Reasons why a relationship can never work with a narcissist.
Not all people that are negative have the disorder, and some relationship do just need work and give and take, some people do just make mistakes, for you to give someone a second chance, you both need to grow and change things to adapt and work it through together.
With a narcissist this can simply never happen, as they will never change for anybody, they simply have no empathy for others, and they are proud of who they are, they do not believe they need to change as nothing is ever their fault.
Here are some reasons why the narcissist will never change and why you are so drawn to go back and try again, this is why you need to learn as much as you can about them, so you walk away and stay away.
Nothing about that idealisation stage, in the beginning, is real—the period of Love bombing where you are so drawn into them. The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is the love-bombing period, and it will be an intense one, you’ve never know anything so intense before. The idealisation stage of the relationship is such a fantastic time, you feel like life is just perfect, and nothing could get any better, you happily do everything together, you like all the same things, have all the same interests, you believe they are the one, and they will tell you, that you are their soul mate, how they’ve never met anyone like you. You may say to them the same as you genuinely believe you have reached the one. You think you’ve met your perfect match and you never want it to end. You can not remember what life was like before you met them, you do everything together.
None of this is real, you have simply been mirrored. In every single way, and you have been looking into a mirror. That person you think is the one, is not real. They just said and did exactly everything you wanted to hear and see. They are simply con people, fake.
After the idealisation stage once you are drawn in enough to them. Nothing you do from now on will be good enough. You will up your efforts as they will make you believe it is all your fault, you try your best to hold it together and can not find what is happening.
This is an impossible task. You try and try and try to please them, giving more and more of yourself. All while losing more of your true self. You try your best to salvage what was. Changing yourself to who they want you to be. While they stay the same person, they’ve turned into in-front of you. Their true selves, because of the idolisation period you don’t believe it. You think it’s you. They will offer glimpses of what was if they fear they are losing the power of controlling you. Just to draw you back in. You do all this just to try and get that person back that you love so much not realising that person never actually existed in the first place, that was all the start of their manipulation and lies. Yet you still don’t believe it or see them for their authentic selves as they are so good at what they do and how they do it. Every time you think you’ve fixed it, they will raise the bar. The more you give, the more they will take, what worked last week last month will no longer work. Whatever you do and every effort you put in to make it work will not, yet because of that golden period and their manipulation possibly saying things like “ it takes two to make a relationship work” Or “ if only you were more like this” so you don’t give up. You have empathy, and you care to want and to will it to work.
Nothing can stop the game they are playing. No amount of genuine tears from your heartbroken self will work. They will give you the silent treatment, wanting you to chase them, wanting you to feel guilty, so you try to work out what you did wrong. Yet a couple of days later they are all smiles again, and you’re left wondering what you did and what just happened. They may tell you, but it’ll not be the truth. You may have cooked their favourite meal, anything to apologise for something you don’t know what you actually did.
Ever had that moment that you didn’t make that meal right, so it was chucked across the room, or thrown at you, and it’s your fault, so you try harder next time.
You may learn the rules to stay onside. They were often walking on eggshells around them. With a narcissist they simply have no rules, they will continuously change their game.
All is done instinctively by them, some may not know it’s just instinct, others will know, and yes it’s instinct, but it’s also calculated.
Everything revolves around them and what they need. Drawing any emotions they can from you. Days out will be put back to another day. Events delayed. Anniversaries are forgotten birthdays, mother’s days, Father’s Days will be ruined. To get a reaction from you because it’s not all about them. Jobs, you, children are just an extension of themselves all are to be left to one side and only used to their advantage. The only thing that truly matters to a narcissist is themselves and any emotion they can get from those around them. They will do anything to get a reaction from you. From making you laugh to chatting up your best friend. They will stop at nothing.
Nothing will ever change.
Those who do not know what they are, but they know you are the enemy, you’re trying to control them. When they simply do not need to change. You are the one at fault you need to change. In their minds, they’ve done no wrong. You caused them to behave the way they have to you.
Those who know what they are do not need to change. They believe they are more powerful than you and they are better than you, they do not need to change because what they do works for them.
No matter how many times they come back with the idealisation you want and love so much. This person simply didn’t exist, as soon as they have, you hooked again. Their true selves will come back out.
The idealisation and manipulation are designed, so you are hooked because you’re a good person you want to help, you want to make it work this time. They know this, and that’s why they come back. No contact or minimal contact when children are involved is the only way to go, and this cuts them profound as they believe if they want you. They are entitled to have you. If what they are doing to you or your children is getting a reaction, they will keep on doing so. If it’s not, they will up their game. The lesser will move onto an easier target sooner than a greater would. They will still try again, hoping you’ve forgotten the bad and remember the good. Counteract any effects it had on your children, grey rock for you and your children, limited contact. Get help for your children, child phycologist and help for you if needed. Stay strong, and you can break free. You can help your children grow and thrive.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. (Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw
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