Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Triangulation is another form of a narcissists manipulation of those around them, and this is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two other people. Then they will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this, and they will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.
They do this too, gain control of others, divide and conquer people, drive a wedge between people, gain supporters and flying monkeys for the narcissist, by playing people off against each other.
Through triangulation, they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they gaslighting people into questioning themselves and shattering people’s self-worth. When they triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening, and most of the time, neither party knows the truth.
A narcissist wants to
1. Create shame in people, which instils into others a belief that they are worthy or good enough.
2. Create a competition of those around them by comparing people against each other, which instils a feeling of jealousy, competition, resentment in those around the narcissist and a feeling of not being enough.
3. Create jealous between those around them. The narcissist is insecure deep down underneath their mask, and they are also extremely envious and resentful of those around them, some make this more evident than others.
4. Create absolute chaos between people, creating drama which instils stress and anxiety in those around them.
5. Create seeds of self-doubt in the minds of those around them.
6. Create an atmosphere in other friendships.
7. Create isolation, cutting people off from support networks and reality checks.
8. Create control of all others.
9. Create a feeling of guilt in others, so they conform to the narcissist’s demands.
10. Create confusion in those around them, which causes cognitive dissonance within the minds of those close to them, which causes people to become trapped within their own minds, believing they sound stupid or crazy.
11. Create conflict in those around them.
12. Create attention and reality checks going through the narcissist only.
How do they do this?
1. Killing two birds with one stone method.
They will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them, or talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them. You then end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing your boundaries, and trying harder and harder to please them. So they can make you doubt your thoughts and feelings through gaslighting, if you bring anything up the narcissist will tell you. “You’re insecure.” Or “I was only joking.” When, in reality, your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention while they gain control of your mind, and you slowly lose control of your mind.
2. Recruiting reinforcement.
They will lie and smear other people’s names, and they will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions, becoming an enabler and assisting the narcissist in bully and destroy others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.
The narcissist will extract information from one, then gossip with another about it, they’ll even lie about what one person has said about another when you defend yourself to the narcissist, the narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what was supposed to have been said to them, they use this to control information shared between people, once they’ve fulled a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others, or fake concerns about you, so people pity the narcissist which then cuts you of and protects the narcissists false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim, and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.
4. Flirt and deny.
Another one to provoke the feelings of jealousy, insecurities and self-doubt in you, yet they’ll flirt in front of you then deny all knowledge.
when out with friends they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation, they’ll leave you out of jokes, they’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure, if you speak up, they’ll say things like “they need space.” Or “you’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself.
6. Extracting information than using it against you in front of others.
Again they will use, gossip, lies and private information, they will shame you in front of other people, in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, and then they will deny this to you if you dare to ask them.
7. Devalue some to you.
So the narcissist will tell you, that someone you know, gossip about you behind your back, that they are no good for you, or how bad it is someone did something you have done to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.
If you are going through triangulation, grey rock or no contact them, only respond, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. If you get chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” they informed me you’d said this about me is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. If they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick it fact, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns, they cycle around, and it becomes easier to break free.
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The most common gaslighting phrases.