How a narcissist manipulates through others.
Triangulation is another form of narcissists manipulation of those around them. This is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two or more people. They will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this, and they will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.
Narcissists do this to gain control of others, divide and conquer people, drive a wedge between people, gain supporters and flying monkeys for the narcissist by playing people off against each other.
Through triangulation, they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they Gaslight people into questioning themselves, shattering people’s self-worth. When narcissists triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening, and most of the time, neither party knows the truth.
A narcissist wants to:-
1. Create shame in people, which instils into others a belief that they are not worthy or good enough.
2. Create a competition of those around them by comparing people against each other, which instils a feeling of jealousy, competition, resentment in those around the narcissist and a sense of not being enough.
3. Create jealousy between those around them. The narcissist is insecure deep down underneath their Mask, and they are also extremely Envious and resentful of those around them. Some make this more evident than others.
4. Create absolute chaos between people, creating drama that instils stress and anxiety in those around them.
5. Create seeds of self-doubt in the minds of those around them.
6. Create an atmosphere in other friendships.
7. Create isolation, cutting people off from support networks and reality checks.
8. Create control of all others.
9. Create a feeling of guilt in others, so they conform to the narcissist’s demands.
10. Create confusion in those around them, which causes Cognitive Dissonance within the minds of those close to them, which causes people to become trapped within their own minds, believing they sound stupid or crazy.
11. Create conflict in those around them.
12. Create attention and reality checks going through the narcissist only.
How do they do this?
1. Killing two birds with one stone method.
They will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them or talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them. You then end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing your Boundaries and trying harder and harder to please them. So they can make you doubt your thoughts and feelings through gaslighting if you bring anything up, the narcissist will tell you. “You’re insecure.” Or “I was only joking.” When, in reality, your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention while they gain control of your mind, and you slowly lose control of your mind.
2. Recruiting reinforcement.
They will lie and Smear other people’s names, as well as yours. They will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions, becoming an Enabler and assisting the narcissist in bullying and destroying others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.
The narcissist will extract information from one, then gossip with another about it, they’ll even lie about what one person has said about another when you defend yourself to the narcissist, the narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what was supposed to have been said to them, they use this to control information shared between people, once they’ve fulled a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others, or fake concerns about you. Hence, people pity the narcissist, which then cuts you off and protects the narcissists’ false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim, and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.
4. Flirt and deny.
Another one to provoke the feelings of jealousy, insecurities and self-doubt in you, yet they’ll flirt in front of you then deny all knowledge.
When out with friends, they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation. They’ll leave you out of jokes. They’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure. If you speak up, they’ll say things like “they need space.” Or “you’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself.
6. Extracting information then using it against you in front of others.
Again they will use gossip, lies and use private information. They will shame you in front of other people in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, and then they will deny this to you if you dare to ask them.
7. Devalue someone to you.
So the narcissist will tell you that someone you know gossips about you behind your back, that they are no good for you, or how bad it is someone did something you have done to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.
If you are going through triangulation, Grey Rock or No Contact them, only respond, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. If you get a chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” they informed me you’d said this about me, is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. If they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick to facts, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible, no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns, they cycle around, and it becomes easier to break free.
More on triangulation.
Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
The online courses are available by Elizabeth Shaw.
For the full course.
Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.
For the free course.
Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.
To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.
Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.
All about the narcissist Online course.
Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.
The narcissists counter-parenting.
Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach. She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
The most common gaslighting phrases.