“I had so many mental and physical health problems the doctors didn’t know what to do. I took to google, came across narcissist, and realised my problem was being around you.”
If you have lived with or being in a personal relationship with a narcissistic person, be it a parent, a partner, a boss, co-worker or friend, due to all the narcissists gaslighting, it’s extremely hard for you to understand what’s happening to you at the time, difficult to understand afterwards and process and even harder to explain to others what you’ve been through.
In the beginning, when you start to process it all, most of us find it’s so unbelievable even though we lived through it, and to us, it feels even worse saying it out loud, as we are often left to feel crazy or stupid. It’s hard enough for those who have been through it to understand it all, and those who’ve not been through it just don’t seem to get it.
Unfortunately, we can not help another’s Naivete, or our own, as humans we simply do not know, what we don’t know until we learn, even then we can have different prospectives, those with compassion will try to understand, those without will blame, shame and judge. ￼
In all honesty, I’d like as many people as possible not to understand, as that would mean they’ve not had to suffer at the hands of a narcissists manipulation. Unfortunately, far too many people have. Those that have are often left feeling ashamed, crazy, powerless and extremely frustrated coming to terms with it all, often left with anxiety and depression, full of self-doubts and insecurities in place of who they indeed are, not always but most often left with a loss of possessions, isolated from friends and family. Those who they thought they had left to go to for support, the narcissist has often got in there first playing the victim, smearing the true victims’ name and telling their lies, their twisted truths very well, so when the person who’s genuinely suffered speaks out or reaches out for help and support, they’re often left more confused, distressed and frustrated as those around them either don’t get it, or believe the real victim is crazy while the narcissist swans off into the sunset, with their new victim, and the old victims personality and belonging until their envious face rears its ugly head again.
It’s frustrating yet understandable when you hear yourself telling others or the police, or trying to warn the narcissist’s new partner, that you didn’t harm the narcissist you reacted because they provoked you, so they could use it against you to cover up the abuse they did to you. As really! Who would do that to someone? Yet as those who’ve been with a narcissist know, those with the narcissist personality disorder do it. Or that what they are saying happened did happen; however, it was the other way round, and so much more happened.
When you’re trying to reach out and help the narcissists new target, yet the narcissist has already smeared your name on how crazy you are, how you want the narcissist back, how you’re obsessed with them, how you’re the one doing the stalking. As the new target is in the idealisation stage, being mirrored by the narcissist, and narcissist’s manipulation has also infected them they turn to the narcissist for reality, leaving you looking even crazier to the new person and backing up the narcissist stories, even though you are the one telling the truth.
What makes it worse is as you’re so frustrated dealing with it all, trying to explain or, in some cases, with police having to explain yourself to others, who’ve not been there, it is effortless and normal for you to become extremely upset, frustrated often leading to you losing your temper with those who are not understanding what your saying as they’ve not lived it.
People need to be educated on the narcissist personality disorder. Still, you need to remember it’s not their fault they don’t understand what a narcissist has done to you or how you’re reacting.
The same goes for those who go back to the narcissist, as they don’t understand the trauma bond that needs to be broken. It’s hard to break free, so you don’t go back. It takes an average of seven attempts to get out and stay out of an abusive relationship. Some people do make it out the first time, some it takes a while longer, though the hope that the narcissist will change to who they said they’d be, doubts it’s our fault and fear of what the narcissist might do if we leave.
Most will not have told people what was happening while it was happening.
“While you busy telling everyone how great the narcissist is, the narcissism will be telling everyone how horrible you are.”
Most don’t call the authorities while in the relationship, most people, through the narcissists gaslighting, will be telling themselves, “It’s not that bad, it doesn’t happen often if I hadn’t.” and most narcissistic people will have painted the perfect picture to the outside world at the start, then slowly and carefully smeared the real victim’s name behind their back.
You have to remember how hard it is for you to come to terms with it all, and you lived through it, so you have to try as hard as it is not to react or get over emotional towards police when the narcissist had pressed charges against you. Not to go trying to warn the new partner, as frustrating as it can be as you know what they are about to go through.
You have to be as reasonable and as rational as possible, gather as much evidence as possible when it comes to court cases, messages and photos.
It’s hard coming to terms with everything you’ve been through. Some shout it from the rooftops, which is actually what we need to get it out there known and understanding to those who have and haven’t lived it, others shut down and shut themselves off, they need to know how they feel is normal, is relevant, and people do understand.
Even those who haven’t lived through it and want to help may not understand the severity and look at you confused, or worse, ask if you’re exaggerating. This is horrible when you’ve been mentally and possibly physically tortured, and you may have been told by the narcissist no one would believe you. Then when you speak out, people say. ”I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” you want to scream it was, and in actual fact, it was much worse.
When you’re left with guilt and the blame, then reach out, and people ask. ”What did you do?” or ”It takes two to tango.” it’s even more soul-destroying and can set you back.
No one deserves to be abused mental or physical, no matter what. No one.
In most situations, people don’t go around hurting others for no reason or destroying others. Yet, people with a narcissist personality disorder do that. They exploit people as they believe they are entitled to have everything their own way, lacking in empathy to care for those they hurt.
Narcissistic people will torture others for no reason at all, often by torturing you to provoke you, then blame it all on you. ( the narcissist’s reason is to make themselves feel better, most narcissists believe nothing is ever their fault.) so if you blamed, you-you were never the narcissist.
A narcissistic person will not see others opinions, values, and they will not see their own mistakes, they will not be accountable, they will not be sorry. ( false apology if they have something to gain by doing so) you can not reason with a narcissist. There is no compassion, compromise or understanding with a narcissist. You can not help a narcissistic person, as they don’t believe they’ve done any wrong.
People on the narcissistic personality disorder live in a different reality to those who are not, often believing their own lies and that all others are to blame.
You will never get your feelings validated by a narcissist. They only invalidate you to make you feel worse, they are not listening, and they don’t care. They only hear things they’ll be able to use against you in the future.
Most people want to resolve life’s problems and other people’s problems. A narcissist wants power and dominance, they want to control, and they want to win at all costs.
Narcissistic people triangulate. They want to pull everyone they can onto their side, including friends, family, police, judges etc., as they will feel in-depth criticism and believe you’ve turned against them when you try to take control back of your own life.
No one throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist who is losing control of someone else’s mind.
It’s even more hurtful when those who don’t understand trauma bonding don’t understand why you don’t just leave, why most often those who’ve been through it will tell you to get out safely, yet will also stand by you when you stay or go back, as they understand trauma bonding is hard, leaving is hard, staying out is hard, they also understand that when you do finally choose to get out and stay out, you’ll need someone.
Remember, those who’ve not lived through it will not fully get it. You know what happened, you know how you feel, your feelings are valid, and those who’ve lived it understand and knows how you feel.
Wherever you are, if you’re out, do your best to stay away and keep going. If your In gets out as soon as you can, but do what’s right for you and stay safe.
A relationship with a narcissist.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Manipulation tactics of a Covert Narcissist.
Can the Narcissist love.
3 thoughts on “When Those Around You Don’t Understand The Abusive Affects Of A Narcissistic Relationship.”
Wow!!! This article blew me away!! So I have a unique situation and find it hard to find others that are in this kind of relationship. I am dealing with a narc who is a child. She’s now 14, going on 25 yet emotionally at a 5 yr old emotionally. Her biological mother is also a narc and bipolar. This child was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder plus several other diagnoses. I am with the father and have been for almost 12 years now. It’s insane what I’ve been through. We have 3 other little girls who I find my duty to protect (obviously) but with this situation, it’s pretty intense. A lot of ppl say, well she’s a child and you’re an adult. But dealing with the manipulation and triangulation and physical abuse and I could go on, child or not, it’s never ok!! I keep my other children out of it as much as possible. I’m at the point of “grey rock” because I came down with an autoimmune disease from all the stress!!! I’m so done with that. I love my other half and he sees what I’m saying now, took awhile, but I’m so grateful he does!!! But yet we have other family who do not understand and I dont find it’s my duty to explain anymore, I dont have the energy for that.
Sorry this is soooo long but this article really hit me hard and GOOD!! We are at a point that I said we do counseling together and intense counseling (we’ve been here and done this multiple times but she always finds excuses and argues and flips out) so we will see. As much as I want it to get better, I know it won’t. It’s like these ppl come and go in seasons or phases. She gets sick of her biological mom and then her dad and then her grandma and then she switches to me, it’s a cycle. Who gives her what she wants, who pities her at the moment, it won’t be me anymore. As sad as it is. I dont feel bad anymore. I need to get myself back in order, for myself and my other kiddos ❤❤❤
Yes your health has to come first for you and the other children. Don’t worry about judgment do what’s best and right for you, others haven’t lived it you have. It sounds like she might have underlying issues and pain that she’s hiding from within herself and acting out, causing other problems to mask her actual problem. Counselling might no be helpful as it’ll not get to the deep-rooted underlying cause. She needs to dig deep and face the pain of whatever hurt her so much in the past, to heal and appreciate her family. Stay strong, look after yourself first, as the happier and more positive you are, the happier your children will be, sounds like you’re an amazing women and have done all you can to help. X