Whatever happens in a narcissists life, be it the grandiose or the vulnerable, the somatic or the cerebral, those who act more overt and those who are more covert, and they can all cross over if needed to exploit another, most act covertly as they hide their true intent from those around them, however, if we listen closely their projection, their natural defence mechanism to project all the bad within their life into those around them, those grudges they hold onto of the things others did to them, which often is what the narcissist did to those very people they’re holding a grudge against, they twist the story gaslight people to escape accountability, their baiting to get that reaction from you so that they can blame it all on you, whatever happens in a narcissists life that they themselves perceive as negative or bad, they will pass the blame and play the victim to avoid those feelings of shame for the things they actually do. So just how do they play the victim so well without us knowing? Covertly is how.
A narcissist can not accept themselves for who they indeed are, and they believe they are superior and above and better than all others. They are either unwilling or unable to see faults within themselves, so they will make their own reality and do their best to make sure those around them believe them. Many even convince themselves that their reality is a fact.
They need validation from others to keep their own insecurities and faults deeply hidden. They want to guilt-trip those around them to escape the shame for what they do while gaining control.
People who’ve been close with a narcissist get hurt emotionally, psychologically, socially, financially and sometimes physically. They simply do not care, and they will turn whatever they do to you onto you so that they can escape all accountability.
You communicate on a broader level, with empathy, compassion, understanding of others perceptions, caring, thoughtful and forgiving. They only understand they are the only person that matters.
You look for the middle ground and Compromise, and they are not looking for agreement. They are looking to win at all costs to you.
They communicate on a level that is only ever to serve and suit themselves.
The disorder is on a spectrum, so some you might be able to learn how to disarm them and how to best handle yourself around them.
With others, no contact is the only way forward.
So how do narcissistic people twist the story to play the victim? Covertly is how, mostly hidden and in one form or another, through gaslighting to alter your reality, so you feel like your losing your sanity and work harder to please them.
Gaslighting.
They use this as a way to psychologically manipulate others into losing their own reality and taking the narcissists reality on as their own. Another way to escape the actual reality of their own by making others believe their false reality, thus them believing their own false reality themselves.
There are many gaslighting phrases narcissists use to twist the story and shift the blame so they don’t take responsibility and they lose any feelings of shame.
When they lie through omission.
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”
When they humiliate or hurt you.
“It’s not my fault your too sensitive.”
When they provoke you.
“You’re crazy, and you need help.”
When you ask about a promise they made.
“I never said that.”
When they didn’t let on.
“I told you last week. You must be losing your mind.”
When they’ve done something, they shouldn’t.
“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.”
When you stand up to them.
“I’m not controlling. You’re trying to control me.”
When you catch them.
“If you would have done what I asked, it wouldn’t have happened.”
When they rage for seemingly no reason.
“You know what I’m like in the morning, and you should have left me alone.”
When they cheat.
“If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”
When you ask them about that message.
“You looked at my phone. Wow, I can not trust you can I.”
How to disarm.
If you’re still with them, if they are a family member, write down what was said and if in doubt, look at it. If you have children, they still see, keep everything via messages or email, so you have it all in writing.
Lies.
They are compulsive liars. It’s a defensive mechanism. Even if you have evidence, they will lie through their teeth to get out of it, find some way to blame others or why it was all your fault.
- They lie to get their needs met.
- They lie to play the victim and get sympathetic attention from those around them.
- They lie so they don’t suffer any consequences for their own actions.
- They lie to escape all accountability, and because they can not reflect, they believe their own lies.
- They lie to get admiration and positive attention.
- They lie to confuse you and your own reality.
- They lie to anger you and get your reactions.
- They lie to control others, and to control their reality, to get their needs met.
- They lie because their lies become their truths, as they don’t see fault within themselves in order to change themselves, blaming all others, and they believe others are at fault, and others should change, not them.
Narcissistic people often lack in emotions such as guilt, remorse, empathy, as they live in their own reality, with their own opinions and beliefs. They may feel shame deep within themselves, often why they will blame others, or blatantly lie that they didn’t lie.
How to disarm.
Don’t approach them. They’re not looking to give you answers. They give you more pain or a false apology such as ”I’m sorry but.” yes we can all make mistakes look to see if they are willing to own theirs. Those who repeat toxic behaviour don’t learn from their behaviour. Look for facts. If they are bare face lying with evidence in front of them, remember they can not accept responsibility, they can not be accountable, give yourself the closure and answers.
Delusion and Denial.
A narcissist person can feel shame for the things they do. However, they don’t want to feel this shame, so they Project their shame into others by blame-shifting and Gaslighting to escape accountability and avoid taking any responsibility. To prevent them from feeling any form of emotions like guilt and remorse. As a coping mechanism, they delude themselves and those around them to avoid any painful emotions, that their own reality is the only reality and it’s real, even though it isn’t.
Their reality is often indeed seen by them that way, and even at times when it isn’t, they tell themselves and others their truth that much their own subconscious believes it to be real. They have to create a story in their own heads perceived in the only way they want to see it, which is everything is always someone else fault and never their own. The more this goes around their head, the more they believe it to be accurate, why their stories are so convincing even when things don’t quite add up.
How to disarm.
Write down what they told, then write down your reality.
Projection.
The narcissist will project any unhealed parts of themselves onto others, as they simply will not and can not take responsibility for their own actions, they don’t like how they are empty, they need approval and seek attention, they are pathologically Jealous And Envious of those around them, they will fabricate, distort, lie, Triangulation and blame shift any of their own wrongdoings onto others. This creates an alternative or false reality in the narcissist’s own mind.
When you question them about something, and they say you’re jealous, it’s either to deflect the truth or because they are jealous.
When you suspect they are cheating and ask them about it. They will accuse you of cheating or being insecure, to deflect the truth often because they are actually cheating.
If they say someone was cruel to them, they were cruel to that person.
If they say someone is insecure, they are insecure.
If they say someone owes them money, they often owe that other person.
If they say their exes are crazy, look at the common denominator.
They want to pass all their faults onto others.
How they will tell the story to others.
Those with good intentions have their limits and can react in a manner, not like themselves and react badly; reactive Abuse, this occurs when people finally snap, they might scream or shout in anger, throws insults or lash out at the abuser, abusers are known to try and push others for this reaction. Once the narcissist has the reaction, they will twist the story, so the real victim is the abuser, and the narcissist can play the victim.
They will use this against you forevermore, and some will even film it to go to the police against you.
If you reacted at any point during a violent domestic relationship, where they were controlling you, Then twisting everything into you, Then you feel as you’re to blame while they escape all accountability. This does not make you a narcissist. This is further manipulation from the narcissist. The keyword is REACT. You reacted to someone who knows all your weaknesses so that they can turn everything onto you. Own responsibility for how you reacted, see the whole story, then let it go. It’s now in the past.
How to disarm.
In any future communication, retreat, rethink and then only respond if you genuinely need to do so.
Smear campaigns and your character annihilation.
You might remember the story’s they told you about the exes, and they most likely will not have wanted you talking to any exes because, of course, they’re all crazy, having empathy you sympathise with them about just how horrible it is another person could treat someone this way.
This is what they will be doing to you, everything they did to you, any reaction you gave they will be twisting all the facts into their own reality and blaming you to the new.
They will often leave without closure, so when you call and message, they’ll show the new partner, friends and family as evidence you’re Stalking them, and they’re such a good catch that you want them back. Missing out the part they just up and left you and moved straight in with someone new.
“Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.”
If you try to explain to their new partner, they’ll have been fed so many lies just like you once were that it’d confirm in the new partner’s mind that you’re trying to split them up.
Or they’ll Triangulate you both, so you both work harder to win them back, play you off against each other, they know you’ve taken them back before because of that Trauma Bond , so they’ll bread crumb you into believing you have a chance, they are telling the new how bad they feel for leaving you, and perhaps they should give you another chance, so you both without knowing fight each other to keep hold of a toxic manipulator.
How to disarm.
Leave them to it. Focus on who you are and who you want to be. Their story’s fall apart when you don’t look like the crazy ex, and you begin to look happier without them.
When it comes to children, some will just up and leave the children, explaining to others how you will not let them see the children. Others will play so many mind games with the children, fail to see them when they are supposed to, say horrible things to the children so that you have to choose no contact, they will them blame you to all others for not allowing the children to see them. They will happily drag you onto the court, while you lose sleep worrying about it all, and the effects of the children not seeing them, with the impact on the children when they are around them, is heartbreaking.
How to disarm. Keep as much written evidence on everything you can and be prepared. Set time aside to deal with court paperwork, then focus on being positive around the children. Do your best to get rest, set aside time to deal with the court of the smear campaign, then focus on doing things you enjoy doing.
Observe, don’t absorb.
When you genuinely pay attention to the words that fall from their mouths, you’ll know all those times you couldn’t work out what was happening. They were talking rubbish to you, from backhanded compliments.
“You’re hair looks better like that than it did before.”
“I didn’t think you’d get the promotion. Congratulations.”
“You look pretty when you have makeup on.”
Observe their pattern of behaviour and their words, recognising who they are, and that’s on them, not you. Nothing you do will help them. You can help you.
With good intentions, there is no wrong way or right way to live your life. Stay in your reality.
Lies
Reactive abuse.
Communication.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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