The Narcissist’s Blame Shifting.

With a narcissists sense of entitlement, they believe they are special. Therefore they’ll not accept responsibility for their own behaviour. They don’t think rules apply to them. However, they believe they apply to you. Consequently, they’re always looking for someone else to blame for their behaviour, or whatever in their life isn’t going their way, rarely to never admitting fault for the drama, or the pain they cause those around them. As many narcissist lack self-awareness, no matter how much we try to help or explain to them, they’ll not accept responsibility, they’ll just find someone else to blame.

They do this by.

Projection.

The narcissist’s defence mechanism, taking their unwanted, traits, behaviours or emotions and passing them onto someone else.

Baiting.

Setting the environment to cause people to react so the narcissist can blame people for their reactions to escape responsibility for the things they do.

Gaslighting.

Distorting someone’s reality into losing their sanity, so you doubt who you are or what you’ve done, and give the benefit of the doubt to the very person causing you those doubts.

Triangulation.

Finding a third party to blame where the narcissist will use others to get you to give in to the narcissist’s demands or isolate you from any support network. Through making lies up and informing one of something another said. To divide and conquer. To dominate all others. They create competition between others. They will even play their own children off against each other.

Finding a scapegoat.

A person who is usually is strong-willed who the narcissist struggles to control, so shames and blames the scapegoat for everything.

Manipulation.

The action of unscrupulously controlling others for their own advantage, unfairly and dishonesty.

Blame shifting, switching the crazy-making onto the innocent target. When anyone confronts them or tries to set boundaries, the narcissist will change the whole focus onto the other person. So the narcissist can escape accountability and not take responsibility for their actions. Putting all the attention and blame onto the innocent party.

Narcissist do this with ease as they lack the empathy to care, they believe they are always right and are oblivious to how their behaviour affects others, only how peoples reactions might affect the narcissist, they refuse to listen to others, refuse to admit fault, and to the narcissist any pain you’re in is your doing, any pain the narcissist is in will also be your doing.

They make others feel guilt by blaming those around them so that the narcissist can remain in control. They exploit peoples feelings to punish people, to bring out the worst in people, to take advantage of people for their own gain.

When a narcissist feels.

  • Threatened
  • Shamed.
  • Rejection.
  • Embarrassment.
  • Exposure.
  • Disrespect.
  • Neglect.
  • Humiliated.

Real or perceived, and as they don’t see themselves as the problem, if they embarrass themselves, they then have to abuse others by.

  • Physical.
  • Financial.
  • Psychological.
  • Emotional.
  • Spiritual.
  • Sexual.

Then they gaslight those they abuse into blaming themselves. At the same time, the narcissist plays the victim, to feel better about themselves, the more we chase them, the more we try to help them, the more we work harder to please them, the more they believe it’s our fault, if we walk away they believe it’s our fault, there is no way to help a narcissist as they’re unwilling to help themselves. The only thing we can do is allow ourselves and walk away.

The most common phrases.

1.” It’s your fault.” No, it’s not your fault, Whatever they’ve been caught out on, whatever proof you have they will always, Twist it straight back onto you.

Stay in your reality, recognising they’re not going to give you the truth. They’ll just lie, deny and blame someone else.

2. “What do you want me to do about it.” They’re blaming no one, but to them, they’re not responsible so, you are the one who needs to sort it out.

Do what you can to help you and leave them to it.

3.” Deal with it.” They believe they are entitled to do as they please, it’s up to you to get on with it.

All you can do is do things you can do to help you, and leave them to deal with their own problems. Some great people will help you and will appreciate help from you, any relationship in life is helping each other through life’s dramas, those you continue to put you in the drama, leave them to be who they want to be, and you go and be who you want to be.

4. You’re overreacting.” Actually no you’re not, and no you haven’t. They again just want to shift attention off themselves, and onto you.

If that’s how you feel about something, it’s how you feel if people are not willing to listen and support you, as you would them, those people are not the ones to go to.

5.” That didn’t happen.” Yes, most likely it did happen, they just enjoy rewriting history and watching you doubt yourself more. To them, it might not have happened, why they say it with such truths. Deep down your instincts know it did happen, yet with all the gaslighting, we often end up questioning ourselves.

Keeping diary’s on key things is always a wise idea if you can not go No contact.

6. “That wasn’t my fault.” It most likely was totally their fault, but remember, they can not be accountable, and they will not be held responsible for things that go wrong.

You are not responsible for their actions, what they do is down to them. You are only ever responsible for your own actions.

7. “If you hadn’t, then I wouldn’t.” They probably got you so down, so you reacted, then they blamed you. Again all to mess with your mind.

Know the full story of their actions and yours.

8. “Why do you have to spoil everything.”You didn’t actually cause a problem, they probably did something to get a reaction from you, narcissists are rather negative people and spread that negativity around, they are also Jealous And Envious people, so if something isn’t about them, they will find a way to make it about them, all you can do in this situation is know your own truth and leave them to theirs.

9. “You make everything so difficult” that’s usually when you’ve worked out what they are. You’re no longer reacting, you’re only responding. Now they are struggling to get any positive or negative attention from you.

10. “That’s just like you.” When you’ve found your boundaries, and you’re sticking to them. This is great, yes you know your worth if they can not break down a boundary of yours brilliant you’ve come so far in taking control back of your life.

11.“You’re selfish.” Again no, you are not. Stick to your own boundaries, the only people who don’t like your boundaries are those who benefit from you having none.

12. “You need help. You need a mental evaluation.” No, you just need to get away from the narcissist, heal and recover.

How to handle. 

It’s so easy to react and want to defend ourselves; it’s incredibly easy to overlook their toxic behaviour, make excuses for their toxic behaviour, especially when we are the ones left saying ”They’re not that bad.” ”It doesn’t happen often.” ”It was my fault because.” ”They are my parents.” ”It’s my best friend I grew up with them.” ”who would employ me.” ”What about the children.” and theses are often limiting beliefs that keep us locked in a relationship we shouldn’t be in. These are lies the narcissist fed us when we have to say ”It doesn’t happen often.” it shouldn’t happen at all.

We have to remember they have a disorder. The more we react, the more we give them attention, the more we give in to their demands, the more control they have over our minds, and the more it reinforces to the narcissist that they are superior, they are entitled to treat us how they want, and they are in control.

We can retreat, we can rethink and become more mindful of seeing their games for what they are, and then only respond if we need to do so.

Do not take what they say or do personally, their opinions of you are not for you.

Blame shifting.

Outsmart a narcissist.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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