The Narcissists Silent Treatment.

“A narcissist’s silent treatment isn’t because you hurt their feelings. It’s manipulation to cause you psychological pain so they can further their control over you.”

The silent treatment is another form of psychological manipulation the narcissist uses against others. It is another form of emotional abuse to keep power and control over you, to avoid taking accountability for something they have done, avoid responsibility for their own actions. To maintain their dominance over you. It’s used to punish you for something you have or haven’t done. They believe you are beneath them, and they want to do it, so you conform to their demands.

The silent treatment can last for hours, days, weeks or months. Some people do this because they are genuinely hurt and unable to speak. When they do feel able to talk, it’ll be a two-way conversation. A narcissist uses the silent treatment to punish you. They want you to conform, and there is no give and take.

The silent treatment makes us feel invalidated, powerless, invisible, confused, intimidated, guilty, angry, frustrated, hurt, lonely, depressed, anxious and insignificant.

What silent treatment does to us?

1. The silent treatment hurts the brain, as it triggers pain pathways. Emotions triggered by the silent treatment engages the same part of the brain as physical pain does. The silent treatment hurts. Psychological, emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. If you try to remember the pain when you broke a bone or burnt yourself, any physical pain you have suffered, you know it hurt at that time. Yet, you can not remember the pain, thinking about memories of emotional distress, it hurts until we heal it, and that takes time and work from us, when we connect our emotions to a memory, whenever we think of that memory, it brings us back to whatever feeling we felt at that time.

Sometimes we have to change the meaning to memory, so the memory no longer has a hold over our feelings.

2. We love company, and we are designed to communicate with others. They know how cutting you off hurts deep, as one, of many narcissist’s worst fears is to be ignored, why many want you to chase them when they fall silent on you, however, we should respect their boundary of silence and leave them until they’re willing to communicate with us, yet this can criticise the narcissists need for excessive attention, why you can not win with a narcissist, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

3. It damages our brain. Your short term memory and decision making skills are lowered as it temporarily shrinks your hippocampus, the part of the brain that houses our thought process and grows our amygdala, the part that houses our emotions. With long term abuse, these might stay shrunk and enlarged. Until you get out and start working on yourself, these can be healed.

4. We want to belong, so it hurts, especially when those who are supposed to love and care no longer wish to know Or speak to us.

5. We blame ourselves and look for reasons for what we have done to cause it, blame ourselves and apologise. Make excuses for their behaviour.

The worst thing about excuses is within our minds. They are extremely valid.

6. We can become angry and aggressive, so they do it so when we then act out in anger, they blame us for the problems, with their projection and blame-Shifting.

7. We become addicted, as they can play nice when you up your game to help them, they might reward, reinforcing in your mind it was your fault, so you try harder to please them, for them to bring you down again, you end up continually seeking how to gain their approval, walking on eggshells around the narcissist, to avoid the silent treatment, slowly losing who you are, while they gain further power and control over you.

8. We reach out to them as it hurts our emotions, the mental pain is draining on us, and we want it to end. The narcissist takes this as winning, and they can keep it up for as long as they please as they don’t have that emotional intelligence.

The three types of silent treatment a narcissist will use.

The present silent treatment. Where they stick around and ignore you, or stop including you. This is used, so you become hurt, confused, angry and upset that they are ignoring you, insecure that they are not including you. To get an emotional reaction from you to them.

The absent silent treatment. Where they just disappear on you, but you can still message and call them, they might not reply. This is used, so you become fearful, confused, upset, concerned and worried about them and your relationship.

The ghosting. This is where they vanish entirely, their phones are off, or you are blocked, social media shut down, or you’re blocked. No way of contacting them at all. This is usually if they are with a new target, but not always. This is used so you do all you can to get answers and closure. You might reach out to their friends and family. This can help with their smear campaigns against you.

The reason they feel a need to use it.

1. You’ve refused to break down one of your boundaries.

2. You’ve criticised them in some way, most often unintentionally.

3. You’ve not done something or refused to do something for them.

4. When you’ve confronted them over something they don’t want to accept responsibility for.

5. You are no longer filling their needs.

6. They’ve drained you, you need help and support, and you can no longer help them.

They go into silent treatment to break down your boundaries, to get control of you and get you to conform to their demands, to get you to beg, plead, apologise and chase them, to react so they can blame us, to confuse us, so they keep power over us.

We then chase them as we want to end the pain, end the silent treatment, not realising we are giving them what they want. They want you to feel beneath them and work hard to please them.

Remember, they don’t think how we do. They are not looking for compromise. They are looking dominance and control. They are seeking that apology to confirm in their minds they are wrong. They are right. With the attention you give them, they believe they are important.

They don’t have the emotions, and they lack the empathy to care for your thoughts, feelings, fears or tears.

What you can you do?

1. Remember, You don’t need their approval or validation. It’s helpful for others to Validate you. You don’t need it. Your value comes from within. Genuine people will value and respect you.

2. Observers don’t absorb. Recognise it, see what they are doing, don’t look inwards for answers, see this is their problem, that they only do to hurt you.

3. If they want to be silent, they are entitled to be silent. You are allowed to respect their boundary and leave them to it, remember you’re not the problem, look for what they are trying to achieve in doing this, what they want or need from you and don’t give it to them.

4. Focus on yourself, turn inwards and find things you love, lift yourself up, find genuine people to connect with, most importantly, connect within yourself. Think about what you need. No, you don’t need them to help you. They are the ones who are hurting you, exercise, meditate, yoga, go for a walk, watch an uplifting movie, read a good book.

5. Do not get in touch, do not call or message, focus on yourself and doing things you love.

6. Do not let them know it’s bothering you.

7. Remember, if the silent treatment hasn’t worked, they might up their game. Observe their patterns of behaviour, don’t absorb.

8. Remember they have insecurities, shame and fears, instead of dealing with those within themselves, they want to project or provoke you to pass those feelings onto you, you can not help as they don’t see a problem within themselves, you can, however, help you, instead of putting your time energy and effort into them, put it into you.

9. Don’t go to them for answers, and they will not tell you what you want to hear. You are just adding fuel to the fire, and they want you to do this. They’ll wait until you find a reason for what you did wrong. Give yourself the answer, and this is who they are. They are unwilling and unable to change. However, you can leave them be, become wiser and stronger and learn what behaviours you’ll no longer accept for others.

10. Become at peace within yourself. Don’t let others take you down; remove negative people from your life. Saying no to someone over something you don’t like is a significant deal-breaker.

11. no contact or grey rock.

12. Do all the things you love to do.

Remember, you are worth so much more than living with these kinds of people in your life. They can try to play games with you if you stop playing and start focusing on yourself. They will find someone else to play with.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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How they control conversations.

It’s Time To Start Putting Yourself First After Narcissistic Abuse.

A big struggle for genuine, honest, kind, generous people is learning how to put themselves first, that you need to be your own top priority.

This can be extremely difficult, especially if you were raised with narcissistic parents, with your own perceptions of how you should treat people, believing and wanting to see the good in all others. Accepting that some people make mistakes, society telling us we should put others first. After going through the hell of a toxic relationship with a narcissist, if that was your parent, partner, friend, child, or work colleagues. It can be difficult to start putting your own needs first.

Those who haven’t been through a toxic relationship themselves really do not understand how difficult it is to move on and start prioritising yourself without feeling bad or guilty for doing so. Limiting beliefs within your own mind can hold you back in recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Leaving your horrendous past behind, living in the Present-day and planning a happier, more positive future is a must after an abusive relationship.

Now is the time to work on removing those limiting beliefs and start putting yourself first.

Four limiting beliefs.

1. I should put others first.

So long as your intentions are good, there is no wrong way or right way to live your own life to suit your individual needs. Most of us get taught from a very early age to take it in turns, to be polite. This is good, you can have a respectful yes, and you can have a polite no thank you. You can share your things with those who share with you. Those who do not, then you should not. The life balance of give and take.

In adulthood, these beliefs are extremely dangerous in a narcissistic person’s hands, as they will take advantage of anyone they can. When you continue to put others needs before your own, you will only ever lose yourself, as most of us have found out the hard way. You are allowed to share with those who share back, and you’re allowed to leave those who are unable to share.

2. But I always help others.

There is nothing wrong with helping and being there to support others in times of need. Especially those who help you. Sometimes you might need to take time out to help yourself first, so you can be at your best in helping others. You’re allowed to get help from those willing to help you.

Those who continue to abuse your kindness are unable and unwilling to support you when you need it. Those who are only ever there for you when they need you, even though you support them, give to them and forgive them. Those people you need to stop helping and start helping yourself instead.

3. People will not like me.

This is a dangerous limiting belief as you then become a people pleaser in order to be liked, losing who you indeed are to those who take advantage of your kindness, being fearful of saying no or setting boundaries in case someone doesn’t like you. That’s exactly why you need to do this—those who do not like you are not for you. Real friends, genuine people will love you for who you are and will respect your boundaries even if they disagree, just like you respect others boundaries and still like them when you disagree with them. People will most likely respect you more.

4. I’m not good enough.

While you’re in the mindset of telling yourself you’re not good enough, you’ll believe you’re not. Most likely toxic people planted that thought in your mind then helped you grow it. Now write down who’s made you think like that, write they are wrong and write that you are good enough and good people will agree.

Those who are envious of you try to destroy you. They try to sabotage you due to their feelings of envy. They seek to make you not feel enough to feel better about themselves.

When people try to bring you down, don’t go with them, remind yourself you are enough, you are worthy, you are kind. If they can not respect and support you, they’re not for you.

All these beliefs you can change, and you need to change. You need to believe you are good enough and start putting yourself, your loves, your likes and your happiness first. You are then giving your best to others. It will take practice to reprogram your mind, baby steps, just like a baby learning how to walk, they make a couple of steps forward then go back to crawling. Yet, they get up and go again, they might wobble, they might fall, yet they get up and go again until they get it, human nature that somewhere gets lost. When we fail, it’s our first attempt at learning, then we get back up and go again until we succeed.

Remember, you’re not doing it to become selfish. You’re doing it to become self-aware.

Keep working on “who am I.” Keep throwing out those negative self-doubt thought and keep replacing them with positive I can thoughts. Keep working on you no’s your beliefs, putting yourself first and creating a new happier life for you.

Limiting beliefs.

Boundaries.

The selfish narcissist.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Rollercoaster Ride Of Recovery.

Glossary Of The Words Used to Understand The Crazy Making Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Understanding the terminology to explain the narcissistic personality disorder.

Terminology relating to the narcissist personality disorder has been developed by psychologists and therapists as well as survivors of the abuse, seeking an understanding of what they have been through. This is an overview of most of the terms.

Narcissist characteristics the meaning, they might not show them all at the same time.

1. Arrogant and haughty behaviour. They are unpleasantly proud of who they are. Some will be obvious in showing it Overt v’s Covert those who will hide it away

2. A sense of entitlement. They believe they have a right to anything and everything they want. What’s yours is mine, and what’s mines my own attitude.

3. Exploitative. Whatever they do is only to ever to meet a need of their own.

4. Grandiose. If they show it or not, they believe they are superior to all others.

5. Jealous and Envy They are never pleased and always want more.

6. Lack of Empathy they can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes.

7. Preoccupied with power and/or success. Those who are victorious will brag. Those who are not will blame others.

8. Requires excessive attention. They need to be admired by others, through love or fear.

9. The belief they are special. They believe all others are inferior to them.

Meanings of words for the types of narcissists on the spectrum.

The three main types are.

1. Grandiose. Better than all others, will act and say they are.

2. Vulnerable. Can come across as kind and compassionate, like most narcissists can, yet will always play the victim and destroy those close to them.

3. Malignant. An extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial and psychopath, with paranoid traits.

The subtypes are

1. Covert. These narcissists keep their abuse more hidden. They can be shy and, to the outside world, appear kind.

2. Overt. These narcissists are most apparent, grandiose behaviour. They are arrogant, demanding and boastful. They have rage very close to the surface when they don’t get their own way. Ruthless in power and control.

3. Somatic. These narcissists usually rely upon their body’s and looks for gaining attention.

4. Cerebral. These narcissists typically rely on intelligence. Although not all are intelligent, some lie about that too.

Other words used for Narcissist types.

1. The narcissistic winner. Everything is a competition, and they want to win at all costs.

2. The sneaky narcissist, they always have the perfect sob story and play the victim very well to manipulate others into helping them.

3. They know it all, narcissists. They know anything and everything, yet they’ll never have facts to back things up.

4. The puppet master narcissist. They control and have the power of all those around them.

5. The antagonist narcissist. These will always have an enemy. They scream at other car drivers, are nasty to neighbours, rude to staff.

6. The status narcissist. These have social power, status and success.

7. The Royal narcissist. They believe they are entitled to the best of everything.

We have narcissist, narcissism, NPD and narcissistic and more that people use to describe the behaviour itself.

It is a Cluster B personality disorder. These included narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, histrionic personality disorders on the cluster B, often with those having one of the disorders also having characteristics of one of the other disorders.

We have the Victim or survivor. I prefer the term target as the Narcissist targets individuals to fill their own needs. Staying in Victim mode doesn’t help people recover. You are a survivor and now experienced in what love isn’t.

Meanings of what they do.

1. Baiting. Where the narcissist will intentionally make someone angry by saying or doing something to annoy or taunt them deliberately, to hook trap or entice someone, and getting someone to do what the narcissist wants them to do.

2. Blame shifting. Switching the crazy-making onto the innocent target. When anyone confronts the narcissist or tries to set boundaries, the narcissist will change the whole focus onto the innocent target. So they can escape accountability and not take responsibility for their actions. Putting all the attention and blame onto the target.

3. Boundaries, the narcissist will try to break down all the targets boundaries. The targets self-beliefs of things they will and will not accept, things they will And will not do. A narcissist will step over and stomp out each and everyone through their many manipulation methods.

4. Counter parenting. This is when they will use all they can against the healthy parent. They do not care for the damage they cause to the children’s minds so long as they destroy the other parent.

5. Devalue. Narcissists believe they are superior to all others. Devaluing friends, family and partners. This is when they slowly take the target apart because of their emotional level of awareness, not developing past toddlerhood. Their insecurities of unattainable perfection. They do not hesitate in putting others down through, expressing their disappointment in the target, rage, being hostile, belittling, being judgmental of the target, and abandonment of the target.

6. Discard. When the narcissist no longer sees the target as useful to them or desirable, so they throw them away, cast them to one side, usually in more mind-blowing hideous ways, just to cut the target open even more and leave them with more self-doubts.

7. Divide and conquer. To assert control over others. To create diversions among people, to dominate, and to isolate people, making it easier for the narcissist to manipulate people.

8. Enablers. Someone who doesn’t understand what the narcissist is or believes their believable pity plays at the time. Enablers are often unwittingly manipulated by the narcissist to think they truly understand them and can help them, often helping the narcissist destroys others without realising.

9. Future Faking. When the narcissist gives their targets false hope of a future, they’ll never deliver.

10. Flying Monkeys. From the film Wizard of Oz. These are enablers who help the narcissist by terrorising targets for the narcissist, and the narcissist manipulates others into doing the dirty work for them. They can be friends, partners, parents, siblings and children.

11. Gaslighting. This is an insidious form of psychological abuse where they sow seeds of self-doubt into others. Hence, the target loses their own reality, their sanity, their memories and their perceptions. The narcissist undermines the targets mental state. They lie and give false information by projection, blame-shifting, triangulation. Saying, “that never happened.” “I told you last week.” “You’re sensitive.” Or the “you’re crazy.” They brainwash their targets into believing the narcissist’s reality.

12. Hoover. Named after the hoover, as they try to suck people back in to spit them back out, they make those around them miserable, often driving others away eventually. If people pull away, they might try to hoover the target back in. They use lots of manipulative tactics to do this. The hoover is when they come to suck the target back in as they feel a need to use them again, to discard them all over again. If they have a new source of supply, they might leave them alone and focus on the new target. If the new target isn’t working out, most will hoover an old target

13. Idealisation / Love Bombing. The action of making something seemingly perfect or better than the actual reality. The narcissist will hook a target In by making them believe that they are perfect and all their dreams have come true. Followed by devaluation and discard.

14. Insincere Apology. As a narcissist is never accountable and believes they are always right. You’ll not get a real apology, only a false apology if the narcissist thinks it will meet a need of their own. To remove any shame they feel, things like. “I’m sorry if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.” ” I’m sorry, but you couldn’t handle the truth.” “I’m sorry you’re too sensitive to understand.”

15. Manipulation. The action of unscrupulously controlling others for their own advantage unfairly and dishonesty.

16. Mirroring, when they copy who you are, and reflect all your likes, dislikes, hobbies, hopes and dreams back to you.

17. Narcissistic injury. They’ve usually suffered some form of emotional trauma as a child, which stunted or stopped their development of emotions as they turned to fight mode.

18. Narcissist rage. If the narcissist feels criticism, isn’t getting things their own way, or feels entitled to something they are not getting, it hurts their inflated ego setting off wild and sometimes dangerous rage, far beyond healthy anger. It’s traumatising to the targets.

19. Narcissistic Smirk. When they form, for a second smirk over something, ordinary people wouldn’t, as they can not fully contain their delight in destroying others.

20. Narcissist Stare. This is something out of this world. Anyone who’s witnessed this knows how it can make you freeze on the spot. They seem soulless, and most narcissistic eyes turn a cold black.

21. Neglect. They ignore others needs for emotional, psychological or physical requirements, and they will not give others care or attention unless it meets a need of their own.

22. Projection. Pushing their own feelings, thoughts, actions, beliefs, opinions and traits onto someone else, the narcissist will blame others escaping accountability. They will accuse others of what they are actually doing. From “you’re a liar.” “You’re cheating.” “You’re insecure.”

23. Supply. Narcissist depends on others emotions to sustain their sense of identity, and they need a number of emotions from others, negative or positive. To regulate their self-esteem. Without supply, they are empty, and they will use friends, family, work colleagues. No one is exempt. If they can not get positive, they will seek to destroy and get negative. If their primary source pulls away, they might hoover them, hoover an ex, or explore a new supply.

24. Silent treatments. Another form of psychological manipulation, to make the target beg, plead, apologies and make up to the narcissist for things they didn’t even do, the present silent treatment in the home where you’re left walking on eggshells, or where they just disappear on you.

25. Smear campaigns. This is when the narcissist is losing control of the target’s mind. So try’s to discredit the target, destroying the targets reputation or character by smearing the targets name to manipulate others to side with the narcissist. They do this also out of envy. They are extremely calculated in trying to discredit those who see through their mask, and they will gossip. Lie, blame shift about the target, to children, parents, siblings, neighbours, work colleagues—anyone they can to isolate and destroy the target.

26. The Scapegoat. The child who usually is strong-willed with a mind of its own, the narcissist struggles to control, so blames the scapegoat for everything.

27. The lost child. The child who gets nothing, no negative, no positive, no love, no hate.

28. The mascot. The child who plays the jester role to escape becoming the scapegoat.

29. The golden child, usually sensitive and keen to please, so the narcissist can easily manipulate to make the child meet the narcissist’s high demands.

30. Triangulation. Where they use others to get the target to give in to the narcissist’s demands or isolate the target from any support network. Through making lies up and informing one of something another said. To divide and conquer. To dominate all others. They create competition better others. They will even play their own children off against each other.

31. Word Salad. . A mixture of words and phrases that lack any meaning to the original topic.

Meaning of words that people of this abuse can suffer from during and have to recover from afterwards.

1. Anxiety. An excessive, irrational feeling of worry, nervousness, unease.

2. CPTSD. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Due to suffering from a series of stressful, traumatic events.

3. Depression. An excessive amount of self-doubt, misery, sadness, woe and doom.

4. Fear. An excessive amount of being scared about the narcissist, what they might do, fear for yours and the children’s safety, fear and distrust in others.

5. Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. Humans four natural defence modes. Targets often fight back, run away, freeze on the spot or give in and fawn to the narcissist’s demands as they believe life would be easier this way.

6. Guilt. For not seeing it sooner, being unable to help, enabling the narcissist thinking it was helpful, for accepting behaviours that should have never accepted, for taking all the blame. Remove that guilt. At the time, your intentions were good. Please always remember that.

7. Hyper-vigilance. Always on guard for anything and everything that could go wrong.

8. Insomnia. Unable to sleep.

9. Intrusive thoughts. Things that happened in the past, things that could happen in the future, full of fear, worry and guilt.

10. Overactivity. Keeping busy to try and stop intrusive thoughts, but doing far too much.

11. Physical health. We can have so many health problems after being around these kinds of people.

12. Reactive Abuse. When we react to the narcissist’s provocation.

13. Self-isolation. No longer trusting others, so isolating themselves from all others for fear of being hurt.

14. Self-destructive behaviours. By not removing the guilt for things done that wasn’t understood at the time, self-sabotaging, the present as feeling unworthy.

15. Trauma Bonding. Believing in love and that the narcissist can be helped, trauma bonding is from being taken up so high to then be dropped so low, the body release chemicals, so it needs to be weaned off those drugs released by the body. It’s not love. It’s a drug addiction that the body needs to be weaned off.

Meaning of what that targets need to do to break free from the narcissist.

1. Boundaries. Your no needs to mean no, and you need to stick to your no. If something doesn’t suit you, it’s a no.

2. Grey Rock. If the target is unable to go no contact, everything is on a needs to know the business like Response only, as dull as possible. The narcissists don’t know anything about the target. With limited communication and limited contact, the target gives the narcissist no reaction.

3. No Contact. Just that no contact, the target completely removes them from any part of their life and never gets in touch again; this can include the narcissists, friends, family, flying monkeys, enablers.

4. No reaction. Never react to the narcissist’s games as that hands the targets power over to the narcissist.

5. Outsmart. Learning how to outsmart the narcissist’s manipulation games.

When awareness is out for all those going through this, all professions, there will be more understanding to help people reclaim reality, recover and move on. It’ll stop people from falling for this kind of abusive person again and, hopefully, one day stop people from getting involved in the first place.

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

On Facebook. 

On YouTube.

On Twitter.

On Instagram. 

On Pinterest. 

On LinkedIn.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors. 

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course. 

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers. 

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

 

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Eight characteristics Of A Covert Narcissist.

Phrases to disarm a narcissist.

The Nine Most Common Ways Narcissists Try To Control Conversations.

How narcissistic people manipulate conversations.

When you’ve had a narcissist within your life, you’ll know a conversation with one can leave you completely confused with no idea what just went on—utterly stunned that they had no clue what you were trying to say, and it ended up being about something you did. Or that you were talking to a brick wall, banging your head against a brick wall. That in reality, you’d have probably got more sense from a brick wall.

Conversations with a narcissist are crazy-making, often leaving you feeling like the Crazy one, you often end up questioning your own sanity, your own reality, blaming yourself for things that perhaps never even happened, narcissists are exhausting to be around or communicate with, and we are often left feeling extremely emotional and extremely drained. The thought of a conversation with a narcissist can be nerve-racking. Usually, when you decide to start one, you’re left wishing you’d never started the conversation, doubting your very own instincts and wondering what on earth just happened.

The problem is some of us are born into narcissism, even on the low end of the spectrum, so we don’t always truly learn what true love is then, as we grow and make friendships, get into a relationship, we accept their behaviour as normal, that we should have never accepted, making excuses, reasoning, and those excuses are valid within our minds. With all the manipulation of self-doubt they plant into our minds, it makes us all the more susceptible to further mental abuse. We trust the words and actions of others as we don’t go around manipulating others.

Narcissistic people don’t feel, think, act or do like we do. We give them our good qualities, and when they don’t respond like we would. Like genuine, caring, kind, empathetic people would, we become confused, hurt, disappointed, angry and with the narcissists carefully chosen words, blame ourselves and work harder to please them. At some point, the narcissist will then play nice, which then reinforces our self-doubt that it’s us that are at fault. Nothing you or anyone ever does deserves this kind of manipulation or abuse in any way, shape or form. They are the ones with the problem you were never to blame for their toxic, hurtful, negative behaviour or actions towards you.

These are examples of tactics they use for crazy-making conversations, so if you still need to communicate, you can recognise the manipulative game they are playing, not get drawn into it, and begin to see just how predictable they genuinely are.

Some are dangerous, so no contact is a must.

1. Interrupting you.

In the beginning, it might be all about you, and this is just another of their manipulation tactics to get to know your likes, your dislikes as they can Mirror you, learn about your insecurities so further down the line they can use all theses against you. After The Idealisation Stage stage, suddenly the conversations will be all about them; they just love to be the centre of attention and talk all about themselves. They will have no interest in holding a two-way conversation. If you try to get a word in and it contradicts or criticises the narcissist, they will ignore you, talk over you, raise their voice, or dismiss you, While people with ADHD and other mental health struggles can find conversations difficult and interrupt people. The narcissist will intentionally interrupt you to bring the conversation straight back onto all about them. They believe they are correct superior and believe in all that they say.

They feel like they are superior and have to remain in control. So they do this by dominating conversations. They have no interest in compromising, no care for other people’s thoughts, feelings or views. To them, it’s my way, or I’ll make it my way. They will monopolise most conversations. They will interrupt and bring it back onto them. They will discredit anything you do say and use it as evidence against you. They will take control, avoid talking about any genuine issues and avoid any accountability.

How to disarm, if they keep taking you off-topic, bring it straight back to the original point, observe if they blame shift, provoke, talk over you or rage. Stop the conversation when they do, never react, only respond, and you only need to respond once. If they don’t want to listen, they’ll not. You do not need to respond if they take you off-topic as they’ve not responded to the situation at hand.

2. The silent treatment.

This is one of the narcissists most common methods for emotional manipulation of those around them. When they feel criticism or they are losing power and control over you, most go for The Silent Treatment. They will do the present silent treatment for hours, days or weeks when you are in the home, so you’re Walking On Eggshells. They will do it when with friends on purpose entirely leaving you out of the conversation, or the disappearing act, where they up and leave for days or weeks, all to keep dominance and control over you they will demand a perfect apology for things you don’t even know you’re apologising for. They would do this if you didn’t accept their point of view, to avoid discussing important issues. To avoid taking or accepting any accountability for things they have done. To get you to do as they ask, and when you do, they’ll reinforce your self-doubts by playing nice with you again, just to bring you crashing down again.

The silent treatment is used against you, so you feel insignificant, Invalidated, insecure, vulnerable, unloved, to make you question and doubt yourself, they usually make it so you can not get hold of them with the disappearing act, or so you’re walking on eggshells for the present silent treatment.

How to disarm. There’s no better way to recover from narcissistic abuse than taking the first step of No Contact, and they use it to hurt you. You use it to heal yourself. Don’t try to reason with them, don’t try to work out what’s wrong, write down and focus on your reality, no longer beg, pled or apologise, just leave them be. They can not play if you’re not playing with them, they can not fight if you’re not fighting, and they can not control if they have lost the control of your mind.

3. The topic switch.

You could be happily discussing something, then you either don’t agree with their point of view, they feel criticised, or you’ve asked them about something they don’t want you to know about. So to gain control and win, as that’s what narcissists want to win and be in control. They’ll suddenly switch the conversation onto something else. Usually, something you’ve done wrong in their eyes, or something you haven’t done for them, or they will chip away at one of your insecurities. They spew out loads of word salad to Provoke you, confuse you, hurt and upset you. Suddenly you’re in defensive mode, and the original conversation had disappeared, then you get blamed for everything for defending yourself. Or you’re reduced to tears, and they’ll sit back almost looking pleased and watch you cry while still blaming it all on you.

How to disarm. Again observe what they do and what they switch it onto, bring it back to the original conversation, if they don’t want to, then leave them to word spew on themselves and take no part in the conversation.

4. Blame shifting.

Which they do with everything and anything. When you question them, or they feel criticism in some way. They, as above, change the conversation or interrupt you or silent treatment you. They will use any of your insecurities and any they’ve drilled into you against you, so you go into the defensive. They take your attention away from the original point, then when you react, they blame it all on you. They have to escape accountability, so their lousy behaviour disappears like magic, and you’re tricked into defending yourself and taking on all the blame.

How to disarm. Don’t play, Don’t question them. They’ll never give you an answer if they do. It’s a lie or somehow your fault, instead find the answers from within yourself. Remember, they don’t want compromise or your opinions. They want to win at all costs to you.

5. Projection.

Another they love to use on others is Projecting what they have done, think or feel onto you. The things they do and the things they say to one person when no one is watching is entirely different to when others are watching. If you listen to their character assassinations of others, this is actually, most often, the real truth of who they indeed are. They will discredit credible people, accuse people of cheating who are not cheating, accuse others of lying who are no liars, accuse people of being insecure who are trying to listen to their instincts, accuse people of being crazy who they actually drove that way, accuse people of keeping their children from them, when most of the time they don’t even pick up the children.

Narcissists do this when they are defensive, and they project all their faults onto others. They annihilate and destroy people. Genuine people try not to project, and genuine peoples comments resemble the truth of the other person. They are not outright lies.

How to disarm, if they are smearing your name, leave them to it, rise above, if they are doing it directly to you, observe those words, don’t take them on as your own, take them as a verbal confession of who they indeed are.

6. Turning up the volume.

When they overtalk you when they get angry and feel as though they are losing control of the conversation, they will turn up the volume. They do this to shock, confuse, intimated and basically bully you into submission. This is because when you feel intimated, your defence is weak. They are using more physiological warfare against you. This is when they lack intelligence over the conversation. So they have to talk louder and over you to dominate the conversation and take back control.

How to disarm. Stop talking. They are not interested in your point of view, and they want to scare you into taking on their opinions, turn your ears off. Go into your own mind and focus on your own opinions and thoughts.

7. Playing the victim.

When they’re not playing the hero, they will pity play into the role of the Victim. They will never be the villain. They do this to avoid accountability, to avoid responsibility and to avoid their actual abusive behaviours and cover them up. They know others are kind, caring and compassionate. They play on that to further their advantage over people, gain Flying Monkeys and control others opinions, all while hiding their true selves. If you’re upset over a broken promise, or something they have done, they will play victim and project something you haven’t or have done that hurt them more, how you don’t give them the empathy or sympathy, how you’re insecure or selfish. When in reality, it’s you that needs it, not them, yet you end you lowering your boundaries, feeling sorry for them, forgiving them. Whatever happens to you, they’ve always had worse happen to them.

How to disarm. Remember why the conversation started, stop listening to them and focus on the original discussion, the original problem, don’t look to them to emphasise or help. Look to yourself and what you need to do to stop the situation. Look to genuine people who will reassure and help you.

8. Gaslighting.

Their manipulation tactic to psychologically manipulate your mind, it’s an insidious form of abuse. They will purposefully not share information, they will rewrite history on you, either something that did happen they’ll tell you it never happened or something that didn’t happen they’ll let you know it did, then accuse you of “losing your mind.” Narcissists will claim what you saw you didn’t see, what you heard you didn’t hear, what you feel you don’t feel, what you think is wrong. This is used, so you doubt your own mind, question your reality, doubt your judgement and go to them for a reality check. They might even hide or rearrange your Belongings.

How to disarm. Always keep things via messages and email. If it’s in-person, keep a diary, take notes and go to those for your own reality check.

9. Triangulation.

When they talk about what someone else has done, to get you to break down your boundaries and do it for them, they will lie about what others have said about you to dived and conquer and get you isolated from all support.

How to disarm. Know your worth and your boundaries. Just because someone else would do something doesn’t matter. You are not them. Any lies try to get the third person and the narcissist together, then ask them about it.

Without awareness and education about narcissistic abuse, those who’ve accounted one will most often end up surrounded by them. They are like vultures to kind, caring, compassionate people who don’t understand it. Emotional abuse is devastating and takes down your personality, values, beliefs, hopes, dreams, friendships, heart, soul, spirit, financial and physical health. Without knowledge of what they do, we will spend our whole lives frustrated trying to help those who are incapable of change. Yet with the knowledge, awareness and understanding, you can, and you will, heal from this. With greater understanding, you’ll not get into deep next time. As soon as you say no and stick to your no, the narcissist will most often move onto an easier target. Why everyone needs to recognise this, so they can no longer bring others down. When we finally stand up the right way to those narcissists in our lives, their games will no longer affect us as we know what they are doing and why once professionals understand the terms of.

  1. Love bombing.
  2. Word Salad.
  3. Gaslighting.
  4. Blame-Shifting
  5. Projection.
  6. Devaluation.
  7. Discard.
  8. Triangulation.
  9. Divide and conquer.
  10. Enablers.
  11. False Apology.
  12. Flying Monkeys.
  13. Golden child.
  14. Scapegoat.
  15. Forgotten child.
  16. No Contact.
  17. Grey Rock.
  18. Hoover.
  19. Idealisation.
  20. Mascot.
  21. Narcissistic injury.
  22. Narcissistic supply.
  23. Narcissistic rage.
  24. Counter-parenting
  25. Smear Campaign.
  26. Silent Treatment.
  27. Isolation.

And why these things are connected and cause.

  1. CPTSD.
  2. PTSD.
  3. Anxiety.
  4. Depression.
  5. Trauma Bonding.
  6. Hypervigilance.
  7. Overactivity.
  8. Insomnia.
  9. Self-isolation.
  10. Fear.
  11. Self-destructive behaviours.
  12. Intrusive Thoughts.

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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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