Narcissists idealise their life with you in many manipulative covert ways, so we don’t recognise the games they play.
Idealisation is the narcissist act of representing themselves as perfect and better than reality, representing their life or how our life would be with them, how our life is with them better than it actually is through many gaslighting methods, from love-bombing, mirroring, future faking and false apologies. To deceive others into not knowing who the narcissist truly is.
The narcissist’s idealisation is their defence mechanism. It helps them manage their shame, their insecurities and their fear. Narcissists will attribute overly optimistic qualities of the future to another person.
Love-bombing.
The narcissist’s often force quick involvement through their love bombing. The intensity of this means we often mistake it as a genuine connection and understanding of each other, believing they get us better than anyone ever has, opening our attachment system as we become emotionally and chemically addicted to them.
The narcissists love bombing can easily be mistaken for the excitement of the honeymoon period of any new relationship. We mistake Their excessive flattery as compliments, their generous giving of gifts as kindness, their manipulative words of affirmation as communication, not realising it’s all a game to them, a game they played with the ex, their family, their friends, games they played with us and games they’ll play with the new, as we just don’t think how they do, so we believe they are coming from the same place we are, as we don’t think like them, it takes a lot of time trying to understand and accept who they genuinely are as a person and lose the illusion of who they sold themselves to be in the idealisation or re-idealisation stages of the relationship.
Mirroring.
Narcissists mirror all our likes and dislike, our dreams and our hobbies, and they sell us the illusion that they want the same things as us, that they enjoy all we enjoy, and they don’t enjoy the things we don’t, it seems to good to be true, as we don’t realise it is too good to be true.
When a narcissist mirrors, it’s done on a conscious level as they study us to purposefully reflect back what we would like to hear, often accompanied by Future Faking. Some will stalk our social media. Others will ask friends and family about us. They are literally gathering data. As a narcissist lacks in their own authentic personality, they are selling us ours. They want to build our hopes and dreams up, which creates the Trauma Bond.
Future faking.
The narcissist future faking is where the narcissist will create an ideal of the future, often using our dreams against us and making out they want these things also. Narcissist’s use the future to get their needs met in the present by getting us to focus on the future promise that they will not deliver to gaslight us by selling us an illusion of something that was never meant to be.
Future faking is to hide things from us to distract us from the reality of what’s truly happening. They will promise something, and then when they don’t deliver on that promise, if we question them about it, it’ll be a case of. ” I’m sorry if only you.” to blame you for things that you possibly didn’t even do. Future faking is to sell you that hope that if only you did something, they would do something for you, to make you feel gratitude, so if they promise you something, then don’t deliver. If asked them if they will come up with something they have done, or they will gaslight you into believing they did something they didn’t. They will say. ”what about when I.”
Devalue.
Narcissists devalue those around them when they become envious of them of fear losing them. Narcissist’s place their inner shame into those around them. They devalue people into believing they aren’t worthy of the narcissist through projection, silent treatments, blame-shifting, gaslighting, triangulation, intimidation, invalidation. So we underestimate our worth and believe we don’t deserve any better.
Intermittent reinforcements.
A narcissist will offer intermittent stages of re-idealisation. They breadcrumb us throughout the relationship to give us the hope that if we just trust them a little bit longer, all will be ok. However, it never is ok, as they lied about who they are, and they lie to cover up those lies, so we can not see through their lies to get to our reality. We become grateful for those crumbs of help, grateful they still want us after they devalued us.
From the love bombing to the devaluation, we are left in a state of not knowing one reality to the next, they create the ideal, to then blame us for everything that goes wrong, as we hold ourselves accountable for our behaviour, with their gaslighting, we question our thoughts, feelings, opinions and behaviour and not the narcissists.
Due to the narcissists idealisation, blame-shifting, projection and gaslighting, we doubt and question who we are as a person and not the narcissist who’s causing those same doubts within our minds.
If the relationship were healthy, the narcissist would be supportive of you. They wouldn’t belittle you.
If the relationship were healthy, it would be give and take. It wouldn’t be them being there for you when they need you and you being there for them when they need you. Then they disappear on you when you need them.
If the relationship were healthy, you would want to bring out the best in each other when someone is committed to baiting you into bringing out the worst in you. They’re trying to cover up the things they actually do and the true intentions behind their behaviour.
If the relationship were healthy, you’d feel safe.
Idealisation.
The Narcissists Distraction.
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The narcissists counter-parenting.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
