Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw- Life Coach.
Will the narcissist be any happier with the new person?
When your ex moves straight on, possibly even seeing them before you broke up, you might still be in the mindset of “If only I’d have done this.” Or “Was it all me.”
No, it wasn’t you, if you were with a narcissist they turned all the blame onto you, with lots of different manipulation techniques, idolisation, lies, gaslighting, silent treatment, financial abuse, projection, social media, triangulation and blame-shifting, to name a few.
Just like no, it wasn’t you. No, they will not be any happier with the new person, you might be hoping that they will treat the new person kinder, that you taught them how to treat people right, and now they are doing all that with someone else and not you. You may feel jealous, and you might feel sorry for the new person, you may even want to warn them, Do not do this, you can try, but it’s not helping them. It’s helping the narcissist as they will have smeared your name and you’ll be playing into the narcissist’s hands, looking crazy, explaining everything the narcissist has already explained, only they’ll have twisted it that you did it to the narcissist, they might have told them, you stalk them and will stop at nothing to get them back. The new person will be happy and feel they’ve met the one as you did in the start.
Unfortunately, we have to leave the new person to work it out for themselves.
So no, it’s not going to be any better for the new person.
All your seeing or hearing is the love-bombing phase that they used on you. What your seeing is an illusion, the same illusion that you had in the beginning.
Narcissist abuse is a cycle that you need to break free from, each stage last different lengths of time, depending on the narcissist and the situation, also the other person.
1. Love bombing, idealising you, when they treat you better than anyone ever has, when they mirror you, when they like all you likes, love all your hobbies, create future plans and dreams with you. Promising you the world together.
2. Devaluation, when they realise that you are human, that you make mistakes, that you can not give them undivided attention 100 % of they time when you ask them about a commitment or promise they made when it’s a special occasion that they are not the centre Of attention at. They start to gaslight you with “I never said that, and If only you’d.” Causing self-doubt within your mind as you’re certain they did say it. Reactive Abuse, when they push you as far as you’ll go, and you snap back at them, even if you just raised your voice when trying to reason with them, or explain your point of view over events that happened, that they are now denying. They take you off-topic during the discussion, turn it into one big argument, blame it all on you, forget or deny any wrongdoing on their part, exaggerate all yours and then stomp off and give you the silent treatment, for which your left questioning yourself and wondering how you can make it up to them, to end the pain of the psychological tourtière within your mind, with added financial abuse, they either give you very little money after convincing you to move in with them, or they take all yours, even having loans in your name, so you no longer feel like you have the financial resources to escape them. Isolation from friends and family, as you’re feeling like you are going crazy, silly about the situation you’re in now you’ve started to work it out, our own egos can keep us trapped longer than we should have ever stayed, and those new supply’s that knew about you, will stay even longer in the relationship, suffering, to try and prove to themselves and the outside world that they were in the right, the more the narcissist does to hurt them, the more they hold on to prove they are different.
Our own expectation that this time they will change, this time they will not hurt us, we can help them, No amount of love will make them stop hurting you, the ex or the new, walking away and no longer playing, focusing on you and not them stops the pain. Of course, narcissists will triangulate, the exes with the new target, to get the new to work harder to please them. Those who come to you through cheating often leave through cheating, and they didn’t have the loyalty or love for the ex, they do not have it for the new. Unfortunately, most of us get entangled through the narcissists lies that they are indeed single when in truth, they were not.
3. Discard, where they might have sunk you so low, they up and leave smearing your name to those around you, telling everyone what they did to you, you did to them, and this is the closest you’ll get to the truth from a narcissist, what they say the exes did to them, is often what they’ve done to the exes.
4. Hoover. When it’s not working how they wanted with the new, so they come back to you, to suck you back in them spit you back out.
And repeat, if that’s with you, or someone new, they just continue the same pattern, time and time again.
The final discard, only this time you get to twist the story, not for revenge, lies or pain, for change, you don’t discard them for better, you step out of the picture, end their games with you, take time to process heal and recover, no matter how hard at the start you make a decision never to go back, to never listen to them in the same way again, to see through their lies and toxic behaviour, to wean yourself off the drug and work on a much happier future for yourself. Only then do we truly break free, when we choose to walk free, only when the new target wakes up to reality will they see and also break free.
The narcissist is not happy with the new person, and it’s only the excitement of having something new, we are appliance to them, where we buy a new phone and discard when it’s not working, then if we crack the screen on the new phone, we might see if we can use the old phone, until our new is fixed, or we buy another. This is precisely how narcissistic people treat people.
They will seem happy as the new person hasn’t worked it out yet, the narcissist is love bombing and enjoying all the attention from the new person.
The new person and the outside world is only seeing the admiration face from the narcissist, and they believe they’ve met their soul mate and will be showing the narcissist with attention, just like we once did, they don’t see that they are being abused. So they will appear happy.
To the outside world the narcissist, with the new person while their needs are being met they might seem happy, as soon as they are no longer getting their needs met and their egos get crushed, the mask slips, they need constant attention, when this stops, when they feel criticised, the angry, resentful, insecure narcissist strikes.
Narcissist cannot create inner happiness, and they can not be alone for too long, they need to be, good looking, or rich, intelligent, superior, if they don’t feel these it’ll be someone else’s fault as they need to be above others, own the best things, find someone that will idealise them, then crushed by that person when they feel criticised, narcissist cannot self validate, they can only validate others in the love bombing.
The narcissist doesn’t have empathy, and they don’t understand compassion for others, they don’t know how to be a decent person.
When a narcissist is alone, they can not cope as they feel like they are dying, they are miserable, horrible people, if they get compliments from others, it makes them feel better.
Narcissist believes they are perfect, even if they have it good, they will always be looking for better, the problem is none of us is perfect, so they’ll never be to achieve this. They will never settle down as they always believe they deserve better, and as they age and their looks fad or their charm fades, they try old supply, or ( and remember beauty is on the inside.) they’ll lower their standards, some narcissists can have a type. However, most don’t, the only type most have is someone you can provide the narcissist with what the narcissist wants at that moment.
If the narcissist has moved on, you can now build yourself back up, yes it can be very hard, baby steps to help you. Start looking at it by being grateful that the new has taken them off your hands, don’t feel overly bad for the new, especially if they knew about you, it’s on them not you, it’s ok to hate the new, Of feel bad for the new, your life, your emotions, yet at some point you’ve got to forget the new and what they’re up to if they are happy and focus on you and your life, especially if you have children with the narcissist. Fake it till you make it, work on it while you fake it, think happy to create your happy, you’ve got to imagine yourself happy to get yourself happy.
The English play writes John Heywood, wrote.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day, but they were laying bricks every day.”
So celebrate and achievement you make, no matter how small, you’ll soon see you are making what you thought was impossible, possible.
If you are at the start and want revenge, this is it, you can be happy, you can be everything the narcissist wants to be, yet they never can.
Others have done this before you, you can and will be happy again.
Unlike the narcissist they do not find real happiness, they fake it and never make it, as they always look for external sources of happiness, they never look inwards, and they always look externally for blame, so they never learn to look internally for change.
Karma hits the narcissist every time as they circle around and around, never achieve, they are so miserable and insecure, with extremely low self-esteem on the inside. You can not help them, as they don’t see themselves as the problem, to the narcissist it’s always someone else that’s caused it.
You have people with low self-esteem that put on a mask and destroy people to feel better within, never learning, never evolving, never changing, always blaming, always hurting and looking for revenge, part of that revenge they often move on fast with someone you knew, or they move very close by.
Then people with low self-esteem, that try to raise people, help people, so they don’t feel as low as they ever did, that learn from past mistakes, grow, heal, stay single until they are ready, becoming at one and happy within themselves, faking it something until they make it, and once they make it they give it their all and their best, even if they make mistakes, because they don’t want you to hurt how they hurt, and they take care of themselves first to give the best of themselves, with newfound beliefs, standards and boundaries to protect themselves.
Walk free, enjoy life, love yourself again, the narcissist can not and will not change, even if one ever did, it’ll not be the person you fell in love with, you fell in love with a fake person who mirrored you in everything you do, you actually fell in love with you, you can do this again. Trust in yourself.
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Video on the narcissist’s mind games.
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