If you have children with a narcissist and they move straight on.
Your emotions will be running high, you will be hurting and grieving for yourself, your children, and the loss of the family unit. You may know that you need to leave the ex, but because of the trauma bond you have with them, this can be incredibly hard for you. Allow yourself time to grieve. You may feel like you still love them. You may hate them. Just know these feelings are normal, and it’s ok for you to feel this way. Once you start making changes within yourself and around yourself, you will heal, you will no longer care, and you will get to a point where you are happy in your own life.
As you have empathy and care about others, you will probably want to warn the ex I have two rules for this.
1. If you have no children with them, walk away, stay out of it, and heal yourself.
2. If you do have children with the ex, reach out to the new partner in a positive, straightforward way. Something like “ hi I’m xxxxx, I just wanted to introduce myself as my children are gaining a new person in their lives to love them. If you have any issues with the children at all, I’m here if ever needed as I want to raise my children to love and respect you. “
Yes, this is incredibly hard to do. Just remember you are the children’s parent, no matter how kids act or what they say. Children often love both parents. Remember, the more people to help support and love your children, the better.
The Wrong Way to reach out is by simply trying to tell the new partner what your ex truly is.
Think back to when you first met them, all the crazy stories told you about the ex. You probably wanted to help them and support them in getting away from that horrible person. If they had children with the ex, they might have blamed the ex for not allowing them to see the children or limited contact. They were probably great with your children in the beginning if you had children before meeting them. So you probably believed them and hated the children’s other parents. You may have even supported them in getting more access, and who could blame you? This wonderful loving person that was love bombing you with all they had, you wanted to help them any way you could, if you’d never been in a relationship with a narcissist before. The ex came knocking on your door or calling you, yes you may question something, but more often than not, it just backs up the story from your new partner of how obsessed the ex is. Unfortunately, just as you did, the new partner has to work it out for themselves.
So remember how you were when you first got together with them. Yes, it’s hard and a horrible situation to be in, but you need to do everything you can the right way to help yourself and your children.
If possible you do not want to make an enemy out of the new partner. After all, they will be around your children, and if they hate you, they will often subconsciously help your ex play mind games with your children as they’ll believe it’s all you. Remember, it’s not the other person’s fault. Your ex just turned up the charm so much to draw them in, just like the ex once did with you. You also want your children to have as many loving, supportive people around them as possible, especially when they are with their ex. They will slowly realise just like you did. If they go on to have a child with your ex and they split up, it would be nice for the children to see you getting along.
Now I fully understand if the new partner is now an ex-friend of yours, it’s even more difficult. The best action is simply to hold your head high and walk away. Even if you cry and scream when at home, do not show your ex or your ex-friend any of your emotions. The old saying is to kill them with kindness. Get on with your life, and let them question why you are so happy now, even if you’re not when at home. Walk with your shoulders back, head held high, and a smile on the outside. This helps your inside positivity too.
When they move straight on, Please understand it’s nothing you did, and it’s not about who you are. The only closure you’ll get is the one you give to yourself. Make it a good one and move forward to a better life.
Genuine people with healthy feelings and emotions when they come out of a healthy or unhealthy relationship need time to heal and grieve, the narcissist is so numb inside they can not do this, they need people to shower them with everything their empty selves can not give themselves, they may simply need a roof over their heads, they don’t love or care about the new person, a narcissist only cares for themselves. Remember how they treated you at the start. That is all they are doing with the new partner, and it never lasts with a narcissist. Moving straight on says a lot more about their own insecurities than it says about you. Remember, they will never be able to have a happy life as it’s always an act. When that mask slips, they have a deep need to find someone to believe their lies again. They can not survive alone. No matter how long it takes, they will slip up and ruin it again for themselves, as instead of looking at themselves to fix their inner insecurities, they are always looking for others. As to them, nothing is ever their fault; they always project onto other people.
You can get over this. You can move forward with your life. Yes, it’s extremely hard, especially in the beginning, to get any support you need, nothing wrong with asking for help. Yes, we all make mistakes. We just have to learn from them, baby steps need to be taken for a full recovery. You will do it, so start with your first step today by telling yourself you will do it, and you can do it. If others can do it, so can you. It gets easier. Put the thought into your head.
The best relationship you can have is the one with yourself. When you have that within yourself, you can then have great positive relationships with those good positive people around you. Positivity loves positivity. Cut all negative people out of your life unless they want help to become more positive, as they’ll only bring you down.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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