The shame-filled, insecure narcissist, how they fear abandonment and their manipulating ways that they pass this shame onto those around them to avoid their true feelings and low self-esteem that they are often unaware of and how we can recover.
People can have low self-esteem yet to feel better within themselves go around trying to make others feel happy, as they don’t want them to feel how they do, as they have empathy, you care, giving themselves to others to help them. However, most narcissistic people with low self-esteem they go around hurting others.
Narcissists feel foolish or shameful in a moment afterwards, more towards what others would think of them, less due to their behaviour being in the wrong, they are more ashamed of what people’s opinions or reactions might be to their behaviour, as they often believe the other person deserved the narcissist’s rage, they usually don’t feel remorseful for how they made someone else feel, only for potential consequences to their actions. They might question why they did something, but rarely to never, for how it affected you.
Narcissists are, on the most part, hurt people who then go around hurting people, and this is a choice they make, often creating shame-based people. Although on the outside with most, you wouldn’t think it narcissists are vulnerable and insecure. Most don’t know this within themselves. Those of you that have been around toxic narcissistic people will know all too well they don’t handle criticism very well. They even perceive things that aren’t even criticism of them as an attack on them. Constructive criticism, to offer well-rounded opinions to help them, is also something they will take significant offence to and any criticism they act out in the most hiddious and hurtful ways due to their lack of self-awareness.
Negative criticism is to personally attack someone on who they are or what they do, to make them feel shame or unworthy, it’s to tell people they are wrong, they can not do or achieve something, and to put others down. Some people mistakenly do this by trying to be helpful yet phrasing the sentence wrong. It’s not intentionally done to hurt another. Positive criticism is intended to help someone out, show them a different perspective, teach them how they could achieve something if they tried a new approach, just like constructive criticism to help another see that the intent or purpose might be better achieved with another approach, taking someone’s attention on to what alternative they could try to reach their desired outcome. Deconstructive criticism, when someone is to show another they are not valid, to destroy someone else by putting them down, threatening, intimidating and personal attacks.
The narcissist sees any and all kinds of criticism as a personal attack, as they are either unwilling or unable to see another person’s viewpoint. Even good people can accidentally use the wrong approach and unintentionally criticise someone in a negative way, or when someone has deeply hurt their feelings when they defend themselves to the very person that’s hurt them, they can react in a negative way.
As a narcissist feels a sense of unworthiness, they can fear abandonment as they can feel shame for who they are and the things they do. Therefore they create a false self to hide away from their true inner selves. To protect themselves from others seeing who they indeed are. As they are primarily shame-based, they feel unworthy of love, connection and belonging. So a narcissist will throw the first attack to defend themselves and make themselves feel better within themselves, they have to pull others down to raise themselves up, they often project their true intentions and behaviour onto those around them by twisting the story and passing all the blame onto those around them. Through gaslighting with their many manipulative games. They need to feel Superior and in control to keep their vulnerabilities hidden from themselves and from others.
They can rage, sulk, deny, ignore to gain control of those around them and feel better within themselves.
They get a high from the power they have over others when they’re gaslighting those around them. They feel powerful and in control, hiding those feelings of shame, covering those feeling by making those around them feel beneath them, the power they have over others feelings almost covers for their own feelings.
It’s like having a cup with holes in it. The more we give, the more we try to help. It’ll just keep draining straight back out. Not only does it drain out of them, but they also drain the light out of those around them to feel better about themselves.
After being around narcissistic people, most will question if they are the narcissist when learning about the disorder if you have the empathy to care for others if you don’t exploit others if you care for the feelings of others if you don’t feel entitled to hurt others. If you are aware of your own behaviour, take ownership of your actions, most likely you are not. You’ve just been intoxicated by the narcissist’s negative ways. They send you into a trance and put you under their spell. Once out, you have the ability to go within and heal. Narcissistic people so far do not, as they blame all others for their behaviour. To be able to change, people have to see who they indeed are to discover what needs changing.
As a narcissist is vulnerable, to run away from vulnerabilities and shame, they create a false self. They need to control others to feel superior. Here are a few ways narcissistic people hide shame to feel better about themselves. People make mistakes, so we might all have done one of these things in our lives yet learned not to again. A narcissist hits repeat every time.
Not all narcissistic people but most somatics will try to dress to impress. However they dress, they might start making suggestions of what you should wear, either subtle ways or obvious, some in the beginnings might go and buy you clothing you wouldn’t normally wear, they will then make you feel ungrateful and guilty if you don’t.
Now some people like designer clothing, some people like piercings, tattoos, simple clothing, outrageous clothing, take pride in their appearance, not bothered about what they look like on the outside, whatever it is, it’s down to that individual to feel comfortable in the skin they are in. Narcissistic people, however, if you listen carefully, will put others down on how they look. To raise themselves up.
The cerebral can and will charm those around them with their intellect, to only at some point use this intellect to pull others down.
Telling others story’s, or breaking confidence, they either tell you something that’s happened to someone in a way that puts the other person down or makes fun of the other person, or they’ll tell people stories about you, sometimes in front of you putting their own twisted spin on it to humiliate you, make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. They aim to humiliate others to feel better within themselves. Breaking confidence without permission, you or someone might have told them something in strict confidence, trusting them to value you enough not to disclose the information. The narcissist then knows this is a weakness, a vulnerability of yours, and they love playing of others vulnerabilities. They do this to change people’s perceptions of you, as they will purposefully add a twist of their own to the story, to divide and conquer and gain control of others. Or they might threaten to tell, to make you feel shame and guilt-trip you into doing something you wouldn’t normally do.
By projecting their thoughts, feelings, insecurities onto others, as they often fear abandonment, they can and will divide and conquer to isolate people from support. When they’ve drained the person they’ve isolated, they will then often abandon that person and find someone new to exploit through their manipulative ways.
They will invalidate those around them to cause those feelings of insecurities. They will purposeful play a game to provoke emotions within you, such as those insecurities, shame, sadness, jealousy. Then they will put you down for having those feelings, so you feel unworthy; they then gain more control and feel better about themselves.
They will sabotage you any way they can, as they feel envious when they see others achievements. They either want to exploit people and take credit for other people’s achievement or sabotage people so they don’t achieve.
They will flatter people, love bomb people, idealise people, then when their actions either create those feelings of insecurity, shame. Resentment or jealousy within you, they flip the script and blame you to create those self-doubts within you when their envious face comes out. They are hurting you, as you lived the reality when they treated you well. With their projection and blame-shifting, you then doubt yourself instead of them when they treat you wrong.
They will Gaslight, which is the insidious way a narcissist will deny our reality, our hopes, our dreams, our past, our present, our future, our intentions, our feelings into something they are not, by distorting these often leads us to have cognitive dissonance and the belief we are going crazy, which makes it easier for the narcissist to further their manipulation and control, making them feel better about themselves, while we slowly lose ourselves.
Shame and insecurities are universal emotions. Some people can hurt people because of these feelings. Then we have people who help people, sometimes helping the wrong people, especially when they guilt-trip, emotionally blackmail or use our insecurities against us.
Most people have insecurities; people make mistakes and feel shame.
Shame is a conscious emotion caused by feelings of guilt—humiliation or distress caused by foolish behaviour or wrongdoings.
Insecurities are when we are uncertain about ourselves or those around us, when we feel anxious when we doubt ourselves or those around us.
Being aware of our feelings and learning what triggers them helps us to respond to those provoking us and not react.
To learn and know about ourselves to develop the conscious awareness, not only of the emotional state or those feelings we are in within the moment but what those feelings are telling us.
Sometimes we have to give ourselves the reality check that we need by listening to our feeling and not what others are telling us.
Narcissists have a way of talking to others how they are trying to avoid talking to themselves, all those feelings of insecurities and shame they pass onto those around them.
So we can not only end up with our own insecurities and shame. We can end up with the narcissists too.
Reality check by writing them down, what did we do, what did others do, what insecurities have others placed within me? What’s that say about them, not me.
You often give, and people-please to avoid feelings of shame. This is when you need to not only give to others but also stop forgetting about yourself and start talking to yourself as you speak to those you love and care for.
Reach out to those you can trust or those who’ve lived similar, who can validate your feelings, and stop listening to those who seek to invalidate them.
The narcissist’s reality gap.
Click the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
The courses Elizabeth Shaw has available.
The full course.
The free course.
Help with overcoming trauma bonding and anxiety.
All about the narcissist Online course.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse and help with Co-Parenting.
Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with Click here for BetterHelp.(Sponsored.) Where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.