A narcissist reality holds a big gap between their reality and actual reality.
The reality they want to believe within themselves is often the one they lead those around them into believing.
They often come across as very confident people who have achievements they receive attention for, heightening that belief within them that they are special, or they are very shy individuals that believe they deserve more. Still, the whole world is against them, because they are so special the world seems to bring them down.
We can admire and look up to those grandiose narcissists, and we can feel bad and want to help those vulnerable narcissists without realising their intentions are to exploit us for who we are and what we have.
A narcissist often has a very fragile ego and very fragile self-worth, which they like to keep hidden often from themselves as well as those around them, any issues they have to the narcissist will always be someone else’s fault, those who admit to past trauma do so to pull us in because we can empathise and want to help them, without realising they want to sink us. Once we understand what’s happening, or start to wake from their reality, we are often in so deep, and it’s a struggle to get back out.
With a narcissist, they don’t see any issues within themselves only those around them, any insecurities, shortcomings, any mistakes they make or any failings the narcissist will either deny, project or blame shift onto those around them. Projection is their defence mechanism to protect themselves from their true selves and actual reality. However, they often end up believing their own version of events. Those grandiose can usually get those around them to agree, making their reality gap bigger, those vulnerable not so much, often why they resort to the passive-aggressive sulks and silent treatments, and they go into their own world trying to get others to agree with their reality.
They are very judgmental of others, either that envious face of “They must have received help.” Or when someone calls them out on their toxic behaviour, so they project with “You’re cheating.” To gaslighting, to deny, to distract from what they themselves are actually doing.
They believe they are superior and above all others, they think that they are so much smarter, especially the cerebral, or stronger, better than others, more attractive than others especially the somatic, even on the lower end of the spectrum that deeply insecure vulnerable narcissist, who just never understands why their reality isn’t as it should be. They don’t get why people don’t see it from their point of view, their reality.
No matter where they are on the spectrum, a narcissist is not going to be held accountable for their own negative actions, as they believe, that those around them cause their own problems. However, the narcissist’s problems are caused by those around them, that criticism of their false reality if you were to question them often means they seek revenge, they are hurt people who wish to hurt people and deep down the good majority are hurting and insecure, screaming out for attention any way they can. This will never excuse their behaviour. Many hurt people choose to help people.
Their idealisation stage with their grandiose act to gain that admiration, and as their reality is often off, yet they believe in their reality, so their lies are often their truths, however, when someone is questioning that reality, their grandiosity, their superiority, they can then begin those smear campaigns, they prefer positive attention. Still, they’re not going to let someone get the better of them, as they believe they are entitled and as they lack the empathy to care, it’s all about them being in and staying in control.
With a narcissist when they have a low moment a bad day when they reality gap seems to be closing in on them, they will point out what’s wrong with others feel better within themselves, often they bring those around them down to raise themselves up.
They can own a very nice car, yet if someone comes along in a vehicle, they Perceive to be nicer than theirs, it’ll be “They got an inheritance.” Instead of being pleased for another, and work hard to achieve for themselves, instead of recognising they’d like that, they’ll often purposefully sabotage the car. Instead of working hard to achieve something they’d like, which would require hard work, drive and determination, a growth mindset, they’ed prefer to drag other people down for a quick fix, to feel better about themselves, then quickly project, blame shift. “If they hadn’t.” So the narcissist can escape any feelings of shame. They will exploit others to meet their own needs. Often why they think others exploit them, however when a narcissist exploits someone and gains from it, as they feel entitled, and lack the empathy to care, they believe it’s the other person fault, and that person got what they deserved.
Whatever hobby they do, is usually someone else’s, as they mirror those around them to pass personalities off as their own. Anything they do, they believe they are the best. If they don’t win, the other team cheated, if they don’t get the job, then the job was beneath them anyway.
Those at the lower end of the spectrum achieve their goals by being aggressive and rude, putting fear into others, or they play the victim and guilt-trip those around them to meet a need of their own.
Those on the upper end of the spectrum can be aggressive but on a much more planned, more calculated way, often getting flying monkey and enablers to do their work for them so that they can escape accountability, and they’ll still play the victim if needed.
The somatic will use their looks to pull others down, the cerebral will use their intellect, the grandiose plays the hero, the vulnerable the victim, and they can all cross over to meet their own need.
Those on the lower end of the spectrum, as they still feel entitled and superior to others go through life doing as little as possible and taking as much as possible, They believe they are entitled to do as they please, take whatever they want, no one is allowed to stand in their way if someone does, they will often seek some form of revenge. Wearing the same designer clothing, that they think speaks to others for how wealthy they are, even if it was all purchased for them by the ex they exploited until they can find a new to buy them some more, how we see clothes is our own unique individual taste. If people want to wear jeans, tracksuits, trousers, skirts whatever people want to wear is for themselves. Narcissistic people tend to believe it shows to others just how important they are. They will put those around them down, about how they dress so that they can feel better within themselves, They may not work at all, to avoid maintenance payments, as they don’t believe that should financially provide for their children. They twist this any way they can to make the parent who does provide look bad for feel guilty for asking, in reality, no one should have to ask a parent to take responsibility for their own child, more often than not, you’ll have to ask a narcissist so they can feel special, and they’ll find a way to put you down, invalidating you for trying to provide for your child, they expect you to, but they believe they’re above this and shouldn’t have to, some will and they’ll also use this against you. If they do work, they are the best at their job. The only reason they’ll not get promoted will be someone else’s fault. When in reality, it’s because they’re too lazy to work harder and earn a promotion.
They will never see their own inadequacies, and live in a reality world that they have achieved more and deserve more than all others if they haven’t, then that, will be someone else’s fault.
The ones in the middle of the spectrum, they may well have a great education, great jobs, excellent incomes, music or sporting achievements, they will often have everyone around them fooled and be more the grandiose narcissist so their arrogance often mistaken for confidence means they can be very well-liked, they can even be admired for their accomplishments, which they will brag. They will boost, and they will exaggerate. This often means in one way their reality gaps not as big as they can have the lifestyle to match what they believe they’re entitled to. However, it’s also greater as their insecurities are still there, so they’ll always be on the lookout for more, and for perfection. In one way they’re looking to fill that void of love, in the wrong way, as they’re looking the wrong places they never make it. They will bring loved ones down when they feel criticism, and they will believe it’s the fault of the loved one. Therefore they will gaslight, the silent treatment and guilt trip, to strip those around them of their reality and to keep hold of their own, not realising they lose people because they hurt people, they believe others hurt them. So these can have the most significant reality gap, out of all other narcissists on the spectrum, they will demand help and support from others with those random sulks brought on because they have the odd moment of seeing real reality before they shut it down and go back into their false world full of negativity to others, manipulation and lies. The shortfall of what they are and what they want often has a massive blow to their own ego.
Those higher functioning narcissists on the higher end of the spectrum that have often exploited their way to the top as they have a greater underlying on how to manipulate people in the right way for their own gain without getting caught, those with the high powered jobs, the cars, the suits, the homes and the holidays. As they have a lack of empathy meaning no sense of remorse, as they are full of self-entitlement, because of their achievements this then emphasis to their ego and their reality that they are above all others, no matter who they are or what they achieve, even those who have done exceptionally well for themselves it is still not enough, they need more, they still believe their own reality that they are entitled to everything they have, they still believe they deserve so much more.
People on the narcissist personality disorder spectrum do live in reality, the false reality that they are entitled, above all others and worth more than they are, with a lack in empathy to care for the thoughts or feelings to others in how they get their needs met. All others are to blame for their own faults.
Happiness always comes from within, we have a nation of hurt people, trying to help people to heal their inner pain and find their inner happiness, those who are kind to others, humble within their achievements, learning from mistakes.
Then we have hurt people, who hurt people, feel a need to destroy those around them to feel better within themselves, not realising; this only makes them feel worse.
Often a narcissist gets worse with age due to the ever-widening reality gap.
Their gap in reality of how their behaviour hurts and harms others, and often ends up driving those who care about them away, however bad life gets for them. They’ll never see it as their fault they’ll still blame it on others.
A narcissist can only show that admiration face for so long, when your feelings feel off about someone, that’s when it’s time to go, the reality the narcissists wishes to sell to others, no matter how much they try to hide the gap, they envious face will show, you can not help them as they do not see themselves as the problem, to them all their problems are because of you and based on that if you want to help them, therefore you can help them and you by walking away from them.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Don’t argue with a narcissist.