Overcoming Narcissist Abuse, By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and they do need to have at least five traits to have the disorder, these are.
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.
2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.
3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.
4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.
5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.
6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.
7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.
8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.
9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.
We all have some narcissism within us, people can be successful and if they don’t exploit others, or they have genuine empathy for people, they are most likely not a narcissist. Someone can be filled with self-worth and self-love, that inner confidence shines out, yet if they are not exploiting others, and have empathy, they are most likely not a narcissist.
Two great people can come together and just not work together, bringing the negative sides out within each other, nothing wrong with you or them, and sometimes working on communication can help people with this, unless you’re dealing with a narcissist, yes you can communicate with a narcissist, they can hear what you are saying, as to them listening and taking on board advice, all depends if it matches with their thinking, their opinions, their wants and needs, if it does you’ll be good to them, if it doesn’t matter they’ll see you as bad.
Another way a narcissist manipulates people, through triangulation, arguments or financial abuse, to stop you from going out.
They might have convinced you to stop working and give you little to no money, or they might have you working while they spend all your money, so you simply can not afford to go out.
Before you go out, they might lie that you’d not told them, or that you said you’d do something with them. That they’ve made a nice meal for the both of you and it’s not fair on them, or that you’re dressed inappropriately, start to quiz you on cheating, then accuse you of cheating, so you start to defend yourself, whatever they can use to manipulate you into feeling guilty and stop in. Some people who have anxiety or CPTSD, might also do this, yet they should be able to communicate reasons as to why they have this fear, narcissistic people will either take you off-topic or lie about their past.
They put fear into you, so because you live in that fear of what will happen before you go out, even if it’s just to the gym, or nipping to the shops, fear of going home, you may end up going into fawn mode ( which is a survival mechanism fawn, which it to comply with the attacker to protect yourself.) so many people stop going out in the first place. Narcissists can do this by bringing up the past, not just bringing it up, but it’s also how they use it too. To use a method to deflect your attack against them, denying what you’re saying and shifting all blame onto you, they bring up the past for lots of manipulative reasons, with stopping you socialising, or through triangulation, this can isolate you from friends and family.
If it’s a parent, this is purely down to the fact they do not enjoy your growing independence. ( some parents who haven’t got the traits of a narcissist, are just older and wiser and will not manipulate you into not going out, they’ll just be certain things where they care for your best interests.) narcissistic parents will guilt trip you, or keep you busy with chores if you work they’ll make sure you have to pay your way so you can not afford to go out.
With a partner in the beginning during the idolisation period, the narcissist perhaps gave you a lift to meet friends, would pick you up, this is to manipulate you, as you lived that reality when they were helpful and supportive, so when they change the game it causes cognitive dissonance and you then believe you are the reason behind the arguments and whey they don’t want you to go, often you end staying in to avoid arguments, as you move out of the idolisation period, they are allowed to do as they please, while you slowly no longer have a social life. They may say. “I don’t trust that friend of yours, and I have great intuition about people.” Or “ I don’t like them, they just use you.” Triangulation to divide and conquer, leaving you losing your trust and confidence in what your friends think about you, as the narcissist was so kind and helpful in the beginning you believe the narcissist to have your best interests at heart, unaware they are slowly taking control of your mind, your friends, your life and your reality.
They can always bring up a past wrong that you committed.
They will bring things up that happened months or years ago, which we find very strange as things or events we ask about you get the. “That never happened.” Or “ you know what my memory is like.” That’s because they like to play with your mind accuse you of lying and making things up. Leaving you to question reality.
Anything that’s happened that they can bring up to use against you they will.
You organise to go out without friends, and it might have been organised months in advance, you have a fantastic time, when you arrive home late, you’ve already messaged to inform you’ll be late, when you walk through the door, they fly into a rage, you end up apologising and asking if they got your message and it will all be in vain, they bring up the past of the last time you was late in from work, and they had to cook their own tea, or order take out with your money.
As you believe them to be unfair as you messaged to let them know you’d be late, so your own beliefs and reality is telling you the truth, yet as they will bring up the fact and play on your empathy and caring nature, that you were late six months ago, they will turn this into an argument of how you are lying. You might bring up the fact that they are late every week and that you hardly ever go out, yet you don’t bring that up unless you’re trying to defend yourself. You might remind them that you messaged four times last week because you were concerned, they might have sulked of on a silent treatment game on you. You’ll get. “ I told you I needed space, and I explained I’d forgotten my charger, so I had no power to get in touch with you.”
If you try to change the subject, they will class it as criticism, and they want to get more reactions from you. Anything you say, will be used and twisted against you, they will lie about things you’ve done in the past saying. “You need help, your losing your memory.” All the gaslighting to keep you confused and trapped within their world, their lies and their reality.
You start to struggle to remember if it actually happened, or if they’re making it up, you know they’re making it up, but with the way in which they do this, it leaves you with more self-doubt and more confusion within your own mind.
When you bring things up, those on the lower end of the spectrum and some in the middle. Actually, don’t remember the event as to them, it’s irrelevant. Or if they do remember it. They remember it as you were to blame because of course, they can not reflect, they have already re-written history as to what they want to believe, their own reality, and as they feel superior, they think they’re always right, a narcissist is never accountable, so the blame is always shifted onto you, you to them are simply lying. They rewrite history, and they believe it.
They always have to be in control and will do anything to remain in control.
They might admit something they did in a moment if it meets a need, then deny it a couple of days later, when you bring this up, they will deny that they ever admitted to it, as their needs got met and they changed the story to suit them, just to manipulate and confuse you some more.
Those on the higher end of the spectrum or narcissistic sociopaths know they want to control, know they’re twisting it and manipulate you, they do things with extremely calculation.
They bring up the past for all sorts of things to deflect onto you, and this is what they do to start separating you from your support network, of friend and family.
Not all narcissist will stop people from going out, so would prefer you to work, pay the bills, some prefer you out of the way.
If you’re still with them journaling helps through the gaslighting, so you can look back and know your own truths, if you are out and no contact or grey rock, again writing it out to understand what actually happened and putting your reality back in. Learning all about who you are and behaviour you will and will not accept from others in the future.
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Video on cognitive dissonance.