With many narcissists, they like to play games to distract others from who they indeed are, to hide their intentions or their behaviour from others. Some are arrogant enough to be pleasantly proud of who they are and how they dupe people, exploit peoples kindness with a vulnerable narcissist, they put on a grand show of the perfect sob stories and pity plays.
A vulnerable covert narcissist can inflict unimaginable pain on their friends and families while guilt-tripping their flying monkeys and enables to into standing by them. They enjoy playing the victim to gain sympathy from those around them, they use the kindness, generosity, forgiving nature in those around them to exploit people into not seeing who the narcissist truly is, whilst taking whatever they can for free, holidays, homes, cars, clothing, food, and the worst part about it is their stories seem real and valid.
They will go all out on special occasions to not want families around, providing excuse after excuse, because they don’t want to share in the joy, they don’t want to spend money on their loved ones, yet they will expect a family to invite them over, and when families do the narcissist will go all out with “Are you sure? Only if I’m welcome? Only if you want me.” So you feel bad for them. Whatever gift you buy them will not be enough for them, or they’ll claim, “You shouldn’t have.”
The vulnerable covert narcissist is often far from vulnerable, they can have homes, cars, money, family that might have tired of their behaviour, yet they will dress like the homeless to play the role of the homeless to extract sympathy from strangers, to gain free food, to take clothing away from the homeless because they feel entitled to have it.
They will sit and eat your last cookie because they claimed they were hungry, then once they’ve eaten it in front of you, they’ll pull out some freshly made cookies someone baked especially for them and eat them all to themselves in front of you if you dare ask for one they’ll claim “no these were made for me.”
They are takers and never givers. They will take whatever isn’t strapped down if they believe they can get away with it or rationalise it. With many, it becomes an addiction for the dopamine rush when they achieve it. Many know right from wrong. However, they’re addicted to the wrong, the quick fix, the great escape, then the mind games and manipulation after that to get away with their behaviour.
The covert vulnerable narcissist will come at you with things such as.
“If you loved me, you would.”
“I only did that because of you.”
“Oh, I knew it would be my fault.”
“No one understands me.”
“I knew you’d take their side.”
“I don’t know why I bother.”
“I’ve had to do everything myself.”
Vulnerable narcissists are self-entitled hypocrites. They believe they deserve special attention, special privileges, or special treatment. However, they don’t believe others do. They will put on a false appearance to exploit people, often with those sob stories to gain sympathy and attention. They’ll expect others to help them through hard times. However, they’ll not be willing to help others unless they can play the “look how good I am.” To gain something in return, they will help out in the community if they can gain something in return.
Vulnerable narcissists are often incredibly envious of others, believing that others are envious of them, they will repeatedly put people down, always finding the negative in others achievements, or taking credit for others achievements, they will only offer false or insincere praise, those backhand compliments of, “congratulations I never thought you’d be able to do that.”￼
Vulnerable narcissists are exploitative as they use others for their own gains, only interested in things that suit them. However, they will have sob stories to rationalise why they can not help others if helping others doesn’t suit themselves.
They play the victim so well, sometimes to the point where they merge into that role and become depressed when the reality gap closes in, however as that depression often helps them, they use it to exploit others further.
Vulnerable narcissists are always going to shift the blame, twist the story to suit themselves.
“If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t.”
“I’m not controlling. You’re trying to control me.”
“If you would have done what I asked, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“You know what I’m like in the morning, and you should have left me alone.”
“If you’d had paid me more attention, I wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d act like this.”
“It’s not my fault your too sensitive.”
“I knew you’d blame me for your trust issues.”
“Why do you have to push my buttons.”
A vulnerable narcissist is more prone to using passive-aggressive behaviour such as the incredible sulk, the silent treatments, procrastination. Hence, people try to help them, not realise the narcissist is trying to manipulate them. They might slam doors or punch holes in walls, which of course to the narcissist will be someone’s else’s fault, the whole “you made me don’t.”
They are the very negative woe is me, which can be heartbreaking as they tell tails of woe from their hard done by childhood, only it’s not because they’re seeking help for their trauma, it’s because they’re using their past to exploit your caring nature to get their needs met in the present.
Highly sensitive to criticism, where they might start talking over you, throwing things, as they don’t want to be exposed for you they are, they want to place that fear into you, of course, they’ll still blame, shame, or guilt-trip you for their rage. “You know what I’m like if you hadn’t. I had a different past. I have no one without you.”
Vulnerable narcissists often hold many grudges. They are very resentful, believing others have all the luck, that no one cares for them, that others are privileged, they’re often very bitter, why they see no wrong in taking from others as they believe others take from them, they rationalise in their mind that others deserve the bad treatment of the narcissist and the narcissist deserves what they can steal from others.
They are incredibly selfish. They lack the empathy or consideration of others thoughts, feelings or opinions, only concerned with their own profit, gains, or happiness in exploiting another.
The vulnerable covert narcissist is committed to playing the victim’s role to get their own needs met. Some will set the stage. They’ll create the conflict or drama. They will bait others into reacting, so the narcissist can stand there with a smug look on their face and play the victim.
How to handle.
Radical acceptance that their repeat pattern of behaviour is who they are, don’t react, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so, remember you did not cause it, you can not change it, it’s who they are, the more you sympathise with them and help them, the more they’ll exploit you, you can only help those who are willing to help themselves, with a vulnerable narcissist they’re only willing to help themselves to your stuff. Limited contact and grey rock, no contact if possible, talk with those who understand the unbelievable yet real behaviour of a narcissist, work on your values and beliefs to create your boundaries, work on your thought process and the meanings you give to things, step away from those who are never there for you, only their when they need something from you.
A vulnerable narcissist will smear your name. They’ll ruin neighbours business by trying to ruin their neighbour’s reputation purely because the narcissist is envious, they smear friends, family, work colleagues, they will scapegoat people, they will gossips about people, spread half-truths, outright lies, they will slander people’s names, anything to shift the blame, shift the negative attention away from themselves gain sympathy and destroy others. All while playing the victim.
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