Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
When they come at you with game after game, and you just can not believe just how unbelievable they are, yet they once were so believable, as they play the admiration face and treat you better than anyone ever has, their lies are their reality, so they tell them with so much conviction and truth, them outcomes the envy face when they don’t get what they want, then they treat you worse than anyone ever has, yet with their many manipulation games, such as, blame-shifting, gaslighting, silent treatments, we are often left believing it to be all our fault, it is never your fault for people to treat you so wrong, the fault lays with their disorder.
As you and those around them often believe they are good people, understand that we all make mistakes, care about and look for the good in others, we also most likely didn’t even realise people like this existed, then when you work out just how unbelievable they genuinely are, you have the battle of showing others just how believably the narcissists incredible behaviour truly is, all the narcissists fake, false and destructive ways, often trying to explain yourself to others while you are questioning everything that’s happened to you and you are left looking and feeling crazy, and for some of you who have lost everything, for other losing a lot, from hopes, dreams, relationships, possessions, sense of self, trust, self-esteem, self-love, physical and mental health problems, it’s an incredibly life-draining place to be.
The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum, so it varies from person to person how much damage they do to you, also we are all individuals so how much we can take, and how long it takes for us to work it out the narcissist’s unbelievable behaviours, as they twist and turn through everything you go through with them, just to keep confusing you.
A narcissist steals your heart, pollutes your mind, takes your boundaries, your trust, your self-love and self-worth, takes your belongings, and so much more, some even manage to take the children.
One of the things that you have to get your head around is just how believable their unbelievable behaviour is.
It’s unbelievable at the time, and it’s also unbelievable afterwards when you realise exactly who they are, and how they operate. During and after a narcissistic relationship, you are often left shocked, confused, and your emotions are all over from the highs and lows. CPTSD, anxiety and trauma bonding, are other things to overcome.
They do all these unbelievable behaviours to keep you in a trance, and as it seems so unbelievable, we often make excuses up for their unbelievable behaviours to make it easier on us within our minds about what it genuinely happening, not realising this makes it worse for us as we then put up with more, and the worst things about those excuses are within our minds we make them valid. Everything they do is so they can keep their control over you, and their unbelievable behaviour starts at the very beginning.
1. The idolisation stage when you first meet them, when they are too good to be true, and perfect in every way, you’ve met your soulmate, who is loving, kind, thoughtful, and perfect in every way, they are amazing whilst they are love bombing you, you don’t let it go as it feels so amazing and you want more. They were simply mirroring you, and you fell in love with yourself.
If the narcissist is your parent, your boss, your friend, they often drop in that idolisation stage, those intermittent play nice, to get their needs met, which usually leaves us more confused, as last week they were treating us so unbelievably wrong, and now they are playing nice.
2. Devaluation stage, it’s unbelievable that someone can change from being so loving and caring to someone so horrible and nasty, You then find it hard when they, switch to someone you don’t know, you find it hard and unbelievable that someone who loves you so much could treat you the way they do. That first silent treatment, you think you’ve done something to cause it, and they’ll confirm this by telling you it was you. The manipulation they use is unbelievable.
3. Discard stage, it is unbelievable how they can just move on so fast, that the new person can not see what the narcissist is doing, that they can vanish on you like that, use you the way that they did, that the new person will not look at what you’re telling them, how the narcissist can just cast you and possibly their own children to one side, even more, unbelievable if they try to take those children off you, unbelievable that they portray you to others as crazy, telling others all that they did to you, you actually did to them. Unbelievable that people believe them, but don’t understand what you are telling them, unbelievable they can be so cruel, so heartless, unbelievable how they can treat you that way after all you did for them.
4. The hoover stage. It’s unbelievable they can walk back into your life, like they did nothing wrong, twist it all around so you believe it was all your fault, unbelievable how much you want them back, how much you miss them so much, unbelievable that you can not let them go, you can not stop thinking about them, you can not stop caring about them, unimaginable after all they have done, that you still love and care for them and want to help them.
5. Smear campaigns stage, it’s unbelievable the lengths they will go to once you finally break free, smearing your name to children, friend and family, sabotaging your jobs, your home, dragging you through courts. Unbelievable just how hurtful someone you thought once loved and cared for you, could be so destructive and hurtful towards you.
6. Afterwards you find it unbelievable how long you put up with their behaviour, without knowing what was happening, for some it’s weeks, months, ten years, twenty years or more, depending on the narcissist you had the unfortunate path in your life of meeting, you find it unbelievable who they are, you find it unbelievable how many are out there, how many have suffered the same fate at the hands of a narcissist, how they all have the same traits and manipulation techniques, it’s unbelievable how you never spotted the pattern they use in all that they do, it’s unbelievable how your story’s and feeling are the same as so many others, well believe it’s true, real vampires do exist, under the name of narcissist, what they are is true, what they did to you, those before you, those after you, and those around you, is all true. It’s more unbelievable that they can not change, that they don’t see what they do as wrong, that as much as you tried, they can not be helped, well you tried so start to believe that they can not be helped, they’ll never see it from someone else point of view, therefore as they don’t see themselves as the problem, they can not change, they change their manipulation, they change their lies, they change their partners, they never change their true selves. They have a disorder, and that is who they are.
It leaves you an empty shell, no longer knowing who you are, no longer knowing reality, full of emotions you don’t know what to do with, you are unable to move forward with your life without them. It’s even harder how those around you don’t always understand what’s happened, or those who had seen signs, don’t understand why you didn’t get out sooner, some even asking why? Rather than asking the abuser why they would treat someone that way? When you’re trying to work out what’s been happening in your life, and those around you don’t understand, it makes a difficult journey to re-discover even harder.
There is plenty of people who understand, which is why we need more awareness, and to get the help, support and understanding to those who need it.
You will never get answers from a narcissist if you want answers, you’ll only get more lies and false apologise from them.
Don’t think about motives of why they do this until, You learn and really understand what the narcissist personality disorder is, so you know exactly what they are, what the do, so you can make sense of everything that’s happened to you.
You need to learn that narcissistic people have a different reality to others.
Find people who understand what’s happened, as those who’ve not experienced it first hand, will not understand it.
Know who you can trust, who want to help you.
Rebuild yourself, learn to listen to your instinct, if someone is too good to be true they usually are. We all have our faults.
Try and have evidence if needed for court or mediation. Keep messages, take photos etc.
Accept some people will not see who they indeed are, leave them with the narcissist.
Do not try to out them, unless you are fully recovered, you have evidence, and you know that it will plant seeds of doubt in those around them who, they’ve also manipulated.
Read read and read some more until you genuinely believe precisely who they are, and you know exactly what a narcissist is, whist recovering, learning about them will help you understand and recover.
At the same time, don’t let them and the past control your future, use the present to shift them from within you mind, overcome anxiety and CPTSD, while focusing mostly on the future you want for your life now, in all the darkness keep looking for your light and you will find it, what do you enjoy, what things make you want to leap out of bed? Find those things, smile more, create new opportunities for you.
You will heal, and you will have a much happier life.
You can, and you will.
What is and handling the smear campaigns.
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