Overcoming Narcissist Abuse. By Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
Being around narcissistic people isn’t only mentally and physically draining, it is soul-destroying and takes who you are away bit by bit. Part of reclaiming who you are and who you want to be is rebuilding your self-esteem which is all about working on your inner confidence.
Narcissists through many manipulation tactics slowly destroy your self-esteem, self-respect, dignity and confidence. It’s up to us to take that power away from them and take back control of our lives. Taking back your ability to control your own, Self- worth self-respect, confidence and dignity.
How do they destroy these in us? Narcissists are the masters of cruel and sometimes calculating manipulation.
Mostly through the words, it’s not always what they say, sometimes it’s the way they say it that makes it so hard to see it whilst you’re living it. Especially if you had narcissistic parents, even if you didn’t narcissist partners, friends, teachers, can have a massive impact on you. When you don’t understand it’s hard to know what’s happening to you.
Mostly through gaslighting so we end up doubting our own reality, ourselves, and our own minds start to work against us.
They will say things like. “You miss understood me.” Or. “That never happened.” Or “you’re too sensitive.” These are to make you doubt yourself, make you think you’ve overacted and it’s all your own personal issues. Leaving you with more and more personal issues.
If you’re still dealing with these people, or have the misfortune to come across more. Know your own truth, yes you can misunderstand people if they then go on to explain and be Genuine about what they meant and don’t use it against you, you misunderstood, if they make you feel worse know they meant every word. If you know something happened it happened, don’t let their words infect your mind, you’re more aware and know what you are dealing with now. Walk away.
Then the, “you’re so dramatic.” Or “I hate drama.” And the rest. So it suggests you are to blame for all conflict within the relationship. Making us doubt our own abilities, making us feel like the fault lays within us.
If you’re still dealing with them, know it matters to you and they can not take that away from you, look at the full story and who truly created the drama.
The subtle ” are you wearing that.” To the obvious. “You’d look better in that if you lost weight.” Regularly negative comments like those and the countless others. “Are you really going to do that.” Or “I wouldn’t do that if I was you. All these negative self-doubting comments instilled into us by others is extremely damaging when our minds absorb these regular and repeated toxic negative digs, making us doubt who we are and how we look, our ability to be who we want to be, fearing judgment and fearing consequences of our own actions.
If you’re still dealing with them, know that no one is entitled to belittle you, you are who you are, the problem is with them not you, good people will love you for who you are and raise you up. Know your own truths, don’t let others words play in your mind. With good intentions you’re allowed to do what you please, those that tell you ”you can not.” have an issue within themselves. Show them you can, good people will have your back and want you to succeed.
They will create conflict between people. Narcissists actually thrive off drama, especially when they’re not the centre of attention, they will play others off against each other, play them against you with words like. ” they talk about you behind your back.” Or ” they don’t really like you, to make you doubt who’s actually your friend and what’s wrong with you, they provoke to cause arguments with you, usually so they can blame it all on you. Narcissists will also happily spread, gossip, rumours and your innermost secrets, especially to those you didn’t want to know. This is a massive drain to your confidence.
If your still dealing with them, if they’ve said someone is talking about you, go and ask that person and see what their version of events is, narcissistic people lie so they might have not said anything, those who want to talk about you, that’s up to them, those people don’t deserve to be a part of your life anyway the narcissist did you a favour.
They will learn all your insecurities, vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Then they will use them all against you, anything that hurt you in your past. Anything that’s dear to you, any secrets you ever told, they will pick on these, point them out as often as they can, tell others about them. This leaves your vulnerabilities wide open and is soul-destroying that someone you loved so much is happy to use everything that hurts the most against you.
If you’re still dealing with them, understanding that everyone has vulnerabilities and you’re not alone, good people raise each other up, they don’t use them to bring you down.
Who they are, from the narcissist that showers you with attention to the narcissist that destroys you. When you reach breaking point, they’ll bring out the nice narcissist so you doubt yourselves, then when things aren’t going their way evil narcissist comes back out to play, leaving you on edge, walking on eggshells, paying more attention to their happiness and less and less to your own. No longer knowing what makes you truly happy.
Playing nice or playing evil that is who they are. They don’t change they have a personality disorder, with different sides to them, no matter how much they play nice, remember how much pain they cause and walk away.
They are the masters of negativity, living in a toxic negative environment rubs of on you. Once in that cycle, your once happy carefree state of mind is slowly driven out, left full of negative emotions towards yourself and those around to you. Leaving you questioning so much.
Focus on shifting those negative emotions out and finding the joy in life again.
They lie, lie after lie after lie, at first you might think something is off as those lies appear and you might question them, they twist it all around, leaving you doubting reality, doubting yourself and doubting those around you. How could this once loving, respect person lie so much and hurt you so much, they downplay everything, leaving you questioning and blaming yourself, shattering your trust within yourself and those around you.
They will seek others to take their side, manipulating others and lying to others, smearing your name, they flip the story’s, so you end up isolating yourself from the world, shattering your confidence within the world around you.
When you’ve been told for long enough, you’re not good enough, you’ll not find any better and all the others. Don’t your mind starts to believe it and you start to act it.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. The narcissist does not have the final word on your self worth you do. Other people, in general, don’t. Others judgment of you is not for you. Be who you want to be. Treat others with respect, even if they’re not respectful to you. You’ll feel better for doing so.
Your dignity, self-worth all starts within you and the inner confidence of your own abilities, achieving your own dreams. Once you build yourself up from the inside those negative people will no longer be able to take it away. Yes, they might be able to affect you at the moment but shifting onto how you think quickly and being true to you. Learning how to be confident within yourself, will not solve everything for you, life gets hard sometimes. Situations and problems hit. It will give you the ability to handle these better. Confidence is not about knowing everything. It’s about being able to handle yourself, overcome obstacles and mistakes, learning along life journey.
Being confident and trusting in who you are and your own abilities will help you in all areas of your life, from relationships to work. What you ware, how you talk to yourself and others and friendships you make.
When you’re constantly doubting yourself and those around you, doubting your own abilities. You’ll focus on those doubts and not move forward. It’s not easy to build, however, you can do this.
How to reclaim your confidence?
It’s starting all with how you hold yourself when you’re telling yourself, “I’m shy.” You don’t speak out. When you tell yourself “I can not.” You don’t. When you’re feeling sad or negative. You curl up, drop your shoulders, slouch. Drop your head and lose your smile.
Purposefully holding your body right helps massively on the impact of your inner feeling. Power pose when alone in front of a mirror. Give it a try it might make you laugh too. If you’re telling yourself you feel silly. You might and you might just laugh. Notice how much better you feel within.
Even if you think you’ve nothing to smile about. Go and find something to smile about something that makes you happy, stand tall and put that smile on your face, notice your energy shift.
When trying new things, or handling difficult situations, don’t focus on what could go wrong, focus on what will go right, when you focus your mind to what you want you’re more likely to receive the outcome you want.
When meeting new people if you’re thinking. “No one will like me.” You’ll walk in different you’ll talk differently. You’ll avoid eye contact and sit in the corner. If you walk in with. “Hey, I might meet some great new people.” Standing tall with a smile and a hello to everyone you meet, you’ll get that smile back and that hello back. You might strike up that conversation with great people, making that eye contact and connecting with others.
Find positive, uplifting, inspiring people, to surround yourself with, it also rubs off on you. Don’t settle for those who aren’t worthy of you.
When something knocks you off balance at the start of your day and you say to yourself “it’s going to be one of those days.” What usually happens? One bad thing after another.
When you get up and everything’s going great most often you pick that momentum up and keep going. When a problem arises do you let it knock you off balance and spend the rest of the day feeling negative? If you do it’s time to recognise the problem for what it was. Can you do something about it? Yes? Then do it. No? Then go focus on something you can do.
Losing negative thoughts, by finding things to be grateful for. It’s hard to emotions like feel pain, anger, hurt when the finding things that make you feel happy. Yes, some negative emotions, problems need dealing with, life’s hard at times, it gets rough at times. Dealing when it hits then move consciously back into the positive emotions.
Look at and recognise how you are taking to yourself “what’s the point.” You’ll not find the point and do it. “What if this happens.” Will stop you trying. “I’m not good enough.” You’ll not see your worth. “No one will love me.” You’ll not find your love ( some find one that helps lift them you. ) instead it needs to be “I must do it because.” And tell yourself the point, find the point. Look at the outcome if you succeed. Tell yourself “I am good enough.” Until your mind believes it. Look at things you’ve done in the past and achieved. “I’m learning to love me.” As you progress. “I love me.”
when you’re feeling down, we all have those down moments, it’s all about breaking the pattern of your thinking and bringing yourself out of them, if you’re feeling alone or miss understood, connection with those who do understand you, good online support groups are great for this to start, connecting with those who’ve loved it, you can dump your thoughts that aren’t severing you and people will give you the acknowledgement that you’re not alone in how you think or feel, tips of what you can do. If you’re feeling down and like you can not do something, tell yourself you can, look at when you’ve done something similar in the past, so your mind knows its possible, or looks for someone who has done it before you to show your mind it’s possible.
Confidence is something we create within ourself, life gets hard at times, even confident people aren’t confident all the time, you have the power within you to recognize when your thinking is working against you and consciously shift those thoughts to make them work for you.
When something happens that makes you feel those negative emotions, know this is normal we all have moments, especially when narcissistic people come at you to bring you down, or life hits hard out of the blue when the thing we’re going great, deal with those emotions there and then at that moment. Then adjust your thoughts, find the things within your life to be grateful for, find the lesson, sometimes it might be a few months later where you suddenly think ” oh if that hadn’t of happened I wouldn’t be doing this.” Find reasons to be blessed not depressed.
We’re human, we make errors, focus on the lesson, focus on the outcome and your mind will find a way. Don’t be hard over mistakes. It’s not there to beat yourself up, it’s there to learn.
Your past doesn’t define your future. It’s a learning curve retraining your own mind, it takes time and practice and once you’ve achieved you keep going, if you take a step back go again. Think about the outcomes you want, know why you want them and you will always find a way.
Using your own mind to work for you, other people do not define who you are, situations, people you’ve been around might have shaped you, you have the power within to change you into who you want to be, how you want to feel, and how you think.