The narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and they do need to have at least five traits to have the disorder, these are.
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. Exaggerating achievements and talents.
2. Preoccupied with ultimate success. Lives in a fantasy world of power, control, dominance, brilliance.
3. Superiority. Believing they are special and above all others.
4. Entitled. Feels entitled to have all their own needs met, demanding, manipulative and controlling.
5. Excessive admiration. A constant need for excessive admiration.
6. Exploits others. Takes advantage and manipulates others to get their own needs met.
7. Lack of empathy. Can not truly connect with how others are feeling.
8. Envious and jealous. Hate people who have something they want, also believing others are envious of them.
9. Arrogant. An exaggerated sense of their own abilities and behaviours.
We all have some narcissism within us. People can be successful, if they don’t exploit others, if they have genuine empathy for people, work hard and don’t feel entitled, they are most likely not a narcissist, just someone preoccupied with success. Someone can be filled with self-worth and self-love, that inner confidence shines out, yet if they are not exploiting others, have empathy if they don’t go around pulling others down, if they raise others up, they are most likely not a narcissist.
Two great people can come together and just not work together, bringing the negative sides out within each other, nothing wrong with you or them, and sometimes working on communication can help people with this unless you’re dealing with a narcissist, yes you can communicate with a narcissist, they can hear what you are saying, as to them listening and taking on board advice, all depends if it matches with their way of thinking, their opinions, their wants and their needs if it does you’ll be useful to them if it doesn’t they’ll see you as going against them.
They might have convinced you to stop working and give you little to no money, or they might have you working while they spend all your money, so you simply can not afford to go out.
Before you go out, they might lie that you’d not told them, or that you said you’d do something with them. That they’ve made a nice meal for the both of you and it’s not fair on them, to make you feel guilty and obligated to stay in, or they’ll claim that you’re dressed inappropriately, start to quiz you on cheating, accuse you of cheating, so you start to defend yourself, whatever they can use to manipulate you into feeling guilty and stop in. Some people who have anxiety or CPTSD might also do this. Yet, they should be able to communicate reasons as to why they have this fear, and narcissistic people will either take you off-topic or lie about their past, and most often find a way to accuse you of being in the wrong, taking no responsibility for their own behaviour.
They put fear into you, so because you live in that fear of what will happen before you go out, even if it’s just to the gym, or nipping to the shops, or fear of going home, you may end up going into fawn mode which is a part survival mechanism, which is to unwittingly comply with the abuser to protect yourself. So many people stop going out in the first place. Narcissists can do this by bringing up the past, not just bringing it up, but it’s also how they use it too. To use a method to deflect your attack against them, denying what you’re saying and shifting all blame onto you, they bring up the past for lots of manipulative reasons, with stopping you socialising, or through triangulation, this can isolate you from friends and family. They have a selective memory when it comes to the past. They can remember anything that will help with their emotional abuse, pity plays, guilt trips, to control you. However, they forget anything that could work against them, gaslighting you into downplaying their toxic behaviour, while projecting it into you, exaggerating anything they can use against you. Hence, you feel ashamed, and you feel your to blame, for the very things the narcissist has actually done to you.
If it’s a parent, this is purely because they do not enjoy your growing independence. ( some parents who haven’t got the traits of a narcissist, are just older and wiser and will not manipulate you into not going out, they’ll only be certain things where they care for your best interests.) narcissistic parents will guilt trip you, or keep you busy with chores if you work they’ll make sure you have to pay your way so you can not afford to go out.
With a partner in the beginning during the idealisation period, the narcissist perhaps gave you a lift to meet friends, would pick you up, this is to manipulate you, as you lived that reality when they were helpful and supportive, so when they change the game it causes cognitive dissonance. You then believe you are the reason behind the arguments whey they don’t want you to go. Often you end staying in to avoid arguments, as you move out of the idealisation period, they are allowed to do as they please, while you slowly no longer have a social life. They may say. “I don’t trust that friend of yours, and I have great intuition about people.” Or “ I don’t like them, they just use you.” Triangulation to divide and conquer, leaving you losing your trust and confidence in what your friends think about you, as the narcissist was so kind and helpful in the beginning you believe the narcissist to have your best interests at heart, unaware they are slowly devaluing you, taking control of your mind, your friends, your life and your reality.
They can always bring up a past wrong that you committed.
They will bring things up that happened months or years ago, which we find very strange as things or events we ask about them we get the gaslighting. “That never happened.” Or “ you know what my memory is like.” That’s because they like to play with your mind accuse you of lying and making things up. Leaving you to question your reality.
Anything that’s happened that they can bring up to use against you they will.
You can organise to go out without friends. It might have been scheduled months in advance. You have a fantastic time when you arrive home late, you’ve already messaged to inform you’ll be late when you walk through the door, they fly into a rage, you end up apologising and asking if they got your message. Or they’ll fall silent. You can beg and plead, it will all be in vain, as they will push you into a state of emotional despair,￼ they bring up the past of the last time you were late in from work. They had to cook their own tea, or order take out often with your money, they will keep pushing until you react, feel bad for your reactions and work harder to make it up to them, for the very manipulative things they’re doing to you.
You believe them to be unfair as you messaged to let them know you’d be late, so your own beliefs and reality is telling you the truth. Yet, as they will bring up the fact and play on your emotions such as guilt, that you don’t care for them, they will turn this into an argument of how you are lying. They’ll claim they don’t want to argue, then they’ll create an almighty argument, that they’ll blame you for.
You might bring up the fact that they go out all the time, they are late every week and that you hardly ever go out, as you’re trying to get them to understand, trying to defend yourself, remind them that when you message them because you are concerned, they don’t reply, so you’re the one left feeling obsessed as they play never-ending mind games with your emotions, they might have sulked of on a silent treatment game on you. You’ll get. “ I told you I needed space, and I explained I’d forgotten my charger, so I had no power to get in touch with you.” more lies to cover their tracks of the things they do to you, as their excuses sound reasonable we often overlook their toxic behaviour and question our reactions.
If you try to change the subject to avoid an argument, they will class it as criticism, and they want to get more reactions from you. Anything you say, will be used and twisted against you, they will lie about things you’ve done in the past saying. “You need help, your losing your memory.” All the gaslighting to keep you confused and trapped within their world, their lies and their reality. However, as they are the self-entitled hypocrite, if catch them on something they can not lie or deny their way out of, they will change the subject on you.
As all their manipulation beings to exhausted you, you can then begin struggling to remember if it actually happened, or if they’re making it up, you know they’re making it up. Still, with the way in which they do this, it leaves you with more self-doubt and more confusion within your own mind.
When you bring things up, those on the lower end of the spectrum and some in the middle. Actually, don’t remember the event as to them, it’s irrelevant. Or if they do remember it. They recognise it as you were to blame because, of course, they can not reflect, they have already re-written history as to what they want to believe, their own reality. As they feel superior, they think they’re always right. A narcissist is never accountable, so the blame is always shifted onto you, you to them are simply lying. They rewrite history, and they believe it.
They always have to be in control and will do anything to remain in control.
They might admit something they did in a moment if it meets a need, then deny it a couple of days later, when you bring this up, they will deny that they ever admitted to it, as their needs got met and they changed the story to suit them, just to manipulate and confuse you some more.
Those on the higher end of the spectrum or narcissistic sociopaths know they want to control, know they’re twisting it and manipulate you, they do things with extremely calculation.
They bring up the past for all sorts of things to deflect onto you, and this is what they do to start separating you from your support network, of friend and family.
Not all narcissist will stop people from going out. Some would prefer you to work, pay the bills, some prefer you out of the way.
If you’re still with them journaling helps through the gaslighting, so you can look back and know your own truths, if you are out and no contact or grey rock, again writing it out to understand what actually happened and putting your reality back in. Learning all about who you are and behaviour you will and will not accept from others in the future.
Why do narcissists like to argue?
Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.
For the full course.
For the free course.
To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.
All about the narcissist Online course.
The narcissists counter-parenting.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Video on cognitive dissonance.