The narcissist lies. Why do they lie? Some examples of the most common lies they all seem to tell.
The Narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder, and people do need at least five of the nine characteristics to be on the spectrum of the disorder. Most people will lie at some point in their life, sometimes because you don’t want to hurt others’ feelings. Yet, people with empathy towards others will feel guilty and want to come clean, often leading them to avoid lying in the first place or in future. Usually, genuine people resort to white lies that protect others from hurt or pain, and narcissists resort to lies to protect themselves.
Why narcissists lie.
They believe they are always right, as a narcissist is also most likely lacking in Cognitive Reflection skills, meaning once they’ve made their truth up, their beliefs, their opinions. They can not look back and reflect. They’ve made their minds up that they are correct and all others are wrong. Narcissistic people continuously try to prove others wrong with various manipulation tactics. To a narcissist who always believes they are right, being wrong is unimaginable for them. They just can not and do not get it; they will go to extreme lengths just to prove they are right. Why there is simply no point in explaining yourself, defending yourself or arguing your position with a narcissist, they simply can not and will not see your point of view.
Being right to them is more important than others’ feelings, that with their lack of Empathy, means for us going against what a narcissist’s truth is, can lead to devastating consequences for us, sometimes why when they are Gaslighting us, they do it so convincingly that we believe them, as to them it is their reality and their truth, and they shall not be swayed.
They will go to great extremes to prove themselves right and prove you wrong—causing that Cognitive Dissonance within your mind over the mismatch of realities and beliefs that you are now living under the narcissist’s spell.
- They lie to escape accountability and protect themselves.
- They lie to get their needs met.
- They lie to play the victim and get sympathetic attention from those around them.
- They lie so they don’t suffer any consequences to their own actions.
- They lie to escape all accountability, and because they can not reflect, they believe their own lies.
- They lie to get admiration and positive attention.
- They lie to confuse you and your own reality.
- They lie to anger you and get your reactions.
- They lie to control others, and to control their reality, to get their needs met.
- They lie because their lies become their truths, as they don’t see fault within themselves in order to change themselves, blaming all others, and they believe others are at fault and others should change, not them.
Narcissistic people are often lacking in emotions such as guilt, remorse, empathy, as they live in their own reality, with their own opinions and beliefs. They may feel shame deep within themselves, which is often why they will blame others or blatantly lie that they didn’t lie.
As part of their disorder is a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement, a belief they are special and a willingness to exploit others to get their needs met. They only use others. There is nothing to stop the extent of the lies they tell.
Narcissists will adopt many lies to suit any given situation and meet their own needs, walking straight over all others and exploiting those who stand in their way; with some the number of lies they tell, they can actually end up believing their own lies to be a reality, making their lies even more convincing to others, as the lack in cognitive reflection skills to learn from the errors of their ways. Those where they know there might be consequences, they will lie to cover up their lies, through instinct to deny others’ reality and to keep denying others their reality, so people don’t take action that doesn’t suit the narcissist.
Types of lies based on the nine characteristics of the disorder.
1. Entitlement. They will lie to influence others. “I’m really looking forward to coming home to see you.” They’re not; they just want you to believe they are, to idealise you, to love bomb you, to make you feel special and loved, so you shower them with affection, attention and support. Exaggeration and manipulation “I own the ex’s house and have to pay all mortgage and bills as they’re too lazy to work, and I have to support the children.” often, they do not; they just want you to believe they are a genuine, kind, loving person, they want you to feel sorry for them, not realising they are financially abusing you, as to you they are doing the right thing by their children, in reality, they are often not paying the ex anything. They are paying you nothing. They just enjoy living rent-free in your mind and your home. As they believe they are entitled to do so. ”I would never cheat, my ex cheated on me, and I know how horrible it is.” Influencing you to trust in them, when in reality, they are telling you everything they are about to do to you as they feel entitled to lie about their past to get their needs met in the present.
2. Arrogance, When you ask them a question about something, and it can be something as simple as how was your day, down to calling them out on their behaviour, as they believe you’ve questioned their authority. They can just stay quiet, not giving you the truth, just saying nothing at all, leaving you wondering if they’re ok if you’ve hurt their feelings. They will lie by giving you the silent treatment. So you question your behaviour and work harder to please them. As they believe they are more important than you, and they are proud of their behaviour, they see it as you questioning their authority.
3. Exploit. They will lie by gaslighting, saying. “That never happened.” (When it did.) To get you to question reality, or. “I told you last week. You must be losing your mind.” They didn’t tell you anything last week. It’s all to gaslight you, so you question your own memory, causing cognitive dissonance within your mind, so you start questioning yourself; once they have you questioning your own thoughts, feelings and opinions, doubting reality and doubting yourself, it’s easier for them to manipulate and exploit you, to get their needs met.
4. Grandiose. They will lie by exaggerating the truth to make them look better than they are; any achievements they will exaggerate, as they see no problem in making themselves look better, as they believe they are better. We can mistake that arrogance for confidence, wanting to be around those who are comfortable with themselves, not understanding; it’s just their attention-seeking face, as they put the grand act on to pretend to be someone they are not.
5. Jealousy and envy. To gain attention. “They only got the promotion because they sucked up to the boss. I’m the one that works harder.” They don’t. They just want to cover for how lazy they are. “Why are you wearing that?” Some will even buy clothes for you that you wouldn’t usually wear, as they know their capabilities, and they don’t want to lose their investment until they’ve drained you.
6. Lack of empathy. They will lie to play victim to gain sympathy. They lie to use your empathy against you. “My ex treated me horribly, we are no longer together, but I’m struggling to leave because of the children.” or ”my ex is jealous and will not let me see the children.” the worst part is things like where they can not see their children could be true. They just miss out on the part they played, So pull out the parental alienation card to gain your sympathy, yet they’ll not tell you how they let the children down, messed with the children’s minds, and the other parent woke up and at all costs protected to children. As the ex is doing this, and with the narcissist’s lies, it can look like the ex is jealous. Parents will say things like. ”my child has no respect for me.” so people feel sorry for them; they miss out on the part that, in reality, the child realised they were raised by a narcissist and broke free.
7. Preoccupied with their own power. They will lie by telling you something they did but not telling you the whole Story. “ I’ve got to work late.” They may well be working late, but they’ll leave out the part that after work, they went to meet someone. They will lie with admitting partial truths, “I’ve been to see person A.” They may well have been to see them, and they’ll not tell you what they’ve actually been doing with that person. So you know where they have been, and as they’ve told you part of the story, which is the truth, you don’t want to question the other part, primarily as the narcissist will lie to you and reinforce within your mind that “you’re insecure.” As their actions are having an impact on your instincts, so those insecurities are your instincts trying to warn you. The narcissist makes it sound like a bad thing that you’re insecure as they’re not going to admit fault and say. “You know what, you’re right. You’re insecure because I’m lying to you.”
7. They will lie by blame-shifting. “If you were a loving person that gave me what I needed, I wouldn’t have to go elsewhere.” leaving you to focus more on improving your behaviour and less on what they’ve done. Things like. “If you hadn’t.” So you focus more on your behaviour from the past to work harder in pleasing them. While downplaying or making excuses for their behaviour in the present, with their lie of “If only you.” Even if you did, it wouldn’t stop them from doing what they want to do.
9. A belief they are special. They will deflect lie by twisting it into something similar you have done. “ well, you went out with person A last week. I’ve no idea what you got up to. I just trust you.” Making you doubt yourself for questioning them in the first place. As they believe they should be allowed to do as they please, without having to answer to anyone, which is valid with good intentions, people are allowed to do as they please without having to answer to others, with a narcissists intentions, it because they believe they are above others. Their actions often hurt those around them.
Why do they lie?
They lie to Control. As you most likely already know, a narcissist is all about control; they want and need to be in control. They feel entitled to be in control of those around them and all life events when they are not getting what they want. They will blame others; to them, life is against them, and if it weren’t for someone else, they would be achieving the success they believe they deserve. They don’t think they should work at it; they believe it should be handed to them; those who do work for it will exploit others to miss a few steps on their way up.
If we feel controlled by outside events, especially when mass smear campaigns hit, we see ourselves as helpless, the victim and the “Why is this happening to me?” Or “Why are they doing this?” Once we take back control of our lives, those outside situations no longer impact us. Without our own internal control, we take on the responsibility for the happiness of those around us; in reality, we are responsible for how we feel only, and others are responsible for how they feel. As narcissists Lie, Gaslight, Intimidate and Invalidate us, we slowly lose control of our minds and our lives, not knowing what is truly happening to us and trying our best to please others, not understanding that as nice as it is to help others, it’s all about helping those who a willing and able to help us, walk away from those who are not, also that it’s ok to be selfish and put our own needs first, with good intentions there is no wrong way or right way to live your life only your way.
The oxygen mask on the plane, yes, it seems selfish putting it on yourself first. If you put it on the wrong person first, they will then leave you to it. Put it on the right person first, your oxygen levels might run too low, but they would help you, put it on yourself first. You will be able to run at your best to help others, even those who don’t deserve or appreciate the help, Boundaries are a must, knowing when to say yes, and when to say no, if saying yes to someone else is them saying no to you, it needs to be a no to that other person, compromise yes, if it’s all their way, you have every right to turn around and go your way.
Trust your instincts; if what someone is telling you doesn’t feel right to you, leave them to it, and go your own way.
Narcissists have that black-and-white thinking; to them, it’s either good or bad; there is no room for mistakes or errors in judgment; to them, it is all or nothing. They can only see things as either good or bad, as they themselves, as everything must be perfect to suit them. They place all blame onto others for situations or problems they might have caused. Without cognitive reflection, they can not look back to see what they might have done that led up to a bad situation, and without empathy, they can not see how someone else might be feeling. Most have a cognitive understanding of empathy, so they can think how others think and use this against them with emotional blackmail, yet, they simply can not put themselves into someone else’s shoes, to feel or care how they are making someone feel.
This is why most will Project all their failures and faults onto others, as to them they are entitled. They are superior. Any mistakes made, or any achievements missed, they will place that blame onto someone else; being around this on a continued basis leaves us feeling like we are at fault, as all the projection is slowly drip-fed into our minds, also why we are somewhat too forgiving as we can see the good in them, those times they do treat us right, often with all the blame-shifting when the bad comes out, we are led to believe this to be our fault, it is never your fault.
Narcissist learns through life that to them, it’s far easier to lie than, than to tell the truth, often ending up believing their own lies to be the reality.
They are like a three-year-old caught red-handed with a bag of sweets you told them they couldn’t eat until after tea, yet while still eating these sweets, blaming their siblings for getting them or pretending they didn’t hear you say no, or they’re sure you said yes. Most people feel guilty and learn to grow out of this; a narcissist is a toddler, throwing lies and tantrums in an adult’s body.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Lies to keep you trapped.