to a narcissist psychopath they have zero healthy, positive, good empathy according to research and these are the most dangerous, as it’s no longer a case of they are single-minded and it’s all about them, it’s a case of they simply don’t have the ability to care for other humans wants, needs or feelings in any way, shape or form, these are not only negative, toxic people, they are dangerous.

Empathy is what humans have that makes them able to connect and relate to another human, to understand and accept other people’s hopes, feelings, dreams, wishes, sadness and joy. Whatever another could be feelings, to be able to sympathise with them, or feel joy with them. To feel how someone else feels within that moment however long that moment is. People without empathy can not truly connect with others, communicate on a deeper level with others, can not truly love and care for others as they can not relate to how others feel. Those without healthy empathy only care about their own needs.

The three types of empathy that humans can have are.

Cognitive empathy, having an intuition, a rather accurate perspective on how another person might be feeling, it’s thinking within our minds how another person might be feeling ( although all humans make errors in judgment, even narcissists who will never admit it.) So even with cognitive empathy we might occasionally get it wrong, especially around narcissistic people who put on a grand act with their admiration face so we feel connected with them on a deeper level, help them, praise them and reciprocate those actions and feelings we believe they have for us, as their words and actions at that time are strong and positive towards us, we believe they love and care, although once out of that toxic relationship, we often realise all those times our instincts were literally screaming out at us, yet as we didn’t know what our instincts were telling us, just something they said or did, that didn’t add up, didn’t match out values or beliefs made us question, yet might not at that time truly be aware of ourselves, our beliefs were programmed to see the best in everyone, know that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, we all have history, as we couldn’t see proof for what our instincts were telling us, our empathetic mind overrides them for the reality that we are actually living when the narcissist is treating us so well. The narcissist hasn’t got positive cognitive empathy, they can be tuned in instinctively that if they act a certain way towards us, they get their needs met. They just like how we are making them feel in that moment. The same goes for when they have the envious face, when they are jealous or insecure, not getting their own way, losing control of someone else’s mind and are treating us so wrong, our minds are led to believe, from when they treat us so right and all their toxic word salad, provoking, blame-shifting and gaslighting that we are the ones at fault, so again our minds override our instincts, believing that we have hurt their feelings and it’s something we did wrong. Leading us to accept behaviours from them we should have never accepted, we want to help them as we care for them and perceive that how they are feeling and acting towards us is because of something we did wrong, we then want to make it up to them, make them feel better, and when we give in and do exactly what they want, they offer intermittent reinforcement of the admiration face, they play nice, we feel better as they are happier and they are treating us right, our cognitive empathy feels happier and we believe it was our fault, it is never your fault. Cognitive empathy is our thoughts to understand how someone else is feeling in that moment, it helps us to try and negotiate with those around us as we can think about how they might be feeling in that moment, understanding their view point, even if it doesn’t match our own view point, so we try to compromise so as not to hurt another’s feelings, sometimes we then put another’s person’s needs before our own, however, narcissistic people tend to have negative cognitive empathy or extremely low levels of negative cognitive empathy, they can not relate to how you are feeling in that moment, they can not see your point of view, they feel no need within them self’s to help or motivate you to feel better, so feel no need to find a compromise, you can be sat crying inconsolably in front of them, because of something they did, and they will sit with a glint in their eye, starring straight at us sometimes you might catch a moments smirk on their face, as they ponder about how we’ve made ourselves so upset just because we didn’t do exactly as they said so they had to punish us in some way to make us, make it up-to them, and yet still we stay and try to make it up, because of all their manipulative ways, and our empathy we just do not see they are destroying who we are, they simply at that moment can not think about us, or how we might be feeling, even when sat deeply hurt in front of them, their minds haven’t the abilities to see how we feel or how they might have caused it. Their negative cognitive empathy just means they are thinking of how they can use things against us, pull on our empathy and caring side to get their own needs met, Even good people can at times ignore others deep emotions, or not put ourselves in another’s shoes, as it depends on what we have going off in our own lives and minds at any given moment, if we have so much going off, we can miss meeting a need of another unintentionally hurting someones feeling, yet often afterwards or if that person asks we will then feel remorse or guilt, blame ourselves, learn from our errors in judgment. whereas the narcissistic person mindset when they can sit watching you cry, when they hurt others intentionally or unintentionally, they are so wrapped up in getting their own needs met, they can not think about how they have made you feel, they can not reflect or look back to see what they did, as they believe what they did was right and it’s somehow our fault, they can not feel that level of guilt or remorse to see the consequences of their own behaviour towards others.

Cognitive empathy is more about thinking empathetically rather than feeling empathetically, so the narcissists might understand that we are sad, or happy, yet they can not put themselves in our shoes to think about how we might be feeling or how they could help, only ever about themselves.

If they are not getting their own way, if they have pushed us too far, to the point we say no more, this is when they can recognise they need to say sorry, yet they don’t have the empathy to mean the sorry, they don’t have the remorse to feel for us and give a genuine apology for something they have done, they just see at that moment that they haven’t finished with us yet, they can still use us to meet their needs, or they haven’t got another person lined up, this is when you’ll get the false apology, the “if you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” Or they’ll pull on your empathy. “I know I need to change, I need you to help me.” Then as soon as you accept their apology they are back true to form of being themselves. Then if you have enough and go no contact, some will up their games, using your empathy against you, knowing exactly which vulnerabilities to hit to cause you inner pain and turmoil, as they have lost control and they feel anger and resentment towards you, as they can not empathise, they don’t care for how bad they make you feel, which is why it comes so naturally to most and why some of their games are hideous.

It is possible for people that have cognitive empathy to actually show empathy towards others to meet their own needs, yet lack the emotional empathy to sympathises when they are hurting someone.

Emotional empathy, this is when one person can physically feel in that moment just how another is feeling. If someone around you is happy you actually feel their happiness, if someone is sad you feel their sadness, if someone is hurting you feel hurt, Like when someone smiles at you and it becomes contagious and you smile back, someone else’s emotions can become contagious and have a direct impact on your own emotional state, how you physically feel matches them, like when you’re around a negative narcissist you feel emotionally negative, when your around a love bombing narcissist you feel emotionally high and happy, narcissistic people on some level have this again in a negative way, whilst those around them are meeting their needs, they fill up on their positive emotions and reflect them back out, when someone isn’t meeting their needs they feel negative and reflect them back out, they do not have the ability to feel how others are feeling. Only how they are and the needs of their own that need to be met. So when they are angry, you might connect on an emotional level and want to help them out, yet when you are angry they can not relate and have no intentions of helping you out, if you are sad, they can not relate, they just see it as attention slipping away from them and want to do what they can to pull attention back onto them.

Having emotional empathy helps people to connect with others on a much deeper level, to connect and communicate with others and compromise on meeting each other’s needs, as many narcissists are missing emotional empathy or have cut themselves off completely from these feelings due to overwhelming childhood traumas. That was their coping mechanism and they never learned to pull back out of it, when people feel overwhelmed with emotions it can be extremely draining and can lead to psychological burnout. Often then making even the smallest of tasks incredibly hard to manage, and interacting with other extremely daunting, often when around negative, hurtful narcissistic people, we end up tired, drained and irrational, cutting ourselves off from the outside world, confused and full of anxiety and sometimes leading to depression.

Compassionate empathy, when we can think and feel how another is feeling, then we become extremely moved to help them any way we can, this is the empathetic ability narcissists are completely lacking in, and what can keep us trapped in a narcissistic relationship no matter who that narcissist is within your life, friend, family, members, boss or partner. We can think how they feel, feel how they feel and are moved to helping them, why even the grandiose narcissist might pull out the victim card to pull on all your empathy and get their own needs met. Also why they can hurt you so badly and just walk away, they can not think and feel about how you might be feeling, they have detached their emotions and simply do not care, especially if their own needs are being met elsewhere, they just see no more need for you within their life. Yet if you’re not giving them what they want, they feel anger towards you and as they can have cognitive empathy, they know exactly what your weaknesses and vulnerabilities are, they will use them against you, to hurt you, as they are throwing a massive tantrum to get their own way.

Narcissists potentially have a negative empathy, they might actually have empathy just different from those who actually care about others. where they can see the empathy in others, then use others empathy to manipulate, to take people down, to find the empathy in another towards them and use it against them to meet their own needs, once those needs are no longer getting met they seek to destroy, they use people’s caring empathetic side against them, just like their negative emotions, so they might have the cognitive empathy yet they can only use it to see another’s empathy as to what they can gain, what vulnerabilities they can use against someone to manipulate, yet they don’t have the emotional empathy to actually care about the other might feel. People with empathy can still feel anger and rage when they are provoked by others on the things they care about the most, narcissistic people can pick up on others empathy, on what others truly care about, then instead of using positive empathy to connect in a positive way, to help others out to lift others up, they use what people care about the most, to hurt other people the most, so they can manipulate to meet needs of their own.

Some people can have two or three narcissistic traits, yet not be on the disorder as they do have the empathy to care for others on a genuine level, even if it’s limited, those you can manage yourself around, others with five or more traits are on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum and no contact is the best method for recovery.

Narcissist psychopaths are usually born without empathy, narcissists and narcissist sociopaths tend to have had some early childhood trauma, so the cut off the empathy towards others to save themselves.

The best way to handle those around that are lower scale and you can not cut them out of your life, don’t give them anything they can cut you with, don’t tell about you, don’t ask about them, be monotonously boring as you possibly can, don’t make eye contact when face to face, just look over the top of their ear, keep things on an need to know basis, if they are provoking your emotions to create anger, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, remember you can not change who they are or how they treat people, you can change how you respond and how you let them make you feel, it takes time, it takes patience, it’s a learning curve, it might feel uncomfortable, you might slip up, when you do slip up and that dark cloud hits, it’s just a reminder to go again, try a new approach, so you feel happy, it’s not mean treating those who like to hurt you this way, it’s for your mental health. You can and you will recover from this.

Narcissists Lacking In Critical Thinking Skills. Communication With A Narcissist.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

when it’s comes to communication with a narcissist, be it your parents, partners siblings, boss, friends, co-workers or trying to co-parent, fear and panic can hit hard, learning how to Stand up for yourself and speaking your mind to them, to be yourself around them, then when you do try to get your point of view across, enforce your boundaries, it can be one of the most emotionally draining, hurtful, confusing and at times scary experiences. conversations with a narcissist at times are impossible. You can communicate with them, all we have to do is open our mouths and talk, that’s communication, yet having a conversation with them about something they have done, finding a compromise find the middle ground, trying to work through issues together is virtually impossible. One of the best methods to recover from this kind of emotional abuse is no contact, in some cases, this isn’t always possible, and in some cases they are on the lower end of the spectrum, these are when it’s best to learn how they work, and how to handle yourself around them. So you don’t end up feeling angry, hurt and confused. When you feel yourself going it’s always best to retreat, rethink and then respond if you need to do so.

A conversation with a narcissist is crazy-making. They will provoke you. Switch the topic, talk over you, play the victim. Gaslight you, triangulate or fall silent. Anger and rage when they don’t get what they want. This could be learned behaviour from childhood, or it could simply be they do not understand why we don’t see it their way. Just like we don’t understand to begin with how they don’t ours, yet we are capable of learning. As they don’t understand sometimes a simple conversation they can take as criticism if it doesn’t match exactly what they think, Provoking their defensive mechanics and creating rage and anger in them, even though that’s not our intentions, or when you just want them to say sorry, give you closure, yet they are either unwilling or unable. Now some are highly toxic and dangerous, these are more the narcissistic sociopath or narcissistic psychopath, only you know the kind of narcissist you are dealing with, but the more you stand your ground to them, the more all hell seems to break loose, and you are left constantly on the lookout for the next game.

Here’s a little more information on why a narcissist can not just see your point of view and always seems to work against you, as it’s always their way or you will suffer way, and it doesn’t have to be that way, you can lead them to think something was their idea, true to narcissist form if they believe it’s their idea they will go with it, yes this seems manipulative, so long as your doing it so your relationship works better with your parents, boss, children’s parents, so long as it’s not out of spite to cause hurt or pain, you’re doing it to see healthier results all round not to be hurtful.

New research shows that narcissists are less likely to use critical thinking and are lacking in cognitive reflection skills, this is good news for those of you that question am I the narcissist? Which most of us do when first learning about the disorder another reason your not when you overthink and over reflect and question so much from your past, also another reason why narcissists act on impulse and can simply walk away taking everything with them without a glance back.

Grandiose and victim narcissist differ in their cognitive reflection skills, the grandiose narcissist is the type most people think about when they hear the word narcissist, arrogant, superiority, entitled and come across as having very high self-esteem, and extroverted. to the outside world. Vulnerable narcissists can come across as insecure to those closest to them. They are more defensive and often yet not always more introverted. Most narcissists do act on impulse and are unable to reflect on what they did wrong, whilst others are more calculated and once they’ve made a choice are still less able to reflect on that choice. Both the grandiose and the venerable narcissist are self-centred and can be highly impulsive, even if they don’t act on impulse all the time, once they’ve made a choice they stick with it and don’t have the ability to reflect correctly, see it from another viewpoint or change their mind. Once they’ve set a plan into action they just roll with it and stick to their truths, their false reality. A vulnerable narcissist is most likely to reflect temporary but only in a process that is namely me, myself and I, and not usually for the benefit of others.

Most narcissists seem to lack the ability to make a choice based on critical thinking skills, and even when they are wrong, lacking in cognitive reflection means they are not as able as those not on the spectrum to effectively reflect on the choices they have made.

Narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum so their is those that might be able to yet that’s often rarely to never, and they often revert back to their original way of thinking when their needs are met, often why you get the false apology, that’s usually blamed on something you did, then once needs are met they revert back to their negative ways.

Narcissists are far less likely to use critical thinking which is important to make good sound decisions and the ability to solve problems.

Cognitive reflection is a person having the ability to reflect on something they might have done wrong, mistakes they have made, instead they override any thought that they could, in fact, be in the wrong as they can not reflect on their own actions, if others perceive them as wrong, they will cling on to the fact that they are right as they are unable to reflect and find ways of making their actions or behaviour correct.

Which is why no one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist being shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do, yet don’t want others to think they are wrong. The whole, That didn’t happen, and if it did, it wasn’t my fault and if it was, then you made me do it.

Critical thinking is having the ability to analyse facts to form a judgment, the ability to think clearly and rationally then understanding the logic between ideas, or actions, the ability to engage and reflect.

No one thinks critically all of the time, especially when our self-control is affected by anger, pain, resentment, grief or joy, or we are just being single-minded which even those of us who are not narcissistic can slip into in various situations, however a narcissist rarely uses critical thinking for the good of others, only temporarily to serve themselves.

This is why when you are trying to reach a compromise with them over something, they can not see it from your point of view, they can only see it from their own, you might as well go blue in the face discussing things that matter to you at a brick wall, as if you’ve thoughts, feelings or opinions are not the same as the narcissists they are not listening, if they are and they don’t agree with you, the more you push the subject the more anger they feel that you don’t see it their way, the more the act on impulse to cut you down.

when narcissists are show facts, they struggle to use critical thinking skills, instead of going for gut instincts resulting in impulsive behaviours.

The grandiose side of their personality disorder overrides their ability to critically analysis facts.

so with some, it could simply be they are truly incapable of listening to what you are trying to say. They are simply stuck within their own mindset without the ability to think differently.

If you can not go, no contact, which I always advise as best, as their thinking skills, mixed with a lack of empathy and remorse. Makes for some of the most hurtful, toxic people their is, so with most it truly needs to be no contact. Yet there are those on the lower end of the spectrum or If you can not go no contact, here’s a few ways to deal with them, in conversation.

Always look calm and collected, looking just over their shoulder and try not to make direct eye contact when they come at you with the word salad.

If it’s face to face and you feel a need to respond, do not react to the vile things they are saying to provoke you. Remember who they are observing them, knowing they are only saying things to provoke you, passing their own insecurities off onto you, do not absorb the words, don’t take them personally, don’t defend yourself that’s what they want and why they are doing it. Instead, say things like. “You seem upset all the time are you ok.” Or “you seem negative all the time are you ok.” And leave them to it, don’t continue a conversation just hit repeat of what you said, as they will try to twist it and turn it onto you. If you repeat the same thing you’ll watch them get more frustrating that they can not draw the reactions out of you that they want from you.

Shut them down by not reacting to what they are saying, if it’s messages, don’t go off-topic, do not respond to whatever they are throwing at you, say it once and leave it. So if it’s things like. ” kids have something on, they’ll be ready at 6.” And they come at you with. “That’s just like you.” You’ve said all that needed to be said, do not explain yourself you already have, they didn’t listen the first time they’ll not listen the second. Or when they bring the children home late, pick up late, again act to them like it’s not bothered you.

Other phrases are. “Why would you think that.” Or “you’re entitled to your point of view and I’m entitled to mine.

When you do say these things make sure your face stays straight and keep your emotions hidden. Always look calm and collected. When they are not getting what they want from you, they get angry and they make themselves feel better by making you feel bad.

Once you learn to do it, you’ll know their games and it’ll no longer affects you, it takes practice.

At the start, you may need to get your reactions and emotions out, just do not do it to the narcissist.

Boundaries and no contact is best if it’s not possible then do the above, you are worth so much more. You will recover and move forward to a much happier life.

You’re Allowed To Cut Narcissistic Parents Out Of Your Life.

Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.

Before I start on why it’s ok to remove toxic parents from your life, I’ll explain some signs your parents could be full scale narcissistic, also please remember the narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum and some you can once heal and once learned how to handle a narcissist those on the lower end of the spectrum you might not need to fully cut out, if you can manage your emotions around them and not let their negativity, toxic behaviour affect you. I say you as they will not change who they are, so we have to learn to accept them for who they are, choose to heal and overcome then manage ourselves and our time with them, which is great if you can, if not or they are on the upper end of the scale, no contact is always best, this often makes people feel bad, or guilty and this is normal to feel this way, so I’ll explain why in some cases you need to go no contact and you need to let go of that guilt for doing so.

I too without realising it at the time grew up with a narcissistic father, as the scapegoat child I left home at fifteen and went no contact, unfortunately this also meant no contact with my mother, who is an amazing mother, when I was expecting my first child a few years later I reached out, as I wanted the children to have their grandparents, unfortunately growing up with a narcissist, meant I married a narcissist, my first partner was not a narcissist and treated me so well, yet sadly after a few years we just grew apart, then I met, married and had children with a narcissist, through childhood programming of beliefs, I accepted behaviour from the husband as normal that I should have never accepted, even though I knew something wasn’t right, by beliefs that children should grow with both parents together, guilt for splitting you a family unit, kept me trapped in that relationship way longer than I should have stayed, after the fourth affair I finally left, the ex-husband, was in the middle of the spectrum, then I met the narcissist sociopath five years I split from the husband, as you will all most likely know he treated me better than anyone ever had before I knew what hit me, he just happened to be living with me and a few years later we were expecting our first child, which is when things changed, again not having the awareness of what was truly happening and from learned behaviour from childhood I did not see what was happening to me, I did however finally break free came across the term narcissist, started crossing the t’s and dotting the I’s and the massive realisation after realisation, it was a long hard road. During the time with the ex sociopath narcissist, I had become isolated from so many including my parents again, as I had done so in the past I believed it was all down to me and myself to blame, I had been programmed throughout childhood to take the blame, with the ex narcissist sociopaths triangulation surrounding my parents and toxic words, I’d told him all about my past, so he knew exactly what to use against me to get my mind ticking and cut my father off, which yet again resulted in little contact with my own mother, who’s not narcissistic.

You see my dad is extremely negative, full of criticism and always expects me to pay for everything, other than ” I put a roof over your head.” And I helped do your garden.” The only thing he ever did and that was for the sole purpose to bath at my home and have a cooked meal, as he’s the tightest person I’ve ever met when it comes to money. Those are the only two things he ever did for me, he did however also teach me to be self-reliant which helped massively when getting away from toxic ex’s. When I first learned about narcissistic behaviour, and my dad would come at me, I’d just imagine myself flicking him on the nose, slowly I’ve learned to just prove him wrong when he says I can not, limit my time around him, observing his words and letting them bounce off me not absorbing, finding the laughter in the unbelievable things he comes out with and saying phrases like. “That’s interesting.” Or “why would you think that.” And things like. “In your opinion, however, that’s not my opinion.” Then leaving it be, not getting drawn off-topic or into an argument as the only person who ends up feeling hurt, disappointment or anger is me, he like most narcissistic people gets a real kick out of seeing me upset, he even asked if I was looking forward to a finding of facts case in court with the ex, unbelievable. They do not have the perspectives or emotional empathy to care or see how something could be affecting you.

Now it’s taken hard work, mistakes, and practice to get to the point of being able to spend limited time around him, without letting him have and say or impact on my life, and this isn’t for everyone, it depends on the narcissist you are dealing with, understanding those you can manage yourself around understand only on a pint-sized level, their level of perspectives and opinions, whist good people understand empathy, prospectives and opinions of others on a gallon-sized level also helps, my dad had very little empathy, yet he had a little, ex narcissist sociopath doesn’t so it’s simply no contact, which was far from simple to start.

If they have one or two of these they might just be negative people and you can manage your time around them, if they have them all, only you know just how bad it is or affects you and if you can disarm them when around them, or it needs to be no contact.

A few signs of Narcissistic parents signs, like signs of all narcissists.

1. Jealous and envious of you, when you make your own life choices, putting you down when you are doing well or telling you that you can not do that when you’re trying something new.

2. Dependent on you, emotionally, financially, there’s nothing wrong with taking care of your parents, yet good parents would not want you to sacrifice who you are or what your doing to take care of them, narcissistic parents look for ways to make sure you’re sacrificing your life for them as they feel more important and want to feel special.

3. Lack of empathy, they invalidate your thoughts, feelings and opinions, only what they think matters.

4. Lives through you, wants you to do what they want, wants you to have the career they want, not open to what you would like to do for you.

5. Superficial image, everything they portray to the outside world about family life, is exaggerated or lies and doesn’t match the reality of what family life is truly like.

6. Manipulation, the words they use to undermine you and destroy your self-worth. Things like.

Comparison in a negative way. “Why can you not be more like your siblings.”

Guilt trips. “After all, I’ve done for you, you can not do this for me, you’re so ungrateful.

Shaming you.” How could you not achieve this, you’re an embarrassment.”

Unreasonably pressure. ” if you don’t do your best you’re no child of mine.” Good parents will raise you to try your best and help you through mistakes.

Manipulative reward. “If you don’t do this I’m cutting you out of my will.”

There are just a few examples theirs so many more.

Sometimes we end up with a narcissistic partner because one or both parents were narcissistic.

A few more things if you’re still working out if your parents are narcissistic. They might not have done all of these, if you find yourself saying yes to most, you are most likely dealing with a narcissistic parent.

Was either every single aspect of your childhood controlled by one of your parents? Or were you completely ignored like you didn’t even exist? Or they might try and live through you, living their own dreams by pushing them onto you and not allowing you to learn to live your own dreams.

When you’re growing up you look up to your parents as role models, if they were narcissistic you developed coping mechanisms to survive.

So what is the difference between a narcissistic parent and a normal whatever normal is parent?

Most parents want the best for their children, most are proud and most think their children are beautiful. Most will discipline their children, most like to show off about their children and most do have grumpy days, that may result in snapping at their children, this is normal.

The most common signs your parent was a narcissist is they denied you the right to be yourself, to discover who you are, they have no empathy for you or how you feel.

Was the image outside the family home always perfect, yet inside was completely different?

Did they go around ruining special occasions, always needing to be the centre of attention?

Where they never wrong? Would they twist everything to blame you? Did they never apologise? Or if the did apologise did you feel like it was still your fault?

Did they never seem to take your thoughts, feelings or opinions on board?

Did they always criticise you and put you down?

If you were Gaslighted and controlled by your parent? They most likely are a narcissist.

Where you constantly insulted, criticised and put down by your parent?

Did they always take you to the doctors for issues you didn’t know you had?

Did they deny you love and affection unless you achieved?

You could never share thought or feelings, as they would be used against you?

Did your parent always, lie, manipulate and try to control you?

Did they always take the credit for your achievements?

Did you feel like your parent was always competing with you?

Did your parents just constantly storm your bedroom, over anything and everything, never giving you any privacy?

Did they look through your personal belongings? often saying they just want to know more about you, yet not giving you your personal space?

Did they deliberately break things you owned?

Did they always guilt trip you?

Always spoke of their problems with you, but never listened to yours?

If you said anything to them about them that they didn’t like, did they smack you, send you to your room or scream at you?

Were you the forgotten child, the golden child that always had to perform for your mother or the scapegoat always being blamed?

Did you feel like you had to parent your own parent, take care of them, comfort them, not just because they were under the weather but all the time?

If you’re a people pleaser it might just be because your own parent was a narcissist. Do you feel shame or guilt? Constantly trying your best so that all others like you. You may have always felt empty inside like you don’t deserve happiness, you may have trust issues, you may find your emotions hard to deal with. You may find it difficult to say no, creating and enforcing boundaries, little self-worth and self-love if you felt this way growing up, and into adulthood, you may have always had to defend yourself to your parent, often doubting reality around her. it could be because you had a narcissistic parent.

When you’re surrounded with negativity it breeds negatively. Being around toxic people sends your mind and your spirit into turmoil. Surrounded by issues, problems, yelling, screaming, pain, hurt, lies, anger, dysfunction. It goes on all day every day, walking on eggshells not knowing what is going to happen next, so when you go to sleep at night, you may sleep but you’re not resting. This also has massive effects on your mental health.

When the things you are doing, the places you’re in, the circles of people you’re around isn’t bringing you inner joy it affects everything about you. To the point, you no longer know who you are. And you no longer love yourself.

The Narcissist is jealous and envious of all those around them, they have issues and insecurities they project onto you. They’ve sent you ever sign imaginable that they don’t care for you. As we are so trained to have people around us, we continue to make excuses and go back, we accept the behaviour as normal that we should have never accepted. you continue to show up to everything they invite you to, hoping for better, yet knowing they are no good for you, yet as you don’t know why you continue to work harder to please them and try again.

I’m not saying you need to remove everybody and go it completely alone forever. It’s about being around the right people.

When you’re surrounded by negative and dark toxic people, you will be unable to love yourself, find who you are. Go to sleep at night and rest. Your days will not feel good.

So what if you’ve spent years with them?

So what if you have children with them?

So what if they are family?

So what if it’s familiar?

You have to learn no matter how hard it is, to love yourself, have a happier life. You have to walk away from negative people and walk in the direction of peace.

You want to love yourself and love life, you want to laugh, smile and enjoy. You need to feel good about you and those around you.

You have a choice, you might think it’s a hard choice, but when you stay around toxic negative people, that choice isn’t working too well, the choice to leave is hard, but life will become better when you make the right choices for you and work through the pain, learn from the mistakes and grow into who you want to be.

When you keep extreme toxic people in your life, its always draining, it is always challenging, its always hard, it is always heartbreaking.

They are insecure they try and make you feel bad, they have a problem with you, yet you don’t have a problem with them, you try time and time again to help them, and all that happens is you lose a little more of who you are each and every time.

They subtlety manipulate you, they are jealous of you. They don’t like that you can change develop and grow, people come to your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime, you need to learn what people have entered your life for. You have to recognize when the season that person entered your life for is over.

In order for you to not sink, in order for your career, your personal life your everything to not go under, you need to remove toxic people, if you have gone under, you need to remove toxic people and build yourself right back up.

If you’re not growing with someone, your dying with them, loyalty is not worth it when they are not loyal to you and all they do is sink you further into depths of despair.

When you’ve been overused and over abused that loyalty needs an expiration date.

Some people are just not right for you. Don’t play the victim. You do not need to be a victim, do not define who you are as a victim, victim mindset will work against you and never for you.

When your mind creates negative thoughts you don’t have to think them if it’s not happening in that present moment you can change them.

When people invite you to negative places when they invite you to arguments you have a choice to no longer show up.

No one wants to be alone, but why spend the rest of your life with those who make you feel lonely, don’t allow those who make you feel lonely to rent space in your head for free.

Feeling good, feeling happy, isn’t an opportunity, its a responsibility, its great opportunity’s you have to create for yourself.

Who cares what they or others say about you. Stigmas, or what others say, does not define who you are, you can not control those around you. You can control you. With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your live fro you.

The people you invite into your life is going to have a massive impact on how you feel.

You may not have to know what they were in the beginning, they play a good part of being a good person, you may not know in the middle, but once you do know, it’s time to face your fears, face your own insecurities, lose the guilt and walk away, you can not help those unwilling to help themselves. You can help you.

Love yourself enough, you remove toxic people from your life, find those who raise you, leave those who drain you.

Walk with those who want to grow with you, who want to better themselves, who want to give back and help others, there’s nothing wrong with trying to help and giving to others, you just need to do it with the right people.

Want better for you, take the baby steps to do better for you, make the choices that are right for you. Walk with those who bring the best out in you. Not the worst out in you.

You want better for you, you deserve better for you, do what’s right for you.