Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Triangulation is another form of a narcissists manipulation of those around them, this is where the narcissistic person acts as a messenger between two other people. then they will twist things, lie and exaggerate to the other people involved. No one is excluded from this, they will triangulate work colleagues, friends, siblings, children, partners, parents and professionals.
They do this too, gain control of others, divide and conquer people, drive a wedge between people, gain supporters and flying monkeys for the narcissist, by playing people off against each other.
Through triangulation they get others to doubt each other, to fight each other over the narcissist, they gaslighting people into doubting themselves and shattering people’s self-worth. When they triangulate, people often don’t even know what’s happening and most of the time neither party knows the truth.
A narcissist wants to
1. Create shame people into not believing they are worthy or good enough.
2. Create a competition of those around them by comparing people against each other.
3. Create jealous between those around them. The narcissist is insecure deep down underneath their mask, they are also extremely envious and jealous of those around them, some make this more obvious than others.
4. Create absolute chaos between people.
5. Create seeds of self-doubt in the minds of those around them.
6. Create an atmosphere in other friendships.
7. Create isolation, cutting people off from support networks and reality checks.
8. Create control of all others,
9. Create a feeling of guilt in others so they conform to the narcissist’s demands.
10. Create confusion in those around them.
11. Create conflict in those around them.
12. Create attention and reality checks going through the narcissist only.
How do they do this?
1. Killing two birds with one stone method. The will often inform a partner of someone flirting with them, or talk about how an ex would have done something for them, which confuses you as they’ve already smeared the ex and told you how much they hate them. You then end up feeling jealous and insecure, often losing your boundaries, and trying harder and harder to please them. So they can make you doubt your thoughts and feelings if you bring anything up by telling you. “You’re insecure.” When in reality your instincts are correct. The narcissist gets attention whilst they gain control of your mind and you slowly lose control of your mind.
2. Recruiting reinforcement. They will lie and smear other people, they will pity play, so you feel bad for the narcissist and want to help them and protect them, unwittingly taking on the narcissists opinions and helping the narcissist bully and destroy others believing the narcissist is innocent and the third party is at fault.
3. Splitting. The narcissist will extract information from one, then gossip with another about it, they’ll even lie about what one person has said about another, when you defend yourself to the narcissist, the narcissist will then go back to the other party to relay what was said to them, they use this to control information shared between people, once they’ve fulled a rift between people, they will then smear one person to all others, or fake concerns about you so people pity the narcissist which then cuts you of and protects the narcissists false reality from coming out. So the narcissist can play the victim and the real victim looks like the crazy abuser to others.
4. Flirt and deny, another one to provoke the feelings of jealousy, insecurities and self-doubt in you, yet they’ll flirt in front of you then deny all knowledge.
5. Exclusion, when out with friends they will purposefully leave you out of the conversation, they’ll leave you out of jokes, they’ll leave you out of activities. So you feel excluded, left out, insecure, if you speak up, they’ll say things like “they need space.” Or “you’re too obsessive and controlling.” So you end up questioning yourself.
6. Extracting information than using it against you in front of others. Again they will use, gossip, lies and private information, they will shame you in front of other people, in a way that those around you don’t see what they have done. But you know what they said, then they will deny this to you if you dare to ask them.
7. Devalue some to you, so they’ll tell you that they gossip behind your back, that they are no good for you, or how bad it is someone did something you have done to make you feel shame. They will put you down via talking about a third party.
If you are going through triangulation, grey rock or no contact them, only respond, do not react directly to them or in front of them and only respond if needed. If you get chance to call them out on it when with the third person and the narcissist say. ” they informed me you’ve said this about me is this true.” and watch the narcissist squirm. if they are using the court system to destroy you and triangulate you against others, stick it fact, try to have evidence, do not discuss anything with the narcissist everything via the solicitors and courts, speak to who asked you a question, do not look at or react to the narcissist. Keep control of your own mindset and avoid the traps of the narcissist. Remember they are doing it to use others, gain control of others and get a response. If at all possible no contact and take back control of your mind, narcissists are desperate to control the minds of all those around them. When you see the patterns they cycle around it becomes easier to break free.