Overcoming Narcissist Abuse By, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Not everyone who’s been with a narcissist will get taken to court, however, those narcissists that can use the court system against you, will do at some point, they can leave you alone for years, then suddenly re appear to catch you unawares.
When you’ve finally got yourself to a good place and you’re making life work for you, then those court papers arrive, it can be devastating, having to go through the past, trying to get your point across to strangers who simply don’t understand the severity of the situation. The court is never a pleasant experience, going up against a narcissist can bring you back to, fear, guilt and self-doubt.
Why would you end up in court against a narcissist?
Two factors, either their behaviour results in you need to take them to a court or they take you to court, simply for their need to remain in control and win.
Most people do their best to behave in a way to avoid any court action being taken, try to find the middle ground and compromise before the court is needed. As a narcissist believes they are right, they’ve done no wrong and they are entitled, also if they believe they are losing control over you, they do whatever they can to sink you.
Reasons for court action.
1. Proceedings to do with any children you have together. You might have gone no contact, the children might no longer want to visit, or the might be keeping the children from you.
2. Criminal Proceedings where the narcissist has committed crimes against you.
3. Divorce, money matters, child support, splitting of assets.
A narcissistic person does not like people walking away from them they want to be in control and they will use the court system for your reactions. They want you to be, angry. Worried, scared and upset. They also enjoy the attention they receive from their lawyers. The court is a stage for them, they want all the focus and attention. They are in court to win and win only, they might play the compromised card, this will only be used against you at some point.
They do not respect the law, or anyone in the courtroom, they might act as they do, but they believe they are above the law and do their best to manipulate everyone in the room.
They want to, push, provoke and intimidate you, they will want reactions from you. Watch out for them, trying to speak to you, make eye contact with you, belittle you, goad you and do all they can to get a reaction from you.
What can you do to help your case against them?
These are steps to help you get control back in your life, if you’re like me you might feel like doing some of these things are mean and uncomfortable, or you’ve turned into a private detective. If you want to live a free life, you have to throw away any doubts, any insecurities and you must do what’s right, if you don’t you’ll pay in the long run.
1. If your exs behaviour starts to escalate, even if you never called the police before now is the time to start, be open and honest with all questions, it’s hard dragging up things, but you need to get a picture of their pattern of behaviour built up with the authorities, if you already have none molestation orders, protection orders, restraining orders in place, you need to call the authorities every time they break these, you’ll only regret it if you don’t in the future, best to face your feelings head-on, get it done than have regrets down the line. they are relying on your good heart not to.
If the narcissist takes you to court further down the line, its no longer your word against theirs, you have court issues papers and police reports.
2. Don’t try to be nice and not put info in the court papers you might need to rely on in future. Put everything in. A narcissist might act like they can play fair, they do not, they are lowering your defences ready to strike, you have to protect you and any children. Your happiness is at stake if you don’t.
3. When going through protection orders, if you can not afford a solicitor and even if you can contact your local domestic violence unit they will guide you and help you, they also understand you.
4. Document everything, a narcissist relies upon your word against theirs, they then rely upon twisting everything around and leaving you with self-doubt, keep diaries of things said, try to keep communication via email or messages, try to respond not react, save them all, does not let the narcissist know. Many times they’ve missed visiting the children, keep copies of everything, if they don’t take children to the Doctor if they miss school events. If anything happens to your property, anything gets damaged, even if you don’t know it was them, report it to the police.
5. It can be extremely hard if the narcissist is telling your children lies and adult things that shouldn’t be said, document it with dates, don’t try to justify yourself to the children, they just get caught in the middle. Instead, let them know, people just think differently and we are all entitled to an opinion, we don’t have to take someone else’s on as our own.
6. Do not back down in a divorce, you have one chance, do what’s right for you, the narcissists will not think or act fairy.
7. Do not give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt, do not fall for any charm tactics they might play, if they have narcissistic traits, they are not playing nice to be fair, they are doing it to bring your fairs down then pounce and win, they don’t want compromises they want to win, remember they don’t think how we do, they are not interested in that middle ground, they don’t care only for themselves. Give them the benefit of the doubt and they will take everything from you.
8. Don’t fear the treats that they are going to take your home and children from you. They just want to intimidate you, focus on the outcome you want, vision getting justice, vision and dream of it going exactly how it should.
9. Do not lose it in front of the judge, this is why the narcissist is intimidating you and playing these games. What they do is unfair and unjustified. You have to stay as businesslike as possible to the judge and in court, remain calm. ( you can let all the emotions out afterwards.) you need to be in Control of your mind and your emotions in court. Stick to facts especially those you have evidence for.
10. Arrive at court early, if you can secure a separate waiting room do so, this gives you a great barrier between the narcissist and yourself. Most will try to talk to you make eye contact with you, smile, smirk or wink at you, to provoke you before you even enter the courtroom, to intimidate you and put you on edge, or play nice so you doubt yourself again. Arriving early allows you to compose yourself and prepare.
11. Don’t expect others to see their manipulation, remember how long it took you to see it and understand it, don’t diagnose in court. The court is interested in facts.
12. If possible try and have someone sitting between you in court, DO NOT make eye contact with the narcissist, ignoring them will criticise them, direct all your answers to the judge, not to the narcissist or their solicitor. You’ll feel calmer taking to the judge and this will infuriate the narcissist.
13. Do not challenge any questions, answer them and stick to the facts and the point, do not go off topic.
14. If the narcissist brings people with them, they are the narcissists flying monkeys and enablers, do not engage with them, this is hard but you must remember they have been brainwashed by the narcissist and are there to help the narcissist.
15. Refresh your mind on the manipulation tactics they use before you go, so you know what they are trying to do.
16. When leaving the court, make sure the narcissist has already left, do not post anything on social media, or let people know who will inform the narcissist, they hate not being in control of others lives.
17. Do this and you will give them enough rope to hang themselves. The narcissist might be painting you in a bad light, if you remain calm, Show no evidence of this, ignore the narcissist. ( you are not required to answer directly to them.) you are required to answer, do so with truth, facts and evidence and do so directly to the judge. No one can throw a bigger tantrum than a narcissist who’s not getting attention and losing the control of those around them, stick to this, their mask will slip and they will show their true selves to the court.
18. Do not doubt yourself, do not feel mean, no one deserves to be treated how a narcissist treats you, if you have doubts remember all you have done for them, all the things you have forgiven them for, remember how badly they have treated you. No self doubt you’ve got to take the necessary action for the best interest of yourself and any children.
You can and you will get the results you need.