”A narcissist will use the things your care about the most, as these are the things you’ll defend the most.”
During a narcissistic relationship, our emotions are running on a higher state to normal, Neuroscience research claims abusive relationships of any form cause our Amygdala to grow in size, this is the part of our brain that houses and controls our emotions.
After your emotions can still be on a high, so how do we deal with them and overcome them.
No one deserves to be manipulated or abused, get all the help support and guidance you can to recover, healing starts from within.
No matter who the narcissist was in your life, they will have passed all their negative emotions into you and then left you to deal with them. How can you get rid of this?
Your mind controls your emotions, and you control your mind, you can control your feelings.
Emotions are action signals, and they are a sign you need to take action on an area of your life. To re-evaluate how you perceive something or how you are proceeding with something, the way you’re handling situations, the way your behaving towards yourself and towards others learn and listen to those emotions and then take action to change something.
Emotions don’t have to be negative, and they don’t have to be positive. When you use your feelings to serve you. You get to a higher state, so your emotions work for you, and no longer against you.
We can not change or control someone else’s toxic, harmful, destructive, cruel behaviour towards us, or their opinions of us, their views of us are not for us, only we define who we are, we can control how we walk away from those people and how we react. It’s hard to start when they push all our buttons, yet it is so worth it for our inner peace and happiness.
Emotions are telling you to either, change your perceptions, change your procedure, change your communication, change your expectations, change your circumstances. Change your situation. You need to change your state of mind.
Emotions mean you need to change something.
Change your perception. Ask “did they mean to hurt me.” If they did leave them be. “If they didn’t because they didn’t know your standards. Change your procedure your behaviour, start to Communicate with people and express your beliefs, your standards upfront.
Your standards are your standards, and if you can compromise with others, it’s okay if others don’t want to compromise, they are not for you. Not everyone has the same standards, yet we can respect other people’s standards, walk with them or walk away from them.
With a narcissist, they don’t think or feel on the same level that others do it’s all about them if you expect them to understand, if you expect them to care, you will spend the rest of your life frustrated. Working on you and your emotional healing is vital.
Step one, identify your signal, your emotion.
Step two, recognise what it’s telling you.
Step three, take action to change,
1. Hurt. A Feeling of loss, Means you have an expectation that hasn’t been met.
2. Clarify and take action on your own perceptions or your own procedure.
1. If you feel uncomfortable, something just doesn’t feel right.
2. Clarify what it is you want.
3. Take action on what you want.
1. If you feel angry, Furious, enraged, resentment.
2. Clarify your perception or your procedure. You have a standard for your life that’s not being met. This cannot be getting met by you, or you feel your standard isn’t being met by someone else.
3. Take action.
1. If you’re feeling pain,
2. You need to change your perceptions. Change the way you communicate or change your own behaviour. The way you’re looking at things.
1. Fear is your feeling Anxiety, concerned apprehension, worry, terrified, frightened, scared.
2. You need to prepare yourself wisely and deal with whatever negativity situation is coming up, fear is to get yourself prepared to deal with something, we can deny the alarm or not take action. We amplify it and start to think about what the worst thing that could happen instead of taking action.
3. Get prepared and deal with it.
Guilt or regret.
1. Guilt is you’ve violated or let someone violate one of your standards.
2. Don’t deny the feelings of guilt, and it’ll always come back to bite you. Don’t walk around forevermore, feeling guilty. Guilt is for you to learn and not do it again. You can not change your past, and you can change your present and future.
3. Let it go.
1. Overwhelmed, hopeless, depressed. Defeated. Flat, numb, stressed.
2. You need to evaluate. Your situation, what’s truly important to you, where you want to be, who you want to be, your priorities, your hopes and your dreams. What’s necessary for you in your life right now, what desires do you need to let go of, what do you need to keep and focus on.
3. Work out what’s an essential focus on that, let go of what isn’t.
1. Frustrating things aren’t working out how you hoped, or people are not acting how you expected.
2. You need to change your goal, ask “what am I trying to achieve?” “Can I achieve it if I change my approach?” If its someone else causing you to feel frustrated, you can not change them, if you’re trying to get results by doing the same thing and you’re not getting results.
3, you need to change what you’re doing. Albert Einstein ” insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
1. Feeling lonely, usually, because you might be alone, or who you’re with makes you feel alone.
2. Connect with yourself so you can be alone and not feel lonely. Connect with others.
3. Find things you love for you, meet new people.
1. Disappointing that things aren’t meeting your expectations.
2. Change your expectations, change your own perceptions.
3. You might have been told or thought something was going to be a certain way, and it’s not, see it for how it is if you don’t like it leave it if you can change it, then change it.
1. Feeling inadequate, feeling unworthy, insignificant, not good enough, invalidated.
2. Change somethings within yourself, your mindset, your beliefs.
3. Do something that makes you feel special, makes you feel worthy. Change your criteria. If that was practising more at something or changing the negativity people you have around you, leaving them be and finding good people.
Step two appreciate the emotions.
You are allowed to be emotional, respect the emotions learn from them and deal with them.
If you’re feeling hurt that someone left you, you need to change your perceptions of what life was going to be into what you can make your life be.
If you’re feeling hurt that someone has broken your trust, you need to communicate with them, and if they do this again, you need to change your perception of that person and stop telling them information.
If your feeling hurt that someone has broken your trust again after you communicated with them. You need to change your perception of that person, learn they don’t care for you and walk away.
If you’re feeling hurt that someone close has passed away, deal with the hurt, ask yourself if you’d passed away and someone close to you a year later was still suffering what would you tell them. ” live your life, enjoy your life, remember the good.” Or would you ask them to wallow?
If your feeling hurt, someone has taken advantage of you, ask yourself “why did I let them?” Learn from it and don’t let them retake the advantage.
If you’re feeling hurt that someone manipulated you, learn how they did this, so you are wiser and don’t let people manipulate you again.
If you’re feeling angry that someone has hurt you this means a rule you have a standard or a boundary, someone has crossed, or you let them cross, or you make your own standards slip.
If you feel angry that someone has let you down, you need to keep your own standards high and yet your expectations low of them.
If you feel angry when someone provokes you, it’s time to think, “what did they use to provoke me?” Take action to heal that wound so they can not provoke you again.
If you feel angry when someone has hurt you. The first time you need to communicate with them, see if your perceptions are different and you can compromise. If you can not, and they continue to hurt you, you need to take action to remove them from your life.
If you feel angry because someone oversteps one of your boundaries, the first time you need to communicate that standard to them if they continue to try and overstep the boundaries you need to learn to leave them be.
Remember if you tell someone something, yet didn’t explain you didn’t want them to share the information, they might not have known, don’t feel anger toward those who didn’t know, just communicate. If they do know and do it again, those people are not your problem, leave them be and find people who respect you.
If you’re feeling frustrated, someone will not listen to you, change how you tell them if they’ll still not listen ask yourself. “Are they worth it? Do true care? Are they doing it to hurt me?” If that’s a yes. Stop explaining yourself to them and leave them to it.
If you’re feeling frustrated, someone is smearing your name. Just leave them be, gossip fades, they want your emotional reactions, so don’t give them any.
If you’re feeling inadequate because someone’s told you-you’re not good enough, write down who said to you that, that’s their insecurities, not yours.
If you’re feeling unworthy because someone treated you poorly, remember no one deserves to be abused, the problem is them, leave those negative people behind you and surround yourself with supportive people.
If your feeling inadequate, ask yourself. “Am I not meeting my own standards?” If that’s the case, raise your game. “Am I not meeting someone else’s standards?” If that’s so asking yourself “do they always up to to the game every time I do? Do they accept me for who I am? Do they treat me right? ” if they are always putting you down they are not for you.
If you’re feeling disappointed someone keeps letting you down, or your children down, see them for who they are, change your expectations of them too who they indeed are, who they show they are through actions and leave them to it if you can communicate, then communicate, if not keep your own standards high, and leave them to it,
If you feel disappointed in yourself for letting someone treat you that way, learn who you want to be, who you are, become wiser and don’t let someone treat you that way again.
You can be with someone and feel lonely, so either communicate if they are unable or unwilling to help, find people that don’t make you feel lonely.
Feeling lonely shows, you need to connect with yourself and others. This can be friends, family, even online support groups. Take action, find new hobbies for you. Get out there and meet new people.
If you feel guilty for doing something for someone you should never have done, recognise, first, did you know the full story? Did you have good intentions at the time? Did you believe you were doing the right thing? If so, let it go.
If you feel guilty for not seeing a situation for what it was at the time, educate yourself and don’t allow it to happen again. Let it go.
You might even feel guilty about something that wasn’t your fault, or you’ve been programmed to feel guilty for things you haven’t done, or things you didn’t understand.
Guilt isn’t emotional to spend the rest of your life feeling bad and insignificant. It’s a message to learn from your mistakes, deal with them, try not to make a mistake again and then let past mistakes go, if you don’t let them go, they ruin your present and your future. Let guilt go.
The messages guilt offers you is to learn from past mistakes and don’t carry them into to present. Don’t feel guilty because you can not make all others happy, don’t people please, this only hurts you. Make yourself happy first, help those you can, leave those you can not.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed because someone expects too much of you, let them go, overwhelmed with day to day life, prioritise.
If you’re feeling Hopeless, look at what steps you can change to change, you’re the situation.
If you’re feeling Flat or drained, do you need rest?
If you’re feeling Numb, what can you fill life with to feel joy,
If you’re feeling Stressed, what is stressing you out and what action can you take to change it?
Write down everything that’s most important to you right now, what you want to achieve.
Number them in order from your top priority.
Take action on that first one and when you’ve accomplished, work down the list.
As soon as you handle and take control of one, your brain will acknowledge this and not feel as overwhelmed to do the others.
Sometimes starting with a straightforward thing, or one simple step, to help you see you can overcome. Taking back control of your life and your emotions build your self-esteem.
Identify the emotions, fear, anger, guilt, pain, resentment, take the message the emotions are giving you. It’s a message that you need to change something.
Messages your emotions are telling you. Change your perceptions, your communications—the people you surround yourself with, your actions, your procedures. Then deal with them and take action.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse. (Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw
Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended Reading List.
How they invalidate you.
Changing your thoughts to work for you.
Why they always think they are right.