Communication with a narcissist.

Narcissists Lacking in critical thinking skills.

When it comes to communication with a narcissist, be it your parents, partners, siblings, boss, friends, co-workers or trying to co-parent. Fear and panic can set in due to the anxiety from the memory of the last time you tried to approach them. Learning how to Stand up for yourself and speaking your mind to them, to be yourself around them, then when you do try to get your point of view across, enforce your boundaries, it can be one of the most emotionally draining, hurtful, confusing and at times scary experiences.

Conversations with a narcissist can feel impossible. Yes, we can communicate with them. All we have to do is open our mouths and talk, that’s communication, yet having a two-way conversation with them about something they have done, being respectful of feelings, finding a compromise finding the middle ground, trying to work through issues together is virtually impossible. One of the best methods to recover from this kind of emotional abuse is no contact. In some cases, this isn’t always possible, so we need to learn how they work and how to handle ourselves around them. So we don’t end up feeling angry, hurt and confused. When you feel yourself going, it’s always best to retreat, rethink and then respond if you need to do so.

Just because they don’t understand us doesn’t me we can not understand them to make our life easier and no longer take their hurtful toxic behaviour personally.

A conversation with a narcissist is crazy-making. As they will provoke, switch the topic, talk over us, play the victim. Gaslight you, Triangulate or fall silent. Anger and rage, especially when they don’t get what they want or what they believe they are entitled to.

Learning the pattern they go around, and why they do this, recognising the effects it can have on you, helps us to observe what’s happening and not absorb, so we can handle ourselves around them on a conscious level, and not emotionally react on a subconscious level.

The conversation manipulation pattern.

Invalidation is where the narcissist will not only invalidate your points of view, your opinions, but also your feelings. Within a healthy relationship, you might not agree with each other’s points of you. Still, you would be able to agree to disagree. You would be able to try and reach a mutual understanding or a mutual compromise. As a narcissist, is preoccupied with their own points of view and feels entitled to have things how they want, they invalidate you to put you down to feel better about themselves.
Projection, this is when the narcissist will deny their mistakes they will deny their intent they will deny their feelings not only within themselves but they will then pass these feelings on to you to with ”You’re.” followed by whatever the narcissist thinks or feels, which causes you emotional distress.
Blame shifting once they’ve projected their feelings onto you. The narcissist then often genuinely believes that you are the one at fault, they will pass the blame on to you to change the focus of the conversation on to you to distract you from their behaviour, so they’re not held accountable for their behaviour, with all the other manipulation within the conversation this can leave us with more self-doubt as to what our real intent was.
Word salad, this is when the narcissist will throw all sorts of conversation at us which is nothing to do with the actual discussion you’re having they will take you off the topic they will bring a third person into the conversation to distract you from what the conversation was initially about, this can be very bewildering.
Gaslighting, when they deny, when they distort reality, when they do all they can to confuse you to get you to doubt what your feelings are, what your intentions are, what has and has not happened, with all the other manipulation methods they used throughout the conversation, this can be a very confusing place to be.
Provoke, if all the other methods haven’t worked to get you to conform so they can gain the control over you and the conversation that they wish to have, they will then go all out to bait you to get that reaction out of you so that they can then blame it all on you. The more hurt or upset that we get when we are in the situation, you might notice the calmer a narcissist becomes when they get you into that state of despair. Once they’ve got that reaction, then they will stand back and look at us with almost a smirk on my face and say, “Look at the state of you. Something is wrong with you to think you might need help.”

Some narcissist will go out to get this reaction in front of other people so that they can then play the hero to other people about how much they have to put up with, how much they’re trying to help you, how irrational you are or how irrational you are being.

Then whatever we initially went in to have a conversation about is often completely forgotten as we left feeling dazed and confused, disorientated. Like we are the problem, you are never the problem abuse is abuse. There is no excuse.

The narcissist personality disorder is a reason behind their behaviour it’s not to excuse their behaviour, abuse is abuse, there is no excuse, but as they don’t see themselves as the problem, we have to stop seeing ourselves as the problem that they blame and gaslight us into believing and start viewing them for who they are. As they try to protect themselves from their mistakes, they sometimes don’t understand a simple conversation they can take easily take things as criticism if it doesn’t match exactly what they think, Provoking their defensive mechanics and creating rage and anger in them, even though that’s not our intentions, or when you just want them to say Sorry, give you closure, yet they are either unwilling or unable. Now some are highly toxic and dangerous. These are a more narcissistic sociopath or narcissistic psychopath. The best is to stay well clear. Only you know the kind of narcissist you are dealing with. With all narcissist’s the more you stand your ground to them, the more all hell seems to break loose. You are the one left constantly on the lookout for the next game.

A narcissist can just not see someone’s point of view and always seems to work against you, as it’s always their way or you will suffer way. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can lead them to think something was their idea, true to narcissistic form if they believe it’s their idea they will go with it, if they believe they are in control, have the upper hand, most will go for it, yes this seems manipulative, so long as your doing it, with good intentions, so your relationship works better with your parents, boss, children’s parent, so long as it’s not out of spite to cause hurt or pain, you’re doing it to see healthier results all round not to be hurtful. Sometimes we have to work with people on their level of understanding, not ours. We have to treat people in a way they understand. A narcissist understands silence, so sometimes our best defence is no reaction. The narcissist will still blame us, that’s on them, us not giving them a reaction is, so we don’t feel worse for doing so.

Cognitive reflection.

Research shows that narcissists are less likely to use critical thinking and are lacking in cognitive reflection skills. This is good news for those of you that question am a narcissist? Which most of us do when we first learn about the disorder. Another reason you’re not when you overthink and over reflect and question so much from your past, also another reason why narcissists act on impulse and can simply walk away, taking everything with them without a glance back.

Grandiose and Vulnerable narcissist differ in their cognitive reflection skills, the grandiose narcissist, they are arrogant, have that sense of superiority, entitled and come across as having very high self-esteem, are often extroverted to the outside world, still feeling shame on the inside. The Fragile or Vulnerable Covert narcissists can come across as insecure to those closest to them. They are more defensive and often yet not always more introverted. Most narcissists do act on impulse and are unable to reflect on what they did wrong, while others are more calculated, and once they’ve made a choice are still less able to reflect on that choice. Both the grandiose and vulnerable narcissist are self-centred. They can be highly impulsive, even if they don’t act on impulse all the time. Once they’ve made a choice, they stick with it and can’t reflect correctly, see it from another viewpoint or change their mind. Once they’ve set a plan into action, they just roll with it and stick to their truths, their false reality. A vulnerable narcissist is most likely to reflect temporary but only in a process that is, namely me, myself and I, and not usually for the benefit of others.

Most narcissists seem to lack the ability to choose based on critical thinking skills, and even when they are wrong, lacking in cognitive reflection means they are not as able as those not on the spectrum to reflect on the choices they have made adequately.

The narcissist personality disorder is on a spectrum. Hence, some might be able to reflect. However, they often revert back to their original way of thinking once their needs are met, often why you get the false apology, ”I’m sorry you.” as that’s usually blamed on something you did, then once needs are met, they revert back to their negative ways.

Narcissists are far less likely to use critical thinking, which is important to make good sound decisions and the ability to solve problems.

A cognitive reflection is a person having the ability to reflect on something they might have done wrong, mistakes they have made. A narcissist overrides any thoughts that they could, in fact, be in the wrong as they can not reflect on their own actions, if others perceive them as wrong, they will cling on to the fact that they are right as they are unable to reflect and find ways of making their actions or behaviour correct.

Critical thinking is having the ability to analyse facts to form a judgment, the ability to think clearly and rationally, then understanding the logic between ideas, or actions, the ability to engage and reflect.

No one thinks all of the time critically, especially when our self-control is affected by anger, pain, resentment, grief or joy, or we are just being single-minded, which even those of us who are not narcissistic can slip into in various situations. However, a narcissist rarely uses critical thinking for the good of others, only temporarily to serve themselves.

This is why when you are trying to reach a compromise with them over something, they can not see it from your point of view. They can only see it from their own. You might as well go blue in the face discussing things that matter to you at a brick wall, as if you’ve thoughts, feelings or opinions are not the same as the narcissists. They are not listening if they are. They disagree with you. The more you push the subject, the more anger they feel that you don’t see it their way, the more they act on an impulse to cut you down.

When narcissists are show facts, they struggle to use critical thinking skills instead of going for gut instincts resulting in impulsive behaviours.

The grandiose side of their personality disorder overrides their ability to analyse facts critically.

So with some, it could simply be they are genuinely incapable of listening to what you are trying to say. They are merely stuck within their own mindset without the ability to think differently.

If you can not go, no contact, which I always advise as best, as their thinking skills, mixed with a lack of empathy and remorse. It makes for some of the most hurtful, toxic people there are, so with most, it truly needs to be no contact. Yet there are those on the lower end of the spectrum, or If you can not go no contact, here’s a few ways to deal with them in conversation.

Communication.

Always look calm and collected, looking just over their shoulder and try not to make direct eye contact when they come at you with the word salad.

If it’s face to face and you feel a need to respond, do not react to the vile things they are saying to provoke you. Remember who they are, observing them, knowing they are only saying things to provoke you, passing their insecurities off onto you, not absorbing the words, don’t take them personally, don’t defend yourself. That’s what they want and why they are doing it. Instead, say things like. “You seem upset all the time. Are you ok?” Or “you seem negative all the time, are you ok.” And leave them to it, don’t continue a conversation, just hit repeat of what you said, as they will try to twist it and turn it onto you. If you repeat the same thing, you’ll watch them get more frustrating that they can not draw the reactions out of you that they want from you.

Shut them down by not reacting to what they are saying, if it’s messages, don’t go off-topic, do not respond to whatever they are throwing at you, say it once and leave it. So if it’s things like. ” kids have something on, they’ll be ready at 6.” And they come at you with. “That’s just like you.” You’ve said all that needed to be said do not explain yourself you already have, and they didn’t listen the first time they’ll not listen the second. Or when they bring the children home late, pick up late, again act to them like it’s not bothered you.

Other phrases are. “I’m not responsible for your opinion of me.” Or “you’re entitled to your point of view, and I’m allowed to have mine.”

When you do say, these things make sure your face stays straight and keep your emotions hidden. Always look calm and collected. When they are not getting what they want from you, they get angry, and they make themselves feel better by making you feel bad.

Once you learn to do it, you’ll know their games, and it’ll no longer affect you. It takes practice.

At the start, you may need to get your reactions and emotions out; just do not do it to the narcissist.

Boundaries and No contact is best. If it’s not possible, then do the above. You are worth so much more. You will recover and move forward to a much happier life.

Nine phrases to disarm a narcissist.

Check these out!

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.-1

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

9 Ways The Narcissist Gaslights.

The term gaslighting comes from the play Gaslight, which in the 1940s was made into a movie where the husband sent the wife insane.

What is gaslighting? 

Gaslighting is to manipulate someone by any psychologically means possible into doubting their own reality, their feelings, their intentions, their behaviour and their memories, so they no longer trust themselves and often turn to the narcissist for a reality check.

Why do narcissists Gaslight?

The narcissist does this because they feel entitled. There is one rule for them and another rule for everybody else. They do this with many forms of manipulation as they feel entitled to protect their ego any way they can. They lack the empathy to care for those that they hurt. They are arrogant within the belief they can exploit us to meet a need of their own because they believe they are special. They are preoccupied with their own agenda. They wish to gain control of those around them to prove that they are right and all of us are wrong to escape accountability and not to be held responsible for their behaviour.

How gaslighting can make you feel. 

Gaslighting leaves you feeling full of self-doubt, confused, sometimes turning into a detective to try and work out what has happened in your reality and then like you’re stalking the narcissist and if you go to the narcissist with any information you find they will double whammy by saying “don’t you trust me?” Being gaslighted all the more leaving you feeling guilty, questioning yourself more, isolated, full of fear, Silenced, scared, always saying sorry, second-guessing yourself, feeling guilty, feeling lonely and feeling crazy.

Why it’s so easy to fall for gaslighting.

How do we fall for gaslighting?

We have no idea about gaslighting.
You are a caring person understand that people make mistakes. Forgive people want to give people chances.
Fear of reactions if you call out their behaviour, from past experience.
Raised by a narcissist, so then you accept other peoples gaslighting behaviour as normal because you don’t know any different.

How do narcissist’s Gaslight?

Omission.

The narcissist will leave out facts saying things to you like “I would have told you, but you can’t handle the truth.” This is one of the ways that almost gets us turning into that detective because our instincts will be telling us that something isn’t quite right, but as the narcissist will not tell us what’s happening we can turn into a detective to try and claim our reality back.

They are downplaying or minimising their behaviour.

To distract you from what they’re up to so you focus on your feelings, they will downplay or minimise their behaviour they will say things to you like. “After all I’ve done for you, don’t be so sensitive, I put a roof over your head.” to make you feel grateful for the things that they have done and forgotten about the things that they haven’t done to make you question how you feel rather than questioning how their actions have made you feel.

Withholding information.

Similar to omission, but this is where they might tell you part truth, so if you go to ask them a question about something, they’ll let you know half the story or “I’m not talking to you about this today.” or they will say something like ”I’m going here with Sam.” when they could be going somewhere they’re just not going where they said they were going, or with who they said they were going with.

Denying reality.

This is where they will completely deny your reality, so if you ask them about something or bring something up that they promised and haven’t delivered, you will get things like. “It’s all in your head, that didn’t happen, I never said that, you said.” so if they plan something without you they’ll turn it round that you said that you didn’t want to go to excuse their behaviour. Even if you never said it.

Breaking the promises.

They’ll promise you something to distract you from the reality of what’s happening in the presents, and this even occurs in the idealisation stage to distract you from who they indeed are they will sell you all the dreams and create that future that you would like and then further down the line when they break those promises to you they will gaslight with sentences such as ”you must be mistaken, ” or they will say ”if you hadn’t” to make you work harder to please them to create that false hope that around the next corner will be that thing that they promised only when you get there when you get around that corner it’s not there and to distract you from the pain at present they will say to you ”you must be mistaken, if you hadn’t, I’ll talk about it in six months.” to keep that hope alive within you all while they slowly sink you.

Diversion.

To distract you from what is actually currently happening in the present time or how they’ve hurt you in some way, this is when they say things like ”if only you.” so that you question yourself and not what they’re doing they will create feelings of jealousy within you and then call you jealous to distract from what they are actually doing so you focus your attention on your reactions, on your feelings, to distract you from their actions their behaviour so they escape accountability because you’re busy focusing on your feelings your actions and your intentions and not theirs, when they hurt you with intent, Then say “I’m only joking.” to make you question how you feel rather than how they acted the same when they come at you with “you’re too sensitive.” when you’re not too sensitive these are normal feelings through how somebody is treating you.

Using your flaws against you.

This will be when they bring something up from the past that you may have told them in the strictest confidence. They will try to break down your Boundry by saying things like, “what would your mum think if I told them this? what would your friend think if I told them,” they will use your mistakes against you anything you told them with confidence they will use against you to distract you from what they are doing so that they can exploit you to meet a need of their own.

Triangulation.

Narcissists triangulate to gain control to meet a need of their own they will say things like. “Everyone thinks you.” So that you question who you are as a person they will say that other people think that you’re crazy, so you doubt yourself they will tell you what others haven’t even said about you, so you question who you are as a person and not realising that the narcissist is using divide and conquer to gain their control over you further.

Withholding support.

This is where the narcissist will have often done something that hurts your feelings. Then they will turn round and claim that it’s your fault that your feelings are hurt. They will say things like. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I didn’t hurt your feelings. Nobody can make you feel anything. I’m only joking. You should take a joke, stop exaggerating.” They say these things to distract you from how their behaviour has hurt you, has impacted you so that you question your reactions to their actions, and you don’t pay attention to the root cause of your pain. You are lead to believe that you’re at fault for your pain and not their hurtful actions towards you. The narcissists silent treatment is also a form of gaslighting as they lead you to believe you’ve done wrong, and they withhold support.

What do you do if someone is gaslighting you?

Don’t try to defend yourself or explain yourself to them.
Don’t try to change their reality to the truth. They take this as you are gaslighting them, and they’ll go to their defence mode to project rage and gaslight you all the more.

If you can go no contact block and delete them on everything; otherwise, limited contact, avoid them and grey rock.

Stay in your reality internally process your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings don’t allow them to take over your reality stay in your truth you do not need to defend yourself to them understand within your own mind that they are lying to you, they are gaslighting you and stay in your reality.

Don’t share any personal information with them. They will use this against you often they already have by the time we realise this, so then it’s a case of working on our insecurities our mistakes our flaws so that narcissist can no longer use these against us.

The narcissists gaslighting.

Check these out!

15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.

Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.-1

Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.

(Sponsored.). https://betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw

How Narcissists Destroy Our Confidence.

Confidence is a feeling or belief in something or someone, a belief that you can trust within the reliability or credibility of yourself and those around you, having a faith which is the complete trust in something or someone.

Sometimes we can enter a narcissistic relationship full of confidence within not only them but also ourselves. If you were raised within a family dynamic of narcissists, you might have little confidence within yourself. However, you might believe in those around you because you’ve learned over time to please others to be treated right, and when someone treats you wrong, that you need to change to help, please and be understanding of them, so they treated you right, conditioned to accept conditional love.

Being around narcissistic people isn’t only mentally and physically draining; it is soul-destroying as it takes away who you are little by little. Part of reclaiming who you are and who you want to be is rebuilding your self-esteem, which is your own evaluation of your own self-worth, by working on your inner confidence, understanding how this might have been taken, so it doesn’t happen in the future, and finding the method which works for you in order to rebuild your confidence.

Narcissists, though many manipulation tactics, slowly destroy your self-esteem, self-respect, dignity and confidence. It’s up to us to take that power away from them and take back control of our lives. Taking back our ability to control our own, Self- worth self-respect, confidence and dignity.

How do they destroy these in us? Narcissists are the masters of cruel and sometimes calculating manipulation.

Mostly they hurt us through words, emotional abuse that’s hard to spot when we’ve no idea what we’re looking for; through their words, it’s not always what they say, sometimes it’s the way they say it that makes it so hard to see it while you’re living it. Especially if you had narcissistic parents, even if you didn’t, narcissist partners, friends, teachers can have a massive impact on you. When you don’t understand, it’s hard to know what’s happening to you.

Through the narcissists gaslighting we end up doubting our own reality, ourselves, and our own minds start to work against us, with their added blame-shifting, and projection which is when the narcissist places their feelings, intentions and mistakes into those around them, through blame-shifting and gaslighting.

When they say things like. “You misunderstood me.” It is never to have a two-way conversation to understand each other. It’s about you taking on the narcissists reality, or when they say, “That never happened.” Even though you knew it did, because you have that belief and confidence within them, you end up questioning yourself and not the person trying to change your reality on you. Those “you’re too sensitive.” These are to make you doubt your feelings and not their behaviour, so you lose your confidence within your own feelings and judgment while going to the very person who is manipulatively sinking you for those reality checks. As they make you think you’ve overreacted often by saying,” Can you not take a joke.” or “you’re overreacting, ” leaving you with more self-doubt and more personal issues.

Suppose you’re still dealing with these people or have the misfortune to come across more. Knowing your truth, yes you can misunderstand people if they then go on to explain and be genuine about what they meant and don’t use it against you, you misunderstood, when we approach someone, and they make us feel worse for having feelings, we have to know they meant to hurt us in the first place. Now they’re hurting us more by, instead of admitting they hurt us, blaming us for our hurt. If you know something happened, it happened, don’t let their words infect your mind; you’re more aware and understand what you are dealing with now. Walk away.

When you try to rationalise with irrational people, as you trust, they’ll see how their behaviour might have hurt you, have confidence in the belief they care and would want to make things right. Hence, you go to talk to them and get the word salad, then if you react from an emotional level, get something like. “you’re so dramatic.” Or “I hate drama.” This again is to plant the suggestion within your mind that your behaviour is at fault, that you are to blame for all conflict within the relationship. Distracting us from their behaviour, which in turn makes us doubt our own abilities, making us feel like the fault lays within us.

If you’re still dealing with them, know it matters to you, and they can not take that away from you, look at the whole story and who indeed created the drama.

When they invalidate you with the covert “Are you wearing that.” To the obvious overt. “You’d look better in that if you lost weight.” Regularly negative comments like those and the countless others. “Are you really going to do that?” Or “I wouldn’t do that if I was you.” All these negative self-doubting comments instilled into us by others is hugely damaging when our minds are absorbing these regular and repeated toxic negative digs, making us doubt who we are and how we look, our ability to be who we want to be, we the become fearful, fearing judgment and fearing consequences of our own actions.

If you’re still dealing with them, know that no one is entitled to belittle you. You are who you are. The problem is with them, not you, genuine people will love you for who you are and raise you up. Know your own truths; don’t let others words play in your mind. With good intentions, you’re allowed to do what you please. Those that tell you ”you can not.” have an issue within themselves. Show them you can. Genuine people will have your back and want you to succeed.

Narcissists will create conflict between people. Narcissists actually thrive off drama, especially when they’re not the centre of attention. They will play others off against each other, play them against you with words like. “They talk about you behind your back.” Or “they don’t really like you, to make you doubt who’s actually your friend and what’s wrong with you, narcissists provoke to cause arguments with you, usually so they can blame everything on you. Narcissists will also happily spread gossip, rumours and your innermost secrets, especially to those you didn’t want to know. This is a massive drain on your confidence.

If you’re still dealing with them, if they’ve said someone is talking about you, go and ask that person and see what their version of events is. Narcissistic people lie so they might not have said anything, those who want to talk about you, that’s up to them, those people don’t deserve to be a part of your life anyway the narcissist did you a favour.

Narcissists will learn all your insecurities, vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Then they will use them all against you, anything that hurt you in your past. Anything that’s dear to you, any secrets you ever told, they will pick these apart to pick you apart to drag you down to raise themselves up, they point them out as often as they can, tell others about them. This leaves your vulnerabilities wide open and is soul-destroying that someone you loved so much is happy to use everything that hurts the most against you.

If you’re still dealing with them, understanding that everyone has vulnerabilities and you’re not alone, good people raise each other up. They don’t use them to bring you down.

Who they are, from the narcissist that showers you with attention to the narcissist that destroys you. When you reach breaking point, they bring out the nice narcissist, so you doubt yourselves. When things aren’t going their way, the not so nice envious narcissist comes back out to play, leaving you on edge, walking on eggshells, paying more attention to their happiness and less and less to your own—no longer knowing what makes you truly happy.

Playing nice or playing nasty is who they are. They don’t change. They have a personality disorder with different sides to them. No matter how much they play nice, remember how much pain they cause and walk away.

They are the masters of negativity. Living in a toxic negative environment rubs of on you. Once in that cycle, your once happy, carefree state of mind is slowly driven out, left full of negative emotions towards yourself and those around to you. With self-doubts, leaving you questioning so much and lacking in confidence within your own abilities, no longer trusting those around you.

Narcissists lie, lie after lie after lie, at first you might think something is off as those lies appear and you might question them, yet as they always have an explanation or a distraction, as they twist it all around, leaving you doubting reality, doubting yourself and doubting those around you. Narcissists downplay everything, leaving you questioning and blaming yourself, shattering your trust within yourself and those around you.

They will seek others to take their side, manipulating others and lying to others, smearing your name, they flip the story’s, so you end up isolating yourself from the world, shattering your confidence within the world around you.

When you’ve been told for long enough, you’re not good enough, and you’ll not find any better. Your mind starts to believe it, and you begin to act it.

We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. The narcissist does not have the final word on your self worth you do. Other people, in general, don’t. Others judgment of you is not for you. Be who you want to be. Treat others with respect, even if they’re not respectful to you. You’ll feel better for doing so.

Your dignity, self-worth all starts within you and the inner confidence of your own abilities, achieving your own dreams. Once you build yourself up from the inside, those negative people will no longer be able to take it away. Yes, they might be able to affect you at the moment but shifting onto how you think quickly and being true to you. Learning how to be confident within yourself will not solve everything for you; life gets hard sometimes. Situations and problems hit. It will give you the ability to handle these better. Confidence is not about knowing everything. It’s about being able to control yourself, overcome obstacles and mistakes, learning along your life journey.

Being confident and trusting in who you are and your own abilities will help you in all areas of your life, from relationships to work. What you wear, how you talk to yourself and others and the friendships you make.

When you always doubt yourself and those around you, questioning your own abilities. You’ll focus on those doubts and not move forward. It’s not easy to build. However, you can do this.

How to reclaim your confidence?

It starts with telling yourself you are enough, over and over until it sinks in.

Then how you hold yourself when you’re telling yourself, “I’m shy.” You don’t speak out. When you tell yourself, “I can not.” You don’t. When you’re feeling sad or negative, you curl up, drop your shoulders, slump. Drop your head and lose your smile.

Purposefully holding your body right helps massively on the impact of your inner feeling. Power pose when alone in front of a mirror. Give it a try. It might even make you giggle too. If you’re telling yourself, you feel silly. You might, and you might just laugh. Notice how much better that laughter makes you feel within.

Even if you think you’ve nothing to smile about. Go and find something to smile about, something that makes you happy, stand tall and put that smile on your face, notice your energy shift.

When trying new things, or handling difficult situations, don’t focus on what could go wrong. Focus on what will go right. When you focus your mind on what you want, you’re more likely to receive the outcome you want.

When meeting new people if you’re thinking. “No one will like me.” You’ll walk in different you’ll talk differently. You’ll avoid eye contact and sit in the corner if you walk in with. “Hey, I might meet some great new people.” Standing tall with a smile and a hello to everyone you meet, you’ll get that smile back and that hello back. You might strike up that conversation with great people, making that eye contact and connecting with others.

Find positive, uplifting, inspiring people, to surround yourself with, and it also rubs off on you. Don’t settle for those who aren’t worthy of you.

When something knocks you off balance at the start of your day, and you say to yourself, “it’s going to be one of those days.” What usually happens? One bad thing after another?

When you get up, and everything’s going great, most often, you pick that momentum up and keep going. When a problem arises, do you let it knock you off balance and spend the rest of the day feeling negative? If you do, it’s time to recognise the problem for what it was. Can you do something about it? Yes? Then do it. No? Then go focus on something you can do.

Losing negative thoughts by finding things to be grateful for. It’s hard to feel emotions like sadness, pain, anger, hurt when the finding things that make you feel happy. Yes, some negative emotions, problems need dealing with. Life’s hard at times. It gets rough at times. Dealing when it hits, then move consciously back into the positive emotions.

Look at and recognise how you are taking to yourself “what’s the point.” You’ll not find the point and do it. “What if this happens.” It will stop you from trying. “I’m not good enough.” You’ll not see your worth. “No one will love me.” You’ll not find your love ( some find one that helps lift them you. ) instead, and it needs to be “I must do it because.” And tell yourself the point, find the point. Look at the outcome if you succeed. Tell yourself, “I am good enough.” Until your mind believes it, look at things you’ve done in the past and achieved. “I’m learning to love me.” As you progress. “I love me.”

When you’re feeling down, we all have those down moments. It’s all about breaking the pattern of your thinking and bringing yourself out of them if you’re feeling alone or missunderstood, connect with those who do understand you, good online support groups are great for this to start, connecting with those who’ve lived it, you can dump the thoughts that aren’t severing you, and people will give you the acknowledgement that you’re not alone in how you think or feel, tips of what you can do. If you’re feeling down and like you can not do something, tell yourself you can, look at when you’ve done something similar in the past, so your mind knows it’s possible or looks for someone who has done it before you to show your mind it’s possible.

Confidence is something we create within ourselves, and life gets hard at times, even confident people aren’t confident all the time. You have the power within you to recognise when your thinking is working against you and consciously shift those thoughts to make them work for you.

When something happens that makes you feel those negative emotions, know this is normal. We all have moments, especially when narcissistic people come at you to bring you down, or life hits hard out of the blue when the thing we’re going great, deal with those emotions there and then at that moment. Then adjust your thoughts, find the things within your life to be grateful for, find the lesson, sometimes it might be a few months later where you suddenly think,” oh, if that hadn’t of happened, I wouldn’t be doing this.” Find reasons to be blessed, not depressed.

We’re human, we make errors, focus on the lesson, focus on the outcome, and your mind will find a way. Don’t be hard over mistakes. It’s not there to beat yourself up, and it’s there to learn.

Your past doesn’t define your future. It’s a learning curve retraining your own mind. It takes time and practice, and once you’ve achieved, you keep going. If you take a step back, go again. Think about the outcomes you want. Know why you want them, and you will always find a way.

Thomas Edison.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Using your own mind to work for you, other people do not define who you are, situations, people you’ve been around might have shaped you, you have the power within to change you into who you want to be, how you want to feel, and how you think.

Limiting beliefs.

The narcissist’s shame and insecurities.

Click on the links below to join Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The online courses available by Elizabeth Shaw.

For the full course.

Click here to sign up for the full, Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse, with a link in the course to a free, hidden online support group with fellow survivors.

For the free course.

Click here to sign up for the free online starter course.

To help with overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety course.

Click here for the online course to help you break the trauma bond, and those anxiety triggers.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here to learn more about the narcissist personality disorder.

The narcissists counter-parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse, and information on co-parenting with a narcissist.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading list for more information on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

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The Narcissist And Shame.

The shame-filled, insecure narcissist, how they fear abandonment and their manipulating ways that they pass this shame onto those around them to avoid their true feelings and low self-esteem that they are often unaware of and how we can recover.

People can have low self-esteem yet to feel better within themselves go around trying to make others feel happy, as they don’t want them to feel how they do, as they have empathy, you care, giving themselves to others to help them. However, most narcissistic people with low self-esteem they go around hurting others.

Narcissists feel foolish or shameful in a moment afterwards, more towards what others would think of them, less due to their behaviour being in the wrong, they are more ashamed of what people’s opinions or reactions might be to their behaviour, as they often believe the other person deserved the narcissist’s rage, they usually don’t feel remorseful for how they made someone else feel, only for potential consequences to their actions. They might question why they did something, but rarely to never, for how it affected you.

Narcissists are, on the most part, hurt people who then go around hurting people, and this is a choice they make, often creating shame-based people. Although on the outside with most, you wouldn’t think it narcissists are vulnerable and insecure. Most don’t know this within themselves. Those of you that have been around toxic narcissistic people will know all too well they don’t handle criticism very well. They even perceive things that aren’t even criticism of them as an attack on them. Constructive criticism, to offer well-rounded opinions to help them, is also something they will take significant offence to and any criticism they act out in the most hiddious and hurtful ways due to their lack of self-awareness.

Negative criticism is to personally attack someone on who they are or what they do, to make them feel shame or unworthy, it’s to tell people they are wrong, they can not do or achieve something, and to put others down. Some people mistakenly do this by trying to be helpful yet phrasing the sentence wrong. It’s not intentionally done to hurt another. Positive criticism is intended to help someone out, show them a different perspective, teach them how they could achieve something if they tried a new approach, just like constructive criticism to help another see that the intent or purpose might be better achieved with another approach, taking someone’s attention on to what alternative they could try to reach their desired outcome. Deconstructive criticism, when someone is to show another they are not valid, to destroy someone else by putting them down, threatening, intimidating and personal attacks.

The narcissist sees any and all kinds of criticism as a personal attack, as they are either unwilling or unable to see another person’s viewpoint. Even good people can accidentally use the wrong approach and unintentionally criticise someone in a negative way, or when someone has deeply hurt their feelings when they defend themselves to the very person that’s hurt them, they can react in a negative way.

As a narcissist feels a sense of unworthiness, they can fear abandonment as they can feel shame for who they are and the things they do. Therefore they create a false self to hide away from their true inner selves. To protect themselves from others seeing who they indeed are. As they are primarily shame-based, they feel unworthy of love, connection and belonging. So a narcissist will throw the first attack to defend themselves and make themselves feel better within themselves, they have to pull others down to raise themselves up, they often project their true intentions and behaviour onto those around them by twisting the story and passing all the blame onto those around them. Through gaslighting with their many manipulative games. They need to feel Superior and in control to keep their vulnerabilities hidden from themselves and from others.

They can rage, sulk, deny, ignore to gain control of those around them and feel better within themselves.

They get a high from the power they have over others when they’re gaslighting those around them. They feel powerful and in control, hiding those feelings of shame, covering those feeling by making those around them feel beneath them, the power they have over others feelings almost covers for their own feelings.

It’s like having a cup with holes in it. The more we give, the more we try to help. It’ll just keep draining straight back out. Not only does it drain out of them, but they also drain the light out of those around them to feel better about themselves.

After being around narcissistic people, most will question if they are the narcissist when learning about the disorder if you have the empathy to care for others if you don’t exploit others if you care for the feelings of others if you don’t feel entitled to hurt others. If you are aware of your own behaviour, take ownership of your actions, most likely you are not. You’ve just been intoxicated by the narcissist’s negative ways. They send you into a trance and put you under their spell. Once out, you have the ability to go within and heal. Narcissistic people so far do not, as they blame all others for their behaviour. To be able to change, people have to see who they indeed are to discover what needs changing.

As a narcissist is vulnerable, to run away from vulnerabilities and shame, they create a false self. They need to control others to feel superior. Here are a few ways narcissistic people hide shame to feel better about themselves. People make mistakes, so we might all have done one of these things in our lives yet learned not to again. A narcissist hits repeat every time.

Not all narcissistic people but most somatics will try to dress to impress. However they dress, they might start making suggestions of what you should wear, either subtle ways or obvious, some in the beginnings might go and buy you clothing you wouldn’t normally wear, they will then make you feel ungrateful and guilty if you don’t.

Now some people like designer clothing, some people like piercings, tattoos, simple clothing, outrageous clothing, take pride in their appearance, not bothered about what they look like on the outside, whatever it is, it’s down to that individual to feel comfortable in the skin they are in. Narcissistic people, however, if you listen carefully, will put others down on how they look. To raise themselves up.

The cerebral can and will charm those around them with their intellect, to only at some point use this intellect to pull others down.

Telling others story’s, or breaking confidence, they either tell you something that’s happened to someone in a way that puts the other person down or makes fun of the other person, or they’ll tell people stories about you, sometimes in front of you putting their own twisted spin on it to humiliate you, make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. They aim to humiliate others to feel better within themselves. Breaking confidence without permission, you or someone might have told them something in strict confidence, trusting them to value you enough not to disclose the information. The narcissist then knows this is a weakness, a vulnerability of yours, and they love playing of others vulnerabilities. They do this to change people’s perceptions of you, as they will purposefully add a twist of their own to the story, to divide and conquer and gain control of others. Or they might threaten to tell, to make you feel shame and guilt-trip you into doing something you wouldn’t normally do.

By projecting their thoughts, feelings, insecurities onto others, as they often fear abandonment, they can and will divide and conquer to isolate people from support. When they’ve drained the person they’ve isolated, they will then often abandon that person and find someone new to exploit through their manipulative ways.

They will invalidate those around them to cause those feelings of insecurities. They will purposeful play a game to provoke emotions within you, such as those insecurities, shame, sadness, jealousy. Then they will put you down for having those feelings, so you feel unworthy; they then gain more control and feel better about themselves.

They will sabotage you any way they can, as they feel envious when they see others achievements. They either want to exploit people and take credit for other people’s achievement or sabotage people so they don’t achieve.

They will flatter people, love bomb people, idealise people, then when their actions either create those feelings of insecurity, shame. Resentment or jealousy within you, they flip the script and blame you to create those self-doubts within you when their envious face comes out. They are hurting you, as you lived the reality when they treated you well. With their projection and blame-shifting, you then doubt yourself instead of them when they treat you wrong.

They will Gaslight, which is the insidious way a narcissist will deny our reality, our hopes, our dreams, our past, our present, our future, our intentions, our feelings into something they are not, by distorting these often leads us to have cognitive dissonance and the belief we are going crazy, which makes it easier for the narcissist to further their manipulation and control, making them feel better about themselves, while we slowly lose ourselves.

Shame and insecurities are universal emotions. Some people can hurt people because of these feelings. Then we have people who help people, sometimes helping the wrong people, especially when they guilt-trip, emotionally blackmail or use our insecurities against us.

Most people have insecurities; people make mistakes and feel shame.

Shame is a conscious emotion caused by feelings of guilt—humiliation or distress caused by foolish behaviour or wrongdoings.

Insecurities are when we are uncertain about ourselves or those around us, when we feel anxious when we doubt ourselves or those around us.

Being aware of our feelings and learning what triggers them helps us to respond to those provoking us and not react.

To learn and know about ourselves to develop the conscious awareness, not only of the emotional state or those feelings we are in within the moment but what those feelings are telling us.

Sometimes we have to give ourselves the reality check that we need by listening to our feeling and not what others are telling us.

Narcissists have a way of talking to others how they are trying to avoid talking to themselves, all those feelings of insecurities and shame they pass onto those around them.

So we can not only end up with our own insecurities and shame. We can end up with the narcissists too.

Reality check by writing them down, what did we do, what did others do, what insecurities have others placed within me? What’s that say about them, not me.

You often give, and people-please to avoid feelings of shame. This is when you need to not only give to others but also stop forgetting about yourself and start talking to yourself as you speak to those you love and care for.

Reach out to those you can trust or those who’ve lived similar, who can validate your feelings, and stop listening to those who seek to invalidate them.

The narcissist’s reality gap.

Overcoming emotions.

Cognitive dissonance.

Insecurities.

Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.

The courses Elizabeth Shaw has available.

The full course.

Click here for the full course to help you understand and break free from narcissistic abuse.

The free course.

Click here to join the free starter guide to breaking free from narcissistic abuse.

Help with overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety.

Click for help overcoming the trauma bond and anxiety.

All about the narcissist Online course.

Click here for more information about the narcissist personality disorder.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting.

Click here for more information on recovery and co-parenting with a toxic ex.

Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp.(Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.

Click here for Elizabeth Shaw’s Recommended reading.

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Month: August 2020

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