Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The two faces of narcissism, the admiration seeking, and the rivalry. The two conflicting realities you end up living.
The first person you meet is the admiration seeking narcissist, and you live the reality of this time.
The admiration face, be it overt, covert, grandiose, victim, somatic or cerebral, all narcissists want to be admired. To feed their own sense of superiority, to feel special, unique and powerful, they throw massive tantrums when these needs are not being met. Most people want to feel special and loved. Deep down narcissistic people do not trust in others, and doubt they can be loved due to various possible reasons, either a trauma in early childhood, which takes them into the fight survival mode, lacking in the development of object consistency which is formed in the mind by around the age of 2 or 3 meaning people can care about others even if there is a distant, disagreement or hurt, narcissists are missing this object consistency. They might have never developed the natural attachments systems to others in infancy, where they form a bond with the primary caregiver, they might have never developed empathy or limited empathy to truly care for others, or something happened so they removed empathy from within themselves, or simply deep down as they know they are all about themselves they believe others are too, as they destroy others they believe others are out to destroy them, kill or be killed mindset.
Deep down they are empty, feel insecure and worthless, yet they are not brave enough to bring these insecurities and vulnerabilities up and heal these wounds within themselves, as that inner true self is so painful, they long for admiration from those around them. Narcissistic people do actually want to feel loved, and they definitely want and need admiration, why in the Beginning they come on so strong, yet as they don’t know who they truly are within themselves, they mirror others, they will choose a target out of desperation to be with someone, also because they see a quality within that person that they admire and want, so they will mirror you.
The love bombing phase.
Love bombing is cruel and sometimes calculated manipulation when someone tricks you into believing they are something that they are not. You get lavished with, gifts, attention, time, effort, emotions, flattery and grand gestures, they like all your likes, and dislike all your dislikes, fill you with false dreams. Learn all about you from your deepest insecurities to your favourite foods, they, in essence, turn into you, they match you like for like, leading you to believe you’ve met the one, your soul mate and all your dreams have come true. It’s all manipulation, to feed you a reality that they can never fully deliver, it’s easy to spot when you know what to look for, not so easy when you don’t and believe and trust that others all have good intentions. Love bombing is used to create feelings of obligation within the target.
Once the narcissist realises the target is human and has flaws, and can not live up to the excessive demands of admiration the narcissist needs to keep their true selves hidden and keep their ego stroked, as love can not sustain them alone, they can not grasp the ideas of mutual acceptance or that others have flaws and no one is perfect, communication, boundaries, respect, compromise. They are very tunnel-visioned and only see it their way. Love feels unsafe to them, they feel they can control admiration.
The admiration face.
- I am great.
- I am special.
- I am perfect.
- I know how to handle people.
- I am powerful.
- I am better than all the others.
They don’t go straight out and say it. They instead put on the charm to draw you in, or the woe is me so you empathise with them, want to help them, as they are treating you so right, you couldn’t imagine anyone would want to hurt them, if you’ve been hurt in the past you can relate to them.
This love bombing phase is your reality at that moment, it might well be an act and a trap on their part, as you can not see the act to you it’s real, and it builds you up to living in such an amazing high.
As they believe in their own greatness, they have a magnetic pull to them, and those who don’t fully understand them are charmed and taken in by them. If you don’t know and don’t understand it’s extremely easy to fall for the love bombing. As they swoop in and sweep you off your feet, your not aware this person is bad for you until you’re in too deep. Then when reality hits of how toxic they are, it’s hard to break free as you’ve lived the time when they treated you so right.
The real person is the rival narcissist.
A narcissist sees all others as rivals to them, they are extremely jealous and envious people, when someone is getting something they want, or the narcissistic person sees the target as doing better than them and seeks to destroy.
When they are not getting their own way, as they feel entitled, they take this as a deep criticism and the tantrums begin, slowly breaking down your boundaries, with triangulation, pity plays, guilt trips, and more, this is usually done slowly over time, with the added gaslighting which is psychological manipulation making the target lose their own reality, they seek to take out those who they feel are not severing them as they should, not admiring them as they should.
As they feel shame, and they do not like the feelings of shame for the things they do, they blame shift and project, to escape responsibility, often telling that many lies they believe their own reality.
The more the manipulate targets into doing exactly what they want, the more the target loses a part of who they are, leaving the target, hurt, confused and often alone as the narcissist will have most likely isolated them.
Yet when the target does get something right the narcissist will offer intermittent plays of the nice side, to confuse the target even more.
The narcissist slowly devalues the target, through put downs, either covert. ” are you really going out in that.” To the overt. ” you look awful in that.” Taking you down bit by bit, criticising, where you go, what you do, how your treat them, how you treat others, what you do wrong, then when they need you again they lift you back you.
You end up so lost and confused as to who you are, who they are, often isolated so you only have them to go to for a reality check, leaving your reality even more confusing.
The rivalry face.
- I am better than all the others.
- I want others to fail.
- I need to be the centre off attention.
- Everyone should take care of me.
They also might not straight out hit you. (Some do, and some don’t.) this can leave you even more confused.
Living with the nice narcissist and the evil narcissist is confusing, you’re in the twilight zone, living in fear walking on eggshells to avoid an outburst if you don’t do right by them.
You are manipulated from the start, in the middle and the end, even after you break free they come at you with further manipulation and games.
It’s painful, confusing and causes so many psychological problems within your own mind.
To heal, recover and move forward, understanding the disorder and what effects it has on you, and learning to understand yourself, learning who you are. Your beliefs, your human needs, your boundaries, so those red flags become deal breakers.