Overcoming narcissist abuse by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Narcissists are pathological liars, they lie so much, most of them believe their own lies, which make them all the more convincing in what they say. They bring out the worst in those around them, use other people up then leave them at rock bottom.
Knowledge becomes power, so here are some of the most common things narcissistic people do, so you can learn how not to get sucked into their games anymore and leave a happier life.
Most people are born very self-centred, young children especially can turn from young cute and loveable, to massive temper tantrums when they don’t get their own way, some children will show empathy for others yet if they really want something they take it. When a child takes a toy of another, it’s acceptable as part of growing up, we teach them the art of sharing, as when they are older of they grow up to take someone’s car or home this is wrong. They learn as they grow to think of others feelings, to share, the art of give and take, respect for others.
Narcissist seems to never learn these things and become stuck in an ultimately selfish self-centred pattern of all about me. They don’t learn the skills of empathy and believe they are above all others and entitled to do as they please. They are selfish grown adults who only care for getting their own way and their own wants and needs met, you are not required to support them, help them, or be there for them, they no longer have a nappy to change and even if they did they’ed never change it themselves, they only ever change to suit a need never to truly be a good person.
- No empathy or an extremely low level of empathy, most just fake empathy to meets a need. Empathy is needed as our human need for uncertain/ variety means we are all unique with different opinions, perspective and interpretations. Empathy is needed so when people do differ on opinions we can step into each other’s shoes and see it from another’s point of view, we can also feel how something might harm or hurt and other so wouldn’t do it. We all make mistakes but our Guilt would mean we wouldn’t do it again, narcissistic people don’t feel guilt only shame, so the project onto others to avoid shame. People with empathy can have boundaries and standards and also be strong-willed about their own beliefs, yet they will get others opinions and point of view and come to some form of compromise or agree to disagree, whereas a narcissist only sees their own point of view and wants to win. They don’t care for what others think or feel, it’s only ever about them, if you think differently to them you are wrong. Living with a narcissist you are constantly under stress, always feeling misunderstood and always told just how wrong you are.
- They have a need for control, most people have a need for control it’s called certainty, we have a purpose we like to have some organisation within our lives. Narcissist use words like, can’t, have to, must, need to, got to and many more, they take the need for certainty and turn it into a need for ultimate control that’s all about them. They know how their life should go and if it isn’t going that way it’s either up to you to work it out and make it that way, or it’s all your fault it didn’t turn out how it was supposed to. As they don’t even know what they want, believing they want to control a need they’ll never fulfil a long term, they follow the same patterns time and time again. To keep control they can be stubborn. Awkward, persistent, nasty, use manipulation like gaslighting, provoking you, blame shifting, silent treatments, pity plays, anger and rage, to fear others to conform to their demands.
- They believe they are above all others and are entitled to do as they want. To fill their human need for significance they believe they are special, whereas people with good hearts fill significance in a positive way by helping others and feeling good for helping others, serving others actually helps good people feel good, adding value to others helps people feel good in a positive way. Narcissists are extremely negative people, this is because it’s only ever about them and they fill their needs negatively. They will tell you how amazing they are, what an excellent parent they are, or they’ll play the victim so they get attention and feel significant. They believe they are far superior to all others.
- They are extremely manipulative and exploitive, which is often hard to see at first, as they deep down are insecure they need to lie and exaggerate and send people under into a trance so those around them believe they are who they say they are. Believe they are good people and look up to them, so they can keep power and control over others. If you don’t do exactly what they want to do, if you criticise them most often without meaning to or knowing, they take it personally and will make your life miserable. They’ll punish people any way they can for not conforming to their demands, they triangulate, they’ll pity play, they will ware you down at all costs to your mental, physical and financial health in order to keep control over you. They use cohesion and manipulation so good People give in to try and get a peaceful happy life.
- They are unable to take on board other thoughts or opinions, whereas a good person if some came and said I need to talk about something that hurt my feelings good people listen, take on board opinions and advice, they might not adapt it to their own, yet they’ll listen and understand from your point of view. Meeting our need for growth, willing to take information in and grow from it. To become better happier people. A narcissist can never grow in that way, why they just hit the repeat buttons in their cycles of behaviour, they are therefore unable to grow and change, so they change the person they are with to repeat the same story’s they have throughout their lives. Narcissists believe they are above all others, therefore they believe you are beneath them and they’ve no need to listen to you. They will say you are in the wrong and they’ll twist it all around onto you, passing their faults into your subconscious, leaving you doubting yourself, and eventually going to them for reality as they’ve slowly stripped your thoughts and feelings away so you no longer know who you are. They can be extremely defensive. Extremely harsh and extremely hurtful. The narcissist doesn’t like to listen unless they believe they have something to gain by doing so.
- They live in their own reality with no regard for others, they tell that many lies most believe their own lies and believe you are the one to blame, they have a way with manipulative words to gaslight you into losing your reality and taking on there’s, so you no longer Believe you are good enough, from the ” if you hadn’t I wouldn’t.” Covert way to the overt way of ” you’re just stupid.” Repeated time and time again so your subconscious believes it. Or you’ll be having normal conversations with them and they’ll say “that’s not how it happened.” Even though you know it is through all the gaslighting of “you’re losing your mind.” You doubt yourself and your reality. Even when you have evidence, they’ll say your wrong, misunderstood, it wasn’t them, they’ve been set up, fly into a rage or the silent treatment, then blame you for the rage, or wait for you to overanalyse the silent treatment blame yourself chase them and apologise to them, leaving you even more confused and drained, the more drained and confused you get the easier it is for them to manipulate you.
- They believe you are there to serve them, as they are only with you to meet their own needs, they don’t understand give and take they only take, they invalidate your emotions, your thoughts, your Perspectives, your feelings, your opinions, to them it’s doing things my way or I’ll hit the highway and take you into a living nightmare in the process.
- They play nice. Again to meet a need of their own, they bring on the charm and helpfulness, again so you doubt yourself and believe it was all your fault after all, while you are meeting all their needs they will play nice, as soon as there is any indifference their true selves show again. When you say no the tantrums come out and they manipulate any way they can to get you to conform to their demands, they will them provoke and push your buttons to get reactions from you, so you feel as you’re to blame and do all you can through guilt to make it up to them, they confirm this subconscious thought pattern by bringing out their nice side, making you believe it was you. You then turn into someone you don’t want to be and slowly lose who you truly are.
It’s not your fault, they are cruel, calculated and abusive, no one deserves that treatment from anyone, you can and you will recover from this. They will just hit the repeat button.