Overcoming Narcissist abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
They love bomb. When you meet the one, your soulmate, your perfect match in every way, they lift you so high all your dreams are coming true, they like all that you do, they understand you, they dislike all your dislikes. Then you’re hooked you’ve met the love of your life and life couldn’t get better,
They devalue you. Slowly things change, sending you into a downward spiral of despair and confusion you think you know yet you don’t know, always questioning what you’ve done wrong? what you could do better? How could you change to get that person you met back? Then they’re back, just to flick the switch and relationship problems are there again, they provoke you by psychological manipulation, mental abuse through, gaslighting, provoke arguments, pity plays and silent treatments, then blame-shifting it all into you. Leaving you confused, changing constantly, walking on eggshells afraid to speak out, Afraid to be your true self, afraid to leave. Full of insecurities, anxiety’s, heartache, shame guilt and pain, constantly doubting them, you, reality and what you can do better.
As they fill up your human needs of certainty you’re in a relationship uncertainty as you never know where you stand with them. Love and connection, growth and contribution and you are always changing to meet their needs, always connected in your mind to them sometimes positive and sometimes negative, significance in a positive way when you’re helping them. Negative when they make you feel so insignificant. You become addicted to them, it’s no longer love you feel, it’s trauma bonding and addiction. Although the love-bombing phase was an illusion and lies created by the narcissist, you lived it, you experienced it and your inner critic cannot help but think it was something you did. You did nothing, no one deserves abuse mental or physical.
Narcissists will give intermittent rest bites from the devaluation, as they are using you, either because you’re trying your best to please them, they want or need something from you so they keep you hooked by lifting you out of the water just to dunk you under again. Narcissist reward and then punish to reward and then punish to hook their targets.
Then they discard you like you meant nothing to them, why do they do this? The word discard means to get rid of someone or something that is no longer of use to you. They throw you away in the cruellest and calculated way often as they have a new supply that they can use.
This is also done in a hideous way, most often they move straight on and flaunt the new partner any way they can, giving you no closure. Any relationship breakup is painful, people who are not narcissistic can act out in hurtful ways, with narcissists there is a pattern of behaviour from, love bombing, devalue, discard and most hoover. There are a rage and vindictiveness throughout the relationship with a narcissist and this most often not always continues after the relationship has ended. Some will cut you off completely, some will continue to you with you and give you the beliefs you could get back together, some play hideous games. They most often want to humiliation and destroy you after the discard, with more lies and smear campaigns as they protect themselves to release the shame and play the victim or the hero to others yet never the villain. The true victim is usually left deep in depression with anxiety and fears running deep most often blaming themselves, whilst the narcissistic person swans into the sunset with your self-esteem, self-love, self-trust, life, home and belongings in tatters. They might threaten you, stalk you, intimated you any way they can, provoke you any way they can, they will use all your weaknesses and fears against you.
They discard for a few reasons. The main one is they’ve usually found an easier source of supply.
- You became aware that something wasn’t right with their treatment of you or others.
- You called them out on their behaviour and started creating your boundaries and stopped pleasing them.
- You stop giving them emotional responses.
- Their games are no longer working on you, you’ve learned to respond and not react, or when they go into silent treatment you don’t chase them you simply leave them be.
- They drained you, they took everything from you and you hit rock bottom, so you no longer have anything to offer them, as they don’t want to help you. They’ve taken your mental health, you’re physical health, drained you financially, you’re stressed and depressed with anxiety. They drain you so there’s nothing left of you.
How can they do this? Is a question most people ask. They simply do not have the empathy to care for anyone other than themselves. Do they miss you? Is often a question I get asked, the answer is no. They might get to a point when they see you doing better so they feel jealous or envious towards you so they come back for the hoover to use you again. It takes an average of 7 attempts to finally leave an abusive relationship. Once you know all about NPD most often you go. Some have doubts is it me? And might try one more time, most often that will be the last.
They hoover. If they can triangulate the ex’s and new supply, to get them to please the narcissist and beg for the narcissist’s attention, there is no winner in this other than the narcissist. The best thing you can do for yourself and the new partner or ex-partner of theirs is taking yourself out of the equation and leave the partner to work it out for themselves, they too are hooked so will not listen to reason from you.
When you take them back it’s always on a temporary basis and their behaviour gets worse the more they get away with. They never come back because they love you. It’s never about you, it’s always to use you in any way they can.
How do you recover?
- Grieve the loss, cry, set a time limit, one day/ two days.
- Write out the false reality and write in the true reality. To give yourself the closure, they’ll never give closure, they will only ever blame shift onto you, making you feel worse.
- Remember the bad they put you through.
- Focus on the positives of why life will be better without them.
- Work on your anxiety triggers.
- Create new routines.
- Any doubt, tell the story as if it happened to someone you really cared about. What advice would you tell that person?
- Work on your mindset. It was not your fault, you are lovable, you are worthy
- Work on filling your human needs up in other more positive constructive ways, things like joining support groups help you by helping others learn about the experience helps you, this fills contribution, growth, connection, if once you’ve learned it you’re no longer interested learn something new keep growing who you want to be.
- Create new routines to full certainty.
- Try new activities and hobbies.
- Learn your standards, your belief system and your boundaries.
- Make sure you rest and take care of your needs.
Keep going people have got past this before you and you can move forward onto a happier life for you.