Awareness is key, and knowledge is power, suffering at the hands of a narcissist’s mental and sometimes physical abuse is devastating, and a lot of us question,” Why would they treat someone that way?” ”How could they be so cruel?” ”Did they ever genuinely care?” ”Why would they be so mean?.” ”What will they do next?” and when we become trapped in the mindset of ”Why would they.” it can then keep us further locked in their cycle of abuse, often blaming ourselves for their toxic behaviour and then when we finally leave the cycle of abuse. They are running a mass smear campaign, and it keeps us locked on them, with self-doubts and self-blame that it must have been something we did. Why else would someone treat us that way? No, it’s not you, it’s never an excuse, but they have a disorder which is the reason behind their behaviour, it’s got nothing to do with you, and everything to with them and their disorder, how they treat you says more about their character than it ever will yours. Can they change? No, they have a disorder. It’s who they are. Can they find ways to manage the disorder only if one would wish to do so? Yet, due to the traits of the disorder, it’s unlikely one will.
After everything you’ve been through with a narcissist, you can hate them. You can wish karma on them, you can pity them, you can have compassion for them, so long as you do it from a distance and you can stay on track with your happiness, and your life, how you feel about them, or want to feel about them, is down to you.
The more we learn to recognise and understand their behaviour and their reality, the less confusing and hurtful it becomes, the less self-doubt, self-blame, frustration, anger, and resentment we feel, the more we can distance our emotional responses, and the happier our thoughts can become, this doesn’t mean let them walk all over you or take advantage of you. It means we can protect our feelings with greater awareness and perspectives.
When you know what they do and why they do it, they have little power and control over you. However, some are dangerous, so no contact is the way to go, especially if you’re dealing with a true NPD.
The traits of the disorder and their behaviour.
1. A sense of entitlement. They believe they have a right to anything and everything they want. What’s yours is mine, and what’s mines is mine attitude.
In a narcissist’s mind, normal rules simply do not apply to them. Whatever makes them feel good at the moment they will do, things like loyalty, respect, honesty etc., is not for them. They believe that’s for you, but they do not and will not agree that it’s for them. They don’t lie about affairs to protect your feelings. They lie because they don’t want you to make a decision that’s isn’t in their best interest.
2. Arrogance and dominance. They are unpleasantly proud of who they are. Some will be obvious in showing it, and some will hide it away.
They want to control, and they will gaslight with arrogance to gain and keep control, they will lie about lies, and they will edit the script to suit themselves. They will lie to change the story again to someone else to benefit themselves. To the narcissist, their lies are their truths, they flip the script to what they want, and they are more convinced of their lies than you are of your truths, so they will convince you and those around them of their lies, that we are the ones who end up doubting ourselves and our reality, that we should never have.
3. Exploitative. Whatever they do is only ever to meet a need of their own.
Even the grandiose Overts can act in Covert, underhand, hidden ways. For no reason at all, they will take you down, hurt you, lie to you, con you, deceive and withdraw. They will replace you whenever they feel a need to do so, whenever they’ve exploited all they can from you, don’t be fooled, though. If they believe they can exploit you some more as you now have something to offer, they will come back for the hoover.
4. Grandiose. If they show it or not, they believe they are superior to all others.
Their appearance matters more to them than you, whatever that appearance is to them, often not only how they look but also what others think of them. Again that’s individual to the narcissist. If they want others to think they are kind, they will go all out. If they want others to think they are outspoken, they’ll go with that too, they’re only interested that others think what they want others to think, and at others’ expense, they’ll do all it takes.
5. Jealous and envious. They are never truly happy and always want more.
They do not want to be seen or feel as though they are less than others, they don’t want to feel unworthy or not good enough, and this is so profoundly hidden no matter what you or I say or do to make them feel good enough it will not work, we can not love them better, it’s possible we want to be loved better when we don’t feel enough, and for those with empathy who can communicate and compromise this can work, give and take to heal, however, a narcissist does not want to be loved better, you can not give what you have not got, they lack the empathy to care for your feeling, they have no regard for how we feel, only if it benefits themselves. They do not want to be seen or thought of as weak, inferior, having insecurities (which we all have.) they don’t want to be known vulnerable (which we all are.) as to them it is weak and inferior, which they are not, why you can not appeal to their caring side, they just see you as weak, however, if it meets a need of their own, they will stoop low enough to appeal to ours, as they know they can use our caring qualities against us.
6. Lack of empathy. They can not truly feel what others do or put themselves in other people’s shoes.
They don’t have the empathetic understanding to care for what they do to those around them. As long as they get their needs met, they don’t care for ours, and they never will. They can not see anything from our point of view, only ever their own.
7. Preoccupied with power and/or success. Those who are successful will brag. Those who are not will blame others.
They will happily take credit for other people’s success. However, they have zero interest in taking responsibility for their actions. To them, “You made them do it.” “That never happened.” To be wrong in their minds would mean having vulnerabilities that others could exploit, meaning they’d be weak. Therefore in their minds, they are always right—no matter what facts or evidence you have against their reality. To them, you are wrong; the facts are wrong; the evidence was tampered with. “It wasn’t me.” And they believe it wasn’t them.
8. Requires excessive attention. They need to be admired by others through love or fear.
Whatever anyone does for them will never be enough as they can not regulate their own inner happiness. Truth be told, we all have our struggles of maintaining inner happiness at times, where we can see this within ourselves a narcissist can not. To them, it’s your responsibility to make them happy, and when you fail, you’ve failed them, and they’ll find someone who can, yet they don’t understand that no one can as true happiness comes from within and the power of our thoughts, they do enjoy the games of as
9. The belief they are special. They believe all others are inferior to them.
They believe they are better than all others, they seek power, dominance and control, they seek to win, they are not interested in fairness, compromise, compassion, they see others either as a threat or someone they can exploit, and they have no interest in playing fair, they seek to win at all costs to us, if they feel criticised in any way, they will seek revenge.
The three main types are.
1. Grandiose. Better than all others, will act and say they are.
2. Victim. Will look kind and compassionate, yet will always play the victim.
3. Malignant. An extreme mix of narcissism, antisocial and psychopath, with paranoid traits.
The subtypes are.
1. Covert. They are shy and, to the outside world, appear kind.
2. Overt. It is the most obvious, grandiose behaviour. They are arrogant, demanding and boastful. They have rage very close to the surface when they don’t get their way. Ruthless in power and control.
3. Somatic. These usually rely upon their bodies and looks.
4. Cerebral. These typically rely on intelligence. Although not all are intelligent, some just lie about that too.
Remember, what they do says more about their character and their intentions than it ever will you.
The two faces of a narcissist.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
Signs of a covert narcissist.