Reasons why a relationship can never work with a narcissist.
Not all people that are negative have the narcissist personality disorder, and some relationships just need work, give and take, some people do just make mistakes, for you to give someone a second chance, you both need to recognise the mistake, to grow and change things to adapt and work it through together.
With a narcissist this can simply never happen, as they will never take responsibility for things that would make them look less than perfect, they simply lack empathy to care for others, and they are unpleasantly proud of who they are. They do not believe they need to change as to a narcissist. Anything that goes wrong is always someone else’s fault.
Here are some reasons why the narcissist will never change their values and beliefs, and why as well as that trauma bond, we can so easily be drawn to go back to them time and time again to try again, this is why you need to learn as much as you can about them and yourself, so you walk away and stay away.
Nothing about that idealisation stage of the relationship, at the beginning with a narcissist, is real—the period of Love bombing where we are so drawn into them.
The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is the love-bombing stage, and it will most often be an intense one. We’ve never known anything so intense before. The idealisation stage of the relationship is such a fantastic time, we can feel like life is just perfect, and nothing could get any better, we happily do everything with the narcissist, we like all the same things they do, have all the same interests, we are lead by the narcissist to believe they are the one, and they will tell us, that we are their soulmate, how they’ve never met anyone us before, we feel deeply connected and understood by them. We may say the same to them as we genuinely believe we have met someone special. We think we’ve met our perfect match, and we never want it to end. We can not remember what life was like before we met them, as now we do everything together with them, even wanting the same future together. They have the same values and beliefs that we do.
None of this is real. The narcissist is selling us an illusion of our ideal to get their needs met, they have simply mirrored us in every single way, and we have been looking into a mirror. That person we think is the one is not genuine. They just said and did exactly everything we wanted to hear and see, making out they wanted the same things as us also. Narcissists are con artists, they exploit people through many manipulative methods.
After the idealisation stage, once they have drawn us in enough to them. Nothing we do for them from now on will seem good enough. They make us feel like we can not do right for doing wrong, as we care for them, we up our efforts as they will make us believe that everything that’s going wrong in the relationship is all our fault, we do our best to hold it together and through the narcissists blame-shifting and gaslighting can not work out what is truly happening to us, as the narcissist slowly devalues us into believing we are worth less than we are, into lowering our standards of behaviour we will and will not accept from those around us. In contrast, the narcissist raises our expectations with future faking and breadcrumbing, to keep us trapped in the hope of something that was never meant to be.
It’s an impossible task to make it work and keep the narcissist and ourselves happy. The more we try and try and try to please them, giving more and more of ourselves to them. All while losing more of our true selves to them. We try our best to get back what was. Changing ourselves to who they want us to be, slowly losing who we are. While they stay the same person, they’ve turned into in front of us, while gaslighting us into believing they’re not the toxic ones, we are. Due to the narcissist’s coercive control, the idealisation period and the trauma bond, we want to believe the illusion they sold us to exploit us is the real them, and not the monster they turned out to be. Due to the narcissist’s projection and blame-shifting, we think it’s all down to us when things go wrong. We carry more anxiety and self-doubt as they further their control. Narcissists will offer glimpses of what it was if they fear they are losing power and control of us. Just to draw us back in. We do all we can just to make them happy, to try our best and get that person back that we love so much not realising that person never actually existed in the first place, that was all the start of their manipulation and lies. Yet we still don’t believe it or see them for their authentic selves as they are so good at what they do and how they do it. Every time we think we’ve got it right by them when they deliver on a promise, take us out, and give us their time again, they will raise the bar. Narcissists feel entitled. They rarely help out unless there’s something in it for them. They expect others to help them. They are happy to take unwillingly to give. They believe that they deserve special treatment. The more we give to them, the more they will take from us, what worked last week, and last month will no longer work. Whatever we do and every effort we put in to make it work will not, yet because of that idealisation stage and their manipulation possibly saying things like “ it takes two to make a relationship work” Or “ if only you were more like this” so we don’t give up. We have compassion, loyalty, and morals. We have empathy, we believe they have the same, and we care for them, we want it to work, not understanding they don’t think or feel in the same ways we do.
Nothing can stop the games narcissists play, other than us walking away. No amount of genuine tears from the pain they’ve caused us will work, they will stand there and watch us cry with a glint in their eye and a smirk on their face, and blame us for the pain we are suffering, as they lack the ability to recognise their wrongdoing, they just shift the blame, they also lack empathy to care. They will give us the silent treatment, wanting us to chase and apologise to them for the things they did to us, wanting us to feel guilty, so we try to work out what we did wrong.
Ever had that moment when you didn’t make that meal right, so it was chucked across the room, or thrown at you, and it’s your fault, so you try harder next time?
We often unwittingly fawn out of fear, walking on eggshells around them. With a narcissist, they simply have one rule for them, usually no rules, and another for you, where you have to comply with their rules, to keep you guessing they will continuously change their rules on you.
All is done instinctively by them, as some may not know, it’s just learned behaviour, others will know, and yes it’s still instinctively done through learned behaviour. However, it’s also calculated.
To a narcissist, as they require excessive attention, are preoccupied with their ideal and feel entitled, everything revolves around them and what they need—baiting others into getting time, attention, and reactions any way they can from us. Days out will be cancelled and blamed on us. Anniversaries, birthdays, mother’s days, and Father’s Days will be forgotten and ruined in any way the narcissist can. To get a reaction from us, simply because to a narcissist it’s not all about them, our dreams ruined, our career destroyed, our relationships sabotaged through their divide and conquer, our confidence stripped away, our finances drained, as narcissists exploit us to take all they can from us. Jobs, family, children, and possessions are just an extension of themselves all are to be left to one side and only used to their advantage, they are envious of others so no matter what you give, no matter what they have, they are always seeking more. The only things that truly matter to a narcissist are themselves, and getting supplies from those around them. They will do anything to get a reaction from you. From making you laugh to making you jealous, making you happy to making you sad. They will stop at nothing to get their needs met.
Those who do not know that they have a disorder, if things don’t go their way, they believe others have turned against them, they believe others are at fault and not themselves, to a narcissist if you disagree with them you are the enemy, you’re trying to control them. They don’t believe they need to change. To a narcissist, You are the one at fault you need to change. In their minds, they’ve done no wrong. You caused them to behave the way they have towards you.
Those who know what they are do not feel a need to change. They believe they are more powerful than you and they are better than you, they do not need to change because what they do works for them.
No matter how many times they come back to hoover with the idealisation. This person simply didn’t exist, as soon as they had us back. Their true selves will come back out.
The idealisation and manipulation are designed, so we are hooked because you’re an empathetic, loyal person you want to help, you want to make it work this time. They know this, and that’s why they come back. No contact or minimal contact and grey rock when children are involved is the only way to go, and this cuts them profoundly as they believe if they want you. They are entitled to have you. If what they are doing to you or your children is getting a reaction, they will keep on doing so. If it’s not, many will up their game; however if that doesn’t work many will not want to dent their ego. Therefore they’ll walk away, and to twist the story one last time, they’ll blame you to others as they smear your name as to a narcissist nothing is ever their fault.
The cheating narcissist.
Idealisation.
Illusion.
No contact.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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