Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
As the word, narcissists become more well know. It seems to be getting thrown around a lot more. People end up questioning if they are the narcissist, or their parents, partner or boss is a narcissist. Everyone’s ex seems to be a narcissistic person, and while in a lot of cases this can be true, in others it’s not, some exes might come close as most people have a trait or two of the disorder. However, it is a personality disorder, if they haven’t got at least five of the nine traits, just because someone cheats a lot doesn’t mean they are a narcissist, someone who is confident doesn’t make them a narcissist, someone who takes selfies doesn’t make them a narcissist. A parent who asks their child where they are going or gives them a curfew doesn’t make them a narcissist. Also, some people are just negative or just toxic.
If you’ve turned to google to try and understand someone’s behaviour, if your full of self-doubt and second-guessing yourself, although we can not diagnose, most likely, you’re not a narcissist, and if the behaviour person you are googling is or isn’t, they’re most likely toxic, as you’re trying to work out their behaviour in which case it could be time to walk away.
You are allowed to love yourself this is the primary key to your inner happiness, and we should all love ourselves first, which can be extremely hard to learn, most people don’t love themselves, there’s hurt people who go around helping people, then there are narcissistic people who deep down don’t actually love themselves, they are very hurt, insecure, individuals who fill their needs and make themselves feel better by sucking the life out of others, destroying people along their way, not realising this continued pattern of behaviour isn’t a nice way to live, for themselves or those around them.
Most people have suffered from some form of trauma within their lives, although we are never responsible for our trauma, and not responsible for someone else behaviour. However, we are responsible for our recovery.
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, and there is those on the high end that are incredibly toxic and dangerous, those on the lower end that you might be able to manage your time around them and all those in between, not all narcissistic people cheat, all do lie, some manipulative people are not actually narcissists, they don’t destroy others to succeed, some successful people are, some are not.
There are many types of narcissists out there, and once you open up to others, you’ll notice just how similar they are in their treatment of others.
A narcissist is a con artist, and they will sell you a dream and deliver a living nightmare.
Here are some of the more common signs of how narcissists behave if you think you have or you are dealing with one.
- NO RESPECT, as part of the disorder, is A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT. They believe they have a right to anything and everything they want. What’s yours is mine and what’s mines my own attitude. Rules do not apply to them, yet to the narcissist, those rules will apply to those around them, they believe they are above all others, and some will manipulate authorities and courts, as they think they’re special, they believe they’re allowed to do as they please and all others should bow down to them.
- They control others, another trait of the disorder is ARROGANCE AND DOMINANCE. They are proud of who they are. Some will be obvious in showing it, and some will hide it away.or they use others. Controlling behaviour can be a sign in general, you can also have people who are a perfectionist so come across controlling, they’ll not be manipulative with it. Or people who are highly insecure and they are not narcissistic they just need extra certainty within their lives to feel safe. A person on the narcissistic personality disorder will try to control everything and everyone, from how others see them and you, to how you see others, they will act controlling in any given situation, and they will use tactics like, intimidating behaviour, threatening behaviour, pity plays, silent treatments, they can be plain old vindictive and nasty. They don’t care for what impact their behaviour has on others, only that they have control, they take the power of controlling behaviour to extremes. Overts can be very direct, and converts can be more subtle. Remember you can not control how they act or what they do, you can control how you deal with it and how you respond, the best response is no contact with most narcissists, this is not always possible so limited communication and keeps your focus on you.
- Manipulation. Another trait of the disorder is, they EXPLOIT people. Whatever they do is only to ever to meet a need of their own. They seem to be the masters of manipulation, especially when we are unaware of what they are, what games they are playing, or what they are capable off, they are highly skilled at turning any disagreements into a massive argument, taking Conversations off the original topic, making other blame themselves for their own bad behaviour, they gaslight others into self-doubt and self-blame. They can be extremely convincing and charming, anyone who goes against them will find themselves in the midst of a mass smear campaign and being outcast as people take the narcissists side. They control others and make decisions for others through guilt and blame, to meet a need of their own. Knowing your own reality, writing key things down, letting go of those who don’t support you, being alone and being lonely are two very different things. You can be with a narcissistic and feel so alone, and you can be on your own and not feel Lonely.
- KNOW IT ALL. Another trait of the disorder is GRANDIOSE. If they show it or not, they believe they are superior to all others. They think they already know everything, and it’s their way and their way only, they are not interested in others perspectives, points of views or opinions as they believe within themselves that they already know everything.
- Never accountable. They will never be wrong, and if they are, it’ll always be someone else’s fault, they will always find someone else to blame for anything that’s wrong within their life, or any mistakes they have made. Everyone makes mistakes and gets things wrong, we are human it’s how we learn, even from the basics of learning to walk, talk and eat, it’s rarely for any child just to open their mouth and talk perfectly straight away, and we do all talk differently, most people lose this natural thought process that we don’t always get it right the first time, narcissistic people fear being seen as anything other than perfect, the fear failure or making mistakes and they fear the judgment from others, no one likes being pulled up on what they’ve done wrong, so most people avoid doing hurtful things, there is no wrong way or right way to live our life, so long as our intentions are good, however, with a narcissist, they will never ever admit to being wrong, they will not accept responsibility unless it meets a need of their own, then they will downplay it, or shift the blame onto others, they project all their faults onto others as they never look at themselves or issues they cause, to them nothing is ever their fault. They don’t learn from mistakes of their own actions, and instead, they just hit repeat time and time again. They react exceptionally badly if challenged or questioned which most people can at times, narcissistic people react all the time badly when they have been exposed for wrongdoing, or even feel criticism in any way, how do they react badly, they will do one of the following, they either fight, temper tantrum, raise their voices, denial, blame-shift, pity plays, make excuses, or flight, walk straight out of the door, silent treatment, sulking.
- A False mask. Another trait of the disorder is JEALOUSY AND ENVY. They are never truly happy and always want more. Some say they have a false mask, one face to cover the other face, in my opinion, they are who they are, they have both faces, the admiration face at the beginning which is them as it’s all manipulation and lies, they play nice to meet a need of their own, or to let you know you owe them further down the line, they are not helpful or kind because they care, they do this to use and manipulate people. Then the envy face when things don’t go their own way, where they seek to break people down. Or destroy those who’ve escaped them. Some are too lazy to seek revenge, most, however, do the smear campaign. Good people can wear a mask in public for fear of being miss-understood or disliked, that’s part of who they are it’s not to manipulate, its to fit in, whatever face the narcissist has on it is all about manipulation.
- They idolise, devalue, discard and hoover. this goes into their two faces, as another trait is, A LACK IN EMPATHY, they can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes. While they want to win you over the will do all the can to be admired, if they feel like Control is slipping they’ll devalue you until you give in and do exactly what they want at that moment. This changes week to week, and they discard when they believe you’re no longer meeting their needs. When they feel envious, they try to destroy people.
- Word salad. They can rationalise anything, as another trait is A BELIEF THEY ARE SPECIAL. They believe all others are inferior to them and they will do their utmost convince others they are correct, distorting others reality, they use pathological lying and manipulation, from the gaslighting, provoking and blame-shifting. A narcissist will try to get others to doubt themselves telling them they’re insecure or that something never happened, some will admit but find a way for it to be someone else’s or your fault for why they did something, in such a way people often believe them. Anything that doesn’t feel right to you most often isn’t trust within yourself.
- Constant lies or exaggeration, as part of the disorder, is PREOCCUPIED WITH POWER AND SUCCESS. Those who are successful will brag, those who are not will blame others. There are the different types of narcissistic people, the classic narcissist, those who are successful and boast, exaggerate at just how incredible they are, as those around them often agree they can get away with this. Then the vulnerable, covert narcissist, those not as successful that will blame life and others for mistreating them, how life is so unfair and how others always get everything and just how badly they’ve been treated, and those in between that will do both. Those who work hard and are successful want praise. Those who are lazy want pity, in the narcissist’s reality they are the hero or the victim, yet never the villain. They lie about things they’ve achieved. Or exaggerate things they’ve achieved. They lie about ex’s, lies about lies. They lie about family, lies about mistakes. Lie to cover lies; in fact, some lie so much they believe their own lies. Now good people can have bad things happen and fall. Good people can get caught up in a white lie. They will not lie about everything.
- DESTRUCTIVE. They will ruin a special occasion, as another trait of the disorder is REQUIRES EXCESSIVE ATTENTION. They need to be admired by others, through love or fear, anything that isn’t all about them, they will pull out all the stops to ruin, from birthdays to Christmas, weddings to funerals, if it is their birthday they’ll find a way you didn’t get something right, someone else’s they’ll find a way to ruin, they will provoke to get you in a bad mood, bring up things that happened years ago, bring the attention onto them for someone they’ve lost and offer little to no sympathy, in the beginning, they’ll pull out all the stops to show you they care, once hooked this will stop. They have extremely low to no empathy and do not care for how others feel People who don’t support you through the good and the bad are not the people for you.
- Drama. As a narcissist likes attention, a trait of the disorder is REQUIRES EXCESSIVE ATTENTION, and they don’t mind how they get that attention. Where they go drama follows. Whatever they are doing drama seems to follow as they EXPLOIT others. The narcissist might be gossiping and smearing people’s names, and they always seem to be holding a grudge against someone, how someone has wronged them. They are often playing people off against each other, provoking people, causing others to argue, lying, cheating, always seeking some form of drama. Narcissistic people have high levels of mood swings. They can have intense highs and intense lows, and good people can have mood swings, life gets hard, situations happen. Environmental factors like the narcissist you’re dealing with can cause you massive highs and lows, yet most people feel pain and try to avoid it, narcissistic people thrive from drama and negativity in those around them, to make themselves feel better. Those around them end up walking on eggshells to avoid the negativity and drama. Trying to please them and not set them off, as a narcissist doesn’t know what they truly want, they are a ticking time bomb and can go without you even knowing what happened.
The narcissist is stuck with a disorder, they are not interested in changing as they don’t see fault within themselves, they will continue this pattern throughout life, often getting worse with age, it did not start with you, and it will not end with you. Whatever they do to you, it’s not about you, and it’s all about them, they want you to believe your the problem to change who you are and help them, most will straight out say to you. ” it is not all about you.” because they believe it’s all about them and their needs been met, they do not care for others, they only care for themselves, you can not help them, you can help you by walking free. It is about you, your happiness your life, you choose to help others, they choose to destroy others, Whoever the narcissist is or was in your life, learn your own reality and your own truths, you do not need negative, toxic people who bring you down, life’s hard enough, surround yourself with positive, supportive uplifting people.
Join me on social media.
Click the link below for the full online course to help you understand and overcome narcissistic abuse, with a link inside to free access for the hidden online support group, with daily advice and support from me, alongside other survivors doing the course.
Free online starter course for help with overcoming narcissistic abuse.
Help with Overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety online course.
All about the narcissist Online course.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting, understanding how narcissists work, help with recovery and helping the children through.
For 1-2-1 Coaching with me, email @ email@example.com
Finding the right support for you.
Video on what narcissist abuse does to you.
Lack of empathy.
Jealousy and envy.