Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The narcissist and money.
Some of the ways a narcissist abuse you with finances, if you’re still with them, and help with getting out.
Financial abuse is one of the most powerful ways to keep someone trapped within any form of relationship 98 % of abusive relationships have financial abuse, especially when children are involved.
Your finances will be impacted by the narcissist, in various ways, as a narcissist is dishonest, they start off with all their lies, you may not even know how much, or how little money the narcissist truly has.
They are always looking for a replacement for love, their best replacement, for them is money, they think they have money, even if they don’t, they believe they have the right to spend all the money theirs or not, they may gamble, they may use drugs, they may compulsively shop.
The narcissist is a master of manipulation, from gaslighting to the silent treatment when it comes to abuse, nothing is exempt, including your money, and their money. They exploit anything and everything to gain and keep control.
First, they lie, then they threaten, then they leave you without money to take care of your basic needs. They may say things like. “ I need petrol in my car to get to work, so I can not give you money for food this week. ”
They will put the family in debt, as they believe they are entitled to anything and everything that they want.
You may have the tight ward narcissist, that will not buy their children or even themselves clothes, some people are cheap, if they are pathological about it that’s not ok. These will often not see why they have to pay maintenance for their own children.
Some narcissists are generous, to establish themselves of how important and wealthy they are. If they buy you gifts, they will expect something in return. Those will sometimes pay maintenance for children after the breakup. Some people are generous and like to spend money if they’re not pathological about it they are not a narcissist, they just want to splash the cash.
Some will stop you having access to money, so your dependant on them.
They’ll not want you buying cars in your own name.
They may take credit cards out in your name and max them out.
They may borrow money, then gaslight you when it comes to paying you back. Or cause an argument to make you feel bad for asking for it.
They like to control of people through money, and they might take your name off bank accounts or try to get you to sign your house over to them. With my ex, I had to go back to work the day after having our child, to pay the bills, with no help with the baby and being with what I didn’t know then was a narcissist, tired, stressed and hormonal, my ex narc tried to get me diagnosed with PND. It wasn’t until we got home after a visit to the Docters about my mood, that the narc asked me to sign the house over to them, didn’t do any of the things that the doctor recommended, like helping out with the baby. I stood my ground and kept my name on the home, and I got the silent treatment for this as the narcissist said: “well if you’ll not accept my help, no point giving you any.”
They may not be in employment, so depending on your money, they might actually say. “I don’t see why I need to get a job.”
My ex narcissist would often have weeks off, then use this as a further excuse not to pay the bills.
One of their best, which I think they truly believed, as they were one of 7 in the home. The children ranging from birth to 16 years of age. So the narcissist explained how they only needed to pay 1/7 of the bills. They wouldn’t pay that 1/7 th either. If I asked it would be “ I gave you money last week, can you not remember.”
I asked for some money they owed me once in a chip shop because I had none to buy the children chips. they threw the money on the floor stomped off and didn’t speak to me for a week. The only explanation. “ that was my money, you were in the wrong to ask. “ I didn’t know at the time but I had criticised the narcissist for asking what I had loaned them, that they’ve promised to pay me back.
The narcissist wants the best of everything, so they will happily spend their money and yours on themselves, getting themselves the best of everything, yet when it comes to you and your wants they are not interested. Most people like new things, so if they’ve not got any other signs, they will not be a narcissist.
The use manipulative threats over money, so if you let them know you are leaving them, you may hear. “You’ll not be afforded to be able to take care of the children so I’ll have to take custody.”
If you call them out on threats, they will say “ I didn’t say that.”
Narcissists have been known to promise things, like a nice hotel break, for weeks, then they don’t deliver because they’ve spent money elsewhere, you’ll get the “I didn’t promise that.”
Financial abuse chips away at you, you doubt yourself, your stability and your doubt your financial abilities to take care of yourself and your children.
So they will abuse and gaslight you through money.
They will lie about how much money they make, and they will spend too much on the best car they can, to look like they have money. Don’t get me wrong, some people just want a nice car, and if they don’t have other traits, just because someone wants a nice car, they are not a narcissist.
They will sabotage you through finances, when you’re trying to regain control of your finance, they might create situations so you can not work. Or if you do work, they may want that money.
Give you no access to bank accounts.
You’re not allowed to do any sort of study.
Forced to skip paying bills.
The narcissist steals from you.
The narcissist doesn’t trust others because they are very untrustworthy, because we think like normal people we don’t see it.
If you’re still with the narcissist, and looking to leave, or if you’ve left, they might still have control of the finances, or you might be left with debt. So you need to protect your accounts, make sure you set new accounts up in your name only, so they can not get access.
Remember, recovery is all about the baby steps, so celebrate each achievement no matter how small.
Get all your documents, from birth certificates to passports, stash any spare money you can. Create a budget no matter how hard. Change passwords and PIN numbers. Don’t feel bad if you need to ask friends or family for help.
Plenty of shelters for you to go to, yes it’s extremely tough, afterwards, the only way is up. Others have done it and succeeded, so can you.
Believe you deserve better. Because you do.
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