Why are narcissists attracted to you?
As the saying goes, “You attract what you are.” which isn’t entirely true when it comes to a narcissist. You don’t attract a narcissist because you’re a narcissist. If you don’t exploit others and yet you attracted someone who exploits others, you attracted them because of your kind nature if you have empathy and care for others. However, you attracted someone who lacks empathy. You attracted them because of your kind nature. We don’t always attract what we are. Sometimes we attract people who want to take advantage of who we are. Who want to benefit from who we are, who want what we have, and this can be down to how we look, what we own, who our friends are, whatever quality the narcissist sees within us that they want. When we first meet them, they often mirror us. We fall in love with that person, that person who’s reflecting who we are straight back at us. Yet, usually, as we don’t pay attention to our own worth, we fail to notice. However, when they devalue us, we see, and we then begin to focus more on our faults, our weakness and our insecurities, often overlooking theirs through their many manipulative diversion tactics.
It also depends on the narcissist. A vulnerable covert narcissist might want someone who’s shy and quiet, who will not outshine them, who has suffered a trauma so they can emotionally blackmail, guilt trip and gain sympathy more easily.
A somatic might want someone who looks good on their arm, or they might go for someone who they perceive not to look as good as themselves as they don’t want their partner to steal the limelight.
The cerebral might want someone of intellect, although they’ll often take this person down, or they might want someone where they can raise themselves knowing their partner doesn’t know as many big words as they do, as they’ll find it easier manipulate other things from them.
We have a natural attachment system, and this is a neurobiological system, which drives us to bond with other people. This is an emotional bond that is formed at birth, where infants attach to their primary caregivers so that they can get their basic human needs met, as babies are dependent on primary caregivers to get their human needs met, to be fed, changed, loved etc., this then develops into the requirements for social acceptance, emotional awareness and understanding, cognitive development. Our human needs for contribution, love and connection and significance, meaning we need to connect with other people but to also contribute to other people and connect with things more significant than ourselves.
When the attachment system is opened within a mother and baby relationship, through things like skin contact, eye contact, then mirroring the energy and the mother can soothe and take care of the infant. Forming an emotional bond within the mind.
Those with cognitive, emotional and compassionate empathy have an attachment system that’s extremely easy to open when they connect with other people, as they are very good at feeling another’s pain and seeing others perspectives and trying to help those they are close to. Naturally being tuned into other people’s needs and feelings, even if unaware on a conscious level, it’s easy to get sucked in by those who wish to manipulate so they can exploit us for our caring nature.
A narcissists attachment system works. Differently, the narcissist, believing they are above others, and that others are just an extension of themselves, so there is no two-way energy flow of giving and taking. They can do this at the start of the relationship as they pick up your energy. They know how to extract sympathy from you, so the narcissist is like a parasite feeding off your positive energy and passing your energy back to you, however as they lack on emotional and compassionate empathy, as they only wish to serve their own needs, they don’t truly connect and care for others on a genuine level, only for what they can use a person for.
As a narcissist, gaslights, projects, blame-shifting and all the other manipulation they use, making us doubt ourselves and our reality. Our attachment system is wide open on a higher level.
Narcissists thrive off others caring nature and positive outlooks, so they slowly steal the energy of those close to them, leaving us drained and unwittingly looking towards our attachment to the narcissist for help.
So what kind of qualities within people attract narcissists.
1, you’re a child of a narcissistic parent. As we are raised around these behaviours, we can then, in turn, accept these behaviours from others believing they are normal, excusing others treatment of us as we’ve been conditioned to accept it. Often trying to please others so we don’t get hurt by others. Not realising that same quality of wanting to please others which is great when pleasing the right people, is the quality a narcissist will use against us time and time again to get their needs met.
2. A willingness to forgive others, having forgiveness is an excellent quality, so we don’t hold onto that anger and resentment. Sometimes we forgive in the wrong way. There’s always a first time, and people make mistakes, after that first time you forgive them, there should be no reason to give a second, third, fourth, seventh chance if there is that person hasn’t learned the error of their ways. The more we go back, the more we forgive, the more they see the problem as ours. We can not teach others to learn from their mistakes that is on them. However, we can know for ours, we can forgive them, which is not to excuse their toxic behaviour, it’s so we can lose any anger or resentment we hold for that person as people can only push people so far before that anger arises, some people might feel stupid within themselves. It’s never stupid to forgive those who hurt you. It’s stupid of those who hurt you not to recognise how grateful they should be that you care enough to forgive. Sometimes in life, people leave us no choice but to forgive them for who they are and leave them to be who they are while we move safely away from them.
3. You’re a very empathetic person. Often you can feel the pain in those around you and do your best to help others so they don’t feel the pain you may have or are feeling. Understanding of the pain the narcissist might have been through so we are more willing to make excuses or look past those red flags, at times not even seeing those red flags as they see others as genuine people who just make mistakes.
4. You want to help others turn their lives around, all to do with that empathy which is a fantastic quality we just have to give it to the right people and learn as hard as it is to stop giving it to those who just wish to take and use our helpful ways against us to guilt-trip us into being there for them when they wouldn’t be there for us. There is no wrong in wanting to help others. We just have to learn the difference between those who would like help and want to overcome any past mistakes and those who can not self reflect, blames all others and exploits those who want to help them any way they can.
5. Reliable, honest with a positive outlook on life, as a narcissist is often a very insecure shame-based person with a deeply hidden negative filter on life. Believing that others are against them. They can admire those who seem happy, although as they are envious of those who are happy, they will seek ways to destroy others happiness to feel better within themselves. They like reliable people as this helps with their beliefs that they are special and entitled, those who will jump when the narcissist says how high fill their admiration. Those who are honest makes them feel safe and that they’ll not be abandoned. Most narcissists will run in those early days if you say no and stick to your no as this questions their authority and superiority. They see it as you with the problem of saying no to them. Being reliable and honest is an excellent quality, one we can give everyone, those who wish to exploit us, we can be faithful in walking away and never going back.
6. Strong and independent, whatever strength you have that a narcissist likes, they often see a challenge they could be envious of the strength, and they’ll go all out to destroy it within you, to feel better about themselves.
7. People who are respected or admired in some way. It could be their families, their status, their career and the narcissist wish to use them as a stepping stone to meet their own needs with the fastest route possible.
It is never your fault when we don’t know we don’t go. Your qualities are yours to own. With awareness of manipulative people and manipulative behaviours, they’re yours to give to those deserving of you and walk for those who only wish to use you for you.
It’s so hard to see that we can not help others, that those with a disorder can not change with the help of our forgiveness and compassion. However, for those with NPD who exploit others’ forgiveness and compassion enable them to believe they are in the right. They are in the wrong. We wouldn’t allow a toddler to carry on stealing from other toddlers, we shouldn’t allow adults to keep hurting adults, and sometimes the only way to teach someone how they shouldn’t treat you is to walk away for good, as those who see no errors in their ways when we return this reinforces their beliefs that we were wrong and they were right. When it’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about being a kind, compassionate, caring human, not hurting others to feel better about themselves.
Those who care often carry on giving, not seeing that those who don’t will just carry on taking.
We have to begin to treat ourselves how we treat others if we wouldn’t treat someone somehow. We should no longer accept that treatment from them.
You don’t always attract who you are. Sometimes you attract people who want to exploit you for the qualities of who you are.
How can you stop this in future relationships?
1. Heal yourself, take care of yourself, pay attention to yourself, ask yourself. “What do I want. What do I feel, what do I need. Who do I want to be.” Becoming aware of your true self and your actual needs, the less toxic people will enter your life. Or the quicker they will leave. Learn to love and take good care of yourself before you take care of others. So you can be at your best to give your best.
2. Learn, hold, and stick to your boundaries. If something doesn’t suit you, it’s a no and stick to your no.
3, Observe people’s behaviour, don’t absorb until you know them better.
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say, so long as your intentions are good, don’t worry about how someone will feel if you don’t want to do something, don’t. If you do, do. From the start, so you don’t get drawn in.
5. Heal your inner child. Write a letter to yourself as a child and how loveable and kind they were, think of the things you enjoyed as a child. Think about the things you enjoyed as a child.
6. Work on your emotional intelligence. Your mind controls your emotions, and you control your mind. You control your feelings, and once you take control of your own emotions, outside situations will have far less impact on your feelings and how you react.
7. When you’re feeling unhappy or stuck, ask yourself. “What would I advise my own child, a close friend, someone I love and care for, then accept, take and act on your own advice.”
8. Surround yourself with good uplifting, positive people, reach out to those kind people for help and support, to gain different perspectives, those you don’t think as good, know if they are a good person they meant well the advice just isn’t for you at that moment, those who’s advice feels good, take action on that advice.
9. Learn your beliefs and hold those beliefs that are true to you, don’t try to change others, and don’t allow others to change you.
Ten types of people who attract narcissists.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
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Boundaries.
