Why will a narcissist not leave you alone?
Most often when a narcissist had discarded us, it’s a harrowing experience, working through the pain and lightbulb moments of the past, while working on our future, working on our doubts, overcoming the trauma bond. Yet the narcissist keeps reappearing, either with their hurtful games or trying to suck us back in. So why when they discard, or when we leave them will they not just leave us alone? Why do they continue to hurt us? And why do they try to win us back?
1. The narcissist’s arrogance. When we end the relationship, it’s not to hurt them. It’s because we’ve hit the point where we can no longer take been thrown off the boat for them to pull us back up blame us and throw us back overboard to lift us back up and blame us, we realise as hard as it is, that our comfort zone is not comfortable. We need to face the pain of leaving, as the pain of staying will be worse in the long run, that we are worth more, we often feel guilty that we can not help them, that we have to block them. With a narcissist they discard because they see something they believe to be better, however when the narcissist repeats the same cycle with the new that they did with you, the narcissist is arrogant, conceited, excessively proud of themselves and believes that no one would refuse them, that they believe they can reappear to pick you up from where they left off as and when they please, they might use flattery, they might future fake to pull you back in or offer that false apology. Every time we take them back, their treatment of us gets worse as they become more self-opinionated in their sense of importance to you, believing they can do as they please and you’ll still take them back.
2. Envy, if we refuse their advances, if we end the relationship, when we move on with our lives, they‘ll not leave us alone as a form of punishment. This depends on the narcissist, some fragile narcissists will be a lot quicker in leaving you alone for fear of denting their ego, the grandiose are most likely but not always going to try and punish you. When a narcissist feels like we’ve questioned their authority, this causes them criticism, which causes them to feel angry, thus seeking revenge on us—often resulting in a full-blown smear campaign due to the narcissist’s jealousy and envy.
3. Preoccupied with power and success, as a narcissist is all about control. They can throw almighty tantrums when they feel like they’re losing control of someone else’s mind, they want what they believe they’re entitled to have. When we take our power back and walk away from them, this criticism to the narcissist‘s power and control over us dents their pride, so they seek to either win us back, as they prefer to love bomb and be admired. Still, they will also use the smear campaign to hurt us, to try and destroy us any way they can, in the hope they get that attention from us, they prefer positive, but as a last resort will take negative, especially when they are out for revenge.
4. The belief they are special. The belief that they are special and even though they’ll have devalued and discarded many times, they believe that they are still the best you’ve ever had, when we go back, this confirms that belief within them, and when we no longer go back, this questions their belief, so they have to try and win us back to prove they are special or hurt us as punishment for questioning their uniqueness and walking away. They want to gain their power and control over us. If they can not control through their admiration face and love bombing, they’ll try to control through their envious face, through envy and placing fear into us, of what they might do next. They want to emphasise just how much control they believe they have over us and that we should just go back when they please. They learned all our strengths and weaknesses. They know all our flaws and insecurities. They will use the things we care for the most as these are what we’ll most passionately defend, or they’ll use what we’re insecure about to get us to hide away, to prove to themselves that they are special, and that they are superior, by either winning someone back or taking someone down.
5. Grandiosity, because they have an unrealistic view of themselves, believing they are superior, as they invested their time in love bombing, idealising, devaluing, they believe they are in control. You walking away questions their grandiose view that they are better than all others, and there’s just no way you could live without them. Narcissists exploit people to meet their own need. They believe they should have certain benefits from others with minimal effort.
6. Lack of empathy. They lack the compassion to care for how their behaviour affects you. They lack the guilt or remorse to care for your feelings. They only care about getting their needs met. Even if we beg or plead with them to leave us alone they don’t care, those with empathy and feelings such as sympathy, guilt, compassion and remorse, those who respect others would leave you alone, as a narc lacks these and feels entitled to do what they want when they want, they feel entitled to be a part of your life any way they can as and when they choose. Even people seeking revenge because they feel scorned would feel bad and leave you alone. However, a narcissist sees no reason to leave you alone, just because you asked, only when they feel their needs are not being met, why things like limited contact, no contact, no reaction are our best line of defence. The narcissist does not care for the pain they cause those around them. They don’t care if they’ve upset someone, they view that as your fault not theirs, and when they intend to hurt you, by you saying “you’ve upset me, you’ve hurt me, you’ve made me feel angry, you’re mean, I feel sad.” This gives our power to them, they know they can control how we feel, they know what pushes our buttons, and this is when you might see that smirk. That look of contempt as they got one over on us by hurting us.
7. Entitlement. Their significant sense of entitlement means they believe they are entitled to do as they want with who they want whenever they want, no questions asked, or they seek to devalue those who dare ask the questions, if you question their entitlement they might come after you until you fawn to their requirements, of if you stick with no contact, no reaction, Grey rock, eventually, they get bored and make up excuses of how you’re useless until then, they’ll most likely project onto you, to bait you into a reaction. Once they have that reaction, they’ll use it against you in their smear campaign.
8. Requires special attention. If they’re not getting the attention, they believe they’re entitled they will go all out, to gain that attention any way they can, from discarding in cruel ways, to smear campaigns and to hoover you back in.
To get a narcissist to leave us alone, we must leave them alone.
When their pride and ego has been dented, when they feel like we’ve questioned their authority over us by walking away, is often when they’ll not leave us alone, the more we play their games, the more we react, the more they’ll continue to hurt us. We have to gain control of our emotions. Our reactions and no longer supply the narcissist, so they get nothing from us and leave us alone.
There are hurt people who help people. Then there are hurt people who hurt people, those who hurt you, you can not help them, you can not save them, they have to recognise their own behaviour and help themselves. You can help both them and you by safely walking away and no longer playing into their manipulative games.
Use their behaviour to learn how to handle your emotions the right way, to learn what your beliefs and values are and how to set those boundaries, to learn how you don’t want to be treated, to learn how to talk to yourself the right way, the love you tried to give them to help them, give to yourself to heal you.
No one deserves to be abused. However, we have a choice to either accept their abusive ways, to feel sorry for ourselves, to question why is this happening to me? Which keeps us unwittingly trapped within the cycle, or we can use it for what is this teaching me? What can I do to make my life happier.
We have to move away from the why is this happening to me. We have to move away from seeking revenge.
Normal feelings such as, resentment which is a feeling of disgust or a feeling of disappointment towards someone who has wronged us in some way.
The feeling of anger which is an intense emotional state that narcissists can provoke within us, as anger is our emotional response towards someone who’s threatened, exploited, or hurt us in some way.
The feeling of rage, which is an uncontrolled anger often resulting in us giving a hostile response.
These are all normal emotional feelings that narcissistic people can provoke within us, and can cause us to want to seek revenge.
Revenge is the conscious action to seek to damage or inflict harm on someone that’s inflicted damage or harm on us.
Karma, to know a person’s past caught up with them, so they can understand the pain they caused, to balance the scale.
Narcissists act on this anger and rage, often becoming obsessive in seeking revenge for things we haven’t done, for things they believe questions their beliefs that’s they believing they are superior and entitlement.
For us, the best revenge is learning to let go of any anger or resentment as those emotions are what keep us locked in our painful past, preventing us from moving on. At the same time, we seek revenge, they still have control over our emotions, while we give reactions, they still have control over our feelings.
It’s not easy to let go and move on, but it’s worth it. You’re worth it. This doesn’t mean their treatment of you was ok. This means your worth more. It means you’re taking back your power and your control. The best way to move on is by creating and living your best life.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with (Sponsored.) BetterHelp. Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.