Someone’s narcissistic partner is someone else’s narcissistic parent, boss, coworker, friend, child or other family members. Narcissists only change their manipulation depending on who they are around. They do not change out of the disorder. It’s who they are. There are many signs someone in our life is toxic; however, as they’re also manipulative, they often play around with our reality to gaslight our reality, so we don’t see these signs. In hindsight, red flags are wonderful things; however, when we don’t have an awareness of what these red flags are, we don’t know what we don’t know, so we don’t understand what these signs are. Here are ten signs of a toxic narcissistic person in your life.
1. They are Hypocritical.
Narcissists can be some of the most hypocritical people you could ever meet. Common rules just don’t seem to apply to them; however, those same rules will apply to those around them. The whole do as I say and not as I do. What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is my own. Narcissists tend to be incredibly self-entitled people who believe they can have what they want. When they want with whoever they want, they often have a grandiose belief that they are superior and deserve to do as they please without consequences for their actions.
A Narcissist will happily take your money but be very unwilling to part with their own.
Narcissistic parents don’t purchase things for their children out of the willingness to care for the children they created. They are buying things for their children to use those same items against their own children.
A Narcissist that will happily spend money on you will then happily use that against you. “What about when I.” To get you to do something you’d prefer not to do. They’ll purchase a mattress for your bed, then when they move straight in with someone new, all cosy in the new supply’s bed. They’ll want that mattress back off you.
If you know how to cut hair, they’ll expect you to cut hair, yet if they know how to cook your favourite meal, they’ll not cook it unless they want something in return from you, and you’ll usually have to do the return favour first, while they forget they ever promised to do anything for you.
A Narcissist will happily use your stuff, often claiming it’s theirs, but not be forthcoming in loaning theirs or returning yours. You’ll have to chase them for that. If they do return, it’s often damaged in some way.
As narcissistic people are more than capable of treating you so well when they want something from you, when the narcissist seeks to punish you, as you don’t recognise you’re being emotionally abused, often you’re the one left, blaming, questioning and doubting yourself and not their mistreatment of you.
2. They create competition.
As narcissistic people can be some of the most envious people you could ever meet, they’re usually laying the bait to create some form of competition for themselves to win at the expense of those around them because they often lack the empathy to care for who they hurt.
A narcissist will create competition between themselves and others. They’ll purchase a new car just to say, “I bet sams doesn’t have this feature.” to feel better about themselves.
A young grandchild can innocently ask, “how come you only have one car.” because that child’s parents have two, for the narcissist to respond, “at least I have five bedrooms and not two.”
A narcissist will create competition between others so they can stand back and watch the show.
A narcissist will create competition between others “sam would do it for me.” to get people to compete for the narcissist’s attention.
Whatever competition they create, a narcissist creates it to win.
Narcissists aren’t competitive to become better than they were yesterday, growing confidence. They are competitive, where they seek to pull others down to feel or look better themselves, the narcissist’s arrogance.
3. They are Controlling.
Narcissists seek many ways to control others.
They monitor your outings, accuse you of things you haven’t done, cause arguments before you go out, or arguments when you get back, so you no longer want to bother going out or doing things for you, keeping you busy, so you don’t have time for your hobbies. Play you off against friends and family, putting you in the middle and making you choose, often lying about what friends and family have said about you.
They control your money. Either not working and using yours, or letting you believe it’s a good idea for you not to work, then them not giving you enough, yet not allowing you back into work.
They will guilt trip you, triangulate you, shame you, and pity play to get you to break down your boundaries and do things you don’t want to or wouldn’t normally do.
They will damage property, from punching doors to smashing items up.
They can never let you have the last word, even if that means them walking off humming and singing away to themselves or sulking off and giving you the silent treatment.
They invalidate you, call you names, call you crazy, insecure, and sensitive, and put you down in obvious overt ways. “You look fat in that.” or covert means. “Are you really going to wear that?”
They use anger to intimidate you or silent treatment to punish you if you don’t give them what they want.
They don’t compromise. They always have to be right, always claiming that they know what’s best for you.
4. They shame you.
Narcissists exploit others to meet a need of their own. They might judge you, criticise you, shame you, blame you. They’ll claim it’s all your fault. “What would you do without me.” to leave you feeling like you’re not enough.
5. They guilt trip.
A narcissist might lack empathy for you. However, they know how to use your compassion against you. “If you loved me, you would.” what about me.” “After all I’ve done for you.” to get you to do something for them, however, as they are incredibly hypocritical people. Suppose you say to them, after all I’ve done, as they’ve usually trained you to bend over backwards to help them, while they do very little for you. They will throw it all back in your face. They can use it on you. You can not use it on them, the narcissist’s hypocrisy shining through.
A narcissist will happily play the victim to exploit your compassion to meet their needs. They might come across as really open and honest with you when what they’re truly doing is using your empathy against you. You might feel comfortable being vulnerable with them initially, as a narcissist wants to get to know all about you so that they can use your vulnerabilities against you later down the line. However, once they have you, you can no longer be vulnerable with them. Now it’s a case of “you’re too sensitive.” “you’re overreacting.” “It wasn’t that bad.” try to share your news, good or bad, due to their competitiveness, seeking that external validation which at times we all can seek that external validation, seeking that attention, a narcissist’s bad news will be far worse than yours, their good news, far better than yours, they just can’t seem to be happy for you. It’s never about a two-way conversation to show they understand you. It’s to bring the attention back onto themselves.
7. Require attention.
Narcissists often require excessive attention. If they can not get this attention through adoration and praise, they’ll go all out to cause you GRIEF, provoking you with Gaslighting, Ridicule, Intrigue, Environment, and Fear to gain negative attention. If a narcissist wants positive attention, they’ll throw you the best party ever, and the narcissist will resent doing it and expect eternal recognition and praise. If they want negative, they’ll go all out to destroy a party for you while blaming you. If you call them out, they’ll come at you with things like. “Oh, I knew it would be my fault. I forgot you were perfect.”
8. Not listen to you.
If a narcissist isn’t interested and doesn’t have something to gain, they’ll happily ignore you. If they don’t want to answer a question, they’ll stonewall you, a narcissist will withhold attention, affection and support to punish you for things you haven’t even done, and a narcissist will go all out to gaslight you into doubting and blaming yourself, working harder to please them, not recognising what they’re doing to you.
Narcissists lack empathy, so when they fall silent on you, and you go and beg and plead with them, they get a twisted kick out of it. They enjoy the attention. They feel like they matter; however, your feelings do not matter to them.
9. Ignore healthy boundaries.
No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist whose losing control over someone else mind, who is not getting their own way, or who is getting shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do.
A narcissist will ignore healthy boundaries. The more you try to say no to them, the more they up their games to get what they want from you. They don’t accept you’re no. They see it as a challenge to win. They’re going to start creating things, so they can start winning.
10. Nothing is ever their fault.
Narcissists will not be blamed. To them, it’s not their problem, it’s not their fault, they didn’t do it, they don’t say sorry because narcissistic people often believe other people made them do the hurtful things they do, they don’t take responsibility, they refuse to be held accountable, and they try to pass any consequences off onto those around them by blaming those around them.
As narcissists will not be held accountable for their behaviour, they don’t change their behaviour. They just learn new ways to manipulate to get away with their behaviour.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp. (Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.