Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Why does a narcissist play mind games?
The narcissistic personality disorder is on a spectrum, so the levels they will go to, depends on the narcissist you are dealing with.
Why do they manipulate? The main reason it all comes down to control, they have to manage, everything and everyone around them, they put you into a state of a trance, so you become paralysed within your own mind, no longer knowing reality, therefore you end up going to the narcissist for reality, so they can control you further, if you start to realise that something is not right, they’ll will often up those mind games to send you into a further trance.
Narcissistic abuse causes cognitive dissonance within your mind, where you live the reality of the narcissist’s admiration face, where they genuinely seem to love, care and empathise with you, they shower you with affection and flattery, and you do them, and they adore the attention they get, unfortunately this can not last as we are all human, we all make errors in judgment, we all make mistakes, and at times we can all disagree with those we are close to, yet healthy people can see each others point of view, have a two way conversation and reach some form of compromise. With someone who had NPD, when you disagree they class this as criticism, you are not obeying them, as you are most likely hooked at this point, this is when they change the game. When you say no, when you don’t agree, outcomes the envy face as they have not got control over you, so they might sulk, silent treatment, project, triangulate. blame-shift, guilt trip or gaslight you to get your boundaries down and get their needs met. Gaslighting plays a significant role in all of these, and it’s designed to confuse you and distort your own sense of reality, most of the tactics they use will leave you full of self-doubt and self-blame. As you’ve lived through the admiration face and with all their twisted manipulation methods, like provoking you, to get a reaction out of you, to blame it all on you for something they started, so they can escape responsibility and place all the blame onto you, as they’ll downplay or miss entirely out what they did, and exaggerate what you did, so instead of two people being accountable for their own actions, the narcissist takes no blame, and you are left thinking its all down to you, then you work harder to make it up to them and earn their forgiveness, this all leaves you confused and often losing your beliefs and boundaries trying to make it up to them, for what they actually did to you.
They have to manipulate to keep control over you, some as I once believed say it’s to keep up the appearance of their false self, in my reality, both the admiration face and the envy face is who they are, to confuse, control and manipulate you, remember you did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not change it, that’s who they are, and with most after the idolisation stage, you will never know which side of that face they will show from one day to the next, often leaving you walking on eggshells around them, as they are like walking across a land mine, one small step out of place and they will go off, yet you never know what will set them off from one day to the next, it depends what mood they are in, with their games and staying in control of you, they stay calm most of the time around others, or if they believe they will suffer any form of consequences, those on the lower end of the spectrum are not always in control enough to do this all the time with others, yet you are still often left confused and agitated, often with anxiety, so you look to others like the crazy one. They look like they are doing so well putting up with you, and trying to help you, and this allows them to show others how good they are, making it harder for you to tell others what’s really happening, and get the help you need. It helps them with their smear campaigns against you when you do break free.
They use mind games and manipulate to draw emotions and reactions from you, if you become, upset, distraught, angry, annoyed or frustrated, because of the mind games the narcissist is playing, they are just enjoying the emotional reactions and attention they are getting from you.
They believe they are above everybody else, and they feel entitled to do as they please and do not have the emotional empathy to care for the effects it has on others, so with all their mind games, it often ends up leaving you upset, angry, hurt and confused, it gives them the power to control you and makes them feel powerful.
If they feel criticised in any way, they use mind games to defend themselves from criticism or accusations, and they will deny, blame shift, deflect and project, it benefits them by confusing you, also protecting themselves from and accountability, avoidance of the problems. As most are lacking in cognitive reflection skills if not all narcissists are lacking in this thinking ability, they can not look back and reflect on what they have done, so never learn from their own mistakes or errors of judgment to them, it’s always someone else’s fault and never their own.
They want to exhaust you, so you can no longer think clearly and have less resistance, so you can not work out what they are doing, also, so you give in to their demands. When you have anxiety, CPTSD, feeling depressed, coming down with illness after illness, you become weak and it’s much easier when you’re exhausted, for the narcissist to apply further manipulation and get their needs met, when exhausted we are less able to think clearly, we give in easier to their truths, just to try and end the emotional pain, as we are in such devastating emotional turmoil, and they take further control over our minds and our lives, to sink us further under.
Mental abuse is harder for people to see what’s happening than physical abuse, mental abuse is harder to recover from as you often don’t see it until your mindset has been reprogrammed in such a way, it takes a long time to, un program all the manipulation,
A bruise is a bruise and raises questions. Mind games the narcissist can deflect it back onto you. If you break an arm or have a black eye, you can carry on with most Day to day activities, mind games grind you down, to the point you struggle to think straight, find it difficult to get on with day to day living.
To plan for the future, so when they discard you, or you work out what they are and leave, they can label you like the crazy one, the mind games give you a confused, hazy state of mind, that it makes it easier for them during the smear campaign against you. That your behaviour demonstrates to others that you are the crazy one. There are very few people that can protect themselves from the narcissist mind games in the correct way, most are left dazed, trauma bonded, and at the end of their tether, appearing to others as crazy.
If you take them to court or call the police, they can act as the calm, reasonable one, while you look crazy.
Because of your empathy, you are more suspectable, to manipulation, because of your traits of honesty, kindness, sympathy, willingness to forgive, keenness to help others and to understand. Wanting the truth and emotional responses, you will also try harder, to change and please, believing it’s because of something you did. With the help of the never-ending narcissist twisting of words.
Those who are not as able to manipulate the narcissist who has less control of their rage will also use physical violence, from pulling hair, strangling you and much more, those on the higher end of the spectrum are more calculated in what they do and are far less likely to use physical violence, they will rarely use violence that leaves marks.￼
Putting your own reality back in, creating distance from them so you can begin to think for yourself again, will help you recover from this mental tourtière.
You can, and you will recover from this.
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Cognitive dissonance video for more information.
Why a narcissist can not compromise video.
How to not argue with a narcissist.
Detach Your thoughts