The Narcissist And Triangulation.

How a narcissist manipulates through others.

Triangulation is another form of narcissists manipulation of those around them. This is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two or more people. They will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this, and they will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.

Narcissists do this to gain control of others, divide and conquer people, drive a wedge between people, gain supporters and flying monkeys for the narcissist by playing people off against each other.

Through triangulation, they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they Gaslight people into questioning themselves, shattering people’s self-worth. When narcissists triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening, and most of the time, neither party knows the truth.

A narcissist wants to:-

1. Create shame in people, which instils into others a belief that they are not worthy or good enough.

2. Create a competition of those around them by comparing people against each other, which instils a feeling of jealousy, competition, resentment in those around the narcissist and a sense of not being enough.

3. Create jealousy between those around them. The narcissist is insecure deep down underneath their Mask, and they are also extremely Envious and resentful of those around them. Some make this more evident than others.

4. Create absolute chaos between people, creating drama that instils stress and anxiety in those around them.

5. Create seeds of self-doubt in the minds of those around them.

6. Create an atmosphere in other friendships.

7. Create isolation, cutting people off from support networks and reality checks.

8. Create control of all others.

9. Create a feeling of guilt in others, so they conform to the narcissist’s demands.

10. Create confusion in those around them, which causes Cognitive Dissonance within the minds of those close to them, which causes people to become trapped within their own minds, believing they sound stupid or crazy.

11. Create conflict in those around them.

12. Create attention and reality checks going through the narcissist only.

How do they do this?

1. Killing two birds with one stone method.

They will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them or talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them. You then end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing your Boundaries and trying harder and harder to please them. So they can make you doubt your thoughts and feelings through gaslighting if you bring anything up, the narcissist will tell you. “You’re insecure.” Or “I was only joking.” When, in reality, your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention while they gain control of your mind, and you slowly lose control of your mind.

2. Recruiting reinforcement.

They will lie and Smear other people’s names, as well as yours. They will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions, becoming an Enabler and assisting the narcissist in bullying and destroying others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.

3. Splitting.

The narcissist will extract information from one, then gossip with another about it, they’ll even lie about what one person has said about another when you defend yourself to the narcissist, the narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what was supposed to have been said to them, they use this to control information shared between people, once they’ve fulled a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others, or fake concerns about you. Hence, people pity the narcissist, which then cuts you off and protects the narcissists’ false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim, and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.

4. Flirt and deny.

Another one to provoke the feelings of jealousy, insecurities and self-doubt in you, yet they’ll flirt in front of you then deny all knowledge.

5. Exclusion.

When out with friends, they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation. They’ll leave you out of jokes. They’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure. If you speak up, they’ll say things like “they need space.” Or “you’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself.

6. Extracting information then using it against you in front of others.

Again they will use gossip, lies and use private information. They will shame you in front of other people in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, and then they will deny this to you if you dare to ask them.

7. Devalue someone to you.

So the narcissist will tell you that someone you know gossips about you behind your back, that they are no good for you, or how bad it is someone did something you have done to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.

If you are going through triangulation, Grey Rock or No Contact them, only respond, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. If you get a chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” they informed me you’d said this about me, is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. If they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick to facts, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible, no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns, they cycle around, and it becomes easier to break free.

Who Do You Want To Be After Narcissist Abuse.

Ask yourself.

What is holding me back from becoming who I want to be?

No, the answer is not the narcissist in your life, that you’re not good enough, you are good enough, not your lack of money, or any other reason you come up with for holding back on facing your fears, you only think that’s your problem and believing it makes it more of a reality, facing the unknown, hitting those emotions, to process and heal, staying stuck where you are right now? How’s that working out for you?

Fear holds so many backs for so many reasons, one being fear of others seeing our failures. Those who get pleasure out of your mistakes are envious of your potential.

E.S

I know it’s hard, I get It is hard, but once you stop telling yourself, I can not, it’s too complicated, it’s too hard, and start telling yourself, I can, with simple steps, it will become easier, the best things in life will come when you step out of your comfort zone, feel what you need to feel and dive into a better you. Often we don’t realise through fear of stepping out of our comfort zone how uncomfortable our comfort zone has become.

I know it’s easier said than done, yet if you’re still in an abusive relationship, get out. No more excuses, just safely, and I mean safely, do not tell them, get out safely and get to safety. There are helplines for men and women to help you do this. Your safety is your first priority. If you then feel the need for restraining orders, do it, if they break them, call the authorities, train your mind to stop thinking about them, it takes time, it takes work, it takes practice, but when you do those things, you do get them out of your head. Help yourself, achieve a better life, don’t be afraid to get the help and the support you need, it is an incredibly brave and an incredibly hard thing to do, but it will be the best thing you ever do.

Once you are safely out and safely free, you do not have to hold yourself hostage to your past. Yes, you’re going to go on one hell of a journey. You’ll take steps forward. You’ll take some back. They’ll be running around your head. You’ll be going over the whole situation and putting reality back in. As you do this, the fog will be lifting. Yes, the narcissist will probably try game playing, which will leave you so drained at times. Yes, you have to break free from that trauma bond. Yes, you have to recover from PTSD. You will have so many things to overcome, no sugar coating that as you’ll either be feeling it soon if you’re about to get out, or you’ll be feeling it if you are out. This is normal if you left them or if they left you.

You have to mourn the loss of a person that they pretend to be and accept them for who they denied they were, and then you have to realise you are weaning yourself of powerful drugs, your own body released in all those highs and lows. During the relationship, you are not weaning yourself off a person.

So stop holding yourself hostage to your past. Show me someone who claims they’ve never made a mistake, and I’ll show you a narcissist.

Mistakes are good. They teach us so many things. Who you once were doesn’t shape who you are or who you are about to become.

Let go of the guilt; let go of that victim mindset. Let go of the survivor mindset, and we are all surviving every day. It’s not easy, yet you can do it.

Instead, ask yourself. What do I want? Who do I want to be? What do I enjoy? What makes me happy? Find them and do them but don’t stop finding more. We all have 24 hrs in a day, and if you see someone doing something you’d like to, focus on that, believe in that, you can do it too, then take steps to get that, even if you stumble. Along the way, who cares? Only you so learn the lesson and go again and again.

You’ve not been foolish in your past. You’ve just lived. You’ve not given control to others in your past. You just cared. You’ve not been mean in your past. You just reacted. You’ve learned how you don’t want to be treated, who you don’t want to be. Now is the time to treat yourself how you want to be treated, and only allow those in your life who respect you to treat you how you want to be treated. Now you are free. Now is the time to become who you want to be.

If you want to, if you choose to, you can get to a point where you hold no grudges against those who wronged you. You’ll have no resentment toward those who didn’t treat you well. You’ll understand that you didn’t know any different, and when they come at you trying to destroy you, it’ll no longer affect you, as you’ll know better than to react. Instead, you’ll take whatever action you need to take in a calm manner to protect your true self from negativity, and you’ll hope they can find the peace and happiness within themselves, far away from you, you will be full of inner joy.

You will know you never have to go through that again. If you in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, or older, you don’t need to fix your past. You are older and wiser. You have time starting today to create a happier, more self-fulfilling, happier future. Yes, you do. You just have to change your mindset then take steps to action what you genuinely want.

Everybody makes mistakes, and those mistakes you make, you made to help you become the person you’re going to be if you’ve made the same mistake, it’s time to change direction today.

Yes, some of those things are hideous, but you either hold onto them, hold on to the resentment and stay stuck in your horrible past, or you step out of that zone, as it’s not a comfortable zone. You step into another uncomfortable zone to release it all. Leave it on your past and move forward. Then step into happiness.

Some of you might be stuck in the woe is me, victim stage, and that’s ok. That stage hits most people, but what you’ve got to do, is release it and move past it for a better future.

Do not let your experience of a traumatic past eat you up. You’ll only fall further, do not let past traumatic events shape your future. Use them to help your future, to help others, to improve your life, to reclaim who you are. You’re inner strength and your inner happiness.

Find your own personality and work on it. Find your own gifts and work on those. We all have an inner strength, just find it any way we can and then develop it to better you.

Now is the time to work on you. You can get help. You can contact support. You can reach out. You can get advice from those who are going through it or who have been through it. It helps you understand how you feel, is healthy, and you are not alone, but then you have to act, you have to work on yourself, you have to fill yourself back up.

Never be afraid to honour who You indeed are. Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. ( not talking about narcissists here, with those who do all you can to keep yourself safe.) I’m talking about the true you. Don’t be afraid of who you indeed are.

We’ve all got the same story’s, just with slightly different details. It’s good to share these to help others not feel so alone. If you don’t want to share, then good for you, we are unique, and we are individuals. We handle the telling of what happened. Differently, some want to shout it from the rooftops, some close family, some write it down for personal read then destroy. However you feel you want to do it, let it all out, so your past no longer keeps you in your past, and you can move into your present, and your present is a great gift when you change your mindset and do it right. Do it the right way for you.

Stop finding excuses of why not, and start finding reasons of why to.

Be brutally honest and be completely honest with yourself. You deserve to become the happiest and best version of yourself,

Surround yourself with positive people, learn to change to a positive I can mindset, talk the great positive talk to yourself, then walk the walk to a much more successful Happier life.

Become your passion and always be compassionate, understand who you are, and understand those around you, believe in yourself, and believe in others who are genuine and who are kind.

When you find your dreams, you’ll wake up excited. When you find your passion, you’ll wake up excited. When you become happy, you’ll wake up excited, you will find the hrs you need in a day to do the things you love to do, you’ll no longer be bored, when you find your passion, then give to others, you will feel pride, always stay grounded, if you want to be a nurse, become a nurse, you help others, if you’re going to drive a bin lorry, drive a bin lorry you’ll help others. Work to live doing something you love, don’t live to work doing something you hate, dream as big as you want, aim as high as you want, it’s never too late to learn new skills, if you’re going to paint, then paint, one day it’ll inspire others.

Your dreams will not make sense to everybody, don’t listen to the naysayers; instead, believe in you, and go all out to achieve it for you. Only you can do it for yourself, and if you want it enough, you will find a way. No mistakes or setbacks will hold you back.

Breaking the trauma bond.

Keep going, and you’ve got this. Never give up on yourself.

Life is 10 % what happens to you and 90% what you do about it.

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.), where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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How people take your self-esteem and how to reclaim it.

Overcoming Guilt.

Detach your thoughts.

The Narcissist Discard.

The narcissist will idealise you. When you meet them, they are your soulmate, your perfect match in every way. They lift you so high all your dreams are coming true, they mirror you, like all that you do, they understand you, they dislike all your dislikes. Once you’re hooked, believing you’ve met the love of your life, and life couldn’t get better.

Then they devalue you. Slowly things change, sending you into a downward spiral of despair and confusion, you think you know something yet you don’t know what, constantly questioning what you’ve done wrong? What could you do better? How could you change to get that person you met back? Then they’re back to treating you right. They just flick a switch, and relationship problems are there again. They provoke you by psychological manipulation, mental abuse through gaslighting, provoke arguments, pity plays and silent treatments, then blame-shifting it all into you, leaving you confused, continually changing, walking on eggshells, afraid to speak out, Afraid to be your true self, afraid to leave. Full of insecurities, anxiety’s, heartache, shame, guilt and pain, constantly doubting them, you, reality, and what you can do better.

As they fill up your human needs for certainty, you’re in a relationship, uncertainty as you never know where you stand with them. Love and connection, growth and contribution as you are always changing to meet their needs, always connected in your mind to them sometimes positive and sometimes negative, significance in a positive way when you’re helping them. Negative when they make you feel so insignificant. You become addicted to them, and it’s no longer the love you feel. It’s trauma bonding and addiction. Although the love-bombing phase was an illusion and lies created by the narcissist, you lived it, you experienced it, and your inner critic cannot help but think it was something you did. You did nothing, and no one deserves abuse, mental or physical.

Narcissists will give intermittent rest bites from the devaluation, as they are using you, either because you’re trying your best to please them, or they want or need something from you, so they keep you hooked by lifting you out of the water just to dunk you under again. Narcissists reward and then punish to reward and then punish to hook their targets.

Then they discard you like you meant nothing to them. Why do they do this? The word discard means to get rid of someone or something that is no longer of use to you. They throw you away in the most cruellest and calculated ways often as they have a new supply that they can use.

The discard is often done hideously. Most often, they move straight on and flaunt the new partner any way they can, giving you no closure. Any relationship breakup is painful. People who are not narcissistic can act out in hurtful ways. With narcissists, there is a pattern of behaviour from love bombing, devaluing, discard and most hoover. There often is vindictiveness throughout the relationship with a narcissist, and this most often continues after the relationship has ended. Some will cut you off completely, and some will continue to contact you and give you the beliefs you could get back together. Some play hideous games. They most often want to humiliate and destroy you after the discard, with more lies and their smear campaigns as they protect themselves to release the shame and play the victim or the hero to others, yet they never admit fault. The true victim is usually left deep in depression with anxiety and fears running deep, most often blaming themselves, while the narcissistic person swans into the sunset with your self-esteem, self-love, self-trust, life, home and belongings in tatters. They might threaten you, stalk you, intimated you any way they can, provoke you any way they can. They will use all your weaknesses and fears against you.

Narcissists discard for many reasons. The main one is they’ve usually found an easier source of supply.

You became aware that something wasn’t right with their treatment of you or others.

You called them out on their behaviour and started creating your boundaries and stopped pleasing them.

You stop giving them emotional responses.

Their games are no longer working on you, you’ve learned to respond and not react, or when they go into silent treatment, you don’t chase them. You simply leave them be.

They drained you, they took everything from you, and you hit rock bottom, so you no longer have anything to offer them, as they don’t want to help you. They’ve taken your mental health, and your physical health drained you financially. You’re stressed and depressed with anxiety. They drain you, so there’s nothing left of you.
They are envious of someone new, so they seek to exploit that person any way they can.
They are bored whatever they have is never enough, and they believe they’re entitled to exploit others so they can achieve more in the shortest time possible.

How can they do this? It is a question most people ask. They simply lack the empathy to care for anyone other than themselves. Do they miss you? It is often a question I get asked. The answer is no, not in the way we miss those we cared for or care for. They might get to a point when they see you doing better, so they feel jealous or envious towards you, so they come back for the hoover to use you again. It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship finally. Once you know all about NPD, most often you go. Some have doubts, is it me? And I might try one more time. Most often, that will be the last.

Many a narcissist will hoover. If they can triangulate the ex’s and new supply to get them both to please the narcissist and beg for the narcissist’s attention, there is no winner in this other than the narcissist. The best thing you can do for yourself and the new partner or ex-partner of theirs who is taking then back, is taking yourself out of the equation and leaving the partner to work it out for themselves, and they too are hooked, so they will not listen to reason from you.

When you take them back, it’s always temporarily, as most often their behaviour gets worse the more they get away with it. They never come back because they love you. It’s never about you, and it’s always to use you in any way they can.

A narcissist never wants you back. They want control back.

How do you recover?

Grieve the loss, cry, set a time limit.
Write out the false reality and write in the true reality. To give yourself closure, they’ll never give closure. They will only ever blame shift onto you, making you feel worse.
Remember the bad they put you through.
Please focus on the positives of why life will be better without them.
Work on your anxiety triggers.
Create new routines.
Any doubt, tell the story as if it happened to someone you really cared about. What advice would you tell that person?
Work on your mindset. It was not your fault, and you are lovable. You are worthy
Work on filling your human needs up in other more positive constructive ways, things like joining support groups help you by helping others learn about the experience helps you, this fills contribution, growth, connection, if once you’ve learned it, you’re no longer interested learn something new keep growing who you want to be.
Create new routines to full certainty.
Try new activities and hobbies.
Learn your standards, your belief system and your boundaries.
Make sure you rest and take care of your needs.
Find your sense of humour, whatever that humour is to you.

Keep going, people have got past this before you, and you can move forward onto a happier life for yourself.

Why narcissists devalue.

Calling a narcissist out on behaviour change their behaviour.

Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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Two sides to a narcissist after no Contact.

Gaslighting.

Silent treatment.

Getting Over The Narcissistic Ex

When you know they are bad for you, they make you so unhappy, they lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and so many more. It’s soul-crushing. Yet because they came in as the love of your life, as they can treat you better than anyone ever has, yet worse than anyone ever has, this causes deep trauma bonds from the chemicals your body releases during the relationship. Even when you see the pattern of abuse, it’s extremely difficult to let go of that love you have for them.

We remember all the good times, then with the emotional connections to those good times, wanting them back, knowing we can get them for a short time, yet knowing we must let go is pure torture for us at times. Most of us bury the negative, horrible times deep down, often blaming ourselves and never really bringing them back up. Think of one moment when they brought you to your knees, either completely lost, upset, heartbroken, hurt, angry. For them to stand there with a glint in their eye and blame it all on you, ask yourself. What did I do.? What did I really do to deserve that? The answer should be nothing. As no one deserves that, yet because they project, manipulate and blame shift your reactions to them constantly provoking and twisted words, we end up blaming ourselves. It’s never ever your fault. Now think of all the good you did for them. Why would anyone treat you so bad? Because they have a problem, not you. They can not accept love, and you are not the problem.

If you really want to let go, flip those around, often we don’t because that’s hard, it’s going to be painful, and we want to avoid that pain. The easiest option to go for is the pain of losing someone we love and still loving them, yet this only continues our inner pain. Once you flip it around, remember the bad times, the hurtful negative times, work through them. You start to distance that love. It may turn hate. Keep going until it turns to nothing.

You have to face the fear and the pain to move past it.

You don’t have to lose the memory of any good times. Those are most likely why you stayed in the hope of getting those back. However, when you think you love and miss them, think about the bad times and why you’re better without them.

Once you let go, you begin to forgive yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their abusive behaviour. Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind.

Write down all those bad memories, get them all out to release them.

Think of it as someone you really care for showing you what you wrote. Put yourself in the advisors’ shoes. What would you tell someone you really cared about? What advice would you give those who’ve been through what you have?

Talk therapy, Seek help from someone you can talk to who understands you.

If you’re stuck with them in your headspace and you don’t want them there, think of the present moment. When they subconsciously crop up. Consciously remove them from your mind.

As they also fill your human needs at a subconscious level, this also keeps you addicted to them.

Love and connection. You love someone, and you have a partner. You’re connecting when they treat you right in a positive way, yet connected when they treat you right in a negative way.

Significance. At times they make you feel insignificant, so it’s filled negatively. When they want your help, you feel good helping them, so it gets filled positively.

Certainty. You’re certain you’re in a relationship and have routines. Sometimes the certainty is positive, sometimes negative, that certainty can keep us trapped in our comfort zone, which happens to be far from comfortable.

Uncertainty. As you never know what mood they’ll be in next, what they’ll do next. Why they are doing what they do, a narcissistic relationship fills your need for uncertainty.

Growth, when they come back, and you try again, you feel like you’re growing and changing together. This never truly fulfils growth as it’s only ever temporary.

Contribution. All the things you do for them fills your need for contribution on a sky-high level, as you’re always giving more and more to them while you slowly lose yourself, living in the hope that the more we give, the less they’ll hurt, only the more we give, the more a narcissist will take.

As Tony Robbins said, who discovered the human needs. You can fill these negatively, neutrally or positively. When you do something either by action, emotionally, or experience and when one thing fills three of these needs, you become addicted. So narcissistic relationships are highly addictive.

You can fill these needs in other ways to break the bond.

Love and connection, significance, growth and contribution. Many who’ve been through abusive relationships often go forward to help others, if this is a career change, to helping children from abusive relationships, social worker, psychologist, guidance counsellor, or helping on support groups, you feel connected as you’ve had similar story’s. You feel like you’re contributing, you feel like you’re learning, and when you’re learning, you’re growing. Learn to love yourself again and those good people around you. This also helps uncertainty as you step into the unknown and start a new thing. Create Certainty by creating new routines new dreams, start new hobbies, meet new people, read. There are many positive ways to fill those human needs back up and live a much happier life.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.