When you know they are bad for you, they make you so unhappy, they lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and so many more. It’s soul-crushing. Yet because they came in as the love of your life, as they can treat you better than anyone ever has, yet worse than anyone ever has, this causes deep trauma bonds from the chemicals your body releases during the relationship. Even when you see the pattern of abuse, it’s extremely difficult to let go of that love you have for them.
We remember all the good times, then with the emotional connections to those good times, wanting them back, knowing we can get them for a short time, yet knowing we must let go is pure torture for us at times. Most of us bury the negative, horrible times deep down, often blaming ourselves and never really bringing them back up. Think of one moment when they brought you to your knees, either completely lost, upset, heartbroken, hurt, angry. For them to stand there with a glint in their eye and blame it all on you, ask yourself. What did I do.? What did I really do to deserve that? The answer should be nothing. As no one deserves that, yet because they project, manipulate and blame shift your reactions to them constantly provoking and twisted words, we end up blaming ourselves. It’s never ever your fault. Now think of all the good you did for them. Why would anyone treat you so bad? Because they have a problem, not you. They can not accept love, and you are not the problem.
If you really want to let go, flip those around, often we don’t because that’s hard, it’s going to be painful, and we want to avoid that pain. The easiest option to go for is the pain of losing someone we love and still loving them, yet this only continues our inner pain. Once you flip it around, remember the bad times, the hurtful negative times, work through them. You start to distance that love. It may turn hate. Keep going until it turns to nothing.
You have to face the fear and the pain to move past it.
You don’t have to lose the memory of any good times. Those are most likely why you stayed in the hope of getting those back. However, when you think you love and miss them, think about the bad times and why you’re better without them.
Once you let go, you begin to forgive yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their abusive behaviour. Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind.
Write down all those bad memories, get them all out to release them.
Think of it as someone you really care for showing you what you wrote. Put yourself in the advisors’ shoes. What would you tell someone you really cared about? What advice would you give those who’ve been through what you have?
Talk therapy, Seek help from someone you can talk to who understands you.
If you’re stuck with them in your headspace and you don’t want them there, think of the present moment. When they subconsciously crop up. Consciously remove them from your mind.
As they also fill your human needs at a subconscious level, this also keeps you addicted to them.
Love and connection. You love someone, and you have a partner. You’re connecting when they treat you right in a positive way, yet connected when they treat you right in a negative way.
Significance. At times they make you feel insignificant, so it’s filled negatively. When they want your help, you feel good helping them, so it gets filled positively.
Certainty. You’re certain you’re in a relationship and have routines. Sometimes the certainty is positive, sometimes negative, that certainty can keep us trapped in our comfort zone, which happens to be far from comfortable.
Uncertainty. As you never know what mood they’ll be in next, what they’ll do next. Why they are doing what they do, a narcissistic relationship fills your need for uncertainty.
Growth, when they come back, and you try again, you feel like you’re growing and changing together. This never truly fulfils growth as it’s only ever temporary.
Contribution. All the things you do for them, fills your need for contribution on a sky-high level, as you’re always giving more and more to them while you slowly lose yourself, living in the hope that the more we give, the less they’ll hurt, only the more we give, the more a narcissist will take.
As Tony Robbins said, who discovered the human needs. You can fill these negatively, neutrally or positively. When you do something either by action, emotionally, or experience and when one thing fills three of these needs, you become addicted. So narcissistic relationships are highly addictive.
You can fill these needs in other ways to break the bond.
Love and connection, significance, growth and contribution. Many who’ve been through abusive relationship often go forward to help others, if this is a career change, to helping children from abusive relationships, social worker, psychologist, guidance counsellor, or helping on support groups, you feel connected as you’ve had similar story’s. You feel like you’re contributing, you feel like you’re learning, and when you’re learning, you’re growing. Learn to love yourself again and those good people around you. This also helps uncertainty as you step into the unknown and start a new thing. Create Certainty by creating new routines, new dreams, start new hobbies, meet new people, read. There are many positive ways to fill those human needs back up and live a much happier life.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.